Chapter 10
Ezra's POV
Ezra cursed his very existence. He hadn't seen Aria in over three weeks. She was avoiding him like the plague. He couldn't say he blamed her. What he'd done had been unforgivable. He didn't know why he had hurt her like that. He never wanted to hurt her. He had always feared that would happen. He didn't know what point he had tried to make. He just needed her to stop being so open to him, to not try in fix him, and to not feel pity for him. He was such an asshole. He had hurt the only person who made him feel good about himself, who he connected with. He didn't expect her to forgive him. He had tested her limits to many times before. He knew she hated him. He had turned her feelings for him into hate. He had made her fear him. He had never wanted that. He had no idea where she was. He didn't dare ask his father or Ella. He couldn't tell them what had gone on with them. He had assumed that Aria hadn't told them anything either, because they didn't approach him. Where was she? Why had he let his temper get out of control? Why had he let himself become so angry with her? Why couldn't he just allow her in? Why couldn't he just let her help him? But he hadn't. He had only pushed her away too far this time. He couldn't erase what he had done. He couldn't go back. The fear in her eyes, her tears, and the blood on her lip had immobilized him, tore out his insides. He had scared even himself. He had betrayed her trust. He was a danger to her. He had broken her, had ruined her. He hadn't been able to hold back his own tears at the shock, hurt, and fear in her eyes as she had gazed at him.
It was for the best that she avoided him. He avoided her also, flying back to LA many times in the week and staying the entire weekend. He didn't want to scare her further. He had gone back to LA for his job; hangout with his friends, and to spend some time with Stephanie. He had recently started back seeing his therapist. He needed help more than ever. He feared that he would start back drinking again, that he would revisit those dark places. He worked hard not to think of Aria. He couldn't think about what he had done to her. He couldn't face that reality yet. He couldn't forgive himself. He didn't know what he wanted out of life. He couldn't seem to find his footing. He felt himself slipping every day, losing part of himself. He couldn't talk about it with anyone, not even his parents, his friends and Stephanie, or his therapist. They wouldn't understand. His wounds went too far back. The only thing that would help him heal was Aria. He needed her, needed her in his life. He had screwed that up. He wished he could be open with her, wished he could let her in. Could allow her to help him. She had wanted to. He had been so callous, so stubborn. He wanted to tear down all the vulnerable walls surrounding him, to just let her see the good and the ugly residing in him. He just wanted to breakdown in front of her, letting her see the broken man he really was. He wanted to show her every weakness, be emotional, but he couldn't do that. He was too proud.
He had to stop thinking of her. He had blown his second chance with Aria. He had to stay away from her. He wouldn't subject her to his presence. He cared about her too much. He wouldn't remind her of that day, the day he had lost control. He still couldn't get the look of terror that had been in her eyes out of his head. He shook his head, sweeping fingers through his hair as he closed his eyes. He couldn't believe he had hurt her like that. How could he have done something like that? To her? She had been nothing but nice to him. He had brought his complications into her life. She had, had an uncomplicated life until he came along. He had been a constant jerk to her, disrupting her comfortable lifestyle. He had unintentionally made her care for him, feel sorry for him. Why had he disrupted her life? Why did he let himself become attracted to her? Grow to care for her? Why couldn't he have just come to Rosewood and blend in? He shook his head again, erasing all thoughts of Aria as he rested his head back against the seat of his car. He rubbed at the moisture that had collected in his eyes as he waited for the car in front of him to pull up at the bank window. There were still two cars ahead of the car in front of him. He was depositing his last two paychecks. It wasn't like he needed the money. He had plenty of it. He got by just fine. He didn't live like he was rich just because he knew that he could. His mother, Viviane came from old money. She had been the only child of his deceased grandparents. They had been famous French jewelry designers', opening many high-end jewelry departments all over the world. He had trust funds composed of money, stocks, bonds, property, and other types of financial products. He had a team of lawyers overseeing those trust funds. He never would have to want for anything.
Ezra maneuvered his blue 2013 Hyundai Genesis Coupe up to the bank window, filled out the necessary deposit slips, got back his receipts, and then he headed to his therapist office on West Boulevard. He had, had his therapist secretary squeeze him in at the last-minute. He needed to see him before he left LA. He had a lot of things to get off his chest. He also needed his prescriptions refilled. He parallel parked, and then he got out and headed into the office. The office was decorate moderately, with the occasional chairs, water fountain and ends tables, magazine racks, a children play area, a flat screen TV that was hung on the wall, plants and pictures, and two restrooms. They were other people scattered throughout the waiting area. Dr. John Hill came highly recommended. And he was expensive, but Ezra had no problem paying the fee. He had helped Ezra through some pretty dark times. He had seen Dr. Hill since he was a teenager. He signed in, then handed one of the secretaries one of his many credit cards lodged inside of his wallet, and then he went to go sit down. He ran his hands through his hair, then down his face, and then down his thighs, before leaning forward in his seat with his head in his hands as he thought of Aria again.
She was everything he wasn't. He rubbed fiercely at his eyes as he thought of her face again, the tears, and the state of her bottom lip. He breathed deeply, his right leg bouncing uncontrollably. He was a royal fuck up, had always been. He had a habit of hurting the ones he loved. He couldn't go on like this, couldn't continue destroying the people around him. They didn't deserve it. He wished his father had never begged him to come to Rosewood. He should have just remained in LA. Aria would be a lot better off not knowing him. How could he look her in the eyes again? She had beautiful big brown eyes. They could see inside of him. What could he say to her? Would she even listen? How could he get her to forgive him? Would she even be willing? Did he really ruin his chances with her? Would she let him start over? Make up for what he had done to her? He wanted her, he never hid that fact. He would do just about anything to win her trust back. He was going to earn her trust back. He never wanted anything so much, to prove to her that he could be open and treat her right. He needed her in his life, needed her light to see him through the dark times. He knew that he could be a better person with her. Just spending more time with Stephanie made him see that she couldn't make him better, make him happy. Only Aria could. So why was he still holding on to her? He had to let her go. He had to focus on getting better, and proving himself to Aria. He wanted Aria, that realization making him smile. He was always the one rejecting her and telling her no they couldn't.
He got called to the back, getting up and making his way to his therapist office as he bypassed other offices that his therapist partners' used. He had never gone to either of them. They were good, but he was more comfortable with Dr. Hill. Dr. Hill didn't treat him like some mental case. He had always made Ezra feel welcome. He shook hands with the fifty-one-year African-American man, before taking a seat opposite his desk as the smiling man sat back down behind his desk. Ezra watched as Dr. Hill took out his tape recorder, and then he grabbed his notepad. He looked around the office, noting the many family pictures, degrees and certificates, and awards.
"You mine if I record this session?" Dr. John Hill asked, his hand hovering over the tape recorder as he stared into Ezra's eyes. "As I said before this method helps me to catch everything and understand. No one besides me will hear this recording".
"Sure," Ezra said as he clasped his hands in his lap. "Anything that can help me".
He nodded, and then he clicked the tape recorder, before picking up the notepad and pen.
"How are you doing?" Dr. Hill asked in a very calm voice, watching Ezra closely. His gaze was always observant. "Having any more of those dark thoughts as before?"
Up to this point, I'm not doing too great. It feels like I'm slipping back into old habits every day," Ezra choked out, running a hand down his face as he stared off into space. "It's becoming harder to pull myself out. And I'm not having any dark thoughts, but I do feel myself retreating back to those dark places".
"Do you want that to happen?" Dr. Hill asked as he jotted down notes. "Are you taking the medications that I prescribed? It's very important that you take those every day. You can't miss a single pill. These pills are going to help you".
"Course not. I almost died the last time if you recall," Ezra said angrily, before lowering his voice. He couldn't let his temper get out of control, not after what had happened with Aria. "And it's not like I'm forgetting to take the pills. I just ran out yesterday".
"I'm here to help you, Ezra. I'm not here to judge. And I do remember the bad places you were in. I helped you through them," Dr. Hill said, still speaking in a soothing tone. "Do you need for me to prescribe you more? How do you like them? Do you feel like it's helping you? Is it keeping your depression at bay?"
"I'm sorry," Ezra said as he blew out a ragged breath, before bowing his head. "And I do need more refills. They are different from the last ones. I can't tell if they are helping me or not. I still feel the same way as before, only less moody. There are times when I still feel isolated and lost. And then there's this sickening feeling in my chest when I'm craving a drink or a warm body".
"I'm going to up your dosage, to see if it's going to help. If not, then I'll prescribe you something different," Dr. Hill said as he wrote it down. "What do you think is causing these thoughts to resurface? Or were they ever gone?"
"I don't think they ever were," Ezra said as he lifted his head, his eyes meeting John's. "I think they were just dormant".
"I see," Dr. Hill said, jotting down some more notes on his notepad as his pen glided across the paper. "Have there been any recent changes in your life, something that would cause these feelings to come rushing back? I thought you were getting better".
"It's like I can't run far enough from my past. It feels as though it's always going to catch up with me," Ezra gave a bitter laugh, running his fingers though his hair. "There's really nothing that's worth mentioning, aside from my father re-marrying and me being in Rosewood for most of the summer".
"And how do you feel about your father getting married again? Do you like your new step-mother? How is your relationship with your father?" Dr. Hill asked, before getting up to offer Ezra a bottle of water. "I remember you expressing your displeasure about your own parents' marriage falling apart in your previous sessions".
"There's not much to say about it. I'm happy that my father re-married again. He's happy. Ella's a wonderful woman. I have no ill feelings towards her. She's great for my father. And me and my father are slowly re-building our relationship back up. It's the main reason I decided to go to Rosewood for summer break," Ezra said as he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, before re-opening his eyes again. "That was a long time ago. I'm over that. My parents were both unhappy in the marriage, so I had to accept that. They were never compatible".
"So, why did they get married?" Dr. Hill asked, seeing the vague expression that fell over Ezra's face. "I remember you telling me that they always fought, and that there was infidelity on both sides.
He shook his head, feeling himself closing off. He didn't want to talk about his parents' marriage. They were a train wreck together. They should have never got married in the first place. They were a part of his problems.
"Because my mother got pregnant with me, so that kind of forced their hand. And my father was not about to let my mother get an abortion," Ezra said, stretching his legs out in front of him. "I don't think my mother ever wanted kids. I think she grew to hate my father for it. I don't think she ever really loved my father. My mother was young and she was a free spirit, wild and untamable. She did whatever the hell she wanted. She was selfish. She cheated on my father constantly, and he reached out to other women, other women who gave him what my mother couldn't".
"How is your relationship with your mother?" Dr. Hill asked, before taking a sip of his water. "Have you ever forgiven her for making you grow up too fast, and for taking you away from your father?"
He had mixed feelings when it came to his mother. Sometimes he loved her, and other times he hated her. She never gave him what he needed; never put his needs before her own. She was never there for him. He was only an asset to her. She had exposed him to so much, had robbed him out of having a relationship with his father.
"Strained, I can barely talk to her," Ezra said though clenched teeth as his hands balled up into fists at his sides as he slumped down in his chair, his head going back. "The things she had exposed me to, all because she was so damn selfish and spiteful. There were drugs, booze, sex with women and men, and no guidance. A scared kid who thought he was tough. I had no one to turn to, to look out for me. I did what I wanted, took what I wanted. The sky was the limit".
"Is that why you're still not close with your father? Do you think he turned his back on you," Dr. Hill asked as he flipped the tape over in the recorder, and then he flipped through his notes. "You mentioned in your other sessions that he wasn't there for you either, that he didn't fight for you. That he just let your mom take you".
"Yes," Ezra said quietly, breathing hard as he relaxed his hands. His father had failed him. "He could have fought for me. He didn't have to let my mother take me. My father was so weak when it came to my mother. She was very good at manipulating him and he allowed her. I remember begging him on many occasions to not let my mother take me to this place, or that place. And he never did anything about it".
Ezra remembered all the different schools he'd gone to, all the different people who had entered his life.
"And when did you separate from your mother?" Dr. Hill asked as he continued skimming through his notes. "I don't think you ever mentioned it".
"I was 16-years-old," Ezra said as he sat up straight in his chair, exhaling as he ran a hand through his hair again. "I was just coming into my trust fund".
"You have struggled with an alcohol and sex addiction, is that correct?" Dr. Hill asked as he looked back up into his face. "And you said that you have had sex with women and men in the past. Did you ever question your sexuality".
Ezra felt sick to his stomach, feeling himself become light-headed as he felt the bile rising up in his throat. He cradled his head in his hands, before gripping the sides of the chair as he took deep breaths. He didn't want to think about those women, or those men. How could he tell Dr. Hill he'd been raped? He swore never to mention it. Just thinking about it again made him angry that he was so helpless and scared back then.
"I'm not gay, if that's what you're asking," Ezra spat, his beautiful blue eyes looking furious as he eyed the older man. He told himself to calm down, to take more deep breaths. He had to remember that John was trying to help him. "It wasn't my choice with those men. My mother was so wrapped up in her own world. She didn't give a damn what happened to me. Two men that my mother knew raped me one night. I never felt such pain in my life, especially in my heart. It was sick. I was so disgusted with myself. I blamed myself. I still do. I wanted to die that night, to just end my life. I was so bruised and bloody. I couldn't think. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I didn't know why it was happening to me. But, I didn't go down without a fight. I fought like hell".
He didn't know he was crying, until he felt the tears running down his face. He never wanted to relive that night. He allowed himself to cry, feeling all the emotions he had held in rushing out. It felt good to let them go. He didn't want to hurt anymore, sick of keeping the ugly secrets in. It had taken him ages to stop having nightmares of that night. He wiped fiercely at his eyes, taking in gulps of air, before pulling himself together. He didn't want to appear weak any longer.
"I never knew. You never shared this with me," Dr. Hill said as he leaned forward in his chair, his kind eyes roaming over Ezra's face before jotting down more notes. "Did you ever tell anyone?"
"No," Ezra said in a hushed voice, wanting to forget that night again. "I didn't tell anyone. I just pretend that it never happened".
"Why didn't you?" Dr. Hill asked as the tip of his pen tapped against the notepad in his hand. "I'm sure you could have spoken to someone, gotten help".
"I was too ashamed," Ezra said with anguish, before laughing bitterly as his blue eyes glittered dangerously. "I thought it was my fault".
"It wasn't. You need to remember that," Dr. Hill stressed, sensing the level of anger Ezra held inside of him. "You had no control over that at all. There isn't a reason why you should blame yourself".
He sat quietly for a moment, taking in Dr. Hill's words.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Ezra said with frustration as he pushed himself out of the chair and walked around the office, needing to clear his head. "I can't do it".
It made him sick every time he thought of that night, seeing himself muster up enough strength to get up off the floor after they got done with him.
"Thanks fine," Dr. Hill said with understanding, watching as a mask of indifference fell over Ezra's face as his eyes still held the same level of anger. "How's your relationship going with Stephanie? How long have you been seeing her?"
"There's history. I've dated her for two years now. I try to see her every chance I get when I come back to LA, but there's something missing in our relationship," Ezra said as he stopped pacing, stuffing his hands down into the pockets of his jeans. "I don't think I can continue my relationship with her when I have these issues to work through, and when I have feelings for someone else".
"That's amicable of you," Dr. Hill said, putting down his notepad and pen and reclined back in his chair as his eyes followed Ezra as he started back walking around the office. "Has Stephanie been your only serious relationship? How is this other girl different from Stephanie?"
"I'm a jerk, but I don't want to lead her on. I don't want to hurt her. And yes, Stephanie has been my only serious relationship. There was just something about her that made her stand out from the others. I needed her at that time," Ezra said as he went back to his chair, his fingers fumbling with the water bottle. "And this other girl is different, because she's sweet, honest, and open. She just has this light about her that's contagious. I feel better when I'm with her. I don't think of anything else but being there with her. I can't keep my hands off her; she consumes every part of me. Being with Stephanie doesn't inspire those types of emotions like with Aria".
"So, you and Aria got a connection?" Dr. Hill asked as he watched the smile play on Ezra's lips, his blue eyes becoming softer as he spoke of Aria. The girl was a good influence on him. "Does she stay here in LA, or does she stay back in Rosewood?"
"I feel it, she feels it. There's just something that happens when we're in the same room together. I can't describe it. It's like my body yearns for hers, but its more than physical. It's more of an emotional tie that's winding its way around us," Ezra explained, smiling as he thought of Aria. "I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop wanting her. I've never wanted any girl as much as I want her. She stays in Rosewood, but we can't go there".
"What's stopping you from being with her?" Dr. Hill asked as he picked up his notepad and pen again, scribbling down more notes. "If she makes you happy and can help you overcome your past, then I don't see the problem".
"It's not that simple," Ezra said with irritation, before uncapping his bottled water and took a swig from it. "There are many obstacles in our way".
"What are those obstacles?" Dr. Hill asked as he leaned over his desk to replace another tape into the tape recorder. "How can they hinder your chances with Aria?"
He wasn't sure he wanted to tell John about Aria being his step-sister, but he wanted to talk to someone about her. He looked Dr. Hill square in the eyes, daring him to judge him as he revealed everything.
"Aria is my step-sister, she's Ella's daughter. I didn't know I would become attracted to her," Ezra said as he took another swallow of his drink. "She's also 16-years-old, which means she's underage. Then there are my problems, and then I'm in a relationship with Stephanie. I know that I have to stay away from her, but I can't. Then again, It's not right if I'm selfish when it comes to her. I don't want to ruin her with the ugliness of my past and the issues that I'm struggling with. I don't deserve someone as good as her. I'm not worth loving. I'm a danger to her".
"There is a bit of a dilemma there," Dr. Hill agreed, not judging him. "Does she reciprocate your feelings? Do you love her? And you shouldn't say that about yourself, everyone is worth loving. What did you say or do to make yourself think you're a danger to her?
"She told me she cared about me, but I don't know if I can believe that. I don't want her feelings for me born out of pity," Ezra said as he ran a hand down his face. "I don't know if I love her, but I do care about her. I can't open my heart up to loving someone until I start loving myself. I lost control and ended up hurting her. I can't forgive myself for that".
"Well, this Aria person seems very forgiving, so there still could be hope," Dr. Hill said optimistically. "And as your therapist, I recommend that you open up to her, let her in. Let her help you to get past your issues. Just from hearing about her, I think she's going be a tremendous help. I think she's having a good influence on you. I've never seen you smile so many times when you brought up her name".
He took in John's words, weighting them carefully as he thought about opening himself up to Aria.
"I'm a broken person, I don't know if I want to expose her to my past," Ezra said in a conflicting voice as he ran frustrating hands through his hair. "I won't do that to her, I can't. I care about her way too much".
Dr. Hill nodded his head slowly, before his pen scratched against the paper. The noise sounded loud to Ezra's ears as his heart began to beat fast inside his chest.
"What are you afraid of?" Dr. Hill inquired, his eyes holding Ezra's gaze. "What's holding you back"?
He sighed deeply, before answering,
"I don't want her to think less of me. I don't want her to know how dark my past really is, and the things that I did in those dark times," Ezra breathed, before continuing on. "I want to protect her. I don't want to see her view on the world change, to know such evil exist".
He wouldn't do that to Aria. She was such a beautiful person; he didn't want to snuff out her light. She was the only good thing in his life.
"Tell me, does she know about your addiction to both alcohol and sex?' Dr. Hill questioned in his calm voice, the sound soothing Ezra as he shut his eyes briefly as he fought the internal battle in his head. "Does she know about yourself mutilation?"
"She knows all that," Ezra said with a heavy sigh, before resting his head in his hands as he tried to block out the world around him. " I told her when she came upon me in the bathroom one day".
"Then what's stopping you from telling her the rest of your past?" Dr. Hill asked as he studied the young man in front of him. "I bet she didn't even see you any differently".
After his session, Ezra went to his pharmacy to get a refill for his prescriptions, then he went to Panera Bread to get something to eat for the trip back to Rosewood, and then he got on the intersection and headed back to Rosewood. He drove straight through the night, only stopping along the road to pee or to get more gas. It was still early in the morning when he got back into town. He got tired from driving all night. He body craved sleep, feeling as his eyelids started to droop. He was never happier to see the house come into view as he dragged his tired body out the car and headed up the pathway leading to the house. He let himself into the house, closing and the locking the door back behind him. He was on his way up the stairs, when he noticed Aria asleep on one of the front room sofas. He debated with himself, before deciding to walk into the room. He was quiet as he made his way over to her, a smile touching his lips as he heard her snoring. He crouched down in front of her, his breath catching. She was so lovely, her silky dark hair splayed out over the white pillow as she slept on her side. He just watched her sleep, not able to take his eyes from her. The afghan draped on back of the sofa wrapped snugly around her.
He knew that he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself. He had to touch her. His fingers gently brushed the plush locks from her face, then they lightly traced her nose, her full peachy colored lips and the softness of her cheeks, then back up to her eyes, before he moved his hand away. He got up and reached down towards her sleeping form, carefully lifting her into his arms as he made his way upstairs to her bedroom. He held her close to his chest, inhaling her sweet smile as she curled herself into his arms and moaned. He kissed her delicate forehead, before kissing the top of good smelling hair, and then he rested his head on hers as he used his foot to nudge her bedroom door open. He walked over to her queen sized bed, shifting her around carefully in his arms as he pulled back her covers, then laid her down and pulled the covers back up around her, and then he stepped back. She never once woke up. He was grateful for that. He didn't want to frighten her. Her cute little mouth pouted and he couldn't resist kissing it, lingering for too long, before moving away. She smiled softly in her sleep as she snuggled deeply into her covers. His heart constricted, knowing that he wanted her with every breath that he took. He couldn't deny it, couldn't run away from it. He was falling for her. Aria had wormed her way into his heart. She deserved his honesty, so he was going be open with her from here on out. He backed out of room, and then he headed to his own room.
You really learned a lot about Ezra in this chapter. Now you can kind of see why he's the person he is. There's more you're going to learn about him as this story continues. I warned you guys that his past is dark, so I hope you stick with it. If not, then I totally understand. I really loved this chapter, loved how it came out. What did you guys think of it? Please review and let me know your thoughts! Sorry if I made any mistakes, I just wanted to go ahead and upload this chapter. It's been so long since I last updated. I finally got my charger as you can tell, so I'll probably upload the next chapter either Sunday, or sometime next week. Thanks so much for reading.