Author's Note: Obviously, this chapter is a big one, and I didn't have the heart to break it up into two. :) Just a warning: it contains stronger language in a few places.
Forgive me for not replying to reviews - this chapter took a lot of focus to write this week and I was so focused with the chapter and other things that I couldn't get those replies made! Please know those comments are greatly appreciated. I love hearing what you think! Many thanks to Rubyhair for her beta reading. Remaining errors are mine. :)
Jim thought he knew how it felt to have one's world fall apart. He thought he'd experienced that a few times already. In fact, he knew he had - he'd died once, horribly, and he recently lost those with whom he identified himself, an entire species, in fact. The emotional pain from those events was something he never wished to revisit, yet here he was. He didn't want to listen as they justified their decisions. And as ironic as it was, the truth was very clear to him. His life had been a complete and utter lie for weeks, with his two closest friends at the very center of that deception.
"How much, Bones?" Jim's thoughts began to float away before he could snatch them back. He rushed out his question before the drug, which his friend so timely gave him when he heard Dr. Jahnas' voice, overcame him.
How could he ever trust Bones after this?
And worse, yet, how could he trust...Spock?
"Let's not get into that right now, but tomorrow?" McCoy said softly, "We can start making sense of things with you, then, Jim."
"A little? Everything?" He blinked widely up at the ceiling, his body sinking deeper and deeper into the bed. He wanted to lash out at Bones for doing this to him, but he knew his deeply medicated state would help Spock, so he bit his tongue to remind himself not to get mad at Bones for this one thing.
It must have been a bad idea, for he began to cry more.
"Oh, shit..." McCoy grabbed something beside him and wiped his mouth. "Buddy, why'd you...it's okay...okay...Jim, this med...it'll take care of that, too. Just...hang in there."
"Can't trust you," Jim mumbled, tongue thick and feeling the tears course down his cheeks, each a painful reminder of what his life had become - a series of lies. "But want, too."
Why he'd added that part, Jim had no idea. His heart was breaking. He'd been lied to by the one person who had mattered the most to him for so long in his life. And then he'd been lied to once again, this time by the very one who always spoke the truth, who proclaimed he could not tell a lie. All Jim wanted to do know was to construct walls. Miles and miles of thick, insurmountable walls. Why would he even want to give Bones - or Spock - a reason to wade through Jim's bullshit and climb up next to him and hold him like he was breaking.
But it was exactly what the doctor did.
Jim clutched Bones' arm, which wrapped around him like those cozies clung to Mrs. McCoy's teapots. The last thing he wanted was to be so close to his best friend - or be reminded of the many things Bones did right, like make him his favorite tea. But there it was, an image of those pots on a counter in a place he still couldn't recall. He almost mentioned that to Bones, just in spite, but his tongue felt numb and, once again, his head even thicker than it did a few seconds ago. Instead, he pulled at the doctor's arm. He tried to loosen the hold Bones but he couldn't get his fingers to cooperate. The doctor refused to budge, and Jim realized the drug Bones had given him had truly begun its work.
"Bo-oones," Jim whimpered. "Go."
"No, Jim," Bones said warmly in his ear. "If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to show you that your friends care about you and we will not let this get in the way. We stick together, pal, and Spock...do you see him standing here beside you? He's without shoes and only wearing the loose shirt and pants we make you wear when you're in sickbay. He brought himself out of his trance just to get to you, his state of dress be damned."
"Hurts," Jim whispered. "Bones. 'hurts."
"I know, Jim. I know," Bones said. "And it's going to hurt for a just a little bit longer...and then Jim? I can promise you that it won't."
Jim felt his body folding within itself, being tossed on the waves and landing straight in the arms of his betrayer. Although he could not see him clearly, Jim knew the other one stared at him somberly, and Jim could not look away from the tall, murky shadow.
"Why?" He whispered to Spock. Of his two untrustworthy friends the Vulcan was the least deceitful, and so he queried him.
"We could not call ourselves your friends, Jim, had we had allowed the Re'an to take away the treasure we both cherished most," Spock answered.
Jim blinked his eyes, full of sleep and new knowledge he couldn't comprehend. He didn't understand how warmth could creep into his muscles, finding its way deep into his body to assuage the hurt in his heart, but it did. Now content, Jim allowed his head to drop further onto Bones' arm, where he could remain, safe and comforted. In this limp and malleable state, his body no longer listened to the vague commands coming from his brain. He had questions he couldn't seem to properly form with his tongue, and they had answers they seemed to want to give him but couldn't because he was drugged.
It wasn't fair. Jim didn't know what he'd have to do to get those answers, but they tantalized him and he decided he'd almost do anything to get them.
"In due time, Jim," Spock said gently.
Jim closed his eyes. Of course they would have to wait, but Jim wanted to know more now. Even if it meant he'd forget in a few minutes. His mind dipped and rolled, tossing him effortlessly away from that thought and onto another.
"Spock? Maybe we can..." McCoy's voice drifted over and above Jim, its southern drawl evoking even more memories. Jim forgot that he was trying to catch every word his friends were saying and, instead, wondered, with a morbid sense of curiosity, if at least one of the mistakes he'd made on Re'an V was also a lie. If there was at least one thing that had gone wrong in his reality that really hadn't gone wrong because of his decisions...if there was at least one Jim thought he could work through this for his friends.
"Yes," a firm voice said, bringing him back to reality.
Jim blinked several times, finding himself now on his back and no idea how he got there. He knew drugging did this to him, pulled tricks, and it wasn't nice. With what he thought to be very nice words, considering the situation, he told Bones exactly what he thought.
"God, Jim, I know." Bones' voice cracked. "I know, but I promise we'll get you through this."
Jim still didn't think this was nice, but the familiar hand brushing his forehead was nice. Even nicer were the murmurings that it would be fine for him to try to sleep. The comforting drawl continued in his ear, saying that he wasn't going to leave Jim. All Jim could do was nod.
For he didn't want the doctor or his first officer to leave.
"Yes," Spock repeated. "In fact, there are many. For one, concerned for her safety, you did not permit Dr. Jahnas to return to the planet after the first day. For another, as soon as you realized that a connection existed between you and the Re'an creatures, you informed both your physician and first officer. You did not delay, Jim. You never resorted to secrets or lies. You remained the captain we knew you to be - honorable and intuitive, undaunted and courageous."
The words buzzed pleasantly in his mind. Long after Spock finished, Jim kept them as alive as long as he possibly could. He recalled most of them for more than a minute, but after a full quiet moment passed by, all Jim knew was that he had saved a life and he hadn't lied.
He'd saved a life and he hadn't lied.
That was even better than one thing. That was two things.
"Bones?" He murmured, his eyes darting from the ceiling to one of the grayish forms by the bed. Which one was a Bones? He looked at each one again, confused. He needed a Bones. It was important for him to know, for he had something very important to tell his friend. It could not wait.
"Yeah, Jim. Look to your left, buddy."
Bones' thick voice worried Jim, and he asked Bones about it.
"I'm fine. I'm...you know what, pal?"
Jim said he did know. He said he knew Bones was his friend and would never hurt him.
"Do no harm," Jim stated proudly of his friend.
He knew Bones wouldn't lie. He'd protect. Just like Spock would. He tried saying all of that but decided it all came out slurred, for Jim himself didn't even know what he'd said and halfway through the sentence stopped speaking altogether. It wouldn't do to confuse them, too. He was confused enough for the three of them. He just hoped Bones and Spock somehow understood and saw the one tear he let roll down his cheek - it was a tear of happiness, if there were such things. If there weren't such things, he was making it a fucking thing. A tear of happiness. If anyone deserved one of those, it was his two best friends. A tear of fucking happiness.
"I do, Jim. I see it and Spock sees it - and things are going to be okay. I just know they are."
Then all he wanted was to sleep, as the doctor was finally allowing him to do so, and just when he was about to drift away, a familiar voice broke the silence.
"Uhura to McCoy."
"Yes, Uhura." Seeing that Jim was almost asleep, McCoy replied as quietly as possible.
"It's Admiral Archer, doctor. He would like to speak with you as soon as possible."
"I can't take the comm at the moment, Uhura." McCoy said. An ion storm couldn't pull him away from Jim's side, not when he'd promised the younger man that he'd stay until he fell asleep.
"He informed me it is of utmost importance. It cannot wait."
"As CMO of this ship, it will have to." McCoy said firmly. "McCoy-"
"Doctor," Uhura pressed. "It concerns the captain. He explained that he found..."
McCoy glanced up at Spock when Uhura didn't finish. "What? He found what?"
Spock arched a brow, his stoicism otherwise belying the curiosity McCoy imagined coursed through the Vulcan's mind.
"All he said was that he will tell you once I patch him through," Uhura said.
"If he doesn't mind the commander and Jim listening, go ahead." McCoy sighed. Jim had almost been asleep before the interruption and now he saw a bit of blue. Obviously still awake, even drugged Jim was sure to stubbornly hang on to consciousness just to listen to Archer.
"I will let him know. Uhura out."
"This is most unusual," Spock stated.
Jim looked blearily at the ceiling. "Archer?" he said.
"Yes, Jim, it's Archer but I promised you that I wouldn't leave you before you fell asleep, and I'm not going to break my promise."
"Do no harm," Jim mumbled.
"You've latched on to that, haven't you, buddy." McCoy brushed his hand over Jim's forehead before adjusting the IV medication he decided to give Jim as well. "And it seems to have helped you. I'm glad."
"Uhura to McCoy."
"Yes, Lieutenant," McCoy frowned, now believing whatever Archer wanted to say could not wait.
"I'll patch him through now."
"Go ahead."
"Commander, I am gratified knowing you are well. As I realize you don't have much time, Dr. McCoy and Commander Spock, I'll get straight to the point. How is Kirk?"
"Stable, sir," McCoy said.
"Glad to hear that, McCoy, although I know its less than desirable. On that note, gentlemen, I have news. We have a confirmed match for Soona's family. I have personally spoken to her grandmother and with both of her parents."
"Soona?" Jim's gaze flickered towards McCoy. The focus lasted only a second. Jim gave a deep sigh, his eyes closing as he mumbled her name a second time.
"Was that Kirk?" Archer's concern bled through the comm. "He's doesn't sound like the Kirk I spoke to recently."
Reminding himself that Archer had not spoken with Jim at his worst or even semi-worst, McCoy tamped down any biting remarks. "No," McCoy said, almost gritting his teeth. "He isn't, Admiral, but it's what we have to do and he understands."
"I am deeply sorry," Archer said quietly. "I know this is tough. May I suggest to you what Soona's grandmother suggested - that somehow, you allow Kirk to tell Soona this news. It seems only fitting."
McCoy drew a deep breath. "Sir, I can't guarantee that will happen, but we'll try. I'm glad to hear you found her family, sir. She will need all the support she can get as she transitions to Terran life."
"And they, especially her grandmother, will be there to offer support. Commander, I would like the Enterprise to lay a course for the nearest Starbase. Her family is anxious to be reunited with her. I am sending you information to share with Soona, which you will use to prepare her with prior knowledge of her family before they meet."
"Very well. We shall do so immediately, Admiral," Spock assured.
"Good. I have one other matter of business," Archer said, pausing. "Soona is half Betazoid."
"Even without the forced physical changes, I find that hard to believe," McCoy frowned.
"It's true, McCoy. You will see in the documents that her maternal grandparents are of Betazoid ancestry."
Spock arched a brow. "Admiral, you are suggesting the Re'an concealed or even manipulated her heritage until it was either completely suppressed or forced from existence."
"Indeed, I am."
"I suppose that is a possibility, after we've seen firsthand what the Re'ans were capable of," McCoy said, frowning.
"Her grandmother's empathic and telepathic powers are quite strong, as proven when she aided two Re'an beings more than two decades ago." Archer stopped, and the words hung between them in the silence.
"What are you suggesting, Admiral?" Spock asked slowly.
"I am not suggesting anything. I have facts, Commander. Soona's grandmother believes she can be of help to Kirk." Archer laughed. "I know it seems almost too good to be true, but isn't it just like Kirk to save the very woman whose grandmother can, in turn, save him. She used her powers to heal the injuries inflicted upon two Re'an beings following a meld. In return, she was given secrets of Re'an telepathy, and those will be of help to her when she meets Kirk in three days."
"Three days?" McCoy repeated. Archer's happiness contagious, he gave a short laugh. "You...you just said...three days..."
"Unless you can get yourselves to the nearest Starbase in two, yes. Three days."
"Admiral," Spock said swiftly. "Two days will be sufficient."
"I thought you'd say that," Archer chuckled. "Keep Kirk well for the next forty-eight hours, and I promise you, Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock, your captain - and friend - return to you. We can discuss this more at a later time today. Archer, out."
The comm ended.
"This is most unexpected but rather acceptable news, indeed." Spock nodded to McCoy.
"That may be the understatement of the year, Spock," McCoy said, fighting a state of numbness.
"I did not mean for it to sound trivial," Spock wore an almost imperceptible frown.
"I was joking," McCoy said. "And - "
He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed a set of tired, brilliant blue eyes gazing at him.
"Bones?" Jim muttered. "I'm...I'm going to...better?"
"Yeah, Jim," McCoy's eyes stung from a rise of unprecedented emotion. "You're damn right you're going to get better."
Jim sighed, mumbling. "The captain's 'turning soon?"
"No, Jim," McCoy said, choking down an unexpected sob.
"'fused." Jim's brow wrinkled.
"Our captain is already here." McCoy wiped his eyes, forcing himself to maintain his composure for a little while longer. For Jim. Just a little longer.
"As is our friend," Spock said quietly.
"He's just been...misplaced," McCoy managed. "And you, Jim, are going to be whomever it is you're supposed to be after Soona's grandmother helps you. We only want what's best for you."
Jim eyes fluttered shut. "S'possed to be cap'n. Make sure."
"If that's who you want to be, Jim," McCoy fondly murmured, "I think that's exactly who you will be."
Jim fell asleep before McCoy finished speaking. Spock sank into a chair beside Jim, no longer wearing his usual, unflappable expression. Spock commed the bridge with the new orders and then fell silent as he stared at the rise and fall of the captain's chest. McCoy wasn't the only one wearing his heart on his sleeve. The commander did, as well. McCoy didn't have to look far. One glance at Spock, and he saw the same potent relief and anticipation that he was experiencing. When the emotions that he'd bottled up all these weeks came to a head, the commander bowed his head in respect and allowed McCoy a moment to himself.
Jim would be healed, whether it be a minute or significant change. Either way, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that an answer had come in the nick of time, and with a little more luck, Jim would not be forced into a life of medication and uncertainty away from his beloved crew and ship.
As the weight lifted from his shoulders, McCoy sank into a chair and laid his head on the chest of his best friend. He wanted to weep, and so, with his hands curled around his sleeping captain, he did.
The turbulent evening behind them and a new day having dawned, Spock sat in McCoy's office before his shift began. They finished discussing the captain's progress, as had become customary all these weeks, and then they spoke of his upcoming meeting with Soona's grandmother. Spock was unsurprised when McCoy followed their discussion with a more thorough explanation of an ongoing study that could possibly cure Jim's blindness.
"Is the surgery invasive?" Spock queried, pleased that McCoy had continued his search for answers to Jim's condition.
"Not necessarily," McCoy explained quickly. "The procedure will encourage regeneration of the optical nerve. The implant will also allow the electrical impulses slide past the nerve with greater ease, and a nanotechnologic device will send neuroprotective substances to the nerve to prevent apoptosis. We want to promote cell growth, not give the eyes any reason to atrophy. He'd receive an implant near his lash line that would practically be invisible. I've already played around with facial scans - it wouldn't drastically alter his appearance. Hell, if anything, it'll enhance Jim's eyelashes, as if he needs anything else to pretty him up."
"Jim will consider this procedure, doctor, and he will agree." Spock did not glance up from the PADD as he spoke to Dr. McCoy. "The one percent success rate shall not deter him, and as Acting Captain I am aware that we may delay our next mission at your discretion if you deem this a medical emergency."
"He'll consider it if the memory shatters are dealt with - and gone," McCoy replied, sorting through a pile of his own PADDS on his desk. "Otherwise, I'm not even mentioning it to him, Spock."
Spock would not accept anything less than Jim's mind being healed from his precarious episodes. "It would be prudent to contact -"
"Wait," McCoy said. "You're going to suggest that he meet us at the Starbase, aren't you?"
Spock noted the surgeon's contact information. "I was not aware that you acquired telepathic abilities since our last conversation, doctor."
"Smart ass," McCoy muttered.
"The captain's needs are the foremost priority of both his first officer," Spock paused, now glancing up at the doctor. "And his attending physician."
"I contacted him this morning." McCoy's lips twitched to an almost imperceptible smug smile. "About sixty-two minutes ago, to be exact."
"That was a wise decision," Spock concurred.
"He'll be there with three of his staff about two days after we arrive." McCoy said, then scowled. "I had to twist his arm a bit, playing up how wonderful it would be for his career if he healed Starfleet's flagship captain of his blindness. Even then, it wasn't easy. He had to rearrange his entire schedule for the next month."
McCoy stopped and picked up his coffee. He sipped slowly, eyes guarded, and as Spock considered the doctor's words, he deduced that more than a 'twist to the surgeon's arm' was necessary.
"Yes. See, I know what you're thinkin' again," McCoy grumbled. "I took a gamble in more ways than one."
"If the captain's mental state is not resolved and these services are not required, will the surgeon be sufficiently compensated?" Spock asked.
"I have a mountain of credits that I've saved over the years," McCoy shrugged. "For a rainy day. And this...this is more like a storm so I figured I could put them to good use."
"I, too, set aside credits for a rainy day," Spock said, lifting himself out of his chair.
McCoy leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms. They stared at each other, words unspoken but heard just the same. Then, Spock inclined his head and made his way to the bridge.
For while it was a rainy day, indeed, the clouds would soon break.
Jim sucked in a breath, his chest rising as he heard the words good morning in a distinct Southern drawl.
"How's that head of yours, Jim?" Bones called from somewhere in the room.
Jim exhaled a rush of air. He blinked open his eyes, astonished that he had some clarity of thought and said the first thing on his mind. "I'm hungry."
"I figured you would be since it's almost noon, and I already brought you breakfast because it's more of the comfort food you like."
"Breakfast," Jim murmured. Something moved, and he squeezed his eyes shut when a wave of dizziness hit him.
"Sorry about that," Bones said quietly, his voice now near. "Gotta get you reclined so you can eat."
"Drugged," Jim frowned at him, keeping his eyes shut.
Bones sighed. "Yeah, ya still are, though just not as much. Hate me?"
Jim recoiled. That thought cut deep, and his eyes smarted. He wiped the wetness away and hoped Bones hadn't noticed.
"Jim, I was joking," Bones said gently. "And I'm sorry it didn't seem like it."
"Oh," Jim said in a small voice. "Sounded like..."
"It sounded like I really believed you could really hate me?" Bones grunted. "I know for a fact, pal, that you may be irritated with me right now but won't admit it. I also know ya love me, maybe just for the baths I let you take or maybe for the ridiculous amount of bubbles I let you put in those baths, but ya love me just the same."
Jim fought a smile.
"Your tray is on your left. You can't use your right hand well at the moment and your dexterity may be a little off from the meds, but I assume you'll want to try to feed yourself, anyway." Bones cleared his throat. "I'm not going anywhere, so if you find that you can't manage, then...I'll just eat your food for you. I skipped breakfast this mornin' because the Andorian twins and that pretty blonde kick-ass security officer you used to flirt with before you became all decorated and captainly? Well, trust me. You don't want to know..."
Jim barked out a laugh, not that he remembered the twins or the security officer but Bones painted an entertaining picture with very few words. Jim sighed happily and dug into his food, managing for a few minutes until he grew tired of dropping things. Plus, at the rate he was going, he would be eating cold food, which he hated.
"Bones." Jim scowled at his tray. A shadow moved and the utensils clanged. But it wasn't the doctor who prepped his first bite.
"Allow me, Jim," said Spock.
Too hungry to dwell on the oddness of Spock feeding him, Jim didn't protest.
"Do you recall the conversation we had with Admiral Archer yesterday?" Spock asked, the second bite he offered better than the first. Jim chewed, liking this change of pace. Sometimes Bones fed him too slow. He gulped down his food and shook his head.
Then nodded.
He ate a little more and took a drink from the glass that was pressed into his hand. He was waiting for another bite when he realized Spock had stopped feeding him. Jim frowned.
"Jim," Spock said, "You indicated that you do remember when Admiral Archer spoke to us."
Jim cocked his head, sorting through the mental cobwebs. It took a moment. Maybe two. He felt much like he did in the midst of a hangover, only without the headache and sick stomach. Scratching his chin, Jim realized he remembered only one word of that conversation. He sighed. "Spock, I just...remember Soona."
"Yes, captain. The Admiral informed us that they located her family."
Jim collapsed back onto his pillow, happiness finding its way into his chest. "They found her family," he repeated. "She's going back?"
"She will meet them tomorrow."
Jim could've cried. That was three things that was good about the Re'an mission. Instead, he sniffed and turned his head away from Spock, not crying.
"We would like for you to tell her this news," Spock said.
"Nope," Jim sniffed.
"Soona's grandmother suggested it to Admiral Archer."
"Me?" Jim shook his head. "Not like this."
"I'll get you off the meds in about an hour, but I need a little more time to keep your brain activity at these levels, Jim," Bones said. "Let's not make a decision about speaking with Soona until we see how you're doing."
Surprised the doctor was in the room - but pleased he'd stayed - Jim's eyes welled up more. He could hardly string together a coherent set of words, the focus required exhausted him, and he kept crying, which he hated. "I don't like...this..." he whispered, allowing his shoulders to drop.
"It's okay to feel that way, but I just want you to know I am proud of you for doing the right thing, Jim," Bones said softly.
Jim nodded and stared up at the ceiling, mindful that they removed his tray but did not leave him alone.
But then he remembered.
He was going to meet...someone. And that someone was going to help him. Spock didn't offer the answer and Bones didn't press him - and Jim discovered that he appreciated the space they gave him. Had it been something the old him had preferred? Thinking on his own? In solitude? Granted, Jim wasn't in solitude but he could feel the space they gave him and he liked it as much as he liked them being so involved, such as Spock feeding him or Bones holding him. The next hour, Jim struggled to find himself while the drug's effects ebbed. By the end of the hour, he still hadn't quite found himself but at least Bones let him walk to the bathroom.
Sitting in a chair was even better, and knowing he didn't have to stay in bed but would continue sitting here for therapy on his arm better still.
"I'm not so cold right now." Jim's relief so great in the temperature change, he practically melted in his seat. "I'm not cold, Bones."
"I wondered if you'd notice that," Bones said. "Your temperature increased with the drug therapy. Although this rise in temperature could become a problem, it isn't at the moment. I think we should celebrate."
"Celebrate?" Jim asked, confused. His heart pounded and, panicking, he backtracked. "It's not...not a big deal. It's...a little thing?"
"Jim," Bones said gently. "Celebrating these little things is not a bad idea. Especially when a little thing is actually a big thing. You being comfortable in your own skin is big, Jim."
"But, Bones...I..." Jim blinked, his mind a scramble of Re'an, the captain, and the man he was now. "No birthdays. I don't do those. And...there's...only particular ceremonies the Re'an...they celebrate those...no...nothing else..."
He stopped and buried his head in his hands, unaware that his shoulders shook and even more unaware that he'd been in a private room in sickbay since the moment he first awakened. "No...no...Bones...no celebrating...dad died...and then the Re'an...no, Bones."
"It's alright, Jim. We understand. No celebrating." Bones knelt in front of him.
"I...I can't..." Jim gave a short, dismal laugh. "No celebrating, Bones. I...I'm sorry..."
"Jim, it's going to be okay," Bones soothed. "We understand and we aren't going to make you do anything you don't want to. The way you're feeling? It's nothing to be ashamed about, alright?"
Jim's shoulders shuddered one more time. He was making a fool of himself. He wanted to be a captain again, and captains didn't break down, did they?
He swallowed down a sob. "I took down that...that fucking Sasquatch but I can't...I can't do this right now, Bones."
"I know," Bones murmured, squeezing Jim's knee. "It's hard, but you have us, Jim."
Jim straightened in his chair, determined to be more captainly like Bones had said and somehow be the friend they needed. He'd been a burden long enough; if being in this confused state distressed Jim, it had to hurt his best friend, too. And he couldn't ignore the pain he sensed from Spock through their bond. Jim took a deep breath. He stared down at the gray form in front of him and then up at the tall form of his first officer. Maybe there was an easier way to do this. "I want to be heavily medicated until we get to...to..."
"The Starbase where you'll meet Soona's grandmother, the Betazoid healer who will be able to help you?" Bones finished softly for him.
Jim nodded. He really didn't understand what Bones said but it made sense. Why wouldn't he want to meet Soona's grandmother? He'd saved Soona and now Soona had family to meet. That would be an important moment to witness.
"I don't want to do that unless I have to, Jim," Bones said, his tone too gentle for Jim's liking. Jim set his jaw. "I am watching things very carefully, and, if you can try to remain calm, I'll keep you off of those drugs. We'd like to talk to you but I know that's not what you want right now. However, it may be that I have to begin another round of treatment very soon. I imagine you've changed your mind about the drugs because now you're confused and maybe even frightened. You would rather not think clearly, because in that state you won't realize that your thinking isn't all that normal...because knowing it's not normal...then it hurts...am I right?"
Of course, Bones was right, and Jim couldn't stand it anymore.
"What did they do to me, Bones?" Jim choked out. "What the fuck did they do?
Soona took one last look at the remaining Re'an snake in the protective case and said goodbye to the xenozoologist on duty. She walked out of the lab, believing it to be the last time she'd ever see a Re'an creature again. It was near death, having been the sole survivor for two weeks now. Fighting her sorrow, she stepped into the corridor, only to see Nyota Uhura waiting outside the lab.
"Nyota," Soona slowed, but did not stop. Her Re'an upbringing kept her on task and her feet could not help but keep a still-brisk pace as she planned to her quarters, which she shared with a slightly younger ensign. She did, however, offer what she thought was a normal, Terran greeting. She threw in concern for the commander for good measure. "I did not expect to see you. How is Mr. Spock? Is he recovered?"
Nyota smiled warmly at Soona and fell in step beside her. "He is, thank you, and he has a request before you return to your quarters."
"Oh," Soona said, surprised. She'd been given a communicator soon after she as boarded the Enterprise. Any other communication had been through the device, and Soona did not know how to reply.
"Will you accompany me to sickbay to see the captain?"
Soona's eyes widened and, forgetting herself, she stopped in her tracks. "I'm to see the captain?"
"Yes," Nyota smiled again. "He'd like to speak with you as soon as possible."
"I didn't think he was well enough to see anyone, let alone me." She said, breathless in her shock. "I...I'd remind him of too much, wouldn't I? At least, that's what I thought has been the reason that he hasn't talked with me."
Nyota's smile waned. "It has been the reason, yes, but Dr. McCoy believes he will be able to handle this meeting and has allotted a small time frame before they need to begin his therapy again."
"Therapy," Soona repeated. It sounded ominous, and Soona could think of a million therapies one would need after living with the Re'an. Even now, she saw two different psychiatrists on the ship. Those sessions were difficult, given her torrent of emotion during and after. She was under no illusions that her transition to Terran life would be seamless.
"The therapy has helped him, and now, he's well enough to finally see you. The captain's looking forward to it, Soona."
"And so am I," Soona murmured, considering the last time she actually set eyes on Captain Kirk before both their worlds had fallen apart, like threads pulled on a beautiful tapestry gracing the walls of her Re'an home. His tapestry had been golden, rich with adventure and courage and strength but tinted with sadness and loss. Even from afar, it was clear that his friends defined the beauty woven into his tapestry. Sadly, the thread that the Re'an pulled mutilated the tapestry, leaving it in tatters. But his friends held fast. Hers, on the other hand, contained an entire life, the only one she remembered. While Kirk had been left with tatters, cruel and taunting what had been, she had been left with absolutely nothing and no one.
She couldn't determine which was worse until Nyota escorted her to sickbay, having to prod her along to greet Dr. McCoy.
The captain had been intimidating. She wasn't so naive to think that he would still look the part. The Re'an were not kind to the outsiders they melded with. She'd seen them afterwards and at times she'd helped care for the poor souls who had been forced to start a Re'an life. She stared at Dr. McCoy, wanting to know if the captain would look like those poor souls. It was an irrational fear. Dr. McCoy was an esteemed, skilled doctor who had probably helped Kirk already.
"He's fine," the doctor said.
"You're sure?" she whispered. "I cannot be the one who sabotages your work. I...am still very much Re'an."
Surgery would reverse what the Re'an had done to her, but that would be best done on planet - and she didn't want to leave the Enterprise. She was comfortable here and trying not to think of the day she'd have to leave this haven.
"Soona, he's blind," Dr. McCoy reminded her gently.
Soona brought her hands to her flushed cheeks. She'd forgotten, and it horrified her. Had she truly been that simple minded since Nyota told her she'd be speaking with the very man who had saved her?
"I...think it will be hard for him," she decided. "He could...sense things."
McCoy nodded, escorting her through sickbay to a back hallway. "That's true, and that is why he is on medication to ward off any reaction that could do more harm to him, including a reaction to the creature's scent. I've lowered the dosage for a little while, so he's more himself when he speaks with you. He'll manage, but it's a small window."
"I see," she said quietly. "I'm very sorry for my part in this."
"You did nothing wrong, Soona." McCoy said firmly. "You saved Jim the first time, allowing him the time he needed to make the decisions which led to your escape. The way I see it, the way Jim sees it, you had an integral part in delaying his capture. You also provided us with information which kept others from getting hurt."
"He knows what happened?" She asked as they stopped outside what she assumed to be the captain's room private room.
McCoy hesitated. "We've explained to him a few things, but he's not in a place where he can fully understand their context. However, he understands enough to speak with you."
McCoy stepped forward and the door slid open, but Soona's feet would not budge. The doctor's eyes softened.
"It's alright. Trust me - Jim has something he wants to tell you, so actually, you don't need to do any talkin' at all."
"It is not that," she said carefully. "I cannot thank him enough for what he did for me. He's...he's like this...because..."
The doctor quickly closed the door to the captain's room. "No," he said with a slight frown. "It is not your fault, and Jim would feel terrible if you said that to him."
Soona pursed her lips. It was her fault, but she most certainly couldn't stand here and argue with the good doctor. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Have you discussed this with your psychiatrist?" McCoy asked.
"Yes."
"Good." The doctor hesitated again. "Do you think you can do this today? Soona, if you feel uncomfortable, I will speak with you in my office."
"No, please. I can do this," she said more confidently, and soon, she was looking at a man who had saved her life at the expense of himself. McCoy alerted him of her presence, but he'd already noticed her. He smiled and greeted her, and that was when Soona's attention turned elsewhere. She swallowed, discovering that he appeared to be attached to his bed, the medication coursing through his body by way of the IV, a process which baffled Soona. She stared openly at the port in his hand, his warm smile, and then the fuzz on his head that was clearly darker than its previous golden shade.
"Your hair..." She blinked, saddened to see the change.
But Kirk just grinned. "It's just like the fuzz on a baby chick, or so Bones told me. Whatever it is, I'm glad to have it."
"Fuzzy," she murmured while her mind strained to imagine a baby chick in her backyard as a child. "And...darker."
"Bones told me that, too, just this morning," Kirk gave a helpless shrug, his bright smile dimming. "Not sure why it happened but maybe I can dye it later -"
"It looks good," she interjected, trying to explain herself. "It's very distinguished. Or, it will be...once it's...not fuzzy...or chick's...fur anymore. You wouldn't want to have chick's fur for hair, captain."
McCoy muffled laughter beside her, and Kirk's smile reached his eyes again. When Kirk laughed, Soona's nerves subsided only a little.
"Soona, I appreciate your honesty," McCoy squeezed Kirk's shoulder. "It's about time someone does something other than inflate his ego around here."
Soona decided that if she was sad for the captain, the doctor and acting captain were sure to be, as well. Her gaze settled on Kirk's blue, sightless eyes, and she inhaled sharply. Somehow she had failed to even say hello to him. Appalled at herself for forgetting basic human etiquette, she finally managed to utter her own greeting. An awkward pause ensued, and it was the gracefulness of the captain that bridged the moment.
"I'm glad you came to see me, Soona. We have news," Kirk said quietly. "Good news for you."
She wanted to cringe. Did they have good news for him?
"They found your parents, Soona," Kirk continued, his eyes not quite focused on her, but there was a gentleness about them which encouraged her to give him her full attention. "And your grandmother."
"My parents?" She whispered, afraid to attach any depth to her words. Had she heard him correctly? It seemed too good to be true.
"Yes, your parents," Kirk repeated gently.
"I...I have...family?"
"Cousins, too." Kirk gave a cheerful laugh, one reminiscent of his former self. "And your parents and grandmother are coming for you."
"When?" Her eyes widened.
"I know it seems soon, but your parents will arrive tomorrow as well as your grandmother." Kirk hesitated. "When we...when..."
His confusion was unexpected and in an instant, the doctor was speaking for the captain.
"We'll meet them at a Starbase," McCoy explained. "If you'd like one of us to be with you when you meet them, we will arrange that."
"I have family." A tear escaped from her tightly reined emotions. "I didn't think I'd have..."
Her breath hitched and for the captain's sake, she suppressed the strange feeling welling up inside of her. The captain was smiling, but it was not like the sun as before. She did not miss the way the doctor sent Kirk a concerned look and then quickly typed on his PADD.
"We want you to be comfortable, Soona," Kirk said. "If you need support -"
"Will you come with me?" She blurted out before she could stop herself.
Kirk's lips twitched. "I'll be there. I wouldn't miss it."
"You bet he'll be there, with his chick fuzz," McCoy mused.
"With a hat, thank you very much," Kirk quipped.
McCoy's eyes filled with fondness as he looked at the captain. "You do know your hats are a little fluffy already."
Kirk rolled his eyes. "That's me, a regular ball of fluff."
McCoy smiled and turned to Soona. "I will make sure that Jim will be there with you, Soona. In fact, I know he will be. Your grandmother will be helping him."
"Helping him?" She asked.
McCoy nodded. "Yes, but I am sure she'd prefer to talk with you herself about that."
Intrigued, Soona began to think what her grandmother could do to help the captain. She hadn't felt anything quite like this for a long time. She was nervous and emotional and...she hardly knew how to handle herself around these two important men, who obviously cared deeply for each other. She couldn't imagine her reaction if Acting Captain Spock was here, too. She managed a breathless, pitiful thank you before the captain fell asleep or was medicated again, for by the way McCoy was frowning and Kirk was furrowing his brow, she could not decipher the situation.
"Bones? Did I tell Soona?" Kirk's voice stretched thin.
"Yes, Jim, you did," McCoy said. "She just thanked you."
"Three, Bones," Kirk murmured. "She has family. That was the third thing, Bones."
Soona's heart twisted, and McCoy looked just as confused as she was by the captain's words. She'd obviously overstayed in her inability to appropriately converse with two members of her own species. She wasn't as confident as she once had been. The snakes were dying, and it seemed that the stronger parts the Re'an had formed within her were dying right along with them.
Would her relatives even accept her? Like the doctor and commander accepted their captain?
"I'll be right back, Jim." McCoy adjusted numbers on the screen beside the captain's bed and escorted Soona to the door. He handed her a PADD. "I'm sorry he wasn't a little more lucid towards the end. I had to increase his medication but he did better than I thought he would. Read this once you return to your quarters. It's from your grandmother."
Once Soona read the heartfelt letter, her insecurities faded and she could not think of anything else but her compassionate, Betazoid grandmother who would soon ease the pain of the man who'd saved her.
The next day arrived exactly how each hour passed for Jim - hazy, serene, and all a blur. Jim almost laughed outright. Who was he kidding. His entire fucking life was a blur right now. He couldn't make sense of anything, because if he even attempted to make sense of something, it merely displaced something else. He couldn't come to grips with his confusion, not even when Bones decreased the medication like he had an hour ago to allow Jim his bath.
Jim sighed as he dragged the towel over his face. He lifted the towel up to his head, rubbing his scalp before pausing. Resigned, he blamed Bones' drugs for making him forget he hardly had any hair. He dropped his hands and wrapped the towel around his waist. He took a seat beside the bathtub, waiting for Bones to help him because his depth perception seemed somewhat affected by the medication. Soon, Jim became caught up in his thoughts. If Aleyah was alive - and she was, because Bones confirmed that for him this morning- than who the hell had been with him in the sacred room after his crew escaped? He'd been told no one, and that was only one question he had. The other questions - or lies - swarmed in his mind, dragged down by the medication Bones had given him. He finally decided his questions were all linked, but by what he didn't know and he couldn't know for the endless fog hanging over him.
"You kept things from me to protect me," Jim told Bones when the doctor brought over his clothing.
"We did, Jim. We had no choice." Bones handed Jim a fresh shirt.
"I don't understand, Bones." Jim pulled the shirt over his head and took the pants Bones gave him. His right arm was stiff again but he managed to pull his boxers and pants on better than he expected.
"I know, but I think after a few more days we'll be able to explain more and then you will understand," Bones said, gently pushing Jim back down into his chair.
"Hey...what..."
"Sit," the doctor said.
Jim almost rolled his eyes when he heard the beeps of the tricorder.
"My arm's fine, Bones." Jim said to the overprotective doctor. He huffed a sigh as he was forced to remain both seated and still while Bones worked.
"I'm going to give you something for the pain," Bones said. "You are just days post-op, Jim. It'll be sore for a little while longer, but I don't want you distracted with this, too, today."
"Like I said, it's fine," Jim shook his head and tugged on the sleeves of his shirt. At least his body temperature was normal, but he almost shivered remembering the hours he spent chilled and uncomfortable in his own skin. "Where are we going again?"
"We're not going - we're here, Jim, at a Starbase. We arrived a few hours ago."
"Then why didn't you leave earlier?" Jim asked, confused. "I thought Soona was meeting her family."
"Spock had a few things to take care of after we docked, but her parents aren't here yet. Besides, we wait for our captain," Bones said lightly. "That's you, you know."
Jim blinked. "Me?"
"Who else wears fuzzy hats that we call captain?"
"They're not fuzzy or fluffy," Jim muttered under his breath. "They're soft," Jim said, defending Uhura's hats, which he loved. He needed those hats. When he pictured himself with the blonde hair that he didn't have, it pulled him into a dark place. "Bones, I hate my hair. There's not much there yet, and it's...it changed. Maybe you should just shave it off."
"I don't think you hate your hair, Jim," Bones said softly.
Jim willed back his tears. "Maybe I do," he mumbled. "It's different."
It was too different. He was too different.
"You're right that it's not the same." Bones said gently, "but is it going to really change who you are?"
"No." Jim gave a short, bitter laugh. The Re'an already did that for him.
"I, for one, like your hair," Bones announced.
Jim sighed. Of course Bones would say that. "Just because you're my best friend doesn't -"
"It's exactly why I need to say it to you. It's true. I like it, and I'm going to tell you because you need a little encouragement to get through this next step."
Jim nodded, but he didn't recall what the next step was. He leaned back in the chair, waiting.
"Soona's grandmother is a Betazoid healer," Bones said. "And she believes she can help you."
"You've told me this before." Jim frowned. "Right?"
"Yes, but it isn't unusual to forget things when undergoing this type of drug treatment, Jim."
"She has empathic healing abilities," Jim murmured, deciding he needed more than encouragement. What if it didn't work? What if he was stuck like this forever? "Bones?"
"Yeah, Buddy," Bones said softly.
"I'm going to have to...to go away from the Enterprise...aren't I?" The thought of being sent away from Bones and Spock sent him reeling.
"I don't think you need to worry about that right now, Jim." Bones sighed. "In fact, I know you can't worry about things like this. Do you remember what Admiral Archer said? He told you specifically, Jim, that you have nothing to worry about."
"But, I'm too different, even with some of me the same," Jim said. He swallowed, frightened his world was going to fall apart again. He didn't even know what was the same unless they told him. Having what felt like a tantrum and removing all his clothing from his dresser didn't seem like a positive character trait of the old him, but what did he know?
Close to fucking nothing about his life at all.
"Jim, I need to safely transport you from sickbay to your quarters before Soona's family arrives. Your scans were a little worrisome this morning and now your heart rate is increasing because you're upset." Bones paused, and Jim could hear the scowl forming on Bones' face. "I'm not sure lowering the dosage was a good idea. This may prove difficult once you meet Elise, but I'm going to have to give you a little something so we don't have a problem. We're too close to the end here to chance anything, Jim."
Lost in his thoughts, he barely registered the fact that Bones was leading him to his bed again, nor did he feel the pinch in his neck. The next time he heard Bones' voice calling softly for him, Jim dragged open his eyes.
By the shape of the ceiling and lights around him, Jim instantly deduced they were no longer in sickbay.
"Bones? Where are we?" Jim croaked out. He rubbed his eyes, cringing, finally resorting to lifting his hand up to shade his eyes. He sat up, hands coming alongside to support him as he swung his legs over the side of his bed. "My quarters?"
"Yes, we are. It'll be the most comfortable place for you, Jim," Bones said. "Do you think you can get to your couch?"
Jim grunted and soon was sitting somewhat limply, Bones' hand on his shoulder. He was given a glass of water and told to give himself a minute.
"Bones, whadya you give me?" He kneaded his forehead.
"I'm sorry, Jim, but it's not what you think. It was only a light sedative."
"Light?" Jim sighed. "My head is too damn heavy, Bones."
"I couldn't take a chance that your brain activity was going to skyrocket with the stress put on you today, but I also didn't want you floating any higher than you already are," Bones explained. "While you were out of it, we made it here in style and you had a few hours more to rest. I know your head feels thick, but you're still relaxed, which will be the best thing for you when you meet Elise."
Bones was right. Jim was relaxed. Soft music began playing and, lounging on his couch, Jim fell into a peaceful state of awareness that he could not escape. Neither did he want to.
"Jim?" Bones said quietly after some time. "Soona's visit with her grandmother ended and now Uhura is bringing Elise."
Hearing Soona's name, Jim dragged his mind back to Bones. "But, Soona. Her grandmother. Parents. She didn't want to be alone."
"She wasn't," Bones said. "Uhura went with her and Soona understood."
Jim began to drift off again, but then he noticed the silent form standing beside him. "Spock?" He murmured, catching the commander's sleeve as he moved away. "Please don't go."
"I assumed you would prefer to be alone during this session with Elise and Dr. McCoy."
At the thought of Spock leaving, Jim found himself suddenly and strangely very awake.
"Hell, no," Jim gave a short laugh and threw out the first excuse that came to his mind. "You're my bond buddy."
Bones snorted.
"Captain, I believe that is not the appropriate term," Spock replied.
Jim sighed, absently drumming his fingers on the arm of the couch. "Spock, we have a bond. And I'm on Bones' drugs. And I was...am...a captain. Your captain. You can't argue. You're my bond buddy."
"He's got a point, Spock," Bones chuckled.
"Bond buddies?" Jim tilted his head back and peered up at the form to his right. When he realized the familiarity of his actions, his heart skipped a beat. "Kapish?"
"As you wish, Jim," Spock said.
"But you have to say it," Jim deadpanned.
"Jim?"
Bones guffawed. "God Almighty, Jim..."
"It's not real unless you say it." Warm and content and enjoying his best friend's reaction, Jim could hardly keep a straight face.
"Jim, you just insulted Spock, saying his Vulcan vodoo isn't real!"
"Captain, may I -"
Jim's eyes widened innocently at Bones. "I insulted him? I'm not the one who uses the word 'voodoo.'"
"Doctor, the captain is correct in suggesting that your use of voodoo to refer to my telepathic abilities carries negative connotations," Spock said.
"You hear that, Bonesy? You better think twice about calling it voodoo." Maybe it was Bones' drugs, but he could imagine the doctor's scowl quite clearly. He closed his eyes and smiled.
Bones groaned. "How the hell did this get turned around on me?"
"Captain, I-"
"Bond buddy, Spock." Jim sighed. "Bond buddy."
"Oh, for the love of - "
"Not now, Bones. 'm busy." Jim opened his eyes and waved his hand in dismissal. "Spock, where were we?"
"I believe we were debating the proper way to address the one with whom we have a bond."
"Right, or bond buddies," Jim said cheekily. He glanced up at the gray form of Spock, that familiar feeling sweeping over him again as he waited.
"Captain, although it is not the correct term," Spock stated, "I shall, from henceforth, call us...bond buddies."
Jim's lips curved upward in satisfaction, and as Jim imagined the Vulcan's steady, warm eyes looking back down at him, his guest arrived.
She heard them as she stood outside the the captain's quarters, pausing before she announced her presence.
Their light-heartedness charmed her. Their friendship inspired her. Their love for one another was the most exceptional thing she had ever felt in her life, and the simple joy they had at being at each other's side, where they wanted to be, was humbling. She wished all could feel as they did at this very moment.
Her granddaughter had begged Elise to heal the captain, and her tears had been testament that the captain was well-loved by those who'd met him. But these two friends, a doctor and first officer, were living, breathing proof that the suffering, blind captain had captured hearts and had bound the three of them to each other in a way that they didn't even know was possible.
Elise steadied herself. Although she knew that the task would be challenging, it would be most fulfilling for the captain in the end. There was hope. Pieces of James T. Kirk would return, and Elise would not abandon the captain until she'd done all that she could do to heal this young man. Right before the doors slid open, Elise gave the captain the first bit of healing.
It was more than a memory, it was a connection to his first officer that the Vulcan bond between them could not provide. She felt Kirk's happiness at realizing that a part of him was, indeed, like the captain they loved. She then heard the Vulcan's amused response and the doctor's mock disbelief, which, in turn, delighted Jim even more.
And so, after a calm, cleansing breath and with a desire to bring them hope, she stepped inside.