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WARNING : M
CHAPTER 5 : JUST IN A REFLECTION
It was cold and snowy since the beginning of the day. A thick layer of snow was making them walking slower. Dean was holding his schoolbag and the one of his brother who was shivering in his coat. He had bulged eyes because he's been sick for a few days and Dean was really worried. He looked in the bathroom closet the day before to find some medication and he found only paracetamol … better than nothing. He couldn't hope more from his parents anyway so he had to take care of his brother himself. He gave him the medication and the fever stopped for the night, but in the morning it was back already.
"You have to be brave and get up Sammy, I'll take you to the school nurses so they can give you something to get better." He said kneeling next to him and caressing his hair to help him feel better, then he kissed him on his warm forehead.
John followed Dean's move on his brother's face, he looked at his fingers playing with his hair. Too busy being worried for Sam, Dean didn't hear his dad entering the room. He had no time to react and felt his father's hand catching his shirt's collar. He tried to get away from him but his collar almost strangled him.
John dragged him around like he was a potatoes bag. He tried to get up but his dad was too strong for him. He opened the bedroom's door and threw Dean on the bed. His eyes had a scary color all of a sudden, and Dean was scared because he never saw this look before. John caught his foot and pulled him over, Dean screamed. Sam was too weak to get up, and his mom crashed in the sofa too drunk to wake up.
John straddled him to stop him from moving, he was literally stuck under his father's weight looking at him with envy. He punched him with all his strength, John caught his hands and crashed his arms on the bed.
"As I see you like to caress little boys?" he spited in his face. Dean looked away, panicked.
"He's sick, he needs me!"
"I'm sick too… so I need you too." John replied still holding his son's fists with one hand. He stepped back a little and Dean felt almost naked under his look.
"Dad…please no…dad…" and he started crying.
Dean never called his father like that, he hoped those words would wake him up, he hoped this nightmare would stop.
"Be nice with your daddy." He said starting to caress his crotch. Dean was begging him with his look, between the tears.
"Dad…"
"Daddy will take care of you" he whispered in his ear.
Dean closed his eyes, he was nauseous when he felt his penis reacting to his dad's hands.
"See? I'm a good father. Admit you like it."
His breath smelt terrible and Dean wanted to throw up. He felt his dad's hand opening his pants, he tried to get away again with all his strength, but even drunk his father was too strong for him to run away.
He saw his eyes when he looked at his penis: "like father like son" John said caressing him again.
He would never forget those words, he graved them in his memory forever. He stopped moving, stopped crying, and he came without feeling any pleasure.
His very first sexual experience was a rape… his own father raped him just like that.
"Your turn" John said in Dean's ear.
Dean screamed hoping his mother would wake up, but only Sam was awake, too sick to move, curled up under his blanket hearing his brother calling for help.
"Please dad no!" he pleaded struggling.
"Ok you choose: it's you or Sam."
Dean froze, out of breath. John smiled opening his pants, his eyes were shining with alcohol and desire. Dean cried quietly staring at the ceiling. He felt his dad's penis on his chest and started to shake, closing his eyes hard. John caught his hand and put it on his erection.
"Show me how much you love me!"
He wanted to throw up.
"Think about Sam…"
He had no choice, he started to rub clumsily. He was sobbing but he heard his father moaning, and then he collapsed on the bed next to Dean after a weird hitting noise.
Sam was standing here with his baseball bat in his hand, shaky and in tears. He lifted the bat ready to hit a second time but Dean raised his hand to stop it. Sam let it go, collapsed in his brother's arms and they stayed like this for a while.
Dean finally looked up and met his mother's eyes. Leaning against the door, she was staring at the bed and at John with his pants down. She turned to Dean who was pulling his pants up with his eyes all red. He left the room with his brother and Karen heard him throw up in the bathroom.
When they came back from school that afternoon, Karen was waiting for them with cases and bags.
"Go get your stuffs, we're leaving."
Dean felt Sam's hand leaving his and he ran upstairs. Dean stood there in front of his mother, letting his schoolbag fall on the floor.
"Mom…"
She stepped forward and put her hand on his cheek.
"He will never touch you again. Never. I promise."
Dean closed his eyes feeling the softness of her hand, he let himself drown in this beautiful lie.
They left and went to one of their mom's coworker. Their dad came back the day after to apologize. Two days after, without even opening their bags, Karen took them back to their house and to their father, but even if sometimes he was still looking at Dean the same dirty way, the rape of January stayed the one and only. One more indelible mark graved in his mind and in his body.
They day after, Dean stole a knife in a local shop: He would never let that happen again. He gave the knife up only when their parents died.
John was beating them less and less as they were growing up and became more confident. The first time Dean punched his father he collapsed and passed out. He was 15 and this was the end of the beatings. The insults and the blaming never stopped though.
John turned his anger to their mother then. Dean never defended her, Sam neither. She chose her husband over her sons. They would never forgive her for that.
It was only Dean and Sam, or Sam and Dean… two young men against the world.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Phil typed the access code the East quarter's main door. Dean noted the 6 numbers and tried to remember them. Phil pushed the door and said "Let's go!"
He was pushing the supply cart. They both entered and the door closed behind them.
"Don't forget to always check if the door is locked." He said as he did so.
They crossed the hallway and arrived in front of another gate.
"On your right is the occupational therapist office, and on your left the nurses office."
Phil searched for a key hanging on his belt.
"This key unlocks this gate, you can't go wrong it's the biggest one." He turned the key two times in the lock and pushed the gate. Dean entered and he closed it right behind him. They were in a long corridor leading to a lot of doors.
"How many rooms are there?" asked Dean surprised.
"About fifty but you have only 35 to clean. The other ones are in the second part, in a second corridor, after one more gate..." He pointed "Authorized personnel only."
Contrary to the West quarter there was absolutely no ornament in the corridor. The walls were white and the doors were light green. From where he stood Dean could see tiny windows on each door.
"You'll need an access code for each door." Phil handed a note pad to Dean. He wrote each name and each code in front of each room number.
"Don't lose it" he winked.
Dean stayed quiet.
"You'll figure it's not always that quiet. They scream most of the time, I guess we're just lucky today". He walked to the first door.
"First thing you have to check…" he pointed at the first page of his notepad "the letter in front of each name."
"What?"
"If there is an "X" you enter ONLY if the patient's not here. You'll know that if you ask Garth or Armand for the planning each morning, so you'll know where they are at what time and for how long.
Dean looked at the tiny window.
"Room 23… you'll notice there is absolutely no logical order for the rooms… ok we don't really care about that but still… so?" he nodded at the note pad.
"Hum… 23… Felicia… A." Dean read.
"A" means you can go without worrying about anything. Poor Felicia is always tied when she's alone or she'd rip her own skin. They try not to give medication too much, they don't like that here."
Dean looked at the window.
"You always have to look and check everything is ok in there before you step in. Always." Phil insisted "you can be very surprised about what you'll find sometimes so you better be careful."
He pointed at a small box with a red light next to the door. Dean typed the access code and the light turned green.
"In case of emergency there is a safety system which opens all the rooms at the same time from the front desk. Just a precaution."
Dean went to a few rooms with Phil who introduced him to each patient they met, then he showed him the planning.
"You'll have to plan your work using this. Each room must be cleaned at 2 or 3 pm, boss' orders."
"What time you start?"
"8 am after the first breakfast shift. You can pause but you don't always have time, it depends how dirty the rooms are." He rolled his eyes "especially the bathrooms."
"Well it's not so much different from the West quarter after all. I don't understand why we can't both do this and switch sometimes."
"You only saw the first rooms… the most docile patients. Wait for the rest before judging, and as I've said, they are particularly quiet today. I can guaranty some days they are unbearable." Phil looked at his watch, they were late.
Next room was indeed less pleasant.
"This is the worst I'm warning you. Edward's favorite game is to draw with his poop on the walls. You can imagine how appetizing it is." Phil joked.
"Really smart…" Dean smiled.
Room 19… He looked inside through the window and saw he wasn't here, so they entered.
"Oh God…" Dean said raising his hands to his face.
"Nice perfume right?" Phil smiled patting Dean's shoulder to support him.
"There is no way to bring some fresh air in here?" Dean asked waving.
"Air conditioned and door opened! You can't open the windows."
"Holy shit!... no pun intended" Dean said looking at the walls painted with poop.
"And today is not so bad…" Phil said.
"Can't they tie him?"
"He would shit on him so… poop on the walls or on him… they chose."
"Nice for us!"
"Yeah you're here just for one week don't complain. I have this every day! You understand me better now?"
"Well I had shit in West quarter too…but it wasn't such a master piece!" Dean put his gloves on and he started laughing.
Castiel jumped a little when he heard that sound. He's heard it before, a few months ago. He kept looking at the sky but he didn't stop listening. He liked that soft sound. He tilted his head… Has he ever done this too before?
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
She climbed the ladder and fell her face on the floor because of her dress at the top of it.
He felt a strange sensation in his gut and burst out laughing. He stopped when he saw the look on her face.
"You find this funny?" she asked angrily.
"I'm going to cure you from laughing because of people's bad luck!"
He stepped back and curled up against the wall looking at the floor.
"Look at me!"
She stepped forward hitting the whip on her leg in rhythm. It was her new favorite toy.
"Look at me!" she yelled and he had to look at her. "Was it a good laugh? It felt good?"
He shook his head, he was scared and he was staring at the whip.
"It won't be long…"
It was one of the rare times she whipped on his face. He felt his eyebrow's skin ripping. Blood fell down to his eye so he couldn't see so well. He wanted to touch it but she whipped on his forearm. Each move he made she hit him. It was the one and only time of his life he ever laughed. The scar on his eyebrow would forever be the mark of his laughter.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Phil paused in front of room 14.
"What is it?" Dean asked.
He looked inside and saw him standing at the window barefoot in his white pajamas. Dean looked at his notepad.
"Castiel." Dean frowned.
"The attic boy" Phil added.
"I've heard of that story."
"Yeah it was in the news a few months ago."
Dean looked at Phil "What? It's him?" he asked surprised. He looked inside one more time.
"But he's not a boy!"
"He's not an adult either." Phil added.
"What's his story?" Dean asked leaning against the wall and staring at Phil.
"We don't really know the details. Some kids found him when they entered his abandoned house to play around. He was so skinny it's a miracle he survived. The house's owner died and she had no family so nobody searched the house after she died."
"How is that even possible? You can't keep someone locked for so long without anybody to notice!"
Well… after all… people closed their eyes around him to not see he and his brother's pain though it was right in front of them. Dean looked at him a long time by the window again.
"So what's his problem?"
"As I told you we don't really know. He doesn't talk, he doesn't show any emotion except fear sometimes, he spends his days looking outside the window, he can't bare people's contact. It took weeks to finally be able to shave him and they had to be very quiet or he would freak out."
"Freak out?" Dean asked looking at Phil.
"He curled up against the wall and hit everyone. He can be strong when he wants even if he looks weak."
"Strength of distress." Dean whispered.
"What?"
"Nothing. Ok let's do this. This room is making me uncomfortable so the soonest it'll be done the better I'll feel."
"He's clean it won't be long."
"You're talking like he's a dog Phil."
"That's not what I meant though." He replied nodding for him to type the code. "We talk and talk but we still have ten rooms to clean!"
"Hello Castiel." Phil always greeted patients and said to Dean the manager ordered it, just to remember they were human beings and not numbers on a notepad.
"This is Dean, he will clean your room this week."
No reaction.
"Dean!" Phil insisted.
"Yeah hum… Hi Cas." Dean let out casually.
"Cas?" Phil noticed.
"Yeah that or something else… He doesn't care anyway."
He didn't look at him and stayed quiet although in every other room he asked Phil tons of questions about the patients. Phil observed him, he was working very fast.
"Dean is everything ok? Is he making you that uncomfortable?" Phil asked looking at Castiel who still hasn't move from the window.
"Done!" Dean finally said. "Let's go."
"Man!" Phil let out putting his things away. He pushed the cart out of the room.
"You forgot your rag on the table."
"Damn it!" Dean grumbled.
He quickly took it back and glanced at the window. Castiel was looking at him through the reflection. Dean read a nameless distress in his eyes and felt sick. Castiel was staring now.
Phil observed the scene, they were both looking at each other in the reflection. Castiel was finally sharing something with somebody else. Missouri was right. Phil smiled, he would really enjoy his free week!
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Mary asked him to come in her office. Missouri was here, standing nervously behind her desk.
"Sit down Phil."
He looked at them a bit worried. She opened some file.
"You know you still have a vacation to take?"
"Yes I wanted to take it two months ago but it turned out I couldn't."
He heard Missouri sigh.
"What is going on here?" Phil asked curious.
"What about next week?" Missouri suddenly asked.
Mary turned around and stared at her.
"What the hell?" Phil was now very uncomfortable.
"I'm going to be honest with you Phil" she sighed "Missouri would like… Castiel and Dean to meet each other." She exhaled and leaned in her chair.
Phil stared at her.
"Here it is." Mary said turning to Missouri "I told you it was a bad idea."
"I didn't say it was." Phil replied.
"Ah!" Missouri let out crossing her arms.
"And should I ask why?" Phil asked.
"Well because she is absolutely sure Dean is making Castiel react." Mary answered coldly.
"You saw it yourself!" Missouri defended. Mary scowled.
"Is that true?" Phil asked surprised.
"Yes." Missouri confirmed. "But Mary wants fate to do the rest." She added moving her hands.
"So am I fate now?" Phil joked.
"Well… your vacation is." Missouri replied.
"Stop it!" Mary said taking her head in her hands. "Do you realize that what is happening here is against all our profession's principles? We have rules to follow even if for some people here it seems to be something very hard to do. We can't play with people's life or emotions."
"But if it can let Castiel out of his silence…" Missouri dared.
"Missouri… do you realize what you're saying? Dean or not Dean there will be no miracle!"
"Your lack of faith is impressive Mary. I never said he would walk on water like Jesus-Christ I know that! But if he can open up a little…" Missouri turned around the desk "we won't lose anything trying." She pouted. "I've been a nurse for 35 years you could at least give me the benefit of the doubt."
"You care about him too much Missouri just be careful."
"Careful about what?"
Phil was observing them debating in front of him, half curious and amused.
"What are you really hoping for?"
They jumped remembering he was here.
"Missouri hoped Castiel will have more reactions after meeting this man."
"… as he already reacted when he saw him by the window." Missouri added with a proud smile on her face.
"And if it really works what will happen next?"
"Yes Missouri, you and your huge experience tell us what we'll do next as Dean has no degree to play Sigmund Freud!"
"We'll let fate decide. Dean's not alone we're here too!"
"It's a big risk."
"It's no risk at all, it's just a cleaner sympathizing with a patient, how is that bad? It wouldn't be the first time anyway. Outside people have already been part of healing process. I'll be satisfied even with a simple smile from Castiel." She winked.
Mary sighed "after all… it's only for a week."
"Do you care if I want to take that vacation or not?" Phil asked shyly twisting his fingers.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
"Dean"
He jumped. He didn't know how much time they stayed here looking at each other but when he got out of the room and looked back inside he knew something has changed in him. He saw in Castiel's eyes the same pain he's seen in Sam's eyes, or even in his own eyes when he was looking in a mirror. The look of people who lived the same hell but had no idea how to share it.
"See you tomorrow Cas…" he closed the door.
Dean had no interest for the last rooms and the last patients after that. He greeted them but he was sure he wouldn't even remember them the next day. Phil let him in his thoughts. He explained to him the different cases and the things he had to be careful about. Dean listened but didn't answer. He stayed in room 14.
They finished later than usual. Dean was very quiet. After they were done he couldn't resist looking at the door of room 14 on their way back. Phil noticed but didn't say anything. Dean would've denied it anyway. He offered him a coffee but Dean refused saying he was too tired.
"Have fun and get back in good shape!" Dean said to Phil in a fake happy voice.
Phil played along "Good luck for tomorrow! Watch out for the poop!"
Dean smiled "you brat!"
He crossed the yard and this time looked up searching for the third floor. He didn't see him but he felt he was here. Castiel put his forehead in the window.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Someone knocked.
"Come in!"
Phil stepped in the office.
"No need to wait for a whole week, fate strikes fast."
"What do you mean?" Mary asked fearing the answer.
"Love at first sight!" he joked.
"Phil!" Mary raised her voice.
"Missouri was right, they were made to meet."
"Alright… let's hope it won't lead to something bad."
"I think it's a good thing for both of them."
"A good thing?"
"They're both broken inside, it would be great if they could fix each other."
"Nice perspective." She replied nodding but still worried.
"Alright I'm going. See you next Monday .Call me if you need anything."
" Thank you Phil."
"It's ok. Bye." And he left.
Mary pushed a lock of hair off her forehead and sighed. What has she done? She usually was so clever and careful… Missouri was way too persuasive…
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Dean took his phone, hesitated a moment but finally dialed his number. It was the voicemail.
"Mr. Deveraux it's Dean Winchester. I wanted to talk to you but it's ok… I just want you to know everything is fine here and uh… thank you…for believing in me again." He paused "…bye!"
He hung up. He couldn't just ask an attorney some details about a patient just because they shared a look, it was dumb. Actually this whole story was dumb.
He needed to think about something else. He went out of his room with his magazine and locked in the bathroom. Hot water felt good, like a caress on his skin. He closed his eyes focusing on his magazine's pictures.
When he led his hand on his erection he suddenly saw his face… lying next to him…his look… his breath… his voice…
"Daddy will take care of you…"
He came in a raging voice falling in tears on the shower's floor. He curled up letting water purifying him and taking his pain away.
End of chapter V
Never forget that the abuses in this story are a reality not a fiction
Hope to see you in the next chapter….
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