CHAPTER 24: THE CHOICE OF A LIFE

Dean and Suzanne's relationship ended as it started: between silences and looks, on a few words and a few held back tears.

A choice… once again he had to choose.

He wiped the single tear falling down his cheek and kept staring at the road, he couldn't drive fast because it was snowing. Snow started to fall a few days ago and everything was white and seemed so pure now. The police even had to block the usual road Dean used to come back from Suzanne's place.

He spent the night with her… But after all, he knew he couldn't hope for such a full happiness, he knew it wouldn't last, it was too good to be true. He sighed deeply to evacuate the weight of his feelings in his chest.

She asked him to choose, and he figured it was a sign. She was leaving for nurse's school and Dean was leaving for Mc Arthur School, but she wanted to share her life with him so much that she forgot to care about his past still haunting him. He wasn't ready for this, he was still fighting his demons to find his place in this world. She forgot a scar never disappears.

He needed to take a decision that would mean the world to him and to her. She loved him, she told him a lot, but he never replied, and she realized she needed to hear it, she needed to know, so she took the risk to push him but she had no choice. She would at least know if they could go on or they had to stop it here. She had to make him face what they were for each other because their lives would change and they would have to take a new start. Of course she wanted to take it with Dean.

Problem was… Dean wanted to keep the control of his own life, it was still so fragile. He found the control of his past when he accepted it, so now he didn't have to fight with it every day. The new Dean was a survivor.

He made choices for her already, but she refused to see them. She couldn't see the obvious. He had his own apartment, and he accepted to work as a supervisor in Mc Arthur School without telling her. He declined Mary's offer to stay in St Gerry. That were Dean's choices, the choices of his new life, but she didn't understand he needed to be independent and free about his life. He just needed to be himself.

She didn't understand he wanted her to be a part of the trip either, he really wanted her by his side… but she was too sure she would be his only choice and she forgot to deal with the patience that first built their relationship. She forgot Dean walked in the darkness for 30 years and he just saw the light.

He felt trapped in a new cage when she asked him to choose, and he couldn't take it. Why would she do that? Did she doubt about his feelings? He revealed himself to her, he told her everything she needed to know, and he thought she listened and understood but obviously he was wrong: she only held on the idea they were made for each other and he would always choose her.

It was too fast, she didn't give him the time to live this new relationship, he didn't know how to be in love, he was still full of doubts and he wasn't sure how to build such a romantic relation with her. He felt trapped and betrayed: she didn't trust him enough to give him the time he needed to learn this new life with her.

He was so determined to give himself fully, not just a part of him, his entire soul, but she didn't understand, she didn't see it… she didn't feel it. She saw only his pretty face in the mirror, but there was more than that.

They walked together but their paths never met. Some decisions break lives, and a single word broke Dean's life: CHOICE. "Choose to be by yourself, or choose to be with me". He wasn't ready to make this sacrifice, not now that he was existing for real.

He would leave St Gerry in a few days to work in Mc Arthur School. The director of the school, Mr. Flanigan, had fought for years to give hope back to young people who lost it. His goal was to give them purpose, a future they could hope for, and dignity. Dean liked that, he took it as a motivation even if he knew it would be hard. It was a whole new responsibility, and he also would have to guess the pain behind their eyes… It wouldn't change from St Gerry that much after all.

The director had little money, government never gave too much for schools like Mc Arthur, but he had courage and hope and he was fighting hard to save the teenagers he was responsible for.

Gaby always knew that job was made for Dean. He would love saving people and showing them the way. He was the living proof anything is possible, and he felt every employee in the school shared the same point of view, that's why he accepted.

Dean smiled in the mirror view… but it was a sad smile, leaving his place in St Gerry would be very hard. He found a new apartment but he knew it wouldn't be the same.

He was full of hope, and he had tons of projects, but everything broke when Suzanne asked him to come after his class with Julian that afternoon.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dr Roché and Julian were coming twice a week in St Gerry. It's been a month since they started Castiel's program. Dr Roché was focusing on Castiel and never interrupted Julian's classes.

Julian created two classes: he was teaching sign language to Dean, Missouri, Mary and Leyla on Mondays, and he was teaching Garth, Kevin, Phil and Armand on Thursdays.

Mary couldn't pay them for the classes, so usually they were doing it during their lunch break or their free time.

They learnt the basics pretty fast: the sign alphabet and how to spell words, so Julian could go to the next step after four weeks only. They could now learn how to form sentences associating symbolism and faces expressions, to have a real conversation. It was the hard part because there were so many things to think about at the same time, and Dean had a hard time with it because he felt like it was talking to an idiot… but Castiel was mute, but not deaf and he was smart!

Of course Dean was still visiting Castiel as often as he could, between his sessions with Dr Roché and Mary. Leyla's sessions were suspended, she could go on after Dr Roché's work would be done.

Dean was coming as soon as he had free time, with or without his guitar, it didn't matter as the most important was that he was here with him. He loved talking to him and seeing that sparkle in his eyes proving he understood. They were enjoying being together, it was that simple. It was like finding a new brother and a friend, the other half of his soul.

Their friendship was not very physical, they just needed to share the same space, just hanging out together, standing at the window looking outside as the autumn was leaving to winter and its magical snow.

Castiel was still listening to Dean a lot, but despite all the effort with sign language, he was staying mute and locked, refusing to use any form of communication with anyone. They all kept using signs to talk to Castiel because Dr Roché ordered it, but Castiel was just staring at them and their magic fingers, not knowing what to do when they waited for an answer.

Dean was convinced he understood everything though, he spent one afternoon only talking with his hands and Castiel got everything… so why was he so stubborn and refused to communicate ?

Dean asked Dr Roché about it, but he wouldn't answer. He was still coming twice a week unshakably, sharing his sessions only with Mary.

Dean discovered another side of Dr Roché: during a coffee break Julian told him they were coming in St Gerry without being paid. Mary proposed a salary but he refused, saying Castiel was much more than a patient. Julian followed him because he was a loyal assistant, fascinated by his mentor. Julian was probably 25 or 26 and wasn't looking very solid, he even had a very high and weak voice, but he knew how to communicate his passion to his students. He was a very patient man with a sharp sense of humanity.

Dean liked him but stayed distant, he always had a problem building a relationship with people he knew he wouldn't see afterward. He was conscious he would have to work on that too and he actually hoped his job in Mc Arthur School would help.

Dean was also conscious he would never leave St Gerry forever as it became his family, he was determined to keep it no matter what.

Suzanne destroyed everything though…

Dean stopped at the refectory's door and saw that Leyla was sitting in the back, near the kitchen. She was reading a file with her plate next to her. He took a deep breath and stepped in.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Castiel was standing at the window, his right hand leaning on it. He tried to catch the snow that started to fall again. Snow was weird… it was white and bright but it was hiding the sun too…

Dean entered the room looking down, his hands in his pockets. Castiel looked at him in the reflection and understood something was wrong so he turned around.

"Cas… we need to talk." Dean said looking up at him. "I'll have to leave St Gerry." He confessed quickly.

Castiel didn't move, confused.

"You remember when I told you about Mc Arthur School ?" he asked him stepping forward. "Well I'm starting my new job there in a few days, and I found an apartment not too far from here. It's not fancy but it will be good enough. I've known worse." He said remembering the crapy motel rooms he stayed in for years.

Castiel was still standing at the window not doing anything. He was just staring at the open door and was listening to Dean's voice, his eyes were half closed.

"Cas…" Dean pleaded in a whisper. "I will have to make an important choice that will probably break me into pieces. But I have to do it… happiness comes with a price obviously."

He looked at Castiel but he was still not moving.

"Cas… I'm afraid you're the price I'll have to pay." Dean confessed looking down, his eyes full of tears.

Castiel stared at him, he seemed to not understand.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

He stepped towards Leyla who looked up from her file and smiled at him. She quickly understood he wasn't just here to take a coffee.

"I need to talk to you." He said to her.

"You want to go in my office?" she proposed closing the file, worried about his tone.

"No." he whispered.

"Ok… sit down then."

He did so and leaned in his chair looking down, his hands crossed on his thighs.

"Dean?" Leyla encouraged.

"I was with Suzie yesterday…"

He paused but Leyla stayed quiet. She didn't want to push him, she knew him now, he needed to talk as slow as he wanted or he would close like an oyster. He was shy talking about his feelings, even when it was about Castiel, but he also knew he had no one else to turn to. He trusted Leyla, maybe as much as he trusted Castiel.

He liked the fact she was always listening without interrupting to judge him. He knew he could be honest with her since the day she sat in front of him and accepted to help Castiel.

Could she save him too now?

He looked up at her and she smiled again to comfort him. Mark appeared and put a cup of coffee on the table.

"Thanks." Dean said.

"Welcome!" Mark replied on his way back to the kitchen.

Dean grabbed the mug and clumsily played with it.

"Suzanne's training is over, she passed her exam and she's now officially a care-taker."

"I know."

He kept staring at his mug… if she knew about this, she must know about what was coming next.

"She… she wants to study to be a nurse now, to work in psychiatry. She will leave St Gerry because she found a school far… far away from here." He said pulling his hand in his hair.

"She's leaving…" he said with tears in his eyes.

"I know, Dean… Mary told me because Suzanne wanted to give her time to find someone else to replace her."

"You've known it for how long?"

"Last Friday but she made me promise to not talk to you about it, she wanted to do it herself." She confessed looking down.

"I see…"

"I wasn't happy about it, you know… But she's the one sharing your life so she's the one who needed to come to talk to you."

"She asked me to follow her." He interrupted, and a heavy silence settled.

"And?"

"I don't know." He said holding his tears. "I don't know anymore." He whispered.

"It could be a new start, and it's a choice you're free to make yourself."

"Free?" he repeated raising his voice.

"Yes, Dean: it's her… or this." She said looking around her.

"Right! Her… Her or Cas!" he finally said it, not being able to hold his tears back so he quickly wiped his cheek.

"Distance can't be a problem between you and Castiel, you know that, right?"

"But it will be! I don't wanna lose her but I refuse to leave him! I can't just abandon him like that!"

"She never asked you to abandon him. She asked you to live with her. She just wants to know if you love her enough to follow her."

"This is what love is about? That kind of choice? Do you love me enough to make such a sacrifice? I thought love was about living happy together and sharing things! That sounds more like blackmail to me!"

"It's not, Dean. But there are always decisions to make to keep going, and they are sometimes very hard as you can see. Did you… have you talked to Suzanne about a future together?"

"She talked about it… I listened. But I'm not ready for this, it's new and it's going too fast. The only future I was thinking about was Mc Arthur School and Julian's classes. That's all."

"What about Castiel?"

Dean smiled.

"He's my only long term project."

"Suzanne is not?"

"It's different. I like being with her, I like what we share, but she wants us to live together, she wants kids, she wants a happy-family-apple-pie life, and I'm certainly not ready for this. She says she understands and she'll give me all the time I need, but I don't need time… I need a different past and I don't want a new family, I had enough with the one I had, and I'll probably never be able to start a new family. She will hate me for this, she will end blaming me for this! Her vision of a perfect life is not the same as mine."

"Did you say that to her?"

"I tried but she said she loves me and she can believe in this for two."

"Do you love her too?"

"I… I like her a lot and I feel good with her but I feel like I can't be free… why?"

"Do you feel good enough with her to leave everything you have here? Do you love her enough to give up everything and start something new with her? That's what you need to ask yourself, and if the answer doesn't come naturally, then you'll know what to do."

"It's absolutely crazy… it's going so fast!" he said rubbing his face.

"You've been together for months, if you don't see any future with her, you have to be honest and tell her."

He sighed.

"I know… life can be full of hard choices, but it makes you who you are. What are you afraid of? Losing her or losing what she represents for you?"

She took a sip of coffee.

"Nothing will stop you from visiting Castiel, even if you follow her. You can come every weekend. Mary told you: you're home here and you'll always be. There will always be a place for you between those walls. Have you asked yourself why you hesitate so much?"

"Hell yeah I can't stop wondering since yesterday!"

"Would you still hesitate if Castiel was transferred far from here?"

He sighed again.

"No… But I told you, it's different. I'm attached to Castiel, but this is Suzanne we're talking about." He said looking down.

"So what's the problem? Why do you hesitate?"

"Because I refuse to sacrifice a part of me for someone else!"

"If she loves you that much, and I think she does, she won't ask you to really do it. She just needs to know you're ready to do it for her."

"She knows I won't choose anyway, I told her it wasn't possible for me to do that, she can't just make me chose!"

Leyla took another sip of her coffee thoughtfully.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

"You just can't force Dean to make such a choice, Suzanne!"

"I love him, Leyla! I love him so much… but I have the feeling I have only one half of him."

"You knew that since he arrived in St Gerry! He never hided it!"

"I know, but I want to build my life with him, and I need to know."

"If you'd really cared about Dean, you wouldn't ask him such a sacrifice."

"I'm not asking him to give everything up! I'm just asking him to choose me." Suzanne said leaning her hand on her chest. "You can't understand what it is to love a man who is only half yours. I need all of him!"

"You're making a terrible mistake here. You will lose him, that's all you're going to win! You need to give him more time, it's so new for him!"

"It's only two hours from St Gerry, I'm just giving him the opportunity to start a new life with me somewhere else."

"He already has a new life, Suzanne… Mc Arthur, his apartment… you. And you want to take that away from him to build new walls?"

"He deserves to be happy! And I want to be the one who will give him that happiness."

"You were doing it right until today. With time and patience you could get anything you want from him, but now you'll just break him again and all you'll have left will be regrets."

"That's a risk I have to take. If he loves me, he'll follow me."

"This is where you're wrong: it has nothing to do with love. You didn't understand anything."

Leyla stepped away angry, leaving Suzanne alone in the lobby.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

"What am I supposed to do, Leyla?" Dean asked staring at the dark reflection of his coffee.

"I can't make that decision for you, Dean. I'm sorry. Plus I'm a terrible example to follow when it comes to romantic relationships, believe me." She laughed.

He looked up at her.

"I will turn 32 and when I come home, nobody's waiting for me. I sacrificed that part of my life for my career and I don't regret it. I just love what I do. Seeing a patient healing, succeeding even if it appears impossible as it was for Castiel, those are my greatest rewards. I've made my choice a long time ago, and today it's your turn. I can't do it for you, but I'll support you no matter what you choose."

"But imagine you could choose for me…"

"I just told you, Dean… I made my choice a long time ago." She said smiling.

He smiled back sadly.

She finished her coffee quietly. She told him, and he had everything he needed to choose. It was just depending on him now.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

It took a long time, with Melvin's help, to put chains on his car's tires. They laughed, cursed and slid a lot, and Dean needed this. Melvin noticed something was wrong with Dean and he decided to help him even if he didn't want to.

Dean made his choice, and even if he knew it would get better with time, he was hurting badly. He looked up to look at St Gerry's mansion. He noticed the small gargoyles for the first time… they were here like guardians of the lost souls. He stared at them a long time.

Melvin took his cap back and threw the snow sticking on his pants away. Dean shivered, leaning on his car.

"We'll miss you, you know?"

"Not as much as I will."

"You'll come back, right?"

"Sure, every week. You don't think you will get rid of me so easily, do you?" he asked smiling.

"I wished!" Melvin joked crossing his arms. "Why didn't you accept Mary's offer?"

"Because I need my independence now. Staying here is not the right solution anymore and Mary got it. I'm pretty sure she proposed me the job wishing I would refuse."

Melvin tilted his head.

"You know, like it was a way to make sure I was ready to go." Dean explained with a wink.

"Are you?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I don't even know if I'll be ready one day but I have to take the chance, because today, despite my past life, I'm proud of what I became and what I've done with my life. It may sound a bit selfish but still…"

"It's not selfish at all." Melvin interrupted. "You've got all the reasons to be proud of yourself."

"Thank you… for being always here."

"We'll all always be here for you. It's a big family here, and you're a part of it, don't you ever forget it!"

"I can't forget." He said looking at him. "I'm not really leaving, there's a part of me that will always stay between those walls. They saved my life and…" he looked up at the third floor. "I have someone who counts on me. I owe him."

"You told him you'd come less?"

"No…" Dean smiled. "It's not necessary."

"Excuse me?"

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

He called Suzanne and asked her to come to their favorite restaurant. He didn't say why and she didn't ask. When she hung up, she already knew.

Dean sat on the bed to face Castiel who still wasn't reacting.

"You don't seem to understand, Cas."

Castiel turned his head to look at the window, like he didn't want to look at Dean.

"Suzanne is leaving St Gerry."

He saw Castiel's shoulder crashing down.

"She asked me to come with her, to live with her."

He heard a thud: Castiel just knocked his forehead on the window.

"Oh come on, Cas, don't do this to me. Not you." He said with a low voice. "I'm not giving up on you. I promised I would always be here for you and I will keep that promise. I'll come to visit as often as I can."

Castiel lifted his hand and tried to catch the snowflakes on the window.

"Cas would you stop, please? I'm begging you here, stop running from me!" he stood up and when he arrived close to the window, he froze: a single tear was running down quietly on Castiel's cheek.

"Cas…" he called leaning his hands on his shoulder to make him turn around, but Castiel pushed him away. Dean insisted.

"You have to talk to me! I need to know what you're feeling!"

He looked at him straight in the eyes.

"Talk to me!" he said joining sign language to his voice.

"Cas, Talk to me!" he insisted.

Castiel turned around and stared at the sky.

"Fine… as you wish." Dean gave up with a broken voice.

He needed to get out of this room so he stepped toward the door. It was too much to take.

"I really wanted you to talk to me, I know, I'm an idiot. That's my choice anyway, and I have to take it myself… actually I already did but I needed… I needed you to tell me you were ok with it… like you did with the book, you remember?"

He was about to open the door when he heard hands clapping. Castiel just clapped to catch his attention and Dean froze. Castiel clapped again, and that time Dean turned around slowly. Castiel was standing right in front of him with a very concentrated face, staring Dean in the eyes.

Then he started moving his fingers hesitantly, thinking deeply about every move he was making.

Dean was totally unable to move and he was shattered in front of this man finally trying to say something as he could.

"Cas? Cas do it again, please." Dean asked, this time looking at his hands.

Castiel frowned, looked at him desperately, and started spelling the word with his fingers again:

"S – T – A – Y"

Their eyes met, Dean could hear him screaming through the blue of his eyes, like the first time they met. He stepped closer.

"Son of a bitch…" Dean said crying. "God… Cas!"

He pulled him and hugged him tight. Castiel, his arms hanging, was staring at the door.

Dean made his choice, and Castiel made his too.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

That evening, at the restaurant, they didn't argue. They just left each other.

Persuaded love was stronger than anything, Suzanne forgot it was all new for Dean and he couldn't compare it to anything else except his brother's or Castiel's love.

The choice was now obvious for Dean. He would not leave what he fought for so long. The old Dean and the new Dean were now a new person.

Just with a choice, she turned off the light of their new love, but she understood too late.

When he left the restaurant without looking back at her, she didn't cry. He didn't either.

When she closed her apartment's door behind her, she saw a few boxes waiting for her, and she realized she would start that new life alone. She gave up and cried for hours.

She left two days later.

Dean parked the Impala and looked at himself in the view mirror. His new life came with a price, and it was her. He leaned his forehead on the wheel and cried.

Enf of chapter XXIV