Chapter 8
Ezra's POV
Ezra didn't know why it bothered him so much that Aria was going out with another guy as he pushed himself to run faster, feeling the burn tear throughout his body. The gated community was a great place to go for a run. He needed to clear his mind. He had to stop thinking of Aria, but he couldn't. It wasn't like she was his. He couldn't tell her want to do. He couldn't tell her not to go out with this Kyle person. He wondered if she really liked this Kyle douche bag. Wondered if she liked Kyle more than him. What did this Kyle guy have that he didn't? He didn't know. Maybe he wasn't as fucked up as him. He wondered if he had approached Aria, or if Aria had approached him. He wondered why Aria accepted his offer to go on a date. Wondered if he had touched her, had held her hand. He even wondered if he had already kissed Aria. He didn't know why he cared. It wasn't like he could do anything about it. She was his step-sister, and he was her step-brother. Their parents were married. He was older. She was underage. And he had a girlfriend. Why should he care about someone guy asking her out? He should be glad that he didn't have to worry about hurting her, rejecting her, or her wanting to get to know him. He concluded that another guy asking her out was for the best, especially for her.
He knew that he wasn't good for her. He didn't treat her right. He had too many issues. He knew that it was better for her to look elsewhere. He knew that he had a lot of problems to work out. He wasn't happy with the direction his life was heading. It felt like he was about to re-enter into that dark place again. That period had been his darkest ever. He couldn't afford to go back there. He had never felt so low and felt such hatred for himself. He pushed himself again and again, willing his legs to go faster. He ignored the soreness that began to spread to different parts of his body. He stayed focused, not allowing signs of pain to distract him. He felt his heart pumping; felt the sweat dripping all over him as his shirt clung to his upper torso. He had to get through it, he had to complete this workout session. Working out was the only thing that kept him calm, kept his thoughts running freely. His eyes measured every house as he passed them, mapping out the structure of each house in his head. Once upon a time he had wanted to become an architect. He gave a dry laugh. That really had been a stupid dream. He didn't know what he wanted to be. He didn't know what his dreams were anymore. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. He just felt stuck in one place, unsure of where to go. He didn't know what he truly wanted. He didn't know if he could ever love himself, or anyone else for that matter. How could he love someone, when he didn't love himself? He was broken. He ran hands through his sweat matted hair, feeling something inside himself to run faster. To push harder.
Ezra thought that it was time for him to go back and visit his shrink. He had to talk to someone who understood him, someone who knew his history. Someone who knew his struggles. He had to get better. He didn't care what medications he had to take this time. He had to get rid of the feeling of thinking himself worthless and unlovable. He had tried so many pills in the past. He had struggled with alcohol, but never drugs. He'd never saw the appeal of that. The shit was dangerous. He had, had addictions with alcohol and with sex. He wasn't proud of it. He had come back from that hell hole. He couldn't go back. It had taken him so many ups and downs for him to be as stable as he was now. He wasn't completely healed yet. He knew that he was still on the path of recover. His parents didn't even know half of what he had been through, had seen and experienced. His past was ugly. How could he expose someone as pure as Aria to something like that? She wouldn't understand. He didn't need her to understand. He didn't need anyone. He thought it was for the best that he father didn't keep the alcohol where he could easily find it. Every day he itched for a taste of alcohol. He wanted to feel the hard liquor trickle down his throat, to feel the burning sensation engulf his insides.
He hadn't seen Stephanie since that time he had left her apartment. He hadn't even been back to LA lately. He hadn't even call Stephanie. He had avoided her calls to him. He was an idiot. He didn't deserve her either. Stephanie was a wonderful girlfriend. She was also very sexy and beautiful and kind-hearted. She didn't deserve his mistreatment. He just didn't know if he could be in a relationship with her anymore. It had nothing to do with his attraction to Aria. He had to fix himself. He was so happy when the home came into view, slowing down his pace as he ventured up the driveway. He could feel himself tiring out. He was out of breath as he tried desperately to take in gulps of air. He opened the front door and went inside, the air coming out of the cooling system feeling good against his feverish skin as he made his way upstairs. He ran a cold shower, collected his items from out his bedroom, and then he headed back into the bathroom. The water felt so good as it trickled down his flesh, washing away the sweat, dirt, and the exhaustion he felt. He was so unhappy with himself. It wasn't that he enjoyed being an asshole. His hands roamed down his hard body, feeling the self-inflicted scars on his chest and abdomen. They were ugly and very old, long and jagged. It was an unattractive sight. He wasn't so good-looking underneath. He wondered what Aria would think if she saw. He could even imagine the disgust on her face at the ugliness of the scars. He shook his head, before running a hand down his face. It wasn't like she would see them anyway unless he had his shirt off. He rinsed the shower gel out of his hair, running fierce fingers through the soft strands.
Ezra was stepping out of the shower, when he heard a soft gasp. He looked up; his eyes meeting Aria's shocked ones as she took in his body. Her gaze was long and slow. He kept his eyes trained on her face, seeing the flush of color go into her pale cheeks. Her beautiful big brown eyes went even darker, filling with heat. He couldn't help the reaction it did to his body, feeling himself grow hard and her eyes got even bigger when she saw that part of him swell. It was like he could read her mind, his eyes following hers as she took in his erect cock, then back up his taut abdomen and well-defined chest, and then back up into his face. He felt his own eyes ignite with heat, wanting her in so many ways. He then saw her eyes flash back down to his scars, reading the curiosity in them as her mouth frowned. He didn't see disgust. He saw sadness, sadness for him. Her eyes met his again, questioning him. He could tell she wanted to know the story behind his scars. He couldn't yet. Those were old wounds that he didn't want to relive yet. He couldn't be open with her, not now or ever. She took slow steps towards him, fearing that he would push her way, or yell.
He continued to hold his breath as she approached him, only releasing it once he felt her hands on him. They were hot, smooth, and nice. They also felt so good on his bare skin. His eyes held hers intensely, reflecting his need to have her. She licked her lips, before gently biting on the inside of her bottom lip. God, she was so lovely. Her eyes were even more huge and beautiful up close, seeing the speck at the corner of her mouth. He had never noticed a mole there before. He groaned as she started tracing every scar with her fingers, learning each detail. Her eyes dropped down to his mouth, then back up to his face, and then they followed her fingers as they wandered over his chest and abdomen. He could feel the slight tremble of her fingers as she brushed them against his skin. He wanted to touch her too, but he didn't. He kept his hands down at side. He couldn't touch her. She was off-limits. He bit down harshly on his tongue, willing himself not to touch her. Her fingers did amazing things to his body. He could barely function with her hands on him like that. As though in a haze, her hands crept close to his cock but he stopped her. She looked back up at him as though in a daze, her eyes glazed over and her full peachy lips quivering. He could read just how much she wanted him, willing to give to him. He couldn't take her virginity. She needed her first time to be with someone normal and who treated her right and valued her. He wasn't that guy.
"No," Ezra said in a hoarse voice, his hands keeping hers at bay. "I can't".
"I'm sorry," Aria said softly, before licking her lips as her eyes searched his, and then she tore her eyes away to stare back down at his scars. "How did you get these scars?"
She pulled her hands from out of his grip to go back tracing the long jagged flesh.
"It's a long story," Ezra started, fighting to think with her body so close to his. "I struggled with a lot of addictions in my past. I went to a really dark place".
"How dark was that place?" Aria questioned, her eyes looking back into his as her fingers still traced the ugly scars. "There's so much I want to know about you".
"It was a very dark place. A place I don't want to go back to," Ezra said quietly, showing her his weakness as he felt a large lump form inside of his throat. "You don't want to know me. I'm not perfect. My past is ugly".
"I didn't say that you were," Aria said, biting the inside of top lip. "I know that you have a lot of issues, issues that run rather deep. I can't begin to figure you out".
"No, but you think it," Ezra said, willing her to contradict him. She didn't. "You think I'm a mystery, don't you?"
"I do. You have so many faces. So many in fact, I can't see the real you," Aria said honestly, removing her hands from off of him as she took a step back. "I can see the hurt in you, the hate for yourself".
"So, you're a psychic now?" Ezra asked angrily, reaching across her to grab a towel to wrap around his waist. "You don't know anything about me".
"You won't tell me anything about yourself!" Aria shot back, her small breasts rising and falling as she wrapped her arms around herself. "Why are you so broken? Why won't you let anyone in?"
"You don't need to know about me, or about my past," Ezra insisted with so much anger in his voice as he stepped around her to get to the sink. "I'm damaged, Aria. You got that right. I can't change all the stuff I did in the past".
"Why kind of addictions did you struggle with?" Aria asked, following him over to the sink. "I want to know. I want to know you, ever part of you. And I know that I shouldn't get too close, but I can't seem to help it".
Ezra closed his eyes, letting her words flow through him.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Ezra asked with such vulnerability in his voice, before his voice grew hard and cold. His eyes met hers though the mirror. He didn't want to her hurt, but it was the only way she'll back off. "You're like a goddamn tick that stays stuck to my ass. I can't be in this house without you following me around like a puppy".
She flinched back as though he had slapped her, her eyes filling with tears. She didn't speak for a minute, shaking her head to stop them from falling. He could see the determined look in her hurt eyes. He hated himself for saying that to her. His words were uncalled for and harsh.
"Wow, you're such an ass," Aria half laughed and cried as she shook her head, her gaze holding his as tears coursed down her cheeks. He saw that she could see through him, that she got him. "I know that you didn't mean those words. You just can't stand that I want to know you".
He couldn't, he couldn't allow her to get too close.
"I did mean them," Ezra said with as much conviction as he could, seeing her falter in her confidence. "Just keep your distance from me".
"What were those addictions you struggled with?" Aria asked, repeating herself as though she hadn't heard him. "And you're such a liar, but you can't fool me. Let me in".
He had to give her credit; she wasn't backing away from him. He decided to just tell her, hoping that she wouldn't judge him too harshly. He took a deep breath and began spilling his secrets.
"I struggled with an alcohol and sex addiction," Ezra said with shame, turning around to face her. She wasn't running. She just stood there hearing him out. Her expression wasn't judging him. She moved closer to him, her arms going around his neck as she hugged him closely to her. He felt tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, but he refuse to let them fall. He didn't want to seem weak in front of her. He breathed in her scent, listening to the sound of her breathing. He didn't dare wrap his arms around her. "Those times were especially hard for me as well as dark. I was afraid I was going to die so many times".
"How did you get through those times?" Aria whispered, her breath tickling his neck. "Did your mom or Scott know?"
"With pills and therapy," Ezra said with a small laugh, knowing that Aria could feel the vibrations. "And no, they didn't, but I kind of figured they had their suspicions".
"Don't do that," Aria said suddenly with anger, drawing back to look into his face as her eyes caressed his. "Don't joke about your struggles".
"How can you even look at me the same way after I told you all of this?" Ezra asked in wonder, his thumb coming up to brush her bottom lip. She sucked in a breath, her eyes darkening in response. "God, you're such a good person".
"Am I?" Aria asked him with a laugh, not knowing if she was or not. "I guess I can't tell through my own eyes".
"You are," Ezra laughed with her, stroking her bottom lip until she moaned. He leaned his head down towards hers, needing to kiss her. "You're not only good, but also very beautiful".
"Then why do you continue to push me away?" Aria asked breathlessly, watching his mouth. "Is it so bad that I want to know you?"
"Because I don't want to hurt you," Ezra said truthfully, his mouth moving closer to hers. "I'm afraid of exposing you to my past".
"I don't care about how bad you think your past is," Aria said quietly, before stepping on her tippy-toes to press her mouth to his.
He couldn't think. He just allowed her to kiss him, hearing himself sigh into her mouth as he opened his mouth to stroke her tongue with his. He knew that he should stop her, but he couldn't get enough of her sweet lips. They felt so ripe, so soft. His arms crushed her small body against his, her hands finding their way into his wet hair. He groaned as her fingers combed out the tangles. But, before he could surrender completely, he pushed her away. His whole body was shaking with anger, feelings of want long gone. He couldn't keep doing this with her. He wanted her so much. His whole body ached with wanting to be inside of her. He had to stay in control. He had to keep her at a distance.
"I can't let you get close to me," Ezra said angrily, his voice full of ice as he stared into her face. "I'm not worth it".
"It's not your choice," Aria said hoarsely as she moved back over towards him, biting the inside of bottom lip as her hand ran through her silky locks. "You confuse me".
"Then maybe you should go out with that Kyle guy," Ezra said coldly, before leaving her in the bathroom to head back into his room.
She came behind him, not letting him walk away from her.
"Maybe I should," Aria taunted, invading his personal space as her body brushed up against his to keep him trap. "At least I'm not confused when I'm with him".
He didn't know why, but her words hurt him.
"Then, you'll spread your legs for him, because you was oh so willing to do it for me," Ezra said callously, instantly regretting his words as he saw the disbelief on her face. "Aria, I'm sorry".
She just shook her head no, silent tears falling down her face as she held him at bay when he was trying to pull her close to him. Her look killed him, tore at his insides. He couldn't hate himself any more than he already did. Why did he always have to keep hurting her? She continued to look at him with hurt eyes, and then she ran out his room. He didn't try calling after her, he knew that she wouldn't come back. He whirled around and punched the door to his closet really hard, cursing as he bruised his knuckles, and then he dropped to his knees and he broke down crying.
Wow, Ezra really does have a dark past, and it's only going to get darker. I really hope you guys are up for the journey. I'll understand if you won't continue to read this story. Anyway, I really loved this chapter, what about you guys? Please review and let me know!