FINALLY! Another update! Sorry that this one's taken so long guys! I finished most of this chapter weeks ago, but then about three quarters of the way through, I got writers block and had no inspiration for the rest of the chapter. But thank you to my beautiful, beautiful free periods at school I can spend a lot more time writing! Anyway, thank you to everyone that reviewed the last chapter and double thanks to everyone that guessed! All will be revealed soon!
Hope you enjoy the chapter :)
Chapter 11 – Tipping Point
Rikki's POV
Things had been so rough for me these last 7 weeks, and no-one knew how much so.
No-one knew the emotional toll and the inner guilt that wracked me and no-one knew what it felt like.
The girls had been there for me in the beginning, offering themselves up whenever I'd needed them (which wasn't often), but after a few weeks they moved on and slowly began to forget. They didn't have the fresh, deep scar that was left inside of them that was always there for the time being, not just when things were unbearably bad, and it likely always would be there, marking the memory of numb heartbreak that I'd never had to experience so deeply before in my life.
Like with everything and anything in life, I had my good days and bad days and I'd found some things that worked for me on the in-between days. I had ways I could manage, keep a good cover, but inside it hurt. It hurt like hell. The numb; the loneliness; and the guilt that I'd betrayed him when he'd needed me most.
It had been 52 days since my Dad passed away and 53 days since I'd last spoken to him.
The day before he'd died, we'd been arguing about the most pointless and minor thing in the world that I can't even remember what is was now... Probably something to do with chores around the house, pulling my weight, or something like that. I believe that I had claimed to have done whatever I had to do and that I had cleaned the certain things that I'd needed to clean (as we split whatever had needed to be done), but whether I'd actually done them or whether Dad was right in insisting that I hadn't, I can't remember. The whole fight and lead up to the fight was just a numb, dimly lit memory in my mind, which I was being kept very much in the dark of. Anyway, to the point, we had been fighting and like with most of our fights, neither of us would back down being the stubborn pig-heads we were.
I was so, so angry with myself and I was killing myself on the inside with the 'what if's'. What if we'd never fought that day? Had that stressed him out? What if I'd stayed home and just sulked in my room instead of spending the night out, only out of spite? Could I of saved him? Why the hell hadn't I swallowed my selfish stubbornness?
He'd died of a heart attack in the kitchen area of our trailer. The ambos didn't even know exactly how long he'd been dead for before I came home to find his motion-less, pulse-less and life-less body lying there in the middle of the floor.
I didn't cry at all that day. I didn't cry from the shock of finding my father lying there dead. I didn't cry when I had to officially identify his body at the morgue, marking the last time that I would ever be seeing him in the flesh. I didn't cry at his funeral when everyone was meant to be saying their final goodbyes, feeling closure and remembering the good and the bad of his shortened life. I didn't cry one single tear.
I was in shock the entire time, and the only effect his death had on me for a week was the inability to breathe normally, having short, gasping breaths. I wasn't asthmatic, but that's what it was like. I couldn't breathe and it wasn't something that Ventolin and a puffer could fix for me.
The first time I had cried was 8 days after his death, 3 days after the funeral when I accidently knocked a plate off the bench and it broke, smashing into 5 decent sized pieces. It wasn't like there was porcelain everywhere or that it had cut me, nothing like that, but it just triggered everything. I fell apart. Once I'd started crying, I couldn't stop and before I consciously knew it, I was screaming everything out that I'd bottled up inside of me since my dad's death. I spent the rest of the night crying, helplessly crawling up into a lonely ball, sobbing myself to sleep until my cries were dry and tearless.
Let me just make it clear that I'm not an emotional basket case like I was that day anymore. That extreme tipping point of sadness only lasted about 12 hours until things started piecing together again and I swallowed that much-needed 'spoonful of cement'. Every now and then when I was particularly stressed or emotional things got on top of me and I just had to step back and take a breather, but I was managing.
Thank goodness that I'm used to being an independent person or else I believe that I would've been hit a lot harder. I dealt with the loneliness that some people may find hard to handle, like not having someone to greet me and ask how my day was when I got home from work, but I found the hardest thing was coming home to the trailer house that I'd shared with my father, making meals and standing where his lifeless body had been found, not to mention having an entire room filled with his worldly possessions and the memories that came with those items. That's why I moved out in the first place and that is why I had been looking for a new place to live when I'd come to check out the Bachelor Pad... coming across Zane & Will also. The desperation of finding somewhere to live was why I'd accepted Zane's offer, or plea when I'd walked off as soon as I saw their faces at the house which had initially been concealed by the other side of the door.
Even though sorting through my dad's room was a task that I'd deemed unbearable and impossible (I hired a cleaner when I moved out of the trailer to go through and chuck out all of his personal belongings and requested that the furniture should be given to a charity organization), I couldn't even work up the courage to go through his personal belongings that had been on him or in his clothes at the time which I'd been given by the morgue a few days after the coroner's inquest was completed. I knew and expected what was going to be in there –his wallet, phone, maybe a loose business card or screw- but I just couldn't bring myself to go through that brown paper bag that was lying in the back of my wardrobe. It was so stupid and I'd begged and pleaded with myself mentally so many times to just do it, get it over and done with and move on, but it was too hard.
Today though, I planned to change that. I had the house to myself, Will was out job-hunting and Zane was catching up with a different friend who lived interstate but was back here for a holiday, and I didn't expect either of them to come home any time soon so it was the rare and perfect opportunity for me to do it. I had to let go of it, face it and move on.
Taking a deep breath, I got up and made my way to my room upstairs, taking another deep breath before I opened the wardrobe door, not even realizing that I'd needed so much oxygen. Grabbing the brown bag from the back of the wardrobe where it had been hidden away, I noticed my skin starting to feel clammy and sweat started to form on my forehead and on the skin under my neck that was hidden by my hair.
After a minute or so of just sitting and holding it, I carelessly ripped into the bag, figuring I should just treat it like I would if I was taking off a bandaid. Get it over with quickly. The first thing I saw was a screwdriver. I had no idea how that could've been in his pocket… unless he'd been holding it, but it nonetheless obviously had. The next thing was his wallet, clean and pressed tightly together, moulded slightly by the constant pressure from his jean pockets. I didn't open the wallet to check what cards or how much money there was in there, I wanted to keep it the exact way it had been the last time my Dad had put it back into his pocket for the last time. Then the last thing left in the bag was a few coins of spare change, totaling about 70 cents of value. I smiled slightly, but sadly, noting that even though his wallet and those coins had been so close, he hadn't bothered to put them in with his other coins. That was the typical thing sort of that my Dad would do.
That was it. That was all. Those mere, futile objects had been so hard for me to face and it was a constant mental burden that I kept on putting off and putting off, but it was all done now.
Maybe it was a 'closing of the book', 'end of an era' sort of sadness, I couldn't distinguish it but I knew it was there. I felt so sad and numb and I had no control over the welling up of tears that refused to fall and leave my eyes.
That was when things got brilliant. Just brilliant. It was one of those corny, more-than-a-coincidence timing's when I'd cursed myself mentally as Zane walked past my door, looking in at my open room momentarily on his way past. Seconds laterm, when I thought he was gone, he reversed backwards, looking puzzled inside my open bedroom where I was sitting on my bed, facing the door and hoping like hell to not look too upset.
"Rikki? What's up? Why are you crying?" he asked, inviting himself in to my room and walking over to my bed but remaining standing as he towered over me.
"Nothing. It's none of your business," I stated frankly, managing to disguise the sadness in my voice with annoyance.
"Oh…" he said slowly, as he sat down next to me but keeping at least a good 30 centimeters of space between us.
"It's okay, Rikki. We're all here for you, you'll be okay" he said reassuringly but I had no idea why.
I momentarily considered that he'd known or somehow found out about my dad, but I dismissed that thought, realizing that I hadn't even talked to Cleo or Bella about it in weeks, so I just looked at him puzzled and bewildered which he obviously took as a sign to continue talking. He awkwardly patted my shoulder, much reminding of the 'pat yourself on the back' sort of praise that was drilled into kindergarteners and primary school children. However, in Zane's case, the pat was a lot more solemn than a 'well done!'.
"You don't have to raise a baby on your own, Rikki. All your friends and family are here for you too" he said seriously, while I, on the other hand, nearly choked.
Zane thought I was pregnant.
I felt sick from amusement with the hilarious situation that I'd found myself in, but quickly made the split second decision to keep the charade up. He always was a know-it-all and thought he knew everything and this was an opportunity far too perfect to refuse and put to waste. It was practically handed to me on a silver platter and all I had to do was pull out my rusty drama and acting skills.
"How do you know?" I whispered softly in response.
"Will found the test in your bag when he was getting your rent money" he said, continuing to speak softly and calmly, but I on the other hand had to bite my tongue and stop myself from bursting out in a laughing fit. He was so serious and sensible!
Before speaking, I made sure I bit my lip to prevent any laughter escaping accidently. "Oh…"
"Yeah…" he said awkwardly, before pausing and asking another question. "So who's the father? Do I know the guy?"
I nodded, and witnessed his eyebrow prick up in curiosity as a scowl started to form on his lips. "Who is it?"
I let out a sigh, trying to sound sad and serious. "Buzz Light-Year, Zane. I'm having Buzz's baby."
He rolled his eyes, obviously annoyed. "Don't joke Rikki. It's not exactly a joking matter."
"I'm not laughing" I commented, adding the "yet" inaudibly and under my breath.
He looked over to me seriously again, "So who is it then?"
"I told you. Buzz" I said, smirking while Zane on the other hand sighed with frustration.
"Be serious."
I bit my lip, clamping down on the smile that was starting to linger on my lips. "I am."
"Rikki…" he said, sounding like a threat was to follow after it, but the only thing that followed was another question. "Wait are you even pregnant, Rikki?"
I shrugged. "Well according to you I am."
Watching as his face appeared to transform from shock, to a smile, to annoyance and then back to shock again pushed me over the edge and I started laughing hysterically, awkwardly howling like a hyena.
Once I'd calmed down, Zane had evolved to just shaking his head with a bit of a smirk. "You are cruel…"
Shrugging again, I smiled. "Thanks for cheering me up at least!"
"But wait a minute, if it's not for you, then who's it for?" he asked as his smirk faded from his face slightly.
There's no way I'd tell that to Zane. First of all, she'd murder me and second of all, I think he expected that he wouldn't be finding out anyway. "Well it's definitely not for me, you can know that much, but the rest is for me to know Zane. Mind your own business."
He nodded, not looking that interested, proving my point as he changed the subject. "So if that wasn't what was wrong, then what was wrong?"
Raising an eyebrow, I looked over at him a lot calmer after my laughing fit, but not exactly planning to spill my guts out to Zane any time soon. "That's something else for me to know, Mr Know-It-All."
He shrugged his shoulders simply. "Well you know if you don't tell me I might let my imagination run wild again... I might think that you're crying alone because of a terminal illness that you're hiding... OR even better; maybe you're crying beacuse Nate rejected you. I'm sure you'd cry over that!"
Taking a deep breath, I decided to try something, but not because I was talking to Zane, not because I'd been thinking about it and not that I needed someone to know and be 'there for me', I just said it for me and for my sake. They always say that saying your worst fears out aloud can help you rationalize them, right? Surely that works for pain too…
"My dad's dead" I stated simply, exhaling and trying to sense if I felt any better about it…. Nope.
Catching a glance of Zane's shocked look, I instantly regretted just blurting it out… and why Zane? Why couldn't I of decided to blurt in front of a random at the supermarket or something? Anyone. The last thing that I wanted was another issue for the boys to tip-toe around me with and another reason for them to treat me like a precious, fragile China doll.
"I'm so sorry Rikki. When did that happen? Are you okay?" he asked with the sort of concern and care I didn't need, nor want. So I left.
Getting up and walking off, I cursed myself for being so bold and trying that, mentally noting not to do it again.
#
When I left, I went for a walk around the block, ducking into the deli and just walked around the shop for like 5 minutes pointlessly (annoying the shop keeper I think), especially considering I had no money on me, so I left there too and took the longer way home, passing a little park and a basketball court that even despite living in the general area for 5 years, I had never known existed before today.
Eventually getting home as the sun was setting, I saw Will's car parked out front now, obviously symbolizing the fact he was now home too.
As I walked inside, I was kind of surprised by the scene I had walked into. Bizarre was an understatement. Will was standing and balancing on the end of the stairs handle, waving his arms around to balance his tall, lanky frame from at least a metre above the ground, while ducking his head slightly to obviously avoid ploughing a hole through the roof. Walking through to the living area, I witnessed Zane jump over the coffee table from one couch to the other, before balancing himself and trying to extend his leg over to the foot-stool that was probably just over two metres away from his spot on the couch.
"What are you dags doing?" I asked, sitting down at the table and watching the two who were intently focused on their balance and calculating the distance between one object to the next.
"Trying to see if we can make it from one side of the room to the other without touching the floor" Zane stated, before taking a quick running start from one end of the couch to the next and jumping off, flying straight past the stool which his foot only brushed by before he stacked it, falling straight onto the tiles with an amusing face-plant.
"Oooh" I grimaced with a smile, enjoying watching the two being idiots. "Hey at least your foot touched the stool Zane… as for the rest of your body though…"
Zane got up with a frown, ignoring my comment as Will pounced down from the banister, throwing his arms up over his head in the air, screaming his victory. "I WIN! Suck on that Bennett boy!"
Zane frowned, turning away from him, silent and pouting, evident that he was in a bad mood and likely was suffering from a sore ego. Will walked over to him, starting to joke around and tease Zane over his win, while Zane's head was hanging down towards the floor, probably in shame, as he tried to avoid his friend who followed him through to the kitchen where he grabbed a can out of the fridge, still having not said a word since his losing-fall.
Getting up and walking out of the room, laughing a little as Will continued to mock and tease, I was going to go upstairs and edit a couple of photos for another folio I was working on at the moment, but was stopped when Zane bounded past me and grabbed my arm, to stop me just as I was about to walk upstairs.
"What do you want?" I asked slightly annoyed at him… and still annoyed with myself considering my poor judgment over who I had blurted out to.
"I haven't told Will about your dad by the way" he said, his grasp still on my arm, which I nudged away.
I crossed my arms, turning around to face him. "I was expecting you and your blabber mouth would…"
"Hey, I'm full of surprises, Rikki…" he smirked egoistically, which has obviously healed back quickly since his loss against Will, earning himself a scoffed eye roll from me.
"Honestly, Zane, I couldn't care less who knows, but I don't want you to tip-toe around me. Treat me like you would as if I was any other friend."
Scratching his chin, Zane nodded. "Treat you like any of my other friend, hey? I can arrange to get you chocolates, a deepest sympathy Hallmark card, some pretty flowers and a sad movie we can watch together then, I guess."
I looked at him cynically, slightly weirded out and he added to his spiel. "Joke."
"Seriously, Zane. I just want to be treated like an equal. Like I'm just one of the boys too… Can you do that for me?" I asked, informing him of my wishes.
"You sure?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow and looking at me for assurance.
With that, I nodded definitively. "Yes, Zane, I'm sure."
"Alright… bro" he added awkwardly, as I burst out laughing. "Bro? Do you and Will seriously call each other 'bro'?"
He shook his head. "Not really. We've got more of a mate or man kind of thing going on." I nodded in acknowledgement.
"So…" Zane said awkwardly in-between the mist of silence that had filled the room since he last spoke. "No chance of a group hug?"
I laughed, figuring that he wasn't serious. "You've got to be kidding me, Zane. So much for the 'treating me like any other friend' idea!
He shrugged with a smirk. "What would you know? For all you know, Will and I could hug all the time…"
"But you don't" I stated simply and to the point, feeling determined to not give Zane any satisfaction over his excuses.
"Hey you'd be surprised!" he laughed as I rolled my eyes at him, ignoring him and yelling out to the kitchen from where I was standing. "Oi Will, come out here."
I heard a loud groan, followed by the sound of footsteps as he walked in the room and over to us, questioning me grumpily. "What do you want?"
"Yes or no question; Do you and Zane hug frequently?"
He looked at me with confusion momentarily before quickly answering back. "What? No! Eww, I've never hugged him before in my life!"
Awkwardly scratching his chin, Zane grimaced. "Uh sorry mate, but you have…"
"What? When? No I haven't" he frowned, strongly disagreeing with Zane.
"You have. You'd been out drinking one night and when you got home, I was still up. I have no idea who you thought I was but you were mumbling all sorts of stuff and then you hugged me… it was awkward" he said with a slow, regretful nod and an evident cringe.
Smirking in amusement, I got even more of a kick from Zane's confession after I noticed Will's cheeks changing colour that appeared to be undecided between going a beetroot purple or tomato red colour. He turned away from us quickly, looking towards the door that anyone who'd just walked into the room would've thought that he was really interested about.
"So what's for dinner? Indian or Chinese?" he asked as he changed the subject and still looking at the inanimate door.
"Chinese" I stated quickly, but about .2 seconds after Zane had chosen the opposite option of Indian.
We looked at each other silently, neither of us wanting to cave in, but wondering who would be the first to at least try to come to a mutual agreement.
"Oh come on, Rikki… I really feel like Indian tonight."
I shook my head, stating my case for Chinese and deciding to try and mock Zane at the same time. "Oh come on, Zane… I really feel like Chinese tonight. Besides I'm 'eating for two', right?"
Will's head flung around from his gaze of forced interest at the door. "So you are pregnant, Rikki?" he asked quickly and I would've sworn I'd seen an inkling of happiness in the guy's face - I wasn't happy.
"No; well, unless you ask Zane."
His face dropped a little as he turned back to the door. "Just make a decision over Chinese or Indian then."
"Please Rikki! We had Chinese a few nights ago!" he asked in a whiny, begging manner.
"Yeah, and we had Indian last night!"
He shrugged. "So?"
"So I don't think too much Indian is good for the baby. Mother knows best" I smirked.
He rolled his eyes. "You're never gonna let me live this down now, are you?"
I laughed. "Probably not. Face it, Zane. You've given me an opportunity that's way too good to pass up."
"Not fair…"
I shrugged. "Life isn't fair, Zane."
Briefly patting him on the back as I got up and started walking away, I looked back over my shoulder at the two boys. "And we're having Chinese" I informed them, making sure it was non-negotiable, before I walked out of the room with a smirk.
So, another chapter from me; now it's your turn to let me know what you thought about it. I hope there wasn't too many mistakes through the chapter... I wanted to get this up so badly, that I'm editing this half-asleep, sick. Not a good combination! So I'm hoping it wasn't too unbearable.
Next chapter:
# After her friends discover her abusive relationship, Bella downwards spiral begins with shame and embarrassment.
# Through Bella, a hidden secret of Zane's past is revealed, coming back to haunt him.
I've nearly finished the next chapter, so I'll try getting that one up as soon as possible too...