I apologize in advance for the bad jokes. Family dinner is never easy. This time, it inspired me to a chapter full of jokes that would've perfectly fit in at the table with my family. We're weird like that. I do not apologize however for pulling Garrus' and Kaidan's legs. This is their own undoing… cough…

Chapter 3

"Wait! I almost forgot to tell the pun I have…" She redirected a light and it shone on a subwoofer and a microphone.

"Please welcome our guest speaker and his best friend Mike!"

Silence.

"Well, it was worth a shot. I thought it was funny. Maybe I should pay for the next round in Flux, so you can all afford to buy a sense of humor." Shepard brooded.

"Stop with the dad jokes already!" Kasumi said and rolled her eyes.

"Well, since I'm a woman, I'd have to hook up with probably Liara or Samara to be able to tell dad jokes. Right now, I can only tell mom jokes, if anything."

Collective groaning.

"Enough! Let's get this over with." Kaidan said, rolling his eyes, and grabbed the microphone, almost violently so.

He hit the button to select the song and the music started. Most crewmembers had never really heard century-old human music, aside from the stray songs they could hear through the walls of the captain's quarters where Shepard was blasting her favorites if she wasn't on a ground mission.

Other than one would maybe associate with a buttchin, Kaidan's voice was everything but shitty. Despite his rather soft voice during conversation, his singing voice was rather gravelly, which was perfect for his chosen song. He even swayed his hips during the refrain. Silence fell onto the warehouse when the last note faded away.

"Well, that was a promising start!" Shepard's voice ripped through the silence relentlessly.

"But now…" she started chuckling. "What? It was funny. 'Butt now', you get it? Butt? Like ass?" Silence. "I give up. Garrus, you're on. Hit it! Like A Virgin, by Madonna."

The turian hesitantly hit the button. He closed his eyes and started singing. To the surprise of everyone, he hit even the high notes. Even Kaidan's jaw dropped during the performance. Slow applause started when the music stopped.

"Seriously, how did you do that? I didn't know turians could sing this high."

Garrus shrugged. "I was a few years in a choir with my sister back on Palaven, before I joined the military."

"Seriously?" Kaidan asked with open mouth.

He shrugged again and crossed his arms, eyeing the biotic defensively. "What? I wasn't hatched an adult. Even I had a childhood."

"Okay, boys. This all-female-and-asari council has declared Garrus the winner. One point for you. Kudos, I didn't think you could pull off a Madonna song. Impressive. On we go to the first dance-offs!"

The mechanic arm spun the wheel again, and when it stood still, laughter and giggling filled the air.

"Seems like you ran out of luck, guys. Did you think 'songs about sex' was embarrassing? Try your luck with 'Teenie songs'."

"I pick…" Kaidan started, but was interrupted by Shepard.

"See the asterisk behind the category? Learn to hate it. You don't get to pick this round." she said smugly.

Both Kaidan and Garrus gulped.

"What have we here? Perfect! Garrus, you will go first… with 'Never say never' by Justin Bieber. We even procured the old music videos to the songs. You can watch the video once to look at the performance, then we proceed."

Garrus hit the button, and groaned at what he was looking at. Kaidan cringed and almost felt sorry for his adversary. And, with this horrendous song already for Garrus, he didn't want to think about what was in store for him.

Once the video was finished, a countdown started on the screen, and when it reached zero, Garrus started dancing. With absolute no idea of human teenagers, Garrus proved that his waist was very flexible, but not much more.

Afterwards, Shepard started clapping slowly. "Okay… Well… It wouldn't have been that good if it hadn't been so hilariously bad. Granted, the song choice was a little bit cruel. But anyhow, Kaidan, you won't be getting away much better. My choice for you is… 'Wednesday' by Rebecca Black."

For that choice, Kaidan fared pretty well. He even did a little moonwalk, which was kind of ironic since that little mission he went on where the crew of the Normandy first met EDI.

"This round goes to Kaidan, I'm afraid. It was surprisingly bland in comparison, but Garrus was really bad."

"Rub it in, will you?" Garrus growled.

"Gladly." Shepard retorted. "Well, seems as if I, the inventor, sponsor, and main attraction of this event was just outvoted." she said with a little annoyance in her voice. "The majority thinks you both suffered enough, even though you're tied for first place, so I will now declare on my own who is going on a date with me."

There was a little feedback in the loudspeakers when Shepard left her small commentator's box and stepped out into the open with the rest of the ladies.

Kaidan and Garrus shielded their eyes as the lights slowly dimmed up.

"After careful consideration, and given the fact that you started fighting over me without even consulting me first, I choose… Miss Samantha Traynor! Congratulations!"

You totally didn't see that one coming, am I right? This was the plan all along, and I think I'm quite happy with the "final product". I hope it was a fun ride, it was for me. It could have been a little bit longer, but in the end, I can only say "Suck it, this was awesome."

Onkel Jo over and out.

FIN