Author's Note: First, I apologize for my extended absence. :) But, now I am back. A few things got in the way, including real life, other writing, and some time being quite uninspired. I really appreciated those reviews that kept rolling in for the last chapter. It actually got the creative juices moving to post. Although I'm unsure if I will post weekly, I won't drag it out for monthly updates. Not to worry. :)
It may be a good idea for you to reread the last chapter, and then follow it with this one. This chapter is a game changer. It's a major twist you're going to either love me for it...or be very, very irritated with the author. Or maybe a mix of the two. It's going to create a few more questions but answer a heck of a lot. You may just find yourself quite happy with the turn of events, even if the author is still prone to keep Kirk a hurt!Jim for a little while longer.
I have split this story into parts in order for the flow of the story to continue. This chapter now begins Part Two. I actually think this break in posting will help you see how this is quite the turning point. More notes at the end. Thanks so much for reading, and if you drop a review, thanks for that, too!
Part Two
The tension in sickbay was palpable as Spock's hand fell away from Jim's face. This most recent meld with the catatonic captain disconcerted Spock greatly. The captain's condition dictated that the melds be superficial. Nonetheless, Spock fought a growing burden of despair and abandonment which displaced his logic. Spock felt the eyes of McCoy upon him, but he could not answer the unspoken questions.
Spock stared at Jim. Those emotions were not his own although he wished them to be solely his for his captain's sake. He'd battled them ever since he and McCoy rescued Jim from the Re'an's hands thirteen days ago. Jim was hurting, doubly. Not only did the captain's physical body in front of Spock display the results of captivity on Re'an V, but Jim's mind also suffered from that torture. Distorted and erroneous memories overwhelmed Jim with their false impressions and emotions.
"Well?" McCoy's urgency cut through Spock's thoughts.
Spock opened his mouth to speak and gagged on the dryness, the painful and thick sensation cutting into his throat. He choked through the captain's thoughts threatening to careen his own sanity into darkness. He tried to speak again, managing but a frail sputter.
"Here." McCoy handed him a cup of water. "Drink slowly."
Spock sipped the liquid, assessing his own physical and mental abilities. He deduced his powers suffered a severe blow, weakening by 18.4 percent. He could not risk another meld without permanently succumbing to some of the same maladies Jim was experiencing.
"Better?" McCoy's asked gravely.
Spock shook his head. He'd prefer complete numbness to these conflicting, tumultuous emotions. He desired to curl into a ball as his captain had done in his twisted memory and weep. He also doubted McCoy's concern and wished to reply in hurt and with anger.
Logic told Spock those thoughts were not his own. They were a result of the meld and, eventually, he would overcome them. He must keep his strength; he was the only one capable of helping Jim in this way - or they would lose Jim completely to a tormented, false world. The situation in Jim's mind had deteriorated, increasing the dangers of the melds with Spock for both of them. Worse still, as the captain's emotional and mental well-being continued to wither, Spock's ability to reach Jim through a deeper, penetrating meld also diminished.
The chosen one left too deep a barrier and too intricate a maze of disjointed scenes, memories, and impressions of the Re'an mission.
"The meld's emotional transfer is...great."
"Of all the times to get emotional, you pick now." McCoy muttered under his breath.
"It cannot be helped." Spock tamped down a sarcastic but defensive reply forming in his mind, one akin to what Jim would say. "I am not penetrating his thoughts. I am merely a watchman, but his emotions do spill over to me, Dr. McCoy."
Dr. McCoy did not appear to have heard. "Did ya forget that the last time you melded with Jim, you discovered he was stripped of his sense of touch? Did ya forget that if he's not strapped down, I must place him in stasis to keep his body still for his own safety and protection? Good God, man! His brain fulfills each and every fear that was provoked by the chosen one's meld. We are running out of time. What will be next? His voice? His sight?"
In his mottled state, Spock could not properly follow the rapid firing of accusations and barely managed to catch the end of McCoy's rant. He found his voice to explain. "In Jim's false mental world, the Re'an blinded him. His brain reacted in turn, as it has with each new fear. Jim, indeed, is blind."
"What?" McCoy revealed his shock for several seconds before his face hardened into a cool, professional mask. The doctor spoke not a word but glanced down at the man lying still and catatonic on the biobed. Quickly, he began to scan both of Jim's open, ever-brilliant blue eyes. Spock could not yet remove himself from Jim's side, and McCoy worked around him, every movement reflecting a guarded, silent rage. After a moment, McCoy stopped abruptly, frowning at Spock.
"I'm now getting a very odd reading, but I won't know for sure what the condition of his eyes is unless I am able to run more thorough testing, and I can't risk that yet. His vitals are going haywire. He needs rest." McCoy ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "Medical readings aside, I believe that your assessment is correct. I also believe there may be very little that I can do, unless we can rewire his brain. However, if Jim could begin to somehow understand that what he is thinking right now is not his reality, his brain could then begin the proper signaling, right? It should be the same for his lack of touch sensation. We can work with that, Spock. We have to. He can't live in a catatonic state, unfeeling, restrained, blind, dependent on catheters for bodily processes and dependent on IV fluids - and then maintain his present health and physique."
The thought of that was intolerable. Still wrought with Jim's emotions, Spock visibly shifted. McCoy closed his mouth abruptly, appearing like he wished to say more but reluctant to do so because of Spock's uncharacteristic fidgeting.
"Dr. McCoy, I presume you have not disclosed the extent of Jim's injuries."
McCoy scowled. "Jim will require physical therapy to regain use of his hand, the very hand on which one large Re'an male crushed and imprinted with his damn heel. If Jim doesn't visibly respond within a few days, physical therapy will begin without Jim's willing involvement. If he can't help with his own therapy, it won't be as effective. Actually, it simply won't be effective."
"He will not regain use of his hand," Spock said, a knot growing in his stomach.
"No, he won't." McCoy frowned. "Not unless I re-break virtually every bone of his hand and restructure the muscles one surgery at a time. That could take...months. Years for therapy to truly work, unless we can figure out a way to manipulate his hand mechanically. There has to be something we can do that could stimulate his mind. It may take time, but with the proper channeling..."
"It is not that simple," Spock stated. "The Re'an meld was quite complex, doctor. The child's influence continues even now. Due to his techniques which continue to ravage Jim's mind, it would take me an indeterminate amount of time to even begin to identify the patterns I observed. If we proceed blindly-"
McCoy scowled deeper.
Spock arched a brow. "Excuse my poor choice of words, doctor. If we proceed...without a definite plan...we will cause more damage."
The doctor exhaled a strangled sigh and set down the scanner. His shoulders drooped as his attention returned to Jim, whose gaze fixed vacantly on the ceiling. The captain's chest rose and fell as steadily as before, showing no sign that he even registered his loss of sight. As he had done countless times before, McCoy bent over Jim and brushed the captain's shaven head deliberately, careful of the catheter. Soon, his hand came to rest on Jim's forehead.
McCoy softened his voice. "I'll fix it, Jim. I promise. If I can't fix it, I'll never stop trying. But for you, Jim...and Spock..." McCoy glanced at Spock. "For you both, it's becoming too dangerous to meld."
"Perhaps." Spock reconsidered his previous thoughts concerning the melding in the wake of learning about Jim's hand.
McCoy rubbed his jaw and shook his head. "No more, Spock. Jim wouldn't want you harmed - and neither do I. I know I was upset earlier but I see what you aren't telling me. We will find another way. I'll sedate him for the night. It's the only way he will sleep. We'll start over tomorrow."
Spock was too fatigued to protest, although he would do whatever he must for his captain. As McCoy requested a sedative for Jim, Spock considered the unresponsive human before him. The thirteen days that had passed seemed liked decades. Thirteen days ago, Spock and McCoy escaped from their cell, soon beaming down enough security to help them extract Jim safely from the grips of the degenerating Re'an but it was too late. Prior to their arrival, Jim endured a fierce, merciless beating by a group of Re'an males succumbing to violent tendencies. They left him near death but alive just enough to bear the Re'an meld. The Re'an meld had been next, somewhat shortened when Spock and McCoy tore through the doors with security and found and rescued their captain. Now, utilizing the words of Nyota, Spock decided he 'hardly recognized Jim.'
Bruises then covered Jim's entire body, from his forehead and base of his neck down to his fingers and toes and not sparing what was hidden under the cotton gown and blanket. Jim's face and neck sported more serious contusions; the wrists and ankles where metal shackles had kept Jim busy in trying to free himself, the worst.
The injuries did not end there. Jim sustained several broken bones in both of his arms, hands, and legs, all of which McCoy healed with careful precision, excluding the difficulty with Jim's right hand. Two days previously, McCoy had informed Spock that an infection had set in Jim's right thigh from the infused alien blood and Spock had watched as the doctor carefully drained the infection the first time. He watched again as McCoy lifted the white sheet from Jim's leg, tucking it elsewhere. His hands gentle and methodical, McCoy pulled Jim's gown away from the site and removed the bandage to reveal the jagged injury. The inflamed skin oozed pus, Jim's thigh looking more irritated and painful than before.
"This damned alien blood. Jim's pain from this would be off the charts. It's a damned good thing he can't feel it. It swelled overnight," McCoy muttered as he worked cleaning and re-bandaging the affected area. "We found the blood's weakness this morning. We can beat it but it will take another week or two to fully heal, with Jim off of his feet. Not like that will be an issue."
Spock knew McCoy's frustration stemmed from the fact that that the wound required constant supervision and periodic draining to rid Jim's body of accumulating alien bacteria. Due to the vivacity and strength of the Re'an blood, resolving the problem had been challenging. Hearing it will be healed in two weeks pacified Spock, as before there wasn't an end to the infection in sight.
As McCoy tended to Jim's wound, Spock considered the rest of the damage the Re'an had inflicted. McCoy repaired four broken ribs but Jim's entire ribcage suffered damage. The doctor controlled the internal bleeding in Jim's abdomen but three surgeries had been required to fix the damage. The doctor also kept vigilant watch over the swelling in Jim's brain. Although McCoy himself said he hated the catheter which emphasized Jim's shaven head, he refused to remove it until all danger cleared.
McCoy repaired much of the damage and medication warded off bodily pain but the ultimate work of the vicious Re'an had not faded. A mixture of both twisted memories and faux viewpoints of his crew refused to stop their mighty onslaught upon Jim's psyche. Spock ascertained yesterday that only 25.3% of Jim's memories of the Re'an mission were accurate. As of two point three minutes ago, that calculation decreased by 4.6%. The Re'an, despite their extinct state, also managed to crush Jim's spirit.
"He is giving up." Spock simply stated.
"The hell he is!" McCoy scowled as he covered Jim's leg with the sheet and glanced up at Jim's readings. "He may have been stripped of the things that has made him Jim Kirk, but he does not give up. He will pull through, Spock, and he'll do it before HQ wants another update on their infamous Captain."
The door opened to the captain's private room. Nurse Chapel entered, and upon seeing Spock, gave the doctor a hesitant glance.
"I know it's early yet, but we attempted another mind meld," McCoy quietly explained. "I don't want to keep Jim up any longer."
"Do you want me to leave the sedative, Dr. McCoy?" She asked.
"No." McCoy reached over and gently held the least injured of Jim's hands. "Go ahead."
Spock duly noted that up until seven point four days ago when Jim still had his sense of touch, he had responded to the doctor's ministrations. The response had always been a slight elevation to his heart rate. Now, there was no response because there could be no response.
Spock's chest twisted with an emotion he had not felt since the death of his mother.
"Don't ya find it ironic, Spock?" McCoy asked, his eyes never leaving Jim's as Nurse Chapel administered the sedative. When Jim didn't protest the hypo as he would under other circumstances, Spock felt a distinct sense of dismay once more. Within seconds, the captain's eyes fluttered shut.
As Nurse Chapel exited the room, Spock tilted his head and considered him carefully. "Please explain, doctor."
McCoy clutched Jim's limp hand with both of his own, and Spock saw quite clearly a brilliant image of the best friend that Jim sorely missed. The man who loved Jim like a brother, who would do anything for him and Jim, the same. Yet, the void in the captain's heart had become Spock's. It threatened to ravage his sanity, especially as a wave of fresh agony washed over him. The shared, emotional anguish sent him reeling once again. The concept of vengeance swirled in his mind; he willed his spine to straighten.
Had the Re'an been alive and in close proximity, Spock was not certain he would behave according to Star Fleet standards.
"Jim clearly needs physical touch and the reassurance that we are here, yet he doesn't even know we're comforting him. He can't, not in this state. It's impossible, unless he can hear us." McCoy stopped abruptly, but only a moment as his voice became filled with a quiet rage. "Is that what these bastards planned? Did they know his fears and orchestrate every last bit? This is why he's giving up. He believes I abandoned our friendship and threw him into the fire. He believes we aren't here, that we aren't coming back for him after he sacrificed himself for us...in this...this messed up world of his. But, he did sacrifice himself in our reality in that cursed sacred room and we never turned our backs."
"He cannot help it, and I cannot stop it," Spock explained softly. "There is more, Dr. McCoy. In Jim's version of the mission and his capture, as convoluted as they both are, they stripped away his desire to fight. I have ascertained that during the Re'an meld in our reality, the chosen one was to instigate a path of destruction if the Re'an were unable to retrieve what they wanted from the captain. As you know, the Re'an of Re'an V are all dead by their own hand, doctor. Therefore, the path of destruction has begun."
"What are you saying?"
"We must assume, doctor, that Jim fought with the chosen one during the meld and they were unable to retrieve the memories they needed. However, the child severed their connection once prior to our arrival into the room. Also prior and in retaliation, the boy's violent urges spilled over into the meld and he harmed the captain most viciously. Not only did he cause Jim's fears to arise and infiltrate his memories to falsify them, the boy took away Jim's very desire to fight."
"Why?" As always, McCoy stood resolutely beside Jim. "What the hell was the point of doing any of that?"
"The Re'an valued peace. They lacked the will and desire to fight only if their culture sustained proper maintenance. The Re'an also valued those who charmed their snakes and who in turn were charmed by these same, sacred creatures, such as our captain. They needed Jim, but more than that, they accepted Jim; those reasons are why they melded. Jim is now one of them since they melded and his will has been broken to fit their way. The Re'an went to great lengths to get him."
Spock paused, grieved that Jim was subjected to and believed in these numerous, contorted memories and ideas. In particular, that Jim believed his erroneous decisions and the abandonment by McCoy were real and at the heart of the captain's failure and the crew's capture. Those were all fears, fears Jim experienced in his mind that were as real as anything he could see and touch.
The Re'an had known how to act - and when. And now, Jim was helpless to believe every lie and it was this which trapped him in the darkest, loneliest depths of his mind. Spock and McCoy would do whatever it took to get their captain back. Jim was theirs. The Re'an weren't the only ones who refused to relinquish their hold.
"They went to great lengths to get him and were determined to keep him, even when they stood at death's door. Doctor, other than Soona, Jim is the last."
"The last what?" McCoy's hushed words filled with trepidation. "Re'an?"
"Indeed."
A/N #2: I'll try to answer a few questions I believe you have running through your mind. yes, every chapter before this occurred in Jim's mind. Or, in other words, Part One was Jim's version. Much is untrue or misconstrued. Those chapters are, however, an important skeleton of what did happen and cannot be dismissed. I will leave much up to your imagination about what really did occur until/as I address certain parts. You've already gained some insight to what isn't true; McCoy and Jim did not experience trouble in their friendship except for what flashed in Jim's mind, which he nows believes to be true. that, too, is a problem and how they resolve it will take time and the steadiness of the good doctor. Realistically, I won't cover all that had manifested in Jim's mind but you will see how this all pulls together.
I always struggle with these author's notes and never find myself satisfied after I write them. I do want to add one other thing. Soon after I posted my last chapter, I almost pressed delete to this story for various reasons. I am back as a reinspired writer who craves positive feedback. I do hope you enjoy the story as we continue. :)