If I owned DGM, there would be a special episode where Ciel Phantomhive and Sebastian visited the Order.
Bruise
Chapter 18: Hello
Playground school bell rings again.
"Eat more," Kanda growled, pushing a plate of fried chicken toward me. Having eaten ten plates of random foods already, I shake my head, "No, I'm full."
Glaring at me from across the table, he says, "Stop trying to fool me. You can eat double what you already have, and then some. Plus, you didn't eat breakfast."
"Not hungry," I mutter childishly, looking down at my lap.
"Aren," he says, and I glance back up at him. "I'll call you Aren the rest of the day if you eat a few more plates and the same for dinner."
Considering this, I look at the plate. I was really hungry, but I didn't want to eat more, especially in front of Kanda. He probably thinks I'm a glutton, which I am, but I didn't like showing him that part of me. It's disgusting in his eyes.
"Stop it."
"What?" I ask, staring at the tempting plate of chicken fried in grease. Sighing, the bluenette says, "Stop degrading yourself. I don't know what's going through your head, but whatever it is stop."
Rainclouds come to play again.
Smiling, I tilt my head in a look of boyish innocence, "What are you talking about? I'm not―"
"And stop trying to fool me with that clown mask of yours. Just eat," Kanda interrupts brusquely, and I look down ashamedly, whimpering at his harsh tone. When he hears how callous he sounded, he silently puts down his chopsticks, standing and moving to sit in the chair next to mine. Not looking up, I watch him out of the corner of my eye before he moves my chin up and to the side with his hand, and I meet his gaze timidly. For some reason, I feel like a scared rabbit hiding in its cage as if Kanda was going to hurt me, and he seems to notice the fear in my eyes, sighing in defeat.
"Look," he begins, "you can tell me that you don't and everything, but I think you have purging anorexia. I just want you to eat like you used to."
Nodding, I take a deep breath. It won't hurt for him to know about this like it would if he knew about Lavi, so I can come clean about it. Though, I can't do it like this when he's staring at me. Pulling away from his hand, I gaze at my lap, fumbling my hands as I admit, "I have it."
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
"What?" he asked confusedly, my explanation obviously not very good.
"I have purging anorexia, Kanda," I repeat quietly, still not looking at him.
Suddenly, I feel arms around me, practically crushing me, and I stutter, "K-K-Kanda…?
"It's Yu," he murmurs in my ear. Relaxing in his arms, I sit there in silence, trying to ignore the stares that were boring into me on all sides. Does Kanda realize how…caring…he looks right now?
"Y-Yu…?" I whisper as he releases me, and he watches me wistfully, seeming to be contemplating his next move. After a moment, the bluenette orders, "Eat."
Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to…hello….
Oo_oO_Oo_oO
"Why would you do something like that?" Kanda asks, sitting across from me on my bed. Shrugging, I mutter, "Why not?"
At this, he looked so aggravated that he wanted to smack me, and I wouldn't blame him, considering that I was longing for a certain plastic and metal cutting device. A drop of sweat down the back of my neck, the suffocating material on my chest and arms irritating me, and noticing this, Kanda says, "You can take it off."
The weight of judgment on my shoulders lifted slightly at his words, but I still couldn't bring myself to remove my shirt, even though my body screamed for me to stop trying to choke it. Glancing up from my lap, I see his loving gaze watching me, and I sigh, reaching down to grip the hem of my shirt before pulling it over my head.
If I smile and don't believe, soon I know I'll wake from this dream.
"Now answer my question, Moyashi," Kanda says. Glaring at him, I protest, "It's Allen, BaKanda."
Okay, so maybe I should have thought this through better. Yeah, Yu, I decided to start purging after that day you made your little comments about my eating and then I slapped you. Remember that? So, you know, this is kind of your fault. Right, like that's going to happen.
But at the same time, I was tired of lying. I was tired of always pretending to be happy when I'm bleeding on the inside.
I needed Kanda to save me from this crap I'm sinking into faster than I can climb out. But he can't do that if I don't come clean about everything, and I can't do that. Maybe he'll understand why I would want to purge.
"If I tell you, will you get mad?" I ask quietly.
"Why would I do that?" the bluenette replied before his cobalt eyes widened. "No…you didn't after I…?"
Staring at the sheets between us, I barely nod, not even certain if he saw it. Silence washes over the room, and I glance up at Kanda through my bangs, finding him glaring at his clenched-white fists.
Hesitantly, I crawl closer to him until my face was inches from his, and as I look into the sapphire pools, I say, "It wasn't your fault, hear me? I already had image issues, and it was just what tipped me over the edge."
"It still happened because of what I did," he bitterly muttered, his gaze shaking slightly. I'm officially a moron. I shouldn't have told him that. Horrible mistake.
Don't try to fix me; I'm not broken.
Something stirred inside me. What was it? I may never know, but whatever it was, it compelled me forward. Well, not me. My lips.
It didn't matter to Kanda that I kissed his cheek softly instead of his lips because he was shocked either way, staring at me with a stunned expression. Blushing in realization, I jump back, looking down regretfully as I sit in my original position, and I whisper, "It's not your fault."
The bluenette snapped back to reality quickly, but he still didn't look convinced. Though, I didn't have time to worry about that because my face was on fire, and that's an issue in my mind. Plus, I didn't get much sleep last night. Too many nightmares.
A yawn escapes me, and I put my hand over my mouth in a feeble attempt to hide it, eyes closing instinctively. When they open again, I see Kanda watching me with a hint of an amused expression, and I blush, looking away and mumbling, "What?"
"You look cute like that," he replies, and my blush darkens. Snagging my pillow and propping it against the wall, I curl up with my head resting of the cushion, but my strawberry flush didn't go anywhere. My ears pick up chuckling behind me, and I bury my face into the pillow, trying to hide it from the samurai.
"What? You don't like compliments?" he asked, his hand resting on my hip. Trying to ignore the heat in my cheeks, I say into the pillow, "I do, but I don't get them very often. Other than you, that is."
As I roll over to face him, Kanda says, "Well, I'll make sure to cut back."
"No!" I squeak, my blush returning full-force. Shyly looking at the bed, I reword, "I-I don't mind compliments, so please don't stop giving them to me."
Nodding, he changes the subject, "Did you get any sleep last night?"
Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide.
"Not really," I admit. He was about to say something when I let out a squeak of realization, blushing furiously as I move to the head of bed, and I pull back the blankets, dragging out a red and black jacket. Avoiding Kanda's gaze, I hand him his exorcist jacket, and he takes it, asking, "Did you sleep with this?"
"No," I lie too quickly, flushing to the point that I thought blood would burst from my cheeks.
Instead of questioning it further since I obviously lied, he asks, "What are the nightmares about?"
Again finding comfort in my pillow, I shake my head, "Nothing."
I hear a sigh before his hand rests on my cheek, caressing it softly, and Kanda says, "I want to help. I really do. But that's impossible if you don't tell me what's upsetting you."
"You can help without knowing."
"How?"
"Lavi's on a mission, so you can sleep in here tonight," I murmur. After a moment of silence, I glance up at him, finding a shocked expression on his face at my request, and I emotionlessly add, "But I don't really care either way."
Don't cry.
oO_Oo_oO_Oo
Like heck you don't care! Karou thought bitterly, not really understanding why Ally had to be so hot and cold. Though, as he looked down at the blushing girl, he couldn't help but internally smile at the look of innocence on her face.
"If it will help, I'll stay as long as you want," he promised, leaning back against the wall.
"Thank you, Yu," Ally said, sitting up and standing from the bed. "I'm going to take my shower. When I'm done, you can take one, too if you want."
Karou nods, watching the whitette walk into the bathroom after she got her clothes to change into later, and he chuckles quietly at how hot she looked when she did that. He's not even sure if she notices how her hips sway when she walks, but it was a nice view for him. Not that he looks at her butt or anything. Right….
Allen just asked me to sleep in his bed with him. That's something, right? the bluenette wondered. Silently, he sighs, looking at his jacket beside him, Karou and smirks, imagining the angel-like face nuzzled into the fabric.
Oo_oO_Oo_oO
Water drips off the ends of my snowy hair as I stare at the bleeding cuts on my legs―three of them. Why did I even cut this time? Nothing bad happened. Well, I take that back, because Kanda now knows about my eating disorder. Ugh, I still hate admitting that I have purging anorexia, but nothing I can do about that other than stop. Nope, not happening.
The hot water seeped into the wounds, and I hiss at the painful sting, standing from the bottom of the tub to begin washing my hair.
A sigh escapes my lips as I reach for my new shampoo. Dollar General ran out of my normal product, so I'm now left with "Enchanted Forest", which is a very girly, fruity scent that reminds me of coconut and lime. Give me a break; it was on sale!
A few minutes later, I step out of the shower, hurrying to get the gauze on my wound because I was getting slightly woozy from what I can only perceive as blood loss, and I dress the wounds quickly, trying to make as little noise as possible.
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping.
When I finally do exit the bathroom, I'm dressed in sweatpants and an open, white button-up that was obviously too big for me, but I didn't really care.
"Where did you get that shirt?" Kanda asked from the bed. His hair was out of its normal high ponytail, and he was sitting in a meditating position, but his eyes were watching me curiously. Thinking for a moment, I sit beside him and reply, "Lenalee got it for me a few years ago. Yard sale or something."
I jump when I feel a warm hand on the back of my neck, pulling the back of the collar of the shirt, and Kanda says, "Or my closet."
"Huh?" I ask, confused as he pulls away. Rolling his eyes, he explains, "That's my shirt, moron. I lost it around that time."
"How do you know?"
"The tags of most shirts don't say 'Made in Japan', followed by my initials in Sharpie," he muttered, lying back on the bed.
Blushing furiously, I sheepishly ask, "D-Do you want it back? I really didn't know."
Closing his cobalt eyes, Kanda shook his head, "No, not after a moyashi like you wore it who knows how many times. Lenalee will be explaining how you got it."
"She gave it to me for my birthday, but it was too big, so I wear it to bed most nights," I say, realizing that I had been sleeping in Kanda's shirt for the last three years. Standing abruptly, the bluenette turns to me and says, "I'm going to run to my room and get a change of clothes, and then I'll come back."
Not giving me a chance to reply, he was out the door.
Oo_oO_Oo_oO
"Let me see your arms," Kanda said, running his fingers through his damp hair as I was watched in fascination. It took every bit of self-control for me not to reach out and touch the tresses ever since he started the swift movement, and I'm pretty sure he knew exactly what he was doing to me. Looking down, I ask, "Why?"
He stopped, glancing away from the mirror to look at my form sitting on the vanity, and he says, "To see the damage you did. You said you had cut, but I didn't see them."
Hello, I'm still here.
Drooping like a wilting flower, I admit, "That's because I didn't cut my arms."
Kanda sighs, defeat etched into his features, and he asks, "Then where?"
I try not to look at him as I lightly land on the floor, shrugging out of my sweatpants before stepping out of them and taking my place back on the vanity, my cuts now visible. At this point, I really didn't care what he said, and so I only partially paid attention when he began talking.
"Why would you do this? Your legs were so beautiful," Kanda says, gently tracing the more healed cuts.
"I thought you said that I was beautiful anyways," I mutter, glancing behind me at the mirror that was still covered with glass marker. After a moment, I direct my gaze back to the samurai, he says, "I didn't mean that you aren't beautiful, because you are. I meant that you did something that you can't reverse. The scars won't heal."
"Idiot, I know that. I know that the scars will never heal. I know that you hate that I do this to myself. I know that I could kill myself doing this. And I know that I could do something harmful to my health by purging. Do you really think I care?" I respond. Staring at my cuts, Kanda says, "Then tell me what I can do to make you feel like you're worth something."
"You're doing enough as it is, Yu. Really," I say, hopping off the vanity to pull on my sweatpants again, and then, I walked into my room, moonlight bathing the room once Kanda turned out the bathroom light. The full moon outside made me smile slightly.
"The moon is all that it takes to make you smile?"
I glance at Kanda as he lies in the bed, pulling the blankets over his body up to his chest, and he rolls over, facing the wall. Taking a last glimpse at the white orb in the sky, I slip into the bed next to him, turning the opposite way he was with my back pressed against his, and I push my pillow as far away from my head as possible, letting my head rest flat on the blood-stained mattress.
"Do you think Lavi will think I'm cheating on him if we do this?" I ask quietly, my hands wanting to grip the black t-shirt Kanda was wearing.
"Why would he?" the bluenette replies. "It's not like we're going to have sex or something intimate like that."
He had a point, but still. I feel like something bad is going to happen….
All that's left of yesterday.
Author Note: Hm, does that count as a cliffhanger? I love them! Okay, I need some input: who wants me to participate in Yullen Week? I was considering, but I'm still not sure, so please, Please, PLEASE R/R! Hello-Evanescence.