Moments

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Chapter Thirty-three:

The voice spoke to me softly in the darkness, it was just a whisper really.

"James."

"Go away" I called back as I looked into the night. There were no stars out tonight. They were all hidden by the dark clouds. It looked like rain.

I heard the sound of footsteps and turned to glare at the last person I expected to see. "Will you just go the fuck away Laney? You're literally the last person on earth I want to see right now."

"No."

"No?" I repeated shocked. "That wasn't a question. That was a demand. I want to be alone. I don't have time to entertain your fantasies right now. Or ever for that matter."

"You're on suicide watch" Laney pointed out.

"I'm not going to jump" I snapped. Sure I'm standing in the highest tower looking out of the open window, but that doesn't mean anything .I'm not trying to off myself. Those other times, those were accidents. it's was my subconscious.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" She asked.

No, nor do I want to remember. Hell if I had my way I'd go back in time and make sure we never met. I'd go back in time and change a lot of things.

We didn't even have a year together, me and Ali. We've been going to school together for so long but I hadn't even noticed her until September. If I weren't so stupid back then, I would've looked for her. If I had known how things would be I would've grabbed her and never let go.

"We met right here" Laney said interrupting my thoughts. "I had just come from the owlery with a letter from my dad. My mum died. I sat up here and cried and cried. I didn't realize how much time went past, but I knew it was past curfew. I heard someone coming and I thought it was the caretaker and I was going to be in trouble. But it wasn't. It was you. You said you were out exploring and you heard my cries. Instead of turning me in or saying anything else, you sat down next to me and let me cry on your shoulder. You didn't even ask what was wrong, because it didn't matter. You were there for me."

"What's your point?" I asked cutting her off. Rude, yes. But I didn't need to hear this. I don't care.

"My point is you're a good guy, James. You're going to make it through this."

How in the hell would she know?

"I'm not a good guy. My wife is dead, it's probably my fault. I don't know what my daughter looks like. I haven't even named her yet and each second that goes by with you standing there makes me contemplate what the ground will feel like when I jump out of the window."

"James" Laney gasped.

"JUST GO! LEAVE ME IN FUCKING PEACE, FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!"

I turned my back to her and looked back out into the night sky. They say you can tell your fate from the stars in the night's sky. The sky is empty, so what does that say about me?

Someone sat down next to me. Out of the corner of my eyes I could see Fred. How'd he find me?

"Laney said you're thinking about jumping."

Well that explains how he found me.

"I lied to get her out of my face" I replied. "I'm not going to off myself." Not consciously anyway. How many times do I have to keep telling myself that before it become real?

"I packed all of your things and sent them on. Rose and the girls packed Ali's things too. They want to speak to you."

I know. I've been avoiding them.

"They blame me" I muttered.

"No they don't" Fred replied.

I snorted. "Well they should."

Fred placed a hand on my shoulder. "It wasn't your fault. What happened to Ali was sad and tragic, but fate had other plans for her. There's no one to blame. Blaming yourself doesn't help anyone."

"But what if it is my fault. Something just doesn't feel right. Maybe it was something Rose said or Healer, but I feel like I'm missing something. and that is my fault. What if I missed something important and that's why Ali…."

"It's no one's fault that Ali died. It's not your fault. If something feels off, then find out what it is. Don't sit around and brood or worse think about jumping off the highest tower you fucker. I know about the other suicide attempts. Use your head, and think! Look at your dad, look at Teddy. Both of them turned out ok. But they had hard childhoods. Is that what you want for your daughter? Do you want her to grow up with only pictures of parents? To always wonder why they couldn't stick around for her. Ali couldn't be saved. Buy you can be. So get up off your arse and save yourself."

He was right. I know it. He knows it. I don't want my daughter to grow up alone, it's just...so hard. Why is it so hard to continue on?

I got up, a sudden wave of dizziness hit me. I had to lean on Fred so I wouldn't fall.

We went to the Gryffindor tower and I was immediately surrounded by people wishing me well or giving me a pitying look. I don't need this shit. There's a reason why I didn't want to come back.

I managed to separate myself from the crowd and enter the seventh year boys dormitory. Rose, Emilia, Macey, Chastity, Lily, Lucy, and Roxy were sitting around waiting on me.

"Oh James" Lily rushed to me and gave me a big hug.

I hugged her back more out of reflex than any want or need.

They were all looking at me, I was looking at anywhere but them. Lily was still attached to my waist.

"So," Chastity broke the silence, "have you set a day for the funeral?"

"Too soon" Macey 'whispered' as if I wouldn't hear her anyway.

"No, I…" I haven't done anything.

There was silence in the room. It was awkward. Lily was still holding on to me. I looked to Fred for help but he was too busy trying not to stare at Macey's bum.

"Why was she here?" I asked suddenly. "She agreed to stay behind at my parents because she didn't want to have the baby here. Yet she was here. And I'm just confused because she didn't tell me. Rose said she figured something about a surprised, but I don't know, that just doesn't seem like her to me."

"Do you suspect foul play?" Chastity asked suspiciously.

"We didn't know she was here either," Macey said quickly. "We were concerned when we couldn't find Rose so we asked a teacher and they told us she went to the hospital because Ali was in labor.

"James" Emilia said slowly. "We want to help you in any way you can. Ali is...Ali was our friend. We'd do anything for her. So if you need anything just let us know, okay?"

I nodded slowly.

"Ali didn't have a lot of stuff here" Macey added, "she just left the clothes she didn't want any more. But we've been gathering pictures. We created a scrapbook for you and the baby."

For a moment I had almost forgotten. I am a father. I have a kid. I don't really feel like a father. I guess I haven't been much of one.

"How is she?" Roxy asked.

"She is…"I have no idea.

"Mum says she's doing fine" Lily spoke up. "She wrote this morning" no doubt to put me on suicide watch, "The healers were concerned because she was born early, but she's doing fine."

Well at least someone in the family knows.

Macey handed me the scrapbook. I couldn't look at it, not yet. I knew at the first picture I'd break down and cry in front of all of these girls, and Fred.

"Ali wanted you to be godmother, Rose. If you girls want to see the baby, just let me know and you can. I won't keep her from you. It's not what Ali would have wanted. I'm sorry. I just can't be here right now."

With that I turned from the room and left.

I wish I hadn't forgotten to use my invisibility cloak. People stared and whispered. I forgot how annoying it could be.

I walked until I found myself outside the headmistress's office. I wondered if she changed the password.

"Apple Crisps" I said and to my surprise the stone gargoyle sprang to life.

"Mr. Potter" the headmistress spoke not at all seeming surprised to see me here.

"Do you know Ali's parents' address?" I asked. I wasn't sure why I came this way until the words came out. "They disowned her when they found out she was pregnant and they rebuked all contact she tried to make with them. But they are her parents, and I'd think they would want to know."

"We do have their address on file. Legally I'm not allowed to give it out, but I think we can bend the rules for this occasion."

"Thanks" I replied.

"When you're ready, you can use the portkey here to go home. Technically there are two weeks left in school, but they're mostly for the younger students. Once you take your NEWTs school is pretty much over."

Yea, I kind of didn't finish mine.

Well looks like it's time to go home. Can I even call it that still? If I go back will the memories haunt me? Probably no more than they are here. I smell her everywhere. It's like my mind just expects her to waltz through the door saying "sorry for making you wait."