CHAPTER 20: BEHIND THE DOOR
Dean was sitting on the front stairs, his head in his hands, elbows on his knees, when the door behind him opened.
He heard footsteps and smelt a perfume he would've recognized among thousands… Suzanne. She sat next to him without saying a word, she just wanted to be with him. He stayed quiet too and didn't react to her presence, keeping his position and tightening his head like he was afraid it would explode.
He refused to turn towards her so he closed his eyes, and suddenly the whole scene came back in his mind, like a movie he would watch again, breaking his heart.
"Shit!"
She came closer to him and leaned her hand on his shoulder, pulling him gently close to her. He let her do and for the first time, he cried in silence to let the pain go away. He was still hiding between his arms, but he accepted Suzanne's arms around him too, like she could hold him back. They stayed liked that a long moment, Dean was lost in his sadness and Suzanne just wanted to be here for him. She wanted to carry his pain with him: his stolen youth and Castiel's hell revealed.
He finally looked up and stared at his Impala, still quiet. He was trying to regain control of his emotions, refusing to show a broken face to Suzanne. He wiped the tears away from his cheeks and chin, trying in vain to erase the tired features of his face's expression. He took a deep breath and straightened up.
Suzanne stayed quiet the whole time, she knew... she could feel it wasn't the good time to speak or to try to make him talk. It was already enough for him to cry in front of her.
He stood up but she stayed sit.
"Up for a drink?" he suddenly asked, almost whispering.
Suzanne jumped.
"A drink?"
"Yeah." He replied without turning around.
"Okay… let me take my purse and we can go."
"You won't need your purse. Let's go."
She hesitated a minute, surprised by Dean's tone but she finally followed him. He went to his car without looking at her.
He didn't speak the whole way, his eyes were still red and his face was swollen. She noticed he was biting on his lip not to break down again.
He stopped the car at the end of the town, in a still roadside diner. That's what he needed: an empty place far from St Gerry Hall, far from what marked him forever, and far from all the emotions that destroyed him and brought the old Dean back… the old Dean that let his emotions guide his and his brother's life, the Dean that had enough strength to live for two. He regretted losing him sometimes, but right now he just found him back.
He chose a table in the back of the diner and Suzanne followed him without a word. She remembered Leyla, she saw her in the lobby but she didn't pay attention to her, she seemed to be as lost as Dean was, and she understood something decisive happened with Castiel.
Dean sat in front of her, he was looking outside to the horizon, that point of no return.
"Hello! May I help you?" the waitress smiled, ready to take the order.
"Do you have apple pie?" Dean asked still looking outside.
"Yes." She answered looking at him through the reflection in the window.
"I'll have that and a coffee."
"Alright. And for you?" she said turning to Suzanne who smiled at her.
"Same, please."
"Okay. 2 coffees and 2 apple pies." She confirmed and stepped away.
Dean looked down.
"So… what happened?" Suzanne dared asking.
"Nothing." He looked at her "I just wanna be with you. That's all."
"Dean?"
"Suzie please…" he said looking back down.
"Fine…"
The waitress came back and served them.
"Here you are. Enjoy!"
"Thank you." Suzanne smiled.
Dean picked his fork up, and when he was ready to take a bite of his pie, he suddenly put it back down and let the words out without being able to stop talking. Suzanne didn't interrupt, his mind was far away.
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He spent the afternoon is Castiel's room and brought a chocolate bar with nuts to him, Phil said it was his favorite. He stood with him at the window, sharing the moment that he missed so much these past days. He was just with him, for him, looking outside in the same direction.
Castiel ate without looking at Dean, with no reactions, he was gone.
Dean finally sat on the bed and took his guitar, that's when he felt Castiel coming back and looking at him through the reflection.
"What do you want today? Rock? Folk? Blues?"
Dean played some notes just to get in the mood, and then words came along.
Johnny Cash song resonated in the room and in the corridor… "Hurt".
Dean was focused on his guitar, his eyes closing from time to time, entranced by the melody. When he looked up Castiel had turned around to look at him. He finally found this look he missed so much these past days and he couldn't help but smiled.
Castiel stepped forward and sat straight next to him, his hand on his thighs, staring to the window, and Dean started to sing again. It was a nice and still afternoon, lost in Johnny Cash's songs.
When Dean put his guitar down on the bed, he prayed for Castiel to stay by his side, and he prayed for Monday to never come. They stayed like this a long moment before the door opened and Garth came in with Castiel's dinner.
Dean stood up a bit disappointed and turned to Cas who hadn't moved.
"Hey, Cas? See you on Monday?"
Castiel turned to look at him and met his eyes, and Dean could see them smiling. Garth put the plate down on the table and Dean left.
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The day after, Dean went to his storage room and listened to old music playing in the old player. He was sitting on a suitcase full of memories, but he never opened it. He kept with him only the small box in his car's trunk, a piece of Sam.
He had a few drinks in that place he was visiting more and more. He made peace with his past, he was now living the present and looking towards the future… in a few days, his job in St Gerry Hall would be over.
Mary told him she couldn't hire him, but she proposed him to keep living in his place there, he could do some maintenance in the mansion while he'd search for a new job. Dean accepted, he had some money at the bank and at least he would still have a place to live and something to eat. And of course he could stay with Castiel a little longer.
He didn't want to leave St Gerry, he didn't want to leave the patients he cared about… he didn't want to leave Garth, Missouri, Leyla, Armand, Melvin or Mary… he didn't want to leave Suzanne… and he certainly didn't want to leave Castiel.
He would accept anything Mary would offer him to stay in this place, it became his home. These walls freed him, they saved him!
He couldn't sleep to well that night, he was haunted by Castiel's look on the dolls… and by the scars on his back, revealing how much his soul should be damaged. He was nervous thinking Castiel would have to meet his demons on Monday.
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Leyla entered and Dean followed with a serious face, marked by worry and lack of sleep.
Castiel was standing at the window and Dean wanted to scream to make him stay there. He needed to know he didn't have to open that door if he didn't want to… Dean knew what was behind… he perceived a few of it. He sighed and went next to him.
"Hey, Cas." He said with a hoarse voice.
He glanced at Leyla organizing the dolls… she changed something and he didn't like that. On the right there were two dolls: a boy and a man, both wearing white pajamas, the same Castiel wore all the time.
On the left: a female and a male doll. Leyla places other male dolls next to those ones. Dean stepped away, Leyla felt his look on her and gave him a sad smile.
Dean never thought about that… it was just surreal! Where did Leyla find that possibility? Just from a look on two dolls? It was a new nightmare in his endless hell.
He begged her with his eyes, but she placed four male dolls and put the box down. Dean shook his head no, begging her one more time.
He turned around to look at Castiel, and he sank in his look. Right now he could flee… hell had borders too… it couldn't be that awful.
Castiel turned around to look outside again. He followed a bird's flight with his eyes and when they disappeared in the horizon, he turned to Leyla. He stepped forward hesitantly and tilted his head when he saw how the dolls were placed on the table. He stared at the one looking like him, and then he took it in his hand after a few seconds of hesitation.
Dean was leaning against the window, observing in silence, gripping the edge of the window. Minutes passed by, they held their breath, and Castiel took the male doll with shaky hands.
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Ralph was standing in front of him with his empty look, and his hanging lower lip making his mouth look huge. Ralph was tall… so tall he had to bend to be able to walk pass the central beam of the attic. He was also very large… so large he was hiding the sun when he was standing in front of him, leaving a huge shadow on the floor.
She stepped forward and ordered him to lay down on his bed in a firm tone that no one would challenge. He obeyed, she bent over him and took his pants down. He tensed… he knew was would happen as she's been already caressing him for a few days… since the day she surprised him doing it alone. But she never did anything more than caressing… yet.
Ralph's look changed when he saw his naked body exposed… he could feel the danger and tried to stand up but she stopped him. He tried to push her away but the man already put his hands on his shoulders to maintain him. That wasn't fair, he was too skinny and too weak to fight… plus he was still a child.
She stayed here watching. It was the first time but she would always stay to watch after that day.
He never forgot that first time. Ralph pulled his pants down and quickly lifted him from his bed to enter him. He screamed in pain, he begged the man to stop… he would forever remember the smell of his sweat. The man leaned his hand on his shoulder, still pushing with all his strengths inside his child's body. He came quickly and pulled himself out of his body, which made him scream in pain one more time, the pain was unbearable. He thought he knew all sorts of pains, but this one was new and it was the worst he even felt.
This was just the beginning of one more thing to add in hell. Ralph came back every month, still with her. He endured it, and the more he was enduring it, the more he hated himself. She never gave any limit to Ralph's fantasies: The man did everything he could imagine to him, without any caution and without ever caring about the boy he was raping. He was just an object of pleasure for him, and he couldn't rebel as strong as the man was.
He finally had to let it happen without fighting, which disappointed her as she enjoyed seeing him struggling so much. It never stopped, even when he became an adult, and each time, it was a nameless pain.
After Ralph's visits he was always laying flat on his stomach for a few hours, not managing to move to find a position that would ease the pain just a little. He thought he lived the worst he could endure, but she always found new tortures to prove him wrong.
One day she came in with a white haired man who had sparkles in his eyes as soon as he saw him… same look as Ralph.
"So?" she asked with an evil look on her face.
"Perfect." He searched in his pocket and took what only seemed to be some green papers out of it.
She took them quickly.
"You have 30 minutes."
She handed him the whip.
"If he's not enough submissive…"
He accepted it smiling.
"I'll be quiet." She said smiling too and stepping back in the shadow.
She had internet installed in the house later… her perversion was so demanding that she had to find new ways to satisfy it no matter how.
She caressed the cross hanging on her neck and stared at the screen. Ralph satisfied her, she liked seeing them together. But he hadn't touched her anymore for a long time, he took the control of his desire… and she found a new way to satisfy her needs. But Ralph was dead now, and the attic boy was not reacting to her touch anymore… but God gave her a new way to domesticate him.
The man stepped forward so he stepped back in panic.
"Come here sweety… I won't hurt you… I'll please you."
He searched for her but she was gone. The man stepped closer. He was curled up against the wall, expecting the worst… pain… over and over again. But this one was different… it was a disgusting pain, and if he thought he couldn't hate himself even more, he was wrong.
The man pulled his pants down revealing his erection.
"Suck."
He didn't understand what he meant and stared at him confused. The man hit the whip on his leg.
"SUCK!" he yelled grabbing his hair brutally, forcing him to bend on his shaft.
The man beat him, but he was not a child anymore: he pushed him away. The man laughed swaying, lifted the whip and hit him again and again, avoiding his face as she was told.
He would not let it happen again! He caught the whip with one hand and tried to pull it, but he had no time to make another move: the man punched him so hard his head hit the wall behind him. He tried to stand up, but he was too dizzy and fell on the bed. The man stepped closer, grabbed his hair and forced him to sit down.
"Now… suck!"
He showed him how to do by placing a finger in his mouth and sucking at it gently. At that moment he understood what he was asked to do.
He thought maybe that kind of pain would be less intense than the beating… but he was wrong again. He almost threw up several times because the man pushed his head to go deeper in his throat, and when finally he came in his mouth, he pulled away quickly. The man sighed deeply, his eyes closed, and smiled.
He turned around and threw up… he would be forever damned in his hell, and he created his own world. From now it would be one dead body and one surviving soul.
Rapes were part of his life in the attic, several times a month, until her torturer died. He hid them deep in his prison and only Ralph was still here in his nightmares.
But suddenly, the door opened on his memories, bringing them into his present. The doll was standing in front of the door… and then…
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Castiel breathed deeply and irregularly, like he was drowning. He realized he just mimed all those damned memories using the dolls. Without even noticing it, he revealed himself and the part of him that was eating him from the inside. He just opened the door on his subconscious.
He felt his legs becoming weak, and the room was turning around him. He was dizzy and nauseous… he felt all his muscles relaxing, and then tensing… then they relaxed again, and tensed one more time, again and again. It was painful. His whole body let go, even his bladder, and he felt like he was purging himself from all the horror he lived, all the stranger's bodies that corrupted him.
He closed his eyes tight and screamed is pain with all his lungs. All those years of hell were tearing his body up, and he punched even if there was nothing in front of him, like he wanted to chase everything away.
Leyla was totally broken, and Dean was petrified in shock. They realized Castiel was a slave all his life, and he was nothing but a shadow with no importance that nobody cared about. He was an object people could use for their pleasure or their madness.
Castiel fell on his knees, he had trouble breathing, and his pants were all dirty.
Dean ran to him and took his face between his hands. He couldn't stop screaming.
"Cas! Cas! Look at me! It's over! OVER!"
Castiel opened his eyes and saw Ralph right in front of him.
He rushed toward Dean and tackled him on the floor. He straddled him and started to hit so hard and with so much rage that it shocked Dean and he couldn't do anything, so he let him hit. He saw Leyla taking the emergency box.
"NO! Leyla don't!" He screamed protecting his face from Castiel's rage.
He was used to it and he knew Castiel had to hit his rage out. He knew that sensation too well: the rage took all the place.
Suddenly Castiel froze, his fist hanging over Dean's face, and he met his eyes. He stepped back, horrified.
He looked at himself, frowning when he saw his dirty clothes. He stared at his bloody hands and stared at Leyla with a skeptical look.
Dean sat painfully, whipped the blood out of his face, and spitted the blood out of his mouth.
Castiel looked at him terrorized and crawled to go curl up against the wall.
Dean stepped closer to him.
"Cas… it's nothing… nothing at all." He said in a soft voice.
He knelt down in front of him and looked into his blue eyes full of terror.
"Cas… I'm here… I'm right here."
Castiel put his arms around his knees, tightening them as strong as he could. Dean extended his arm to his face, Castiel rejected him brutally but he insisted. He struggled but Dean caught his wrists.
"Cas, ENOUGH!"
He froze, petrified after hearing Dean's bossy voice.
"Look at me!"
Castiel looked away towards Leyla's direction. Dean released his wrists and forced him to look at him, taking his chin in his hand.
"It's over, Cas. I will never let anyone hurt you anymore, you understand?" Never."
Castiel froze, and suddenly his eyes were full of tears… and he broke down.
Dean instinctively hugged him and Castiel didn't resist, leaning his head on his shoulder, crying in his neck, he let go of his distress, his rage, his sorrow, and his life full of pain. He gripped Dean's shirt, holding on to it with all his strength like he was his anchor to not be lost again.
"It's over, Cas."
Dean leaned his hand on his head, holding him tight and caressing his hair. He would talk to him till he would calm down.
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Suzanne listened without interrupting and felt a tear rolling down her cheek. She quickly whipped it.
Dean was now very quiet, staring at the table. He stood up and left the restaurant, and she didn't know why but her instinct told her to not follow him. He probably needed to be alone.
She pulled her plate but couldn't eat anymore. She looked outside and wondered how many Castiels were still out there suffering and waiting for deliverance. How many children were still victims of rapes without anybody to worry about it? Why?
Why God let it happen? They're innocent, they didn't do anything wrong… aren't they his children too? Isn't he supposed to help them when nobody else can?
Dean told her about Castiel's fascination for birds and she liked to think it was here a manifestation of God… she sighed… God looked at him and didn't do anything.
She grabbed the cross hanging around her neck.
Jesus-Christ suffered too… it seems like God didn't learn anything from the past of his children. He's not perfect… there are still monsters… but why?
The door opened and Dean came back. She looked at him as he sat down, his eyes were red and swollen again, and his eyebrow was still wounded… he didn't treat it, she just noticed.
He started eating his pie without looking at her. He drank his coffee and threw some money on the table before standing up to leave.
Suzanne followed.
When he arrived near his car, he turned around and looked at her. He stepped close to her and suddenly took her face in his hands to crash on her lips. She was so surprised she had no reaction for a few seconds, and then she responded to his kiss. It was soft and full of despair at the same time… he tasted good.
He broke the kiss and held her tight in his arms. She could feel the pain inside him but this time, he wasn't alone. He would never be alone again.
Castiel found Dean, and Dean found Suzanne.
Life could go on… maybe.
End of the chapter XX