Emma stood in the Quidditch stands beside Tien, her best Ravenclaw garb covering her body and blue-and-bronze face paint all over her face. She looked festive and spirited, but she felt empty. If Gryffindor managed a win, which she wasn't sure was possible, they'd win the Quidditch Cup. She'd watched Gryffindor win the cup two years prior, but she'd been happy then because Fred had been on the team, but it was so hard to be happy watching Quidditch knowing that Fred was somewhere in the real world, working hopefully, and she'd not heard from him in the weeks since he left.
Tien was being uncharacteristically and surprisingly understanding, but after so many years of Emma being the friend doing all the work for the sake of the other, it was a long overdue and completely appreciated gesture. Tien was even taking time out of her day to study with Emma, even though she really didn't care that much about her N.E.W.T.s, for whatever reason. Emma had asked her a dozen times what she was going to do out of school, and finally Tien admitted it to her.
"I'm actually going to work for the twins," she said. "Don't tell anybody. I've been helping them develop some of their products, and they pay me pretty well for it. It's something I'm good at!"
Emma couldn't really argue with that, since she wasn't opposed to Fred doing it, and after all, it was something Tien seemed to be good at.
"Hey, maybe you could work with us too!" Tien said happily. "Fred would enjoy that, and you're quite talented."
While Emma appreciated the compliment, she didn't feel like she would be in her element at a joke shop, unlike Tien and the twins. And if nothing else, she and Fred would just distract each other from work.
She didn't know what she wanted to do yet, but the question plagued her every day, even standing there as the wind whipped and chapped her face through the blue-and-bronze face paint Tien had so thickly applied. The Quidditch stands were packed and noisy and Emma scarcely watched the match. Ron was doing well, though, she got a sense of that as she stared down at the grass, listening to the ebb and flow of the noises the crowd made.
What if she graduated, got all her N.E.W.T.s, and just wasn't able to find a job that suited her?
She watched as Gryffindor caught the Snitch, as Ron was carried away on the shoulders of various students, and somehow it all felt empty, the life she'd lived at Hogwarts. Had any of it prepared her for life outside the stone walls she'd been calling home for so long?
After all, she'd not been prepared for the battle that was sure to come, except with the bit she'd learned from Harry in the DA. What good was anything else if she wasn't able to stay alive?
But she saw her friends smiling at Gryffindor's win, so she had to smile herself as Katie and Angelina shrieked with joy, hugging Alicia, hugging Ron, hugging anyone they could reach.
The very next week all smiles in the school were gone, or at least, for all fifth and seventh years. Teachers had begun reviewing for N.E.W.T.s and O.W.L.s, officially. Emma would have liked it all to be over, but that would have required the actual exams to take place, and that was the last thing she wanted. She wanted to go home, to find some purpose, and to sleep in Fred's arms like she used to, just to know he was okay.
She didn't have too much time to think about her loneliness, though. The teachers and her friends were keeping her busy, not to mention the regular questioning from Umbridge. After all, Emma had been on the list of DA members. She had been friendly with the Weasley twins, and continued to be on good terms with Harry Potter. Fred might have saved her from being beaten (which was the new thing, apparently), but she certainly hadn't been spared from scrutiny by not getting to see him off properly.
No letters came, not from the twins, not from Sirius, not from her family, although she knew no one was going to write to her, anyway.
The work was exhausting, but Emma knew that she had to add revision of her own if she had any hope of passing her N.E.W.T.s, which had to be her primary priority. They had to matter more than Fred, more than the war, more than her hatred of Umbridge and Fudge and her constant fear for Sirius's life.
"You worry too much," Tien sighed, tossing a Charms book at her. "You should just relax. It'll all be over soon enough."
"But that's just it!" Emma cried. "I don't want it to be over yet! I'm not ready for it to be over, Tien, because I have no idea what I want to do!"
"Well," Tien said thoughtfully, picking up the stacks of career brochures on Emma's beside and leafing through them, "how about this?"
She tossed the brochure to Emma, who picked it up, frowning.
Muggle Liaison.
"I'd have to work for the Ministry," Emma said pointedly, which was why she'd disregarded the job in the first place.
"Yes, but read the fine print, love," Tien urged. "You'd be working in Mr. Weasley's department. He'd be your boss!"
"Hmm," Emma murmured, getting a bit excited about the thought of working for Fred's father, possibly gathering information for the Order. "I'll think on it. Now, can we review the method for delivery of texture changes in Charms?"
"Do we have to?" her friend grumbled, but they managed to get through the entire fifth year of Charms notes by the time they went to bed that night, on top of the revisionary essay they'd had to do for McGonagall.
Emma made a personal note to quickly review her Muggle Studies notes, just in case.
The examiners arrived on Sunday at dinner, and Emma dropped her spoon into her soup, splashing herself and Katie in the process.
"Relax, dear," Katie said softly. "It's only some exams. You've taken dozens of exams."
But Katie didn't understand. She wasn't in her N.E.W.T. year, and she wouldn't be able to understand the anxiety that was plaguing Angelina and Emma and Alicia, and even Tien, until she reached her own Sunday before the exams.
"I'm going to fail everything," Angelina whispered as Katie wiped the soup off herself. "I just know I'm going to fail everything."
"Have you ever failed something before?" Emma asked nervously. "Any of you?"
The other three girls shook their heads. Sure, they'd failed a paper or two, had a particularly bad day in Snape's class, but none of them had actually failed a major exam, and certainly not a whole class.
"I almost failed History of Magic," Katie said thoughtfully. "My O.W.L., but I wouldn't have cared too much if I had. I wasn't planning to continue with it, anyway."
They all nodded again. Emma wondered what she would have done if she actually had failed her Potions O.W.L. as Snape kept hinting she would. She'd studied extra-hard to prove him wrong. It would have narrowed her field of career choices considerably, though, and would that really have been such a bad thing? She would have known what she should do a lot quicker, rather than spending so much of her time panicking about it.
"Well, let's just hope we don't fail anything we need," Angelina finally said. She sounded a bit more confident than when she'd been claiming she would fail everything, which they knew perfectly well she wouldn't do.
"What do you think you'll need?" Emma asked curiously.
"For Quidditch?" Katie asked, laughing. "She just needs to pass something and she'll be fine!"
"What about you?" Angelina asked as the laughter died down a bit, turning to Emma as she grabbed a roll. "What do you think you'll need?"
"I... I don't know," Emma muttered, not entirely honestly. "Maybe... maybe Muggle Studies."
Tien laughed almost hysterically, knowing that she'd been exactly right about what Emma ought to do for a career. Angelina and Katie exchanged confused looks.
"Isn't it sort of a given that you'll get an Outstanding on that, though?" Katie asked. "I mean, you're Muggleborn, after all. That's got to count for something."
"Something, yes," Emma agreed. "But not an automatic Outstanding. Just because I was raised in it doesn't mean I'm an expert. I mean, you're not an expert on the wizarding world, are you?"
"No, I suppose you're right about that," Angelina teased. "What do you expect you'll be doing, Tien?"
"I've already got a gig," Tien said with a shrug. "My employers wish to remain anonymous at present, but I've got a job whether I fail everything or not."
Emma wondered whether the twins had really said she had to keep it a secret, her working for them, or if Tien just preferred the mystery. It wouldn't surprise her.
She had a hard time sleeping that night, tossing and turning in her blue-and-bronze bedding, trying to think if there was something she'd forgotten to study.
The fifth years would do their written exams in the morning for each subject and practical exams in the afternoon. Seventh years would be doing the same subjects, but opposite, so Emma had her Charms practical first thing in the morning, just after breakfast. What if she forgot how to do the Charms asked of her? What if she forgot the incantations or did the wrong wand motion?
She began to panic in her bed and tears rolled down her face. Emma wanted Fred. Fred would understand why she was upset, because she herself wasn't entirely sure it had anything to do with Charms. Fred would comfort her and hold her and kiss her and tell her that everything was fine, everything was going to be fine, and she would believe him if only for that little brief slice of time. Fred wouldn't lie to her. If his words turned out to not be true, it would be because something had changed.
The tears were coming more forcefully and she noticed Tien crawling onto her bed through the small gap in the hangings. She couldn't read her best friend's face through the darkness, but she knew that Tien was there because she'd heard Emma crying.
"I'm fine," Emma lied. "Nightmare."
"Don't lie," Tien sighed, crawling under the covers with her, hugging Emma. "You're upset and anxious and it's because of the war and because Fred's gone and because we're going to be adults. We have to be responsible and we have to deal with the shit of the world that our elders haven't taken care of yet."
Like the war. Like Voldemort. Like Umbridge.
"It's not fair," Emma sniffled.
"You're damn right, it's not," Tien growled. "But we're going to rise to the challenge anyway, Emma. We're not going to let them win, are we?"
"N-no," Emma agreed. "No, we're not going to let them win. F-for Sirius and for the Potters and... and..."
"Right," Tien said. "Wait... Sirius?"
"Ah, yeah," Emma said, feeling a blush rise in her cheeks. "Sirius Black. He's innocent."
"Oh."
"Yeah, he was wrongfully imprisoned for twelve years and he broke out to kill Peter Pettigrew, who'd been hiding as a rat, and now Peter's with the Death Eaters. He helped Voldemort return. Sirius is in hiding his childhood home and sulking, mostly."
"Oh," Tien said. "Cool. We should send him chocolate or something."
And then Emma started to laugh so hysterically that Tien actually had to perform a Silencing Charm on her so as not to wake the other girls, but Emma kept laughing silently.
Suddenly, Emma felt like everything was really going to be okay, because if Tien could just accept it all and suggest something like giving chocolate to a famous, framed mass murderer, Emma could at least face N.E.W.T.s.
The next morning at breakfast, Emma felt like her stomach was angry at food. Everything she tried to force into her mouth felt terrible as she chewed (her food) and swallowed (both food and drink), and her stomach seemed to threaten to send everything back up merely to unnerve her. She'd not been half so ill when O.W.L.s happened.
But she'd had Fred then, she realized, making her smile and laugh through breakfast so that she hardly noticed her food or stomach or anything else but how good it felt to be around him. The ironic thing was that once she finally had Fred as her own, he wasn't there when she really needed him.
Emma finished with her so-called breakfast and followed Angelina and Tien into the line for the Charms practical.
Charms had always been one of Emma's subject, but her hands were shaking as she stood in line. What if she really did forget everything?
"Relax," Tien whispered in her ear. "You're going to be fine, Emma. Just remember how happy Fred will be when you get your N.E.W.T.s. You guys can celebrate..."
Emma gave Tien an annoyed look at the suggestion, but she did like the idea of celebrating in Fred's new flat...
"... and Norwick, Emma!"
She started, seeing that Angelina had already gone in and that several other students in her year were heading forward. Tien was pushing her into the classroom that had been chosen for the practical and Emma stepped forward, shaking even harder, making sure that she had her wand in her pocket as she was ushered toward an examiner.
When she met up with her friends again at lunch, Emma felt much better and Angelina and Tien were complaining about how they'd been unable to properly copy their chandeliers.
"There were just so many details!" Angelina whined. "How was anyone supposed to remember all of them at once?"
"I think I did all right, actually," Emma said with a shrug.
"Of course you did," Katie said comfortingly. "I'm sure you all did just fine. Written bit this afternoon, yeah?"
The three nodded, filling their plates with sandwiches and fruit.
Emma didn't feel sick anymore, and in fact rather enjoyed her ham sandwich and pear slices. Angelina, on the other hand, looked about ready to spit up her grapes any second. Thankfully, she didn't do any such thing.
"You're going to be fine," Katie assured them. "You know your stuff, yeah? You've all studied?"
The three nodded, and Katie blew Lee a kiss as he walked by. He blushed, walking into the end of the table as he gave her a jerking nod back.
"He's so silly," Katie sighed. "I'm going to miss teasing him. I'm going to go find Leanne, okay? You're going to be fine!"
Katie had taken to hanging out with a Gryffindor in her own year, Leanne, once Angelina and Emma got serious about N.E.W.T.s and the twins left the school. Emma was a bit jealous, but it was a reasonable thing, she told herself as she watched the tables in the Great Hall rearrange themselves for the written examination that would be taken in a matter of minutes.
"Hey, girls," Lee said, sitting down on top of one of the tables, the one Angelina and Emma and Tien were sitting at. "How's your day gone?"
Angelina grumbled, balling up a bit of her bread from the untouched part of her sandwich and tossing it at his head.
"That good, eh?" he muttered gloomily. "I can't say as mine's gone any better."
They all nodded glumly, waiting for the examiner to come in and administer their test. The fidgeting had begun around the room en masse. Emma had started shifting in her seat, and she actually felt pretty good about the theoretical part of the exam, especially after how well her practical had gone.
"I wish the twins were here," Lee said with a melancholy sigh. "They always alleviated stress for these things."
"Yeah," Tien said wistfully, "but increasing stress on someone else."
The all laughed uneasily, but it was the truth of it, Emma recalled wryly. Bulbadox powder in Towler's pajamas. It had been a good joke, except perhaps for the stress they'd caused poor Towler. But as far as the twins were concerned, the boy'd had it coming. Emma had never been able to quite put her finger on why, but then she recalled...
Two weeks before O.W.L.s, Towler had asked her out.
It had seemed unrelated before, inconsequential to his Bulbadoxed fate, but when Emma put it together with what Fred had said about being in love with her for years, it suddenly seemed like the most obvious and unfortunate thing in the world.
One thing to be said for Towler was that he had no sense of proper timing.
Emma settled in as the examiner walked into the room, taking a seat, pulling out her exam-approved ink and quill, and taking a deep, shaking breath. She was going to do just fine, she reminded herself. She knew everything she needed to know for the exam, and there was only a little while until she would be done with exams, done with school, and back with Fred. In the moment, that anxiety was much less than the looming one of dealing with her exam.
The exams were handed out to the waiting students. Emma took a deep breath, scanned the first page quickly as the announcement to begin was made and the clock began counting down the time she would have to finish the exam, but she was always quick with those sorts of things. She wouldn't need the whole time.
Another deep breath and Emma dipped the nib of her quill in the ink, steadying her hand over the parchment and reminding herself that it was just another exam, nothing scarier than usual.
Except that it could decide her entire life.
Deep breaths, Emma reminded herself, and so her exam began.