Another day, another chapter. Sorry if this is really terribly proof-read, after day 2 of 5:45am starts and getting home at 6:00pm, I'm not quite on top of my game mentally! I don't even really think I've recovered from the 5 course meal (spending 13 hours at school that day..) my F&H class put up as our final group task put on for nearly 30 people which was a completely exhausting and exhilerating experience. Anyway, I've been putting off uploading this for a few weeks so just decided to bite the bullet and get it up. At least the extra time has allowed me to write another 3 chapters in advance, woo! :D

Since the last chap, Aus has changed Prime Minister's AGAIN for the third one in about six months (yes, politics in Australia is over optimum stability) after the election and booting out of K Rudd.

Thanks to the reviewers of the last chapter, enjoy!

Chapter 27 – Secret Fears

Cleo's POV

Lewis had been awake for three days already, yet each day had felt blended into the day before – there had been no distinctive achievements to define the days from each other. I was ecstatic for Lewis to be awake, but there had been no real change in his condition since the day he woke up.

They had been such an emotionally exhausting few days and after never really being able to recuperate from the turmoil of the waiting game, I could feel myself wearing thin.

Just as the days of waiting had blurred, the days of appointments and tests all might as well have been melded together in one great slab, with no great significance of one from another.

In the beginning I had tried pushing my little enthusiasm that I had left out to try and encourage my husband, but with each attempt, my dwindling fire of enthusiasm was being doused with cold water.

Through questions and tests the doctors had determined that as suspected, the Guillain-Barre had had no impact or effect on Lewis's memory or knowledge, instead only affecting his physical capabilities and muscles as the disease was known for.

Currently, he was sitting in the same bed that had acted as his home since being admitted to hospital, as a nurse spoon-fed him 'solids'. Doctors were impressed that he was able to consume such a food already, with his mouth being mobile enough for the task, but all I could see was how great of a back step it was from what the Lewis I knew and loved was able to do.

It wasn't a feat for him to be able to eat solids, as solid as apple puree off a spoon was, and all I could be reminded of was how Bella was excited once Allie started solid food. Allie… not Lewis. It wasn't right.

But regardless, I sat there, clapping Lewis's initial mouthful, offering him with positive praise and motivation of how proud I was of him and that he could keep going every now and then. His speech was still impaired, and yet to be restored, but I'd become accustomed to watching him, rather than listening. I'd been able to read my husband's expressions and understand the extent of what they told for a long time now, but it was only since he had woken up that I had focused so much on his eyes.

Now, his eyes were the mirrors to his heart, the telling of what he could not say and express.

As he continued eating, it was then that I noticed the look in his orbs. The weakness, the pain… It was almost as if he was telling me that I had let him down. And I had no idea as to why or how.

"We're going to take him off to physio shortly for a few assessments and muscle building exercises."

I looked over to Lewis briefly before responding to the nurse. "Does Lewis know? Did you tell him?"

"No, I thought I'd tell you first. He'll realize soon enough."

This was my cue to lose the plot completely unnecessarily for a rare moment of psycho-wife unreasonableness. I could sense the thin sheet of ice beneath me was wearing thin. "Just because he can't respond, it doesn't mean he can't hear you. Lewis is here too. Talk to him! He's still a person too, you know?!"

The nurse respectfully listened to my rant, obviously used to fruit loops like me, before apologizing and promptly leaving the room.

As I let my annoyance off my chest, that had all really been my dispute of how wrong the entire scenario was, not anything to do with the nurse, I sat down in one of the few seats I had been well accustomed to in Lewis' room.

"I'm sorry about that, Lewis…" I mumbled to the other person in the room, knowing that I would be left response-less as I noticed my helpless husband watching me from across the room. Despite the hazy and unclear new position we'd be thrown into from the illness, I could still see the life and pain in Lewis' eyes that had not changed at all, acting as the reminder that I needed for myself, more than the nurse did. He was still the same person. And now he was completely and helplessly aware of everything, which neither of us could do anything about as much as we wanted to.

Later that day, my family dropped in to visit, as both my own and Lewis's families had been doing frequently throughout the weeks since he had been brought to hospital.

Currently, Kim and Dad were in the room, making one-sided conversation to him, letting him know of all the current happenings that he had missed out on. Shamefully enough, I didn't know about half of what they had been talking about either, having lived in my own hermit-shell since the GBS had reared its ugly head.

I was listening to dad explain a few current news items; the Sydney father that had kidnapped his own child, the drugging of the South Australian cyclist and so on, when I felt a tap on my shoulder from Sam who had been quietly conservative and taking in the room from one of the corners where she had been leaning up against a wall.

"Want to come and keep me company for a few minutes?" my stepmother questioned as she subtly gestured to the door with the implication of travelling passed the doorway.

"Um, alright I guess…" I replied, receiving a warm smile in response from Sam as she took a step back from me. I left my favourite seat next to Lewis' bed and gently took his limp hand in mine. I didn't know whether he could even feel the small squeeze that I transmitted through his hand from mine.

"I'm sorry but you're going to have to put up with Kim, and dad's bad jokes on your own for a few minutes." I could see the smile that never surfaced on Lewis' lips through his eyes that lit up just that little more than how they were. "I'm just going out with Sam for a minute, Lewis, I'll be back in a few minutes."

I released the grip of his hand from mine and slowly took a few steps back to follow Sam out of the room. Entering the corridor and feeling the sensation of a hand latch onto my arm, I suspected I had just walked into the same trap that my dad, Lewis' mum and the girls had all pulled me into at one point or another.

"It's fantastic that Lewis is awake… But how are you coping, Cleo? I can only imagine how exhausting and difficult it would be having to see your husband like that."

I took a moment to exhale and consider not only what I would say to Sam, but also how it would come across. I was a little bit tired of sympathy. There are only so many times that you can hear: "you poor thing" before it begins exceeding your monthly quota.

"I'm okay… I'm glad that he's awake, but it's just a bit hard seeing him the way he is and seeing all the things he can't do for the time being. It's even worse being able to tell that he feels that way too, but there's nothing he can do to avoid me seeing him like that."

"I can understand that, but at least Lewis isn't a very proud person, so hopefully it's not too hard for him."

I nodded as I continued down the path that Sam was leading me. "Yeah, but I don't think that anyone wants people that they love and people that love them to see them looking more vegetable than normal, Sam…"

She stopped walking and remained still in one stop for a mere moment, almost as if she had been startled by my words, before managing to recover and remain on her path as if nothing had been said. If it hadn't been for the fact that I had seen her stop, I would never have even known.

"I know, Cleo. I'm sorry if it sounded like that. I know he still has dignity and nobody would want to be seen like that, but I was just trying to say that at least he doesn't value his pride so much so it would crush his spirits for him to know we're seeing him like that."

"Well perhaps you shouldn't have implied it if you didn't mean it."

Before the words had even completely fallen and slipped out of my mouth, before my stepmother even had time to react to the harsh snappy comment I had just dealt her, I had already realized what I had said and how unnecessary it was to be said to someone who was only trying to assist me with reassurance and comfort.

I realized it was the second time in a matter of a few hours that I had snapped at unnecessary and innocent bystanders. First the nurse, and now Sam…"

"I am so sorry, Sam. I'm the bad person here…"

Again, Sam stopped while I rhythmically followed her movements and stopped a moment later also. She placed her hand on my shoulder. "Oh Cleo... You're not a bad person. You are going through so much; standing by Lewis through this… that alone shows what a loving and good person you are. It was my fault for being a bit insensitive."

"How about we're both just trying to do our best?" I suggested and Sam's face reflected her positive reaction through a smile. "Deal."

After we had returned to Lewis' room, more tests and physical trials were being performed to assess Lewis's mobility.

My family had stayed to support me as the four of us watched on helplessly. It was like watching a car accident. You didn't want to see it, but it was impossible to tear your eyes away from it.

The occasional moments when our eyes met from my observational glances and Lewis's avoiding looks broke my heart. I could see in his eyes how depressed he was; I saw the look of him wishing that he were anywhere but right here then.

My dad, standing close to my side picked up on the emotional trauma, after catching a glimpse of the glance my husband and I shared, making an effort to comfort me by enveloping me in a half hug as his arm held my shoulder with a gentle squeeze.

I knew that my father was only trying to be of help, of a comfort and show support to me, but the touch and squeeze was what I had not expected to push me over the edge, both of us, seeing the further pain in Lewis' eyes as he saw the comfort and support I needed, solely from watching him.

It just was not supposed to be like this, and I could not take it being like this. Instead, I fled the room as subtly as I could to hide the fact that I was upset and to mask my struggle at not being able to handle seeing Lewis like that anymore, for his sake.

"Oh Cleo…" I heard, distinguishing from my knowledge of the voice, even without a glance that it was my father that had spoken. I hadn't realized that he had even left the room to join me in the hallway. "I wish that you didn't have to see him like that. I would honestly do anything in my power to avoid it, sweetheart."

I didn't reply. I felt like the most ungrateful brat for feeling such a way, but I was sick to death of all the sympathy. At the end of the day, no one and no amount of sympathies ever came close to making things right again… And that was what I needed.

Spending a few more moments to comfort me, dad digressed back to reassurance, reminding me the tests were only trying to evaluate the damage and how badly the Guillain-Barre had affected him. "They're only trying to work out the extent of the disease. At this stage there's still a lot of hope and who knows… hopefully after the worst of the symptoms are over and the paralysis eases off, the recovery could be really quick. He could be back to normal within a matter of months.

"Or it could take years and years!" I screeched out as my throat cut my thoughts off, being all that could be voiced. After the momentary sting was over, I continued, letting each and every one of my greatest fears that I had kept bottled up and pushed below the surface with the façade of hope for my husband to experience a miracle recovery. A miracle recovery really would have to be just that, a miracle, complete with no more of the mental, emotional and physical trauma, restoring our lives to our day-to-day lifestyle which I regretted not cherishing with every ounce of gratitude within me while I had the chance to do so, from living the undesired alternative.

"There's still a chance, that he's never going to be able to walk again, Dad, and no guarantee that he will!" I choked through the tears that were battling against my willpower, choking on the implications of those words that I had barely allowed to pass through my mind in the first place.

The look on his face said every single word that my dad was not brave enough to say or cold-hearted enough to admit that he knew it just as well as I did. "Sweetheart, you can't keep thinking the worst. I know that it is hard, but you just have got to hope for the best and deal with it when it comes to that if the worst case scenario does come about."

"Have you been there? Have you seen Lewis for the last few weeks?! He has been completely paralysed and struggles to hardly even open his eyes! How is that not the worst, already?! I don't know how much more I can take of this, seeing him like that… I can't bring myself to sit next to his bed, watching him like that, having a one-sided conversation with him telling him that everything's going to be okay when I don't even believe that myself."

I looked in the general direction of the hospital room that I had grown to know well recently, being prompted to continue. "And have you seen his eyes?! He hates this! I can see in his eyes how hard it is for him. He can tell I'm lying through my teeth when I try to reassure him, dad... I just can't do this anymore. I can't see him like that."

"I know Cleo" my dad replied, supporting me in his arms as he smoothed a piece of hair with a gentle stroking motion as he would have done for me when I was a little girl, grumbling to my father about how I couldn't sleep. I wished I was that Cleo again, completely oblivious to all of the pain and heartache the world could deal out, while any sticky situation was supported by the belief that my dad could fix it.

"I can see how hard it is on both of you. You shouldn't have to be going through this, neither of you should be. But if it's hard for you seeing Lewis like that, not being sure what do or say, imagine how he is feeling. At least you have options, sweetheart, you have us. He has no outlet or way of discussing his fears. That's why he needs your hope, he needs you… He needs to see your hope and then he might start believing it."

So thoughts and feelings on the chapter? Hope you enjoyed it, I knew a few people were waiting for Clewis.

Although I don't finish until the end of October, I cannot believe that I only have 17 school days left of my life. Who would have thought that it ever ends, but that it also happens so quickly! With assignments and school wrapping up forever, you can expect slightly more regular updates now!

Next chapter: In an attempt to push away their mutual fears, Will and Rikki focus on acknowledging each other's hesitations.