Hesitantly, I press the green button, accepting his call. "Hello?"
I hear a relieved sigh on the other end of the line along with a soft "Thank God," mumbled under his breath. I feel a twinge of pain knowing that he didn't fully expect me to answer because he wasn't entirely wrong; I almost hadn't.
"Hikari," he says carefully, as if he's afraid I might change my mind and hang up the phone, "why did you ask 'why not'?"
"What do you mean?" I ask, slightly confused by his answer.
"When we were texting, you asked me why we couldn't just drop it. Do you really not know why I can't just drop it?" I can tell that he wants to raise his voice but is forcing it to stay level. I don't say anything for a minute, not sure how to respond or what he wants me to say. Then he speaks up, "It's not a rhetorical question—I want an answer." Knowing that I have to respond to him eventually, I try to prepare myself for the conversation I've been dreading for so long.
It takes everything I have, all I can muster; but for the first time, I honestly respond, "No. I don't know." He can tell that I'm serious and that for the first time, I'm actually talking to him. It's not small talk or a superficial exchange; it's an actual, genuine conversation. A meaningful one. And I don't have those. Anyone who knows me (or at least everyone who really knows me), knows that I don't have those, ever. I don't know how. Even when I talk to Jun's mother about my mom, which are the most serious discussions I ever have, I'm incredibly awkward and don't share too much. I appreciate those phone calls with her so much, but I'm terrible at them and I'm never able to contribute to the conversation the way she does. I add so little to it. I want to give back, but I don't know how, so all I ever end up doing is taking. I don't want to take anymore. Not from these people, who deserve so much better.
"Hikari?" Jun asks after I haven't spoken for while. I think he's scared that I hung up on him, so I make a soft reassuring noise to let him know I'm still here. Satisfied by that, he asks once again, "So you still won't tell me what's going on?"
"Mm-mm," I reply quietly, shaking my head despite the fact that he can't see it. I hear him sigh before continuing.
"Then can you at least tell me why you thought I wouldn't care if you just up and disappeared?" he asks, anger beginning to seep into his tone.
"I didn't think you wouldn't care. I just didn't think you'd care this much. I know we're childhood friends and that we've known each other for forever, but… I don't know. I didn't think it would be this big of a deal."
There is silence on the other end of the line and I don't break it. I wonder what he's thinking, but I'm not sure what to say, so I wait for him to break the silence. Eventually, he does. "What else?" he says softly after a few moments. Not entirely sure what he means, I ask him what he's referring to. "I want to know what else you thought about me and why. I want to know why you feel that way. How you could think…" he trails off, leaving his thought unfinished. His voice is filled with an unreadable emotion.
"Why do you want to know so badly?" I hear the words come out of my mouth and I'm surprised by them. Even if I think questions like that, I almost never ask them out loud. I don't know what made me speak up. But then again, I don't understand much of anything when it comes to Jun.
"Why?" he asks, "why? Because I care! And because I don't understand how you could think I don't." The anger from before is now being replaced by hurt. I can hear it in every word he speaks, and it kills me. It's so much easier for him to be angry at me, but I can't stand him being sad because of me. I want to take away the blame he's put on himself. None of this is his fault, and I tell him that. "Really?" he responds, obviously not convinced. "Then whose fault is it?"
"Mine," I say without thinking about it. It's the truth after all.
"No, 'Kari, it's not." I almost begin to cry at his use of my nickname. I haven't heard it in so long. I can't help wondering how he can still call me that, believe in the best of me, when his pain is my fault. This whole situation is my fault. Why won't he blame me? It would make this so much simpler.
"Yes it is," I say, still fighting back tears. Talking to him, hearing his voice, it's so much harder than I thought.
"No, it's not," he says, still disagreeing with me.
"Jun," I whisper in a pleading tone, silently willing him to let this go. He doesn't respond, so I speak again, "Please, Jun." To my horror, my voice cracks and I know he notices. I couldn't help it; my tears are spilling over and it's starting to leak into my voice.
"Hikari?" he inquires immediately, his tone laced with concern. "Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you crying?"
I instantly wipe my tears away and attempt to clear my voice. Trying to sound normal I answer, "No, no, I'm fine."
"Hikari, don't lie to me. Please," he begs softly.
"I'm fine," I repeat, trying to sound convincing.
"Please come out; talk to me face to face. It doesn't have to be about this, but please," Jun says desperately, "come out."
I walk out of the cave in response so that he's able to see me. I ask Yuki to build another ice bridge and she does. I begin to slowly walk across it, uncertain of my actions. I don't know why I'm doing this. I know that if I see him face to face, I'll get sucked in again. I won't be able to leave. Everything I've done will have been for nothing. Pointless. But I find myself crossing the end of the bridge to a waiting Jun anyway.