If I owned DGM, there would be more video games and for different devices other than DS and PlayStation.

Bruise

Chapter 10: Never

Confusedly, I open my eyes to find Kanda's back to me, and he had his forehead resting against the wall. I was pretty much stranded on the vanity since I couldn't walk yet, so instead, I call quietly, "Kanda?"

After a moment of waiting for his answer, I ask, "What are you doing?"

"Staying away from you, moron," he growled, and I shrink back at the harshness in his voice. If I could just figure him out, maybe we wouldn't have moments like these where we go from nearly kissing to Kanda yelling in frustration. Granted, we shouldn't be nearly kissing to begin with, but still.

"Why do you want to stay away from me?"

"Why do you want to be close to me?"

Glancing down at my hands fumbling with a loose string on my underwear, I mutter, "I already told you."

"Mind repeating it?"

Biting my lip, I push myself off the vanity, barely preventing myself from crumpling due to the pain in my rear, but I manage to slowly get to my bed, lying on the blood-stained sheets. Though my panting, I say, "In Rhone, I told you that I felt safe with you. Now tell me why you don't want to be with me."

Silence fills the room as Kanda walks toward the door of my room, grasping the knob before he says bluntly, "Because you disgust me. I've never liked being around you."

My heart stopped momentarily, my vision blurring, and I tell myself not to bawl to no avail, tears dripping off my chin. Gritting my teeth, I cry, "Then why did you help me?!"

"I don't want to be bothered by a pathetic moyashi later. Figured I should get it over with," he deadpanned, not turning around. Wiping away the tears pouring from my eyes, I ask quietly, "What happened to me being more beautiful than an angel? What happened to hating it when I'm in pain?"

He opens the door, and before he walks out, he says, "Anything to get you to stop bawling like a two-year-old."

With that, Kanda shut the door rather violently, and I painfully crawl under the blankets, hiding under the veils with my face in the mattress. I didn't really care that the covers made it hard for me to breathe, because all I could think of was my failure. What did I have to do?

What did I have to do to be perfect for Kanda?

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

"Allen? Are you okay?" Lavi asks as he shuts the door. "Did I really hurt you that badly?"

Shaking my head, I try to conceal the gauze and stitches with my blanket, but the redhead still sees them, gasping at the damage he had done to my body. Sitting beside me, he pressed a soft kiss to my bruised cheek and whispers, "I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to get drunk last night."

"I know. It's okay, Lavi," I say. It was okay because he loves me.

"How did you get bandaged? And stitched?" he asked, and I lie down, my head in his lap. After a moment, I answer, "Kanda came by earlier and helped, but…"

"What?"

"Well, I don't want you to get mad at him…."

Stroking my hair, Lavi sweetly says, "Allen, if he did anything, I want to know about it."

Remaining silent for a moment, I ponder this. What Kanda said shouldn't affect me like this. It shouldn't depress me.

And yet, I can't forget his words, stabbing me like knives each labeled as a different curse.

I've never liked being around you.

The sentence wouldn't have surprised me a few months ago, but I can't help but repeat it in my head. It's what I've been doing the past five hours, and I haven't left my bed at all, not even to quell the beastly groans escaping my stomach.

I've never liked….

Never….

"He told me that I disgusted him, and that he thought that I was ugly," I murmur, more tears falling from my eyes, and I feel Lavi's lips pressed against my temple.

"Don't worry about it, Allen. He just wanted to make you upset," he soothed.

Of course, that was what I had been trying to convince myself of for those five hours, and the next three after Lavi left. But I couldn't, and I did the only thing I knew to do.

The days of not eating were starting to catch up to me, my ribs slowly becoming visible, and as I open my mouth again, I think to myself, You want to look perfect, right? You want to be a better exorcist, right?

I repeat these words in my mind while I gag myself, pushing my fingers farther down my throat than I thought was possible, and I feel tears leak from my eyes. Originally, purging had been easy, my gag reflex kicking in almost immediately, but as time went on, it became harder. In turn, I had to force my fingers in deeper, and at this point, it was actually painful, but I don't care about that as I finally vomit what little was in my stomach into the toilet before flushing it.

As always, I brush my teeth until I could no longer taste the bilious flavor, and I silently take my razor from the corner of the room. It's a pain to wash it, and I mentally curse Kanda for getting it dirty, though I had so many more things to go off about when it comes to him.

I hope he's proud that he's causing me this much pain, so much suffering. To be honest, I felt almost at ease when he was taking care of me, gently cleaning my wounds while I had lain so utterly defenseless and naked in the bathtub with tears streaming down my face, and I couldn't deny the flames that were set ablaze when he touched me. No one has seen me so helpless, and for a while, I didn't mind revealing that part of myself to him, but every bit of my trust was shattered as he said what he did.

The blade had just barely nicked my skin when a knocking reverberated around my room and bathroom, and I was about to grumble for that person to go away, but a deep, impudent voice stopped me:

"Open up, Moyashi!"

Cursing quite colorfully, I growl, "Go away, BaKanda! Just leave me alone!"

Of course of all times to forget to lock the door, I chose now, and I heard it open, followed by Kanda saying, "Can't do that. Your boyfriend chewed on me for an hour, so now I―"

I don't bother trying to hide my razor or cover the tiny cut on my arm, slowly trickling blood, and he stares at me for a moment, looking to be on the edge of having a conniption and running to my aid. Rolling my eyes, I ask, "If I put the razor behind my back, would you leave me alone?"

"No," he said bluntly, leaning down to try to steal the shaving device away, but I move it out of his reach each time he tried to get it. After a minute of this, I sigh and hand over the razor grudgingly, glaring at the man that was becoming a bigger problem by the nanosecond, and he once again slides it somewhere near the tub, looking down at me with cobalt pools filled with concern. Please, it's fake concern, but I give him credit. It looked real.

"How many times are you going to ruin my day?" I ask exasperatedly, standing while biting my abused bottom lip to contain my pained cries, and I try to walk as normally as possible to my bed, plopping down tiredly on my bed and closing my heavy eyes. My jaw was still sore and it hurt to talk, but I still mutter, "Seriously, can you please leave?"

Again, Kanda deadpans, "No. Tell me why you were going to cut."

"And why would I do that, moron? It's a waste of breath since you should know already," I reply without really replying. The bed sank down slightly near my hip, and the owner of the body sitting next to mine says, "Why would I know?"

"It's your fault, idiot!" I accuse, my voice dripping enmity, and I feel a warm hand touch my shoulder. Jerking away, I flash open my steel eyes and growl, "Don't touch me, or I'll punch you. I mean it."

Giving me my space, Kanda asks, "I upset you that much?"

Sitting up painfully, I stare into his dark pools, eye levels equal, and in one swift movement, the back of my hand strikes his cheek hard. The closest to a reaction I get is his head sharply turns from the blow, and I say harshly, "Jerk, I trusted you! You really think that cutters are emotionally stable? Do you think that I let everyone see me like that?!"

The bluenette doesn't say anything, his head down, and I continue, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did my disgusting hand touch you?"

"Don't act like you're angry," he said quietly. More rage surfaces as I yell, "Do I really need to convince you that I'm furious?!"

Turning to me, he pushes me down on the bed, pinning my body as he looms over me, and I struggle, trying to break free, but I only cause myself pain, squeaking the whole time. Glaring at him after giving up, I demand, "Let me go."

"You hide behind anger when you feel threatened. You think I don't know that?" Kanda asked, ignoring my heated gaze.

"No, I don't. You don't know anything about me!" I spat, turning my head away from his calm gaze. "I hate you."

Gripping my chin with his free hand, he brings my eyes back to meet his, and says, "No, you don't. Just admit that I hurt you without screaming at me."

How can he decipher all my twists and turns? I made sure that my walls around my emotions were sturdy, not a crack left for people to worm in through, and yet, Kanda knows how I act. How to deal with me when I'm like this. He knows that I'm on edge when I'm in such a vulnerable position, and he knows exactly which points to hit to make me breakdown. I feel like a cat on its back, because I really am in that position, powerless and rendered useless. The difference? A cat would be able to defend itself with claws and teeth, but all I have is my words. True, I could invoke Crown Clown if I really needed to, and at the moment, I was actually considering it, but that wasn't the way to deal with this.

The tenseness in my body eased slowly as tears welled in my eyes, and I quietly whimpered, "You hurt me."

"And I'm sorry," he apologized, finally letting me go, and I immediately pull him down beside me. The body beside me went stiff momentarily as I nuzzle into his chest, clasping his shirt, and I choke out through my crying, "You really…really hurt me, Kanda."

Hesitantly, Kanda wrapped his arms around my trembling form, and after a moment, he said, "This may be really insensitive, but I think you look gorgeous when you cry."

Glancing up at him, I give him an odd look, not sure to be offended or not, but before I can ask, he continues, "And I mean that as a compliment. I meant what I said when I was taking care of you. You make angels look ugly."

A smile graces my lips and he gently brushes away my tears, "Even more so when you smile like that."

"So you didn't mean what you said earlier?" I murmur, snuggling back into his chest, and he soothingly rubs circles into my hip, mindful of my wounds.

"Not a word of it."

"Then why did you say it? You knew that it was upsetting me, so why did you keep saying…awful things?" I ask quietly, slowly beginning to calm down in his strong embrace. Sighing, Kanda asks, "You're not going to leave it at I was being a jerk, are you?"

I shake my head, and he finally says, "I'm very…protective…of you, and it aggravated me that you didn't trust me enough to tell me who hurt you."

Protective? Did he really mean that? Well, he did seem to contemplate his wording, but still. Kanda wasn't one to be protective of anything other than himself and Mugen.

"What you pulled didn't help with my trust any, you know. You're at block one again with everyone else," I mutter.

"Again and everyone else, huh? So you admit that you trusted me more than anyone else?"

Nodding, I say, "I did. I trusted you more than anyone else since…."

Mana, I silently continue, but I wasn't strong enough to admit that aloud yet. Kanda doesn't push for an answer, but instead moves to a topic that I'd rather avoid, "I want you to stop cutting."

"Good luck with that," I mutter. "You can't stop me if I still want to, and I do."

"Why?"

I don't directly respond, but I begin quietly singing to a song I listen to more than often, "Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

True enough, but I feel numb anyways. That feeling brings me pleasure.

"Then how about this, Moyashi," he begins.

"It's Allen, BaKanda!" I grumble out of habit. Smirking, he says, "My point exactly. I'll check every day, and if you don't cut at all for one week, I won't call you Moyashi for an entire day."

"No, you'll call me Allen! Trickster, I know that you could call me several different things!" I counter, my voice slightly muffled by his exorcist uniform.

"Fine," he says. Shaking my head, I protest, "I never agreed to do that."

Tightening his arms around me, Kanda continues, "Then I'll follow you around all the time to make sure you don't."

"Stalker!"

"I don't care."

Sighing, I mutter after his coercion, "Okay, but I'm not making promises. If I need to cut, I'll cut."

The bluenette asks, "What's so great about it? Why would you want to hurt yourself?"

Personally, I never thought I'd ever be asked that question, so I simply say, "You wouldn't understand."

"Tell me anyways," he insisted, softly tracing my left arm even though I'd never pressed a razor to it. That's when I blush furiously, remembering that I'm only in my underwear, and I silently pull away from Kanda, sitting at the end of the bed with the comforter over my body that was curled into the fetal position. Through the day, the pain was slowly easing. Slowly.

Staring down at my scarred ankles, I say, "It's different for people who cut. I mean, it's like the difference between people who are gay and who aren't. I guess you can call me weak, pathetic, useless, and those terms would all be correct, but it just makes a cutter want to push the blade deeper.

"When I cut, I feel numb. It's a way to escape my emotionally unstable life, and makes everything seem okay, even if just for a second. I think that if I didn't cut to take out that suffering, I'd have killed myself a while ago, and it still…it still crosses my mind sometimes."

I didn't notice the tears slipping down my cheeks until Kanda had moved closer to me, wiping them away, and he gently guides my face up to look him in the eyes. Concern was flickering deep within the bottomless cobalt pools, and he said, "Listen to me. You are not pathetic or any of the other things you said. You're one of the strongest exorcists here, stronger than me or Lavi, and you are anything but weak. You're irrational, immature, stubborn, idiotic―"

"I get the point."

"But you aren't weak," Kanda finishes. I look down, trying to get away from his piercing gaze, because I feel naked under it. Granted, I was nearly in my birthday suit at the moment, but that's beside the point, and the samurai seems to understand this, pulling the comforter tighter around me and adding quietly, "You aren't weak, Allen."

My heart lightens when I hear him speak my name, and I totally forget about the comforter, launching myself into his arms like a toddler hugging his mother after she went on a business trip for a month. The bluenette is taken off guard for a moment, falling backwards onto the bed with me as moss clinging to him, but he doesn't seem to mind as he holds me. Almost inaudibly, I whisper, "Thank you, Kanda."

He says something I can't make out, but I could get a hold on 'call' and 'given'. Glancing up at him, I ask, "What? I didn't hear you."

The hesitation is very clear in his body language, his eyes looking away from mine as he repeats, "When we're alone, I want you to call me by my given name."

Shocked was an understatement as I stared at him in astonishment. My reaction seemed to unnerve him slightly, but I quickly regain my senses, smiling happily, "Okay, Yu."

Author Note: Aggravation. This story is becoming boring. Next chapter will be set a week later, and please, Please, PLEASE R/R! Pain-Three Days Grace.