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CHAPTER 17: YOU'RE NO EVIL
It's been two weeks since Dean introduced Leyla to Castiel. He was coming along with her when he visited him.
Even if Castiel wasn't paying attention to her, no look, nothing, he tolerated her presence anyway.
Dean was observing, he knew he was reacting when Leyla was talking to him but he was always avoiding her look, he was always looking at Dean like he was asking why this woman was here all the time.
One day, Dean asked Leyla to sit down and talked to Castiel.
"She's here to help you, Cas…You're keeping everything for yourself." He pointed as his own head.
He was standing between her and the window, Castiel was staring at his bare feet. Dean knew he was following every move he was making even if he tried to act like he didn't care about it. He knew him pretty good now, and they both knew how the other one worked, they were feeling it.
"You must talk to me, Cas. We need to talk to each other, I'll be here with you, I'll talk too, we'll talk about our truths and our secrets… our pains."
Castiel looked up, he didn't understand all the words. Truths? What truths? There was only his own truth for him. He had time to think about it since he was here. He knew what he lived when he was in his hell back there, and he knew what he was living now here. He didn't want to live those things again even if they were still haunting his nights. He could still feel the taste of blood in his mouth, he was still waking up because of beating pain, lifting his arms to protect himself. He could still feel her cold hands on his body. He was still waking up in sweat staring at the white ceiling.
It was breaking his heart and it was painful to breathe but he didn't want to let that pain out, he was too scared about it.
He listened to Dean who wanted to share his pain with him. But why? Why would he live that hell again?
He tilted his head and stared at him confused.
"It's not possible for you to live it again and again every day in your head, Cas. You need to talk to us, you need to free yourself from it, you didn't do anything wrong and you're no evil." Dean said almost begging.
Leyla observed the two men staring at each other. They were literally living through each other, like a projection in a mirror… like a fusion without being unhealthy. A magical encounter, and she forgot she was a doctor for a few minutes, she was just a quiet witness and she was shattered about it.
Two destinies meeting had something divine but she never believed in God. God was letting thousands of people suffer, he forgot about them and that's why nobody cared.
"You did nothing wrong." Dean insisted.
"We did nothing wrong." He whispered looking down.
A long silence settled and Castiel decided to break it when he walked forward. He felt Dean's sudden pain. He leaned his hand on Dean's face again as he did a few weeks ago, he knew it was comforting for Dean. He leaned two fingers under his eyes and he saw Dean smile. It was his way to thank him, because it was the only way Castiel would fully understand.
Leyla shivered like it was suddenly cold. Castiel turned toward her and stared first at her hands leaning on his bed, then he looked up slowly and their eyes finally met. She understood why everybody was so fascinated about his look. She could read anything in his look: he just agreed to work with her, not for himself nor for her, but for Dean.
Leyla smiled at him and he went back to the window. She stood up to leave the room and leave them alone, she felt like a stranger. Dean smiled at her, she smiled back and she smiled at Castiel through the reflection too as she saw he was still looking at her. She would dream of blue eyes that night.
Dean went to the window next to Castiel and they didn't talk the whole afternoon. It wasn't necessary anyway, everything had been said.
"You did nothing wrong… you're no evil."
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Dean returned to Leyla's office the next day and she explained what she planned to do with Castiel. She showed him a box full of dolls… Barbie and Ken dolls? Really?
He frowned.
"He doesn't talk and he's closed when it comes to the reality. If it weren't for his eyes we wouldn't even perceive what he feels. I will try to make him show his pain through these, but I will need your help, Dean."
He understood and he knew that form of therapy. He'd made research since he arrived in St Gerry Hall and since he'd met Castiel, especially thanks to Melvin who gave him his laptop every time he needed it. Every ways were good to get Castiel out of his prison. He didn't want to make any mistake though, it would ruin everything. He was often talking about his researches with Missouri and Garth, they became close to each other since they had a huge common point: Castiel.
Missouri knew what she was talking about, she was a nurse for a long time so she could have a wise opinion about how to cure Castiel, even if she often was confused about him as he was so unique. But they were so concerned about all of this that they all searched for solutions.
Garth kept telling stories to Castiel when he was bringing meals and Dean came less and less for those moments as the contact between Garth and Castiel was pretty good now, he was always staring at his unstoppable babbling lips.
After a lot of patience, Missouri finally managed to make him look at what he was eating.
"Castiel… watch!" she said pointing at his plate and his fork until he was able to do it by himself. Nobody knew if he was really watching what he was putting in his mouth but at least he could eat without messing up his clothes or the table. It was a new step toward the outside.
He also accepted Phil long visits, he was now bringing candies to him. Castiel was always waiting for him to put them on the edge of the window or on the table to take them, he couldn't accept anything from the hand of anybody… not even from Dean, except when he was leaning it to his cheek to comfort him.
He refused any form of contact on any other part of his body, probably because from all the tortures she inflicted him, she was always avoiding his face… except for a few times.
Dean thought that the day Castiel would accept his hand or a hug, he would win against the monster she was.
He closed his eyes. The progress was slow, but what was done was something earned for a long time and it would stay.
"I'll start to explain to him…"
Dean jumped… he didn't listen to Leyla.
"You haven't heard a word I said, have you?" she asked in a firm voice. "I'm doing this on my free time, Dean… I could take care about other patients instead, so at least you could pay a little attention. It's important! You don't seem to realize what could happen…"
"Yes… I do. And it scares me to tell you the truth."
He leaned his elbows on his knees.
"He did so much progress… what if it was too sudden?" he looked down.
"Dean… he's been here for nine months… I think it's time for him to finally live. As long as he will be locked in his prison refusing to communicate he won't go further. It's heavy for him to hold all of this and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about here. He didn't have a way to express his rage and he didn't have anybody to share it. I'm not saying it will be easy though."
She leaned her back in her chair.
"He never needed you as much as he does now, what he always buried deep inside will come back like a boomerang and it will be very hard for him but it's the only way he can deal with his past and start to deal with the future. He's stuck between his dreams, his nightmares and the reality. Thanks to you he understood he created a fake world but he still holds on to it because his past is way too painful for him to deal with. The psychological scars are the worst, Dean, you know that."
"What if he falls forever in his fake world? What if he's not yet ready for this? What if he never is?"
"Thirty years of abuse and he's still alive… and he's still fighting. He's never been as ready as he is now. He just needed a hand."
"He doesn't accept to hold hands." Dean replied abruptly.
"Not literally… but the fact he accept to be touched is already a huge step towards recovery. The fact he did a move like he did with you, the fact he accepts you and other people as a reality, the fact he shares looks with all of us… it proves he's ready, Dean. Now the question is… are you?"
"Me? Ready for what? Reveal myself to him?"
"No… Ready to hear what he has to say."
He looked up to Leyla.
"You think he believes I'll reject him because of what she did to him?" he raised his voice a little.
"Not really. I think he might be scared you'd reject him because he let her do it."
"Bullshit! What do you know? Nobody knows how he sees things but he certainly doesn't see them as we do. He indeed created a world for thirty years and we're about to break it… I'm just scared it will break him."
"I'm afraid it's a risk we have to take if we want to have a chance to cure him one day."
"Yeah if he wants to."
"Dean…" Leyla scolded. "His whole process in St Gerry Hall shows he wants to and you know it, you're the best to say it! He wants to get out of it or he wouldn't have opened up like he did."
"I know…" he said shyly looking down.
"Don't worry, we won't go too fast and we won't ask too much, we'll do it step by step. I'm not saying he will make a speech at the end of his first session. Let's make him go as slow as he needs to."
Dean mumbled something and stood up.
"I have to go, he's waiting for me."
She smiled.
"We'll see each other tomorrow at 2pm, is that ok for you?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"I will talk to Mary about it."
Dean already knew if she talked to Mary she would start the therapy whether he wanted it or not. After all he was the one who came to her for help.
"Good."
He left the room glancing at the dolls' box and sighed. The hardest thing was he would have to talk too.
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When he entered the room that afternoon, Castiel was not standing at the window like usual, he was sitting at the table with the book in front of him, opened to the crow page.
Dean paused, it was rare to see him sitting like that except to eat… and it was probably a bad sign.
"Hey, Cas!"
He took a chair and sat next to him. Castiel didn't look away from the bird and Dean felt something was wrong. It was in those moments he was raging he was not able to talk. Castiel was sitting round-shouldered on his chair and that couldn't be good, but as he refused to look up to him, he was unable to know what was bothering him.
Dean leaned against the wall and looked at him, hoping it would bring him back like it did before, when he was so lost in his mind. He could stay like that for hours but Dean would stay too because he knew he was fighting inside and he was waiting here for him to come back to reality and look at him.
Dean noticed Castiel was twisting his fingers on the table and he would've given anything to find the right words to help him.
What he didn't know was at that precise moment, Castiel was living one of his rapes again. Probably the worst one because the silent man was here too.
The man bent over him while he was tied and she looked without saying anything, with sparkles in her eyes. She tied him up after she put drugs in his dinner and he knocked-out. She patiently waited for him to wake up and she smiled when he did.
He knew something was up when she knocked on the floor with her shoe and the trapdoor opened. She stepped close to him and caressed his face. The man stepped close too and she nodded.
The thing he reminded the most was the terrible pain of the in-and-out movements of the man… he wasn't even aware of what he did. That man was just satisfying a perverse need and she loved watching it with her evil and gross look. She loved the pleasure of the man and she loved the pain of the other. He was just lifeless during those moments.
The man was tightening his hands, leaning on them to enter him without any moderation, spreading his legs and lifting his hips.
He wasn't saying anything, but he was making hoarse moans and then he would stop and step back, leaving him broken on the bed with his pants down.
She would stand up, take the man's hand in hers and step out, leaving him here alone with his pain, his humiliation and his nudity.
"Cas?... Cas!"
This voice calling him… he looked up at the skylight and the bird came back… the black bird with blue reflections. The bird sank his eyes in his and knocked on the skylight with its beak. He liked to think it wanted to open it to save him… and then the bird flew away calling…
"Cas!"
His fingers stopped twisting. He slowly looked up as he was waking up from his nightmare, worse than the others, which was announcing more to come.
He met Dean's look and Dean was shattered by the distress in Castiel's eyes. He stepped closer to him instinctively and put both hands on his face. Castiel held on his eyes desperately, Dean knew he could not let go, he knew Castiel was hanging by a thread, he could feel he was ready to fall.
Making him open up to reality probably brought awful memories back to his mind. He could run from them before, in his own prison he created, but today he was on the way towards reality so he couldn't hide anymore.
Dean leaned his forehead on Castiel's one, he was still holding his face. If he could've, he would've entered his brain to erase all those memories and pain. He suddenly felt Castiel's hand gripping his sleeves desperately.
"I'm right here, Cas… I'm here and I won't leave you."
He wanted to cry but he had to be strong for him, never put his pain before Castiel's one.
Castiel really needed to put words on his emotions, and Dean needed to help him, he had to get out of this or he would die and lose his soul… she would win.
When he calmed down and released Dean's sleeves, Dean stepped back and he saw his face was more peaceful. Dean smiled at him and brushed past his cheek one last time.
"You know what?... We both need Leyla."
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Dean met her on the front stairs, he was sitting here as he liked and Leyla was just leaving.
"See you tomorrow, Dean!" She greeted and stepped away.
"I'm sorry for what happened this afternoon!" Dean said to catch her attention.
She turned around and stepped back, not because of his words but because of the tone he used to say them.
"What happened?"
He looked up to her.
"He uh… he hold on to me as he was about to fall again. I don't know what that bitch did to him and I doubt we can measure how awful it was, but if we don't do anything it will kill him."
She came closer.
"That's why we're here, Dean. He holds on because he finally opened up to reality and he can't run from what he lived anymore. The reality crossed his fake world. It's the beginning of recovery, Dean, and this is now you have to be strong, this is now he needs us."
"I don't know if I'll be strong enough. It kills me to see him like that and I feel totally useless and powerless."
"He would still observe us without reacting if you hadn't been here. He would still live in his fake world where he would've lost his mind forever."
"Well… sometimes I wonder if it would not be better for him."
"He wouldn't have done so much effort to open up if it was really true. He's desperately fighting to survive and it's not the moment to give up."
"I won't."
Leyla leaned a hand on his shoulder.
"And about you… we're here for you too, Dean. We'll support you. Don't forget you're not alone… not anymore."
"I know." He said smiling at her.
"Alright… See you tomorrow then. And have some rest because it will be a tough day for all of us."
"Thank you, Leyla… for everything."
"We should be the ones thanking you, Dean. You gave us a real humility lesson here."
She stepped away with confidence and finally disappeared.
The door behind him opened but he didn't turn around. Someone was offering him a cup of coffee and a smiling face.
"I figured you would need this."
"Thank you, Suzie."
She gave him a questioning look, and seeing he was lost in his thoughts she climbed the steps back up.
"You can stay if you want, but I should warn you I won't be too good company."
She sat next to him.
"We don't need to talk if you don't want to."
"Thanks."
They stayed here a moment, just sitting next to each other, in silence.
Castiel observed them from the third floor. He tilted his head, a curious look on his face.
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Dean was seeing Suzanne more and more. He liked her and let her come in his life just a bit, but it wouldn't go further. He liked her company and talking to her but he always avoided too personal subjects. He wasn't ready to reveal himself. She would soon finish her training and Dean's job was almost over, but he would still come in St Gerry Hall to visit Castiel. That's why he kept his distance from her even if he liked her a lot. He couldn't be involved in a relationship with a girl, he would hurt her anyway. He just learnt how to love a woman's body without being brutal, he wasn't ready to learn more yet.
He had no time anyway, the time he had he was spending it with Castiel. It was his one and only priority. Suzanne was no fool and she knew it, but at least she liked spending a few minutes with him and talk. Dean had to admit it was good for him to talk about anything with her too. It was clearing his mind.
That evening, Suzanne came and knocked on his door. Dean closed the leather book and put it in the drawer before going to open the door.
"Suzie?"
"Hi. Am I interrupting something?"
"No…" he said a bit confused. "You wanna come in?"
She figured by his behavior he was more polite than anything else, and he probably didn't want her to come in.
"No thanks… I just came to give you something."
There was a very awkward tension between them.
"I have tickets for some Blues concert Friday night. They're amateurs but as I know you like music I thought you would like going."
He really didn't know what to answer to that… it was Wednesday, so many things could happen till Friday!
"It's not a trap. I promise." She joked, blushing.
"Suzie… it's nice… really… to think about me… but I don't know if it's a good idea."
Her smile faded a little but she didn't give up.
"Alright… but it's just to clear your mind out of those walls, you know… nothing more."
He smiled at her, his shoulder leaning against the door. Maybe it could be great to get out of here, but at the same time he was feeling like he was betraying Castiel, having fun without him, while he was alone in his room… it suddenly scared him.
"Listen… keep the tickets and if you don't find anyone else till Friday… maybe I'll go with you. Ok?"
She smiled.
"Great! The concert starts at 8 pm. If you wanna come, I'll be waiting in the lobby at 7."
"Alright."
"Fine... Goodnight, Dean."
"Goodnight, Suzie. Thanks for inviting me."
"Who else would I invite?" She turned around to hide her sudden blushing cheeks… Idiot!... She heard her inner voice resonating in her head. She heard the door shutting behind her and rolled her eyes.
"Thanks." She whispered.
Dean leaned his back on the door, the doorknob still in his hand. What just happened?
He closed his eyes and saw Castiel's blue eyes. He needed to clear his mind or he would end crazy too! He was obsessing him and making him lose the meaning of reality, the meaning of his own life.
He took his phone, searched for a name in his contacts and dialed.
"Hi, it's me. Are you free tonight?"
He smiled, hung up, took his jacket and left.
From the other side of the phone, Nina smiled. She turned to look at the man who was putting his clothes back on. She needed to change the sheets, Dean was coming. He was now a regular client and he was learning to love, doing it better and better. Nina became his confident, but she knew one day she would lose him.
For the moment, she was dreaming of a normal life. She did nothing wrong to end up like this… bad circumstances happen. At least she was lucky enough to choose her clients.
The man kissed her on her forehead and put some money in her hand, bringing her to reality. She sighed and saw her reflection in the mirror: she was wearing her red bra and garter belt… she would need to change and put some white underwear for her precious broken angel.
Dean looked up to the third floor, he didn't know if he was still awake at that time. Castiel was not sleeping well and had no regular sleep-cycles, as Garth said. He often slept on the floor and his nights were full of nightmares.
"See ya tomorrow, Cas."
He turned the engine on and the Impala left.
End of chapter XVII