I am a terrible person. I have no excuse for this being so late. I'm so sorry to anyone who is still following this story.
"Alright," I breathe out, my voice, much like the rest of me, tired and ready for sleep. "Let's talk."
We both shift slightly to be more comfortable facing each other on the soft beds. Once settled, I stare at Jun. I can tell he's glad that we're finally having this unwanted conversation, but his face still retains its determined seriousness. He inhales deeply, deciding on what he wants to ask first. I imagine that the majority of our exchange will be question-and-answer, and I intend to give as little detail as possible. I've decided (more accurately been forced) to finally talk about the elephant in the room, and while I've decided not to lie to Jun, I don't want to make things any worse than they'll inevitably be; details will definitely make things worse, so the fewer, the better.
"I'll start with the obvious question," Jun begins as he meets my gaze. His piercing orange eyes give me no indication of what he's thinking, remaining cool and calm. I attempt to match his tranquil façade, but even without a mirror, I can tell I'm failing miserably. "Why have you been running away from me?"
"That should be obvious," I say, earning a quirked brow from Jun. I force a small smile before continuing, "I've been trying to avoid you."
Jun's eyebrows lower slightly in irritation, and I can tell that he's not amused by my attempt to lighten the atmosphere of our solemn conversation. "I know that," he snaps before quickly regretting his small outburst and calming himself back down, "what I mean is, why are you trying to avoid me?
His question is finally a direct one that I can't sidestep, so I slowly take a deep breath to calm myself and gather my strength before answering him. "It hurts to be around you."
His eyes widen at this, but he remains quiet, waiting for me to continue. After a few moments, I do. "I thought that it would hurt less if I pushed you out of my life. I know it was selfish, but it seemed like the only thing I could do." The simple, honest statements are somewhat difficult to force from my lips, but he deserves to hear them. He deserves to know the truth.
"What did I do that makes it hurt so much to be around me?" he questions quietly, and I can tell he's blaming himself again.
"You didn't do anything," I stress to him, not willing to let him believe he's at fault. I won't let him put that on himself; I've already piled enough pain onto him, and I'm certainly going to make sure he knows it was me, not him, who caused his suffering and that he's not to blame. His eyes deepen into a sunset-colored orange as his gaze tightens, and for a moment, he reminds me of his mother. He remains silent, clearly not believing me, and begs me without words to explain myself. I sigh softly before beginning again, "I'm the one at fault. You really didn't do anything, nothing at all. I swear." There is no change in his facial expression, and I can tell my attempts to convince him that he lacks any part in the cause of my behavior are ineffective so far.
"Just tell me what I did, Hikari. Please." His request is earnest, but I can't give him the easy answer that he wants. He didn't do something bad that made me upset or mad at him that he can apologize for; it's so much more complicated than that. The only think he did was be himself and make me fall in love with him, but I can't very well blame him for that, can I? I find myself wishing for the thousandth time that I didn't have these feelings for Jun. If I'd never fallen in love with him, things would be fine. We'd be fine. And I wouldn't have to irrevocably alter our friendship by telling him the truth.
"You didn't do anything," I stress to him once more.
"I had to have done something," he insists, beginning to grow annoyed.
The fact that he's beginning to get angry is irritating me because for once, I'm telling him the truth; he just won't believe me.
"You didn't!" I exclaim louder than I originally intended. I'm angry at him, but I shouldn't be, and I'm angry at myself, and I'm terrified, and I'm ready to break down sobbing; all of my emotions are swirling into a gust that's rapidly picking up speed and starting a giant storm inside me. I've never been good at dealing with my emotions, and having so many strong ones at once begins to overwhelm me. I can't help it—I blurt out the words that have haunted me for so long, that I've been so terrified to say.
"I love you!" I screech at him as I fight back tears. "It's not your fault that I fell in love with you! It's my fault, so you can't keep blaming yourself." I can feel my face heating up from both embarrassment and the tears that threaten to fall. I fight back the urge to freeze from mortification and press on, hoping to squeeze in what I need to say before I hear his reaction, because I know that I'll shatter once I do. "I've loved you for a long time. You're my best friend, and I didn't want to hurt you or ruin our friendship, but I guess that was bound to happen anyway. I'm well aware that my feelings are one-sided, and I don't expect anything from you. I don't want you to suddenly look at me differently or treat me differently. And please, whatever you say, don't apologize. I think it would kill me to hear that." I take a deep, shaky breath after my small speech and close my eyes tightly shut as I stiffen my hands into trembling fists, bracing myself for his reaction, whatever it might be.
After several moments of silence pass and nothing happens, I slowly loosen my fists and force my eyes open. I catch sight of Jun and can't believe my eyes. My heart stops.