Emma felt torn for days. On the one hand, she knew she wasn't really responsible for the deaths or for Fred's suffering. And Fred was recovering fine.
But at the same time, she couldn't help but ask herself over and over whether all of it couldn't have been avoided if she had just been willing to use an Unforgiveable Curse. And despite the fact that asking again and again brought her no closer to answers, she couldn't seem to stop herself from asking.
She didn't discuss the matter with Fred, and he didn't seem too eager to talk about it, either. She did, though, sit in Grimmauld Place, staring at the wallpaper for quite some time before Mad-Eye finally sat down beside her.
"It won't move," he said. "I can honestly say it's just wallpaper."
Emma rolled her eyes at the bad joke, but she said nothing, just blinking and continuing to stare at the wall.
"You know, Norwick, I remember the first mission I lost people on," he said in a surprisingly tender voice. She actually looked over at him to make sure it was still Mad-Eye speaking. "I was about twenty years old, prodigy of the department. I thought I was invincible."
This seemed strange to Emma, in light of his regular iteration that they all be constantly vigilant, but she supposed that one didn't become so paranoid without making a few mistakes along the way.
"He'd been fresh out of training," Mad-Eye continued. "Name was Alexander. He was a cautious one, and I didn't like him for it. He suggested we take precautions, not approach until we'd done a few sweeps, but they would take time and I wasn't interested in the chance of letting a known criminal slip through my fingers. So we went in without the sweeps.
"Alexander was right. We were mistaken in their numbers, and we were overwhelmed when we went in. A simple sweep would have caught it quickly, and he might have walked out of there alive. I had to tell his mother why he wasn't coming home."
Emma wondered if Alexander's mother buried a body. Her mistake left no bodies to bury, and no one to bury them.
"Fred will be fine," Mad-Eye said. "Maybe not completely his old self again, but he'll be healthy and a little more careful next time. That's all you can ask for in times like these."
She would not accept that. Emma frowned at the wall and swore to herself that she would always ask more than that. What was wrong with asking for everyone she loved to live, that she never lose someone on a mission again? What was wrong for asking for things to be right for a change?
Lee Jordan came in a moment later and paused at the sight of Emma and Mad-Eye watching the wall.
"Just here to make my report," he said. "We've got some strange activity going on in Kent that Dedalus might want to take a look at."
He handed a short report to Mad-Eye, who read through it quickly and then grunted something, hurrying off, perhaps to tell Dedalus or Dumbledore about the details in question. Lee sat down next to Emma.
"How is he?"
She shrugged, feeling another wave of guilt washing over her. Fred hadn't seen anyone he didn't have to since the incident, and that included Lee and Angelina and Alicia.
"I wish I could have been there to help you," Lee said sadly. "I can't imagine what that must have been like, dealing with that alone."
Emma frowned down at her fingers, knitting them together in her lap. She didn't want Lee's sympathy, but she knew he had to give it, for his own conscience. He had to say the sorts of things friends were expected to say, and to do anything other than to graciously accept his words would be impolite of her.
"I should be getting back. I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow," she said softly, awkwardly. Lee said to give his best to the twins and hugged her before she left, something he hadn't done in years. Emma realized that this was going to be her life if things ever happened to Fred. If he died, it would only be worse and last longer.
Instead of going straight home, Emma made the prearranged meeting with Severus in a café just outside of wizarding London, close enough to see St. Mungo's.
"He's recovering," she said softly. Snape had not asked, but he hadn't needed to. The tiny quirk of his eyebrow said the words for him. "All I can ask for, really."
"No doubt everyone is telling you that you are not responsible," Snape drawled as Emma sipped her coffee, watching the hospital. She nodded slightly, gripping the almost-too-hot cup with aching fingers. "I won't say that you are not," he said, and Emma blinked up at him, surprised, "but all you can do is remember that the next time you show mercy to someone who would never do the same for you, you could very well lose more than just the lives of a few strangers."
Emma said nothing, looking down at her coffee in stunned silence.
The harsh words told her what she told herself every night. In some sense, it was her fault. Her hesitation made the outcome unavoidable, but next time she would be ready. She would not hesitate based on moral sentiments that had no place in a war zone.
That night, as she tried to sleep to no avail, she felt Fred clinging to her desperately, more afraid than he dared voice, and she kept her eyes shut tight. She didn't want to look this in the face, to see her husband's fear in his eyes. Instead, she just gently petted his arms as they held her and she told herself that she would not let anyone hurt him again. It didn't matter what she had to do to keep the promise.
The following morning, George reminded Emma that they had a meeting around lunchtime, but she simply told him that she would meet them there. She had some things to see to. She would be on time.
Emma took a deep breath, knowing that what she was about to do was defying all good sense as she stepped out of Diagon Alley and into Knockturn Alley. Strange that she should live so very close to the place and yet every time she went there her skin crawled. She passed Borgin and Burkes and went down the way to the bookshop, glad no one there knew her face.
The shopkeeper watched her as she crossed to the spellbooks. She hoped she just looked young and curious, not like a Ministry worker. She would hate to think that they would be suspicious of her and not sell her something because she appeared to be an official. However, the man said nothing, simply watched her as she looked at all the unfamiliar names and titles. As she picked one book up off the shelf, she realized hew as leering at her, not watching her. She doubted very much that he would have an issue selling her something, but she hoped he had enough scruples not to attack her.
She found a book that seemed to be a basic spellbook of Dark spells, including the Unforgivables and some rather nasty offensive hexes, jinxes, and curses. Most of these she would never use, but she wanted a proper guide in case she did have to use something Dark or Unforgivable in the course of battle. She paid for the book and slipped back to the apartment, upstairs past the twins, without their noticing her return in the rush of all their customers.
She sat down on the bed and took the book out of its wrapping, running her hands along the leather spine. Such a beautiful book, with such terrible things inside.
Hiding it was necessary, and she disguised it as a Runes text, knowing Fred wouldn't bother looking at it. She slipped it on the bookshelf between two other Runes texts he never touched and she began to pace the bedroom, feeling a choking anxiety in her chest. Another secret, another thing to hide from her husband. Didn't she have enough of those already? And perhaps he would be supportive of her decision. After all, if she'd just used the Imperius Curse he would have been okay.
It was something to consider, anyway, telling Fred. Not right away, but…when she had time to decide how much of this book she actually wanted to learn.
Glancing up at the clock, she found she still at a couple of hours before she had to be at Grimmauld Place, so she took the book off the shelf once more, opening to the table of contents, and running her finger down the list of spells and spell types. Unforgivable Curses were supposed to be very difficult. She should start with something simple, but what?
She opened to the first chapter, but that contained many preliminary charms to learn and access, things not necessarily Dark but that could be used for dark purposes, things that needed to be mastered before moving on to more difficult spells. Things like Memory Charms, she noticed, feeling slightly sick to her stomach as she thought of how Memory Charms would likely involve similar technique to things like the Imperius Curse.
Emma did not want to learn how to cause pain, and many of the spells were focused on pain and injury, blood and death. She even found a section all about creating an Inferius. It came with pictures, and she felt sick to her stomach as she flipped through those pages.
She took a deep breath, shaking her head to clear it, going back to the beginning of the book. Emma had always been good at Charms, but Memory Charms weren't the sort of thing one usually had much practice with. She could think of no safe environment to practice such spells, because unlike the Imperius Curse, they were irreversible.
She supposed she could practice on herself, if she was careful. She had memories she didn't need, memories that wouldn't serve her any purpose during the war. Yes, they were memories she might wish she had later, but she couldn't ask someone else to give up memories just so she could practice. This was a war, and sacrifices had to be made. She just had to be careful that she only made reasonable ones.
Emma was just pondering whether she had time to practice a little before the meeting when she heard footsteps in the main room of the flat. She quickly snapped the book shut, shoving it back on the shelf in the space she had made for it, and brushing hair out of her eyes. She scrambled like she was looking for her jacket, although she knew exactly where she'd put it.
"Emma?" Fred asked, looking in the door. "I thought you were out."
"Got done early," she said, smiling at him, feeling perturbed and panicked under the smile. What if he noticed the wrapping she'd left carelessly on the floor and asked what she'd bought? How could she not tell him without lying to him outright?
"Great, we can go together, then," he said, flinging the door open. He was looking thinner since his experience with the Cruciatus, and sometimes he would twitch, or drop his fork in the middle of dinner, but he was generally recovered.
"I'd love to," she said, snatching up her jacket and leading him out toward the front door. "Did you need to grab anything?"
"Nah, just putting away the ledger," he said, kissing her cheek. They strolled out of the building, down the street to a quiet spot, and then Emma stopped them, turning on her heel to Disapparate them together to Grimmauld Place. Fred had been told by several Order members to hold off on trying to Apparate on his own for a while, anyway, so the timing was perfectly fine.
They were let in by Kingsley, who greeted them warmly, with his soothing, low voice, and led them down to the kitchen, where nearly the whole Order was gathered. Remus was missing, as were Tonks, Mundungus, Severus, and Minerva.
"Good afternoon," Albus said, motioning for them to have a seat. They did so, Fred next to George, Emma between Fred and Lee. "Nearly everyone is here. Severus will be along as soon as his last class of the day finishes."
Emma pursed her lips together and looked around the kitchen. Something, several somethings, were missing.
"Does it seem…emptier in here to anyone else?" she said, frowning at the china cabinet that she was sure had been full the other day, but now was half empty.
"Mundungus," Mad-Eye growled. "He's been nicking Sirius's things since before Sirius died, not that Black would have cared. But now he's decided enough time has passed that he can get way with robbing the place blind when he thinks no one's looking."
Emma felt fury, but she raised her eyebrows. Mundungus wasn't stupid, or he wouldn't still be alive, but it blew her mind that anyone would assume they weren't always being watched at Headquarters, given Mad-Eye. Especially Dung.
She had half a mind to track him down herself and strangle him, and she knew Harry would feel the same – after all, they were his things now – but she knew it wasn't her place. Albus would decide the best course of action. Dung was his responsibility, after all.
"Welcome back, Fred," Albus said when Severus glided in, sitting down across from Emma, his eyes their usual sea of unreadable obsidian. "It is good to see your health improved."
"Thank you, sir," Fred said, grinning as best he could, but his eyes still looked so hollow. Emma squeezed his hand under the table and tried not to think of how she had failed him.
"We have a few things to discuss," Albus continued, now addressing the room at large.
Emma listened to all the instructions and discussions, most of which had little or nothing to do with her. She felt strangely out of place at meetings sometimes, knowing that the bulk of her work was done quietly, secretly, and so much so that most of the room wasn't supposed to know any of it.
Albus did say toward the end of the meeting, when he was giving out assignments and wrapping up, that he wanted Emma to stay for a bit longer, along with Mad-Eye and Severus. Fred gave her a nervous look, but she squeezed his hand, gave him a reassuring smile, and watched him leave with George. She waited for the room to empty out, then turned to look at the three men still sitting.
"Alastor, I need to speak with you upstairs," Albus said sharply. "Emma, Severus needed to speak with you, so you are free to go when your conversation is done."
She waited again, this time for her and Severus to be alone, and then she turned to him, raising her eyebrows.
"I need you to meet me at the Hog's Head once more," he said. "Around eight."
Emma nodded, knowing that someone would be there, watching for them, waiting. She did have things to ask him, so she wasn't worried about wasting her time.
"That should be fine. I'm having dinner with Tien while the boys have a night out, but she doesn't monopolize too much time."
"I care very little for the minutia of your daily life," he snapped. "If you are not prompt, the circumstances may be very bad for you. Do I make myself clear?"
"Certainly," she said, trying not to show that she was shaken by his words. She didn't want him to be able to shake her, because she knew he wasn't trying to hurt her. Anyone actively trying to hurt her would do and say much worse, and she needed to be able to look them calmly in the eye and think of something else. If she couldn't manage with Severus Snape, she probably wouldn't survive the war.
She stood to go, but before she'd even made it to the stairwell, Severus said, "You were seen in Knockturn Alley today. We can discuss your motives later. I trust next time you take a stroll into territory not a part of your usual routine for reasons other than work you will take adequate measures to disguise yourself."
Emma whipped around, eyes wide.
"Seen?" she said. "By who?"
"By someone who knows your face," he said, sneering. "A Death Eater."
"You or a different one?"
His eyes flashed, but he did not answer the question.
"As inconspicuous as you think you are, as a Ministry official who has frequented Borgin and Burkes for business, you are a known quantity in that quarter." Emma winced. "The fact remains that you were careless, and for now you are lucky. But there is no promise that the next time you are careless you will make it out alive. Do not forget that this is a war, and you are dancing several very thin and dangerous lines."
Emma thought about the book sitting on her shelf, the pictures and descriptions she had glanced through while deciding what to do.
"I haven't forgotten," she said softly, looking down at her fingers. "I have…plans to help me walk those lines. We'll discuss it tonight."
Severus stood, his dark eyes boring into hers as she stood rooted to the spot. She could easily recall in that moment, although she wasn't sure why, picking up the spell book from the shelf, sifting through it in her flat, weighing her options on how to proceed.
"Indeed we will," he said, taking a step back, his eyes searching her face for a moment, although she didn't know what for. "Do not be late. And do not be careless."
Before she could insist that she would be neither, he had pushed past her and left the kitchen.