Stein looked down at his wrist watch while he sat at his desk, his olive eyes locked on the second arm as it ticked by. If there was one feeling he knew all too well, it was boredom. He counted fourty-five seconds before he huffed in slight annoyance of himself.
Really, Stein? Really? You're just going to count the seconds away instead of doing something productive? Stein scolded himself as he rubbed his face harshly.
"But what can I do?" he muttered to himself. "Marie left to go to work, and Crona is at school as well..." The tall professor sighed and stared down at his stitched boots. There's not much I can do but think... Even then, he really couldn't think straight. His mind kept drifting back to the previous weekend, to the Saturday he tried to push her out of his life.
I shouldn't have given in. I should have kept going, kept pushing her till she broke. Yes, she would have been heartbroken, but this is her life she is gambling with. If she hates me for hurting her, great. What I need to do is figure out how to get into her mind and twist it to a point where she actually will hate me, then it'll be more than easy to push her out the door... God damn it. Why am I even trying? Stein thought a few moments later. She's made it clear she won't give up on me. I've already tried to use her emotions against her, but that method failed... Why do you have to be so damned stubborn, Marie Mjolnir?
Stein mentally slapped himself for being so ruthless with the woman who had given everything to him: her happiness, her love, warmth, comfort, her support, and most importantly, her time.
Marie has spent hours on end trying to help me battle madness itself. She has even remained by my side even though I've tried killing her, almost succeeding on one account... The pale man couldn't help but smirk ever so slightly and shake his head. "This woman fears nothing."
"Tell me about it," a smooth, male voice stated from the doorway. Stein looked up to see a familiar face, one that he had almost grown to enjoy having around.
"Hey, Spirit," the doctor greeted his former weapon partner. He did admire Marie's devotion to him, to her promise to be by his side, but he wanted to be around someone of the same gender. It wasn't that he was attracted to the same sex, that he was sure. But he soon came to realize even he needed someone who understood him. Maybe Marie could figure every part of him out, every thought, feeling, need, but only another man could fully understand him.
I never knew how much I took my ability to contact others for granted...
"Hey," the tall red head came into the cell and leaned against a wall casually.
"What's up?"
"Nothing much, really... Lord Death is spending the day with Kid, so I got today off." A small puddle of sadness dripped into Spirit's eyes and he looked down.
"What is it?" Stein asked with a slight tilt of his head.
Spirit shook his head, his fiery red hair swaying. "It's nothing of importance."
The professor sighed and stared at him. "Spirit, in all of my years of knowing you, I have come to easily find all of your tells."
The Death Scythe picked his head up and locked eyes with the scientist. "What are you talking about?"
"I can tell when you're upset," the doctor stated.
Both men remained silent for a good moment before Spirit sighed and shook his head. "Damn you, Stein..."
"What? It's not my fault I'm able to read you. Besides, I can see it in your soul," he gestured to the red head's chest.
"That's kind of creepy, you know."
"What? The fact that I can constantly see what you are feeling, thus practically being able to read your mind?" Stein ased quickly.
"Exactly."
Stein only shrugged. "Now stop evading my question. What's got you bothered?"
Spirit sighed and crosses his arms. "Lord Death can easily spend a day with his own son. He has a relationship with him, and that's because he has his trust. So... I'm just upset with myself... Why do you even care?"
The scientist opened his mouth to speak, but shut it before he spoke a word. Why do I care? Am I just bored? Or do I somehow actually care? "I don't know, to be completely honest, Spirit."
"I think you're more curious than you are concerned," the Death Scythe sounded somewhat irritated.
"Perhaps. Now tell me."
"Really, Stein, you wouldn't understand."
"Probably not." His olive green eyes never left the other man.
"So then why do you want to know?" The irritation is Spirit's voice grew to what Stein believed was the beginning stages of anger.
"Didn't we go over this?" He's getting angry... Perhaps this really is bothering him, more than usual.
"Yeah, we did. But still, all you want is to satisfy your curiosity and your boredom." Spirit's voice raised slightly.
Stein blinked and took a breath in. "So? Who knows, maybe I will understand."
"I'm telling you, Stein, you won't."
"Try me."
Spirit glared at his former meister and shoved his hands into his pants pockets. "Alright, you really wanna know? I hate- No, I loathe myself."
Although he already knew the asnwer, Stein asked anyway, "Why is that?"
"Why? Why do you think, Stein? I hurt Kami and Maka, my family,because of my own selfish desires. I tore them apart... So now, even on Maka's birthday, which is next Wednesday, by the way, she doesn't want anything to do with me."
Stein nodded. Oh. I see. "I can't say I understand tearing your family apart because, well, I don't have one, but I do understand what you're feeling."
"What are you saying? That you can't stand yourself?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Stein mumbled as he looked down.
"Don't lie, Stein," he spat incredulously. "I know you don't feel such things."
Stein kept his mouth shut, only staring at his boots. Several moments drifted by, each filling his mind with an emotion he didn't like: anger. He was angry with himself, and he didn't know how to express it. All he could do was dwell in it. But now, he had a moment, a chance, to finally tell someone and hope they would understand him. Who better than Spirit Albarn could he talk to?
The madness is using anger to get to me... Perhaps I should just try to keep myself calm. But then, I constantly hear people saying how if you keep anger locked inside of you without exressing yourself, it could make things worse. So either way, I'm basically screwed. However, I should choose the path that gives me at least a small chance at a benefit. Maybe... Maybe letting loose will help.
Stein opened his mouth and finally spoke, "You're wrong, Spirit. I am disgusted with myself. Every day, I sit in this cell and fight for something I don't even possess. I've attempted murdering the one who has stayed with me, even got into bed with me. I have given her every single reason to fear and resent me, I've even come to deliberately psychologically hurting her, yet she's still here!" Stein's voice began to rise with every word as he stood and raised his hands to be at about his chest, palms up, fingers curled like claws. "Why is she still here?!" he growled through gritted teeth.
Spirit was rendered speechless by the professor's words. Damn... I never thought he actually felt that way. I bet that's not even a fraction of what he feels... And I thought my story was bad...
"Huh, Spirit? Why the hell is she still here after all I've done to her? She keeps saying she stays with me because she loves me and she promised me she would, but I still don't understand. She could have been dead by now!" Stein exclaimed. "How could love keep her here?!"
"Stein, just calm down. I promise getting angry won't help you solve this," Spirit stated as he took a few short, slow strides to the meister.
"Why should I calm down?! I've remained calm my entire life. I am always monotone! Maybe I do feel, Spirit. Maybe I now I feel things like you do. Is it really that hard to believe that I experience these damned nerve-racking emotions?!" Stein's voice only filled with more anger.
Maybe I should just let him vent... Better me here for it than Marie. "No, Stein... It's not."
"Then why does everyone get so surprised when I show my emotions?"
"Because... You hide them so well. But to be honest, Stein, I think the reason why you started feeling so much is because of Marie. She's showed you what it means to love and to be loved. She's pushed aside everything in her life to hel-"
"No," Stein cut him off in a stern voice. "She didn't push it all aside. She threw it into a fire, knowing that it will only burn."
"But why do you think she did that?"
"Because she loves me..." the professor breathed in annoyance.
"Exactly."
"That doesn't mean anything. All that tells me is she's letting her emotions blind her."
"Damn it, Stein. Just listen to me!" Spirit exclaimed. "Even I understand this. Marie loves you. Because of her love, she threw everything away just to save you. Why is it so hard for you to understand this?"
"Because I was never given love like this..." Stein mumbled as he walked to his bed, turned and let his legs give out, allowing him to plop down on the matress.
Spirit frowned at the silver-haired man. "What are you talking about? You had parents."
"Well obviously..." the anger in Stein's voice receeded and was replaced with annoyance.
"So surely your parents loved you."
At that, Stein laughed. "You think-" he cut himself off to laugh a bit more, "You think my parents loved me? Wow, Spirit, that's probably one of the funniest things you've said to me in a long time."
Something about the professor's laughter- or was it what he was laughing about?- made Spirit's gut twist. He never does mention his parents... Are they by any chance the reason the way he is? "Stein, what do you mean?"
"Isn't it obvious? My parents didn't care about me. How else do you think I got to that damned asylum in the first place?" Stein giggled.
"What?! Stein, you were in a psychiatric asylum?!" Spirit screamed incredulously.
Stein frowned slightly in confusion and tilted his head. "Yeah, didn't you know that?"
"No! Care to tell me about it?!"
The doctor smiled slightly and tilted his head. One would have thought Stein was slipping into madness by the way he was smiling and giggling, but Spirit knew otherwise. He probably just finds this amusing... But really? Stein was in a psych ward? And his parents were the ones who commit him? How am I just finding out about this?
"You really wanna know?"
"Uh... Yeah, I do. This is kind of something Lord Death himself should know," Spirit stated slowly.
"Why is that?"
"Stein, I don't know if you've realized this yet, but you were in a mental asylum."
"Yes, I realized that the day they dropped me off." Stein grinned and laughed. "I bit one of the nurses when she tried to pull me into the place, you know. But I bit my tongue too, so that's why I have this scar. See?" Stein stuck out his tongue and twisted it to the left to expose a small, barely visible scar. If he wasn't paying attention, Spirit probably would have missed it.
The red head's facial features somehow managed to seem darker when Stein showed him his tongue. Damn... He must have bit pretty deep for it to leave a scar.
The professor then pulled his tongue back into his mouth and continued, "Anyway, I was there for I'd say about a month when my mother finally came to visit me. It was my birthday; I was turning nine. Now, here's the part that you're really going to enjoy: I killed her."
Spirit's eyes widened and he took a step back. "What? Y- you killed your mother? How?"
Any amusement that was once present in Stein's eyes was now gone, proof that he was not lost in madness. Spirit took note of his sudden loss of excitement, wondering what was going through his head then. Maybe he was trying to use laughter so he wouldn't show or feel any guilt or pain...
Stein sighed and took a moment to breathe before he continued. "One day when they brought me food, I stole a spoon and sharped it on the wall. It took a while, hours on end in fact, but I finally got it to a fine tip. On the day of my birthday, she came into my room, and the doctor left to give us some privacy... And then I did it." Stein stared straight into his former partner's eyes, now trying to comprehend what he was feeling.
Is this guilt? Is this the origin of my self-hatred?
Spirit was taken aback by the sadness and guilt in Stein's eyes. My god... His eyes look so sad and serious... Has he really been carrying this around on his shoulders since he was nine? How?
Stein, who's hands were now wringing and leg was shaking up and down, continued his story. "I stabbed her... So many times... Her blood, it was everywhere! I swear I can still smell it... A huge group of doctors, nurses and security gaurds rushed in and tranquilized me. To be honest, I don't remember much after that. What I do remember is a few pieces of memories, such as being strapped down to a hospital bed. Oh, and I remember breaking out in the middle of the night."
"How the hell did you manage to break out of an asylum?" Spirit asked incredulously.
Stein simply shrugged. "I don't even know... I was there for a few years. I think that was where I first found out how to attack with my soul directly, so I must have been at least eleven or twelve. Everything after that..." he waved his right hand in the air once, as if he were wiping miniscule water droplets off of a mirror, "Is a blur."
Spirit, who's usually calm eyes were now intense with disbelief and shock, only had one thing on his mind: How?
"How is it they haven't found you yet if you broke out? I mean how long has it been since then?"
"It's been about, oh I'd say... A decade, more or less. As for how they haven't found me, I haven't the slightest idea. All I know is I'm free now. Or..." Stein took a look around the cell he was being held in. "Was free."
Spirit couldn't help but feel sympathy for his former meister pour into him. If not even Lord Death knows, I must be the first person he's ever told... "Stein, can I ask you something?" With a quick nod of his head, the scientist gave his consent. Spirit hesitated a moment before pressing on, not sure if he even should ask. No, I should. He's finally opening up; I can't knock him down now. "Why did you decide to tell me this now?"
Both men were quiet for several long minutes, leaving the question to hang in the air. While Spirit's breathing was becoming short and shallow, Stein's head was lowered as he kept his gaze fixed on the floor.
Why did I choose now? I've kept that part of my life secret and locked away for years on end. Why now...?
"Is it because you want to better understand yourself?"
Stein's eyes remained fixed on the ground as he asked, "How could that help me understand myself when I have all of this time to think?"
"Maybe you want someone else to know you, that way they can talk to you about it and give you their point of view."
"Perhaps... You know, Spirit," Stein looked up at the other man, "I'm starting to get this crazy idea that you have a brain inside that head of yours."
The Death Scythe smirked and chuckled, "Yeah, well, crazy people have crazy ideas."
"So... Are you saying I'm crazy and you don't have any brains?"
Shit. Why the hell did I say that?! Spirit mentally kicked himself in the groin for being so careless with his choice of words given the fragility of the conversation he was in. "Th- that's not what I mea-"
"I know that you didn't mean it that way, Spirit..." Stein chuckled lightly. However, he resumed his serious expression a moment later. "But I am crazy. I was in that asylum for a reason."
"Hey, Stein, listen to me." Spirit took several steps toward the meister and put a hand on his shoulder. "You may be insane, but you're not crazy."
Stein raised an eyebrow and stared up at him, not certain if he should chop Spirit's hand off for even touching him or if he should let the man continue and see what he has to say, even after the rediculous statement he had just made.
"Uhh, Spirit, that doesn't make any sense."
"Not if you take it the way you are. What I mean is you may be battling madness, but you still have your sanity. Does a crazy person even try to fight? No. They just succumb."
"But..." I may as well tell him everything now. "All I want is to give in, to just let loose and stop fighting for something I don't even know is there."
"Stein," his grip on the scientist's shoulder tightened, "if it were not there, you wouldn't even have the chance to fight. And... If you have the chance to fight, why is it so hard to believe you can succeed?"
Stein grabbed his wrist and pushed, shoving his hand off of his shoulder. "I can understand why it'd be easy for you to say that considering you've never had to struggle for your own sanity."
"No, but there were things in life that I fought for..." Spirit mumbled as he took a step back.
The scientist stood and stared him dead in the eye. "Oh really? Like what?"
"My family..." the red head's eyes drifted downward as an ache pressured his chest.
"No offense or anything, but you didn't exactly win that battle," Stein said cauitiously.
"That's because I didn't allow myself to win. I let my own selfish desires get in my way," he was struggling to keep his voice even. "I was out with women I'd never even met while my wife was at home taking care of my baby girl," by that point, Spirit's voice had broke and tears threatened to rain down from his eyes. "So yeah, losing them was my own fault."
Stein studied his former partner, trrying to figure him out. "What you're saying is if I just try, I'll make it?"
He nodded and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "That's exactly what I'm saying."
With a scoff, the scientist crossed his arms. "I'm sorry, Spirit, but this is a completely different matter. You were fighting against you desires, something physical. I am fighting for my sanity, my head. Psychological and physical battles are very different from each other."
"That may be so, but it's not like a physical battle is not a battle at all," Spirit argued.
"That is most definitely true. However, it is still not psychological. Tell me, Spirit, have you ever went into full battle inside of your own head?" The Death Scyth slowly shook his head and waited for Stein to continue. Taking a couple of even breaths in and out, the scientist pondered what he was going to say. How could I describe this to him in terms that he would understand?
Stein sighed and twisted the bolt in his head. "You know that if you give in, you'll forget about everything, your mistakes, your regrets... All of it will just wash away if you let yourself slip." The scientist paused, thinking about what he would say next, as he put his left hand on the back of his head. "It's like... Like there is another person inside of you. Someone who is constantly trying to take over. It's always there in the back of your head, slowly building up strength to randomly attack and knock you down. Maybe you'll be able to fight it off, but it's probably one of the most difficult things you will ever attempt."
The Death Scythe listened to each word the professor stated carefully. He is trying to get me to understand what it's like for him... I should try my hardest to get this so I can figure out a way to help him. "So you're saying you are two different people in one body? That sounds kind of..." Spirit trailed off, searching for a good word to use.
"Creepy?" Stein gave the exact word he was looking for. "I know. But it's not that I am two people... It's just the madness can have human qualities sometimes, so it's like there is another part of me. "
"Human qualities? How so?" Spirit asked curiously with a tilt of his head.
"The madness... It speaks to me. It literally tells me to give in and forget about everything."
"The idea of that has crossed my mind more than once."
"Oh really?" Stein raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah... There were times when I'd hear you talking to yourself," the red head furrowed his eyebrows as he recalled some of the most chilling moments he had encountered with Stein.
That man would be giggling and raving on about how maybe it would be ok to fall into madness. I remember being terrified for my own life...
Stein nodded and observed his former partner. "Given your expression, I'd say you're remembering times when I'd be lost in madness or dangerously close to it." When Spirit did not respond, the scientist looked down at his hands and continued, "I'm sorry for this, Spirit..."
"Yeah, you always have been a real pain in my ass," Spirit stated casually. Stein frowned slightly and tilted his head up, staring at him. "But, even though you really freak me out sometimes, you're still my friend..."
At that, Stein raised a single eyebrow. "Your friend?"
"Yes, Stein. I consider you my friend, believe it or not. Why else would I be here?" Spirit put most of his weight on his left leg and put his hands in his pockets.
"Because you were assigned to by Lord Death and it's your job?"
"Well... That too, but also because I want to help you. Marie wants to help you. We all do."
"It's funny how you can all try so hard to help me, yet you can't really do much," Stein scoffed as he crossed his long arms.
"Not true. Marie's wavelength has a calming effect on yours, so just by being around you she can help you," Spirit argued.
"Yeah, sure. That's why I've slipped so many times even when she was trying to get me back."
"That's not what happened last time," the red head smirked.
"Because I did what I did... I can't just pull her aside and do that every time I'm losing it though. And don't say I can," Stein glared at him when he opened his mouth to speak, cutting him off before he could even say a word, "because that would just be using her."
"Yeah... I suppose you're right about that... So I guess you really are going to have to find another way."
"Precisely."
Both men were then suddenly quiet, the two of them pondering over their thoughts. It seems like I need a goal, or more so a reason, to keep control. What were the lyrics to that song Marie sang...? 'Give me a reason, I wish you would, wish you would, wish you would...
"What's on your mind, Stein?" Spirit tore him away from his thoughts.
"Hm?" Stein's eyes darted to the red head, only just realizing he was unconciously staring at the ground.
"What are you thinking?"
"Oh... I was just wondering: What if the reason I am able to keep myself from falling when Marie and I... You know... because it's a reason for me to stay?" Stein recited his thoughts slowly.
"Maybe... I mean if you have a reason, maybe your mind decides which path would be easiest to take." Spirit smirked and shook his head. "You know, I think it's funny how the most brilliant minds are always the most lazy."
Stein nodded and reciprocated the smile. "Yeah. We always are trying to find the easier ways out..." The professor's eyelids slid down about halfway right before he mumbled, "What is the easiest way out?"
What is the easiest way out...? I suppose I could do that... Maybe cut myself open and bleed out, or take a bullet in my head, or maybe even... No. I can't think this way. After all of the work and time Marie, Spirit, myself and many others have put into this, I can't just give it all up... Maybe I do need a reason for keeping my sanity intact. It would make sense... But if even Marie is not a good enough reason, what could be?
"Stein," Spirit pulled him away from his thoughts, "you really should work on keeping your thoughts inside your head, not speaking them out loud." Stein only looked up at him with a slight frown. "As for a good enough reason, well," a smirk spread across the Death Scythe's face, "I can think of one."
"Care to enlighten me?"
No... It's just an idea that will probably never be a reality. "It was just a joke, Stein..." Spirit waved his idea away, knowing how rediculous it was.
"Joke or not, anything could help. Obviously this whole 'training myself to have a stronger mind' thing is not working-"
"Unless you pull Marie aside and-"
"I told you I can't do that every time." Stein said firmly.
"Yes, yes, I know," Spirit sighed and stared at the scientist. "You really want to know?"
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." Irritation ate at the edge of Stein's voice.
"Alright... I was just thinking... What if you and Marie had a baby? I mean a child-"
"Would be doomed before it was even born. You're right, that idea is out of the question."
Spirit nodded slightly and looked down at his shoes. "Well, now that I think of it..." I might not be able to see it, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. What if...?
"No, Spirit. I am sure Marie would be an excellent mother, but I could never father a child." Although he kept his ever monotone demeanor, a small amount of sadness was just barely present in the doctor's smooth voice.
Stop trying to hide it, you damned fool. I know you want to be a father. You're just afraid you might slip and hurt your child... Spirit thought.
"You know, Stein, it really is amazing how well I can sometimes read you," the red head stated as he shook his head with a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"What?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about."
Stein sighed and looked down at his hands once more. Maybe a child is a perfect reason... But then, what if it's not? What if I do end up fathering a child, and I still barely have any control when I am near Crona? I would say try anyway and hope for the best, but this is a life I am thinking of... A soul. How could I just create a child without considering the consequences of madness? Bringing a child into this disaster of what some would call a life would be... Inhumane.
The professor stood from his bed and let his hands slide into his lab coat pockets as he turned his back to the Death Scythe and faced the wall. "No. That would be unfair to both them both, more so Marie. I could not do that to her. For one, I-"
"What about Marie?" a feminine voice asked from the cell doorway.
Stein spun around to find none other than the very woman he was talking about. "Marie..!"
The blond crossed her arms and stared at the scientist. "What were you talking about, Franken?"
For the first time in a long time, Stein was caught off guard. His mind was on edge, not knowing what to say. "I was just... Uh..."
"He was just saying he couldn't take the easy way out. It wouldn't be fair to you and Crona," Spirit intervened.
Stein shot a questioning glance at his former weapon. What?
Marie's expression suddenly grew dark and sad. "What? You mean... Kill yourself? Franken... You couldn't!"
"Uh.. You are very right, Marie, which is what I was saying by it wouldn't be fair. You all have spent so much time and energy trying to help me; it would be wrong of me to just throw all of that away." Stein tried to sound as convincing as he possibly could. Although he knew Marie would probably get worried over the simple notion of suicide, explaining the truth behind their conversation would be not only difficult but awkward, even for him.
"Oh... I see. Well, it's not only that, but you have purpose here," Marie stated as she entered the cell and stood next to Spirit.
"Yes. You have taught me that, Marie," the professor stated with a slight smile. He had no idea what it was, but something was telling him to hurry her out the door. Maybe this is just me feeling awkward, or maybe it's something else. Either way, I think it would be best for me to go over my thoughts now... What's a good excuse to get her to leave?
Reaching a conclusion to his own question, Stein coughed several times and hunched over a bit. "Franken, are you alright?" Marie asked worriedly as she quickly made her way to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah," he nodded, "I'm fine. I just-" he coughed again.
"You don't sound fine..."
"Marie, your shoe is untied!" Stein stated quickly, pointing to her shoe.
"What?" the short blond lifted her skirt a few inches and observed both of her boots. "No it's not..." As she did so, Stein locked eyes with Spirit and gestured to the door, knowing he got his message when the red head nodded.
"Oh," Stein coughed again, "I guess it isn't."
Marie turned around when she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Yes, Spirit?"
"Stein doesn't seem to be doing so well, he is coughing a lot. We shoud get going," he stated quickly.
"But if he's sick, we should get him some medicine or-"
"I'll be alright, Marie. It's ok. Although you both should leave soon or you might get sick too."
Spirit nodded in agreement with the scientist. "Yep. Doctor's orders. We should go."
Marie studied Stein's face carefully, obviously trying to figure out what was going on. "You two are acting strange..."
"Spirit is always acting strange," Stein concluded for her.
"Hey! Maybe I'm getting sick too!"
"Oh, well isn't that a shame? Better get home and rest up," the tall, slender man implied.
"Good idea! Come on, Marie," Spirit put both hands on her shoulders, turned her around and started walking toward the door, pushing her in front of him.
"A- alright... Bye, Franken. Feel better," Marie called over her shoulder as she made her way to the door.
"Bye, Marie. I will."
Once the door was securely shut, Stein closed his eyes and let his head drop down. Damn... Was pushing her out the door like that really a good idea? Well, I suppose it was. Otherwise, she probably would have went on about why I shouldn't commit suicide... Stein picked his head up and went to a wall, leaning on it. What if I did have a child? I mean maybe it could be a reason... Wow. I'm back to thinking about that. Damn you, Spirit Albarn, for getting this rediculous idea stuck in my head.
Stein sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. "It will never happen... Get this stupid notion out of your head."