Bewildered by the way Bones had treated him in sickbay, Jim bypassed the bridge, striding directly towards the ready room. He had less than an hour before he would meet with Spock, Uhura, Carol, and Dr. Bellis, the head of the archeology department. Hopefully that would give him sufficient time to consume part of his water and ward off some of the physical discomfort he anticipated.
Jim fumed, pondering how his best friend, the most competent medical doctor he knew, deliberately reacted in frustration rather than considering Jim's well being. Jim regretted that he hadn't stood up for himself and called the doctor on it when he had the opportunity. If he had, however, his secrets would be hanging in precarious balance. A distinct feeling of confusion mixed with Jim's anger - why hadn't Bones at least waited until Jim had awakened?
He never intended to fall asleep, but he had every intention of eating what he needed. He did not enjoy suffering and he expected the dizziness and nausea Bones promised him would be more than what he could cope with now. Those two symptoms reminded him of the weeks and months sinking into a desperate hunger, eating whatever he could, his body weakening and failing. It was a reminder too close for comfort as those weeks and months were presently in hot pursuit of him.
Jim's fuming continued as he approached the opening doors of the ready room. Fortunately he was the first to arrive, for the first wave of dizziness passed over him at that moment, causing him to cling to the door frame in a desperate attempt to remain upright. Jim groaned and leaned his aching head against the wall. His parched throat reminded him that he had forgotten the water, the very thing he needed to suppress the vaccination's side effects before he beamed back down to Re'an V.
"Captain?" Spock's voice came from behind Jim.
"Yes, Mr. Spock." Jim forced his legs to move.
"You are thirty-eight point three minutes behind schedule."
Jim huffed an impatient sigh. "I know."
"If I may offer a suggestion?"
"By all means." He clung to the edge of the table and sagged into a chair, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.
"You are unwell." Displeasure oozed from Spock's voice.
"The good doctor had to delay the last inoculation I needed for the return to Re'an V, causing me to run late. As usual, I am experiencing a few side effects which explains why I appear unwell to you." Jim explained more than he wanted to but right now his tongue felt loose and his fuzzy mind could not seem to control his speech. Neither could he leave out the sarcasm.
"I am aware of your predisposition to side effects, Captain. However, if they impede your ability as captain-"
"Spock, I'm fine. It'll pass."
"Captain-"
"I'm experiencing some dizziness," Jim replied, exasperated. "That's all. Hold on a minute, Spock. Kirk to Rand."
"Yes, sir."
"You sound better now, Rand." She hadn't this morning when he requested his coffee. She'd looked even worse. "Glad to hear it."
"I am, sir. Thank you."
"I need...water. A lot of drinking water. I'll be taking it with me to the planet so please tell the quartermaster to package it appropriately."
"How much, captain?"
"Forty... No. Fifty ounces. Please bring me a glass of water, as well. Kirk out." He would go above and beyond Bones' instructions today. Jim ignored the slightly bewildered look on the first officer's face. "Now, Spock, what were you saying?"
"Captain, if you are unable to accompany the team-"
"I'm fine. It doesn't last long. Never has. I only need a few minutes," Jim gritted as nausea began swirling in his stomach. It wasn't just a little as Bones had described. In fact, the pain gripping his stomach like a vise hadn't even been mentioned. What excuse could he give to send Spock from the room so he could pull himself together? "Just a minute, Spock. Kirk to Rand."
"Yes, Captain."
"Please bring my PADD along with that water. I left it on the bridge."
"Yes, sir."
Jim nearly cringed at the barely visible frown on Spock's face. He'd been too disoriented after the vaccination to realize he'd left the device behind and now that the room was swimming before his eyes, he was forced to ask for something that normally he'd retrieve on his own. Usually, he was quick on his feet. Now, thanks to Bones, he did not believe he'd even make it safely to the corridor.
"Spock, if you wish, you may question Dr. McCoy about the dizziness. Perhaps that would make you feel at ease with my departure today."
Spock arched an eyebrow, clearly not believing him. "Very well."
"Spock, please continue."
"I can cover your duties here if you would like to spend your remaining time at the site on Re'an V. I am aware that your presence there is beneficial to our peaceful relations with the Re'an. They do favor you."
"I thought it was only logical for you to accompany Uhura today." Jim intended to keep Spock close to Uhura so Prince Lequa could have no doubt as to the couple's relationship.
"That is unnecessary. You will be there, Captain, to ease her mind. Were I to remain on the Enterprise, I would be able to oversee the routine checkups in Engineering as well as perform your normal duties."
Jim rested his forehead on his hand. Spock's offer would help him "take it easy." He didn't want to aggravate his symptoms and end up feeling worse than he already was. But there had to be more behind Spock's reasoning.
"Why did you really change your mind?"
"I have realized you enjoy your time amongst the Re'an, Jim, and the time scheduled for today would not be sufficient for you. I want you to be...happy."
Hearing that almost made his day bearable. Jim fought a smile. "I appreciate that, Spock. I accept your offer."
"I assume that you will request Dr. McCoy's presence on the away team?"
Jim now had to force himself to smile at the obvious, inferred question: Are you and the doctor getting along?
He should want Bones there, especially if his symptoms got out of control, but the fact remained Bones had hurt Jim severely - again. Jim didn't know how to respond to Bones' actions, so he decided it would be best to ignore the entire incident. Jim rationalized that Bones would never do something like this again.
But maybe...maybe it was primarily Jim's fault. He knew he had to eat but then forgot in the rush of all he had to do on the bridge. Once in sickbay, he fell asleep without finishing the supplements. Again, that was his own fault. He had allowed himself to fall asleep. He was tired because he refused to ask Bones for a sedative - the very thing he needed to receive respite from his nightmares and restless sleep.
While this gave Bones more reason to interrogate him, Jim couldn't pin the blame completely on Bones and now he felt better about the entire situation. If it was his own fault, it meant that Bones still cared for him as a friend.
Jim breathed a sigh of relief. Things might not be perfect between them but he could live with the fact that their friendship was somewhat still intact.
However, there was the other unfortunate problem. Although it may somewhat still be intact, the floundering friendship with Bones caused Jim great discomfort. Jim had not planned to include McCoy on the away team but rather M'Benga. The decision was made before McCoy administered the mandatory last dose of the vaccination this morning and the unpleasant side effects set in.
Now that he had to request Bones on the away team, thanks to Spock's carefully placed question, Jim needed a distraction. Something - or someone - that would irk the doctor in general and buffer the tension between them by drawing attention off of Jim.
Despite the increasing discomfort in his stomach that Jim could no longer ignore, an easy smile finally formed on his lips. He knew of a perfect distraction. In fact, he knew of one that would kill two birds with one stone.
"Of course. I will ask Dr. Jahnas to join us, as well. Her expertise in xenozoology has been priceless."
"Kirk to McCoy."
Speak of the devil. Christine's eyes darted McCoy's way. She gave him that almost ever present look to tell him he should be embarrassed for his behavior. It was happening a lot lately. She stood next to McCoy, reviewing charts and leaving hints that he had to check on Jim, the sooner the better.
He knew. He only feared what he would find and his feet wouldn't move to fix the problem.
"Yes, Jim."
"Bones, I need...I need you to come with me to Re'an." McCoy's instincts kicked in as Jim's voice cracked with hesitancy. The captain's words lacked his usual professionalism, a sure sign that something was amiss.
"How are you feeling, Jim?"
The ominous pause told him exactly how Jim was feeling.
"Jim?"
"Bones, just tell me if you can come with me."
He didn't want to step one foot on that cursed planet that had already essentially undermined his relationship with Jim, but he couldn't dwell on that now. "Is it the nausea? Dizziness?"
Jim rough sigh scraped over the comm.
"Both. I feel like I'm starving to death, if you really wanna know, Bones," Jim half-chuckled, but it was a humorless, bitter sound that echoed in McCoy's ears. "This is great. Ah, just great. Bones, I feel like I just ate leather...and now..."
McCoy felt his face leach of color. Sick to his own stomach, McCoy pressed a fist to his mouth.
He should be court-martialed for triggering such an physical reaction in Jim. Jim, who knew exactly how it was to eat leather or anything else he could get his hands on to try to survive.
"Leonard," Christine whispered. "Are you alright?"
He shook his head, unable to speak. Of all the things he could do...damn it to hell. McCoy pounded a fist on the desk.
"Captain, it's Nurse Chapel." Christine said, watching McCoy warily. His stomach recoiled thinking of Jim fighting this off alone. A CMO would be there helping his captain, but recent events proved that he was not helping at all and therefore was he last person who should try to help. If he had done his job as Chief Medical Officer, this would never have happened. Instead, he not only failed to stop it, he contributed to the problem. "There's a different anti-emetic we can try. It's stronger than the one I gave you earlier. I can prepare a hypo and bring it to you."
"That's fine." Jim's voice cracked.
"Where are you, Captain?"
"The ready room. I sent Spock out. I can't...the nausea...pain...don't think I can move."
"I'll bring you the anti-emetic, Jim," McCoy hoarsely replied. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
McCoy was putting Jim through hell. McCoy had crossed a line and then another. He couldn't properly amend what he'd done without creating more havoc for Jim. To do the right thing - McCoy should first approach Spock to admit he'd erred in treating the captain.
In doing so, Jim would have his head.
"No!" Jim's adamant reply choked McCoy.
"Jim, I'm-"
"Send...Chris," Jim said faintly. "Bones, clear your schedule and meet here in half an hour for the briefing."
"Postpone it," McCoy said. He pushed aside the hurt that Jim didn't want him attending to his needs. What did he expect? A welcome with open arms after what he knowingly inflicted? McCoy eyes pricked with emotion as he struggled with the repercussions of his failure. What the hell was wrong with him? This was his best friend. He had an oath to uphold. He had Jim to take care of - his damn Captain.
"Can't. Already behind, Bones. I'll...manage."
"Jim, I'm sor-"
"Kirk out," Jim snapped. The connection ended.
McCoy fought the urge to run from the room with his tail between his legs, especially upon seeing Christine's thunderous expression. "I'm not understanding all of this, but you need to apologize, Leonard. And pull yourself together once and for all. This is not like you."
"I tried to apologize." It was a weak, cowardly excuse. "Did you hear? He cut me off."
"Do you blame him? He's feeling extremely ill, Dr. McCoy. You handled this very poorly. Apologize officially."
"Trust me, Chris. Jim doesn't want me to go about this that way." However, Christine was right. To do this correctly, he'd have to inform Spock of the situation and face Jim's wrath for doing so. "I'll talk with him before we leave for Re'an."
"Leonard," Christine said, distrust heavy in her warning.
"I promise," he growled. "I'll bring you along with me to that damned planet if I have to."
Mortified, McCoy watched Christine scramble to prepare the hypo for Jim and dart out of sickbay. He waited with baited breath to hear from Christine but managed to remain busy and delegate his work. He finally heard that Jim, although he was improving, would require a second dose as soon as it was medically advisable. The nausea and pain had taken him by storm, but he was too stubborn to return to sickbay.
McCoy left sickbay as soon as he could forty minutes later, much later than he'd wished and cursing the emergency that delayed him. He didn't know what to expect when he entered the ready room, but from the corner of his eye he saw that for the time being Jim's tenacity had won. The captain appeared stalwart and unshakable, but McCoy knew better. Spock appeared to be well aware of Jim's ill health- he was but a hairs breadth away from him.
McCoy looked for a seat but it was standing room only. Uhura, Dr. Marcus, Dr. Jahnas, the head of the archaeology team, Dr. Bellis, and two other members were already seated. Even then, space was limited. McCoy's scowl deepened. He'd have to stand behind Dr. Jahnas- the last person in the entire universe with whom Jim should be in the same room. Not now, not with Jim's current state of mind.
He couldn't fault Jim for asking her to be on the away team. Aleyah's research on the behavior of Re'an's indigenous creatures intersected with Uhura's research on the Re'an and their use of animals in their communication.
But it was almost too much of a coincidence.
Jim's dependence upon Gaila for respite from his nightmares had been a problem for most of their relationship - up until Jim's obsession with the Kobayashi Maru, which swept in another problem all of its own. Aleyah's entrance was untimely, and McCoy vowed to do all he could to keep them apart on Re'an.
"Dr. McCoy, thank you for joining us."
Jim eyed him with a steady calm, his face revealing nothing except a captain's well-rehearsed control. However, McCoy had already taken inventory of the captain's symptoms - the faint sheen across his forehead, the clenched fists to hide the trembling of his hands, and the frequent swallowing. Jim tugged at his collar and cleared his throat.
"As I was saying, Dr. Bellis and his team located the missing piece of the missile. They will be working to carefully extract the piece from the site today. Meanwhile, Prince Lequa personally invited me this morning to share in a sacred ceremony involving a menagerie of animals our xenozoology team has studied these past few days. Dr. McCoy, Dr. Marcus, Lieutenant Uhura, and Dr. Jahnas, the invitation extends to you as well. Mr. Sulu will be joining us once we head to the transporter room. One more thing...although the Re'an are still reluctant to share...why..."
"Jim?" McCoy questioned softly as a faint grimace crossed over Jim's face and he closed his eyes. All eyes glued were glued on the Captain, Dr. Marcus and Spock looking the most concerned.
Jim expelled a slow breath, one hand purposely kneading his forehead
"Captain, I-"
"No," Jim interrupted Spock, waving his other hand in protest. He opened his eyes, jaw clenching and never glancing McCoy's way. "No. I'm fine."
Everything within McCoy told him to manhandle Jim down to sickbay. But everything wasn't enough for McCoy to even begin the urgent apology he should offer Jim. He kept still, in spite of the heated glare of the First Officer and his own concern for Jim. Calling even more attention to Jim's well-being during the briefing was the last thing McCoy wanted to do, with Jim's secrets clawing their way to the surface.
Jim breathed deeply and began again. "Although the Re'an are still reluctant to share why they disappeared twenty years ago, their relationship with the Federation, as it stands, is peaceful and cooperative. There appear to be no hard feelings between us or any unresolved issues. They are considering our offer to return and develop a new colony within their previous solar system but at this time, that is not confirmed. We want them to feel welcome to return," Jim paused and eyed each of the away team with a solemnity, except for McCoy. "As I've said before, we have been ordered to do everything we can to maintain peaceful relations with the Re'an, for they offer a culture of pure beauty and tranquility that has transcended time - and now, space. Do you have any questions?"
After a moment, McCoy listened only with feigned interest to the ensuing conversations of the away team because he finally understood. What he was doing wasn't keeping the peace until the time came that Jim would bend under pressure and ask for help. What he was doing wasn't helping Jim at all and it certainly wasn't doing himself any favors.
"Dr. McCoy?"
McCoy scowled at Spock for catching him unaware. He breathed a sigh of relief that at least the others were conversing amongst themselves or leaving now that the briefing was over.
"I would like to speak with you in sickbay." Spock paused. "Captain, you may join us as it pertains to your health."
"It's not necessary." Jim waved his hand.
"It is completely necessary, Jim." Spock walked to the door and stood expectantly, eyes now unreadable. "As your First Officer, it is my duty to ensure that you are at your best prior to beaming to the surface of Re'an. It is clear that you need further assistance from Dr. McCoy."
"Give me a minute, Mr. Spock," Jim sighed, his willingness to return to sickbay disconcerting and revealing the captain's ill health. "I'll meet you there."
"On the contrary. I shall wait outside to escort you, Captain."
Jim nodded faintly. "Alright."
"Jim, I'm-" McCoy didn't know where to begin his apology. "I'll be waiting in sickbay."
Jim stared at him, the blue frostiness of his eyes too much for McCoy. He trudged away from the captain, with the pivotal and sorrowing realization sinking deeper the sharp, wide blade that already had broken McCoy's own skin months ago when Jim's struggle had first begun. The blade touched an unreachable place, a place where he could not pull it out without doing irrevocable harm to himself. But did it matter? He deserved every bit of that pain. At the time Jim needed him most, McCoy reacted with selfish ambition, inevitably damaging his best friend and placing more distance between them.
Although his actions were nonsensical and absurd, to say the least, with faulty reasoning behind them, he finally understood. His daughter was already slipping through his fingers. Losing his best friend was more than he could handle.
It was painfully obvious to McCoy that Jim's past was catching up to him all too quickly. The captain's refusal to accept help only ignored and prolonged the inevitable anguish, and to protect himself, McCoy could only push him away well beyond arm's reach.
For if he pushed Jim completely away, McCoy would not be forced to endure the downward spiral of the man he loved as a brother and more than life itself.