Author's Note: I'm back! Sorry for the slightly extended wait for a new chapter. I appreciate the reviews from last chapter and the inquiries if I was alright. I am - but winter affects many things for me, energy being one. But...back to the story - I wanted to rewrite my next chapters and it just took me a much longer time to do so. As I was in a quandary concerning my rewrites, I began to post this story on AO3. That decision snowballed into some minor editing of each chapter. When I got to Chapter 25, however, it snowballed some more. I had an idea for an extra scene, a scene that I just had to include. It tugged at my heart. From that one scene came more! A few of them going back to this one particular scene between best friends Jim and Bones that is quite tender, and it has definitely influenced my writing for this chapter.
So, the new stuff? There are additional scenes now in Chapters 25, 26, 27, AND 28! I know authors generally shy away from all of that. I have never done this kind of major change before. If this upsets you? Continue along your merry way with this chapter without looking back. It won't be difficult to stick with the story if you don't reread. However, I strongly recommend that you read those before this chapter, or at least the new scenes, because it is my (humble) opinion that these scenes, which came out of nowhere for me, have made this story deeper and better. I WISH that I had thought of them while originally posting those chapters. But, I didn't, and since this is my story...I didn't stew over the decision but decided to proceed with these fresh changes. The new scenes have inspired me, and I hope that you'll let me know if you like them! If you are a naysayer? I prefer to hear positive news, please.
About this chapter - it contains colorful language. More than you are used to from me. I generally shy away from stronger swear words but in this chapter I do not. This chapter is also angsty. A little more than the last ones. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming soon. I promise, but this chapter sets the stage for some things and I believe Jim grows with what I have planned. I utilize an unlikely character to help him in a scene or two. Unlikely for this verse, at least, since I am not pairing Jim with anyone.
There is another Re'an V scene. I include those so you can draw parallels with the scenes around them. It is my intention to add depth to the story this way. Also, I have foreshadowed events numerous times. I wonder if anyone caught one of those foreshadowings in chapter two, via Jim's thoughts in regards to his future condition?
One other thing - this chapter is unbeta'd (as are the new scenes I added to previous chapters). Please pardon my errors. Like...really pardon them. I'm sure I'll catch some errors in hindsight. I love having that second set of eyes as well as the critique before I post, but I no longer have a beta reader for this story. I am on the lookout for a new one. I had one offer from the AO3 site that I am considering, but she cannot assist me for some time. If you are interested, please send me a message. I am not working as fast as I was before in regards to new chapters. I am trying. Believe me. I did NOT intend for this story to be unfinished in February! I blame this horrid winter on just about everything. I was trying to post once a week and obviously failed. I cannot promise I will update next week. I will try, however.
Reviews are just so, so great. Please, if you're liking this story, let me know. :) Thank you so much for reading. I apologize for this lengthy note. Despite the perpetual hurt I seem to like (or love) to inflict upon Jim Kirk, it won't be forever. I see Jim, Bones, and Spock only coming out of all this stronger than ever. Hope you enjoy the read.
Jim awoke with dread swirling in his stomach and the name of his best friend churning unsavorily right along with it. At the time, the process of dumping his clothes out of the dresser had been freeing. Now, he felt like a child about to be reprimanded, and he feared removing himself from the haven he called his bed. Jim took too long to change and then he intentionally fell asleep instead of returning to his living space and working with Chekov. Bones always checked up on him. He had to have seen what Jim had done. What was Bones going to say to him? All that work, and Jim dumped it out on the floor. He disobeyed their orders to work with Chekov. Jim was in trouble, and he half-expected Bones to storm in here, angry as he had been before with Jim in sick-
You're going to crash into a wall and I'm not going to be there to help y-
Jim lurched up, his heart in his throat, and the words shattered, breaking into millions of shards. They coursed down his body, some merely scratching his exposed skin, others ripping him to shreds. More pieces appeared out of nowhere and rammed into his head like spikes, striking Jim in his most vulnerable places repeatedly.
He whimpered and filled with a brutal fear of his friend. No, no, no. He clutched at his hat, pulling it down as far as he could over his face and pulled his knees to his chest, rocking himself back and forth. No. Not Bones. No. Not Bones. Not Bones. Bones didn't talk to him like that anymore. Where was the Bones of last week? This week? Of...of yesterday? Jim's breath caught painfully in his chest, as if hot metal curled around his rib cage - he could not find the friend who had held him in the bath to protect him. Or brought him tea to comfort him. Or made sure he had his hat so he wasn't embarrassed. Bones wasn't anywhere to be found but his cruel words echoed, loud and clear, digging into his consciousness. The doctor's voice boomed until it was all that Jim heard.
The words crippled him. His fear paralyzed him. He was helpless. The Bones who was his friend - was gone.
A raw, desperate cry formed deep inside Jim. It burrowed at first, its edges scraping his chest, the pain worse than the pieces cascading over him. Within seconds, Jim's cry erupted without warning as a powerful burst, nothing about it pleasant or merciful. Jim buried his face into the tops of his thighs to muffle his wail. His wet cheeks soaking his pants, his shoulders shook and his heart rendered in two, bleeding out. No. Not Bones. No. His wail intensified, marked by the grief of losing his friend. Jim tugged his hat down further, trying to sink down into the mattress as Bones' harsh voice approached at warp speed. No, not Bones. Please, he begged. Not Bones. No. No. Please...
Just as suddenly as he had heard his best friend's taunting voice, it disappeared. All was silent in the room, the lack of noise only broken by warbling echoes now too distant to hurt him and his own stuttered wailing coming to an end once he realized what just happened.
Jim dropped his trembling hands, momentarily shocked by the abrupt change. Hands fumbling, he clutched at his blankets in his inherent need to hold onto something. Anything. He had sensed something strong from Spock, something so strong it scared him but at the same time, it seemed to scare away the very things which frightened Jim - the millions of pieces that had once been Bones' words vanished, leaving only shadowy imprints Jim could not decipher.
Still shaken, Jim wrapped his hands around his knees again, gripping his legs until they screamed under the pressure of his fingers, sure to leave marks. Falling back onto what seem to have comforted him before, he rocked his body back and forth slowly as he waited for the distant memory of cruel words and turbulent emotions to pass completely. Jim blinked furiously in the darkness. Part of him still feared that Spock had missed the shattered pieces. The Vulcan had to find them. Spock had to find those words again before they inflicted more pain upon Jim's heart, more than he could possibly bear.
Spock did not fail him. The strong sensation from Spock continued, and as they grew, Jim's panic and insecurity ebbed, finally fading.
Breathing slowly through his nose, Jim unlocked his hands around his legs and scooted until he found a seat on the edge of the bed. Eyes wet and body quaking he breathed deeply, waiting for the moment to pass. His fear was gone and in place of it, a feeling he couldn't name but latched on to as if his life depended upon it.
Resolve, came the barest of whispers from Spock.
Jim rubbed his face. Did 'resolve' mean he could do this? He could face Bones? Jim sucked in a deep breath, contemplating his situation as he waited for his body to stop its quaking. Jim wasn't sure facing Bones well about this was possible, but he did have a small problem of his own to fix. He didn't know where Bones was, and Jim hoped he didn't check on him quite yet. Jim had to fix this...this other problem. He hadn't changed into something altogether comfortable but instead, had chosen his attire in the throes of rebellion.
First was a pair of old and worn sweatpants that he had slipped on that were too large for his frame. Perhaps they had fit the old him. Clearly, as they sagged down his hips, they were not a pair he should ever wear beyond his bedroom. Not even pulling the strings together made a difference. The thin, worn fabric made his legs cold now that he was out from under the covers. Then was the issue of the multi-colored shirt he thought he'd borrowed from Spock for some strange party Uhura threw - but never returned. The combination was bound to be atrocious, not that he cared. Actually, he did care. He had put on the outfit to make a point, but what point exactly, he did not, at the present time, recall.
Jim stood and adjusted the tiny speaker in his ear as the program told him just exactly where his piles of madness were to avoid tripping over them. Since he didn't recall what shirts he had put in those piles, he had even less of a chance picking out a flattering color combination now, not that it mattered to him. He wouldn't be able to see it. He wasn't captain. He...he was the worst friend to have done what he did.
Jim stood by those piles for a moment, weighted down by indecision and debating what he would do next. He could comb through the mess, but he was sure he would only become more frustrated when he couldn't find what he wanted - a black shirt. Black seemed good, it sounded good to him, and he had no idea where to find the shirt. He had no idea why he had put himself in this mess, risking Bones' wrath. Tears pricked his eyes as he stood like a fool. The indecision soured in his stomach. The other option would be to seek out his best friend and offer an apology.
Or, Jim held his breath as the idea came to him, he could comm Uhura. Uhura would help him. She would...
Jim rammed his hands into the pockets of his sagging sweatpants, shoulders hunched. He'd comm Uhura if he had a comm. He didn't, and the computer denied him access other than contacting sickbay or asking for the time. And he felt even more foolish having to go through Spock. The limited ability to acquire information hadn't bothered him before, and it still didn't. In fact, it made him feel warm and protected to be kept in a world that he could somewhat wrap his mind around. That was, until he had arrived here, in his very quarters. It had all changed again and Jim did not know how to deal with it. He exhaled through his nose, feeling like a failure of a friend, as a person in general, and his hands bunched into fists inside his pockets. Once again, he had no control over anything in his life. A tear slipped down his cheek, then another.
If he didn't know how to deal with this, even if miraculously he did regain his sight, how could he ever be a fucking captain again? It confirmed his decision to be himself and focus on the present, but...the truth was, he didn't know how to deal with anything, beginning with the very fact that he was blind. As soon as he had stepped into his quarters, he felt the condemning nature of his condition clear to the core of his soul.
"Jim?" A distinctly accented, feminine voice carried through his bedroom door. Jim blinked, his thoughts stalling. "Mr. Spock commed me, requesting I come help you now that you are awake. He just left, and Nyota will be here shortly."
Carol.
Spock had been here? Yet other than sensing his presence in Jim's mind, he'd left Jim alone.
Jim didn't know what to think of that.
"Jim? Are you alright?"
Jim hastily wiped his eyes and nose and checked the status of his hat. It was on his head, offering the confidence he needed to be polite to this woman he barely remembered, a crew member of the old him. He pulled the ties to his sweatpants as tightly as possible and pulled them up a little one last time. "Come...come in..." The words, spoken in a quiet voice that cracked once or twice, managed to open the door for the science officer.
"I wasn't sure what I would be helping you with," Carol said, hesitating as she no doubt took in the state of his floor as well as his wet cheeks and sloppy, mismatched attire, "but now that I do know, I think we'll first begin with...a cup of tea."
He wasn't in a position to say no and tea sounded good. Besides, she had the upperhand, especially as she posed the question, "Will you escort me to your table, Jim?"
He blinked, unsure he heard her correctly. What was she asking him to do? It sounded...foreign.
"Jim?"
"M...my table?" Spock? What does she mean, escort?
"Of course," Carol said sweetly.
"Yes." Jim cleared his throat, Spock answering him just in time. Feeling quite out of his element, although he had no idea how he knew that phrase or what exactly it meant, Jim took her lead. She tucked her hand around the crook of his arm. He bent his arm, her hand warm at his elbow. Jim's heart began to pound at this sudden strange task. Even so, Jim listened to his prompts and held his cane with his other hand. While they walked, Carol chattered, oddly putting him at ease with the lyrical quality of her voice.
Spock strode to the transporter room, his captain crowding his thoughts and taking precedent over the mission. For now, Jim was safe. Jim's mind was safe.
"Spock." McCoy nodded, already waiting on the platform.
Nyota's worry increasing, Spock sent affectionate thoughts in return to calm her. His own state of health was acceptable. Most of all, their captain was no longer plagued by false memories for the time being and Spock had made an important discovery.
Spock stepped up to the platform, brow raised as he acknowledged the doctor in return. He opened his mouth to speak but found he could not force out a single sound. Darkness encroached, and a panic for Jim swelled. Spock was the only one to prevent the Re'an barrier from taking over Jim's mind. He was the only one who could help Jim continue to function at this level without degrading.
The room shifted, McCoy's worried face growing unnaturally dark. As voices cried out and hands reached to assist him, Spock collapsed to the floor with a thud.
********** previously on Re'an V **********
"Where the hell have ya been?" McCoy hissed. Not waiting for an answer, McCoy grabbed Jim by the arm and yanked him from the corridor, leaving their security outside. He pulled him into the room the Re'an had provided for them near the banquet hall, wishing there was a door so he could slam it shut in his frustration. "Dammit, man! I've been looking everywhere for you!"
Jim leaned into the doctor, catching his breath. "I know, I know. I swear I didn't mean to worry you, but Princess Eoksa had a snake with her-"
"Dammit, Jim." McCoy's stomach clenched as he held him steady. "The Medusa lured ya."
As he nodded, Jim's eyes filled with something McCoy hadn't seen from him in a long time - unadulterated fear. "I couldn't help it. I went and almost stepped inside, but security found me before I made that mistake and thankfully had a well-played excuse to escort me away. Remind me when we return to the Enterprise to ask Uhura to give Giotto as many comm credits as he wants for the rest of the month. The year, even. I'm sorry, Bones. I-"
McCoy grasped his shoulders, looking at him straight in the eyes. "Jim, don't apologize. Alright? You know you couldn't stop the creatures' influence. I don't know how she separated us, but ya aren't leaving my side. We're joined at the hip. You got it?"
"I know." Jim sighed. "But...Bones, the damn creatures weren't in that room. They're gone, Bones. Gone."
"What do you mean the creatures were gone?" McCoy threw Jim a baffled look. "You don't really mean that, do you?"
Jim sighed again. "That doesn't help matters, Bones, saying that I'm crazy."
"I'm not saying you're crazy, I'm...suggesting that your facts could be messed up."
"You don't believe me," Jim's shoulders sagged. "I get it. But, help me out here, Bones. If I'm right and those animals were indeed gone and Princess Eoksa affirmed that it's been like that for months...then...maybe the situation isn't as bad as it appears - because I'm crazy. Or going crazy. Slowly."
"No, Jim, you're not-"
McCoy felt the full force of Jim's glare as he was stopped mid-sentence by his captain's adamant words. "Bones, I could be. You know how Tarsus messes with my brain, and on top of all of this."
"Yes, but-"
"I need to talk to Spock, but not about that yet," Jim added swiftly. "Maybe he can shed some light on this."
"Jim," McCoy grabbed him by the arm and pulled him closer, voice hushed. "You're not going to be able to explain this correctly without telling him the whole story. And, anyways, about Spock...and the other thing..."
Color drained from Jim's face. "He knows, doesn't he? How does he know? That's impossible. He couldn't have even dug through my records for that information. He can't know. Bones-"
"Will you calm down?" McCoy hissed. "Remember when you came to sickbay with the reaction? The bed next to yours was taken and the curtain was drawn around it."
Jim groaned and hit his head against the wall. "He heard everything we discussed, didn't he? Great. Just great. He's known this whole time. Why didn't you tell me?"
"It's not like there's been enough time to talk about it lately. Things have been crazier than usual, even before that day: the kidnapping, your abdominal injury, and then just days after that you were recovering from the allergic reaction, planning this..."
"Right," Jim grimaced. He hit his head against the wall a second time. "I guess it makes it easier for me and you knew that it would. But...I can't believe this. He's known and I haven't known and for days he's known and I haven't and he knew that I didn't know and-"
Jim's head met with the wall even harder the third time.
"Stop doing that, ya moron." McCoy scowled and pulled him away from the wall. He trusted Jim but this reaction clearly indicated that Eoksa and the snake had affected his focus and it was McCoy's duty to ensure that Jim had his head in the game completely - or he would return him to the Enterprise immediately. "You don't need a head injury on top of everything else going on. Pull yourself together, Jim. We have Soona to think about. It's going to be fine, Jim, trust me. He took it well-"
"The captain has a head injury?"
Both men whipped around at the commander's voice.
"No," McCoy said, recovering first. "He does not but...I was worried that he had."
"I see," Spock said, his eyes sweeping from McCoy then to Jim, clearly having heard more than Jim may have wanted him to once again. "Captain, the banquet begins in thirteen point one minutes, and our time before the intended extraction is drawing to a close. Could I have a word with you?"
"Yes, Spock." Jim cleared his throat and tugged at his uniform. "I imagine you are to ask me where I disappeared to? And why?"
"You are correct, captain."
Jim's eyes pierced the commander. "Then, let me make this as simple as possible. Spock, as you know I heard creatures in the Re'an's sacred room and I've felt their pull since day one. You know how they influence me but somehow during the rescue, I managed to avoid directing us through the room and into the garden through a back way in order to protect our crew. Today, Princess Eoksa showed me the sacred room for herself." Jim drew a deep breath. "Only...it was empty, Spock. And worse, the princess assured me it has been empty for months. This means that either I really am insane or they are lying to us about even more and we need to find out why."
Spock regarded him carefully before turning to McCoy. "Is the captain delusional, doctor?"
McCoy hesitated as Jim's shoulders dropped. "We were just debating that, Spock."
"There's a chance," Jim murmured, rubbing a hand over his face. "Bones, do you remember what I told you if I go crazy or can't take care of myself?"
"Sure I do." McCoy huffed a breath. "And do you remember what I told you? Of course I'll make decisions for you, but if you think I'm going to send you to the nearest Star Base and then see you admitted to a Starfleet hospital without me as your attending physician, you really are outta your goddamned mind."
Jim sighed. McCoy saw it in his eyes before he spoke - he was going to bring up Tarsus, as he must. "There's a chance, and you both know why."
"You speak of Tarsus IV, Captain."
"Yes." Jim held his breath, awaiting his friends' answers.
"Although I don't think it's affected you as much as you think it has, Jim, it is within the realm of possibility." McCoy hesitated. "But from what we know about the Re'an, this could also be another complete set up."
"That the allergic reaction and reminder of this tragic event in your life have triggered delusions is a possibility," Spock said simply. "But the probability that the Re'an are lying is sixty-two point three percent greater."
Jim looked at Spock, expression slack with disbelief. "You...you're say...saying that you believe me?"
"Indeed, captain. It appears that the doctor and I have exceeded our own odds and we both concur."
McCoy rolled his eyes. "See, pal? I told ya not to worry. We have your back."
Jim continued to stare at them both. "I...am relieved. And surprised, because...wow..."
A rare frown passed over Spock's face. "It is not safe for you to be here, Jim."
"I don't disagree with you there, Spock, but it's not safe for anyone of us. We must proceed as planned - quietly and as unassuming as possible. If we rush out of here, we risk provoking their suspicion. The remaining few archaeologists were beamed back to the Enterprise one hour ago, but we can't forgo the banquet. We don't know how they could retaliate being that they have hidden their advancements from the Federation, and we know by their actions they are not interested in negotiating. We must proceed now. Spock, as planned, as soon as the banquet is over, security and I will distract the guards. Soona knows to find you and she has the phaser we gave her as a precaution."
"Jim, if, indeed, they are lying, the likelihood they are purposefully attempting to disarm you by inducing confusion and panic is also quite high. It is also probable that Princess Eoksa planned this deceptive act to regain your trust. You must pay heed to this."
"We can't change our plans, Spock. Not over this, alright? I'll be fine. Besides, Bones will be with me," Jim's firm answer garnered McCoy's and Spock's respect. They understood his dilemma and subsequent decision. Between the three of them and the crew of the Enterprise, their mission would succeed. With McCoy and Spock both watching the captain's back and Jim's painstaking care planning Soona's extraction, what possibly could happen? "I'll alert Scotty before Lequa even notices that Soona is gone. Well, we don't have much time left to discuss this. If all goes as planned, Soona will have managed to gain an invitation for the banquet. Let's put on a show for these bastards - then get the hell out of here."
*********** end scene ***********
"Sit, please," Carol ordered in a quiet voice.
"I thought I was escorting you?" Jim asked, confused. His fingers wrapped around the back of the chair. Spock said something about pulling it out for her, but the woman remained standing.
"You already did." Carol's soft laughter trickled around him. "But I have things to do, starting with helping you find something to eat. You've slept an entire day, Jim."
"I have?" He widened his eyes. That explained why his stomach felt empty.
"There is a small sandwich in the fridge, courtesy of Mr. Scott, or we can comm Rand to bring you something from the mess hall if you prefer that, after it is approved by Dr. McCoy, of course. I shall get us some tea. But, first, here is a note left by your doctor."
Jim stiffened at his friend's name.
"Have no fear, Jim," she said gently, pressing a piece of paper into his hand. "I'm sure it's a good message."
He furrowed his brow, most confused at the paper, turning it in his hand and staring down as if he could see it. Didn't they use comms?
"The device to create those notes is on the table. It's quite simple to use, actually. I can show you later if you want."
Jim licked his lips, still hesitant. "So I am to read this?"
"Mmhmm," Carol hummed. "You are to read that before we do anything else."
Jim nodded and sunk into the chair. He didn't want to take up anymore of her time then necessary. He already made things worse. If he didn't obey them now...
Jim didn't want to think about that so he set the paper on the table and traced the bumps with his right hand. Jim noticed with surprise that the glove was off, perhaps removed by Bones while he had slept. It was good to feel his skin against the bumps. It was even better to hear the words in his head. It was private. It was...it was...just good. Maybe this was that sense of accomplishment Bones had mentioned yesterday before they got to his quarters. Taking a deep breath, he reread the message:
Jim-
First of all, I am not upset with you. Neither is Spock. I just can't be with you right now. I am needed on the away team today. I'll have you know that you pretty much rocked Spock's old shirt and your sweatpants showed how much eating you need to do. You're lucky you can chow down on what you want for awhile - starting with a sandwich from Mr. Scott.
Dr. Marcus and Uhura will be helping you for a few hours while Spock and I are away. Christine will visit soon to make sure your vitals are within reason. Please let them know what you need while we are gone. When you are ready, tell Carol or Uhura to contact us and we will come to your quarters. But only when you are ready. We need to talk.
Oh, and Buddy? I have no doubt that Dr. Marcus will offer to make you tea. The only thing that I ask you to do while we're gone is this: tell her your favorite kind. The box of my mama's tea is on the counter.
Bones
Jim blinked back tears. "He's not mad," he whispered, cupping the paper in the palm of his hands. "He's not upset with me."
He almost couldn't believe it and to squelch that disbelief, he read the raised bumps again. Bones wasn't angry. He called him Buddy. When Bones did that, it showed Jim that he cared. Maybe Jim could somehow get through this and through their talk later.
Carol lightly squeezed his shoulder. "Jim, I'm glad to hear it's good news."
"Carol?" It was a lot that Bones asked of Jim but since Bones wasn't mad at him...Jim felt compelled to obey the best that he possibly he could.
"Yes?"
"I have..a...a fav...favorite...tea..."
"You have a favorite," her voice sounded relieved. "I am glad you told me. There are twenty varieties on your replicator, Jim, and I wouldn't know even where to begin to choose for you. What is it?"
"Mint," he set the note on the table, wanting to smile that Bones remembered to leave out his favorite. But he couldn't. Instead, a sadness settled in his heart when he couldn't picture the McCoys' home. He wasn't sure he could ever tell Bones that. It would make his friend sad, maybe even sadder than Jim. "It's on the counter. You can try some if you like. It's...from Georgia. From Bones."
"Thank you, Jim." He heard her smile. "Mint tea for two it is."
As Spock's eyes fluttered open, McCoy glared at the Vulcan flat on his back in sickbay. Spock's gaze landed on McCoy all too innocently but he was not deterred. "What the hell was that?"
"I do not understand," Spock said. Seeing that Spock was determined to sit up, McCoy lent him a steadying hand.
"You marched right up here and fainted. Uhura commed me immediately. I told her you were fine. You're lucky that was all that happened to you. Your vitals are normal, but I already corrected what happened. Which was this - you collapsed for no medical reason that I can see and were out cold for ten minutes." McCoy pressed his mouth thin. "Tell me why. Now."
"Jim."
"What?" At the Vulcan's vague reply, McCoy's mind raced with a million scenarios. "Hold on, Spock. Your bond with Jim did this?"
"Negative." Spock stood to his feet.
"Is Jim hurt?" McCoy's voice rose.
"He is well, doctor. I provided a shield for him when words from your disagreement appeared from behind the barrier. They shattered, leaving only vague impressions. He will no longer remember them."
McCoy's mouth hung open. "The words are gone?"
"Indeed."
McCoy blinked. "The bad ones?"
"Indeed."
"All of them?"
"Seventeen to be exact."
"Seventeen. Only seventeen," McCoy chuckled ruefully. "And this process caused you to drop on the beaming platform, over seventeen goddamn words. That's not acceptable."
"I concur."
"Then why the hell did you do it?"
"They were sending causing him great harm." Spock hesitated. "I did not know how my actions would affect me, Dr. McCoy."
"Great harm?" McCoy's eyes darkened. "By all means, Spock, don't mince words. You mean, like...untreatable, irreversible harm, don't you?"
"Yes," he said softly. "I discovered that the memories of sickbay have been engineered by the Re'an to inflict great harm once they are free from the barrier. I suspect they realized how much damage this would inflict on the captain even before the meld. Your camaraderie with the captain does not go unnoticed."
McCoy turned his back to Spock and braced an arm against the wall. "This is my fault," he said quietly, "when it comes right down to it."
"No, doctor. That is not true."
"What about that safe place you created for him? Can't that work?"
"Redirecting Jim to find his haven of safe memories of us is insufficient for this task. I must do more. The harsh words will degrade Jim's mind each time he recalls them. I must shield him from them until they have dissolved.
"Jesus, Spock," McCoy turned back around and covered his face with a hand. "He can't, he can't fucking remember! We have to keep him in a goddamn bubble the rest of his life!"
"They come out at their own will. We cannot stop this."
"And why not?"
"I cannot predict which memories will escape. The manifestations of sickbay must be made known to Jim before I can locate them and thus shield him from their power. Which specific words will hurt him, doctor, I do not know. But they will hurt him deeply, I fear, more than I can possibly predict."
McCoy's stomach twisted at the thought of Jim experiencing even more heartache. Their captain had been through enough emotional hurt. "Hurt him? How?"
"They shattered into sharp pieces, and he experienced the pain as if they cascaded over his body. He felt them in his mind, but more than that, doctor, he felt the turmoil of losing you ten-fold and the truth continued to be blocked from his mind. He believed you to be the friend who abandoned him. However, he attempted to fight against your cruel words by remembering the comforts you have recently given him. While I was determining the appropriate way to shield him, he wailed most savagely and rocked himself back and forth on his bed. These words were some of the most damaging to Jim, but others remain hidden from him still."
The news punched McCoy in the stomach. "God, no. No. We don't...we can't do this. I...I have to go see him." McCoy turned to leave. He needed to make sure Jim was well, but more than that, McCoy himself needed to take comfort in seeing his friend. "We will discuss this later."
"No," Spock grasped the doctor's arm and, ignoring McCoy's heated glare, held it firmly. "As I told you before, Jim is well. He does not need us at this present time. He is sufficiently cared for by Dr. Marcus and Lieutenant Uhura. We must proceed as planned and continue our present mission. What he experienced cannot be delayed nor forced to a halt. It will be a natural result as the barrier breaks."
McCoy was not comforted, and neither did he agree with Spock. "No! We are going to help it, Spock! You cannot risk your well-being! Neither will I watch him be whittled down to nothing! I will not allow that to happen. There has to be a different way. His safe place...my presence...or..." McCoy drew a deep breath, exhaling as he offered a heart-wrenching idea. "...stopping the barrier from breaking. Ceasing any of your influence to bring our captain back to us."
"If I proceed with your last suggestion, he will never be the man he once was. Doctor, do you truly wish your captain to remain this shell of himself?"
"If it is the best thing for him, yes, I do. I don't see any option as worth the risk," McCoy said hoarsely. "Nothing is worth causing the sort of damage that Jim cannot recover from. Nothing."
"Please allow me to continue. I shielded Jim until the words disappeared. In the process, I recognized he was most receptive to suggestion. I returned to him an emotion that the Re'an took from him - resolve. He is now beginning to understand it, but we must allow him this time without us."
"So this is the sugar coating you should've given me earlier? This is what makes this all better?" McCoy asked sarcastically.
"He is learning, doctor," Spock said slowly, as if McCoy was the one not understanding Jim's situation. McCoy understood it just fine. It was far too precarious for any of this. "He is learning about himself. He is learning he is capable of making decisions. I believe that this will help protect him the next time the incident occurs."
McCoy shook his head. "And you think all this is okay? For you to risk your health for seventeen goddamn words and for him to feel pain that you cannot even being to predict? You may not be so lucky next time!'
"It will be painful," he said softly. "But he will not be alone."
"At the risk of your life!"
"I am uncertain if it will come to that. I do believe I will lose consciousness after each break unless I determine another way to shield him."
"And how would you do that exactly? If it's another meld, I don't believe this is the appropriate time."
"Indeed, I would perform a proper mind meld, with caution. We cannot trigger the barrier nor can I determine another way to protect Jim unless I test my hypothesis."
"Goddammit, Spock," McCoy hissed. "There's no way in hell we are going to practice anything! We don't push this. If this happens again, do not put yourself in the line of fire, Commander. Comm me and I will heavily sedate him. He can't handle your testing yet and you know it. He barely handled a fucking tour of his quarters. We need to prepare him to speak with Admiral Archer tomorrow. We've delayed it as long as possible, and that alone will be difficult enough for him. It's only because I sense his need for...for space..that I'm even here and not with him in his quarters now. He needs a little independence, some time away from us as he acclimates himself to his new surroundings, but he doesn't need his mind irrevocably ruined."
"It is imperative that we keep an open mind, Dr. McCoy. This situation is unavoidable. It will happen again."
"As CMO and Jim's attending physician, I'll keep an open mind when I fucking want to keep an open mind." McCoy's eyes flashed. "The answer is hell no."
"Very well. If you reconsider your decision, please inform me directly," Spock said in a low voice. "We will proceed with Jim as you so desire, Dr. McCoy. We have delayed the away team long enough. Meet me in the transporter room in ten minutes."
Author's Note #2: I know. What a rotten way to end this angsty chapter - a heated conversation and another complication. But take heart. Spock and McCoy are not finished with that conversation by a long shot. McCoy's worry and concern spilled over in that scene big time...and things may have to get worse before they get better. I believe the good doctor will need some time to cool down before seeing Jim.
I apologize for the lack of interaction between the big three. I know that probably added to the angst factor. :( That scene will be in the next chapter. I didn't want this chapter to become monstrous like the last one. Also, I strongly believe that Jim needed time like this to grow.