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That touches me a lot

Thank you

CHAPTER 14: FINGERTIPS

Dean was leaning against the Impala parked in front of St Gerry Hall's gates, his hands in his pockets, thinking about everything that leaded him here. A tsunami turned his life in less than three weeks and destiny dealt the cards again.

He gave up on the Cage and left his rage and a part of his guilt in it. Of course Sam was always with him, in his mind. It was an open wound bleeding at each memory, because whether he wanted it or not he couldn't help thinking he could've done more to save his brother.

He knew Mary and Deveraux were right: it was Sam's choice and Dean had nothing to do with it but Sam was his blood and he should've been more present for him, he should've been more aware of his distress.

He couldn't help and compared his situation with his blue-eyed friend calling for help with his look… that look he didn't see in his brother's eyes, the will to be saved from madness. He understood what he saw in Sam's eyes was only farewell.

He would never judge his brother for the choices he made. Sam was dead but he was alive. What was the point in dwelling on this past he couldn't change? He just wanted to avoid making the same mistakes and this was the reason why he ran out of St Gerry Hall the day before when he realized how big the responsibility of all this was. It could have terrible consequences.

He closed his eyes and remembered his night with Nina... Her blond hair caressing his face when she was making love to him though he didn't even know the meaning of those words… He let himself go between her arms, he allowed himself to love and to be loved.

When she laid on him he didn't push her away, another wall of his prison broke and he realized it when he decided to stay in the room instead of leaving as he always did, without a look for the girls.

When he woke up that morning, Nina was still here but the other girl was gone. She was sleeping on his chest and he couldn't help but pulled his face in her hair which made her wake up and look at him.

"Thank you." He kissed her on her forehead and hugged her like she was a precious gift.

A crazy man opened his soul and a prostitute opened his heart… his world changed.

Destiny had slapped him to open his eyes.

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He took his phone to call St Gerry Hall and let them know he would be late because he overslept… it was not a total lie after all. He just didn't want people to think he gave up.

On his way back he stopped at a storage room he rent after his parent's death. A few souvenirs were locked in it among clothes, his vinyl records collection, a few audio tapes and some CDs. He spent a lot of afternoons in this place listening old blues music breaking his heart. He was just sitting on a wood case, in the dark, with his old tape/CD player on a suitcase. It didn't matter the audio was poor quality, Dean was looking for the emotion only music could bring him.

He saw it against the wall in its black leather protection case and he smiled, a little sad. His past was all dirty.

9:45 am… he thanked Suzanne who started cleaning the rooms of West quarter for him. This and his smile were for her the best reward. He finished his shift at 1 pm.

Castiel saw him getting out of his car… Dean… He held on to his gaze when he looked up at his window.

Why?... Why did he need him and his presence so much?

He didn't understand this emotion clenching his heart, he had no words for it. He'd felt it before with Missouri, that need to touch her and to know what it was like to feel someone else's skin without being scared or sick of it.

He pulled his fingers to his lips and closed his eyes. He could still feel her fingers on it, her warmth.

And suddenly he saw that evil smile coming closer to him and taking his lips giving him a bitter kiss that made him nauseous.

He leaned his back against the wall remembering those times, she was here, right in front of him, her hand extended to his face, her evil grin… it was like having a nightmare being awake. That hand leaning on his chest in a long and cold caress, she came closer and closer and he could smell her. He tensed against the wall turning his look away, staring at the ceiling and searching for the skylight… and then he felt the wet warmth between his legs.

Full of shame, he slid against the wall and he let his eyes fell into emptiness.

Missouri opened the door and found him like that, and the smell couldn't leave any doubt about what happened. She put the plate on the table and came closer to him.

"Castiel?"

At that moment she just wanted to shout because she felt useless, she couldn't get him out of his hell. Why did she study so long and worked so many years if she still was so useless in front of such distress? She couldn't even move.

She got out of the room and came back a few minutes later with clean clothes in her hands. She crouched down and tried to catch his look.

"Castiel…"

This voice… this call…he slowly turned his look on her… she was smiling, erasing the fear in his blue eyes.

"It's ok, Castiel. It was an accident."

She tried to lean her hand on his knee to comfort him but Castiel curled up refusing any contact. Missouri sighed sadly.

"I'm going to put your pajamas in the bathroom alright?" she said with a shaky voice, unable to hide the sadness she felt seeing him like that.

She stood up and went to the bathroom. When she came back, lost in her own thoughts, she jumped: he was standing right in front of her, almost violating her personal space, staring deeply. Time stopped…

He slowly lifted his hand and carefully extended it toward her. Missouri froze.

He stopped half-way, his hand up between his face and hers. She could feel the warmth of his hand as it was a few inches from her face.

He brought his hand back to him and his look got lost again. Missouri stepped away to let him go to the bathroom, her eyes full of tears. When she pulled her hand to her face, one tear fell down her cheek.

A few minutes later he came back from the bathroom with his hair wet, Missouri was sitting at the table, she lifted the plate cover and he sat down without looking at her. For a moment she thought all of this was just her imagination playing tricks.

The door opened and she saw Phil entering with a mop. He greeted Missouri, she called him before he finished his shift. She pointed the window and he cleaned quietly. They could only hear the noise of the fork in his plate.

"Thank you, Phil."

"You're welcome." He gave her a weak smile and left.

She turned to Castiel.

"See? It was nothing."

But Castiel was gone.

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Dean didn't eat and had only a coffee. He couldn't help thinking about last weeks over and over again.

What happened?

He didn't feel like himself anymore… or maybe it was the opposite? Maybe he finally found himself? The Dean buried deep under years of revolt, rage, hate, disgust, guilt and unanswered questions.

Each day was a new occasion to turn a page, he felt he was getting out of his body to turn into someone else. He was fighting to emerge from under all those layers and to finally reach the light he was starting to see… like a second birth.

It didn't make him feel better though… every birth bring some pain. He knew he would still have to deal with his past, it was unavoidable, but when he woke up that morning he thought maybe he did the hardest part… open up.

He left money on the nightstand and regretted it a bit, he felt bitter about it. Nina came closer and hugged him, smiling and pulling her fingers in Dean's face. He closed his eyes. Then she stepped away, took the money and put it in one of her drawers. Dean sat on the bed and started to put his clothes on. When she came back to him she lifted his chin with her hand, she smiled, she stared at him and it was like an invitation, a pure and gentle move. She leaned and kissed him… love.

He stood up and gave his plate back, then he got outside glancing at his car before checking his watch… 2 pm! He looked up to him… in less than an hour they would meet again and that perspective scared him one more time.

He would have to cover up the silences and keep the one-way conversation going… but he usually was so quiet! What if their friendship stays like that forever: sharing looks? What if he never makes the first move to come toward him, or to let Dean go to him? How much time would he accept those silences and those lost looks?

He sighed… he would deal with it when it'd happen. Now he just needed time. Today he knew he could take that time because there was a future for Castiel whether he wanted it or not.

He went back to his place and stretched out on the bed, staring at the ceiling and smiling to himself. He felt free, like he had wings. The cage's bars and the walls saved him… Prisons are not all hell.

After a while he went to his car, opened it, hesitated a moment but caught the black leather case making weird nervous noise with his tongue.

He entered St Gerry Hall and Armand, who was walking out to smoke, looked at him a little suspicious. Dean smiled at him and kept walking.

He stepped nervously while he was waiting for the elevator to open, he felt nervous he thought he was really ridiculous… he looked like a teenager at his first date! He laughed.

"Some funny memory?"

He turned around and saw Suzanne.

"Not really…"

He looked at the red light of the elevator.

"You're going to see Castiel?"

"You can't hide anything in this place…" he said sarcastically.

"Let's just say it's rare to see a staff member becoming a visitor."

"Well it will start with me then." He pushed the elevator's button again, a little annoyed.

"You should relax, you know… you look like you're about to explode." She said smiling at him.

"That's because I probably will."

He looked at her with a questioning look.

"Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

She stepped closer.

"You're attached to Castiel and it seems he's attached to you too, in his own way. Why sharing this connection would be a mistake? Since when liking someone is a mistake?"

The elevator's door opened breaking the silence her questions brought.

"You're right." He said stepping in. "Oh and thanks again for the help this morning. I owe you one!" he said pushing the first floor's button.

"My pleasure." She waved at him and he answered by a wink and a smile.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Garth opened the first gate for him. He greeted him and led him to the staff room to make him sign the register.

"When you'll leave you'll have to come back here, write the time and sign again."

"That's totally stupid." He said taking the pen Garth was handing him.

He signed and sighed.

"You're gonna be ok?"

"Yeah I will have to." He said taking the black case back… "Am I allowed to bring it?"

"I don't see any reason to forbid it… as long as the other patients don't have an excessive reaction." He tapped his shoulder. "Ready?"

"I feel like an idiot, I have shaky legs, dry mouth… though it's just a stupid visit."

"Don't worry it's all gonna be ok. Just be yourself." He winked.

Garth opened the second gate and let him enter.

"I'll be in the day room if you need me."

"Thanks, Garth."

"Anytime"

Dean watched him leave, he was now alone in the middle of the long corridor among screams and moans of some patients. He looked down at his shoes and stepped forward.

When he arrived in front of room 14's door he sighed, put the black leather case on the floor and looked inside. He was here as always, at the window in his white pajamas and barefoot. A smile appeared in Dean's face… he wasn't wrong.

Just seeing him made him lose all doubts and all fear. It didn't matter if he would never get out of his silence or rather stay in his own reality, Dean just wanted to be a part of his life and if Castiel didn't want to come to him, Dean would come to Castiel. He would learn to be patient… it was something he never knew.

He typed the code and the door opened. He caught the case and entered.

"Hi Cas!" he said putting it on a chair.

He looked at the window and felt relieve: he was looking at him through the reflection, and even if Dean was not sure it was real, he could see a sparkle in his eyes. But he stayed careful because maybe it was only what he wanted to see, nothing more. He looked down smiling: he would also have to learn how to see things as they truly are and not as he wanted them to be.

When he looked back up, Castiel was lost again. A few minutes of heavy and awkward silence settled… what now?

He took a deep breath, he just needed to stop thinking and let things happen. He needed to do something without automatically thinking about the consequences. He had to act with his instinct, it worked well with Castiel until now and it was probably the reason why he reached out to him.

He stepped toward the window and stood by his side. Castiel was staring at nothing… or maybe he was staring at something only he could see. Dean just stayed here next to him, he could hear him breathe, he could feel the warmth.

He randomly looked at the sky.

"They say it's gonna rain tomorrow… summer is over and it's a good thing because I like autumn better, it's my favorite season."

He sighed again.

"I like the smell of the autumn rain mixing with leaves… I like walking and hearing them crack under my shoes, it reminds me of my childhood… Sam and I… we were always having fun with leaves when we were going back from school. You should try some day, you know…Autumn is magical… all these colors, the wind blowing everything away, everything dies to reappear the next year."

He turned a bit and met Castiel's eyes. He was listening and looking at him talk, his forehead against the window. He was letting Dean's voice wrap him and lull him. He was smelling him and feeling his warmth. He was just here sharing his space without feeling any fear.

He didn't understand every word he said but he felt the emotion in Dean's voice. He wanted to see them on Dean's face and in his eyes.

Dean leaned his forehead on the window too and turned to Castiel to meet his eyes again, and he saw he was peaceful.

There was no anger in his green eyes, just peace. Castiel wanted to touch him to check it was real and finally finish the move he didn't make with Missouri.

He tilted his head and Dean smiled.

And just like that fear came back and invaded his body and his mind. He looked away and stared at the black shape in the yard. He was lost again.

It was a tiny victory for Dean… a very tiny one. It didn't last long but it was important to him anyway because he knew Castiel was still here, and he knew he would found the patience he needed, one of these days he would keep his eyes on him and he wouldn't look away. It was worth it.

He stepped back and went to the table. He took the black case and put it on the bed. He unzipped it and took the guitar off the case. A flow of memories came to him.

His guitar… he stared at it so many time, locked in the black case when he was listening to music in the storage room. He never found the guts to play it again. For who? For what? Who cares?

He loved music, it was vital to him. It saved him as the Cage did but in a different way. He was still singing though… it was like breathing: he needed it.

This guitar reminded him of his years at the factory, his coworkers listening to him and sometimes singing along with him. But most important, he was playing it with Sam, on the front steps of their house, after John and Karen passed out completely drunk. Sam would listen to him play guitar, sharing those rare and precious moments, and singing their pain and distress. He was listening to his brother's voice getting lost in the night. Those were unforgettable memories because their souls were connected.

Dean touched it… the guitar was dirty and damaged like him. His finger brushed past the strings in a soft noise and he shivered. He sat on the bed, facing the window from where Castiel didn't move. He carefully brought the guitar closer to him and started to tune it, bringing unusual noises in the room.

"Bare with me ok? I haven't played in a very long time… and I can play but I'm not BB King either." He said laughing to himself.

He closed his eyes and started to play… It sounded like he never gave up playing. His fingers were a little lazy and sore though… the Cage left scars, but nevermind… the music was living again. He even thought he would find his references back just with Castiel as his audience… at least he couldn't complain since he wasn't talking.

Music was the first thing they shared, it would be their unbreakable link from now on. A song resonated in his mind and he let his fingers slide to play it…

"Blowing in the Wind" by Bob Dylan.

He played it on the guitar first, he couldn't sing because he saw Sam and him. He suddenly thought about all the kids screaming for help while he was playing guitar. He closed his eyes and improvised as there was no harmonica to play along with him, and he tried to find the magical and desperate voice of Dylan in his notes.

Then he started to sing along with the music in his low and deep voice. Time froze, Garth stepped out of the day room when he heard it and he stayed in the corridor, letting the music and Dean's voice lull him. It was resonating in the corridor and screams stopped. They say music soothes the soul after all…

Dean stopped playing and singing and the magic broke. He opened his eyes, his hands still on the guitar, smiling a little. He looked up and saw Castiel standing right here, staring at the guitar and tilting his head.

Music felt like a pain close to softness. Castiel closed his eyes trying to run from it when he heard Dean's voice singing. He opened his eyes and looked at him through the reflection. He saw him lost in this unknown world… he knew nothing about it. He slowly turned around and observed him playing guitar and singing along. His face lightened… his eyes were closed… his fingers were sliding on the strings, he was caught in the moment. For the first time, Castiel was attracted out of his world ready to explore Dean's one.

When the music stopped and Dean stopped singing, he felt abandoned, lost between two realities: his own one calling him back and Dean's one fascinating him. He was attracted to it like a bug is attracted to light… but he was so scared to burn his wings.

Dean saw him look at the guitar and said nothing, giving him time. When Castiel looked back at him, Dean read the emotion in his blurry blue eyes, but Castiel didn't cry. They just shared the moment for a while and Dean saw his reflection in his eyes.

Castiel lifted his hand slowly and Dean froze, he couldn't even breathe anymore. He felt Castiel's fingers a few inches from his face and was unable to look away from his eyes. He felt his fingertips leaning shyly right under his eye and made a huge effort to contain his emotion, he didn't want to ruin the moment and he knew if he moved, Castiel would stop and go back to his prison.

Castiel slid his fingers along Dean's cheek in a soft caress and took them away right after. He looked away and stepped back to the window.

Outside room 14's door, the screams returned. Garth gave a last look in the corridor and went back to the day room.

Dean put his guitar on the bed, stood up, pulled his hand in his hair and took a deep breath to clear his mind. He stepped toward Castiel and stood by his side, speechless and not looking at him. They were just standing there sharing closeness and light.

He lost track of time and jumped when Garth opened the door. He understood it was time to go and nodded at Garth without saying anything. Garth nodded back and left.

Dean turned to Castiel but he was back in his world. It didn't matter though… Castiel's move was one of the most touching moments of his life, and it would be engraved in his mind forever, along with these eyes he liked to sink into so much, trying to find a way to read them.

He put his guitar back in the black case and turned to him one last time.

"Bye, Cas."

End of chapter XIV