This is the last chapter of this fic

I would like to thank all readers, anonymous or not, to have taking the time to read this story.

Thank you to those of you who have the kindness to let me review and/or, to add me or this story in their favorites

Never forget that Dean, Castiel and Sam are not just fictional characters here, they are, above all, spokespeople of those victims who right now are suffering in silence ...

Thanks to Deedee66 and Esmeralda-Potter666

Special thanks to "Hiwatari-Winchester addict" and "Book Genius"…Your reviews gave me the courage to never give up, this final chapter is dedicated to you ... Thank you for your continued support.

CHAPTER 26: CROSSING DESTINIES

"January 12th:

I'm celebrating my 33th birthday today. They say Jesus died at that age, but I never felt so alive.

I look back at my past and I accept it, but it won't stop me from moving forward anymore. I won this. The way to redemption was often very hard, it was long and I wanted to give up a million times… I even did a few times. Between the Cage, the depression and punching walls, the need to give up and join him was heavy despite my promise.

Even if all my childhood and my pre-adult life were only violence, hate, guilt and destruction, I kept my strength to fight to prove the world anybody can win this.

Ordeals can kill you like they killed my brother, and epiphanies make you stronger like they did for me, and for Castiel.

I did not get up alone, I couldn't do it alone anyway. What I knew from happiness was only what I saw on TV or around me, it was just here but it was forbidden for us. I gave up on happiness because my only reason to live was Sam. Of course, my destiny proved me wrong.

I will never forget the look on people's faces: indifference, disbelief or contempt leaned on me and my brother and our distress. The scars were obvious but people chose to not see them.

I think about other victims every day: they suffer in silence behind closed doors, and when they go out, there is nothing worse than dealing with people's look. They judge you, they think you're a liar, and at the end you really believe you deserve what's happening to you.

Nobody deserves hell… or maybe torturers do… or people who know and let it happen without moving a finger to help.

But Sam and I were lucky enough to have good people around us, holding out their hands. They kept me from falling: Mr. Gardini, Mrs. Nora and Uncle Bobby, I owe you everything.

And then my life turned: there is nothing worse than seeing your own brother, the most important person in your world, the one you love with all your heart and soul, the essence of your life, becoming crazy and killing himself. The worst part is I know he did this for me, to save me. This is the bravest thing someone ever did for me, the greatest proof of love, but still it hurts because he sacrificed his own life to save mine, and now he's gone forever.

There is not a day I don't think about him, and I think I owe him a lot too. His suicide killed me first, but then it freed me. I'm still fighting for us today.

Sammy, wherever you are now, I love you.

After that, it was free falling. I couldn't feel any pain but at the same time it hurt like hell. I screamed through my fists, in the Cage, because it was the only way I knew. I didn't want to suffer anymore, and to stop suffering, you have to stop feeling, and stop loving too.

But destiny had a different plan for me. The cage was a release to my rage, my anger and my guilt. I should've cared more about my brother's pain, I should've seen it clearer, but when I think about it, how can you see the obvious when you're so obsessed with finding hope?

He was everything I had, he was my life, and I wanted to suffer only for him.

And there was Gaby… I would be dead today if it wasn't for him. He was the first person to teach me how to live out of hell. When you look back at your life, you see how important some people were. Gaby helped me twice: he gave me my new job in Mc Arthur School and I could start a new life. I owe him a lot too and even if I say that to him every time we meet, I feel like it will never be enough. He saved me.

There was Deveraux too… I don't even how to talk about this man who became a real father to me. Gaby saved me, but Deveraux gave me a new family. He believed in me when I didn't believe in anything, and he will probably believe in me forever. He showed me what I refused to see: I wanted to live but I didn't know how. I've never learnt to survive. Without him, I would've never known St Gerry Hall, the place that healed me, it became my new home. Inside this mansion, I realized I was alive and I could be loved for who I am, and even for who I was.

Without Deveraux, I would've never met Mary Campbell, Missouri, Garth, Phil, Kevin, Mark, Melvin and all the others. Those people are my family today, they are my best friends and they are my new life.

Without him, I would've never met Suzanne either… my Suzanne. I regretted leaving her for a time, but I know she's happy now, she finally found what she wanted and I couldn't give it to her. She deserves to be happy. She loved me, and she taught me how to love, like Nina did before. She woke up the man hidden behind the beast, and she proved me it was possible to love without destroying yourself or the one you love. She was my guide.

And you, Leyla… You're the one I share my life with, today. You always believed in me, and obviously you believed in us too. Our love is very strange when I think about it, but it's what I cherish the most today: we both follow our own way but we know how to cross the paths to live our love. We made our choices.

Do you remember when you told me about your professional choice? You told me you chose it over your personal life and it was full of rewards. Well I did mine too: those kids need me as much as I need them, and we found the balance.

I don't think I told you this a lot, but I really love you, Ley. I hope you know it.

I can't end this without talking about Cas, the awkward angel who turned my life again. I have no words to describe the connection we have. One day, Deveraux told me about soul mates, I think it's a good expression to resume our relationship. We were made for meeting each other, we were made to save each other. Our destinies crossed and they will never fall apart.

I will never forget our first look, it's engraved in my soul. You can't understand before you've met his gaze, it freezes you and takes you along with him.

I love Cas deeply, like I never loved anyone else. It's different from the love I had for Sammy, different from the love I have for you too. I don't know how to describe it, it's just pure love. That's the only expression I can use to express what it feels like to me. Words are so poor when I want to talk about him.

So this is it… I'm ending this fourth white book with my 33th birthday, and it will be the last. Another book won't be necessary because now I have you Ley, you're my open book.

I don't need any books anymore, because yesterday, Cas talked.

He turned to me with his huge smile, still barefoot in front of his precious window, in the jeans I gave him years ago and he still refuses to change, his grey washed-out shirt, he looked at me and I heard just a

"De…"

That's when I cried.

With all my love,

Dean."

Dean closed the white book and put it on his knees. He breathed out on his cold fingers, he was sitting on the front stairs, looking at the snow that made the park all white.

He looked up at the third floor… so many things changed.

He was still coming every weekend and when he wasn't too busy at work, he was coming more. It was vital for him, he never wanted to be alone again.

He walked to Julian a few times, he was still coming to help Missouri and Leyla a bit.

Leyla was working less in St James to spend more time in St Gerry Hall.

He couldn't tell exactly how their relationship began. He turned to her, as he always did because he trusted her, to talk about a case Dean had trouble dealing with in Mc Arthur. He was sure she would give him good advice. He ended up kissing her, and she looked at him in shock first, but then she smiled. He apologized and as an answer, she kissed him back.

Their love was easy: they were taken anything it could offer. There were no regrets, and they were living it step by step. After a few months dating each other, they realized they were in love, just like that.

Happiness is easy when you give it time.

He rubbed his hands together, it was so cold! But he didn't want to go. He stayed here remembering, because his past was still in his mind during those moments.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Sam ran fast to avoid it, but the snowball crashed in his neck, making him scream and laugh because it was cold.

Dean was hiding behind the old Manfred's car, preparing another snowball.

"6 to 3… I think I won, tiger! You better surrender!"

"Never!" Sam yelled.

He ran to the bus-stop shelter and breathed out in his cold hands. He had no gloves this year, but nevermind, he was happy right now and those moments were so rare it was worth being cold. He prepared a snowball and smiled. He knew where Dean was hiding and it was time for revenge.

Dean made small balls, he didn't want to hurt his brother, it was just a game, just to forget what would come later. But for now, their parents were at work and they had a little time to enjoy the day. School was canceled because of the snow, so they were free to enjoy the little happiness they could take.

Dean waited for Sam to prepare his attack: he walked out of the bus shelter around the cars, but the sound of his footsteps betrayed him, and when he was ready to throw his snowball proudly, Dean turned around and threw first. The snowball fell on Sam's face and Dean froze. Without releasing his snowball, Sam wiped his face. His hat moved at the back of his head with the shock and there was snow in his hair, his eyebrows were white, he had drops on his eyelashes, his cheeks were red, but his eyes were full of joy.

"Sammy?" Dean asked worried.

Sam started to laugh and it almost made Dean cry: it was so rare! He spontaneously pulled Sam and hugged him, the laughter stopped and tears appeared in his eyes. There were tears of happiness because he was so happy to play outside with his big brother. But then the tears tasted bitter, because he understood Dean's distress even if he was only 8, and he could share it.

Dean cried too, because he wanted to give Sam more than a laugh in a snowball fight, he wished he could give him a new life, and a normal childhood.

Sam released his snowball and hugged his brother back, and they stayed like this a few seconds, feeling alone in the world.

Snow started to fall again.

"Come on, we have to go inside." Dean said pushing his brother gently, taking care to hide his tears. "Take your stuff".

Sam picked up his bag and ran to hold Dean's hand. He hadn't done it in a long time, but he needed it right now, and he figured Dean wouldn't reject him. He was right: Dean took his hand and put it in his pocket, holding it tight.

It was the beginning of a new year, but tonight, they would go to bed after an evening full of violence, and God would forget about them the next 365 days... again.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dean sighed deeply. It seemed so far away in another life, but it was still living in his mind. It was like watching an old black and white movie, and if there were no scars on his body, he would probably end up thinking it was someone else's life, because his life was so great now.

He felt someone pushing on his shoulder. He almost forgot about him! It was too cold and it wasn't so good for Castiel who was still fragile. Mary said yes when Dean asked to take him outside a few minutes, but he realized they were here for almost an hour.

"Damn it, Cas… Sorry I was lost in my thoughts."

He couldn't help but laughed when he saw his bright blue eyes full of joy.

"Are you cold?"

Castiel shook his head no.

"Well we need to go inside anyway, you can't stay outside too long and you know it, you should've told me sooner."

Dean put his book in his jacket, stood up and rubbed his cold wet pants.

"Actually I may be the one getting sick."

Castiel stood up too, and Dean couldn't stop observing him. He was wearing his favorite jeans, but also a winter jacket, gloves, a scarf and a hat. All you could see from him was his bright happy look on his face. Dean thought maybe he exaggerated with the winter clothes, but he didn't want to make him sick. It was only the fourth time he went outside, and he was staying only on the front stairs, refusing to go further.

"Come on! We're going in." Dean said pulling him by his sleeve.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Castiel looked at the clothes leaning on his bed a long moment. Dean took them out of his plastic bag, and he showed him the jeans. He showed him how to change, unbuttoning his own jeans…Castiel froze… Dean had forgotten his past, just for a while…

He realized his mistake.

"Sorry… I'm an idiot sometimes."

Castiel looked at him and smiled. It happened more and more: a soft smile that was enlightening his face.

Dean showed the grey shirt, there was a tiny pair of black wings on the right side. Castiel always wore pajamas, he never had real clothes, like he was nobody, but it was time to change that, because he was someone now, especially for Dean. He wanted Castiel to see himself as a person and not as a patient anymore, and he hoped he would accept his gift.

Dean also took a pair of boxers and socks from the bag, and when he showed him the pair of sneakers he had for him, Castiel tilted his head.

"You won't spend all your life barefoot, will you?" he said putting them on the bed. "No laces… it'll be easier for you. And be careful about right and left ok?"

He looked at Castiel, who was very confused, and sighed.

"Alright forget about the shoes for the moment."

Castiel stepped towards the bed and observed the clothes.

"I bought basics… I hope you like it."

He didn't understand what Dean meant... Like it? He stepped closer and leaned a hand on the jeans, he didn't like that sensation on his skin.

He suddenly closed his eyes, remembering… the men never took the time to undress, and he could still feel that sensation on his skin. When he opened his eyes, he stepped back.

"Cas?" Dean worried. "You don't have to wear them if you don't want to, I just wanted…"

Castiel went back to the window and Dean followed.

"What's wrong?" Dean said, using signs to help him opening up.

But Castiel knew only sounds of the words he wanted to use, how could he tell him? He looked at his hands.

"Talk to me." Dean insisted.

He so wanted to speak right now, he needed to tell him because he didn't know the right signs for that. But how could he put words on rapes when he didn't even know what he endured had a meaning? It was just hell to him.

Then he remembered a word Mary used during his sessions, and he started moving his fingers to explain.

A – B – U – Z – E

Dean frowned.

"Abused?" that's what you mean?"

Castiel nodded, and he rubbed his palms together, like he did with the dolls before.

"Cas…" Dean said in a broken voice. "Look at me."

He lifted his chin.

"I am wearing clothes like these right now." He showed his clothes and pointed at the clothes on his bed.

"Are you scared of me?"

Castiel tilted his head again in confusion.

"I am wearing clothes… like them… but I never hurt you, right?"

Castiel quickly raised his hands to show him: N O.

He was afraid Dean wanted to leave now, he didn't want Dean to abandon him because he did something wrong. He couldn't believe Dean would think about himself as a torturer. He was lost and panicked, not knowing who to associate with the clothes, so he stepped back.

"Calm down, Cas. Look… I'm taking them back." Dean said stepping toward the bed.

But Castiel didn't want Dean to think he associated his gift to his torturer, he couldn't do that. It was a big misunderstanding. He leaned his hands on the clothes before Dean could take them back.

"Cas?"

Castiel pushed him away slowly and smiled. It was a shy and sad smile this time.

"Don't do it if you don't want to, ok?"

As an answer, Castiel pushed his hand harder on the pile of clothes. They would stay here. Dean stepped back lifting his hands in defeat.

The spent the rest of the afternoon side by side, in silence.

That evening, Castiel looked at the Impala driving away. Dean was leaving St Gerry Hall, a page turned.

He stared at the clothes, still on his bed, and then he looked at his own clothes. Garth tried to take them when he brought his meal, but Castiel stopped him, pushing him away like he did with Dean.

Knowing Dean was gone in another place, Castiel took the book from under his pillow, and for the first time in months, he lied on his bed and curled up, looking at the dark feathers of the crow.

That night, on his bed, the image of his past was here in the crow, and the image of his future was here too, in Dean's gift.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

The next morning, Missouri had a moment of panic when she didn't see him through the window. She opened the door, put the plate on the table and opened the bathroom's door. She remembered the bed story and looked under it.

"Castiel?" she whispered.

"Castiel!" she called again raising her voice.

He shivered, opened his eyes, scared, and met Missouri's gaze.

"What are you doing here? Come on, get out, your hot chocolate won't be hot for long if you stay there." She got up painfully. "God I'm too old for this!" She sighed.

That's when she saw the clothes on the bed and smiled, remembering Dean's plastic bag. When she bent to observe them, Castiel put his hand and the book on them.

"Relax I just wanna see them! May I?"

Castiel tilted his head but finally took his hand off. She picked the shirt and smiled when she saw the angel wings, and then she picked the jeans, trying to evaluate the size at the same time.

"I like!" she said smiling at him.

She stepped away and came back to the table.

When she left the room, Castiel stood up and stayed a long time observing the clothes on his bed, he finally took them and went to the bathroom.

When he took his pajamas off, he shivered. He wasn't that cold, but he could feel something coming from inside him, making him shiver. He was standing here looking at the jeans, and he touched it from his fingertips… he really disliked that sensation, so he threw it across the room. He crouched down and curled up against the bathtub, surprised to feel desire between his legs.

He never touched it again, except to wash because they forced him to, but he hated that part of his body and he ignored it most of the time since he arrived in St Gerry.

He tilted his head and slid his hand in his boxers. He leaned his head against the bathtub when he felt his warm hand on his hard penis, and quickly stopped, taking his hand away, but the desire was still here, hurting him to death.

He slid his hand again and tears silently fell from his eyes while he was enjoying his touch. He hated himself for enjoying this, but it was like his body needed it. But this time was different… he was doing it to himself, nobody forced him to. He remembered the first time he did it, before she surprised him and almost broke his wrist. It was the only time he felt this kind of pleasure, but it also was the beginning of hell and rapes.

The more he thought about it, the quicker his hand rubbed his shaft, trying to release him. He came seconds later, arching his back in a soft scream. He lied on the floor and cried, curled up like a scared child, overwhelmed by his memories.

His body just took back the control of his needs and his desire. He was not the attic boy anymore… he was just Castiel.

It took a few minutes for him to stand up. He washed off and got dressed. He felt empty, it was like someone else was moving for him. It took him forever to understand how to button the jeans, and when he was done, he couldn't look at him in the mirror.

He felt confided in those clothes, they were very tight. It was the first time he was wearing real clothes and he almost felt like a prisoner, it was uncomfortable.

He finally looked up and saw his own reflection: his messy hair, his blue eyes… he lifted his hand and touched his shirt, still observing himself. Was it really him?

He stayed barefoot, not trying to put the sneakers on. He stepped out of the bathroom to go back to his window, and froze when he saw his entire reflection in it. He extended his arm but he was too far from the window to touch it. If he'd step closer, he would lose the reflection of his full body.

He looked down to look at his toes, then his jeans… it fitted him pretty well after all. He caressed the fabric and looked back at his reflection, touching his face to check it was really him standing in front of this window.

For the first time in more than thirty years, Castiel understood he was a real human being, and he was alive, he was like everyone else. He just recovered.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dean remembered the day he saw him all dressed for the first time: when he arrived in St Gerry, everybody was smiling at him, he didn't ask anything but it felt very awkward. And when he entered Castiel's room and saw him with his jeans and shirt on, he couldn't help but took him by his shoulders and looked at him from head to toe, smiling proudly. He was smiling so much he thought he would never be able to stop.

"Dude! You're handsome!" He said tapping his shoulder.

Castiel needed a few days to move with ease in his clothes… and it took a few days for him to understand he needed to change to go to bed. Missouri and Garth used tons of patience to explain to him he needed to take the clothes off and wear his pajamas again. He didn't want to leave them anymore.

The first week Dean worked in Mc Arthur was great, but living alone in his apartment was harder. He was used to motel rooms, and he liked his place in St Gerry, but this was different.

It was like for Castiel: he had to adapt to his new life style, and just like him, he had trouble recognizing himself in the mirror sometimes.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

After four other months, Castiel accepted to climb the final step.

Missouri waited for him in the corridor, like she's been doing for three weeks already. It was Dean's idea: a familiar face waiting for him should give him the courage to step in the unknown world.

Castiel was stepping toward her looking from Dean to Missouri all the way, but he always refused to pass the door.

"Cas…" he called holding out his hand.

Castiel accepted a lot of things, but taking a hand was impossible for him. Nobody insisted because it was the only times Castiel could be aggressive, that simple gesture seemed to be the "ON" button to all his frustrations and fears.

Dean stepped next to him and held him by his shoulders.

"We go out together, ok? At 3." He offered, praying this time Castiel wouldn't let the fear win.

"1… 2… 3!"

Missouri jumped from her chair, and Dean couldn't even breathe or look at him. Time froze.

Castiel was leaning against the corridor's wall, his eyes closed tight, and his heart bouncing in his ears.

"Cas… Cas, open your eyes! We're here, don't worry."

Dean's voice brought him back and he opened his eyes. He realized nothing changed: he was still alive, Missouri was still here, except she was standing up, and Dean was still here too, right next to him.

He made a huge step that day, and it took weeks for him to accept entering the day room. Mary cleared it for the occasion and no other patient could enter it that afternoon. Two months later, he stepped out of the corridor for the first time.

Two years and five months after he arrived in St Gerry, Castiel was transferred from the East Quarter to the West Quarter. He accepted to eat in the day room for lunch, but he always refused to communicate with any other patient. He made no friends, reaching only for nurses or doctors.

Dr Roché kept visiting him, Castiel had a particular affection for him. He enjoyed the man's company because he could feel he never considered him like a patient like others, and he always talked to him like he would talk to anyone else, not like he was an idiot. He was joking with him a lot, but Castiel never understood his sense of humor, tilting his head each time Dr Roché laughed alone from his own jokes.

With a lot of work and a huge patience, Dr Roché made the impossible: Castiel finally took the control of his voice back. When the doctor asked him what he wanted to try saying first, he pointed at Dean. Dr Roché smiled at that.

"As you wish, Cassy!" he said tapping his shoulder.

Dr Roché had the same relationship with Castiel that he had with Jess, the mute and deaf boy talking by touching people. The friendship took over the job.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dean entered the room and Castiel followed. He made him lose his winter clothes and looked at his jeans.

"Cas… those jeans are so used, I bought you new ones why don't you try them?"

"t-h-i-s-o-n-e" Castiel spelled with his fingers.

"I know you like this one, but look: there is a hole right here!" Dean replied pointing at his crotch. "… and much more" he added laughing. "Ok nevermind… we'll have hot chocolate, what do you think? I'm freezing!"

That's how Mary found them: sitting next to each other in the refectory, drinking their hot chocolate, Dean talking about his days in Mc Arthur and Castiel showing his progress proudly.

Dean teased him and ruffled his hair while Castiel tried to avoid it. She laughed, leaning against the door. She doubted he could drive away with him from this hospital one day, talking was the ultimate step to his recovery. He was too broken to endure the cruel world outside St Gerry. Dean accepted that idea, they would go out and sit on the front stairs, it was enough for him.

The lost Castiel standing at the window all day, knocking his head against it, was gone. Nobody meeting him now could imagine what he'd been through. He succeeded, he won this. They won this together.

She came back from her deep thoughts when Dean burst out laughing. She noticed he laughed at something Castiel said… she heard his voice for the first time. He hit Dean's shoulder because he was laughing at him.

"Don't… Dean..." He said painfully, with his husky voice. It was hesitant, broken and hurt, but it was his voice and it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever heard.

She wiped the tears falling down her face and met Dean's gaze. He wanted to know what it was to be happy, now he knew, even if it hurt first.

That's how the crow finally flew away cawing one last time, and he disappeared far away to never come back.

THE END

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Tell them that you heard them

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I'm proof that they must keep hope, there is always light at the end of the road

Thank you…

Love you all…