RPOV

"You're flyin' high at the show, I'm feelin' hot to the touch
You say you'll miss me the most, I say I'll miss you so much
But something keeps me really quiet, I'm alive I'm a-lush
Your love, your love, your love"

–Lana Del Rey, "West Coast"

A month. It's been a month since my heart stopped beating, and he's just fine.

Last night I had a nightmare. It was about Emmett and Tanya Denali. I was pleading with him to come back, stay with me. I was crying heavily, barely breathing. He laughed at me and told me he loved Tanya. He went on and on talking about what he loves about her. It broke my heart all over again to hear him move on, do the things we used to do together, and replace me with Tanya.

However, when I listened closely to what he was saying, he loved her for the same reasons he loved me. I felt insignificant and at the same time hopeful. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe he does still love me. Maybe it's just my mind playing cruel tricks on me.

Relief did not come with consciousness.

. . .

The love that I had-have-for Emmett is much like gravity. There's absolutely no reason for me to love him. There was no reason for us to be as close as we were. There was always something that pushed us together, the glue that held the pieces together. Whether it was fate or pure luck I'll never know.

Gravity pushes on everyone; it's what keeps us grounded. I think gravity is what pushed me and Emmett together. We were just organisms floating freely in the universe before we met. There was nothing to keep us grounded until one day, one fine day, gravity came and pushed us together. Suddenly we were grounded.

He was my rock and I was his. After four years, I'm still grounded to him. We may not be together, but I can still feel gravity holding me to him. There is no rhyme or reason for me to want him. He's selfish, insecure, insensitive, and distant. Despite what everyone says, the memories we shared is not what keeps me here. The memories aren't fooling me into romanticising him. Gravity is planting me firmly to him because without his simple existence, I would be uselessly floating through life. I have no reason to exist without him. As desperate and pathetic as it sounds, it's the truth.

. . .

My parents don't want me anymore. The day after Emmett broke up with me, my parents sat me down and had a talk with me. They agreed to let me live in the house until I turn eighteen next year, but I have to pay rent. "Your free ride is just about to come to an end," my dad told me. "Life isn't free. You're an expense that is costing us greatly. Your poor mother can't go tanning anymore because we have to pay for you. It's about time you learn how much a life costs."

Not only did I have to pay rent, I also was not allowed to eat dinner with my parents, I can't use the kitchen or bathroom, and I can't watch TV with my parents anymore. "With the money you make at your minimum wage job, you wouldn't be able to afford anything more than your bedroom. You should be grateful to us. We're teaching you a lesson now before you move out on your own. You won't have us to take care of you, and you most certainly won't have us to entertain you. Get used to being lonely now rather than later, right?" my mother reasoned. "We're being responsible, gracious parents."

"I also don't want you home at the same time as your mother and I. Your mother and I need some alone time. I think we deserved it after putting up with you all these years," my father said firmly, giving me the no nonsense look. "We'll let you keep your car as long as you pay for gas and insurance. That's something you'll need to know when you leave." My mother nodded her head in agreement.

"We're doing you a favor by separating you from our lives. It will be easier for you to leave next year," my mother tried reasoning with me.

"You don't have to pretend or try to reason with me," I said. "I know you want to pretend like I never happened. I know you never wanted me. That's why there's never been any family pictures hanging around the house, why I wasn't allowed to hold mom's hand while crossing the street, why you didn't show up to my eighth grade graduation, why you never hung up pictures I drew for you on the fridge. I'm used to it. I know I'm a disappointment." I got up and started to go to my room. My mother had the gall to look hurt by my harsh words, while my father's face turned red with anger.

"You listen here, Rosalie. It's true, you were a mistake," my father's words made me stop and listen with my back towards him. "You ruined my youth, but that's not the reason why you're a disappointment to your mother and I. You're a disappointment because all you do is give us a headache. You've been on this earth for sixteen years, and this May you'll be seventeen. What do you have to show for it? You've done nothing with your life. You've lived a meaningless life, and you'll continue to live a meaningless life. You don't think that hurts your mother and I? We've accepted you'll never amount to anything, and we want you out of our lives before you have the chance to hurt us again. We've given up on you." His words cut me open like a knife.

My mother began to cry. "We've tried to help you, honey, but you don't want our help. We've never been enough for you. I can't handle any more pain caused by my own daughter." I slowly started walking up the stairs to my room, calmly closing the door behind me. I threw myself on my bed and cried silent tears. I was in complete shock. I knew they hated me, but I never thought they would take it to this extreme. What was most frightening and shocking is that I still want their approval and love.

All of those years trying to gain their approval have been for nothing. I lost. They don't even want me around them anymore. How can I possibly gain their approval if I can't be with my parents? I want my mom to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I want my dad to threaten any boy who comes to take his daughter out on a date. I want parents that you find on a family sitcom.

. . .

I knew I couldn't tell my friends about any of this. They can't know I'm struggling to survive. My perfect world façade will be shattered. My friends already have enough on their plates. Bella's mom was a cheating whore who is now dead and Charlie is a worthless drunk, refusing to pick up the pieces. Edward's parents don't give a damn about him or Alice. All they care about is their careers. They won't even live with their own children. Alice is naïve and kept in the dark. She wouldn't know what to do. Jasper's dad is in the navy, and his mom is busy working herself to the bone as a nurse at the hospital. Emmett was the only person I told about the degree of neglect in my house. He's the only one who knows my life isn't perfect. He was my rock, and now he's gone.

I see my friends moving on all around me. They are constantly growing in life, love, and school. I want to reach out and tell them everything, but I can't. I can't bring myself to complicate their lives further. Things are looking up for everyone, and I've never felt more alone and left behind. This constant depression makes it hard for me to go on. All I want to do is open my mouth and ask for help, but nothing ever comes out.

All this time I've been surviving but never living.