I feel warm... but in an uncomfortable way. And I can't breathe. Everything hurts and I feel like I'm suffocating.
Weeks passed by since I was in the hospital for self-mutilation. I was in one of those mental instutions.
I think I still am there. But I don't know. I can't see. Everything's so heavy...
I open my eyes but see darkness. I was startled into my now awakened state. I'm confused and breathing heavily. Why can't I see?
"Oh, you're awake."
I feel something move across my eyes and light floods my vision. A rag had been over my eyes.
"What's going on?"
"You were sleeping. You're in pretty bad shape. You passed out while getting lunch a couple of days ago, when we investigated we found out you had an infection in the areas that you mutilated. We have you on antibiotics and pain medication. But you're daily counseling sessions will now be privatized instead of group because of your need medical attention."
I nod. An infect wound. The irony.
"How long have I been at this place...?" I ask suddenly.
"Ever since your admission two months ago. Your brother and cousin visit every Wednesday and Saturday, during our visiting hours."
I nod again. Two months. I don't remember being here that long. I might have gone automatic.
"During these past two months... how have I... been?"
The nurse lady laughs and looks at me. "We noticed you were experience automaticism."
"Automaticism?"
"Meaning that your mental state basically shuts down to block out any negativity. You do things automatically, but they're usually basic needs: eat, sleep, relieve yourself, etcetera. In group and private therapy, you never spoke. You just had a blank look on your face and we recognized that you weren't... there in a sense. You shut yourself down. I guess the infection woke you up."
I had been blank for two month. That explains my lack of memory.
"So during an automaticism... is the hippocampus affected?"
"In a way. In a case of automaticism, your brain records the events but it fails to process it as a memory in your hippocampus because it's priority is set to 'survival' and basically disables any new memories from forming."
That explains the memory (or lack thereof) issues I'm having.
"Gotcha."
I'm starting to realize... Sasuke should treat me better. I don't wanna go through this again and I don't want Kurama and Karin to go through this.
I really hurt them. My family's worth more than Sasuke... right?
I'm right, right?
Another month later and I was finally released from the hospital.
I'm back at school and everybody has pity in their eyes. What used to be hate and scorn was now pity and sympathy.
I guess they found out that I was the "suicide kid".
I still have some people glaring at me, but not near as much. I reach my locker and see Kiba trying to chip away the word 'emo' off my locker. I'm used to the harassment. I put a hand on his shoulder and shake my head.
He looks down.
In a sense, I've moved on. But in another sense, I've also given up.
I'm just so tired of this game of Slave and Master that I have going with Sasuke and it's driving me absolutely insane.
Because of my little... scrimage (with myself), I am now on suicide watch. I have to speak to the school counselor everyday and my normal therapist twice a week. I have to see my psychiatrist once a month to get a refill on my antidepressant they're shoving down my throat.
I scratch one of my whiskered cheeks and look at myself in the mirror nearby. My arms are bandaged and I look pale. I'm looking thinner than normal. My hair's also a paler blonde than it used to be, almost lifeless... like my now dead blue eyes. They used to shine a crystal blue color, now they're more like a bottomless sea blue. Into an abyss of nothingness where despair and hoplessness reign over my being.
I'm pathetic and everyone at school knows that.
I have to attend the school's church group every Monday afterschool. It's called the 'Saved Souls Society' or Triple S for short. They talk about how God has blessed them with life and how they found God after attempts of suicide. It's a suicide-reach group.
There's just one problem with me being in a group like that... I don't believe in God. In Him. In the Almighty.
I just don't.
If He's real, then he's an asshole because he let my parents die. I wouldn't be this fucked up kid if I had parents.
Kurama's an awesome brother, but... he's not mom. And he's not dad.
After my first day of Triple S, I'm ready to skip town. We preached, we sang hymns, and we read the Leviticus.
I don't want to read the Leviticus or the Exodus. I don't want to read Genesis, Deuteronomy, or Numbers. I don't want practice Psalms or pray to Him because to me, He doesn't exist.
I walk out the school with my head down. I walk to and from school so it's no big deal if I stay afterschool or not; sometimes Kiba gives me rides but he didn't stay afterschool today.
I'm about walk down the steps when I collide with someone running up them.
"Ow!"
I know that voice. I look up to see one miss Haruno Sakura.
I quickly gather my things to stand up and leave. I don't want to talk to her.
"Naruto...?"
Shit.
"Oh... uh... hey Sakura, how's it going?"
She sneers at first before sighing and standing up. "Just fine. Since when were you such a..." She pauses looks down and sighs. "I'm sorry. For being so mean... I didn't know you were hurting so bad on the inside. Kiba told me what Sasuke does to you... I never knew he was that kind of man..."
I blink. Well that was a surprise.
"Why... did you believe him...?"
"When you told me... I just thought... you wanted me to break up with him so you could have him... but then Kiba told me and Shikamaru confirmed... and I... I felt so bad... I'm so angry and confused..." She sighs again and then does the unthinkable. She hugs me.
My eyes grow wide with surprise. "Sakura...?"
"I'm so sorry... You have to end this relationship with him. It's hurting you. You already attempted suicide... the world's not better without you."
I close my eyes and sigh, myself. "I know... but it's hard. Because a part of me really loves him but the other part is rational."
"Naruto... you have my support to end it, but you can't have my support to stay with him. He's hurting you emotionally. And that emotional hurt is hurting you physically... I can't support that."
"Thank you... Sakura... I'll figure something out."
I walk down the steps after waving goodbye. On my way home, I stop dead in my tracks to find a sight I never wanted to see.
Next chapter will be the last chapter.
Just a heads up.
And it will be the most gruesome.
Don't like gore, I suggest not reading the last chapter... but you'll be missing out on how it ends.
Your author,
Nova