So, there's a little bit of underage action in this chapter, you've been warned. And I'm starting to think this story is nearly over. My natural urge to give a romantic and happy ending are kicking in big time and that's usually an indicator that I should wrap things up, but I don't know how or when that will happen. Thanks for reading.
Vince chewed on his bottom lip as the shadows began to lengthen and the room grew colder. Howard had gone home for the night but he'd promised to be back tomorrow morning, straight after breakfast, and Vince was pretty sure he believed him. About coming back anyway. Howard had also said that he cared about Vince, loved Vince, and wanted to be in a proper relationship with Vince. He wasn't sure that he believed that.
It wasn't that his own feelings had changed, far from it, he was now almost desperate to be with Howard, but he was scared too. Because twenty-four hours ago Howard hadn't wanted anything more from Vince than a mate he could shag and Vince worried about what had made him change his mind. He worried that somehow, seeing Vince hurt, or finding out that he was already damaged and easy to hurt, had made Howard fall in love with him. Love meant pain, he knew that, and Vince didn't want any more pain. He especially didn't want to be hurt by Howard. Or for Howard to be hurt because of him. And he really didn't want Howard to be with him if it was out of pity.
Howard's gentleness was something Vince loved about him. He could be rough when he wasn't paying attention and quite often he didn't know his own strength, but when he wanted to, he could be extremely gentle, and knew just how to cheer Vince up, when he actually noticed he was feeling down, and Vince didn't want that to change. Howard wasn't a naturally violent man. He had a temper but he didn't normally take it out on other people. The whole Gideon incident had been an accident, the result of too much stress and disappointment, and Vince blamed himself for teaching Howard to throw a punch in the first place. Howard didn't take his anger out on other people. He just snapped brooms most of the time. Vince didn't want to change him, didn't want him to start showing his love by hitting Vince. That would eventually happen, he was sure, and he didn't want to get hit again.
An orderly came to deliver his dinner but he still wasn't hungry. He didn't understand how he could be in love with someone and be desperate for them to love him back and yet afraid at the same time and not want to be with them in case it ruined both of their lives.
He was especially scared of getting together with Howard in September. That was a sign, surely. If they got together now they'd turn out like his parents, he was certain of it. They'd love each other to death and then some poor loser would have to discover their bloody corpses. The thought made him feel ill - he didn't want to be a corpse - and he pushed the blanket down and swung his legs out of the bed. He didn't want to leave but he had to.
He reached over to pull his clothes from the small bedside table. They stank a bit but they would do. He pulled his jeans on, trying to get his body to cooperate. It was tricky when he only had one eye to work with but he'd managed before and soon enough he'd wriggled into his skinnies. He didn't know where he'd go, he couldn't go to Gary's, he'd be furious, but he'd find somewhere. He just needed to get away, he just needed...
"You just need to remember that love isn't all about pain and tragedy, Vince. People who love each other keep each other safe. They let themselves be vulnerable for the other person with the promise that their vulnerability will be treasured, not exploited. That's love, Vince. Anything else is just a bad dream."
Gemma, Gary's wife, had told him that once. He'd been stressing over some girl who he thought was really fit but who kept threatening to slash him up and how Howard kept refusing to listen to his demo tapes and she'd started talking about love. He'd been a bit confused but he'd listened anyway and the words had stuck in his head. Gemma was well deep - Vince expected nothing less of the wife of Gary Numan - and he suddenly wondered if maybe it was true, what she'd said. When Vince was vulnerable Howard tended to get more gentle. When Howard was feeling exposed and scared and turned to Vince, Vince treasured that like nothing else. It was all so confusing and Howard was right, they never talked about stuff. They probably should.
Vince sighed, looking down at the shirt in his lap. He'd bought it because it was the kind of blue that brought out his eyes and Howard was always commenting on his eyes in some way. He'd even bought it from the men's section because he'd thought that if flamboyant women's clothes didn't get Howard's attention maybe men's clothes would. It had sort of worked but hadn't been enough at the time for Vince to be able to tell Howard how he felt. He still hadn't been able to tell Howard he loved him.
He couldn't leave. Not when he hadn't given this his best shot. Losing his voice was bloody frustrating and he knew he wouldn't feel comfortable until he could say 'I love you' to Howard and explain that he wasn't interested in a casual relationship anymore. He wanted Howard for life and he wanted a nice relationship, like in a Disney movie or Colin Firth film. And he wanted Howard to understand all the rubbish stuff that had happened when he was a kid. Maybe then they could have a relationship that wasn't like the disaster his parents' had been. He was scared as hell but he couldn't leave, not when Howard had finally noticed him. He needed to give Howard a gesture, he decided, to tide him over until his voice was back, but he didn't know what.
He thought about Howard's 'gesture' and smiled. They'd both been pretty vulnerable during that, and Vince didn't think Howard would suck his cock if he weren't serious, especially as it was very probably the first time he'd ever done it. That was special. He wished he could have saved more 'firsts' for Howard but life just didn't work that way. As a teenager Vince had been needy and nervous and while he'd been desperate to be as close to Howard as humanly possible, he'd also known that Howard wouldn't make a move. He really wished he'd saved those firsts for Howard now. He closed his eye and the images swam into his mind, always too vivid, and the shame that accompanied them as strong as ever. He felt so dizzy.
Vince licked his lips. He really wished he hadn't waited so long to do this but he hadn't known how to go about it. No one wanted to hang out with him, he knew they thought he was weird, but he really needed to practice this, and he didn't need to ask Howard to know that Howard wouldn't be in to it. Howard didn't like hugs, let alone this, but Vince still thought he was the greatest boy he'd ever met. One day, when Howard was ready, Vince would be there, but he needed practice first. He needed to learn how to kiss.
He wondered nervously if his breath stank or how he should move his head when it all actually started, and took another sip of the sugary vodka drink in his hand to try and clear his nerves. The other boy, Vince thought his name was Max, shuffled closer, taking a swig from his own drink. They'd met an hour ago - Vince had only managed to get to the house party because one of the other boys he was living with was going - but Max seemed decent enough. He was a bit older and he'd given Vince the drink and told him his hair was pretty and his eye liner was cool. Vince tried to explain that Gary Numan had given it to him but the boy had just smirked at him and asked if he wanted a cigarette. Vince'd nodded and Max'd taught him how. So Vince asked if Max could teach him how to kiss because Max seemed to know a lot of stuff.
"How old you again?"
"Fourteen," Vince mumbled.
"You look about twelve."
" 'm not. 'm fourteen. Turned fourteen last month."
"And you a poof?"
"Um..." Vince's voice wobbled and he took another sip of his drink. "Don't know. Kind of... like both... boys and girls and... I just want to practice but-"
"That's cool," Max shrugged, finishing his vodka and reaching for another. Inside the house the party was raging loudly but out in the garden it was quiet and dark. Vince shivered in his thin coat and let out a squeak when the older boy put an arm around him. He didn't get much in the way of physical affection and it felt weird. Maybe if he kept trying with Howard they'd both get used to it.
"You want to practice for someone in particular?" Max spoke, his voice close to Vince's ear.
"Um... not really."
"Just a slag then."
"Hmm?"
"Nothin'. Just thought there might be some reason you wanted to practice getting off with boys."
Vince ruffled his hair and drank the rest of his vodka. Max replaced the empty bottle with a full one and Vince tried to keep his breathing steady so he didn't feel dizzy. This was all getting complicated and he didn't cope well with complicated, he wasn't smart enough.
"There is this one boy..."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Howard. But he's just a friend. Well, I want him to be my friend. I dunno if he is yet. And he's... beautiful... but I just wanna be 'is friend an' if we get to kiss one day that'd be genius but if we don't that's fine too, but if we do I wanna be half decent at it, so..."
"So we'll practice. For Howard."
Vince nodded and gazed up at the boy. He didn't look like Howard but maybe that was good. It was bad enough having a crush on one boy, he didn't want to go making a habit out of it. And other than kissing practice Vince didn't really want to be friends with Max, he just wanted to be friends with Howard. And if he never got to kiss Howard that was ok too.
But he still wanted to practice.
He licked his lips again and Max leaned in until Vince could feel the other boy's warm breath against his face. He smelt like cigarettes and alcohol, Lynx body spray and sweat, and it made Vince's nose itch. Howard always smelt of soap, which was a bit better, but Vince wasn't backing out now. He kept his head steady as the other boy put his hand to Vince's cheek and then pressed their lips together. After a few moments they both started to move their lips and Vince tilted his head, trying to keep his nose out of the way. The older boy let his fingers trail through Vince's chin length hair a few times and as Vince started to relax into it he intensified the kiss by opening his mouth. Vince copied the action and suddenly felt an extra tongue in his mouth. It felt weird but nice and Vince's head started to spin as he tried to keep tabs on what was happening. He suddenly felt very hot and he was glad that his jeans were loose and baggy because suddenly he was hard and all he could think about was Howard and the tongue in his mouth, actually licking his tongue, and how kissing was genius.
Max pushed them across the bench and further into the shadows as the kiss grew more forceful and Vince whimpered as the boy's hands began to rub his chest and back and thighs. They kissed for so long Vince wondered if the night would be over soon and the sun would come up. He needed to get back to his house before then but he just didn't want the kissing to stop.
Vince's whole body felt like it was throbbing with arousal now and when one of Max's hands slid over his crotch, squeezing and kneading him through the denim of his jeans, he cried into the other boy's mouth, overcome by the intensity and speed of the orgasm that ripped through him.
He let out a little sob. He felt sticky and dizzy and he didn't know what was supposed to happen next.
"You should probably blow me now," Max whispered in his ear. "It'll be good practice. You know, for Howard an' that. It's easy as. I'll teach you."
"Ok."
Not long after Vince stumbled down the street to his house, his teeth chattering with cold. The night hadn't gone quite like he'd planned but that was ok. He'd learnt to smoke, kiss and give blowies all in one night which was probably impressive to someone. He wouldn't be telling Howard though, no way. They'd never get around to being proper friends if he told him that. Maybe one day he would, if he knew Howard wouldn't leave or hit him but for now he'd just take it as experience gained. Vince Noir knew how to kiss: watch out world.
He stumbled around to the back of the rundown house he had to call home and climbed agilely through the window. The world could wait for a bit though. Right now he needed a sleepy.
Vince frowned. He'd been so thick when he was young, but then again, that was part of being a teenager, wasn't it - making stupid choices and getting in over your head. He wondered how different life might have been if he'd had the courage to ask Howard to practice kissing with him instead. They might have spent the last fifteen or more years blissfully exploring each others bodies. Or Howard might have run a mile. Putting the shirt back on the bedside table Vince ran his hands through his hair. He'd been a bit of a messed up kid, but perhaps he could have a go at being a not so messed up grown-up. And there had to be a few more first he could share with Howard.
The night nurse opened his door and frowned when she saw his uneaten dinner.
"Hello," she said in a lilting accent. "Food not up to snuff tonight?"
Vince shook his head and shrugged. Even if he felt better in his head, his stomach still didn't want food. The nurse walked around to his side and looked pointedly at Vince's jean covered legs dangling from the bed.
"You going somewhere, then?"
Vince shook his head and curled back under the covers, giving her his best sheepish smile, hoping it would still work even with his right eye covered in gauze. The nurse smiled indulgently in response (Vince still had his charm) and tucked his blanket around him.
"I know you can't talk properly at the moment, and I hear you've had a rough time of it," she told him when she was done. "But is there anything I can get you to help you feel better?"
Vince thought for a moment and then nodded. There was one thing. He did a simple mime and the nurse understood straight away.
"Ah, I'll see what I can do. But you get some sleep now, ok? Your pain meds are still quite high and your body needs to rest. I'll check in on you later."
Vince nodded and put his head on the pillow, grinning tiredly. Howard had given him a physical gesture even though he didn't really like touching, because Vince responded best to physical things, so Vince would give Howard a gesture in the way he understood best too, even though he knew it'd be tricky. Genius.