Chapter 5: The Legend Of Equus And Epona
The afternoon had passed relatively quietly, the small matters of getting the Shetland delegation housed in the Hotel Ponyville, and of preparations for the welcoming banquet, notwithstanding.
Ponyville's Town Hall had been done up to the elevens by Rarity, with thistle images and plenty of ribbons woven into tartan-like patterns. The Shetlanders, most of whom could identify them on sight, politely ignored the fact that most of said patterns didn't exist in reality.
Their attention, as they entered, had been taken up by the large wagon in the middle of the floor. Shortly thereafter, everypony found out where Pinkie Pie had got to, as the machinery (and the Laughter Incarnate waiting inside) literally exploded into her Welcome Song.
Fortunately the welcomees didn't take her surprise as an assault. Maybe her silly little dance helped.
"I've never seen ponies go through night cider so fast," Applejack said to Twilight around an enthusiastically shovelling Applebloom, "Good thing I had a word with Single Malt."
Twilight just nodded. She'd wondered why delivery ponies had been queued up behind his store. She took a swig from her own mug of day cider - she had no head for drink, and couldn't afford to let the home side down.
The noise level was rising as the number of kegs diminished, and several of the visiting lads struck up a song.
Ah was up tae me plot in t' muck, Sir,
Wi' a peat contract down in t' bog
When me shovel it struck something hard, Sir,
That Ah thought were a rock or a log
T'was a box of the finest old oak, Sir,
T'was a foot long, an' four inches wide
An' not giving a damn fae t' Fairies
Ah took a quick shufti inside
Next to her Mayor Mare was talking to the Laird, discussing politics as played in the Shetlands. "So nopony can directly nominate themselves?" she asked in surprise. The chorus swelled up at that point and drowned her out.
Now Ah opened the lid o' this box, Sir,
An' Ah swear that mah story is true
T'was an ancient an' old Shetland condom
A relic o' Laird Harvest Moon
Sweetie Belle and Applebloom suddenly found their sister's forehooves clapped to their ears, while those worthies glared daggers at the oblivious singers.
T'was an ancient an' old Shetland condom
Three hooves long, an' made of Muc hide,
Wi' a little gold tag on it's end, Sir,
Wi' his name, rank, an' stud fee inscribed
"Sorry?" the Laird asked, leaning over. Mayor Mare repeated her query.
"Tha's right!" Roanald had swapped his yoke for a long tartan scarf which wrapped around his neck, then down one shoulder and under his barrel before rising to be once again wrapped around his flanks. The plumed tam-o-shanter stayed, however.
"Nay pony can blow his own pipes for t' Lairdship," the shaggy roan winked, "Not directly, any road." The assembled drunken choir had no such compunction about blowing their own pipes, however.
Now, Ah cast me mind back thru the ages
Tae the days o' that horny old goat
Wi' his wife lyin' by on t' bed, Sir,
As he stood by t' fire in his coat
An' Ah thought that I heard Harvest whisper
As he stood in t' fire's rosy light
"Well, you've had yer own way long enough, dear...
'Tis the hairy side outside, tonight!"
The song mercifully ended in a burst of laughter and clapping. Rarity and Applejack scowled, then cautiously removed their hooves from their little sisters' ears.
"What was that for?" Sweetie Belle turned around to look up at her big sister.
"That song was disgusting," Rarity shuddered, still glowering at the singers, "and it wasn't meant for foals' ears."
"So what's a condom?" Applebloom asked, at almost exactly the time Applejack decided that young fillies like her should really be in bed at this hour. Rarity agreed this was a very sensible decision and the two of them made their excuses before escorting a brace of protesting foals homeward.
"Directly?" Mayore Mare looked confused. "What do... oh!"
"Ye're a smart lass. Tha's right, there be a mile of favour-tradin' an' chummin' up tae convince yer fellow Thanes tae speak for thee, while they want ye tae speak for them, an' och, round an' round everypony goes..." the Laird shook his head. "But in t' end it all comes doon tae a secret ballot. Ah well! At least I won't be about for t' next one."
Soothecup, his wife, shook her golden head and laughed. "Aye, it was absolute bedlam! Every day some young stud bringin' wee gifties or offers of..." she gazed down the table where their sons sat guard over the budding mare that was their sister. "But ah drew t' line when they offered marriage contracts."
Twilight shook her head at that. Treating marriage as a political tool? That was something out of those really trashy historical romances that she only kept in the library because ponies might take them out and that she would never read even late at night when nopony could see honest!
Still... she looked down the table at the Laird's foals. The filly Winterberry – really, almost a mare – was almost identical to her dam, save that Soothecup's eyes were a soft grey and Winterberry's were a vibrant ruby. She seemed to glow like snow and gold between the darker pelts of her younger brothers.
Rianblade was a brown, bulky pony with a mane the colour of his sire's coat. Ice-blue eyes continually scanned the assembly as if looking for threats. He reminded Twilight of the Royal Guard.
Amhránaílore was much the same colour coat, but he had his dam's eyes and mane. His scrutiny of the hall, when he bothered to look up, was more relaxed. His slender frame suggested a life of the mind.
"Aye," Roanald's voice jolted Twilight out of her reverie, "Ah swore tae Equus and Epona that Ah wouldnae use mah filly in such a way. An' at t' Council I let 'em ken that any swine who tried wouldnae win my favour... then or ever."
"Equus and Epona?" a young voice piped up from beside Twilight's couch. Spike looked up from the half-eaten gemstone he was consuming. "Why'd you swear at them?"
Twilight and Mayor Mare cringed, but the Laird and his wife just burst out laughing. "Ah didnae swear at 'em, Ah swore tae 'em, laddie!"
"Huh?" Spike looked confused and irritated as Roanald's meaning flew over his head, hitting the wall with a plop. "Why?"
"So, t' wee dragon wants tae hear the auld tale?" Soothecup looked amused. "Do they nae ken such lore t' pass ontae their foals?"
Twilight shuffled hooves uncomfortably at the veiled rebuke. "Uh... I'm more interested in the practical aspects of magic, than... ancient legends," she mumbled uncomfortably.
"An' yet yon Elements o' Harmony were thought t' be legend, an' here they are 'round ye necks," the Laird's wife sounded amused. Twilight just blushed with embarrassment.
"Still, 'tis a tale oft told, an' well loved by our kin," the mare looked down again at Spike. "So set ye comfy an' listen tae t' story o' our forebears."
As she spoke, to Twilight's surprise, the Shetlanders gradually stopped their singing and boasting and gluttony, as a wave of silence and attention swept the hall. All eyes and ears were on the Laird's wife as she spoke, her voice slipping into an ritualistic cadence.
"Before t' beginnin' o' t' world, before e'en tae beginnin' o' time itsael', nothin' existed, nothin' but Chaos and Shadows.
"An' yon Chaos was formless an' e'er-changin', and ye Shadows were lost an' wi'out place nor direction. There were nae ground t' stand on, nae sun or moon, nae sky in which tae spread wings; nae water tae drink, nae e'en sweet grass tae eat.
"An' there were Two, who saw t' Chaos an' t' Shadows, an' they spoke tae each other, an' agreed that this couldnae stand.
"An' so they gave themsael's shapes, wi' eyes that looked afore 'em, an' strong legs an' hooves for runnin', an' so they began tae gallop."
Twilight frowned. That was the trouble with creation myths. They just didn't make sense! If there was no time, how could anypony know what had gone before, or even know they were ponies at...
She looked up in surprise. Almost every Shetlander was softly drumming their hooves in a slow tempo, accompanied by a soft chant punctuated by snorting. As though they were running.
"An' they galloped, an' galloped, an' soon when the Two looked behind 'em, lo!" Soothecup recited, "They were nae more in t' place they had been, an' so Space was made.
"An' still they galloped, an' their hooves found purchase, an' found it again, an' in their runnin' Earth were brought intae bein'.
"An' as they ran, their hooves dug intae t' Earth, an' kicked it intae high heaps, an' they became Mountains, and dug great holes, an' they became Valleys, an' the sweat poured off their flanks, an' it fell tae t' ground an' became Water an' Lakes an' Rivers an' Seas.
"An' still they galloped! Fae now they saw summat different, summat that showed 'em tae Earth they ran on, an' so they beat with their wings an' put on a mighty spurt, so hard that t' Earth spun beneath 'em, so that they were borne backward from whate'er they were chasin', an' they became tired, an' had tae rest, an' so Time began."
The Shetlanders slowed their chanting and hoof-drumming as Soothecup's voice slowed down as well.
"An' the Two were breathin' hard, in an' out, an' when they breathed out, out came the Air, an' it became t' Sky.
"An' they looked ahead, at where t' different thing waited, an' they cried in frustration as t' spinnin' Earth bore them backwards, an' stamped their hooves upon tae ground so hard, it caught Fire!"
Almost everypony jumped as the Shetlanders punctuated this with a mighty thump of hooves.
"An' they were amazed, for in t' Fire's light, they truly saw t' Earth fae the first time, but they also saw that t' Fire was burnin' t' Earth they had made, an' they wouldnae have that!
So they tried tae kick it awa', but t' Fire just landed in another spot and continued to burn t' Earth, an' in their anger t' Two found a new power, an' it grew out o' their haids and left Horns, an' it seized t' Fire an' flung it high intae t' Sky! An' so was t' first Magic done.
"An' as it were thrown, it broke intae pieces, an' t' largest became t' Sun, and the next largest t' Moon, an' all t' rest o' the wee bits became Stars, an' they cast their Light upon t' Earth, an' t' Two finally looked upon each other.
"An' they saw their Mouths, with which they had first spoken tae each other, an' their Ears, with which they had heard each other, an' they saw each other's Eyes, in each other's Haids.
"An' they saw their Horns, an' their Hooves on their Laigs; they nosed each other's Manes and Tails an' Wings, an' wondered at their Noses, an' they asked themsael's, What are we?
"An' they puzzled o'er that, an' stamped their hooves an' flicked their tails an' flapped their wings, an' realised that not only they needed Names, but all t' things they had brought into bein' needed them too. For unless ye know who an' what ye are, ye are nothin'.
"So they named t' Earth an' t' Waters, they named t' Sky an' t' Sun an' Moon an' Stars, an' finally they named themsael's.
"An' t' Name they gave themsael's both was Alicorn, an' they were content for a wee while, but soon they realised that Alicorn though they be, they were not t' same bein', fae one was a Mare and the other a Stallion, an' needed their own names.
"An' so they spake tae each other, an' t' Mare said, I am Epona. An' t' Stallion spoke, sayin' I am Equus, an' they were happy, for now they knew who they were, an' they rested as t' Earth rolled beneath the Sky, an' t' Sun was replaced by t' Moon, an' thus t' first Day ended, an' Equus an' Epona slept through t' first Night."
Laird Roanald poured some water into his wife's cup and offered it to her in an oddly reverent manner. She accepted it gracefully, wet her whistle, then resumed. Twilight closed her eyes. Was there no end to this windy myth? All these ands, ands, ands were too much!
"An' in t' first true Morning, Equus an' Epona woke, an' they named what they had done, and knew Waking and Sleep, and were refreshed.
"An' they explored the Earth, which was still all so new and bare, and they saw different things in the Earth, an' they named the many types of Rock, and Dirt, and Gems, an' played and chased each other through Caves and o'er Mountains and across Streams, an' finally Epona spread her Wings and discovered Flight, an' Equus joined her in t' Sky, an' in their joining t' first seeds o' life were scattered across the Earth, an' became tall Trees with sweet Fruit, an' lush green Grasses, an' all t' Plants o' t' world."
Twilight blinked, then fought to suppress a blush when she realised what 'joining' meant. Of course there had to be sex in a creation myth!
"An' Equus an' Epona marvelled at this, an' they alighted on t' Earth, an' discovered that t' grasses an' fruit were good tae eat, an' so they discovered Food, an' afterwards they tasted t' Water, an' found it good Drink.
"An' so they spent their days explorin' t' Earth an' Namin' its Plants, an' Epona became great with foal, an' soon Epona begat three foals.
"An' one had nay wings, but only a horn, an' they named him Unicorn; an' one had nay horn, only wings, an' they named him Pegasus; an' one had nay horn or wing, an' they named her Pony.
An' so Equus an' Epona raised their three foals, an' lo! Pegasus discovered he had power o'er t' Sky, an' could affect when it rained an' when it blew. An' lo! Unicorn discovered he had power o'er Magic, an' could bend it tae his will an' work wonders. An' lo! Pony discovered she had power o'er the Earth, an' could bid Plants tae grow or not as she saw fit. An' these were t' first Titans of Equus an' Epona.
An' so Time passed, an' they wandered t' Earth an' flew in t' Sky an' brought Plants tae all the World. An' the Titans o' t' Ponies matured, an' they saw that they were adult an' beautiful..."
Twilight bit her lip to avoid groaning. Her tutors and study had confirmed that no matter how outlandish the creation myth, sooner or later the taboos of rape and incest got involved.
"...An' so Unicorn an' Pegasus covered Pony, an' she foaled all t' Titans of t' Animals, which walked t' Earth, an' t' Birds who soared intae t' Sky, an' Fish that swam tae all t' waters o' t' World.
Oh sweet Princesses, Twilight prayed, don't let her start...
To her dismay, Soothecup chanted through a laundry list of incestuous covering, as Titans and even Epona and Equus basically covered each other and quite a few inanimate objects as well, producing every living thing (and quite a few nonliving) that existed in Equestria.
"But t' fairest o' all were those who resembled t' first Sire and Dam, an' t' first Titans Three, for they were t' first true Ponies an' Unicorns an' Pegasi, t' first tae behold t' World they had been gifted, an' so t' first Tribes gathered before their Sire an' Dam, an' they said –"
"YE WHO CALL YESAEL' LAIRD! AH CHALLENGE 'EE!"
ELEVENS, TO THE: Equestrian equivalent of 'to the nines'.
The oncoming fixture between the Ponyville Elementals and Shetland Visitors is proving to be a right pain. Ah well.