52: "Just for fun" (with special guest star Dick Dale!)
Usagi's head sunk, stirring only slightly to issue a long groan. Edmund Hillary himself would have been daunted by the sheer amount of paperwork that had piled onto her desk over the past few weeks. In spite of her infamous reputation as a slacker, Usagi really had tried to power through these labors, but all her efforts seemed in vain when considering how much more there was left. She needed a vacation, badly. Summoning the strength to rise from her position, she glanced at her calendar, noticing that tomorrow was the last day of summer. Feeling stricken that she had let such a glorious time slip away from her, she decided to do something about it, and vowed to have the following day off.
Quickly wrapping up whatever she had been working on before—just on case Hari decided to check on her progress—she rushed over to the Chief's office, knocking quietly and offering her most charming smile.
"Come in. What can I do for you, Tsukino?"
"Oh, it's just a simple little request. Could I possibly have tomorrow off?" Harisvatta thought about it for a moment, checking the week's schedule to see if there would be any conflicts.
"I don't see why not. Any particular reason?" Usagi smiled humbly.
"Well, it's the last day of summer, and...I kind of need the break."
"I see. You do good work for me, Tsukino. Not great, but good. I suppose it would be okay to give you one day off. You've certainly built up enough vacation time."
"Really? Thanks, Chief! I promise to make it up to ya when I get back!"
"Considering how large that stack on your desk has gotten, I would hope so." Usagi's spirits deflated, but her boss chuckled, assuring her it was only a joke. "So where do you plan on going?"
"Well, if everyone else is up for it, I'd like to go to the beach."
"Ah, an excellent destination. I hope you have fun, Tsukino."
"Hey," she winked, "I know I will!"
The moment she got back to her desk, Usagi contacted her friends and invited them to join her. In spite of the overwhelming threat of gods of death and demons from the underworld, they all took her up on her offer, and planned a rendezvous at the nearest beach, completely forgetting about their duties as Senshi,which they would normally never do.
…...
Meanwhile, in the darkest corner of the deepest lair of the country, Nergal, god of the underworld, was brewing over his plans. Knowing that his options as a main Sailor Moon villain were surprisingly limited, he felt that vocally expressing his thoughts in a long, drawn-out exposition would help in making that decision.
"Soon, now," he growled deeply. "Soon."
"Um, sir? There are a lot of people waiting in line behind you."
"Silence, foolish barista! I'm forming my villainous monologue."
"Can you please form it somewhere else? Just give your order and hurry along."
"Curses! All right, give me a large coffee, black. Yes...black as the pit of my soul! Black as the depths of the underworld! Black as the eternal night which will soon cover your pathetic world! Black as—"
"That'll be 875 yen, please."
"WHAT! For a single cup of coffee?!"
"Yes, sir, that's the price. Tax included."
"CURSE YOU! ...Fine," he relented, slamming nine hundred-yen notes on the counter. He nabbed the single coin he got as change, neglecting to put it in the tip jar as he grumbled his way out of line and sat at a nearby table. "Soon," he snarled, clenching his teeth, "soon!"
"Your coffee, sir," said the waitress as she brought it to his table. Grunting, he thanked her, sipping slowly, finally regaining his wicked smile. "Mmm, delicious! Now, where was I? Ah, yes, exposition! Now that I have killed Anu and sent his soul screaming across the everlasting void of the underworld, my next task is to deliver my beloved Ereshkigal from her long torment. However, such a task shall require an enormous amount of life-energy, and mine is insufficient. Even the other gods, as powerful as they are, would not help me in my goal...hmm, but the ones they have designated as servants just might. After all, there are more of them living in this era than any I have ever known."
"Um, sir?" One of the waitresses approached him meekly. "Is everything all right? You've been talking to yourself an awful lot, and it's upsetting the other customers."
"I'm not talking to myself, I'm engaged in an exposition! It's necessary!"
There was a long pause.
"Oh...kay." She crept away stiffly, leaving Nergal to resume. He knew what he had to do, but how would he go about doing it? Not by himself, oh no; he had to trust far less competent people for that work, and they in turn had to trust far less competent villains of the week to carry out their deeds. Why multiple entities could not be used was a mystery, but apparently, one per week, focusing on a single gimmick, seemed to be the norm, as contrived and idiotic as it sounded. And who was Nergal to argue against such airtight logic?
"Moloch," he called, and Moloch came out of the depths.
"Hey," one of the employees groaned, "I just mopped there!"
"Silence, mortal fool! Kings have groveled at my fee—"
"Is there a problem here, sir?" the manager called. "Do I need to call the police?" Moloch scowled.
"No—ahem! No, there's no problem here. I apologize."
"Good." Grumbling, Moloch sat down across from his master, eying the large coffee. Nergal sensed his desire, and possessively cradled the cup, matching his envious stare.
"Get...your...own," he sneered. Then, slowly, he sipped, his eyes burning. Moloch scowled.
"You summoned me, master?"
"Mmm...it tastes fantastic."
"Master."
"Ah, yes," he smiled, placing an empty cup on the table. "The next phase of my plan must soon go into motion. I want you to gather life-force from the people of this world, so that my beloved Ereshkigal will have the power necessary to be freed from her imprisonment."
"It will be done as you say. As a matter of fact, after some contemplation on the matter, and observation of the people, I have come to understand they oftentimes hold seaside festivities during this season, and become lax in their responsibilities. I can think of no better time to strike."
"Then you have your mission, Moloch. Do not fail me again, because if you do, then I will do absolutely nothing for several more episodes—I mean, days."
"Good save, master. You almost made a fourth wall joke."
There was another long pause.
"Anyway, I promise you victory, master, even if it costs me your life!"
"What was that?"
"I said, 'even if it costs me my life'!" With that, Moloch fazed out, leaving Nergal to grin wickedly.
"Yes...have your fun in the sun while you can, puny fools! Because in no time at all, my beloved shall be free, and then life and death shall be ours to command!" He threw his head back and cackled wildly, but this was the last straw for the management, who promptly threw him out of the coffee shop, forcing Nergal to find another evil lair.
…...
The broad sky was partially canvassed with wispy streams and tendrils, pierced most prominently by a shy sun, and on occasion, a plane and its dull roar, or a gull and its melancholy cry. Golden grains stretched as far as a squinted eye could see, its expanse peppered with all manner of people, colorful towels, great parasols, toys, dripping swimmers, castles, shells, and brave clumps of grass that had ventured far. The air was understandably salty, but also filled with grilling meat and vegetables; Usagi's primal desires were aroused even as her eyes found steady competition with the more masculine locals (arousing something else entirely). She was inexplicably the first to arrive at the beach, but in no time at all, her friends joined her, arriving together in a cluster.
"Ah, the eternal battle between the dumpling's libido and appetite," Rei remarked. Usagi snorted at her, but the others just laughed.
"I'd say appetite wins," Minako winked. "Some of these guys really do look good enough to eat!"
"They're all right, I suppose," Makoto shrugged. She glanced out at the waves, noticing all the swimming, fishing, sailing, and diving going on. "I'm actually more interested in those waves! It's been way too long since I went surfing!"
"This is normally the part where I'd mention something about studying," Ami muttered. "However, since none of us are in school anymore, I shall simply make reference to Catalina Capers, and nothing more. Ahem." Clearing her throat, Ami drew everyone's attention. "Goodness me, isn't this just like that film, Catalina Capers?"
The entire beach went utterly silent.
"I apologize, but it had to be done. Now let's go have some fun!"
"Sheesh," Minako muttered as Ami ran ahead of them, "and you guys rip on me whenever I make a bad joke!"
"I don't even know what Catalina Capers is," Usagi said.
"They're just like ordinary capers," Makoto winked, "except you find them in Catalina, California!"
The entire country became dead silent.
"Can we please stop making terrible jokes?!" Rei screamed. "If this keeps up, I'm afraid I'll be next!"
"You and I both, sister," Usagi nodded. She and Rei headed off to the changing room, leaving poor Makoto behind.
"Um...was it really that bad?" Minako bopped her on the head lightly.
"Food jokes are forbidden, and so is alliteration."
"Don't conch me on the head," Makoto grinned, holding up a shell. Minako suddenly flew into a demonic rage and chased her away. Things settled down eventually, once everyone stepped outside in their swimsuits. Minako and Ami took one look at each other, and got epic nosebleeds that sent them rocketing several kilometers away, while Rei started collecting shells, hoping to make a necklace for Setsuna, and Usagi soaked up some rays, posing for every man that passed in the hopes that at least one would stare (alas, they were all drawn to the only married woman of the bunch).
"Ugh," she groaned, "how am I supposed to compete with that?"
"By not imitating her," Rei advised from afar. "Trust me, dumpling: if you tried to surf, you'd only humiliate yourself."
"And you have the gall to call yourself my friend," she wept. Rei smiled softly.
"Maybe you should've worn your police uniform?"
"Not on my day off...though I am starting to consider it." Rei grinned and went back to collecting shells. While all of this was going on, a mysterious shadowy figure was observing the beach carefully, meditating on what he saw and what he would do next.
"It is just as I expected," he murmured softly to himself. It was, of course,Moloch, invisible to the eye, a ghostly presence casting a foreboding ray on the—"Just a moment," he said, taking a sip from his coffee. He threw the empty cup onto the sand, because only someone as vile and as twisted as he would litter, then grinned maliciously, preparing for his external monologue. "The people here are full of life. They have completely disregarded any concerns, and are here solely to enjoy themselves. It is inexcusable that such energy should be wasted on this frivolous—"
"Excuse me, sir?" A beach security officer glanced up at him. "Did you drop this coffee cup?"
"Be quiet! Can't you see I'm in the middle of my external monologue? I have to describe how I'm going to fulfill the week's operation. But how did you see me? I am like a shade at the edge of darkness concealed within a ball of mystery that is, itself, invisible."
"Um, no, you're clear as day, and you have a five-thousand yen fine for littering."
"WHAT! How dare you, you insignificant flea! Do you know whom you address?"
"Don't know, don't care," the officer said, handing Moloch a littering ticket. "You've just been served, sir."
"The only thing that will be served is your life energy, freshly squeezed from your wilting corpse!"
"Whatever, buddy, I got a lot of ground to cover today. Just pay the fine and stay outta trouble." Moloch grumbled hotly as he read the paper, crumpled it up, and threw it on the ground. His palms glowed with a dismal light.
"I have suffered this world long enough. The time is nigh for Lord Nergal to strike, and bring about a new era. O hear me, lord of the underworld, and let this be your first offering!" The light from his hands surrounded the ball of paper, expanding it to a tremendous size, until it took the form of a hideous origami creature. Moloch couldn't help but grin at his work.
"Whom do you serve, thrall?"
"Saruman!"
"What?!"
"I mean, Moloch! I serve Moloch!"
"That's more like it," he chuckled. "Your only purpose in life is to steal life-force for the resurrection of Ereshkigal. Do you understand? Then go, and do not disappoint me!" The origami monster chortled and threw itself into the crowd, wrapping paper tendrils around their throats and soaking up their power. This naturally caused some commotion, and the Senshi were among the first to notice the screaming and panicking crowds.
"What's going on?!" Usagi blurted.
"I don't know, but it can't be good," Minako added.
"I'll bet our enemies are behind this!" Rei said.
"I'm not sure why we're all acting surprised," Ami muttered. "I mean, we knew, full well, that our enemies were loose in the country, plotting some form of conquest or destruction like always, and yet we came to this beach as if all was well."
"I know," Makoto said. "You'd think we'd learn by now. Anyway, let's transform." Usagi nodded and ran off to do so in privacy, but Minako stopped her.
"Hey, where are you going? The fight's this way!"
"Umm, I need to transform. You know. In private."
"Oh yeah."
Ami sighed. "May I remind you both that all of Japan, and perhaps the world, watched us transform a few days ago? They know who we are, so there's no point in hiding."
"Oh yeah."
"Honestly," she sighed, covering her face. Makoto and Rei couldn't help but smile.
"If it's any consolation, we had no idea they'd target this exact beach."
"Yes we would! The bad guys always go after the same places that we do! Every time, Rei, without fail!"
"This is starting to feel a little formulaic," Makoto noted. The women became Senshi right in front of hundreds of people, who immediately started cheering for their heroes. Suddenly, the hideous origami monster struck, wrapping its long tendrils around their group with a single flick of the wrist.
"Just our luck!" Venus exclaimed. "We spend seven minutes transforming and the bad guy has us on the ropes in three seconds!"
"Maybe we shouldn't have clustered so close together," Mars suggested.
"But it worked so many times for us in the past," Moon wailed. The other Senshi went silent. Once more, Sailor Mercury sighed.
"I really hope you were being ironic, Usagi."
"Never mind that!" Jupiter exclaimed. "This is absurd! It's just paper! I'll bet we can..." She grit her teeth and flexed her muscles, expanding the constrictive paper until it snapped apart. All the Senshi spilled out, but despite this setback, the origami monster pressed on, turning its remaining arm into a sword. Sailor Mars rolled to her feet first, shooting off an enormous fireball, which the creature easily dodged.
"What the hell!" she shrieked. "Why can't I ever hit anything?! You'd think that with fire, I'd at least get some indirect damage in! And this thing's made out of paper, for crying out loud!" She growled and rolled away from another attack, but then the monster inexplicably went after Sailor Moon, and none of the others used its split focus to their advantage! Sailor Moon flinched as the sharp arm soared closer, but at the last possible moment, a rose shot out of the sky, stopping the creature's charge. Sailor Moon stared at the flower.
"Whoa, could it really be him this time?" she wondered. There was nobody conspicuously wearing a tuxedo anywhere in the vicinity, although they could hear someone shrieking, grunting, and wheezing very hard. Mercury's sensors picked up the aberration first.
"Ah, I see him. He's climbing that palm tree."
"Who? Mamoru?!"
"No...it's Umino."
"Rats," she scowled. "But why is he climbing a palm tree?"
"Because installing any sense of logic this late in the episode would be a waste of time."
"Damn it, no fourth wall jokes, either!" Sailor Venus roared. Displacing a few coconuts and leaves, Umino finally made it to the top of the palm tree, though he had no solid footing to keep him there.
"Ah...aha! Whew! Evil monster, the beach is no place for a...whew, that really took a lot out of me! How does that other guy do this all the...uh... F-fair not, fear ladies, for Tuxedo Umino has come here to rescue-woo-woo-whoa!"
And down he went, face-first into a dune. Everyone winced.
"Umm...well," Sailor Moon attempted, "it's the thought that counts, isn't it?"
"All right, step aside!" Mars shouted. "I want another crack at this paper peon!" She threw a much faster fireball this time, hitting the monster square in the chest. Three more followed, consuming it, and it crumpled to ash leaving only a terrible scream in its wake. Mars clenched her fist in victory, but Sailor Moon slumped over.
"Uh...isn't that usually my job?"
"Why would we expect you to destroy every monster we come across?" Venus said. "Remember, Usagi, there's no 'nose' in team."
"And thus the universe achieves balance again," Jupiter sighed. High above them, Moloch scowled at his loss, even shaking his fist at the Senshi.
"Curse you, Sailors! I'll be back again! Next week! With another gimmick that will most likely result in failure, with no repercussions on my end!"
"Why wait?" Jupiter called. "Instead of prolonging the fight, let's finish things here and now. I mean, why delay the inevitable?"
"Hmm, you've got an astoundingly good point. Even if I fail, I'll probably be able to take one or two of you with me, or at least put you out of commission for the foreseeable future."
"That's the ticket! Come on down here and we'll settle this once and for all!" Moloch agreed and descended onto the hot sand, standing only for a moment before his feet began to burn. He rose again slightly, grimacing.
"Could I have some sandals, please?"
"Oh, sorry, here you go." Moloch took a moment to put them on, but once his feet were comfortable, he resumed his evil behavior.
"Thank you! Now...I challenge your group to...a surfing contest!"
"What?!"
"You fiend!"
"Silence!" he roared. "I am Moloch, my will be done! Or would you rather I challenge you to...a sandcastle-building contest!?"
"No! Anything but that! We'll take the surfer's challenge! But we have a request!"
"What is it?" he snarled. Sailor Venus smiled and winked.
"We can't do it without some gnarly surfer tunes, bra! And who better to provide this most excellent soundtrack than special guest star Dick Dale?!"
"Agreed!" Moloch exclaimed, and Dick Dale was summoned from the crowd to play for them (much like Elvis, Dick Dale always manages to find himself in these situations). The Senshi drew straws to see who would go first, and Sailor Mars won. She proudly mounted a flaming red board and swam out with her opponent, but as soon as she caught a wave, she was capsized, removing any chance of success. Moloch laughed his way back to shore.
"Wow, you suck," Venus said. Mars flailed at her.
"Shut up! How am I supposed to surf in heels, anyway?"
"If they're such a bother, why even wear them?" Mercury said. She went up next, but while she was certainly more competent than her fiery companion, Mercury was a swimmer, not a surfer. She blandly stood on her board, more focused on balance than style, achieving only sub-par scores from the judges.
"Sorry," she squeaked. Venus smiled and patted her back.
"Hey, don't sweat it! Sailor Moon's going to crush him when it's her turn!"
When it was finally Sailor Moon's turn, she wasn't even able to hang onto her board long enough to stand on it. The two of them were separated by a riptide, which she barely escaped from.
"Like I said, I'm going to crush them when it's my turn!"
"That makes me feel a little better," Mars said. "No matter how bad my performance was, it couldn't possibly be as horrible as Usagi's." Sailor Moon suddenly emerged from the shore, covered with seaweed and starfish.
"I heard that, Rei." Sailor Venus went next, and pulled off the first truly successful run, skimming across the waves in perfect harmony to Dick Dale's music. She even pulled off a few twists and flips, but was still no match for Moloch's amazing skills. When the two of them finally came to shore, she was stunned.
"Gee whiz, when does an ancient demon find time to hone his surfing skills?"
"The sacrifice gig isn't as popular as you might think. I have lots of free time."
"Is that so? Well, anyway, like I said, Sailor Jupiter's going to crush hi—"
Jupiter lightly bopped her friend on the head. "You're not very consistent, are you?"
"But isn't it the truth?" she winced. Jupiter smiled warmly at her, then gave a signal to Dick Dale. He warmed up as she and her opponent swam out to the breakers, but while Moloch was able to get up and perform a few tricks early, Sailor Jupiter was wiped out by an enormous wave.
"Oh, crap!" Venus shrieked. "There go our chances! And my clairvoyance cred!"
Sailors Moon and Mars each whacked her on the head. "Now who's telling the bad jokes!"
"Go easy on her, you two, that's just her schtick," Mercury said. Venus wept and hugged her lover.
"Thanks, Ami! I can always count on you."
"But even for you, sunshine, that was awful."
Venus deflated all the way to the sand. "So cruel..." As Mercury picked her back up, Sailor Moon gave a cry and pointed at the ocean. Sailor Jupiter had not only emerged from the wave that had apparently sunk her, but she had mastered it as well, gliding with effortless grace. Dick Dale struck up the legendary "Misirlou" as she jumped, twirled, danced, and even performed a brief handstand on her board, utterly crushing her competition.
"Aha! Clairvoyance cred established!" Venus exclaimed. Jupiter finished her run by soaring into the air, whirling upside-down, and pulling off a stomach-churning 720 before splashing back down and riding the breaker all the way to the shore, where she was grinning with joy. Moloch screamed, tearing at his face with rage and humiliation. Jupiter had unquestionably dominated the match, and her skills were so awesome that they caused Moloch to explode.
"Wait, wait, wait," Mercury said: "So losing a surfing match kills him?" None of that mattered, of course, for not only had Sailor Jupiter destroyed the villain, won the contest, and saved the day, but the ghosts of Malakamaki Mountain could be freed from their torment at long last, the youth center did not get torn down, the dying child recovered, and she even got the girl, as Brandi threw herself at the champion.
"My hero!"
"Gah! I'm married!"
Guy! The guy! Sailor Jupiter gets the guy.
"My hero!"
"Motoki! How'd you get in this chapter?" He embraced her just as Dick Dale moved into a celebratory dance song. Meanwhile, not far from where they were, Batman defeated the Joker in a similar event, Fonzie defeated Free Willy in a jumping contest over Jaws (who was subsequently killed by Roy Schneider), and the Yellow Submarine emerged from the deep. Ringo Starr stuck his head out, shaking his fist at them.
"Hey, you kids! Keep that racket down!"
The dancing and surf music stopped. Then, everybody laughed.
The End!
Author's apology:
I couldn't help myself. It was the perfect time for some comic relief, so I took advantage of it. If you don't know who Dick Dale is, he's an extremely influential musician who specializes in—some might even say "invented"—surf music, particularly surf rock. While I seriously doubt that he, his representatives, or his acquaintances will ever chance upon this, if they do, I hope they can understand why I did this, not take any legal action against me, and have a good laugh.