I wanted to thank all the readers, anonymous or not, reading this fic
I tried with my words to give a voice to the victims, because behind this fiction, there is a reality.
Thank you for your reviews, they are my rewards.
Thank you to you, fangingertastic to follow this fic
CHAPTER 22: THE FINAL KEY
Dean entered the room, Castiel was at the window as usual and didn't react. After all they went through these past weeks, finding their old routine back was peaceful and comforting for both of them. Castiel was leaning his forehead against the window. It was rainy and windy and rain was projected by the wind against it, it was an autumn storm and Castiel jumped at each thunder clap and each lightning.
Dean understood why he was so distant: he was just scared of the storm, he was frowning and shutting his eyes tight, and he had trouble breathing. He was trying to hold on to the rain he liked so much, but the storm was too violent and his fear too irrational.
He has always loved rain though… even in his attic the sound of it against the skylight was making him peaceful and eased him falling asleep, but he was terrorized by thunderstorms, she said it was God's wrath, and lightning was just here to show it was true.
He screamed the first time he heard it, he was alone in the attic, and she stepped in, alerted by his shouts and sobs.
She then took his chin in his hand to force him looking at her in the eyes.
"God is angry… because you're evil, you're the devil! He wants to punish you, to destroy you, but I will protect you in here. Don't cry, angel, or his wrath won't stop pursuing you."
But he was so young and so scared he couldn't stop.
"STOP WHINING!" she yelled slapping him. "Or maybe you'd prefer God to hit you with his divine light?" she asked pointing at the skylight.
Since that day, and during each storm, Castiel was praying asking for God's forgiveness, but his wrath always came back and was sometimes very violent, making the roof crack.
He ended up associating God's wrath to the shadows on the walls of his prison. They were here to grab him and he was trying to stay away from them as he could, curling up under his bed so they wouldn't see him, and praying to God, promising he would be a nice child and to stop crying, even when she would beat him, or even if he'd hurt.
When he grew up he stopped praying, but the fear of storms stayed, it was graved in his skin and his soul.
Each thunder clap made him want to scream. Dean knew it because he saw his hands gripping his pants at each noise.
He stepped closer to him.
"Cas?"
He slowly leaned his fingers on his shoulder and Cas opened his panicked eyes and leaned his look in Dean's face before pushing him back brutally, hitting his head against the wall.
The time for Dean to understand what just happened and to recover from the shock, a new rumble resonated, making the window shaking. A huge lightning cut the sky and lighted up the whole room.
"Cas?"
Like for each of his visit, Dean let the room's door open, and noticing Castiel wasn't standing here anymore, he ran out in the corridor, terrorized about what could happen to him, but except some patients' screams and some weird evil laugh from others, it was empty. The patients were all in their rooms during storms. They weren't all scared of it, but there were not enough staff members to take care of all the ones who were actually frightened.
Dean finally came back in the room thinking Castiel would never leave just like that, especially when he was terrorized. The outside was even more frightening for him and he wouldn't leave even with threats. He searched the bathroom and suddenly slapped his own forehead.
"Shit!" he screams realizing he knew where he was hiding.
He came back in the room and crouched down near the bed.
The storm was particularly violent, even Dean was impressed even if he's never been scared of it. He couldn't help but jumped when the thunder resonated so loud.
"Damn it!" he said looking outside before looking under the bed.
Castiel was here, curled up against the wall, his head between his hands and his knees under his chin. He was shaking and jumping at each noise.
"Cas!" Dean called crawling under the bed.
He had trouble moving and didn't know how to fit in a so small area but he finally managed facing him.
"Cas… look at me. It's me, Dean!"
He crawled even closer.
"Cas!"
He saw Castiel releasing the pressure of his hands on his head and Dean extended his arm.
"Hey!" he said smiling and leaning his hand on his cheek.
It was an awkward moment, and it became even more awkward when the storm moved away suddenly. The thunder became less violent and the lightning faded.
"See? It's going away. It's over." He comforted him rubbing his thumb under his eye.
Castiel relaxed and Dean almost thought he would fall asleep, but he was still staring at him with big confused blue eyes. He could guess he had tons of questions but he didn't know which ones. Looks were not enough anymore, dolls and pictures either, they needed words now. Reflections of his memories in his eyes were not enough either.
But Castiel was not talking, he still didn't want to.
"We're not gonna stay under the bed all day, are we? It's kinda uncomfortable!" he asked smiling.
He crawled back and waited for Castiel to do the same, and he did a few seconds later.
"Come on!" he said going back to the window. Castiel didn't move, the storm wasn't gone completely even if it was less violent.
"Cas!" Dean insisted but Castiel wasn't decided to move. He was staring at his feet, and Dean observed him from the window.
He desperately wanted him to put words on what he was feeling right now, to express his emotions instead of showing them. He had scars to prove his beatings, he had moves to explain his physical abuse, but he had nothing to express his fears. What was he thinking about? What were those images making him hide under the bed?
He showed a lot, but he needed to say more to get out of his world and never come back. Their quiet conversations were over, and Dean needed to find a way for Castiel to stop blank-staring instead of screaming his pain. He needed to be able to talk.
Dean knew Castiel was free to choose if he wanted to talk or not, but he needed a real way to communicate if he decided to do it. Right now, even if he wanted to, Castiel just couldn't because he didn't know how.
The storm was over, only the rain was still falling, tracing rivers on the window, attracting Castiel who finally moved. He extended his arm and touched the water from behind the window. He loved rain… it could wash his soul. He hated storm… it was breaking it.
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Leyla listened to him silently. He talked to her about the end of the depression, the music afternoons and the looks shared. He talked about the storm, the bed, Castiel's fears that he couldn't express because he didn't know any way to do it.
She leaned back in her chair.
"I had a meeting with Mary and other doctors from St Gerry a few days ago, and when we talked about Castiel's case and how he had trouble progressing because he has no way to communicate properly, someone suggested we should meet someone in St James and ask for a specialist."
"A specialist of what?" Dean asked worried but curious.
"Sign language." She revealed.
Dean's face brightened suddenly.
"That's an amazing idea!"
Leyla smiled.
"Don't cry victory too soon though. We can't be sure the specialist will accept to help us."
"We'll find another one then!" Dean interrupted.
"Dean…" she said annoyed, making him understand she had more to say.
"Sorry." He replied twisting his fingers.
"If… and I insist on the IF, he accepts to help us, Mary wants to be the first to talk to him. Dr Roché has some special methods to work and Castiel is not just a patient like the others."
She could see Dean was worried.
"He's an excellent Doctor, I've worked with him before on young patient's cases and he made miracles."
"So you think it could work with Cas?"
"I honestly don't know, Dean. We don't know how Castiel sees our world, and words may have a different meaning for him than for us. I think he's aware of what happens around him, he's able to analyze it and eventually put words on it, but will it have the right meaning for us? Will we perceive what he truly means if he uses different words? That's why Mary wants to see Dr Roché before considering Dr Milton's proposition."
Dean looked down and frowned, confused. Mary was the boss here, it was her hospital and her doctors but would that Roché doctor accept to work with her on Castiel's case? Would he teach her his methods at the same time?
"Why do you say his methods are so special?"
"You'll see yourself."
He looked up.
"Mary wants the people close to Castiel to be able to communicate with him. What's the point of teaching him how to talk if he has nobody to talk to, right?" she said smiling at him.
"Will Roché accept my presence? I'm not a staff member anymore."
"Mary will first ask someone else's help to teach us sign language bases, because Roché will take care of Castiel exclusively. A lot of centers have volunteers that are ready to give their time to teach us. Roché can even give us some addresses, he knows the right people."
"Ah." Dean replied with disappointment in his voice.
"Nothing is settled yet, it's still just a project. Roché has to accept first, but he has a reputation to hold so he will probably take it as a challenge… he loves challenges. Problem is… St James Hospital doctors are paid well, but working in St Gerry, Roché would be paid less."
"He could refuse just for a matter of money?"
"That's not Roché's style… he makes a lot of money with his job in St James and his conventions, but still a few doctors refused to work here because of the pay check."
"Or it was just a lame excuse…"
"That too…" Leyla laughed. "Psychiatric environment can scare even brilliant doctors, we can't blame. We all have our specialties."
"So what about Roché?" Dean asked losing patience.
"If he accepts Mary's offer, she will introduce him to Castiel, and if he judges there is a chance for it to work, we will start the sessions."
"How long will it last?"
"It will last as long as we need it, Dean."
"Will it be like the dolls' sessions or Mary's visits?"
"What do you mean?"
"Can I attend?" he asked harsher than he wanted to sound.
"I'm afraid not… What I accepted with you wasn't very professional, Dean, and if Castiel wasn't such a specific case and hadn't been so connected with you, I wouldn't have accepted those sessions. Mary has a very personal view of psychiatry, it's something rare and precious for us, but there still are rules to follow and limits to not cross."
"I know that." He whispered.
"But you'll attend the sign language classes, of course."
"Thanks." He said with a weak smile.
"Now let's wait for fate to do the rest."
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Dr Roché accepted to meet Mary after a short phone call. He heard about Castiel before, and as Leyla supposed, he was very intrigued by the case and interested in the challenge he represented. Roché had a swaggerer and selfish reputation, he also was using his talking skills to get what he wanted professionally and personally.
He was a famous and talented doctor though, using new methods without being revolutionary. He associated several types of therapies into one, and was using sign language as a base. It was simple but nobody tried it before. In the medical system each doctor wants to be the best in his specialty and losing a reputation because of uncommon methods was easy and fast.
Roché wasn't like that, he never wanted to stay locked in one specialty and was always searching new ways to help patients. Psychiatry was a vocation to him, and he could work efficiently but still keeping his job pleasant. He had very good results and it was his pride.
Mary observed him while he talked about his job, the way he was reaching patients, his medicine skills, and the challenge a case like Castiel represented for him. She couldn't help but had an awkward feeling about the man: he obviously loved himself too much, persuaded his methods were the best and he was a unique doctor. Succeeding with Castiel would bring him a lot of honor. But he said all of this with honesty and never lied about himself.
She decided he was the doctor of the situation when he talked about his best success: Jess, a mute and blind child he cared about. He taught him how to talk only by touching the person in front of him. Of course he was very proud of it, and he could be, but she noticed he talked about this patient with deep tenderness. He was still seeing him regularly even if he was now independent. He just loved his job with passion and it was enough for Mary.
She then talked to him about Castiel's evolution, the way he can communicate, and his relationships with the staff members here. She proposed him to meet Leyla and he accepted. She shared her own experience with Castiel.
He just nodded, it seemed like he was taking mental notes, asking for deeper explanations on certain points and she could see in his eyes he was already trying to find solutions.
Then she talked to him about Dean and the special connection he had with Castiel. She informed him Dean would be attending the sign language lessons. Roché's assistant was in charge of these lessons as he requested. He said nothing about it, no approval but no refusal either.
They planned an appointment the next Thursday, Roché would then meet his future patient and was curious to finally meet the famous Castiel.
"See you on Thursday, Mary… if I can call you Mary, of course." He said smiling at her.
"Call me as you want, Balthazar." She replied grinning and he tilted his head, surprised she knew his first name.
"Call me Balty… it's less… formal."
Mary laughed, coming from a selfish man like him it was a real paradox. When she shook his hand firmly that day, she was certain she made the right choice.
"Thank you, Balty. Thank you for him."
"You'll thank me during a nice dinner if I can make him talk, alright?"
"I'm married."
"And?" he smiled.
"See you on Thursday."
"Yes. 3 pm."
He left as he came in: selfishly and very proud of him.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Leyla informed Dean the day after, at lunch. She explained Mary accepted Roché to meet Castiel on Thursday afternoon, and asked Dean no to visit Castiel that day. He nodded reluctantly and didn't speak the whole lunch. He hated to feel isolated like that, especially when it was about Castiel. Leyla had her occupational therapy sessions with him, Mary wasn't saying anything to him about Castiel's evolution, and now that Roché guy probably would teach him how to talk without him being involved either.
"I have an appointment on Thursday. I'll visit him Friday." Dean said.
"With Suzanne?"
"No. Gaby probably found me a job."
"The Gaby who organizes underground fights?"
"He knows a lot of people."
"What kind of job is it?" she insisted.
"Supervisor in Mc Arthur School."
"Supervisor?"
"Yes. The old one is retiring, I don't need a degree to watch kids, I just need to look if they don't do craps, and I'll have a little paper work to do too. It's not paid too badly and at least I will have a real job."
"Will you leave St Gerry?"
"I have little money left and I don't want to be kept by this hospital's charity."
"Mc Arthur School is less than 15 minutes away, right?"
"Yeah. Gaby knows I don't wanna go too far." He said playing with his fork.
"Does Mary know?"
"No. I'll wait till I'm sure I got the job, and I won't start before January anyway. You're the only one to know and I don't want you to tell anyone for now."
He leaned in his chair with a serious face.
"Who would have thought you would be here a few months ago? I'm very proud of what you became, Dean. I'm very proud of the path you chose."
"I'm overwhelmed about all of this." He confessed blushing a little.
"Life is full of surprises and it can happen we get lost."
"Right." He said putting his fork down.
"You think this gonna work?"
"What? Mc Arthur or Castiel?"
"Both…" he smiled.
"For Mc Arthur, you can name me as a reference and I'll be glad to help. A supervisor with your past is a gift. And for Castiel… I honestly don't know. He made so much progress in a few months already, he revealed his hell. We just need to know if he's ready for more or if we have to give him some time."
"He will agree to go on… there is still too much pain in him but he doesn't know how to say it, I can feel it. He has no way to do it and I can't help anymore." He said looking down.
"Dean Winchester I forbid you to run away or to give up, you hear me?" she scowled. "he will learn how to talk, maybe, but he will talk only to you about what he feels. Roché will give him the means of communication, but he will confide to you."
"You must think I'm pathetic." Dean said sadly.
"Absolutely not. You have such a strong connection with him that you have a hard time leaving the place to the doctors, but you do it anyway. It would be pathetic if you wouldn't let Castiel open up to anyone else but you, but it's not what it is. I know it can be hard but you're strong."
"You still think one day he will be able to get out of his room and live somewhere else?"
"Yes." She said without an hesitation.
Dean laughed about it.
"At least it's clear."
"It will take time but he will climb that final step."
"He almost did once." He said remembering the day he was about to step outside but didn't dare doing the last step.
"Keep believing. He will do it."
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Gaby was waiting in front of his apartment and Dean felt his heart break a little when he saw his ex-mentor standing against the wall with an elegant dark blue suit. Dean was wearing his usual jeans, a sweat shirt and his leather jacket.
When he heard the engine noise, Gaby looked up and waved at him while he crossed the street to meet him. He got in the car and greeted him.
"Hi!"
Dean turned to look at him.
"Hi, Gaby."
Gaby smiled scratching his two-days beard.
"You look good! Are you in love?" Gaby joked.
"Maybe." Dean replied starting to drive.
"Are you kidding me?" Gaby asked surprised.
"Are you showing me the way?"
"Just drive straight." Gaby said fastening his belt. "Now tell me everything." He said turning the radio off.
"Gaby…" Dean sighed.
"No Gaby please! I've lost money since you left, you owe me this!"
"I'm sorry, Gaby."
"What a moron you are sometimes! You think I didn't earn money before you arrived? Don't you worry about me… I found a new fighter." He winked.
"Do I know him?"
"Nope. He's new. He was in the army in Iraq. He lost everything except his rage."
"Does he love it?"
"I don't think so, he's bad luck but he's strong. He fought ten times and won ten times, but he doesn't love it." Gaby said looking outside.
"Are you trying to save all the lost souls?"
"Oh you shut up! It's your fault, I should've broken my leg the day I met you."
"I'm glad you didn't, because that day you saved my life."
Dean heard Gaby mumbling.
"Turn right!" he said without looking at him.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Roché looked inside and saw Castiel standing at the window. He turned toward Leyla who came along to introduce him. They entered but Castiel didn't move.
Leyla looked at him in the window's reflection and their eyes met. She sighed in relief, at least he was here fully awake. She could perceive he wasn't comfortable because Dean wasn't here and he didn't know the man with her.
"Castiel…" she said stepping toward him. "This is Dr Roché, and he's here to help. He will teach you how to talk to us. You understand?" she said trying to catch his look.
Castiel could feel the man's look on him, and after a few minutes, he dared looking up at him, through the reflection, without turning around, and Roché smiled.
"Hello. I'm Dr Roché." He said insisting on each syllable, making signs with his hands at the same time.
"I am here to help you." He went on, stepping closer.
Castiel tilted his head and turned to look at Leyla.
"Castiel!" Roché called, then he spelled his name using signs. "C-a-s-t-i-e-l"
He turned towards the doctor when he heard his name, and followed his fingers with his eyes… he was very intrigued. He turned towards Leyla again and she smiled at him.
"It's called sign language. The words you have here…" she leaned her finger on his forehead "you will be able to say them using this." She showed her hands and made the moves for him to understand. "You understand?"
He tilted his head again and turned to Roché to look at his hands.
So… hands could be used to talk instead of touching and corrupting him? They could do something else than beating?
He looked at his own hands and moved his fingers… could they talk too?
Roché stepped forward and Castiel stepped back. He looked at Leyla who hadn't moved from the window. She comforted him with a smile.
"Do you want to learn?" Roché asked, still trying to catch his look. He was still moving his fingers every time he talked and if Castiel wasn't looking at him in the eyes, he was at least obsessed with his fingers.
"Castiel?"
He suddenly looked up to meet Roché's eyes and the doctor was shocked… he could almost hear the "yes!" he was screaming with his eyes, extending his arms to him.
Roché took a few seconds to recover and turned to Leyla.
"I'll start next Monday, and I'll come twice a week. I'll see with Mary how to organize the staff lessons. They'll have to practice with him the most they can."
"Don't rush anything, Balty. Castiel is not a patient like any other." She said looking at him, going back to the window. "He progresses as he wants to and sometimes he just doesn't want to do anything."
"I've read the file and the records, thank you. I know how to be patient when I need to, and I won't be alone." He turned toward Castiel. "I would like to meet that Dean Winchester."
He saw Castiel reacting when he pronounced his name.
"He's not here right now." Leyla said.
"Because of me?"
"Not only." She smiled.
"I'll see him on Monday then."
"Alright."
"Goodbye, Castiel." He said looking at the reflection.
Castiel stared at his fingers playing with his voice.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
"Goodbye, Mr. Winchester. We'll see you on January 2nd when school starts."
Dean stood up and shook the hand of the director of Mc Arthur School. He had the job, but he would be on trial period till the end of the school year as he had no degree. If he was good enough he would be hired for the next school year.
He looked at Gaby who didn't say anything.
"I'm buying you a drink to celebrate!" Dean said shutting the car's door.
"I'd prefer a Rolex but whatever…"
"Gab… Thank you."
"No thank you, just whisky. Drive!"
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
When Dean came back in St Gerry, he saw Leyla waiting for him on the front stairs. She smiled when she saw him.
"So?" she asked.
"I got the job." He said smiling back at her. She stood up and gave him a warm hug, which made him feel very uncomfortable as he wasn't used to it, but he hugged her back anyway.
"Roché accepted to take care of Castiel and he wants to meet you." She whispered in his ear.
He hugged her tighter for a moment before letting her go.
"What will happen?"
"We're going to teach hi…"
"NO!" Dean interrupted her brutally, a panic look on his face. "That's not what I meant! What will happen now? It's too much and too fast, everything is going great and it's bad luck, something bad will happen, that's always how it is!"
He stepped back almost falling when he missed a step.
"Dean…" Leyla caught his arms.
"It's not normal. It can't be that good." He said in a broken voice.
"Don't you think you both had enough bad things happening? Don't you think it's time to move on to good things now?"
"No! No! No!" Dean screamed still stepping back.
"Dean! Look at me!" she ran after him and caught his face. His eyes were full of tears. "Happiness can hurt too…"
"But why?" he begged.
"Because it's new for you, and for him… Because you fought for this way too long, and because you refuse to admit you actually deserve it."
"I'm so scared it will end…"
"There is no reason. You're happy, you love him and he loves you back. You share your happiness and he feeds it… you're not alone anymore."
"It scares me to death." He confessed falling on his knees when suddenly the emotions were unbearable.
Leyla crouched down in front of him and cupped his face.
"You deserve it, Dean. Don't be scared. You'll still have moments of doubt and pain but you won't be alone anymore. Life is giving you a gift, just take it. There is always light somewhere… always."
She hugged him tight and let him cry his fear out.
Castiel observed the whole scene, his hands leaning flat on the window.
He looked at his hands and took them down, moved his fingers and mimed a "C" as Dr Roché did earlier. He had no idea what it meant, he didn't know it was his first name's letter. He just knew he could do it.
He looked up at the ceiling… the skylight was definitely gone. He just threw away the last key of his attic.
End of chapter XXII