This chapter is super long!
Trigger warnings: mentions of non-con/substance abuse. May not be Blaine friendly. AU: this chapter diverges from canon. My take on how the car scene outside Scandals, and other events in The First Time (Glee 3:5) might have happened a little differently.
One of these day Kurt was going to change that really annoying alarm on his phone.
Then again that was the point. It was so annoying it got him out of bed every time
And he needed to get up early, because he had been too tired to lay out his clothes last night.
Kurt stood in his bathrobe in front of his closet. He picked out a casual outfit and a club outfit. The club outfit was simple: black skinny jeans and a snug lightweight dress shirt in a gorgeous shade of blue that brought out his eyes, with his hottest pair of designer dress shoes. He put the outfit in a garment bag along with pajama pants and an undershirt in case he slept over with Erin and Winston. Kurt dressed in a looser pair of blue jeans, his black skull tee shirt and a blue cardigan with matching blue sneakers. He packed a few cosmetic supplies, grabbed his wallet, keys and phone, and headed downstairs. On his way to the train, he stopped by the neighborhood coffee shop for a cup of coffee.
The hot coffee was soothing in the chilly morning, but by the time he got to his dad's hotel the caffeine was adding to his nerves about talking to Burt and Carole about how Blaine had been treating him.
Arriving at the hotel, he asked the gorgeous desk clerk to call his dad's room and tell him he was coming. "Go on up," the clerk said with a flirty tone. Geez, even at eight AM the hot guys in New York were already hitting on him. Too bad Kurt really wasn't in the mood right now.
When he got up to the seventh floor, Burt and Carole were walking out their hotel room door.
"Kurt!" said Burt, folding him in his arms. Kurt put down his bag to hug him back.
"You look good Dad!"
"You too kid."
"Good morning sweetheart," said Carole.
"Morning Carole," Kurt said. He hugged her tight.
"Going somewhere?" said Burt with a laugh, eyeing his bag.
"I'm going out with friends tonight and they live on campus. I'm not wearing this to a club," he said.
"Club?"
"Relax Dad. It's 18 plus night."
"Alright. Well anyway, Kurt, I know we said we'd eat downstairs, but the guy at the desk recommended a coffee shop right around the corner. Jake's. You know it?"
"Yeah, it's really good," said Kurt, remembering his hungover brunch date with Adam. The food was excellent. He didn't especially want to reminisce about the day he woke up in bed with Blaine and hurt Adam in the process, but it was a good restaurant that he wanted to go back to again, so he was going to need to get over that.
"You want to leave your bag here while we eat?"
"Perfect," said Kurt, dropping his bag inside the small, elegant room.
The elevator ride was quiet. They were all still waking up, but the cutie at the desk grinned at him as they headed out to walk to the coffee shop.
Jake's was as warm and sunny as ever and Kurt smiled as he settled into his chair.
"What do you recommend?" said Burt.
"YOU should be eating something healthy. Maybe an egg white omelette?" scolded Kurt. "But whatever you get, everything's good here."
They had just ordered coffee and started looking at the menu, when a girl Kurt recognized from the Apples walked up to their table. She wore a Mohawk and glasses and a black leather jacket, and she was also in his Shakespeare class.
"Kurt?"
"Hi!" he answered.
"I'm Nadia. I just wanted to tell you your scene in class was amazing. You're really talented."
Kurt beamed. "Thank you so much! Are you auditioning for A Midsummer Night's Dream?"
"Yeah, but I usually end up backstage doing tech stuff," she said.
"Either way I'm good," she said.
"Hi," she said, turning to Burt and Carole. "Are you Kurt's parents?"
"I'm his step mom and this is his dad," answered Carole with a friendly smile.
"Carole," she said holding out her hand to shake Nadia's.
"Burt," said his dad.
"Nice meeting you both. Take care Kurt!"
"You too Nadia. Have a great day," responded Kurt with a big smile.
"Told you they'd appreciate you here," said Burt with a pleased expression.
They made small talk and their breakfast came, and Kurt drank up the comfort of being with people who loved him, even if he was also anxious about their talk. At one point he let out an anxious sigh and Carole looked at him with a question on her face and reassurance in her eyes.
Kurt heard the doorbell ring and watched as Winston and Tommy walked in with a group of friends, and then the pair headed over to Kurt's table.
"Hey Kurt!" said Winston. Kurt stood up to hug him.
Kurt and Tommy exchanged hellos, and Tommy headed back to the table. Winston stayed and chatted for a bit and Kurt introduced him to Burt and Carole.
"I'll see you this afternoon," said Winston.
Burt raised his eyebrows after Winston walked away. Carole just beamed.
"Just a friend," said Kurt, sipping his coffee.
"That's not how he was looking at you," said Burt with a skeptical expression. "Come to think of it, neither was that other boy."
"Dad!"
"Well, it's nice to see you're making friends," said Burt with a twinkle in his eye.
Breakfast was delicious as usual. The check came and Burt took care of it, while Kurt smiled and waved at another one of the Apples at Winston and Tommy's table. A guy named Joey, who was sitting next Nadia, the Mohawk girl. He looked like a Joey anyway. Kurt didn't actually know his name.
By the time they had walked back to the hotel, Kurt was starting to feel a lot calmer.
"Come on in Kurt," Burt said before walking into the room and sitting down in a small easy chair.
"Do you want me to leave you two alone for a bit?" asked Carole.
"No, please stay," said Kurt. "I'd really like you to be here."
Carole kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed where she sat cross legged, leaning back against the headboard.
That left a love seat for Kurt, and he sat down too.
"So you wanted to talk to us."
"Yeah dad. This is hard for me," said Kurt.
His legs were crossed, his foot in the air, bouncing nervously.
"Where do I start.
There's some stuff I've been holding back from you that I really want you to know. I've tried dealing with it on my own, and that's not working for me.
Some of this is going to be hard for you to hear. I was actually so worried about your heart I called up Carole and asked whether I should do this or not."
"My heart is fine right now, and my doc even has me doing all this Eastern mindfulness and meditation stuff. It's a class they started at the hospital. Keeps me calm." Burt smiled.
"I'm as close to a Zen master right now as you're ever going to get."
"Okay." Kurt took a deep breath and let it out. "Well for starters, I don't know if you know why Blaine and I broke up. He cheated on me."
Burt face froze in an expression of disbelief and sadness.
"He showed up in New York one night last fall and surprised me with a big bouquet of roses. And he told me that he had slept with someone else."
The wrinkles on Burt's forehead deepened with a look of concern.
"And I said, it was Sebastian, wasn't it. You remember Sebastian."
Burt nodded. "That tall Dalton kid with the slushie?"
"Yeah." Kurt nodded. "Blaine said it wasn't Sebastian but he wouldn't tell me who it was. He said that doesn't matter. What matters is that you weren't there and I needed you."
Blaine had just begged me a few weeks before that to go to New York. He said I didn't belong in Lima anymore. He was so supportive and then when I went, he punished me by sleeping with someone else!"
"I'm so sorry Kurt," said Burt.
"It gets worse, Dad."
Kurt swallowed. He paused for a minute until he had the courage to go on with his story. A tear slipped down his cheek. He really didn't want to cry, but it was happening anyway.
"Will you please just listen until I'm done?"
Burt could only nod. His eyes never left Kurt's.
"One night when I was a senior, Blaine and I went to a gay bar. Sebastian got us fake ID's. And Sebastian asked us both to go, but it was obvious it was Blaine he really wanted.
Odds are by the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals Trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron, and that gay face.
And I thought, what chance do I have against a guy like Sebastian? Rich and gorgeous and...why would Blaine want me when he could have him?
Blaine very politely said no, but I was so scared he was going to cheat on me with Sebastian, and I felt so alone and... I just couldn't lose Blaine. So to prove I was cool or adventurous or whatever, I agreed to go with them."
Burt opened his mouth to say something and Kurt held up his hand in a gesture to stop him.
"I didn't drink. I was driving. But Blaine got drunk. And he..."
Kurt took a deep breath and looked down at his hands.
"And when we were leaving, Blaine pushed me into the backseat of the car."
Burt took a sharp breath in but Kurt plunged ahead, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at his dad's face.
"He held me down, by my arms. In the back seat. He was on top of me. He kept trying to kiss me and his breath smelled like beer.
And he kept saying come on Kurt, it'll be fun Kurt, let's be spontaneous...he wanted me to have sex with him right there in the car in the parking lot and we never had, we had never done anything at that point except kiss each other...
And I kept saying No, Blaine, over and over, and Stop it. He was scaring me.
There was an ice scraper sitting on the backseat of my car, and when he held me down, he pushed me down so hard that it cut me. The corner of it hit me at just the wrong angle. Right here," said Kurt, laying the palm of his hand on the seat of his pants, on the upper part of his left butt cheek.
It cut me right through my jeans, it ripped them, and it really hurt, and I started crying and yelling at him."
More tears were coming now. Kurt looked around for some tissues and Carole had already found some and was pressing them into his hand.
"So this whole time I'm trying to push him off," continued Kurt as he wiped his eyes. "And then I was finally able to get one arm free and I hit him right in the face. And then he finally got off me."
The dam opened and Kurt started sobbing. His breaths were coming in gasps.
Burt walked over to the love seat, where he sat next to his son and pulled him into his arms and held him tight.
"I've got you," his dad murmured softly as Kurt shook in his arms. "I've got you. I've got you," Burt repeated over and over like a mantra.
Burt's throat moved as he swallowed hard and his eyes were glassy as he held his son in his arms.
Kurt let himself be wrapped up in his dad's love, and let go completely. The keening sound of his crying filled the room.
When Kurt was ready to talk again, he patted his dad's back a couple times. He looked over his dad's shoulder at Carole who was crying quietly. "Love you," she mouthed with a hand to her heart.
Burt drew back, and moved to sit next to Kurt, taking his hand. Burt's pale blue eyes looked absolutely devastated.
"You okay?" Burt asked gently.
Kurt nodded and went on with his story.
"So I hit him, and that got him to get off me. And we both got out of the car, and he yelled at me. He said You Bitch! and then he said I'm sorry if I'm trying to be spontaneous and fun!"
Kurt imitated Blaine's hurtful, sarcastic tone right down to the drunken slur in his voice.
Burt's eyes were angry.
"And then he left. He just walked away and said he was walking home. And I was calling after him. I was just standing there.
I watched him walk away, and just when I couldn't see him anymore, a friend of mine came out of the bar and found me."
Kurt paused.
"A friend?" said Burt, noticing Kurt's hesitation.
"Dad don't get upset. You can't tell anyone. It was Dave Karofsky."
Burt looked horrified.
"Did he hurt you?" Burt demanded.
"No, no Dad. No. He was so nice. He helped me. We've been friends ever since he was in the hospital last winter."
Burt nodded. "Okay. Go on."
"I was bleeding and he got the bouncer to come out and help me. They got me inside and helped me clean up and then Dave drove me to to a clinic they told us about nearby.
I had a few stitches," Kurt said, looking down at his lap. He looked ashamed.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Burt asked, his voice breaking. "You were hurt so badly you needed stitches and you didn't tell me? "
"I'm so sorry dad. I couldn't. I was so ashamed. And I didn't want to upset you, with your heart. And I had a show the next night and I didn't want to risk getting grounded if you knew I had used a fake ID to get into a bar.
But mostly I was just so embarrassed and so hurt. Because I was losing him. You don't know what it's like. I just love him so much and I was losing him and I didn't want to go back to how lonely I was before I met Blaine."
"So you were at this gay bar you didn't really want to be at, to keep Sebastian from stealing your boyfriend?" said Burt.
"Exactly. Sebastian was hitting on Blaine constantly and he loved it. Sebastian made fun of me right in front of him and Blaine didn't say a word."
Oh hey Kurt, I didn't recognize you. You're wearing boy clothes for once.
"And I know Blaine was talking to him on the phone behind my back."
Blaine told me this morning. I just called for a tip on how to get red wine out of my blazer piping, and Blaine would not stop going on about it.
"One time Sebastian said something in front of a bunch of us at the Lima Bean about a phone conversation he'd had with Blaine."
Kurt's beautiful eyes were hurt and angry.
"You should have seen Blaine's face dad, he looked so fucking guilty. Sorry Carole."
She shook her head with a small smile.
"I just felt so alone," Kurt said, letting go of his dad's hand. And then he paused.
"Your turn Dad."
"I don't know what to say," Burt began.
"I am so sorry you felt like you couldn't come to me. I understand, I remember being 17 or 18 and I certainly didn't tell my parents everything. But I wish you could have talked to me.
When did all of this happen?"
"It was the fall of senior year, the week we did West Side Story," said Kurt. It was the night before opening night. You remember. You saw the show when we opened, the night after all this happened.
Remember I was kind of limping around and you asked me if I was okay? And I just brushed it off like it was no big deal."
"Blaine was really off that night!" said Burt, with a surprised look on his face as he put the pieces together in his memory.
"That kid is usually so polished when he performs, but he kept messing up his lines, and screwing up his dance steps that night. And you were great, you always are Kurt," said Burt.
Kurt smiled a little.
"But yeah, you moved like it was hard for you to walk, like you were in pain," Burt remembered.
"So you made up that story about getting hurt at a dance rehearsal for the show, huh?"
"Dad, Artie didn't give Officer Krupke any dance moves in that show."
"Well shit," answered Burt.
"So anyway," Kurt continued, "Yeah, Blaine was really hungover on opening night, and he kept screwing up. The next night he was amazing. But I wasn't speaking to him then."
"Really?"
"We almost broke up dad. I was so hurt by how he treated me. After the show on opening night, we all went out to Breadstix, the whole cast and crew. I didn't sit with Blaine at the restaurant. I didn't even talk to him. He kept trying to apologize."
I'm so sorry Kurt. You mean everything to me. What can I do? How can I make it better?
"I even left early, just to get away from him. And I didn't talk to him for about a week."
"Is that why he kept sending you flowers that week? I thought you had..."
Burt hesitated.
"What?" asked Kurt.
"I..."
"Dad. Please tell me."
"I thought you guys had...I thought you had slept with Blaine for the first time, and I thought he was sending you those flowers because..."
His dad was blushing.
"I thought he was all...in love with you or something, and you know I love you the just way you are, but you're my little BOY and I just...didn't want to think about the reason your boyfriend was suddenly sending you all those flowers!"
Kurt's eyes grew wide.
"Oh Dad. No. I couldn't even look at him then."
"Then?"
"Can I talk about sex?" Kurt blurted out, his cheeks flaming red, looking at his dad, and then Carole. "Is that going to bother you guys?"
"Go ahead," Burt managed.
"Of course you can," said Carole, more calmly than her husband.
Kurt nodded.
"We did sleep together a few weeks later, after we made up." Kurt said softly, looking away from them. "I have no regrets about that."
"Okay," Burt nodded. "He treat you right?" he asked gruffly.
"Yeah Dad," Kurt answered. "By then, Blaine had apologized to me so many times. Once he sobered up and realized he had hurt me, he was horrified that I had to get stitches because of him."
What can I do Kurt? It's killing me that I hurt you. I'll do anything. I promise, I will never hurt you again as long as I live. Let me make it up to you. I'm so sorry.
"So I forgave him."
Kurt took in a deep breath.
"I even apologized for not wanting to have sex with him in the car."
I'm sorry too. I wanted to be your gay bar superstar, but try as I might, I'm still just a silly romantic.
"WHAT!?" yelled Burt.
"Burt," Carole said, her eyes warning him.
Burt closed his eyes, and very intentionally took a few deep, even breaths.
"I'm sorry. I'm really trying to stay calm here. Go ahead, Kurt."
Kurt sighed. His eyes were glistening. "I told him I was sorry. What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all, said Carole fiercely. "You are a wonderful person!"
"Damn right," said Burt.
Carole continued.
"And it sounds like Sebastian was really scaring you, and Blaine was doing nothing to reassure you about that."
Kurt looking up at Carole in surprise. "That's right. That's exactly right.
I'm going to tell you guys something else. I never thought I'd be discussing my romantic fantasies with my dad but right now I really need to. I want to show you something on my bucket list."
Kurt reached for his phone and started scrolling through it. He didn't see Burt's eyes getting bigger and bigger, or the way Carole warned Burt sternly with her eyes.
Finally Kurt found that entry on his bucket list and read it out loud.
"Have relations on a dewy meadow of lilac with Taylor Lautner, before he gets fat."
"I know Dad. Don't say a word. It's stupid, but it was personal, and I had trusted Blaine with it.
And do you know what he said when he grabbed me and I said no? He said
I know you wanted to do it in a field of lilacs with Sting playing and all that, but who cares where we are?
He made fun of me dad. I loved him and he was teasing me."
Kurt's voice broke.
"I mean honestly Dad? That hurt more than anything else. More than scaring me or holding me down, more than calling me a bitch, more than dancing with Sebastian for hours, more than all of that.
I shared something so personal with him and he just threw it in my face like it was a joke. Like what I wanted was a joke to him."
"That little bastard," said Burt quietly.
"I know." Kurt was on a roll now and it all started pouring out. "So this is the part that's really embarrassing. Please promise you won't judge me.
I hooked up with him at Mr. Shue's wedding."
"You mean the one that never happened?" said Burt.
"Right. God, this is just mortifying. You're going to hate me. I got drunk, and I woke up in bed with Blaine the next morning, and I don't even remember what happened."
Burt opened his mouth in surprise, and then shut it in a tight line.
"Don't say anything. I am so ashamed. You can't possibly hate me more than I hate myself. I was just starting to get over him and move on, and it was so stupid."
"I don't hate you," said Burt.
Kurt sighed.
"So a few days later I'm in a bathroom on campus, and I see this pamphlet." Kurt pulled it out and handed it to his dad.
Burt's eyes got bigger and bigger as he read the questions about deciding if your partner was emotionally or physically abuse.
"And I thought about my scar, and the way Blaine sometimes treated me. And I realized I could answer yes to 6 or 7 of those questions.
And I thought about the bruises on my arms, that I found the day after I was with Blaine at the wedding, and I can't remember how I got them."
Kurt took off his cardigan. Since he was wearing his skull t shirt, it was easy to show Burt and Carole the pale yellow finger tip bruises on his arms.
"They're almost gone now," said Kurt.
"I'm thinking about calling the number on the pamphlet. I want to know what you two think about that."
Kurt leaned back, uncrossed his legs, and waited for his dad to speak.
"I'm still trying to understand," said Burt.
"It's a lot to take in. I am really concerned that you blacked out when you were drinking. I've told you before that you have some relatives who are alcoholics, Kurt. Both of your mom's brothers."
"I know," said Kurt. There were reasons they didn't talk to his mom's relatives very often. Besides being heavy drinkers, they were also pretty toxic people. How someone as sweet as his mom had come out of that poisonous family was a mystery.
"So if you do go talk to someone, you might want to bring up your family history. Because if alcohol makes you make bad decisions, whether it's hooking up with your cheating ex, or puking on your guidance counselor in the middle of the school day...Don't think I don't remember that phone call!...That's something you might want to think about."
"That's...wow. I never thought about that Dad."
"In fact, when I met Blaine, " Burt remembered, "He was waking up with a hangover in your room. Maybe he has a problem with alcohol too."
"And I am so sorry I brought Blaine up for Christmas. I was weak and vulnerable and...
I don't want to scare you Kurt. The doctors say my odds of beating this thing are excellent. Prostate cancer is very treatable, with a very high success rate.
But on Christmas I was thinking about how one day I'd be gone and wishing there was some way I could know that you'd have someone to take care of you if something happened to me. And Blaine just...now that I think about it, he played right into that."
"What do you mean?" Kurt asked cautiously.
"Well..." Burt was looking up, and off to one side, like he was trying to remember something.
"Do you remember that time when I told you Blaine came by the garage to convince me to talk to you about sex?"
"How could I forget," said Kurt.
Burt looked at Carole and then back to Kurt. "I can tell Carole, right?"
Kurt nodded.
Burt turned to his wife.
"So this kid I had met once for five minutes...hungover in my kid's bed...sorry Kurt, but it's the truth...comes into the garage and starts telling me that my kid refused to talk to him about sex and that it was my responsibility to have The Talk with him to keep him safe. He had a good point, but he just barged into my shop, and started talking about it where anyone could hear. It was weird.
That's what Christmas was like, Kurt. Blaine came over to the house one day, and he told me he was so worried about you."
And then Burt remembered something else.
"Wait a minute. He never said he cheated on you. He said the distance was too much for you. He made it sound like the whole thing was your idea! He said you guys were just on a break."
"Oh no Dad. He cheated on me because I wouldn't take his call at work. I had been calling him a lot from work. I could have gotten fired! And then he said it was my fault!"
What matters is that I was by myself. I needed you. I needed you around and you weren't there.
"Wow." Burt shook his head. "No wonder you looked so sad on Christmas."
"Well," said Kurt quietly, "yeah, I was sad that you surprised me with Blaine. A little. But I was also sad...much more sad...because you had just told me you had cancer."
"Yeah, I know.
But Blaine also told me you were really lonely and homesick. He made it sound like we were the only ones who could cheer you up. He even tried to get me to convince you to take him back, but I wasn't having any of that. I figured that was between the two of you.
I believed him when he gave me the impression that you were just taking a little break. That it was nothing serious.
I was making a lot of assumptions at Christmas that I had no right to make."
"What do you mean?" asked Kurt.
"I thought you guys just had a little fight. Do you remember when you were getting ready to leave for New York and you were putting color-coded stickers on all your stuff, and you didn't want to take that prom picture with you? You said you and Blaine were having problems.
But you two were fine again soon after that.
So at Christmas I was thinking that you two would be back on track any day. Because he lied to me about his cheating. I feel like such a fool. He used me. I loved him like a son and he used me."
"I know dad," Kurt said. "I loved him too," he said, his voice catching.
"You loved him then, or you love him now?"
Kurt let out a sigh.
"My life would be so much easier if I didn't love him.
I mean sometimes he is so sweet and kind. But sometimes he's just a mess."
Burt nodded, listening.
"Oh I didn't tell you the best part," Kurt said sarcastically.
"So the wedding was Saturday night. And the next night, Sunday night, we talked on the phone when I got back to New York. And Blaine was all excited, and he was thanking me for taking him back.
But I never said anything like that. Or if I did I was drunk and I don't remember it. It's certainly not what I wanted.
And then he had another call coming in. And he screwed up his call waiting and he thought he was talking to Sebastian but he was actually talking to me.
And he's all I got us a hotel room Seb, I found my fake ID, we're all set for next weekend..."
"You're kidding," said Burt.
"Totally serious. I told him I never wanted him to contact me again. I've ignored all his texts and messages since then."
"So let me get this straight," said Burt, looking angry,
"He's so happy you two are back together, and then in the next breath he's getting a hotel room with another guy?!"
"Pretty much," said Kurt
Burt just shook his head.
"I hear the words coming out of your mouth, but I just cannot believe it. This is not the Blaine I thought I knew."
"I know," said Kurt. He felt so relieved that he was being understood at last.
"It's like he's two different people or something. It's so confusing!" said Kurt.
Kurt turned to his stepmother. "Carole, what do you think?"
"What a story," said Carole.
"I think you're incredibly brave and I'm really honored that you included me today."
"I actually called Carole first," Kurt told his dad. "I asked her if she thought your heart could handle hearing about all this. I couldn't stand it if I ever did something that made you have a setback."
Burt let out a sigh. "Kurt. Do you remember that time when you were wearing flannel and singing Mellencamp because you thought it would make me happy, even though it was killing you?"
"Don't do that. Don't hurt yourself because you think it will make my life better, Kurt. 'Cause it never will."
"But I did it because I love you dad. Back then I was pretending to be straight because I thought it would make you love me more. This time I was doing it to keep you safe.
Not just your heart, but I know you love Blaine too." Kurt's voice broke. "I never wanted to hurt you, Dad."
Burt sighed.
"I'm not as fragile as you think, kid.
Look son. We are all gonna get our hearts broken in this world, whether it's by death, or illness, or some other kind of trouble. It's gonna happen over and over, just like the sky is gonna be blue and the sun is gonna keep coming up every morning.
You can't do anything to stop your heart from getting broken, or mine, or anyone else's. You just have to find the good things in your life and hold onto them as hard as you can. That's what I meant at Christmas, when I said you've got to hold the people you love close to you.
I never meant for you to hold onto someone who hurts you and dishonors you the way Blaine has. I thought he was good to you. Now I know better. He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve the incredible gift of how much you love him."
"Doesn't make me love him any less," said Kurt sadly.
"I know buddy. Believe me."
They both looked at Carole to get her input.
"I think getting help is a very good idea," she said. "You've been carrying around way more weight than anyone should be asked to, let alone a teenager. If you find someone that can help you lay down your load and unpack it, that's very important.
There are support groups for everything you know. People who love alcoholics, if you think Blaine might be one. Kids whose partners are violent. We even started a special group at the hospital, for gay kids in troubled relationships. Maybe you can find something like that."
"Good idea," said Burt. "You know Kurt you're living your own life now, and that's as it should be. I get that. I didn't talk to my parents about my love life when I was your age.
But at the same time, I never would have brought Blaine up here on Christmas if I had known what was going on."
"I'm sorry," said Kurt.
"It's your life," Burt insisted. "Who you date in college is none of my business unless you want it to be."
Kurt suddenly thought of Adam, and he couldn't help but smile.
Burt looked at him with a small smile of his own.
"You're wondering why I'm smiling," said Kurt.
Burt didn't say a word, but his eyes were merry.
"It's just...I met this really nice guy who likes me. We're really close. I just hope I don't screw it up because I'm all mixed up about Blaine."
"That guy Winston?" asked Burt.
Kurt shook his head. "No. I told you dad, Winston is just a friend.
His name is Adam. He's the leader of a show choir I just joined. He's handsome and funny and he's so sweet. He's a senior and he's 22. He's British."
Kurt scrolled through his phone until he found a picture of Adam and handed the phone to Carole.
"Ooh. Handsome!" said Carole.
"Let me see that," said Burt.
"And you're a catch, Kurt," said Carole. "He'd be lucky to have you."
"I don't know about that," said Kurt quietly.
"You are honey. You're kind and handsome and talented and you're so smart. And you're hilarious. Any guy would be lucky to have you."
"He really does seem to like me," said Kurt, his disbelief obvious on his face.
"Don't sound so surprised Kurt," said Burt. "Carole's right. You're a catch." Burt's eyes were playful.
"Dad!"
"Senior, huh?" Burt said with a smirk that pretended to be menacing.
"DAD!"
"All right! All right!" said Burt putting his hands up.
"What happens when he graduates?" asked Carole gently.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, is he going back home to England or staying in New York? Is here on a student visa or what?"
"Oh my God. I have no idea." Kurt looked surprised.
"Sounds like he means something to you," said Burt, noticing the look on Kurt's face.
"He does," Kurt answered immediately. "But it's all really new. He can see other people if he wants to and so can I.
I really can't start something serious when I'm so messed up about everything. But he's probably my best friend. "
"Not Rachel?" says Burt with a twinkle in his eye.
"Dad, you know I love that girl but she drives me insane."
Burt chuckled.
Kurt leaned on his dad's shoulder and closed his eyes.
"Does she know about all of this?" asked Burt.
"No Dad. No one does. I told Adam some of it. He's a really good listener. I see you beaming at me, Carole. You can stop that right now," Kurt said, smirking.
Carole grinned even wider.
"But I didn't tell him everything. No one else knows about the scar except David and Blaine."
"Karofsky you mean?"
"Yeah Dad. I kind of buried it all. I tried not to even think about it."
"Can I say something?" asked Carole.
Kurt nodded, still snuggling on his Dad's shoulder.
"Kurt, I told you on the phone, I want to be there for you no matter what time of day it is.
Before you came to New York, my life was so incredibly stressful. It's no excuse, but between working at the hospital and taking care of your dad when he was sick, and making sure the shop didn't go under, I didn't even have a moment to breathe. But that is no excuse for the way we let you down.
"You didn't let me down! How can you let me down when I kept everything a secret!"
"I know buddy," said Burt, "but I think what Carole is saying is that we both feel like we let you down.
I try not to worry you but the cancer has been so stressful and when Blaine offered to travel with me, I was grateful. I'm really struggling here. I feel terrible. I trusted him completely."
"You had no reason not to," said Kurt.
"When I was working in the emergency room, I couldn't say this, but I'll say it now." Carole went on. "I will never ignore one of your calls. I don't care if it it's three o'clock in the morning. I don't care what I'm doing.
I've taken a leave of absence from my job as a nurse, so I can travel with your dad and help support him in his political career, and the causes he's working on. He's working on things I believe in too. The importance of the arts in public schools. Marriage equality.
When I was a single mom I worked long, hard hours for years and years, and I feel like I've earned the right to do what I want for a change.
On Christmas when your dad came up here, I was working. Nurses don't get holidays off. But that won't happen again.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. And you are my family, Kurt. You and Finn and your dad."
"Thank you," Kurt said quietly.
"I may know a little bit about what you're going through. Finn's father was a wonderful man and I loved him very much. I never want to speak badly of someone who risked his life to serve our country. But living with a veteran and coping with Post Traumatic Stress and drug addiction isn't fun.
Sometimes you love someone so much that you're blind to how much they're hurting you until they're gone.
And then you wonder why you couldn't see it."
"But Blaine's not that bad!" Kurt said. "He's not an addict or suffering from PTSD!"
"Maybe not. Although from what you tell me he may have a problem with alcohol. But just because my situation may have been worse, that doesn't mean you don't deserve my understanding.
And there are gifts even in the worst of situations, Kurt. I know you have very fond memories of Blaine. I know you had a lot of happy times too, along with the pain."
Kurt looked down and nodded.
"No one can ever take those good memories away from you.
And I know it's hard to believe, but one day, it won't hurt anymore.
I see so many gifts in my life from Finn's dad. Finn for one. And if it weren't for Finn I never would have met your dad. Or you, Kurt. And you are so special to me."
Kurt let out a long breath.
"And I just want to say again that I am so sorry I brought Blaine up for Christmas," added Burt. "I always thought Blaine was such a gentleman. Always so polite. Too polite sometimes if you ask me."
"Not always, Dad"
"Yeah, I see that now."
"One more thing Kurt," said Burt. "I want you to go to a doctor and get that cut checked out."
"But that was over a year ago!" Kurt protested.
"I don't care. That is the one thing I am going to insist on. You were a minor and you got medical care without my legal consent and I need to know that you're okay. That it healed okay."
Kurt got an idea.
"What if I show it to Carole?"
Burt looked surprised. "If it's okay with her," he said. "What do you think?" he asked his wife.
"That's fine with me, Kurt. As long as you agree to see a doctor if I think you should."
"That's fine," said Kurt.
I'm going to do this really fast so I don't think about how weird it is that I'm showing my step mother my butt, thought Kurt.
And he turned around, unzipping his jeans and pushing them and his underwear down a little in the back, just enough to show a prominent scar, a jagged line on the upper part of his left butt cheek, a few inches below one of the two matching dimples on his lower back.
"Well, it's not the prettiest suturing job I've ever seen. But it looks like it healed well. Did it ever get red or swollen when you got home?"
"No," said Kurt. "They gave me a handout. Instructions for how to take care of the wound. And they made me promise to get help if anything went wrong." He pulled his clothes back up and zipped his jeans, and turned back around.
Kurt swallowed hard.
"I pretended Dad wasn't answering the phone, so they gave me the stitches anyway since I was bleeding a lot. They also said that if he contacted them they would have to tell him what happened."
"I made the mistake of thinking you didn't need me anymore," said Burt. "Because you moved to New York, and because you're so strong. That ends today."
"What do you mean?" said Kurt.
"I mean I want to talk to you more often. Not to tell you what to do, but to make sure you know I have your back."
"So you're not mad that I did something illegal?"
"Sneaking into a bar with a fake ID? Of course I'm mad! But what's done is done. I don't have to tell you how stupid that was. So many things could have gone wrong.
But it's not like I never did dumb things when I was young."
Carole choked on a laugh.
"Oh, like you were a perfect little angel?" he said to her with a smirk.
"Dad!"
"Burt!"
"Sorry," said Burt with a grin that was clearly not sorry.
"I am going to change the subject right now," said Carole with a laugh. "Kurt, is there anything else you want to say?"
"Just one thing. I don't want to define myself by someone again. I don't want to lose what makes me me. That's the kind of thing I want to talk to the counselor about."
"That's a very wise and mature thing to say Kurt," said Carole. "There are plenty of adults that never figure that out."
"I love you guys," said Kurt.
"I love you too Kurt," said his dad.
"Me too," said Carole.
"Just don't get used to me sharing everything like this," says Kurt with a small smile. "This has been utterly humiliating. But I really needed to get it all out and tell you the truth."
"Okay, I really am done now," said Kurt. "Completely done."
"Okay," said Carole. "I just have one more comment.
Liking Taylor Lautner is not stupid."
Kurt cracked up laughing.
"Thank you!"
"Seriously," said Carole. "I mean Pattinson has his charms, but come on!"
"Wait a minute," said Burt. "Is this about that vampire movie?"
"Duh," said Carole.
"So am I supposed to be jealous of the vampire or the werewolf?" said Burt.
Kurt and Carole looked at each other. "The werewolf," they said in unison.
And they both laughed.
"Ah honey, they've got nothing on you," said Carole.
"Flatterer," replied her husband.
"But seriously Kurt," said Carole, "if we're done talking, I have a surprise for you."
Kurt looked puzzled.
"I booked the hotel's spa services for you. A massage therapist will come to the room to give you a massage, if you want it. And you can get a facial or a manicure or anything else you want. This is on me," she said.
"But why?"
"Because you have had way too much stress lately. You work so hard and you deserve a treat."
"You really don't have to do that," said Kurt.
"I'm not taking no for an answer. Well if you really don't want it, I'll send them away, but don't say no out of some kind of pride or something."
Kurt thought for a minute.
He really had been stressed out lately.
"Alright," he said. "I accept. And thank you."
"Great!" said Carole, handing Kurt a pamphlet. "Here is a list of everything they offer."
"I need some kind of treatment for my puffy eyes after all this crying," Kurt admitted.
"Anything you want," said Carole gently. "And when you're done, we can get room service to deliver our lunch."
"I need to go after that," said Kurt. "And you guys have your benefit to get ready for."
Later, after Burt and Carole had left the room for a swim in the hotel pool so that Kurt could enjoy his massage in private, the couple returned to their room.
They unlocked the door, and found Kurt asleep on their bed, his hair wet from a shower, wearing a big fluffy white robe and a peaceful expression. Kurt mumbled in his sleep a little when they tiptoed in and quietly shut the door, but he didn't wake up.
Carole and Burt sat on the love seat together and talked very quietly, giving Kurt a chance to sleep a little longer.
"I am turned upside down right now," said Burt. "I can't believe Blaine attacked Kurt, and that Karofsky kid was the one who got him to the hospital!"
"It's so hard to wrap my head around," agreed Carole.
"Having Blaine around the house made me feel like a little piece of Kurt was still there," said Burt.
"I know," nodded Carole sadly.
"And I can't believe how mature he's being about the whole thing," said Burt.
"He's incredible," Carole agreed. "That whole thing about not wanting to lose what makes him an individual in his next relationship? He could teach most adults a thing or two."
"Yeah," agreed Burt.
"Maybe this 22 year old guy is actually too young for him," Carole quipped.
"You're terrible. How could you?" said Burt, pretending to be hurt.
Kurt stirred then and opened his eyes.
"Good morning kiddo. How do you feel?" asked Burt.
"Tired. Relaxed," Kurt answered. "I'm going to get dressed now." Kurt went into the bathroom to put on his clothes and blow dry his hair.
Before long they were enjoying their lunch while talking about lighter subjects, including Kurt's classes, his upcoming audition for A Midsummer Night's Dream, and the legislation Burt was working on, with Carole's support.
Soon lunch was over, and Burt insisted on putting Kurt in a cab to NYADA even though it was only a few blocks away.
Sitting in the taxi, Kurt decided he was going to start talking to his dad more often. It wasn't healthy to be depending on Adam so much, so soon after meeting him. Kurt's dad loved him, and Carole was a much bigger support to him than he ever realized. She was a beautiful person and very wise about things.
Sometimes, Kurt thought, you can have two different feelings at the same time.
Like being grateful for Carole, but also feeling an ache in his heart every time he saw her, because she would always be a reminder that his mom was gone.
Or like loving Blaine, whether he deserved it or not, while maybe, just maybe, starting to love Adam too.