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CHAPTER 16: REVIVAL

Weeks passed by and autumn was here, like a slow death of the nature before winter, which would lead to a new revival in spring… nature's resurrection.

Dean was sitting on the front stairs and was looking at the yellow, orange and red leaves. It's been four months he was in St Gerry Hall but it felt like a lifetime as his own life changed so much. But he had to admit he never felt so alive. He couldn't affirm he was happy though… he even wondered if he really knew the meaning of this word. Sure he knew some happy moments in his life, but they were lost in an ocean of pain so how could someone be truly happy after a whole life of pain and sadness?

He saw Sam's face when he closed his eyes and he smiled… it was like a caress on his face, the autumn's wind and the nice smell that Dean liked so much. Sam was definitely a part of his happy moments, he missed his precious and rare smile so much!

He wished he could've proved him there was a life after hell, he found a way to fight for it. He just needed a hand, a chance to catch it and a look to turn his world upside down. If only he could've resist a little longer to those shadows following him even through the nights, if only he could've hold on to life like he did!

It was hard to fight, but Deveraux was right: he was alive because he wanted to live and not only because he promised Sam. Happiness is not only for other people, he deserved it too and he always thought so. No matter what future would bring, he would walk toward it without the ghosts of his past. His past would forever be marked in his flesh but it was not a problem anymore, Dean opened the Cage and let all of his resentment go away: the rage and the violence were gone. He let warmth enter his cold hell.

And the key was a look… Castiel's look.

Using patience and quiet exchanges, he managed to open him up, even if he would never have the same relationship with others than he had with Dean, he knew what they shared was unique and nobody could take that away from them, but he needed to open up to other people now, not only with Dean. At least he could do it with Missouri, Garth, Mary or Phil.

Dean already talked about it with Leyla even if he really didn't want to. He loved that special connection they had and he was now afraid to lose it if Castiel could share the same things with other people.

When he entered the room with Missouri, Castiel looked at him first even if Missouri was the first person to get close to Castiel when he arrived in St Gerry Hall. It would always be Dean first.

Dean had the idea to come along with Missouri when she was bringing meals in room 14. He talked about it to Leyla first and Mary said yes. Castiel did so much progress in a few months thanks to Dean that she had to take that opportunity too.

For most people, the fact that Castiel shared a long and deep look with another person was probably not important, but for Mary it was clearly a miracle that was happening over and over again thanks to Dean's patience and thanks to his stubbornness too… he was absolutely determined to get Castiel out of his world.

The first times he ate with him and Missouri he wasn't very demanding and let him deal with his emotions first. Castiel never looked what he was eating, but now he was staring at Dean or Missouri instead of the window or the door. Of course he was still avoiding their looks.

Dean and Missouri were talking about anything including Castiel in the conversation. They both knew he wouldn't understand all of it but they wanted him to realize he wasn't just a witness of life anymore but an actor too.

Dean was going along with Garth too when he could. Castiel took more time to create a connection with him, probably because he didn't have the motherly instinct Missouri had, and not the brotherly one Dean had either. He had to approach Castiel another way and he chose humor. He was telling him about his delirious adventures and Dean couldn't help but laugh… and his laugh would make Castiel react every time.

He liked that sound and he held on to it, it was like the birds' singing, and after a while he accepted Garth's presence too thanks to that. He was making Dean laugh and it was bringing emotions in Castiel's heart. It was also bringing a new sparkle in Dean's eyes and of course he didn't miss it.

Garth was also telling stories about how he met magic people in St Gerry Hall, some patients he particularly was caring about. Some of them were cured now and he was still seeing them.

One day he turned to Castiel and said:

"I met some magic people here, you know? And you're one of them. The day I first saw you entering those walls, so skinny and so lost, I knew you would be someone special, someone who marks a life forever. I never cared about what people said about you, I always knew you were here even if you were quiet and that's why I never talked to you like you were a child. I think you've never been a child actually, because people stole your innocence too early. I've never seen someone with so much strength… because, dude… you really needed strength to survive this hell of yours and to keep fighting. You deserve to live… life owes you."

Dean leaned in his chair, he was touched by Garth's words. He talked in a soft voice looking only at his knees, like he was showing some sort of respect to the man who didn't need any lecture from anyone. Who were they so call him crazy? He lived true hell and he survived… he was a hero.

When Garth looked up at Castiel, he was staring at him, his head tilted as always. He met his eyes and Garth smiled.

"Hi…" he said tenderly.

Each day and each look were a victory. It was harder with Phil though. Phil liked patients a lot but he always had a hard time making contact with people. He was keeping distance to not be attached too much, he would never go too close. After all he was not a part of the medical staff here, he was just cleaning rooms, but Dean insisted a lot and he accepted to make an exception for Castiel because he saw it more like a therapy instead of a friendship.

Dean was not here when Phil met Castiel… Mary made a lot of concessions for him and he needed to respect her and his contract, but he trusted Phil and he knew how he was with patients, he would find the right words or the right moves to bring Castiel toward him.

Phil started with a short visit, and he would stay longer and longer each time. He talked to him and tried to catch his eyes but Castiel always refused to look at him. Dean thought it was maybe because he wasn't here but he decided, and Leyla approved, to not rush anything and to let Castiel go to him. It would change the rules.

Castiel needed to open up even without Dean around, and needed to do it even with people he wasn't so close to.

Phil didn't give up and he didn't wonder why he was so willing to give Castiel a chance. He wanted to spend more time with him, talk to him, observe him and finally he was attached to him more than he wanted to. Castiel was magic: he knew only rain but he was attractive like the sun. They all were like bugs around a light, but this one wasn't burning.

Phil pushed his cart in front of the door and took a chocolate snack from it. He stepped toward Castiel and stood by his side, observing the wind that was blowing in leaves. He opened the chocolate snack and felt Castiel moving. Phil took a bite and was enjoying the taste of chocolate, smiling a little when he wiped a bit of chocolate from his lip. An awkward silence settled between them, the lack of exchange was worse than the lack of words.

Phil did something he wouldn't have done with another patient, and frankly he thought he would never do it with Castiel either. He broke the snack in two pieces and handed one half to Castiel. He didn't react, and Phil even wondered if he's ever seen a chocolate snack before. He knew here patient had cake or chocolate milk but he doubted they ever had a chocolate bar.

"Castiel…" he said softly approaching the snack from his face.

Castiel turned his head away, but Phil didn't give up: he put the chocolate on the edge of the window and kept eating his part of it, with a lot of satisfaction moans. He was almost done and Castiel hadn't move, but when he put the last bite in his mouth he saw Castiel was observing him through the reflection. He smiled and sucked his fingers.

"That was so good!" he said, content.

Castiel lifted his hand and touched the chocolate bar with his fingertip. Phil decided to step back and clean the table glancing at the window. He looked at his watch and realized he would not be finished at 3 pm but right now he didn't care so much. Castiel finally took the chocolate in his hand and Phil felt his heart clenching. He kept cleaning the table with a smile on his face.

Castiel observed the chocolate a long time, and of course it started to melt on his fingers. He changed and took the chocolate with his other hand to lick the melted chocolate. If he could've, Phil would've jumped of happiness and he understood what Missouri and Garth were living every day, it was intense and he was living it right now. It was a tiny step toward recovery but it was thanks to him this time. The big steps were thanks to another room's cleaner: Dean. Everybody else failed but they did it!

Mary was right: they were part of a family and they had the same goal. They needed to bring the patients into the world and not hide them like they had plague.

When Castiel brought the chocolate bar to his mouth, Phil was shattered. He was finally a part of all this and not just a witness anymore, and he thought he would never look patients the same way from now on. Behind their silence or they pain there was a Castiel ready to wake up.

Lost in his thoughts, Phil didn't see Castiel turning around and when he looked up he was staring at him. He couldn't help but smiled: his mouth was full of chocolate.

He hesitated a moment, the chocolate bar experience was a success and maybe making another move would be too much, but he instinctively took a napkin on his cart and stepped toward Castiel. He wiped his own mouth first and showed the napkin to Castiel pointing at his lips. Then he pointed Castiel lips and he tilted his head, intrigued. When Phil lifted his hand near his face he tensed.

"I'm just gonna clean your mouth… it's full of chocolate!"

He tilted again showing he didn't understand, but Phil's comforting voice seemed to be enough. He let him come closer.

Phil wiped his mouth, all shaky and laughing nervously, and then he showed him the napkin full of chocolate.

"See? I'll bring another one tomorrow… with nuts! You'll love it." He winked.

Castiel had no reaction except going back to the window.

When his shift was done, Phil ran to Dean's place. It was an important step for Castiel: he didn't need Dean to open up to other people anymore, or to accept new gestures from them.

This is when Leyla decided it was time for her to get in touch with Castiel too… the true therapy could begin.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dean woke up and got out to breathe the fresh air of the morning. It was a warm and sunny autumn day and it reminded him how much he and Sam loved Indian summer.

He had an appointment with Leyla… Today, he would introduce her to Castiel.

He met her before but at the time he refused any contact with her. As she worked half-time and had more than thirty patients, she resigned and reluctantly gave up because Mary insisted. This was a new opportunity for her. She would start with Dean hoping Castiel would accept her presence because so far he opened up only with people he was seeing almost every day. What would it be with her?

Dean typed the code and entered. He was coming to visit Castiel like anyone would come to visit a family member or a good friend, not like a patient anymore. He knew he was still sick but their relationship was deeper than that.

Mary cleared the conditions: Dean could visit Castiel anytime, he just needed to sign the register, respect visits schedule and report a few things about Castiel's evolution. It was normal and Dean agreed. He just wanted to spend time with him, the most he could. He knew Castiel was still hanging by a thread and a too strong emotion could make him fall again, but he didn't want to lose him... ever. He would risk his own health instead.

Castiel turned around as soon as Dean entered his room and stared at him. Dean smiled.

"Hey Cas!"

He was never expecting any answer, Castiel seemed to want to stay silent and he never tried to make any sound. He learnt how to live in silence and was not seeing why he would talk now. Talking reminded him of too many awful memories, silence was comforting, but Castiel could talk in his head. He was happy to repeat the new words he was learning every day and he was trying to find a meaning to them.

Castiel was a smart person, and that's probably why she stopped teaching him how to read and write. He would have understood his place was not in an attic. He was already convinced his situation was not too normal so she took away the weapons to get out of it. Words and knowledge were more dangerous than guns and knives. They would deliver him.

He read Dean's book's words though… nobody knew about it. They were all thinking he was just staring at the pages like he was looking for a treasure from the past, but his mind was opening to each letter and each word.

Even when she stopped teaching him, even when he had no right to take any book from the shelf, he could still see the pictures and the words in his head. He wrote them on an invisible board with his fingers. After a while he couldn't see them anymore so he repeated them in his mind, spelling them too. It was a daily game that kept him alive, his brain would not give up.

But after a few years, the fatigue and the craziness were too strong that he forgot… everything turned black. Why would he write or read? For who? For what?

When Dean gave him the book, the words came back. Without even noticing it, Dean gave him his thirst of learning back. The lost words came back to his brain.

But even if he found words back, he couldn't speak them out. He never found the way to do it again. But did he want to?

Dean stepped away and let Leyla entering the room. Castiel paid no attention, he was still held on Dean's eyes.

"Cas, this is Leyla Fredges. You've met her before, do you remember?"

He looked away and went back to the window. Dean turned to Leyla, she smiled and stepped toward Castiel. He could smell her perfume… it smelled like fruits and sugar.

"Hello, Castiel. I'm Leyla."

No reaction… Dean looked at her through the reflection. She stepped closer and saw Castiel tensing.

"I'm going to leave you with Dean… I just wanted him to introduce me, I'll come back tomorrow. I'd like to know you better… are you ok with it?"

Castiel didn't move, he wasn't even paying attention. She stepped away.

"Bye, Castiel."

She leaned her hand on Dean's arm when she passed in front of him. Castiel observed it in the window's reflection.

"See ya tomorrow, Leyla."

"Yes, see you tomorrow, Dean. Have a good afternoon."

She left and Dean saw Castiel's shoulders relaxing. He stepped toward him.

"She's nice, you know? She just wanna help."

He turned to Dean and stared.

"You don't believe me?"

He tilted his head and Dean couldn't help but smiled.

"Do we go out today?" he tried.

Castiel wouldn't go out of his room. Dean was always keeping the door open when he was visiting him to let him know there was nothing to fear about the outside. He was scared first, Dean could read the fear in his eyes, and then indifference replaced fear, and curiosity replaced indifference, especially when he was seeing Garth, Armand or sometimes Melvin walking in the corridor with another patient.

"Don't you want to go out for a walk?" he asked looking outside at the park.

Dean felt Castiel's defenses straighten, but he knew after a while he would eventually let go, he was just progressing in his own rhythm. He couldn't blame: his first contact with the outside was violent and traumatizing for him. His room was his safety… but Dean was coming from the outside… they were all coming from the other side of the door.

Dean didn't insist. He knew one day Castiel would follow him. He wanted to give him time, because he knew the day he would go out, it would mean he'd gave up all of his world to accept all of Dean's world. He was waiting for this with a desperate need, but he would have to be very patient.

For the moment, he would sit, Castiel would sit with him and he would tell him about his day like every day. He would talk and Castiel would look at him.

"I'll bring my guitar next Sunday. You'll see… I practiced and I'm pretty good now, a real pro!" he laughed.

"I leanrt a new song just for you."

Castiel tilted his head.

"You want me to sing a bit of it?"

Castiel's eyes lightened.

"Can't wait uh?" he laughed again.

He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

"It's by Donny Hathaway… of course that name doesn't ring a bell for you but my brother loved this singer and this song a lot… it kinda suits us."

He let himself drown in the melody in his head.

"Road is long

With many a winding turn

That leads us to who knows where

Who knows where?

But I am strong enough to carry him

He ain't heavy, he's my brother…"

Words were rising like a prayer. It's been a while Dean hadn't sung for Castiel, since that moment he thought he lost him. This song was for Sam and for him.

Garth leaned against the day room's door, his voice sure could transport him.

Leyla froze near the front gate and seemed to hold on to it with one hand, looking at the floor.

This song was a hymn to brotherhood, blood or not. It was a love song to his dead brother and to Castiel. Dean was not seeing Castiel as a sick person anymore, he was not just a friend either, it seemed he was attached to him as he was to his brother. He saved him and now he had to save Castiel.

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother."

When his voice stopped, Leyla opened the gate and left. Garth did the same, and the screams of patients started again.

When Dean opened his eyes, Castiel was staring at him, and he had to look twice to be sure he wasn't dreaming. He straightened on his chair.

Castiel was not just smiling, he was offering him a broad grin. One of those grins that light up someone's face reaching the eyes. He was smiling at him for the first time. He understood the song words and he felt something through Dean's voice.

"I figure you liked it." Dean said with a shaky voice.

Castiel smiled even more for a second, and then his smile and his eyes faded. He looked at the door.

"You… you… you wanna go out?" Dean mumbled straightening up even more.

Castiel looked at him and stood up. Dean stood up too trying to not move too fast. It was something he's been waiting for so long! He was shaking.

He opened the door, just a little, but Castiel didn't move further. Dean offered his hand.

"Come on… you don't have to be scared, I'm here."

He didn't know how much time it lasted, time froze and he could only focus on Castiel's breathing. He was scared, terrorized and he couldn't move. He was staring at Dean extended arm, at his hand, and he wondered what was the reason of it.

How could he know? Nobody ever held a hand out to him. They only took it by force.

He finally took a step forward. Dean bent and took his fingers in his hand. Castiel rejected it brutally.

"Cas… it's just me. Dean." He said surprised by his sudden reaction.

He tried to take his hand again but Castiel rejected it one more time, this time in a more aggressive way. He didn't insist.

Dean stepped to the door and opened it full. Castiel could see the corridor. He was alone, two steps away from it, without anything to hold on to as Dean was turning his back on him.

Dean prayed for him to come closer, he was already so close he could almost feel Castiel's warmth in his back, but he knew inside him he wouldn't go further today. It was already more than he wished.

Dean stepped back and closed the door. He turned around and he slowly leaned his hand on Castiel's cheek and smiled. It became a common move for them.

"Come on… we're going to look at the autumn through the window."

End of chapter XVI

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