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CHAPTER 11: THE DECISION
His hands crossed behind his neck, lying on his bed, Dean was staring at the ceiling… he couldn't sleep. He looked at his nightstand and sighed. A second later he was sitting in his bed, leaning on his elbows with his head in his hand.
It all depended on him now… It was his decision.
He suddenly doubted about what was so obvious a few days ago.
Missouri entered room 14 to serve breakfast. The subtle lemon smell in it let her know Dean was here a few minutes ago. She smiled and looked at Castiel who was still standing near the window as always.
She put the plate on the table and noticed the book was gone. She looked quickly around her in the room but didn't find it… it was really gone. She looked at the window's reflection but Castiel wasn't looking so she sat, a little sad and disappointed.
"One simple move could have changed something, you know…" she whispered.
He didn't react.
"Come here and eat, Castiel." She said trying to cover up the disappointment in her voice in vain.
During all the time he ate, he didn't look at her once. She thought about it and noticed she had no particular contact with Cas since…
She frowned and leaned her head on the wall facing Castiel.
"… since he's in charge of East quarter and he's taking care of you…" she thought out loud.
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Dean sat on the front steps as he liked to do after all his shifts. It was a good way for him to evacuate the stress. He found coffee when he walked by the kitchen, smiling at Suzanne who was there reading a magazine and drinking her tea. She had no time to reply that he was already gone.
He ran into Missouri in the lobby.
"Dean can I talk to you a few minutes?"
He sighed but stopped to listen what she had to say.
"What?"
"Did something go wrong with Castiel this morning?" she asked noticing Dean's bad mood.
He tilted his head and looked up to her.
"…Pardon?" he said surprised.
"The book… you took it back from him, right? Why? What happened? I need to know, nothing personal but we all need to understand his reactions if we want to help and…"
"I did not take anything back." He interrupted her harshly. "When I give something I never take it back even if the one I give it to seems to don't give a shit about it."
Dean thought he saw a tiny smile on Missouri's face at that moment.
"Except you and me, nobody came in his room."
"Yes so?"
She looked at him in the eyes.
"It means it's him…"
"Or a nurse passing by." Dean objected, not wanting to feel any hope.
"I asked everyone… Armand just checked the room by the window, nothing more."
"Well… at least now you know what gift you'll buy him for Christmas." Dean said ironically.
He stepped away and let Missouri here, completely dazed.
Dean wanted to scream his happiness and his frustration at the same time. He was so close and tomorrow it would be over!
His eyes on his coffee, he jumped when his phone rang… Gaby.
He put his mug on the stair and stood up to take the call.
"Hey Gab!"
"Hi Dean! Still content in the crazy hospital?" he joked.
"I'm ok." Dean replied without playing his game.
"I have the time of the fight and I know who your opponent is. You wanna know?"
"Should I?" he smiled.
"Billy Joe."
"The one-eyed Billy Joe?"
"Yep, himself! Back after five months out, he must be in pretty good shape you'll have to be careful!"
Dean was staring at the third floor without even noticing it.
"Dean? Are you still here? Have you heard what I said?"
"I heard, Gab."
"And that's all?"
"Well I'm not the one who blinded him one eye right?"
"Sure, not really… but the guy in the audience wouldn't have if you haven't made him lose 5000$ winning against him. He could be pissed at you and bite for that."
"I'll have to bite harder then. And I'll pray for him to not turn completely blind."
He heard Gaby laughing on the phone.
"That's my Rage! But still… be careful, he's bigger now. I heard he trained and now he breaks men like you'd break wood."
"Good for him. Where will we fight?"
"In an abandoned motel, four hours from here."
"Damn! Four hours?" he complained.
"Meet me at my apartment and we'll drive you ok? You can sleep in the car that way."
"Good. Have you thought about my little favor?"
"Yeah Melvin is on the list don't worry. I'll email you the address, you can give it to him. It will start at 9 pm."
"Ok. Thank you Gab."
"I'll wait for you at 2 pm is that ok for you?"
"Yes. I have nothing planned anyway."
"See you tomorrow then."
"See ya Gab."
"Bye… and take care of yourself." Then he hung up.
Dean stayed here with his phone in his hands, still looking at the third floor. He couldn't see Castiel but he knew he was at the window observing him.
After a few seconds he put his phone back in his pocket and sat back on the stair with his coffee. He needed to clear his head if he wanted to be ready for tomorrow. Billy Joe was a very serious opponent and Gaby was right about one thing: he would be mad at him even if he wasn't directly responsible for the loss of his eye. He had five months to ponder his revenge and Dean had to admit he lost a bit of that rage he used to fight in the Cage.
When he let Sam go he lost a part of his dad's influence and the rage was gone with it. He needed to find something else to get it back. It was just sleeping inside him and he needed it to win.
He felt someone's presence behind him.
"I don't want to talk now, Missouri."
"Talk about what, Dean?"
He turned around surprised, Mary was looking at him tenderly. He stood up.
"Mary?" he said a bit suspicious.
"Can I talk to you? It won't be long."
"Man this is the talking day…" Dean joked sitting back.
She gripped her skirt and sat with him.
"I've been thinking a lot about our last talk."
He took a sip of his coffee, staring at his Impala parked in the alley. When she noticed he would stay quiet she searched her pocket and got a badge out of it, turning it nervously between her fingers.
"Let's make a deal, Dean… you take it or you leave it."
"I don't…"
"Wait for me to explain at least!" she interrupted him. "What I'm about to do is totally the opposite I should do, it goes against all my principles. I don't know where it will lead but Missouri is right: Castiel deserve a chance, even if it's a tiny one. I love him very much, as I love a lot of my patients here. In his eyes you can see…"
She couldn't find the right words and stared at the badge to regain her composure.
"… the physical abuse and more… the psychological abuse led him to a whole new word he created. It helped him surviving all those years of hell, but it also made him totally unable to deal with reality."
She pulled a hair lock away on her back.
"Except Missouri, nobody here succeeded at getting reactions from him, and he never accepted any contact… until you arrived in his life."
She sighed deeply. He turned to look at her and met her eyes.
"You did in a few days what Missouri did in months: you made him conscious of the real word. He observes you for hours… and he probably is right now. He looks at you and he sees you, and more important: you saw the human being first, not the patient… you just see him as he is. I think our mistake with such a critical case, this mystery he was and still is, was to forget to look at him beyond the madness he reflects. I have to admit it was my fault first."
She looked away and stared at the badge.
"You managed to touch him with your heavy past reflecting on your face… or should I say you both managed to."
Dean smiled.
"I have something to propose and I want you to think about it before you give me an answer."
He interrogated her with his eyes.
"This is a visitor badge. You'll have to show it each time you'll go to the East quarter, and the nurse in charge will give you or not the authorization to enter."
She saw Dean's hands gripping his mug tighter.
"Visits are planned every day of the week between 3 pm and 5 pm, and the weekend between 3 pm and 6.30 pm. You'll have to choose three or four random days a week and you won't say which ones to Castiel. He will know you'll come but he won't know when exactly."
Dean stayed quiet.
"You'll have to inform me personally, or through Garth or Missouri, about every significant change in Castiel's behavior."
She saw Dean tensing.
"Are you asking me to spy on him?"
"This is a psychiatric hospital, Dean. We're here to cure people in case you didn't notice. I'm not asking you to spy on him as you say, nor to report everything you share, that's not my point and this is private. But you have to understand your connection with him is the only chance we have to try to get him out of the silence and the pain he's locked in."
Dean stood up and put his coffee on the stair. He walked a few steps and stopped turning his back to her.
"If I understand well, you're giving me the authorization to see him but under some conditions?"
"Yes. Take it or leave it as I said before."
"I can't accept this… I would feel like I betray him, he will notice it and he will be locked forever. Thank you but no. I would end this today rather than risking losing him forever, because as you said, I see him as a human being."
He turned to face her.
"What you're asking me to do now is not human."
She stood up with an unreadable expression on her face.
"He's suffering, Dean… and we can't do anything to help. You think it's more human to leave him in his pain like that?"
"This was what you thought yesterday right?" Dean said harshly "You're the one who said he was better alone than with a guy like me who could abandon him in six months… you're the one who didn't trust us!" Dean almost screamed.
"Us?" Mary pointed out.
Dean froze.
"We have to be at least two people to make it and win this… this is what this connection is all about, but you can't understand that, you don't know what it is to suffer and to be alone, to have nobody to talk about it. You don't know what it is to live hell and to wish for heaven. Your eyes betray you, they're shining with happiness. People don't see because they don't want to see. People know but they stay quiet. That detachment killed my brother but I won't let it kill Cas you hear me? If I betray him he will die and I can't survive knowing this!" Dean yelled.
A long and heavy silence settled.
"It is precisely because I don't want to be a part of this detachment that I'm asking for your help, Dean."
She stood up and handed him the badge.
"I'll keep my conditions. Take time to think about it. Don't answer now being angry, we'll talk about it next Monday. If you're not decided on Monday, just know I'll keep my proposition open, but if you don't make a choice the badge won't be necessary."
He was standing here refusing to take the badge. She put it on the first step.
"Think about him before you think about both of you."
She climbed the last stairs and disappeared inside. Dean stayed a few minutes not moving, trying to take control of his emotions. He finally stepped forward, took the badge and read it: "Visitor: Winchester; Dean. Delivered by Dr Mary Campbell."
He put it in his back jean's pocket, took his coffee and looked up to the third floor. He smiled and came back inside.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Dean left without a look. Castiel turned around and touched his chin with his fingertips. He looked at the table and the book on it.
"This is for you, Castiel." The words resonated in his head.
He stepped forward and sat down, hands on his knees. He stared at the cover… some birds' flight shadow on the moon. He tilted his head, lifted his hand near the table and stopped when it was at the edge of it. He put his fingers on it and didn't dare moving further.
He remembered the beating, the pain and the screams. It was louder than his inner voice telling him to touch it. He looked at the door: nobody.
He slowly and carefully slid his fingers on the table until they were touching the book cover. He laid his hand on it and closed his eyes caressing it slowly with his thumb.
He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
The skylight and the birds flying above his prison… freedom. He was flying with them in the huge blue shy, closing his eyes and listening to their singing. They were leaving every autumn, and were coming back every spring, one other reason to like these seasons even more.
Only a few chickadees and blackbirds were faithful to his loneliness.
One morning he was woken up by a high scream. Lying on the floor in his old blanket full of holes, he looked around and saw it: a baby bird. He probably fell from his nest. Chickadees were living in his kingdom, he was hearing them singing, fighting or flying but he never saw them. They were living in the same prison, but not on the same side of the gate.
He crawled and put his face on his hands, observing the tiny featherless creature struggling on the floor. He noticed it was bleeding and its screams were weaker and weaker… he was dying because of the fall. He looked at it in the eyes when it died, he came closer and covered it with his hand in a protective reflex. He wanted to guide him toward death.
She arrived in the attic and saw him on the floor. She put the breakfast on the table and his body tensed.
"What the…"
She came closer and crushed the tiny bird under her foot. He shut his eyes tight, horrified in front on the bird's splashed body sticking at her shoe.
"Don't you dare do that again. You hear me?"
She crouched down and lifted his chin.
"Those creatures steal souls… stay away from them!" she said in a soft tone but he perceived her anger anyway.
She stood up, took the napkin in the plate and wrapped the bird in it before putting it in her apron's pocket.
"Come to eat now. Come on get up!" she ordered.
He looked at her apron the whole time, picturing the lifeless crunched body in the pocket.
"Soul thieves…" he smiled internally. He found the way to escape hell.
He adored those creatures as they were the symbol of freedom. He was closing his eyes and put his soul on their wings for them to fly away with it.
This was what saved him. He didn't need to go out of that attic, they were protecting him from the outside world. She and her companion were the only images he had from the real world. He was free inside those walls in his own way.
But since a few months, since he saw a bit of the outside world through this man's eyes, the noises, the smell, those walls started to fall down piece by piece. Another form of fear came inside him: the fear of the unknown.
The hospital was another prison to him. He was tied to the bed as he was in his attic, trapped in the nurse's look that was blinding him with her weird tool. He lived it as a whole new hell, maybe worse than the previous one because he couldn't find his place. In this world he may not have any place at all…
The doctors observed him like he was a mystery. He found in their look the same interest he had when he was observing spiders building their webs. They were admiring the web forgetting there was a tiny insect trapped in it.
And then she arrived with her long hair falling on her shoulders. He felt her staring at him but refused to meet her eyes. She was looking at the trapped insect… the hurt creature.
Since that day she wouldn't stop trying to free him from the web around him, but he was feeling protected in his web even if it was painful. He knew his prison so well, he knew every detail of it. He built it for years and didn't want to destroy it to be trapped in another unknown one.
But he caught that weird black skinned woman's eyes even if she was scary the first time he saw her. She almost looked like the devil he saw in one of her books. Missouri smiled and he let go, he was feeling things deeper than anyone else. He knew she was the hidden side of the outside world.
He let his eyes looking at her… it was a very particular look, and it was a way for him to say "I'm alive" behind his walls. He was still hiding though.
And then Dean arrived and something in him broke. Since their first look he knew Dean had found the key to his prison, but the walls were so high and so strong! He didn't know how to go out, and he didn't even know if he wanted to.
The outside world… the unknown… and that woman watching the door even if she was dead. Would he know how to get rid of her? And outside… would it look like the blue sky of his prison or would it look like the trapdoor of his hell?
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
He looked down at the book. He knew when he opened it he was crossing a line, stepping in the unknown. His whole body was shaking and he felt something wet in his pants. He was nauseous and dizzy… he was just full of terror.
He saw a picture of a black bird, his feathers reflecting the moon light. Castiel opened the book and fate brought him a crow, messenger of Gods and souls keeper… a place between hell and earth.
His face lightened and he felt a strange warmth in his eyes: a single tear fell down his cheek. He was staring at the bird which was staring back at him.
He suddenly closed the book, he was losing control. He tilted his head and started swaying.
A crack appeared on one of his walls… a nameless pain. He stood up and hid the book under his pillow. He walked toward the window and saw him, meeting his gaze. He observed him… and her. He stole his smile and crouched down to lean against the wall, his head in his knees.
He slept in his bed that night, holding the book from under his pillow. He dreamt about a birds' flight near the moon, and about a green eyed crow.
Dean took the badge in his hand… he wouldn't betray him… not like that.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
He ate half of his breakfast, he had a knot in his stomach. He hadn't slept all night even after his decision was made. He wasn't free, he was nervous because this decision, they would both make it.
He climbed the stairs to the third floor for the last time with his cart. Phil would come back on Monday and Dean wondered why he couldn't work on the weekend too. At least he would have one more day in the East quarter, to see Liliana one last time, to make his excuses a hundredth time to Charles who was still running from him like he had plague, to avoid Edward as well as he always did after their one and only meeting, and to be with Castiel one last time because after that he probably wouldn't see him anymore.
He sighed opening the first gate and started his last shift. He took time to say goodbye to every patients he met. He checked at the schedule to see who would be present in the room this time… except for Edward who painted all his room's walls with poop. Nice end for a week!
He sang for everyone that day, some blues songs in a desperate way hanging to his last hope.
When he arrived in front of room 14 he took the badge Mary gave him out of his pocket, looked at the small window and smiled between sadness and tenderness. He put it back in his pocket and typed the code to enter.
"Hi Cas!"
He didn't react but Dean didn't care. He walked in the bathroom and cleaned quickly to not lose any time. When he turned around after he was finished, Castiel was not here. He looked in the room and noticed he hadn't moved from the window. He felt sad and stepped in the room looking at the window's reflection but Castiel seemed to be somewhere else. Did he have to do that on their last day together?
He quickly cleaned the room's floor and when he was done he stepped toward Castiel to lean near the window next to him. He looked at the same direction he was staring at… nothing.
A long moment of silence settled. There was absolutely no noise except the sound of their breathing. Then Dean broke it:
"Cas I need to talk to you. I don't know if you'll understand but… I have no other option. I need to know."
He looked at Castiel who was now staring down at the window's edge. He took the badge out and showed it to him.
"This is a badge I should use to come to see you. Mary gave it to me and she said I could visit you… you understand?" he asked softly still facing him.
"I will be able to come back here" he said pointing the place with his finger.
"But there is a condition…" he looked outside "I would have to betray us…" he whispered.
"She wants to help you like everyone else here. She knows…" he searched for the right words "She knows about our… connection."
He laughed inside… it sounded so awkward, but he needed simple words to make Castiel understand what he was asking. Has he ever taken a single decision in his life? That wasn't certain.
He showed the badge again.
"With this I can come to see you but I will have to tell her how you're doing and I will have to tell her all about our visits, do you understand what I mean? I don't want you to think I will come only for that… I will come only for you, because I want to see you, because I like your silences more than words, and because we have something… different. But I need you to let me know you're ok with it, Cas."
He begged him with his eyes.
"You need to do something… I need it… I need to know. We have to take this decision together, you understand?" he insisted, but Castiel didn't react.
"Shit, Cas! You're not making things easier, you know that?"
He stepped away and arranged his cart.
"Ok… as you want. I'm going to give the badge back to Mary." He said in a broken voice. He was sad, disappointed and angry at them.
He had not enough time, how could Castiel possibly understand what was going on? Did he get Dean wouldn't come back anymore? How to communicate with someone so closed for so long? He could read things in his looks, but not everything!
He needed more time to find a way to communicate but they didn't give them any opportunity to find it. All of this had been such a waste of time! He clenched his cart tight to avoid screaming his frustration.
He was about to leave when he heard Castiel move. He hesitated to turn around, and when he did Castiel was not here as he wished. He caught sight of his shadow near the bed and looked: he was holding the book in his hand.
Castiel slowly looked up to find Dean's eyes.
"Damn it Cas…" he felt tears in his eyes.
He felt distress in Dean's voice. He was always feeling people's pain. He observed Dean without him to notice because he was staring at his badge. It looked like the ones on Missouri and Garth's jacket, except it wasn't the same color.
He was using simple words, Castiel knew that, but he couldn't understand… what did "decision" mean?
"Together"… he knew that word's meaning… Dean and him.
"Betray"… whatever that word meant he didn't like the negativity he felt in Dean's voice when he pronounced it.
He understood he was about to leave too, and he had to hold him back but didn't know how and then… the book!
He went to his bed and lifted his pillow hoping he would understand, because he didn't know how to say it with words anymore. He couldn't show what he felt either because he didn't even understand all of these new emotions.
The book…
He looked up to meet Dean's eyes… he understood.
Castiel screamed his "Don't leave me!" with just a move but it meant more than words.
Dean rubbed his neck nervously trying to hold his tears back.
"Good." That's all he managed to say. One more word and he would let go.
"See you on Monday then?" he said smiling.
Castiel tilted his head.
"See you soon" he said remembering Mary's advice on his visit's days… don't tell him, don't leave him in certitude but in expectation, to not disappoint him when he couldn't come. But did Castiel have notion of days or time?
He smiled.
"Bye Cas."
Dean understood and would not leave him.
He wouldn't be alone anymore… one more crack in his wall and he saw the light of his eyes through it. Castiel wanted to smile but he wouldn't dare… he forgot how to do it anyway, it's been a while since he smiled and he never did it much.
Fear was still too big and was taking too much place, almost all of the place.
Dean left but took his time. He gave him one last look for today, Castiel was still standing at the same spot, the book in his hands, looking to the future.
He closed the door and leaned against it. The decision was made and Castiel made it for him… for them.
He turned and looked inside. Castiel was still here but his look was empty. He was gone again.
End of chapter XI
Thank you to have read this chapter
Hope to see you Saturday for the next one….