October 16th, 2012
8:08pm
"You have a boyfriend?!" Madge screeches into my ear, shaking my arm furiously as I tried to drink from my beer.
"No," I said, "not a boyfriend. He's just a boy that's a friend."
"A boy that's a friend and kisses," Johanna interjects with a smug smile before I slap it right off her face. I actually just hit her shoulder but it gets her to rid that stupid smile of hers so really, what's the difference?
"You kissed Peeta?!" Madge asks, her nails digging into my skin by the passing second. Prying my left arm out of her grasp, I nod and take a huge swing from the bottle.
"Is he a good kisser?" Johanna asks, looking at me from over her own drink.
Annie giggles, obviously getting a kick out of this. I'm never the one being the center of attention when it came to boys and that's because I have a very bad record of them. Well, one in record and one was enough.
"I don't know," shrugging a shoulder, I sigh and shake my head. "How do you even know if he's a good kisser?"
"Well," Madge speaks happily, "your chest fills up with warmth and your hands tingle just like every other part of you and you just get this need to keep kissing him. Your head is buzzing with everything to nothing—"
"Basically," Johanna says interrupting Madge, "you end up wanting to do more than just kissing. That's how you know he's a good kisser."
"Then… he's a good kisser." I mumbled and drink from my beer again. I'm going to need a whole lot of it if I want to live this one out without tearing either one of them to shreds.
"Who's a good kisser?" Gale asks, coming back from his smoke break with Finnick. The stress of the baby, working some days and some nights and preparing for the big move has put Finnick into a chain smoking habit. He knows it and so does Annie but she keeps her mouth shut-around us at least.
"Peeta Mellark!" My blonde, who used to be my best friend, tells Gale. "He and Katniss are riding the love boat."
"Love doesn't even explain what Peeta and I are!" I exclaim, refusing to let her spread rumors about me and Peeta like that. "Peeta and I kissed a… couple of times. He comes over, I visit, we get dinner or we just lay around. That doesn't mean we're in love let alone a couple."
"So basically you're fuck buddies," Johanna says, shrugging a shoulder like it's okay to call us that.
"No!" I shout and embarrassingly shrink my shoulders. "That's… no, Johanna. That isn't what we are."
"Right," Gale says and pats me on the shoulder. "Because we all know Katniss is too frigid to do anything with a guy."
Gulping away anger, I stare at him and push his hand away from me. Nostrils flaring face heating up and my hands clutch my drink as I try to speak in a calm manner. "You know damn well why I won't sleep with him and it isn't something to fucking joke about, Gale.
The table becomes quiet and I feel nauseous just recalling the memory or even talking about it. His hand comes up to touch me again and I fight it off.
"Catnip," he says softly and I shake my head at him. Looking up at everyone, they're eyes are casted away. Just another night ruined by that stupid fucking boy I used to claim to love. Cato Larter has just ruined another damn night for me and he's not even here to laugh about it or rub it into my face.
"I'm going to go home." Standing up, I reject their weak pleads to make me stay. Instead I slip on my jacket and left Finnick's garage turned apartment and start on my walk home.
There is a reason why I won't make things official with Peeta and where is a reason why I won't sleep with him. There's a reason for everything when it comes to Peeta and my idea about everyone having a motivation is correct and the notion I had about me never being able to let anyone in because of my past isn't just a notion.
You see, I like Peeta in every possible way. He makes my heart melt and makes me question all I knew and all I believed in. Peeta is everything every other man was incapable to do; he can care for me. I just don't think I could return that to him because I like kissing him, I like the idea of having his hands on me and I like that he can comfort me all at the same time.
Peeta is the stability I've been missing and that's my only use of him. My motive is to use Peeta like a sponge, I'll use him to make me happy, to make me feel whole until he realizes I don't actually want him in a forever kind of way and before it blows out I'll drop him like garbage and move on.
On the outside of my complex, my phone buzzes and I look down to the thing to expect an apology from Gale but I'm dreaded to find texts from Peeta.
Hey, I'm hungry. U want to get something?
His incorrect spelling of 'you' made me want to correct him but I only reply.
Sure. When and where?
Unlocking the door, I enter the building and make my way to my house before I reply to the text I received after I sent mine.
How about fifteen minutes?
Looking up, I stare into the darkness of my apartment and sigh. It can't be too bad. After we're done eating, I'll kiss him in his car and we'll say good night. The day will end well and I'll fall asleep feeling whole and acting as if I wasn't thinking this just now.
Call me when you're outside.
Within fifteen minute Peeta is outside and I'm meeting him in the car. Once inside, he leans over to kiss my cheek softly, quick like it was a reflex now and it must be because I let him kiss me. Even though it still makes my heart twinge, I do.
"We're going to a diner," he tells me, "I'm low on cash until tomorrow." I nod and smile, murmuring that it's fine.
Once parked outside of the diner, I wait for him to come around and open my door. I've refused this before but he insists to do it so I let him do that, too. I let him do a lot of things now that I think about it. I let him hold me, kiss me, open door for me, tell me secret and I let him take me out to dinner when really I want to be alone. The last part doesn't really count around Peeta, though because I forget of wanting to be alone when he's around.
Lacing our fingers together, Peeta pulls me slowly toward the diner and it dawns on me which one we had gone to. The sign is neon pink, flashing the word 'open 24/7' right under it in green. My heart pounds in my chest and everything becomes numb within me. That feeling hadn't come over me in ages that it feels foreign.
"What?" Peeta asks me, stopping in his step to look directly at me when he realizes I'm stiff.
Shaking my head, I don't want to tell him this is the exact place I used to go with the guy who ruined me. I don't want to tell him anything, ever. My past was shit and my future doesn't look that good without Peeta and telling him everything about me will make me lose him.
"Nothing," I breathe quietly then give him a small smile. "I'm just… really lightheaded. I haven't eaten anything in a while so… that might be it." Nodding, I add more. "Yeah, that must be it. Let's just go." Beside, what's the chance that we'll see Cato? Then the memory of Cato threatening me with payback comes into mind. That was last year and I haven't seen him since or heard anything about him.
Once inside, I'm relieved to find there's one lonely drunk in the corner taking a swing from his flask. He looks our way and smiles sarcastically like we were being offensive or mean in some way. Peeta just smiles, waving at him then tugs me towards the other side of the diner.
"Do you know him?" He asks when we sit down, nodding towards the guy who's pouring his alcohol into the coffee.
"No," I say, "do you?" Peeta tells me he doesn't either then looks up to the waitress.
"What would you like, darlings?" The lady asks us with her hair up in a bun and pulls a pencil out of it to write our orders down. Her makeup is messy, almost like she was in a hurry to get it done and it makes me just stare at her. I've never seen her before. Maybe she's new around here.
Peeta tells her that he'll have his usual and finishes with the name Brenda.
Brenda? Who's Brenda? My eyes land on her nametag and it reads Brenda. Does Peeta come here often?
"What about you, sweetie?" She asks, her attention, as well as Peeta's, on me now.
"I'll have some… soup?" She nods and walks away without hurry.
"Are you okay?" Peeta asks me and I nod. The pit of my stomach curls with worry and the back of my head tingles like I know something bad is going to happen.
Peeta talks about his day while I look around the diner, my mind wandering away from the blonde boy before me. Instead I'm thinking of all the times I've been in here and each time it landing on me leaving with an angry boy who threatened to leave me if I ever pulled shit like that again. When he was angry, we'd come here to eat and cool off but Cato would always remain angry in some way until I did something and we'd leave so he could blame it all on me.
"What do you think?" Peeta asks, his hand coming over to brush mine and I jerk away, my head snapping toward him.
"Katniss," he says, tone full of worry, "I'm asking this again and I want you to be honest. Are you alright?"
Like word vomit it all threatens to spill out because I feel like I can trust him. When I open my mouth to speak, my fingertips worry the end of my braid as I start to tell him.
But the ring of the bell from the diner's entrance makes me jump and I clamp my mouth shut at the sound of his voice. Gulping, all I want to do is die now. Cato is here. And from the sound of it, he's drunk.
"For fuck sakes, Glimmer, I said no. Not tonight."
Peeta looks up, his eyes narrowing at the guy who I refuse to look at and I start to panic that he remembers who it is. But he shakes his head, grumbling something about hating loud drunks and I relax—not a whole lot, but just enough to carry our conversation on with a new topic. Peeta doesn't press how I'm feeling anymore.
When our food comes, Peeta eats and talks about how his oldest brother is moving back to California from New York and I try to stay intrigued by nodding my head and smiling here and there or when he makes a joke but I can feel my hands shaking.
As I'm dipping my spoon for more soup the metal quivers against the bowl and Peeta smiles at me wearily.
"Kat," he says and I look up from the meal, eyes probably wider than I'd want them to be.
"Are you okay? You've been in and out of the conversation like crazy. Is something wrong?" Those eyes of his show the worry and when his hand reaches out to hold my wrist, it shows how cautious he can be and the tone of his voice makes me crumble because I want to close up my walls again.
"Yeah," I nod. "I just—I'm tired. Can we go?"
Peeta nods and gets out of the booth first. Shrugging on my coat, I tug my braid out of it and shove my hands into the pockets to hide the nerves I feel. He pays for the meal and wraps his arm around my waist.
Looking over my shoulder, I see Cato for the first time and he stares at his phone like it's the hardest thing to ever use then he smiles. It's that kind of smile that used to make my heart melt but now it makes my stomach drop because I know what he's like. He's not that sweet, loving, caring guy I met as a naive sixteen year old.
Peeta curses and my head wipes to him, my brows knitting together in confusion.
"I forgot my phone," he turns around and leaves me alone and I want to pull him back, tell him not to leave me but I stay still and duck my head.
When I think he's back, I look up and find a smelly old man standing before me with a toothy grin that makes me want to smile in an odd way.
"Excuse me sweetheart," he says, "but do you have spare change?"
I shake my head out of reflex. It's not on purpose but around Cato it's always a head shake to people. 'Do you want a drink?' I shake my head. 'Do you want to go out and get some dinner with us?' I shake my head. 'Do you want to tell me what's wrong?' I shake my head.
"That's alright," the man tells me, waving his hand slowly and looks over his shoulder to the waitress and looks at me. "I like the rush, anyway." And he dashes out of the diner like his life depended on it.
Only a few seconds later and the waitress is running to pass me but bumps into me then apologizes while rushing out the door a phone in hand.
"Are you okay?" Cato calls from behind me and I freeze, not wanting to stand or reply.
"I said are you okay?" He repeats and I can hear him grunt, getting up and out of his seat.
"Peeta," I mumbled and watch him make his way toward me slowly as he eyes Cato curiously. When his gaze lands on me, the pure fright must be written on my face because now he's running to me.
Chest heaving, I can feel Cato behind me because I can smell alcohol and cologne and both a strong scent, one to make me sick.
"Hi," Peeta smiles tightly lipped at Cato and I scramble to my feet and press myself to his side in a hug. Never questioning me, he hugs me back loosely while staring at Cato.
"Hey man, I was just going to help the girl out 'cause if you hadn't notice, she was pushed." He slurs lazily but I know that tone. It's a warning on, one to tell the other person shit was about to get serious.
"Let's go," I whisper to Peeta and he nods then mumbles a quiet and curt 'thanks' to Cato. When we try to pass, Cato presses his palm to Peeta's shoulder, successfully stopping him in step.
"Don't I know you?" The drunk asks, pointing a finger to Peeta when I look up. The two face each another while I become invisible to Cato as soon as he starts to search his brain for the right memory.
My eyes bounce back and forth between the two while Peeta does the same, trying to remember how Cato would ever know him.
"No," Peeta replied, calmly removing Cato's hand and smiling kindly as ever. "I believe you have me mistaken." And he ushers me out in a swift and quick motion until the door is shut behind us and I can breathe.
"Let's take you home now." Peeta whispers in my ear gently and I nod, and like Peeta is, he never questions anything.
Hey! I'm so freaking sorry that I've been away. I know it means nothing but I'm back.
You can message me or ask questions at my Cato roleplay blog: