Chapter 7: Backdoor talks

The feast lasted until the guests were either falling asleep or drunk. It was incredible how parties got better when one had a man to dance with, especially one as seducing as Gerion. But he wasn't the only knight seeking my favors tonight: while in the past, only very ambitious second sons dared to ask me out for a dance, now it was like every man in the room wanted a song with the White Deer of Casterly Rock. The nickname made me laugh, since most people used to call me the Owl of the Rock due to my habit to glare. I hadn't changed, but obviously, now that someone officially wanted to sleep with me, everyone agreed that I wasn't that scary.

I finally had to make excuses when Jeyna started to behave as a drunken fool. I gave Gerion a short, almost prude kiss, collected my sister and started the somewhat long trip to her rooms. We weren't the first to leave: Tywin and Leo Lefford were long gone, and Kevan had retired when Dorna claimed to be tired. His utter devotion to his big-bellied woman was touching; I hoped Gerion would have the same attentions toward me during my pregnancies.

"So," Jeyna drawled. She didn't need help to walk, but she did look a bit unsteady. "Do you think Lord Tywin and Lord Lefford have finished negotiating the dowry yet?"

"They aren't negotiating anything," I spat. "Lord Lefford is an old friend of his, and Tywin doesn't like feast. They don't need negotiations to talk in private."

"Ah, yes, it's Tywin to you. Your friend Tywin's not your Lord, isn't it?" She shot me an ugly smile. "Is it true he's fucking you when you're pretending to count numbers together?"

I whitened with rage. Was that what people thought of me behind my back? I opened my mouth to answer, but the breath stayed stuck in my throat. It was unfair, completely unfair. None of those people knew me, and my sister, who did know who I was, should never have believed half of these nonsense.

"Do you really think no one sees how you look at him? Do you think Gerion doesn't see? Everyone knows you're in love with Tywin Lannister, and everyone think he threw you away for Alysanne Lefford..."

My hand flew before I could stop myself. I didn't have much strength in my arms, so the slap did no damage aside from a loud clap and a slight reddening of my sister's cheek. Still, I was ashamed. I had always taken pride in my abilities to argue and talk. To hit Jeyna was only a proof that she had won, and oh Gods she knew it.

"Gerion isn't good enough for you, is he? Every girl in the world would have wanted him! I would have, without a question! But you... you, you didn't want anything else than to be Tywin's whore, didn't you? I'm sure you thought you'd be perfect as Lady Paramount, giving orders like this castle is yours..."

"Enough!" My hand flew again. She tried to protect her face, but I was aiming for the hair. I caught a handful and pulled down, forcing her to bend. "I am no Lady Paramount, but I am a Lady. Your oldest sister, the one who is going to make a match for you. Would you like me to tell Tywin I'd happily have you marry lord Garrison Prester? Or perhaps I could sell you to some Ironborn out there. I'm sure you'd enjoy tremendously the life in the Islands."

I let go. She fell on her knee, more out of the wine than because of weakness. My sister wasn't weak. She was already taller than I was, with will and cunning. The fight would have gone differently had she been sober.

"He's an old, cold fish," she muttered. "He doesn't even notice you love him."

"There's nothing to notice," I retorted. "He is like a father to me."

"We had a true father, once," Jeyna said. "A father most of us never knew, but you never talk of him. I'm sure you're not even trying to remember him." She got up, slowly, and started to massage her head where I had grabbed the hair. "You may have a father, but the three of us, your family, we are orphans. You could at least have tried to be a mother to Eiline and Daena."

I closed my fist, dung my nails in my hands. I refused to hit her again, and couldn't find anything to say. Deep down, I knew she was right when she added: "You're a failure."

She resumed walking. I followed, trying, trying so hard to find something to say. But the truth was that I had been in love with Tywin. I wasn't dumb enough not to be conscious of my teenage crush. I had thought no one had known at the time. Was it the real reason for Gerion's refusal to marry me? And then, why did he finally agree? Because he understood I was over with the silly dreams, or only because of my promise to keep his bastard? Did he knew about Ser Tyssel as well?

We stopped in front of Jeyna's door.

"You know, there is a way to know if your dear Tywin is going to marry her."

She turned and faced me.

"Only, I want something in exchange."

"Make your offer," I said before I could change my mind, and decided it wasn't worth it.

"I will choose my husband."

"As you said, there is the possibility that Tywin will decide."

"Then promise to fight for my case. If I end up with lord Prester or a Greyjoy, I'll run away."

"Fine. I promise."

She opened the door and motioned me to follow. Her room was a lot smaller than mine and less furnished, an old, huge and heavily decorated board being the only fancy piece.

"We will have to scrawl a bit, but it's worth it," she explained, kneeling in from of the board. She emptied one of the lower cases, then took out what seemed to be a squared piece of wood. Then she literally disappeared in the cupboard.

I followed her on all four. We ended up in a cramped hallway. By the time I got to her, she had lit a small oil lamp. The darkness and closed walls made me feel claustrophobic.

"Now," she whispered, "we will have to be very quiet. We won't see anything, but we can hear, and so can they."

I followed her up some flight of stairs. The air was damp, everything dusty, and I feared I was going to cough. Finally she stopped. We were at a dead end ; for a second, I thought she had lost us, but then came the noises : glasses tinting, and a conversation resuming.

"I don't wish to be pushy, but I believe you will never breach the subject if I don't and, while that wine is indeed fantastic, I didn't bring my daughter to the hunt for wine tasting."

"Her company is very pleasant," Tywin answered politely. I heard Lord Lefford sight.

"I don't mean to give you lessons. But as your friend, I tell you this: you have to remarry. You can't continue like this."

"Like this?" asked Tywin, half annoyed, half surprised. "I'm perfectly well."

"No, you're not. I know you loved her, but it's been twenty years and you're still acting like a corpse. You have to at least try to..."

"I'm fine," Tywin stressed. "You can't expect me to be the man I used to be."

"Then tell me what the problem with Alysanne is. Don't feed me with the "I'm the problem"-bullshit, I won't buy it. I know you well enough, I know what kind of man you are, gods, that's why we're friends, you and I. If you're afraid she won't keep up with your peculiars tastes, I can assure you she finds it pretty attractive."

"It's got nothing to do with that."

"She's not your type?"

"She's beautiful and clever. Her husband will be a lucky man."

"Then why are you refusing? You're telling me she's perfect, and at the same time you don't want her?"

"The problem lies with me."

"Bullshit. I told you..."

"It's got nothing to do with my... taste for blood," Tywin said with a somewhat strangled voice. I had the feeling that now would be a good time to leave. He wasn't marrying her, and that conversation was getting far too personal.

I should never have come there in the first place, I now realized. What I did was treason: I was not only spying on my Lord, but spying on a friend, a father who was soon to be my brother. Even more uncomfortable was the silence, a long, heavy silence which could lead only to one result: a painful, very private revelation that shouldn't be heard that way, and certainly not by Jeyna.

Now was the time to get away, but for Tywin who, unknowingly, choose that very moment to spill the beans.

"I'm not attracted by women."

Lord Lefford was slower than I was to react. I grabbed Jeyna's elbow and showed her the way to her room, but she only put a finger to her lips, refusing to move Her eyes gleamed with excitement. We stopped all movements when the older man started to speak again.

"I was there at your wedding night. It is hard to believe that you could be... er... one of these..."

Tywin cut him immediately, more than indignant: "I'm not "one of these". I don't, and never liked men. What are you taking me for?"

"Well, the way you phrased it could lead to that conclusion."

"Only because everyone assumes all males live to fuck other people. The truth is, it's not my case. I've had only two women in my life and, while it was very pleasant, I must admit I was rarely the one to... initiate things." There was a short pause. I imagined him drinking some wine. "When Joanna died, I completely stopped to desire women. I tried twice, but apart from mild disgust... nothing. I expect it would be the same with Alysanne. She is beautiful and of charming company, but put her naked in front of me, she could be Robert Baratheon or the Maiden herself, it wouldn't do any difference. Your daughter already has everything I can give her: gold, power, a strong castle... the only thing she still needs is love and more children, and this is exactly what I can't provide."

"Are you sure you're not into men?" Lefford insisted. "I mean, I've known you long enough not to care, so if you are..."

"I lived with Aerys Targaryen for thirty years. I think I'd know if I wanted a man in my bed," he said, with a stern voice not devoid of humor. It only took a few years of knowing him to recognize the sound. "The only one he didn't wantto share his bed with was his wife."

At this, Lefford exploded with a booming laugh. I could finally pull Jeyna away. She followed me, her unhealthy curiosity seated at least. Their laughs echoed in the tunnels, stalking us like demons from stories long past.

Once the piece of wood was back in its rightful place, I let out a deep breath and glared at Jeyna as hard as I could.

"You must never, ever repeat what you heard there."

"Of course," she said, shrugging. "What do you think? I'm not an idiot."

"If you weren't, you would have told Lord Tywin about this long ago. Who else knows about this secret passage?"

"Eiline and Daena, though I didn't take them to this part. They believe it's cursed and their hair will fall if they say something."

I wished I could curse her. The hallways could be dangerous. They could have been caught. But what truly angered me was that Jeyna had taken my baby sisters with her and left me out.

"Never again will you make use of it."

"If you say so," she answered. An obvious lie, but what could I do? If I told Tywin, he would know I spied on him. I knew what he was capable of long before Lord Lefford talked about a taste for blood -whatever he meant by this. He was the man who presented dead babies to Robert Baratheon. He was the man who had a girl raped by his guards. Ser Tyssel warnings' rang in my head, and I knew better than to ignore them.

I had no wish to share this fate, and my contempt for Jeyna did not go far enough to wish her ill. I could only cesommit treason, then, and say nothing while my sisters happily put their nose where it didn't belong.

I got back to my room and hardly slept. It wasn't only the new worries Jeyna had put on my shoulders. I was both depressed and relieved; relieved that Tywin hadn't chosen Alysanne over me, relieved that his lack of attraction toward me covered all women; depressed because I was betraying him and, though I refused to admit it, because it was the clear and definite end to the petty fantasies I nurtured about him.

I woke up tense and ugly. The wine and the sleepless night gave me a ghastly look, while my composure had more to do with weasels than with a Lady. I still believed revealing the truth to Tywin was the right thing to do, but after dozen attempts in my head, I still couldn't manage to make it sound right. "Hi, my Lord. I just wanted to tell you that there is a secret passage in my sister's bedroom, and when she showed it to me, we heard that you're either an homosexual in the closet or impotent, or both. I still respect you very much, so please don't butcher us, since I heard that you like blood and that Alysanne Lefford thinks it's the sexiest thing in the world." It just couldn't do.

Then, I finally made a decision: avoid Tywin until I forgot everything about it. Tywin and Gerion.

However, life hardly ever forgets about you. Today, she chose to remind me of this by throwing at me someone I didn't expect to see ever again: the red haired girl.

She was very thin, with dark circles under her eyes, but her luxurious hair still made her beautiful. She walked slowly, hunched like an old woman, but she was alive and sitting in my chambers.

"M'lady," she said, her voice so frail it could break. "I'm s-sorry to int-trude b-but…"

"It's alright." It wasn't alright. She was a ghost sent by the Mother to punish me for spying on Tywin. "Is there anything you need? Some wine perhaps?"

"N-no, thank you, M'lady. I only w-wished to s-speak with you. About the b-baby. The g-girl."

I nodded. I was suddenly afraid that she would ask to get it back. I would have to say no, obviously. She couldn't take care of the baby. She was disgraced. The only way would be for Gerion to provide for them. Then the red haired girl would stick around forever, forever in my way, forever reminding us that he could have any pretty whore he wished to have.

I couldn't expect to be so far away from the truth.