Author's Note: Here we are at the beginning of Part Three. As a refresher, Part One is Chapters 1-18 and Part Two is Chapters 19-34. This is the last part. The number of chapters? I'm not entirely certain yet but I was hoping to stop at Chapter 40, but don't quote me, please! :) More than likely there'll be an epilogue, which I may write as a separate one shot.
This is a pretty big chapter as far as info, so I am hoping that as you read, it fills in some gaps. And, I'll be honest - it's also a little bittersweet. More notes at the bottom. :)
As Soona's grandmother entered his quarters Jim found himself at a loss for words, but he couldn't stay on his couch. She was there to help him, and he was equally determined to be respectful and act like the captain he once was, should be...and wanted to be.
"Bones?" Jim said quietly, already pushing himself up off of the couch.
"You're going to be light-headed, Jim. Maybe you should sit-"
"No, Bones. Please," Jim shook his head. "I'm standing."
"Aright, but I'm not letting go. Don't forget that, Jim," Bones said and helped him to his feet. Warmth filled Jim's heart as he heard Bones' cryptic words.
Still, he hung back when Spock greeted Elise because mere seconds before Elise's arrival, Jim sensed something was different about himself. He'd never felt like this before. At least he couldn't remember ever feeling this confident, not even when he'd stood up to those creatures. That had been adrenaline mixed with the desire to be their captain. But this...it had to be the captain returning, filling a little of the empty places in his heart. He didn't understand the captain like he should but when that moment came, something happened. He was captain as he'd looked up at Spock - and he'd embraced it.
"Elise, thank you for coming," Jim finally managed when she came and stood before him. He may feel like a little bit of the captain, but ironically, he couldn't help but be a little terrified. The Re'an had changed...no...they had destroyed the James T. Kirk that he'd once been. If his assumption was correct, Elise, in the short moment she had waited outside his quarters, made a small change in him back to that man. It was a break in the dismal, hanging clouds following him, and he didn't know how to reconcile these two forces at work.
You don't need to, Captain. It will come.
"Captain Kirk, it is a pleasure to meet you," Elise's low voice soothed him as much as her silent words spoken in the privacy of his mind.
"It's Jim, please." Jim stopped and took a breath, the next words on the tip of his tongue when a lump formed in his throat.
Up until very recently, before he decided he wanted to be captain, it was what he'd told everyone - I'm not captain. As he struggled, her presence enveloped him. Unlike when Spock was in his mind as a humming presence or a calm that washed over him, she provided a cocoon, a safe, warm and healing place. Jim closed his mouth, slightly dropping his shoulders. It was clear to him. There was no doubt in his mind that a small part of him truly was the captain both Bones and Spock loved and who loved them in return. He never really believed that he was this captain in his current mental state. How could he? He remembered nothing of the captain's skills or his ship. He had no sound or solid memory that he could actually connect with.
But now he did have a connection, and it had taken this woman to teach him this. All he did was look up at his first officer and then he saw the thousand times that the captain - that he - had done that exact same thing.
A thousand times, and the Re'an had stolen them all from him. One moment from Elise, and Jim found a little of himself. "It was you, wasn't it?"
"It was," she answered.
"Thank you," he said quietly.
"You're welcome, captain," she replied, voice warm.
"Jim?" Bones asked.
"I think I feel like...like a little bit of the old me, Bones," Jim said with a laugh, his laugh dying when the room suddenly tilted. He closed his eyes and reached with his mind for Spock to stabilize himself, thinking the Vulcan would be able to help. But, ever since Elise's arrival, Jim's control of his bond with Spock had diminished - and that having been after it already diminished in the midst of the drug therapy. He heard the Betazoid and Vulcan conversing with each another in his head. They spoke softly, and Jim couldn't pick up a single word. He didn't know what they spoke of, and sadly, he knew very well that it was the Re'an part of him coming to light when he couldn't find it within himself to intrude. Jim's body sagged without warning as the intrusion continued, but an arm already wrapped around his waist. His chin dropped to his chest and his knees dipped towards the ground, but the doctor held fast.
"Jim?" Bones asked urgently. "Ya alright?"
Before he could answer, Spock slid his arm around Jim's waist from the other side and placed Jim's arm across his shoulders. "Captain, it would be prudent for you to be seated while Elise and I discuss what we already know about the Re'an telepathy and what measures I took to assist you."
"In my head?" Jim asked Spock, breathless. His curiosity was rising but so was his strong desire to remain a bystander. It was clearly a battle of wills.
"It is imperative we do so without delay." Spock said, helping Bones as they carried him back to the couch. "But it will be taxing."
"I apologize for our intrusion, captain, but it is necessary before we begin anything else," Elise said warmly. "I know you are concerned for the well-being of first officer, Jim, and that is why I sense the urgency in resolving those memory shatters. I'd like to tell you that I could begin differently, with a gentler approach but that will have to wait. Captain, please, don't be anxious. Your doctor will be with you this entire time."
"I understand," Jim murmured.
Jim submitted to their guidance as another pair of hands and three quiet voices urged him to lie down. He found himself on his side, blinking his eyes frequently as the gray forms moved in front of him, talking with one another. His mind felt like it was drifting with the clouds, with murmurs of the healer, doctor, and Vulcan surrounding him. One gray form finally blocked his vision and when he heard the tricorder, Jim squeezed his eyes in relief that it was Bones. He didn't mind the pinch in his neck that came without warning. Or the next one. They must need him drugged. He hated being in this state, but the captain hated it more.
Feeling useless, Jim struggled to remain still. "What should I do?"
"Not a single thing, Jim," Bones murmured in his ear. "They just told me they need to resolve the memory shatters first before anything else or Elise won't be able to work at all with that as a threat. And to resolve those episodes, they need to examine your mind through Spock's bond and Elise's telepathy, and I must continue to keep you relaxed and somewhat lucid."
"It could hurt her..." Jim reached for Bones, fumbling in his search until he found his bicep. He clutched Bones' shirt, pleading. "Bones, if this could hurt her -"
"It's not going to," Bones said firmly. "And you're going to lie here, not thinking of that, alright? In fact, Jim, Elise said it was more important for us to keep talking while they examine the Re'an barrier -"
"Barrier?" Jim didn't recall anything like that being discussed. His hand tightened on the doctor's arm.
"Yeah, Jim," Bones hesitated. "The Re'an created a mental block that has hidden the truth from you, including the memories they didn't want you to remember but allowed you to keep, but only if they stored it for you."
"Like your mom's house?" Jim murmured, sadness washing over him. He hoped that it was a memory the Re'an actually stored and hadn't thrown away.
"My mama's house?" Bones asked.
"I don't remember it." Jim closed his eyes, focusing on the drawl of the doctor and the image of a garden. "It's gone, Bones. I've tried...but I only see the garden. I only hear Mrs. McCoy's voice. No house, Bones."
Bones was quiet. "I didn't know, Jim. I'm sorry."
"I shouldn't have told you." Jim winced, mad at himself. He really hadn't meant to tell Bones. He'd wanted to protect his friends from the hurtful things that he did or didn't remember. "I didn't before...because I know it would upset you and..."
"Jim, don't think for a moment that I'm going to dwell on that. I know it hurts, and I do feel sad. But Jim? I'm thankful that you are here with us." Bones took a deep breath. "In fact, if that memory doesn't return, just think of our first visit back to Georgia after this five year mission. You'll be seeing that old house for the first time, and the first time you saw it, Jim, you were like a kid trying to find very nook and cranny."
Jim gave him a small smile. "Hiding places. From my grumpy, stingy doctor when I sneak pieces of your mom's pies and need a safe place to eat them."
"Sounds about right," Bones said softly.
"Or when I played hide 'n seek with Jo." Jim saddened. "Bet Jo loves that house."
"Yeah, she does." Bones' voice grew thick with emotion and then Jim remembered.
"Bones. I'm sorry," Jim whispered. "I didn't meant to mention Jo, because of...of Jocelyn."
Bones sighed. "About that, Jim..."
Jim's heart stopped. He recognized that tone of voice. "There's no problem with Jocelyn, is there?"
"There...there hasn't been, at least not at this time."
"What do you mean, not at this time?" Jim asked slowly.
"Right before we set off into the black, Jocelyn made a stab at it."
Jim frowned. "She tried to steal Jo? Because you were leaving for five years?"
"It seemed that way, Jim, and...you didn't take that news well," Bones paused. "Neither did I, for that matter."
"Bones, you didn't do anything drastic..." He held his breath.
"If you hadn't come that night, I probably would've created a scenario that could've allowed Jocelyn to strip away my rights. When she first started process, I wasn't allowed to see or talk with Jo. Things looked very, very dismal."
A dismal Bones wasn't something Jim wanted to think about. "Bones, what did you do," Jim asked tentatively.
Bones gave a short, dry laugh. "I was upset and, at first, not coping well. There was so much going on and it was so close to us going out into the black that I admit that I was drinking a little too much one evening. You commed me that night, and I never once thought you'd pick up on it because you were flying from one thing to another preparing for the big day. But, as my superior officer - and friend - you rightfully called me out on it and told me that I better not drink another drop or I'd probably find myself going down a path I would later regret. I refused to listen. I had every intention of quitting after the second night, but I didn't want you to know that because I wanted to wallow in self pity for one more night."
"You shouldn't wallow, Bones," Jim frowned.
"Yeah, well, I should've known better. Of course my best friend hadn't missed a damn thing. That second night, you and Spock came to my place before I got too inebriated and involved myself in a nasty phone call. I'll just leave it at that," Bones paused. "Oh, I guess I should tell you that she stopped pursuing sole custody after someone found some dirt on her boyfriend. That was opposite in your state of mind when we rescued you from the Re'an. You believed that Jocelyn had found - "
"Things from your past she hadn't even known before," Jim muttered. "To take Jo from you."
"Yes, Jim. That's what you thought," Bones said quietly. "But that's not the truth. This is. Someone threatened Jocelyn's boyfriend with his past. Turned out he was the one pushing her to play nasty all along. She ended up dropping the case - and him. Good riddance, I say, for more than one reason. Jocelyn isn't a bad mother or a bad person, but that guy? He's a different story. I owe ya, Jim."
Jim blinked. "Me?"
"Who else would risk his own skin to save my little girl?" Bones grouched. "Yeah. It was you, but Spock had something to do with it, too, keeping you out of trouble. Seems like we have each other's backs, pal."
Shooting pain traveled up his right arm and grimacing, Jim loosened the grip he had on Bones' arm. "Then why did I think...then why...I'm confused, Bones."
"Why did you think that it happened during this mess with the Re'an?" Bones asked in a calm voice. "Hold on, Jim. I'm going to give you something for the pain in that arm of yours."
It didn't make sense to Jim. A lot of what Bones said before didn't make sense either. He felt like he was floating, compared to the utter heaviness of his mind before Elise arrived. After a moment, there was a familiar pinch to Jim's neck, and Bones continued in a soft drawl.
"They twisted your thinking in that damn meld, Jim. They took your fears and made them terrible memories and ideas in your head for more than two weeks while you were...well..."
"Bones?" Jim's pulse began to race. That didn't sound good, and his stomach clenched at Bones' sudden silence. "What do you mean...what was I?"
"I can't tell you that part yet," Bones murmured. "Let's just say you were out of it, and then ever since, some of these fake memories have been tied up, some not, and you've been stuck with a bunch of lies...but back to Jocelyn. My guess is that since it was a fairly recent and involved your best friend, the memory would've be fresh and easier to use against you."
Bones stroked Jim's head, the repeated motion sending him to an even more relaxed state. Jim nestled deeper into the couch.
"They must have seen how upset you had been, Jim," Bones said. "You were as upset as I was because you were concerned for both me and Jo, and the way I reacted to Jocelyn's antics wasn't healthy."
It didn't make sense to Jim, but maybe this meant that they had never had weeks of ongoing tension between them. "Then, we never were...were having a major disagreement about my past, were we, Bones?"
"No, pal, we weren't," Bones said softly. "Tarsus never entered the picture except for one time, and even then it wasn't giving you any long-standing problems. Tarsus was a fear they used against you, just like the other."
"Bones...No Tarsus? No..." Jim's next words were lost in a relieved, breathless sob.
"Hey, buddy, it's okay," Bones said. "No Tarsus, Jim."
But Jim was still as confused as hell. He'd gotten lost as soon as Bones first said that the Re'an used his fears against him...or maybe his confusion began even earlier than that...but he'd take the confusion. So as long as he hadn't hurt his friend by being a stubborn idiot and Bones hadn't lost his own control over Jocelyn's selfishness because Jo needed her dad, too. Jim would spend a million lifetimes confused if it meant his friends weren't hurt.
"Hey, don't say that," Bones said gently.
"Say what?" Jim wondered aloud.
"Yeah, this conversation may not be going as smoothly as you think it is, Jim. You're muttering things, skipping over some words and slurring them, but I'm practiced in 'Jim Kirk is drugged' language."
Jim's brow creased. He wasn't slurring his words, was he?
"You are slurring your words, Jim, but I'm catching every single thing, so don't you worry." Bones continued stroking Jim's head. "I know some of what was going through your head at that time and getting your past thrown in your face and not being able to deal with it isn't being a stubborn idiot. It's called trauma, post-traumatic stress, and a myriad of other things. As your physician, and even though it was all in your head, I should have stepped up to the plate, Jim."
Jim just stared at Bones' gray form. He thought he should know what that last part meant, but he had nothing.
"Right." Bones muttered. "Sorry about that, Jim. I forgot you don't understand most idioms and sometimes Standard, in general -"
"Bones, I'm even more confused," Jim confessed.
Bones sighed. "What I mean is this, Jim. I should have stopped it the first day I saw the problems coming, and it was no wonder things escalated when I didn't stop it."
"But it wasn't real," Jim murmured.
"No, it wasn't, Jim." Bones engulfed one of Jim's hands in both of his. "And I'm very sorry you felt the pain of that. Between that and the situation with Jo in your mind that got twisted up, I caused you enough pain. I don't think I can forgive the other me in those damn manifestations."
Manifest - what? "That's illogical." Despite being under the influence of Bones' drugs and having two other minds mess with his mind in the background, Jim was a little proud he could manage responding like his bond buddy would - logically.
Bones gave a short laugh. "Yeah, Jim, you're right. It doesn't make sense, but it's how I feel."
"But I forgive you," Jim said with all the sincerity his state allowed him.
"I know you do," Bones said, voice thick. "Because it's the twelfth time I've explained these things to you while Elise looks into your brain, buddy."
Jim closed his eyes, fighting a whimper. He was exhausted. And no wonder. Twelve times? That didn't seem possible. Whatever time it was, it better be time for stopping soon. He was tired. He was...Bones was talking, and Jim forced his eyes open to listen.
"Jim, stay with me, alright? I need you to focus."
Jim nodded. Since they all needed Jim to focus, and since Jim was a little bit of the captain, he was going to make damn sure he did all that they said so he could be more of the captain.
"Twelve, Bones?" Jim asked, hesitant. He hoped that Bones would tell him he was wrong and he wasn't telling Jim this over and over all for Jim's sake. He knew Bones - his friend would be hurting, maybe even feeling guilty that he had to explain these things to Jim.
"Yes, Jim," Bones continued gently. "Twelve. And every time I've explained this, you tell me that. 'I forgive you, Bones.' "
Jim blinked at him, still in disbelief. Every time? Had Bones really said he'd explained this twelve times? He would have remembered at least by the sixth time, wouldn't he? Or at least, by the eighth?
"I know what you're thinkin' again, Jim," Bones said. "You don't know how this could be the twelfth time we've discussed all of this, but it is. Believe me, I didn't want to talk about it - "
Jim nodded, frowning. He remembered now how difficult it had been to get anything out of Bones that first week after Jocelyn had pulled that stunt.
"Yeah, you understand how hard this is for me, Jim. You also understand what would have happened if Jocelyn's boyfriend could have gotten away with it. Jo wouldn't have been able to spend some of the next five years at my mama's house, for one. She'd be stuck in a home where the boyfriend..." Bones' voice trailed off.
"Bones - " Jim reached for his friend. He knew what could've happened. God, he knew.
"I'm alright, Jim." Bones whispered. "The truth is, Jim, I haven't thought too hard about any of this since before the Re'an mission. Thinking of it these past weeks would only remind me of how the Re'an continuously used me against you. How the mere mention of me in those manifestations hurt you...how I failed you as your friend and doctor. Once or twice I found myself almost going down this road, thinking of all this again. It happened just a few days ago, actually, but I had to force it from my mind so I could take care of you properly, Jim."
"You don't have to talk about it now, Bones. Upsets you." Jim frowned. "'m fine."
"No," Bones shook his head. "You're not fine yet, Jim. Elise needs me to talk about this with you so that you learn more of the truth. I think we'll have gone over this story enough that you'll actually remember when the meds wear off...and who knows...maybe they will be real memories once Elise is done."
"She's done?" Jim asked, slightly confused.
"Not yet, Buddy," Bones paused. "You know I'd do anything for you, Jim, even this."
Jim understood. He'd do the same.
Bones squeezed his hand. "We're getting there, Jim. Each time we talk and you listen. It's getting better. Each time, we're getting through more and more of what happened."
"We?" Jim asked tiredly.
"Spock is helping Elise, although she is doing most of the work. They say it's going to take time. Elise will come up for air soon once she stabilizes the barrier and the memory shatters can't harm you or Spock anymore. These exercises help, Jim," Bones said gently.
"Help what, Bones?" Jim asked, confused as to why he couldn't sense Elise in his mind.
"Elise discovered very quickly after arriving to your quarters that the medication I gave you misleads the Re'an barrier. It doesn't know that we're giving you the truth so it can't launch those memory shatters at you or react in another negative manner. Neither does it know she's working to change it. Who knew that being heavily medicated actually sabotages what they did to you? She also says that giving the truth in small doses the next few days will soften the blow of the severest memories that slip past the barrier in the future, because Elise can't get rid..."
Bones went silent.
"Bones?" Jim's skin prickled. "Elise can't what?"
"Sorry, Jim," Bones said softly. "I guess I can't tell you that part yet, but I don't want you to worry. I can tell you that they've tested this hypothesis on this one incident, one of the worst ones, and it's helping as Elise works. The Re'an aren't going to win, Jim, I promise. Ya with me?"
Jim nodded, although he didn't quite catch all of what his friend said. Even so, Jim was with Bones all the way, and hoped that Spock was there, too.
"He is, Jim. I promise."
"She succeeded in changing the barrier," Spock told McCoy. The doctor sagged into a seat at the captain's table. Spock stood close to the doctor, hands behind his back as he observed the fatigue emanating from McCoy. The doctor rubbed his eyes, the circles under his eyes darker than they were yesterday. Spock considered that the doctor had received insufficient rest and would require sleep as soon as possible. "I believe that it would be safe for you to return to your quarters for the duration of the night."
"Will you return to yours?"
"There is no need for me to do so," Spock said. "I do not require sleep, doctor."
"Meditation?" McCoy rubbed his jaw and sighed. "Spock, you need that as much as I need sleep after this day."
"I will meditate at a later time, once Elise is finished."
"You'll stay with Jim, then?"
It was a simple request with only one answer. "Indeed, I will." Spock said, staring at the sleeping man on the couch. He fought the illogical urge to awaken him and demand that their former friend return. The proper steps must first be achieved. To interfere with the procedure would be detrimental to the captain.
"But she isn't finished, is she?" McCoy glanced at the serene woman sitting in a chair next to Jim. Her eyes closed and face relaxed, Elise betrayed nothing of her work.
"No, she is not. There is a stabilization process now that she altered the barrier." Spock paused. "It is now translucent. There are memories behind it that she can retrieve and those which will find their way to the surface on their own."
He left unsaid those memories which were bound behind the barrier indefinitely or forever.
"Not sure I like the thought of this thing in Jim's head," McCoy said quietly.
"I concur, doctor, but removing the barrier is impossible," Spock said.
"Now that we know that, it changes everything, Spock." McCoy tipped his head back, his eyes resting on Jim's face.
"Everything?" Spock echoed, wanting to disagree but giving the opportunity for the doctor to explain himself further.
"Yes, everything." McCoy said, eyes flickering with emotion. "Jim is everything to everyone on this ship, including me, and he's changed. He is never going to be the same, Spock. That barrier is there forever, and so are the Re'an traits which are contained in that damn thing. We lost him. We really did lose him."
"Doctor, that is illogical. He is alive," Spock said firmly, as if that was all that mattered.
If he were to be honest with himself, Spock understood that for both he and McCoy, it was not all that mattered. It was a most illogical thought, given the history of Jim Kirk.
McCoy straightened and stared at Spock. "We have lost the Jim that we knew. That man we came out into the black with is gone. He will never be the same, Spock. Never. And although I love the new Jim just as much as the old him and expect that he's going to be an even different man tomorrow than he is today, part of me is going to mourn the old him. I don't want Jim to ever know, Spock, but we're all going to mourn him a little. I suspect that even you will mourn him."
The doctor was correct, but Spock refused to look away and succumb to his emotions. Once he began to mourn, he feared his controls would fail and he would then falter. How would he lead Jim's crew in his stead or remain the first officer Jim needs if he allowed himself to dwell on what was lost or on what could never be again?
"It is not shameful or illogical to agree with Dr. McCoy, Commander. These are natural emotions, even given your Vulcan heritage," Elise said softly. McCoy glanced at her in surprise. Spock was startled only slightly, expecting her to be at work controlling the barrier. "Do not worry. The captain's mind is safe for the time being since I've stabilized and changed the barrier. I will resume with the next step once he's rested, but I cannot wait long. There is a small window during which I can retrieve the captain's memories that the Re'an left accessible behind the barrier."
"Do you have an idea of what those are?" McCoy's brow furrowed.
"I do," she said with the same, smooth tone, but her eyes grew serious as she watched the doctor. "You wonder if he will be able to retain his captaincy, Dr. McCoy."
McCoy nodded. "Yes."
"If he is incapable of retaining his captaincy now or in the future, we must determine another way to procure his status on the Enterprise," Spock said.
"I see," she said slowly. "As I said before, it is not shameful or wrong to mourn the friend he once was to you."
McCoy's eyes saddened. "So he won't."
"No, you misunderstand. I believe as you mourn, you will also embrace who he has become and the friend he still is. He will not be so much changed that you do not recognize your old friend and captain." She paused, her lips forming a small smile. "Especially your captain."
Spock's burden instantly lightened. This was satisfactory, indeed. "You will be able to return the captain's knowledge and skills to him."
She beamed. "Now that the barrier is translucent, I discovered that the Re'an left them quite accessible."
"Thank you, Elise..." Eyes full of relief, McCoy exhaled a slow breath and put his head in his hands. "Thank you."
"Their accessibility suggests that the Re'an planned to utilize the captain's knowledge and skills in the future," said Spock. He had not expected that his rage towards the Re'an could ever intensify. In light of this new development, however, he had assumed too much.
"Those bastards," McCoy said, raising his head. He stood up from his chair and ran a hand through his hair, watching Jim. "They were going to use him in more ways than one."
Spock clasped his hands behind his back, refraining from joining the doctor in a quiet, somber study of their captain. Instead, he sought to suppress his inner turmoil. He required meditation to properly manage these emotions but he could not yet remove himself from Jim or McCoy's presence.
"Yes, it seems that way," Elise nodded. "Perhaps they intended to utilize his skills once he was completely immersed into their way of life."
She hesitated.
"You saw something," McCoy frowned.
Troubled, Spock instantly queried her. "Did you ascertain how they were to use the captain?"
"I cannot be certain, but I saw vague impressions on the barrier revealing that they did not wish to remain on Re'an V. Your captain is very intelligent- I could see this from my time working with the barrier. I am not surprised they would use your captain to their advantage."
"They disappeared from the Federation decades ago," McCoy murmured. "Hell, if they'd managed to survive their degenerating state, they would have vanished again. And looking for a Jim who was manipulated into disappearing would have been like looking for a needle in a galaxy-sized haystack."
Spock arched a brow. "It is to no one's benefit to calculate the numerous possibilities the Re'an could have used the captain."
"Spock, I can't help it. It's how I'm processing that any of this has turned out for the better good. And Jim is...he's..." The doctor's eyes narrowed. "Wait...you are struggling with these changes in Jim more than you let on."
"I must meditate," Spock said simply.
McCoy arched a brow. "Knowing that, it may be better if I remain here for both you and Jim. I can sleep even if he still has a habit of snoring once in awhile. If what Elise says is true, then after tomorrow, Jim will be more like our captain - and when he finds out these details, he will be furious to learn what their intentions were."
"He will be pleased to know that the Re'an's safeguards foiled their own plans," Spock said, countering the grim 'what-if' of the doctor.
"Leave it to Jim Kirk and his no-win scenarios." McCoy's eyes shone with pride. "Imagine that."
"Even in the morning, he will be more like the man you both lost," Elise regarded them calmly. "Be patient with him. He is experiencing strong emotions. They will rage like a wild river as he adjusts to himself. He will need both of you to help him, and may I suggest you be honest with each other about what you are feeling. Hiding your emotions from him will be detrimental to his healing, and if you are unsure, wait for word from me that it is safe to express yourself."
McCoy looked at Spock. "Tomorrow, Jim will find that we've never been more behind him."
It was with great pleasure that Spock silently agreed.
With only one thing on his mind - coffee - Jim made his way from the burrow that was his couch to the replicator. He knew Bones must be asleep on his bed. Bones' scent was easy to identify. Spock's was a lot harder but Jim only needed to try to use their bond to find him - he was sitting in a chair by the couch. Careful not to make any noise and thus disturb the meditating Vulcan, Jim was forced to take his time navigating his quarters. At least Bones had set his cane by the couch. He'd also attached a note to it, for which Jim was grateful. Jim smiled as he remembered the note and detoured to the table instead. More important than coffee was this small device. Bones told him that if he awakened early, he was to contact Elise using the comm on the table. Jim brushed his hand across the table and found his comm. He gripped it tightly in his hand and his smile widened.
This just wasn't any comm. It was his comm. It was part of his life, and it was freedom. So, after Jim got his cup of coffee, he commed Elise, who was staying in the best guest quarters available on the Enterprise. It was a fact which pleased Jim, and he made a mental note to thank Spock for arranging that for her. If she was here to help him, he wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. As soon as he knew she would be on her way in thirty minutes, he estimated ten minutes for himself to get ready, which was correct, and a remaining twenty minutes to comm anyone else he wished to talk to.
He sank onto the bed beside Bones, deciding that his best friend could put up with his disturbance more than Spock, since he was the one who wrote in the note exactly who would be awake at this early hour after all.
He commed Sulu first, a bit surprised he was at the top of the list but pleased because it was a short conversation for him to ease in to. Uhura was next on the list, which was perfect because by then, his pure joy at speaking with his senior crew became unease as he realized it must have been a set up.
"Uhura," Jim whispered as Bones finally stirred. "Why the hell are every single one of you up at this torturous hour? The list includes all of my senior command crew. All!"
Her smug smile came through the comm. "Captain, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't play games with me, Lieutenant," he said with as much authority as possible.
"Your comm is not only a communicative device, it's a way to talk with your friends." Jim swore she was laughing at him on the other side.
"At almost five in the morning?" Jim's voice cracked loudly.
"Christ, Kid," Bones groaned, shuffling the covers. "Keep it down."
"And Dr. Marcus is on this list." Jim felt like protesting on behalf of the science officer, who probably detested early shifts or being forced to be up in case an absent, slightly reluctant captain happened to comm her.
"Of course she is."
"She's number four, Uhura, after Mr. Scott," Jim tried to whisper. "I'm not sure she'll be up. She's the type that sleeps in, right?"
Uhura snorted, but she tried to hide it with a demure throat clearing. Sighing, Jim leaned back onto the closest pillow, which he now shared with Bones. He didn't blame Uhura for laughing at him. Jim knew perfectly well that Carol was the type who would get up early, especially if it was to get her hands on her work. The woman risked her own life for a doctor and a damn torpedo. Waking up early was nothing. Jim was just...he was...trying to find himself.
"Captain, let me explain," Uhura said softly, "Spock and Dr. McCoy both thought you'd need to spread your wings this morning and they assumed using the comm would be easiest."
"Yeah, it would be except I...I..." Jim sighed again. His friends had known exactly what he'd need this morning...almost.
"What's wrong," she asked gently.
"It's great, but..." Jim hesitated again, hoping he wouldn't seem ungrateful.
"Captain," Uhura said, "I won't understand what you need unless you tell me."
"I need to talk to my mom," Jim finally confessed. Actually, he wanted to talk with his mom.
"I see," Uhura's tone softened more.
"It's been weeks...and since we have a better relationship than before and I haven't contacted her lately, I think she'll be worried."
Jim didn't think he talked to his mother more than once or twice a month, but it had been well over that, already. It was at the back of his mind that although they had shared tragic history and an even greater shared history of miscommunication, he could not wait much longer to speak with her. Maybe now that he understood a little more he would be more capable of answering her questions. Or, hell...maybe by the time Uhura found where his mom was to contact her Jim could finally know enough to actually explain what happened to him.
"Okay," Uhura said gently. "Would you like me to arrange for a time to speak with her later?"
Jim took a deep breath. "I'm not sure how long today will take with Elise...so maybe..." He thought again. He'd know more by tonight, he was certain. "Yes, Lieutenant, I would like to speak with my mother later tonight."
"I will contact her with your request, Captain."
"Thank you, Lieutenant. Kirk...Kirk out." He finished quietly. Heart no longer racing, he rested his hand on his chest, tapping his fingers and waiting for his friend to speak. He knew Bones was awake by merely listening to the doctor's breathing. And whenever Jim mentioned Winona, Bones became Jim's own mother bear. His friend didn't disappoint.
"Ya think that's wise, pal?"
"She's different now, Bones," Jim said, not really knowing how he knew that. He could hardly picture his mom but it was a feeling he had, and he had an even crazier feeling wanting to speak with her. "Interested in my life, for one."
"She is," Bones said simply.
Jim frowned. "You sound like you know something."
"Archer may have slipped her a note, Jim, a few weeks back." Bones yawned. Jim sensed him moving around, getting comfortable again.
"Oh," Jim frowned again. "That's...fine, I guess."
"It was a small breach of your privacy, Jim," Bones said quietly. "I wasn't aware until Spock told me."
"I can't be mad at Archer, Bones." Jim couldn't be too upset, especially since it was Archer's handiwork which allowed Jim to remain on the Enterprise. "He and mom...they do go way back."
"That they do," Bones mumbled. "Chalk it up to him looking after ya, alright?"
"Sure," Jim said absently. He nudged Bones in the ribs, urging him to get up after like he'd asked in the note - Wake me up after you use the comm. "I know it's early, but Elise will be here soon."
"I need to be there with you," Bones murmured. "Don't start without me. I just need a few minutes - and coffee."
"I know. I won't. And...I'll get your coffee." With a slight groan Bones moved away, now probably sitting on the edge of the bed behind him, Jim surmised. "Bones?"
"Yeah, Jim?" Bones said quietly.
"Thanks." He meant for the comm...for everything, but he kept it simple. He wasn't sure he could get into all of that without emotionally compromising himself and then recover before Elise arrived.
"Thought you would like it, but I admit the comm was mostly Spock's idea. The list was mine."
"Yeah, I did like it. It's...it's good," Jim paused. "And...I'm happy you have Jo, Bones, and that she's safe now."
Bones took a sharp breath. "I should be thanking you, Jim."
Jim shook his head. "No, we watch each other's backs. Like you said."
Bones made a noncommittal sound. "Yeah, that we do."
Jim glanced over his shoulder at Bones' gray form. "Bones, I'm sorry for interrupting your sleep. I know you need it."
"Think nothing of it, Jim." Bones sighed dramatically. "I'm a doctor, not a beauty pageant queen."
Jim gave a short laugh, grabbed his cane and coffee cup by the bed, and left his own bedroom to allow the doctor some time to prepare for the coming day. He wasn't oblivious to the intensity of healing that was coming. He'd awakened feeling different. He didn't know how much, though, and having the note beside him with specific instructions yet freedom within those instructions had given him focus. Just as Bones told him that he'd never let Jim go, Jim decided he could never let any of his crew go, beginning with this faithful, selfless country doctor - and the Vulcan who smoothly took Jim's cup of hot coffee out of his hand.
"Spock," Jim grinned, thankful that he didn't have to concern himself about spilling the beverage as he walked. "Thanks."
"You are welcome, Jim."
And that is why, Jim surmised, the captain redirected the snakes to save his crew in that damned sacred room in the first place. No matter what they all might think, what Jim was dealing with now was a small price to pay in exchange for the lives of his family.
McCoy waited on the edge of his seat. They were about to begin for the day, and Jim had to sense something was coming - his pulse raced, his brow gleamed with perspiration, and his eyes flickered from Spock, to Elise, and to McCoy.
"Before we begin, captain, your friends wish to tell you what happened after they rescued you from the Re'an." Elise leaned forward in her seat and grasped Jim's hands in her own. "But I need you to relax."
"Sorry," Jim gave her a weak smile.
"Don't apologize," Elise said softly, her words already seeming to have a calming effect on Jim as he settled back into the couch. "You are remembering things this morning and I have no doubt that it is overwhelming. Although you are a strong, resilient man, your emotions run deep and today may be difficult for you."
"I understand," Jim said. "But, I'm ready."
"I know you are," Elise smiled. With a nod, she turned to McCoy.
"Jim, when we found you on Re'an V, you had been beaten," McCoy said quietly.
"By the Re'an guards," Jim replied.
"You remember." McCoy glanced at Spock. They had both assumed Jim would recall some of the mission today, given the way the healing went the night before. An opaque barrier meant that these memories, if they were still there, would either need guidance by Elise or slip by naturally. Spock did not want to abuse his bond with Jim and Jim's inability to control the bond, so the Vulcan had not pressed into Jim's mind. They were dependent upon Elise's guidance - and Jim, himself - to know how to proceed.
"They came in like bees - swarming." Jim frowned. "Lequa encouraged it in the end...he..."
"He did what, Jim?" McCoy pressed.
"He told them I liked it. They hit harder."
Pain slammed into McCoy's chest. "Dammit, Jim..."
"It's alright, Bones," Jim called softly. "I blacked out towards the end, I think, at least until the meld began. But, it's over, and I'm here and...you are, too, well...all of you...and that's what matters most to me."
McCoy took a careful breath. "And we're thankful, Jim, but we want you to understand the other side, the things you may not remember yet and the things you don't know."
"What do you mean, Bones?" Jim asked evenly.
"The beating did a number on your body, Jim, but so did the meld. While you were healing from your contusions, surgeries, broken bones, and infection in your leg, you were also in a catatonic state."
Jim's eyes flickered with an unidentified emotion. "I was...what? Catatonic?
"For eighteen days, Jim," Spock said.
Jim licked his lips, appearing like he wished to speak, but then he merely set his shoulders, his impassive expression and body language reflecting his control. In truth, it was a captain look if McCoy ever saw one. Jim was thinking - and thinking hard. And that was why both he and Spock waited for their captain to speak.
"They spared nothing in the way of strength," Jim finally replied, "and the meld - I tried to fight with what little fight I had left, because by then, I knew you and Spock were still on planet. I could see a little bit into the boy's mind at some point during the meld the first time. I wanted to get out to help you, but I failed. I guess I'm not surprised that happened."
"We believe the beating was how your eyes were damaged, but the meld's effects hid that damage from our scanners," McCoy said, anxious to explain to Jim the next procedure available to him. "Hiding it was meant to hurt you, but it also allowed for a little natural healing of the optic nerve. Although the nerve isn't functioning properly, it was able to withstand the small procedure that allows you to distinguish light from dark."
"So it was a good thing..." Jim murmured.
"In a way, yes, and it's not the only safeguard the Re'an did that ended up being a positive thing in the long run," McCoy said. "We believe that we can build upon this procedure with another one. And from that...you have a chance, Jim. A small chance, but a chance just the same."
"For my blindness to be reversed?" Jim's eyes widened, showing the first strong emotional reaction since Elise arrived.
"Yes." McCoy could hardly keep the excitement from his voice. "It may take some time, but...Jim, I'm not going to doubt what this surgeon can do."
Jim's blue eyes pooled with liquid. "I didn't expect...I...really...really don't know what to say."
"Say yes, Jim," McCoy said, "because the surgeon arrives later today."
Jim agreed to the procedure without hesitation. It would be either tomorrow or the next day, depending upon what Elise accomplished with Jim. After Bones conversed with the surgeon, the next step began - giving back the knowledge and skills Jim needed to command his ship. Since Bones was concerned about Jim's vitals and during the process Jim would be unable to speak, he was fitted with a monitor cuff around his arm and one on his chest.
"This would be easier if we used nanotech," Bones murmured.
"To always know what's going on with me?" Jim's brow furrowed. It was a bit intrusive, but he knew his friend wouldn't take advantage of that.
Bones hesitated. "Yes. The procedure tomorrow dictates that I know what's going on with your eyes at all times. Might as well do it for the rest of you."
"Would it help?" Jim asked quietly.
"To keep you healthier? Yes," Bones replied, adjusting the small patch on Jim's chest.
"Then...do it."
"Are you sure?" Bones dropped his hands.
"It'll make things easier for you, not just me, right?" Jim asked patiently, feeling a little like the table were turned.
"There's more to it than that, like your privacy, Jim."
"Bones, after all of this? It just makes sense."
"If it's what you want..." Bones began.
"It is," Jim nodded. "And I also don't want you to worry that I'm saying this just to appease you. I'm not. I want it done. If it's easier for you, than it's easier for me."
"I'll make sure we take care of it soon, then, Jim," Bones said. "But only-"
"Bones, it's already decided," Jim said firmly. "It's a decision that I feel is important, and you know I'd rather spend as little time as possible in sickbay. Not that I don't love to spend time with you, but I sort of remember going there all too often."
"Got that right," Bones grunted. "Fine. I'll make it official."
"Thank you."
"You ready for this?" Bones asked, handing Jim his shirt.
"Yes," Jim said, then shrugged his shirt on a bit awkwardly, wincing when he twisted his arm. Bones had to have seen that.
"Is the pain too much?"
"Just when I use it," he said honestly.
"I'm giving you something, then," Bones said without hesitation.
Jim sighed inwardly. Maybe he'd been too honest. "Bones, I'll just be sitting here," Jim protested.
"Maybe you're not going to use that arm all that much during this session with Elise, but I need you comfortable and so does she." Bones pressed the hypo into Jim's neck. "It's not a high dose, so you won't be going all loopy on us, alright?"
"Fine," Jim said quietly. He wanted this to go as smoothly as possible. This was, in his opinion, the most important session he could have. To regain his knowledge about this ship and the skills needed to run it? The ship he still couldn't quite see how he loved so much?
You'll feel the same way once more, Captain, I promise. It may not be today. It may not be in a few days, but I promise that feeling will someday return.
As Elise spoke to him quietly in his mind, Jim felt the effects of the pain medication and the ache in his arm ebbed. Bones settled into a chair beside him. Jim sensed Spock hovering nearby, watching him, maybe even anxious at the way Jim had suddenly gone quiet.
And if I don't feel the same way again? What happens then, Elise?
Of what are you really afraid, Captain?
That I will disappoint them. That I will be too...too... Jim swallowed, closing his eyes as he couldn't find the heart to finish the words to his greatest fear.
You are different, yes, but you will see that you are very much like the Jim Kirk in your memories. You are damaged - it cannot be helped - but you are resilient, Captain, and surrounded by friends.
They know. Jim's heart broke all over again. How can they keep doing this...helping him when they knew? I am too Re'an, Elise. I'm too -
You are James T. Kirk, no matter what the Re'an have done to you. You are loved by your friends, loved by your crew...I have witnessed this both in speech and in action. Have no doubt, Captain, they embrace you today just as they will tomorrow.
A tear slipped out of the corner of Jim's eye, and it was not his own hand which wiped it away.
Captain, do not despair.
"Spock?" Jim strangled out the name as a whisper.
Yes, I am to calm you so Elise can begin.
Jim huffed a breath. "Calm. Okay. I'm only...but...shit...Spock? Bones? I can't...I can't do this," he leaned back, eyes watering as he stared at the ceiling.
"You can, Jim. Elise is correct," Spock said gently. "You have been through a struggle which only strengthens your ability to captain this ship and crew. Every one of your past experiences gives you insight, fortitude, and a renewed sense of compassion, including this recent mission with the Re'an. We will be respectful of the changes made in our captain, for while our allegiance demands it, we freely offer it and our love for him embraces all that he is."
"It's not going to be as easy as that, Spock," Jim swallowed. "How can it be that easy?"
"That is why we have each other's backs, Jim, remember?" Bones said softly. "And Spock isn't saying that it will be easy, but being part of your crew? Staying right by your side where we belong? That is easy, Jim. The way I see it, you're my best friend, Jim. That hasn't changed a bit. You're Spock's, too, you know, and hell, Jim, I really don't see how anything would ever come between the hobgoblin and his bond buddy."
Jim sniffed and gave a small laugh.
"So are you ready?" Bones asked. "To become all captainly again? In my opinion, you've already made huge steps getting there already, Jim, but just haven't noticed it for yourself yet. It will take time, and we're ready for that."
"It will be our pleasure to help you as you adjust," Spock said. "While we await your progress after the procedure, it will be only fitting to have you aboard, Jim. Not one crew member of the Enterprise is looking for a new captain. You are our captain, Jim. There is no one else worthy to sit in that chair."
Their captain? No one else worthy? Even with...with this side to him that they never asked for, let alone Jim? He could hardly breathe without feeling an ache in his chest. This probably wouldn't be the last conversation they'd have on the matter. He was worried they would someday resent him, resent the new thoughts in his head that reflected the Re'an culture. In fact, Jim somehow realized they were more upset than they let on, but despite their conflicted feelings, they were going to take him for who he was. They really wanted him, and the Re'an part of him would not stand in their way.
Yes, they do want you, dear Captain. In fact, they are unwilling to move forward without you. Do not underestimate their love for you nor the love you have for them, no matter the growing pains you may all experience in the upcoming days. But do not be discouraged. I am not leaving. I will come alongside to help you. "It's time, Captain, if you are willing." Elise asked.
Jim steeled himself. He would do everything he could to help them move forward. They deserved far better than he but the truth was, he wanted them by his side as much as they wanted him. Selfishly, maybe Jim wanted that even more. "Elise? I'm ready."
The captain walked out of his bedroom ten hours and twenty-two minutes later, disoriented as one would expect after an intense telepathic healing session and a subsequent nap. He leaned heavily against the doorway and closed his eyes. Spock held back, scrutinizing the captain as he took the time to rub the stubble along his jawline and just as slowly found his way to his table and chairs. The captain appeared worn and tired but determined to be in their presence. Spock would not let Jim falter, but neither would the doctor.
McCoy took the captain by the elbow, guided him to his seat, and offered him coffee.
"Bones, just what I needed," Jim said softly, hands wrapped around the warm mug. "Thanks."
"You're welcome, Jim."
The captain took a sip, face twisting in concern before turning his head towards his sitting area. "I thought...isn't Spock here?"
"Of course he is. Why would you even think he'd leave his bond buddy after a session like the one ya just had?" McCoy quipped.
Jim's lips twitched up, and Spock found himself wanting to offer a rare smile in return. "Indeed, Jim, why would I leave."
Spock approached, aware that Jim's eyes, while they did not locate his face, intently focused on him just the same. Then, Spock did not seek permission but sat down across from the captain and clasped his hands on the table - and waited.
Jim took a sip of his coffee, lingering in a moment of what seemed to be complete contentment as he tasted the beverage. He set down the mug, eyes as brilliant as ever and his mind a rich combination that was, if Spock could venture, an even more intriguing mind than he'd ever imagined, the Re'an part included.
Jim cleared his throat and uttered the words Spock had longed to hear for what was sure to have been almost an eternity. "So, Spock." Jim leaned back in his chair with a lazy smile that reached his eyes. "How's our ship?"
Author's Note: Sniffs. Wipes tear. It's okay to be sad for Jim - and for McCoy and Spock. Gosh, to be honest, I'm quite sad about it and I'm the author. :( But also be happy - Jim still has those qualities which will make him a great captain, even if he isn't the same man as before. Those attributes are the same, but the road a little different. I wouldn't say he is half this/half that but a Jim who was weathered a bit and has Re'an sprinkled throughout. He is not the same and he knows it, but he's still the captain we know him to be and his crew is right there with him.
There's more to come, including more of Soona and Elise, especially Elise. Also, captain's logs...more crew time...more Triumvirate time...the procedure...oh...and a scene which I have had on my mind since August that I cannot wait to share, which has something to do with the chess set sitting on Spock and Nyota's table. :) Thanks for reading, and if you drop me a review, thank you so much for that, too! Writing this story has been a greater task than I ever expected and those reviews really do inspire. Many thanks to Rubyhair for beta reading! I am honestly not sure I could've continued this story very well without a beta reader, so I am incredibly grateful for your assistance. :)