Author's Note: This chapter is all for McCoy, with a little h/c for the doctor. It also sheds some light on what really went down before and during the Re'an V mess.
While the first part of the story was a portrayal of a disintegrating friendship, there are different obstacles now. I did my best to show the fragility of Jim and McCoy's friendship, and I know some of you weren't happy with me for that one. :-) If you've ever been through such a trial, you know it's difficult and heart wrenching to say the least. And I know - I've been there, myself. If it resonated with you, I hope it was somehow healing for you in the end. As you know now for Jim and McCoy, things weren't as they seemed.
Thank you, DLB48, for the wonderful beta reading. Enjoy, and if you are so inclined, drop a review. They are greatly appreciated as well as being an author's inspiration!
Silence hung uneasily over the conference room as Spock paused to allow for questions. Chekov had nearly fidgeted himself out of his chair in his eagerness to learn everything regarding the captain's predicament. McCoy now waited for the navigator to speak first, sensing the young Russian's need to satisfy his curiosity.
"Ze keptin doesn't remember us?" Chekov's woeful eyes scanned those around the table. "Not at all?"
"He does not remember he has a crew." Spock clasped his hands in front of him on the table as if the very action pained him. "However, he remembers each of you individually - as his friends."
"Why would zey do zomething like zat?"
Although he knew the answer - they probably all did - McCoy had asked why a million times already.
"Stripping the captain of his identity as a Starfleet officer allowed the Re'an influence to overwhelm his humanity. In his vulnerable state, they were able to impress the characteristics of their species upon him."
"Ze keptin...he fought?"
"Ach, the lad dinnae do anything else. It's in his nature," Mr. Scott spoke in earnest.
"Damn right he did," McCoy whispered.
"Because the captain fought during the meld, wanting to protect his tragic memories especially from a child, the chosen one acted maliciously towards him. I do not believe it was executed solely by the child but with direction from Prince Lequa himself. Nonetheless, the Re'an meld caused the captain's complications. I reiterate: at the present time, the captain is unable to recall his status as captain of this vessel. He does, however, remember his friendship with each one of you." Spock's gaze pierced each of the command crew. "You will be allocated time with him in hopes that your conversations will provoke authentic memories. However, I must have your word that you will not call him captain nor will this information go beyond those in this room. For the captain's sake, we will inform the rest of the crew at some indefinite time in the future. You will be tactful in your conversation and will not press him. Lieutenant Uhura has provided guidelines for us all. It is better he comes to know the truth gradually, just as we are working with his maladies in similar increments. He is also under strict medical regulations per Dr. McCoy's discretion. Limiting visitors is one such necessary priority at this time."
"I understand," Sulu said without hesitation.
"You have my word, Mr. Spock," Dr. Marcus replied, eyes wide and bright. Had he been here, Jim would have preened and later boasted endlessly to McCoy about the effect he had on Carol.
McCoy scowled. The old Jim would have done that. He doubted that the person Jim had become had the ability to comprehend the mutual attraction he had with a woman. Furthermore, the now meek and timid captain would not discuss it with anyone, let alone his friend. Although the boasting would be as annoying as hell, McCoy would do anything to hear it from a healed and whole captain.
McCoy glared at Spock, wanting to be out of this painful meeting and back at Jim's side where he needed to be.
Mr. Scott, after glancing curiously at McCoy, added, "Anything for the captain."
"Will he be who he was, someday? Our keptin?"
Spock looked at McCoy to reply but a lump grew in McCoy's throat, just as it had each time such questions raised in his own mind.
"Doctor," Spock prodded.
McCoy stopped glaring momentarily only to clear his throat. "I believe..." McCoy hesitated, seeing that the expression on each of Jim's crew - Jim's family - was so expectant. He stopped himself before falling short in his reply. He could sugar coat it or give them the painful truth. "It will take time and patience. He reacts much like a child at this point. He will never recover-"
Dr. Marcus drew a sharp breath. "Never? I don't understand."
McCoy sighed and dragged a hand through his hair, probably making it even more unruly than it appeared earlier when he caught his reflection. In his unpredictable morose mood, he had worded that entirely wrong. But as he spoke, his words lacked any luster whatsoever. "His bruises and wounds and bones are healing, with the exception of the few more serious injuries that will take time. But mentally and emotionally? Completely? I'm uncertain, but now that Spock has established a bond with Jim, through this low-level Vulcan meld, I can be more hopeful that he will recover and become the person we remember. Because his blindness and lack of touch sensation have no medical cause, this is also our best hope of improving those conditions. I cannot say more at this time."
"And it is enough." Uhura's clear voice broke through the ensuing silence for the first time since the meeting began. "Your honesty brings clarity to the situation. The captain would not want us to dwell on what is gone. He would encourage us to move forward, and we will, but not without him. We will carry him through this. He would do no less for us."
"Aye," Scott leaned forward, nodding at McCoy. "Doctor, dinnae lose your hope."
"I never said I did." McCoy huffed.
"Aye, but ye did," Scott's eyes softened. "Without even sayin' it."
"I could tell you all what Jim has forgotten. Sickbay. The bridge. Things too numerous to mention. I could tell you that he is afraid of feeling anything that is more than what Spock permits him to feel. He believes that the Re'an rightly and justly inflicted his condition on him and through it all, he still trusts them." McCoy stopped, frowning down at his hands. "But the one thing that tears me up most inside? It's that he believes I am not the friend he thought I was, but I am the friend he wants and I cannot explain to him why. He believes it so fiercely I wonder if he has a valid reason for his distrust. Tell me, does that give you hope?"
"Yes, it does," Carol swiftly replied, a small smile forming on her lips. "It shows us that you will not stop until you prove to him you are that friend."
Uhura reached over and took his hand. "Your actions now speak louder than words, Dr. McCoy."
"And that's enough for you?" McCoy wondered aloud. He opened his mouth to speak again when a comm sounded.
"Nurse Chapel to Dr. McCoy."
"Yes, Chris." McCoy waited with bated breath, knowing it had to be about Jim for her to interrupt this meeting.
"The captain is awake. He's..." Christine hesitated.
"Go on, Chris."
"His hand and arm are hurting him quite a bit, doctor. I believe it is the first time the captain ever admitted to me the amount of pain he is experiencing - and he remembers you said something earlier about 'real food' to calm the gnawing hunger in his stomach. The combination has been unsettling for him and I believe he needs you to come right away."
"I'll be right there," McCoy said, glancing up at Spock. He offered a stiff but apologetic nod. "McCoy out."
"Before you leave, Dr. McCoy, I must tell you that you and Jim have a bond of friendship that is unrivaled," said Spock. "It is more than sufficient, doctor, indeed. Do not be discouraged. Just as you do not wish to fail Jim, he does not want to fail you. He senses your hesitation and frustration. It adds to his distrust."
"Why didn't tell me that before? Why the hell now, Spock?" McCoy rose abruptly from his chair, fists clenched at his side. "Spock, if he senses my frustration, it means I am not doing my job. If he doesn't trust me, that, too, could have a damaging effect on all we are trying to do for him. Do you realize what that could do? Dammit, Christine was right. Even blind, he is seeing right through me. He doesn't want to fail me? This is out of his control! He can't let me down. That's impossible. It's the other way around!"
Spock looked up calmly at him. "I did not inform you earlier because of the high probability that it would only prove to upset you more. Furthermore, sharing the information did not seem prudent - until now."
McCoy bit off a sarcastic reply when he realized he was being watched by every single pair of eyes in the room and proving Spock's point. He set his shoulders and glared at the Acting Captain as he strode to the door. He'd had enough. He had enough of hearing that Jim thought he was a friend who'd abandoned him at his greatest time of need. He had enough of seeing himself through Jim's twisted memory.
No more. He'd prove to Jim over and over that he was the brother Jim had hoped for and the faithful friend Jim deserved. He could never give up trying to fix Jim, nor would he ever stop showing Jim who he was to him. He'd do absolutely anything he had to fix their relationship. Anything.
They were all watching him as he expected, but the only one he was concerned about observing him was in his sickbay, blinded in more ways than one. Physically, Jim couldn't see anything else but darkness. But neither could he see McCoy's allegiance to their friendship.
McCoy paused in his step as the doors slid open. "No matter what, despite the demands of HQ or anything else, I will not allow us to stop until Jim is once more the person he was destined to be - James Tiberious Kirk, captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Then, if when we have finished fighting for the essence of our friend and captain the resulting man includes a few alien tendencies none of us ever anticipated, then so be it. In spite of it all, he will be Jim. Our Jim."
Nyota had wanted to find McCoy and discuss the conversation she had with Aleyah, but time had not allowed for that. And now, seeing a beloved friend of theirs hurting so deeply, she could not sit back when she very well knew something that could be of help. She left the meeting with the promise to return and soon caught up with Dr. McCoy.
"Lieutenant," McCoy's brow rose. "I'm in a hurry."
"I know," she said, matching his swift stride. "I have information that you may be interested in, Dr. McCoy."
"Oh?" McCoy looked straight ahead.
"It sheds some light on the manifestation Jim had of your argument in sickbay," she said gently.
McCoy jerked his head towards her, scowling. "I'm through talking about that, Uhura."
"This will help, I promise," she pleaded softly. "Let me explain."
He hesitated but she could see the curiosity rising in his eyes. "I don't understand how anything you have to say could possibly help...but I'll listen."
She took a deep breath...
**********previously on the Enterprise**********
"Sir, may I have a word with you?"
The captain peered up at her, taking a momentary break from tying his boots, probably astonished that she had managed to skirted around both Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel. Aleyeh was aware that he had experienced an adverse, unprecedented reaction to the last inoculation, a complication exacerbated by his legendary allergies. She had carefully monitored sickbay channels and learned that the doctor has certificated him fit for duty, just in time for the captain to participate in the landing party. Aleyah knew that the captain was distracted by plans to safely extract Soona from the Re'ans' scheming hands and to evacuate the remaining members of the archaeology team. She was determined to be a part of those plans.
He looked better than when she'd last seen him, completely bed-ridden with gripping nausea. She had no business standing at the threshold of his private room, but she was running out of time.
"Dr. Jahnas," he said slowly. "Yes. You caught me just in time. I am about to accompany our security team to Re'an V."
"Yes. I know, sir. You will attend the Re'an banquet and extract Soona." The crisp words matched her purposefully detached expression. It was a far cry from the other night when they'd enjoyed an evening of friendship and a little bit of flirting while informally studying the drawings and behaviors of the Re'an creatures.
"What's on your mind, Dr. Jahnas?" Jim stood and grabbed his jacket to ward off the cooler temperatures of an Re'an V evening.
"May I speak freely, Captain?"
He very well knew that she never did anything but speak freely. He must be humoring her as he buttoned his jacket and nodded. "Please make it quick. I am scheduled to leave with security and others of the away team in five minutes."
"You may need my expertise regarding the creatures, especially if they are in the banquet room. Please, sir, allow me to accompany the away team."
"This banquet will not be a pleasant event if things to go awry. We must proceed cautiously to protect Soona and get her to the Enterprise in the least conspicuous way. Your expertise could, indeed, help us, Dr. Jahnas. In fact, I wish I could let you go." He took her arm and made the motion to escort her out of his room, his mind no doubt properly fixed upon the precarious situation on Re'an. "However, you know I can't allow that."
She stopped in her tracks in the hallway, demanding attention with a stare. He jerked to a stop. "Captain," she said through clenched teeth. "I have worked non-stop on this mission from day one. You prohibited me from attending the Re'an ceremony, a most rare occasion for any xenozoologist. We have spent extra time together debating every possible scenarios with these snakes - they're dangerous. They are dangerous to you and to me, I understand that. But you are going."
"Yes, I am going. Prince Lequa expects my presence and would be suspicious without it. I am also captain and responsible for the lives of my crew." He narrowed his eyes. "I will not allow you to accompany the landing team. It is too dangerous- as was the Re'an ceremony - and the risks far outweigh the good that you could do. You have done your job, going beyond what was asked of you and I am grateful. You've given us the information and we are appropriately prepared. Those snakes responded to us both - no one else. If what we deciphered about the symbol is correct and those creatures do in fact indicate the ones who have memories the Re'an need, they will want both of us. But the truth is that we don't know what to expect, we don't know why they need memories. Therefore, we do not have a solution for them and beaming down there a second time is already a risk. Dr. Jahans, I will not endanger your life unnecessarily."
"This is because of Gaila, isn't it?" She glared at him.
The captain took a step back as if stung by the false accusation but a mask of calm quickly covered his features. He once again appeared as in control of his true feelings as he was on Re'an V in the presence of Prince Lequa. He firmly replied. "No. It is not about her."
"Yes, it is," she insisted. "The reason that I'm even on your ship in the first place is because of her. You want to make sure I succeed in life- on a starship - because she didn't get the chance and now-"
"This is not the time, Dr. Jahnas," Jim said in a low voice. They were already drawing attention but it wasn't unusual for Jim to have to quickly douse a fire she started, especially in public. "Please desist or I will take appropriate action to discipline you."
She sweetened her smile, hoping that backing down slightly would change his mind. "I know you care for me, Jim, especially by the way you looked at me the other night. You must be concerned for my safety."
She relied on her old tricks. These were the tricks Gaila always warned her would get her nowhere with Jim, but the captain occasionally put his blinders on and chose to fall for them. She was certain Jim did care for her but he also cared for Dr. Marcus, which certainly could confuse the man. Aleyah was different from Carol, but both of them were strong and intelligent, qualities which she assumed intrigued the captain.
"Again, we will talk when I return." He dropped his hand from her elbow and stepped back. "This is for your safety, Dr. Jahnas. We are both aware that the creatures' sensitivity towards us is great, more than anyone else, making it very dangerous for us both. I cannot be concerned about your life and be distracted -"
"So you do care. Maybe that is interfering with your judgement. You know I am a valuable asset. Please, captain, allow me go with the team."
"Dr. Jahnas," he said quietly. "I do not need distractions while we are extracting Soona but more than that it is about your life. And this is clearly not the time for the type of discussion you want to have. You have disobeyed a direct order - expect disciplinary action upon my return. Right now, I suggest you leave sickbay before I do so we don't attract unnecessary attention or cause a scene."
"You did say I could speak freely, captain." It became harder to play nice when he was so stubborn - and probably right. She didn't care about the disciplinary action. Her desire to beam to Re'an V one last time overwhelmed any thought of her own safety.
"Dr. Jahnas, that is enough. Like I said, I suggest you leave sickbay - quietly." The captain barely contained his anger. Aleyah knew she was fortunate, for any other Star Fleet captain would have stopped her long before this point. Captain Kirk had graciously let her have her say, even as she dug herself in a hole. Maybe he hoped she would finally learn that he would not put up with it, even if they did enjoy a little bit of friendly flirting with each other off duty. She already knew he wouldn't put up with it, but she had to try anyways.
"You suggest I leave quietly," she snorted, planning to fight back in her own way. She hated that he was right to ground her on the Enterprise but realized that she could twist this to her own advantage in a different way than she first thought. He cared for her, but she would now make it difficult for him to win any chance of her affection. The captain loved challenges. Well, she was about to give him one. "Fine. I do see your point but I don't like being left in the dust. Expect for me not to like it for a very, very long time, Jim. That will probably make a certain blonde science officer very happy, but I don't care. Captain, I do wish you and the away team the best. Be careful, sir."
Tossing her head, Aleyah stalked off and left a flabbergasted captain in her wake.
**********end scene**********
Nyota finished relaying what Aleyah had said but McCoy's look of misery never cracked, as if he was dwelling on the quick, sound thinking Jim had and comparing it now to the man the Re'an meld had ravaged.
"This is what was scrambled in that brain of his. He was protecting Aleyah, but somehow I was made the bad guy in an entirely different situation." He scowled when she was done. "If I'd ever gotten my hands on them..."
She placed a hand on his arm. "Sadly, what happened to them in the end is worse than what you or I or anyone on this ship would have wished upon them, even as justice for our captain. But, yes, Spock also believes this is part of what was twisted in Jim's mind."
"Jim kept Dr. Jahnas from an experience just like his, or something worse." McCoy took a deep breath. "That much is certain."
"She is also aware of this. Spock has forfeited any disciplinary action in lieu of her humble acknowledgement of recent events and her heartfelt apology - and for crew moral. Unless, of course, Jim desires to pursue disciplinary action when he returns to command."
McCoy's eyes filled with pain.
"He will return to us." Nyota honestly believed Jim would return to them and she would hold on to this belief, if only to help revitalize the doctor's own hope. If McCoy lost any of his optimism, where would the rest of them be? "The manifestation was Jim's fear and this memory, which was twisted by the Re'an meld. It was out of your hands. The road to healing your fractured friendship will no doubt be challenging but with time, I'm sure the captain will come to understand."
"I won't blame him if he doesn't," muttered McCoy.
"Leonard..." Uhura said softly.
"You know as well as I do that nothing is easy with Jim Kirk...and...we did have our moments." McCoy sighed.
"Don't lose your hope," she pleaded gently, now worried about the new strain around his eyes. "He will understand...I am sure of it."
"Uhura," McCoy said, the lines around his face finally relaxing as they reached the doors of sickbay. It wasn't a smile, but it was close. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in a warm, tight embrace, gratitude and relief pouring from him. "Thank you."