Jim's eyes fluttered shut as Spock closed the door on his command. He cursed under his breath and hit his head against the wall with a dull thud.
"While it is not my intent to cause you further distress, Jim, I would be remiss in my duties if I permitted you to continue to command under these circumstances," Spock said softly.
Jim nodded absently and pressed his forehead against the wall. The Vulcan surely did not lie but it did hurt Jim. Just when he was beginning to think he could do this, Spock sent a shot directly into the already broken pieces of his heart, inflicting another aching wound. What McCoy had started, Spock was finishing, stripping Jim of what he held dear. Jim braced himself, hand up against the wall and against the pain of losing his command. He placed his other hand there as well and unwittingly assumed the posture of surrender. Feeling faint and numb to the core, he gave up, stumbling over to the chair and collapsing into it.
"I have observed that you and Dr. McCoy have become...estranged from one another. Your command decisions and behavior have become erratic and have been noted by members of the crew. I believe that your relationship with Dr. McCoy is instrumental to your health and ability to command this vessel. You must take appropriate action to repair your relationship before resuming your duties. Your attending physician must attest to this."
Jim sunk into his hand shielding his face, as if that lessened the blow. He hoped Spock would understand that although he may not be captain of the Enterprise, he could not be sidelined once more. "I must accompany the away team to Re'an, Spock. Captain or not."
"Jim, you are still my captain, only temporarily relieved of command." Spock paused. "Your presence on the away team will be at my discretion. Since Dr. McCoy will also be included on the team, my first condition is that you demonstrate that you and the doctor are able to be in close proximity without resorting to hostilities."
Jim rubbed his jaw, chuckling ruefully. "Close proximity. That's...ironic," he muttered. "Why don't you ask him that."
"I do not understand. You suggest that he does not wish to be in your presence."
Jim crossed his arms, silent.
"I am aware that being in each other's presence is often necessary for humans to maintain a healthy relationship with one another. Could this idea not carry over as a beginning to repairing your fractured friendship with Dr. McCoy?"
"There has to be a friendship in the first place," Jim mumbled.
Jim swore he heard the Vulcan's spine crack as it stiffened even more. "Have you and the doctor more than argued?"
Spock's words became laborious to discern as Bones' shouts for him to leave his sickbay buzzed at the forefront. Argued? It had been much more than that and Jim did not wish to discuss any of it.
"I will brief the doctor on my actions and hear from him before making a final decision. I will only consider your presence on Re'an V if you agree to a medical examination, one that must be given as soon as Dr. M'Benga is available. Circumstances will delay our departure until tomorrow evening planet time. I will inform Prince Lequa that shipboard events necessitate this. There will be a mission briefing tomorrow at 1500 hours at which time I will determine whether you will be included on the away team. For the time being, you may return to your quarters until further notified."
Jim duly nodded.
"Jim, you must understand." Spock's voice warmed but Jim could not look at him still. "I would be able to assist you, but only if you would allow me to do so."
Jim finally turned his head and stared at the one person who seemed to be looking out for him.
Then, for the second time in a ship's day, Jim Kirk found his way through his beloved ship's corridors to the safe haven of his quarters. Finding himself alone once more, he crowded himself back into a corner of his bedroom on the floor and began to sob as he had not done since he was a child in Iowa. Now, as then, no one came to offer comfort.
His guests seated with drinks in hand, McCoy eased into the empty spot on his couch with a sigh. It'd been a long day. He sipped from his glass, rethinking that. Long didn't describe it.
It'd been the second worst day of his life. And, coincidentally, both the first and second worst days of his life centered around Jim.
"Dr. McCoy, your glass is filled with drinking water." Spock's gaze probed.
Refusing to squirm, McCoy lifted his chin along with his glass. "Cheers."
The Vulcan continued to stare. McCoy glanced at Uhura beside him. She merely arched an eyebrow.
"If I'm going to help Jimmy, attending physician or not, I need to be thinking straighter than I have been."
Spock frowned. "Dr. McCoy, you infer that you have been drinking in excess."
"Yeah," McCoy gruffed. "When it was acceptable, off duty and all of that, perhaps a little too much."
Spock's frown deepened.
"It took Jim, of all people today - and during our argument, no less- to point that out." McCoy joined in the frowning fest. How the hell had Jim figured him out and what was keeping McCoy going in spite of his own mountain of problems?
"I'm sorry, Leonard," Uhura said quietly. "What is going on with you?"
"Chris asked me the same thing today." McCoy sighed. "I don't know if I can answer that again."
"You don't have to." Uhura's eyes softened. "But I'm guessing it's Jim but also something else that has to do with an adorable, vibrant little girl."
McCoy gulped back the rest of the water in his glass. Uhura, like Jim, knew what buttons to push although her approach was a hell of a lot gentler. He wouldn't divulge any of the argument he had with Jim but he could mention Jo.
"The ex wants her." He couldn't even say the witch's name anymore. He scowled at them both. "She also wants to strip all of my rights away, and she's winning, thanks to a few things in my past that she has twisted to use for her own benefit."
"I assume that you never informed Jim of your situation?" Spock's eyebrows practically knit together as he waited for McCoy's reply.
"No," McCoy shook his head. "I couldn't put that on him, not with him barely holding on. He would want to fix it, do everything he could in his power but I couldn't allow him to do that. He has needed every ounce of concentration to run this ship, ever since..."
Ever since the signs began that Tarsus returned to haunt his best friend, and McCoy knew it would be either a spiral down in the blink of the eye or the longest fix of denial Jim ever had. He scowled down at his empty glass. Strangely enough, the water worked just as well as the booze to loosen his tongue.
"Today, I said some things I didn't mean to say to Jimmy. I hurt my best friend about as deeply as I could, and then some."
The admittance was freeing. He welcomed the slowly rising anger in Spock's eyes and the slight horror in Uhura's that was directed at him. He wanted Jim's anger, but Jim was refusing anyone's comms but Spock's and according to Spock, Jim had spoken very little. Jim was alone, and it was the worst possible time for him to keep himself in solitary confinement in his quarters. However, he discovered after a little digging that Jim was sedated for the evening, and that gave McCoy only a small amount of relief. Would it be enough for Jim's overall health to get him through a short time on Re'an V without showing his compromised state? McCoy wasn't certain of that, but it was a start and the only thing M'Benga could do as Jim's presence on the team was deemed necessary by Spock.
"He believes your friendship to be over."
"Yeah," McCoy groaned, rubbing his face. "I imagine he does, and the mistake is on me." It was a growing list.
"I do not believe you intended to sever what both of you hold so dear," Spock said.
"No, I didn't." McCoy's throat swelled. He barely kept his tears at bay. He couldn't imagine how much work he'd have to do to repair the damage he'd done with Jim.
Uhura furrowed her brow. "Leonard, is there anything we can do to help? With Jo?"
"Give them back to me," McCoy said roughly, not really expecting them to be able to do so. "Get both of them back."
Aleyah's slight limp did nothing to slow her down and she easily caught up to Nyota as the two headed for the mission briefing the next day. Cocking her head, the Orion quipped, "Lieutenant, I am so delighted we are both returning to Re'an. Is the captain...I mean, Kirk, coming today? We both know how passionate he has been about our research. I assume he convinced Acting Captain Spock to include him for diplomatic purposes."
Nyota caught herself before she sighed in irritation. Leave it to Aleyah to fish for information and discuss James Kirk all in the same breath.
"I am sure that Mr. Spock will include all necessary information in the upcoming meeting." Nyota murmured right before the doors slid open.
Aleyah glanced sideways at her, her smile drawing in a familiar smirk. "He is. I see it in your eyes. I'm glad."
The xenozoologist tossed her head and slipped ahead of Nyota who grimaced. That woman. Entering the room both women immediately fixated upon the forlorn figure of Kirk, slumped in his seat across from Spock at the table. Nyota's heart twisted as she realized how difficult the next thirty minutes would be for him. The lost, strained look on his face spoke volumes about the depth of despair he must be feeling. It was a cliche, but McCoy, too had the appearance of a lost soul. To lose a friendship that deep must be agonizing.
Before Nyota could stop her, Aleyah approached the captain like a cat, oblivious to the taut expression on Kirk's face. The woman slid into the seat beside him and greeted him in her honey-smooth voice. Her appearance shattered Kirk's stony silence but after giving her a curt reply he slid a mask into place.
Nyota took the other side of Jim. "Good afternoon, sir."
Kirk stiffened. "Lieutenant."
Using the momentum from sitting, she nestled into her seat and nudged the chair closer to Kirk in an obvious show of support. As she did this, Kirk's face turned ashen and his eyes darted wildly. Arching her back, Nyota turned her head and noticed that McCoy had just entered. Ignoring Star Fleet codes of conduct, she instinctively reached towards Kirk under the table and gave his clammy hand a quick squeeze. He choked down a hasty breath and unclenched his fists. With a short nod of his head as she pulled her hand away he signaled that he had himself under control. The quiet thanks from his flickering eyes settled her unease a smidgen and she turned her attention to Acting Captain Spock and the commencing meeting.
Jim breathed a sigh of relief once the meeting was adjourned and stood from his chair after the others filed out.
He only wanted to get through the rest of the day with as little speaking as possible, as he had managed during the briefing. Without Bones, without his ship, his heart wasn't into anything, let alone speaking except for when it was necessary. He wasn't oblivious to the dip in crew morale, but he couldn't find it within himself to say anything to fix it. He was captain no longer, anyway. Jim's control remained only because he told himself he didn't care and did what he could to keep silent.
When he heard the steps of McCoy lagging right behind Jim as they walked to the transporter room, a move he did not see as accidental, emotion pricked his eyes once again. He would have better control if he lashed out in anger at Bones, stirring a rivulet of rage instead of silently enduring the festering hurt. If only Bones had not approached him on the bridge so soon...
At least Spock and M'Benga had approved his presence on the away team, if only for the shortest of times. McCoy had washed his hands of Jim, the doctor had made that crystal clear. In turn, the fact that Jim was required to promptly return to sickbay to speak with M'Benga once again was none of McCoy's business. Nor was the state of his health from here on out. Jim quickened his stride and in his mind, he left the doctor in the dust. He made the beaming platform along with Uhura.
"It'll be alright," she murmured, her shoulder brushing against his arm as she stepped beside him. "Captain."
Spoken for his benefit only, the endearment caught him by surprise. He swallowed, not trusting himself to look in her eyes. If anyone could make him talk it might just be her. Before his molecules separated, the realization dawned why Spock had asked Uhura to remain with Jim while on planet in the first place.
Deep in thought, Jim almost missed the greeting from Prince Lequa once they beamed down. Jim kicked himself. The Re'an could not suspect Jim was not currently in command of his ship and being a distracted captain would only confuse the situation. During the briefing, Acting Captain Spock emphasized the fascination the Re'an had with Jim. To alter their perception was not logical - it would be detrimental to the peacefulness between the two species.
"We are honored to be here once again, Prince Lequa," Jim bowed his head.
"I am the one who is honored, for your actions saved my children. My people are exceedingly grateful that you apprehended those who endangered us all." The prince gestured with a broad sweep of his hands behind him. "Come. We have prepared another banquet for you and my children are delighted to greet their guests. But, first, a tour of what is being rebuilt after the unfortunate fire destroyed sections of our gardens."
Leading the way, Spock walked beside Lequa through the stone-lined corridor. Jim lingered back slightly, admiring again the impressive columns. The doorways were almost too numerous to count, but for Jim remembering the layout was easy. During the precious few hours he'd slept, he dreamt of this very part of the palace and the creatures' murmuring.
"Is the rehabilitation of your criminals progressing as expected, Prince Lequa?" Spock questioned.
"It is, Commander Spock. They have all begun the six-month term..."
As Lequa's response continued, a lump grew in Jim's throat. They neared the very location that had been nearly destroyed by fire. Jim strained to hear the creatures in their enclosed sanctuary as they began to pass it. He was certain the Re'an would bring the snakes out during the banquet and afterwards, but to see them, wild and free...
"Captain." A hand touched his forearm.
He blinked at Uhura. She indicated her head at the group ahead of them striding towards the garden. When had he stopped walking with them? For that matter, how had he found himself inches away from the vined doors of the creatures' sanctuary? He couldn't make mistakes like this. If McCoy had noticed anything peculiar, he'd pull rank and beam Jim back to the Enterprise in a heartbeat. "Thank you, Lieutenant."
"Do you need Dr. McCoy's assistance, sir?" Uhura murmured.
Jim gritted his teeth as his composure cracked far too easily, just as it had done so many times these past weeks. It was all he could do not to express his irritation at someone, and Uhura was not at all deserving of it. "No."
He shouldn't have been surprised at her clipped nod. Had they not been on duty, Jim would have half-expected her to call him on his bull.
"I'm fine," he said with more confidence than he had. "I suppose we should catch up."
"Would you like to see?"
Jim and Uhura both swung around. Prince's Lequa's wife, Eoksa, beamed at them from behind, her peach eyes drawing Jim to her vibrant personality as she lead a small procession of guards, attendants, and children towards them. Jim and Uhura both bowed their heads in the Re'an usual greeting.
"It is a sacred room," Princess Eoksa announced.
"The prince has informed us of that, as well." Jim agreed, ignoring Uhura's slightly confused look.
"Would you like to sneak a peek?" The princess cocked her head and motioned behind her. Four guards moved swiftly to the doors before Jim replied. As they left their places, others moved to fill their places but not before a petite Re'an being behind them caught Jim's attention.
Jim froze, identifying her as the female warrior who taken part in the kidnapping of Lequa's children. In a blink of an eye she vanished. Jim scanned the attendants and guards of the princess. Where did she go? He'd seen her, but he shouldn't have. She had been sent to a rehabilitation facility on the other side of the planet - and would be there with the other renegade Re'an beings for their required term. It just wasn't possible.
"Here on Re'an V, we encourage inquisitiveness. Take for instance, the snake you held, Captain Kirk."
Jim's attention snapped back to the princess at the mention of her son's creature.
"Yes, the snake. It was truly magnificent." Jim bit his tongue to keep himself from boldly requesting to view the creature.
Eoksa nodded knowingly at Jim. "I see you were taken with it as much as it was taken with you. I know my son would like to show it to you later. You, also, Lieutenant, if you'd like. After the banquet, of course. Would that suit you, Captain?"
Jim couldn't deny her genuine words nor the utter curiosity he had that would not be sated until he saw at least one of those creatures. Bones' absence took almost everything from Jim, and Spock wrenched away from Jim what had been left. He felt both his face heat and his heart fill a little with her gracious offer.
"Yes, it would," he managed.
"But for now, I don't think my husband would mind our guards opening these doors for you. After all," she paused and bowed her head low towards him. "We are greatly indebted to you and your crew."
She rose and motioned to the guards. Jim's curiosity swelled as wide as the opening doors, swiftly becoming an aching desire to see the snakes.
"This room has been vacant for many months, but earlier today we established a small shrine for our religious purposes. It is arguably the most impressive areas in the palace, beginning with its doors. It's no wonder you were sidetracked, Young Kirk. I'm humbled it drew your attention."
Jim frowned. Vacant? For months? He looked at Eoksa, keen disappointment mixed with confusion. As their gazes met, her eyes flared, illuminating until its intensity pierced Jim's own eyes and he was forced to look away. Jim furrowed his brow and glanced back towards the widening doors. Not a single cry slipped from the room. Questioning himself in earnest, he began to wonder if he had actually seen the warrior woman. He knew he was losing his grasp on reality due to the intrusion of his Tarsus memories, but if this continued and worsened someone would notice. Then he'd be forced to inform Bones...no...M'Benga now.
No. Jim shook the doubt away. He couldn't doubt himself. He'd heard the creatures in this very place. He-
The guards stepped aside. Jim stared in disbelief, too shocked to enter with Uhura.
Jim broke out into a cold sweat. It could not be the same room. This was stark white, uninhabited, spotless, and almost empty, save the small shrine along one wall. But Lequa explained to him everything regarding this room. It held the snakes, the birds...the...
But they weren't there and no trace of them remained.
"Princess Eoksa, this room has been completely vacant...until today?" Jim swallowed uncomfortably.
"Oh, yes, Young Kirk. Completely stripped and empty, waiting for us to conform it to our present purposes." Her voice dashed him like a bucket of cold water.
This couldn't be. Jim stepped forward. Desperate to be right, he reached in his memory for every detail of his conversation with the prince. Lequa had told them all, hadn't he? The door...there had to be at least another door...
Jim's gaze trailed the entire length of the room- but he found nothing resembling another exit leading to the Re'an garden. In fact, there were no other doors except for the one Jim and Uhura had just walked through.
The truth sunk in and panic latched its cruel hands around Jim. That conversation had occurred between two, no more. No one else had been informed of this room.
Absolutely no one...but Jim.