I walked all day along the shore
I was made for loving you
I drown my pain in alcohol
How could you feel the same way too?

My feet will not walk anymore
So I guess you ought to know the truth
I wonder what I am made for
If I'm not meant to be with you

Woodkid -The Shore

I had never liked hospitals. The white, sterile rooms and hallways had always made me uncomfortable and watching the exhausted staff wasn't helping. Everything had been mayhem and the waiting room was crowded with panicked people. There had been a car accident with a bus and two cars involved and all of those people were rushed to the same hospital.

I sat in silence next to Subaru, who was currently busy talking with Kaiji's sisters, and watched the chaotic waiting room. Five hours ago, Kaiji had been rushed into surgery and I had to wait an hour before someone could tend to my arm. I didn't care much about the waiting; all I could think of was Kaiji and the feeling of his warm blood on my hands. I closed my eyes, hoping to drown out the countless voices and sounds in the room, and tried to think of something else, despite knowing it would be no use.

Subaru had driven like a mad man and followed the ambulance. We had arrived just as they were rushing Kaiji inside. It was surreal to see but instead of freezing because of the shock, I had jumped out of the car and blindly run after them. I had screamed his name as I followed them down a hallway but I was stopped by a nurse.

''Please calm down miss. Are you family?''

I looked at her and wanted to yell. I wanted to curse at her and ask why that was relevant. The love of my life was dying and she was asking me stupid questions instead of letting me see him. All of my anger and frustration got stuck in my throat and before I could even shake my head, I had fallen down on my knees, returning to being a sobbing mess on the floor.

A deep huff escaped my lips.

''It's not your fault.'' A quiet and calm voice spoke next to me and I looked up.

I met Subaru's tired glance and he studied my face silently. I escaped his eyes by looking back down at the floor. I couldn't escape the feeling of guilt that was pooling in my stomach. Especially not when Kaiji's sisters had showed up and their panicked gazes met mine. I was surprised when they asked if I was okay and having them worry about me only made me want to cry again.

''I got him into this mess.'' I spoke in a hoarse voice. All the screaming and yelling had definitively left its mark on my voice.

''But you're not the one who pulled the trigger.'' He tried, he really did, but even he sounded like he knew that he wasn't going to change my mind, at least not in this current moment. ''Look, I don't know what to tell you. We don't blame you and Kaiji will surely be upset if you keep beating yourself up for this.''

I stayed silent and closed my eyes to prevent myself from crying. A little voice in my head agreed with him but twenty others reminded me of who was dumb enough to open a nameless letter and then they reminded me of the blood. The sight of him collapsing on to the floor followed in slow motion and I felt my whole world crumble. I balled my hands into fists. How could I ever make this up to him? If he did-no, he would survive, I had to believe that, how could I ever properly tell him that I was sorry and say it in a way where he could really understand it? Understand how much this was slowly eating me from the inside.

I bit down into my lower lip when tears threatened to spill.

You can't do this Kaiji, you have to survive or I'll die as well.

''You and me, we're forever, right?''

''Forever and always.''

We both smiled and closed our eyes before our lips met in the darkness, acting as a symbol for another promise we had just made.

Forever and always…

Two more hours went by before we would hear any news.

My glance was moving around the room again, checking which patients had left since the last time I had looked but this time, I noticed a doctor walking through the room. Without knowing why, I stood up and stared at him as he approached, endlessly hoping that it would finally have something to do with Kaiji. It felt as if I could finally breathe when his eyes met mine and he stopped in front of us.

He presented himself as a surgeon and the one who had been operating on Kaiji. I watched him nervously as he spoke, too afraid to ask him anything while my world came to a stop as he spoke with the triplets. It was then he said the words I had been waiting to hear.

''He's stable. He's going to be okay.''

I felt relief wash over me and I almost fell back down on the chair.

He was okay.

He was okay.

I felt my shoulders shake after I had closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath.

''Can we see him?''

The sisters question made me look up at the doctor again.

''He needs to rest. He lost a lot of blood and the surgery took longer than we had anticipated. I'm afraid I can only let family see him now. As for you,'' his glance moved to me,'' he should be in a better condition tomorrow night so it might be possible for friends to visit him there, if he's better that is.''

I felt my shoulders slump down before I could get myself to nod. Of course he was in a bad condition, why did I expect to be able to see him now? I let out a small sigh and felt a hand on my shoulder. My glance moved to the owner of the hand and I was met by a reassuring smile.

''See? I told you he was going to be fine.'' Subaru smiled faintly, looking pretty exhausted himself. ''Now,'' he stood up and stretched,'' I promised I would update the others on the situation when the surgery was finished.'' He spoke while finding his phone.

I gave him a slight nod and watched as he walked away, probably to find a quieter place. My glance moved back to the triplets as they started to gather their stuff and one of them addressed me. I had always been horrible at telling them apart and not seeing them for ten years didn't make it easier.

''Lena, go home and get some rest. In case he wakes up while we're here, I'll tell him that you're alright.'' She smiled at me and I managed to return the smile.

''If it's alright with you, I'll see if I'm allowed to visit him tomorrow.'' I spoke, not knowing why I was asking for their permission but I was still somewhat expecting them to blame for this mess.

To my surprise, this wasn't the case.

''Of course it's alright with us.'' The two others joined the conversation.

''Yeah. Kaiji considers you family, as do we, so if we had any say in it, you would be going in there with us now.''

They all smiled so kindly it made my heart ache.

''Thank you.'' I murmured, afraid that my voice would crack if I spoke normally.

I watched as they left while my shoulders trembled slightly. Why was I angry that I couldn't see him? I let out a small huff and tried to regain some control over me feelings but they remained a cluster. I was relieved and happy because he had made it but angry and frustrated because I wasn't allowed to see him.

''Hey, Wood.''

I turned around when someone said my name and I lost my trail of thought.

''Subaru…'' I mumbled.

''Let me drive you home.''

My glance fled to the direction where the triplets had gone down and I stared at it for a couple of seconds. Despite hesitating, I let out a sigh and faced Subaru again while reminding myself of how tired I was. I needed sleep.

And a shower.

''Thanks.''

It wasn't until I stepped inside and had closed the door, that I realized how quiet it was. Usually, the TV would be running or at least the radio playing softly in the background while Kaiji's voice would fill the empty space. In that moment, I wanted to laugh at myself. How could he already be part of what I considered to be normal? How could his presence have had such a huge impact on me already? In reality, I knew exactly why and it wasn't making my miserable situation much better.

I still loved him.

Love. It felt like such a stupid thing.

Love had never caused pain like this. It had been hard to leave him back then but the empty promise of making it work and reuniting dulled the pain throughout the years. Now it felt as if I was feeling all the pain from both now and back then, as if I was paying back for something horrible I had done. I almost had, hadn't I? Ten years. Ten years to forget him and move on and yet, I had obviously failed at that. I had failed at everything when it came to the subject of me and him.

I huffed and threw my jacket on the kitchen table.

It felt awful to rely that much on another person. To feel this lonely when it had never bothered me this much before. It had never hurt this badly as it did now and had done ever since I ran into him again. The memory of when I left was somehow still fresh in my mind. His expression had never left me. He had never left me. And now I was back and it had quickly reopened the wound I thought I had control over. I thought I could decide when it was allowed to hurt, when I had time to remember the love I had to give up. But I didn't. I didn't have any control over it. I was helpless and it was tearing me up, day by day.

I dragged myself into the shower while I told myself that maybe it would all be over soon. Maybe I could go back to keeping my feelings for him at bay while remaining friends with him. I knew it was a lie, really, and that I was only telling myself this because I was scared. Scared of him not wanting the same as me.

I wasn't sure I would be able to survive knowing that.

When the water was warm enough, I stepped inside the shower.

It was then something in my head switched. With the warm water running down my face, I started to cry. My body leaned against the cold tiles before I slid down, sitting with my back against the coldness and my face up towards the water beam. I listened and felt myself react to everything that had happened. The tears mixing with the warm water while my body shook and my chest heaved each time I sobbed loudly and took a sharp breath. I cried for coming back, I cried for meeting Kaiji again and I cried for the three men who had lost their lives. I cried for my own selfishness, how I had put Kaiji in danger and how my worthless life had nearly cost him his. I cried for everything I could think of and sobbed as loud as I could. The sounds were almost inhuman, sounding more like a wounded or lone wolf howling at the pale moon, a wounded animal whimpering.

That was what I was, a wounded animal.

I didn't stop before I simply couldn't cry anymore. My body was heavy from exhaustion and my head thick with cluttered thoughts among nothingness. My throat felt tied up while my face felt raw and exposed. I stayed in the shower for another moment before I forced myself to get up, body stills shaking, and get out.

I couldn't think. I wasn't hungry or thirsty, I just wanted to get back to the hospital and wait, wait for him to look at me again and show me that sweet smile so I could get the picture of him, pale, with blood running from his mouth and lifeless, out of my head. My hands shook as I remembered the blood.

Thick and warm, oozing out of his chest.

I looked down at my hands, somewhat expecting the blood to still be there, smeared on my palms and clothes. But it was gone.

How did it ever turn out like this?

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath before I forced myself to move again but I wasn't entirely sure of where I was going. Subaru had told me to get some sleep, which was probably a good idea, and he could take me to the hospital again later. I exhaled in defeat once I realized that that was the best option and moved to my bedroom. There, I stopped in the doorway and looked at the bed.

It seemed so awfully cold.

Before I really knew what I was doing, I had already turned around and was heading for his room. Once I got inside, I could feel myself calm down a bit. My eyes went around the room but everything was as he had left it yesterday morning. A bit messy as always. I moved to the bed and noticed his grey sweatshirt lying on it. I picked it up with the intention to move it but once I held it, I caught his scent from it. My grip on it tightened and I brought it with me as I crawled beneath the duvet and closed my eyes. His scent calmed me but it brought so many memories back.

I would have cried myself to sleep but I had no more tears to spill.

''Miss?''

''Miss, are you alright?''

I blinked, leaving my state of empty thoughts and calm breathing, and my fleeting glance found the woman who was addressing me. Her appearance told me that she was a nurse and for a second, I wondered what a nurse was doing in my apartment but then I remembered where I was.

''Thank you, but I'm fine.'' I spoke with my hoarse voice and tried to find a smile but my search was in vain.

She eyed med carefully, probably wondering shortly if I was perhaps a patient and not just an early visitor, and then let out a small sigh.

''Are you here to visit someone?''

I nodded weakly and let my glance move to the door across me. I still hadn't mustered up the courage to go in there and I had been staring at the door for about an hour.

''Or you friend or family?''

There it was.

I closed my eyes, practically feeling pained by the question and she seemed to notice my reaction.

''Friend, I take it.''

''I've known him ever since we could walk. It's my fault he's in there and I can't even see him.'' I spoke with a shaking voice and felt my whole body tremble.

With barely any sleep, I was left feeling completely empty and barely functioning. The decision to go to the hospital had been rather spontaneous. In reality, I hadn't thought about going before I realized that I was halfway out the door.

I glanced back at the nurse in time to see her leave and felt my heart drop. As ridicules as it sounded, the last thing I wanted was to be alone. I had known of her existence for two minutes and her leaving made me want to cry. It was a horrible feeling, realizing just how far down you were when even strangers leaving could make you cry. I closed my eyes in attempt to prevent the tears and took a shaky breath.

''He's been stable since last night, I think it's alright if you go in there.'' I looked up and saw the nurse smiling at me with a chart in her hand. ''But it's our little secret, alright?'' She smiled.

Knowing I would cry as soon as I opened my mouth, I kept my mouth shut and felt my lip quiver as I nodded, hoping she would understand. She smiled kindly at me and watched me get up from the chair. I felt her eyes on me until I reached the door and I looked over my shoulder, then she turned around and headed back to her station. My tired glance moved back to the door and I took a deep breath while gathering what little courage I had. Then, I pushed the door handle down and stepped inside.

Hospitals had definitively never been my thing.

The room was completely silent except for the beeping of the heart monitor. I stepped closer to the bed in the half darkness and felt my whole being react when I saw him on the bed. My whole body trembled softly and I pressed my lips together in a desperate attempt not to cry. He was breathing slowly, his chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm, and his eyes were closed. Once I was sure that he was sleeping, I moved the rest of the way to the bed and sat down on the chair next to him. He was wearing a typical hospital gown but I could easily spot the bandages around his torso.

''You're alright…'' I whispered with a slight smile and gently took his hand. ''You're really alright.'' I whispered again and gave his hand a soft squeeze, careful not to wake him. ''I was so scared.'' I whispered while I let my free hand cover my eyes. ''I'm such a mess without you…'' I breathed. ''Hurry up and get better, alright?''

My hand gave his another soft squeeze but this time, I could feel his squeeze mine back. My glance shot up to his face and I watched with a racing heart as his eyelids fluttered shortly before opening.

The first thing he did was let out a small groan and then closed his eyes again.

''Where the hell-?'' He groaned, his voice strained from being unused.

''Stay still, you're in the hospital.'' I spoke calmly and gave his hand another squeeze.

''I got shot…'' He mumbled, as if to remind himself of what happened, and his eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the light. When he could see properly, his glance found mine and I let out a deep breath in relief.

''You look like hell.'' He managed to smile at me.

''Says you…'' I smiled faintly and felt the wetness of tears leaving trails down my face.

''Oh come on, I didn't mean it like that.'' He panicked, causing me to laugh softly and close my eyes. I heard him sigh before his hand appeared on the top of my head. ''You alright?''

''You're the one who got shot and you're asking me if I'm alright? What's wrong with you?'' I laughed while trying to stop crying but it had turned out to be quite a struggle.

''Of course I'm going to ask that. I saw someone point a gun at you and I know that your arm was hurt.'' He mumbled while sounding flustered.

Out of curiosity, I looked back up at him and studied his face. His cheeks were red. ''My arm is fine.'' I breathed and told myself that it was nothing. The cause of his colored cheeks was surely just because he was embarrassed to say something like that. ''You were rushed into surgery yesterday, so worry about yourself for a bit and get better.'' I found a small smile.

''That bad, huh?'' He huffed and closed his eyes shortly.

I pictured the scene in my head from the moment he fell until I was pulled away from him. I lost myself in reliving it. The sounds, the sight and the blood. God, all the blood.

''Lena?''

I looked up, meeting his eyes again and leaving the unpleasant memory.

''What's wrong?''

It had been a while since I had heard his voice be that gentle and it effectively made me shudder. I cast my eyes down, not really sure what to tell him without starting to cry again.

''Hey…'' He hummed softly and his hand gave mine a squeeze, momentarily reminded me that we were still holding hands.

''I… When you…'' I started but fell silent again as soon as I felt my shoulders tremble. ''I put pressure on your… the wound… and there was blood everywhere. I couldn't… Oh God, it was everywhere…'' My voice shook as I spoke. ''I still expect it to be there when I look down and my clothes….'' My voice died out when I didn't know how to explain the next part. The clothes lay in a pile in my bathroom and by now, the crimson red had turned a much browner shade and it had caused me to throw up twice this morning. My solution had been to simply throw a towel over it as I knew I wouldn't be able to move it in my current state.

''Hey…'' His voice was soft and made me look back at him while his hand moved from my head. It moved down and cupped my cheek where his thumb then wiped away a few stray tears. ''I can't tell you that you're going to forget this, but you have to remember that we both made it. We're going to walk out of this with a couple of scars and that's it.'' I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath while my hand moved up to his and covered it. ''Alright?'' I nodded faintly. ''Good.'' There was a slight smile in his voice.

My sore shoulders slumped from relief and it felt as if I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. There we were, in the middle of a silent hospital room, sharing an intimate moment. The urge to spill my feelings returned, making my heart race and my face to flush. Wouldn't it be alright if I told him?

''Kaiji, I-'' I started, fully determined to finally tell him what I had been thinking of almost ever since I saw him again but three knocks on the door interrupted me. Both our glances fled to the door when I started to open and our hands moved down, away from each other.

''Oh, you're awake. Did we interrupt something?'' Subaru smirked in the doorway before moving further inside the room. He was followed by the rest of the guys I had met some time ago at the bar and then a fifth man I didn't recognize.

''Looks like we did.'' Sora winked at me and I felt my face warm up.

''You guys…'' Kaiji sighed. ''Who let you in?''

''The nurse, of course. She said you already were having your first visitor today so I figured Wood was here.'' Subaru smiled and then his eyes moved to me. ''How's the arm?'' He asked me when the rest of the guys started to talk to Kaiji.

My glance moved to Subaru and was met by a worried one. ''It's sore but it's fine.'' I smiled softly. ''I'm sorry I just sent a text this morning but-''

''Why were you sending him a text?'' Kaiji grumbled and I looked at him. I was surprised at how displeased he looked while completely ignoring the rest of the guys.

The room fell silent.

''He drove me to the hospital yesterday and he offered to drive me today as well but,'' I paused shortly, thinking of a way to explain it without revealing to everyone that I couldn't sleep without him. ''… I woke up pretty early and texted him that I was going earlier than expected, so he didn't have to drive me.'' I explained and watched as Kaiji shortly eyed Subaru.

''I made sure she got her injury treated because I knew you would kill me if I didn't.'' Subaru glanced nonchalantly at Kaiji and a short silence followed his words until Kaiji sighed. Then, Mizuki asked Kaiji how he was feeling and a more casual conversation was created.

I learned who the fifth man was and smiled politely as I was introduced to their boss. It was fun to see how well they all got along, definitively not a typical boss and subordinates relationship but more like a friendship.

''So, Miss Wood, I've actually heard quite a bit about you.'' Daichi returned my smile and the room again fell silent.

''Oh…'' I mumbled a bit surprised and didn't really know what to say. My eyes flickered to Kaiji shortly, he definitely did not look happy with the current situation.

''Yes, I allowed Kaiji to watch over you because of the situation and I've been briefed about it ever since it started. We've all worked in cooperation with the police to catch the group and I had hoped we would have succeed before something as bad as this happened.'' His glance moved to Kaiji on the bed and he smiled gently. ''You all did some good work and you certainly fulfilled your role as her bodyguard.'' He nodded while he was addressing Kaiji in the last part and it quickly made him flustered.

The rest of the guys chimed in before Kaiji could say a word and I let out a light chuckle. The thoughts consisting of confessing were pushed to the back and I concentrated on just enjoying seeing him grumble at the others, smile and chuckle faintly. It didn't last long before a nurse entered the room and we were told to let Kaiji get some rest. Subaru made short process of making the guys leave and let me and Kaiji have a minute or two to ourselves again.

''Get some rest and get better quickly, okay?'' I smiled at him, not happy about leaving but it mattered greatly that I knew he was okay.

''Hey, come by tomorrow. It's going to be boring just lying here.'' He mumbled with a faint line of red across his cheeks.

''Of course.'' I smiled and gave his hand a small squeeze. ''I wasn't planning on doing anything else.''

We both smiled softly and said our farewells before I left. Once I closed the door behind me, I could feel how exhausted I was.

''Wood. Do you want me to drive you home?'' Subaru asked and I realized he had been waiting for me.

''Yes, thank you, that would be great.'' I sighed with a small smile. ''I think I have some sleep I need to catch up on…''

''You definitively look like you do.'' He chuckled and started to walk.

I started to follow him while feeling reluctant to actually leave the hospital. I wanted to spend more time with him and for some odd reason, I was even somewhat afraid to leave him. What if something happened? I shook my head softly and discarded the thoughts while telling myself that we both needed to rest.

As I stepped outside the hospital, I took a deep breath and took some control over my thoughts again. Right then, sleep definitively sounded like a good idea and a much needed thing. Besides, I had already promised him that I was coming back to visit him tomorrow.

Maybe I would finally get myself to confess the cluster of emotions inside my chest then…