Author's Note: I can't even describe the anxiety I felt after posting the last chapter and finally unveiling the scene where Jim regains his sight! And you all came through for me! You're the best! I am so relieved that it made the impact that I'd hoped it would. Most importantly, I'm so happy that you've stuck with me this long to get there! I realize that this story has been complex with its numerous layers and that's why your support has meant so much to me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!
Now about this chapter. Trigger warnings for this chapter include mentions of child (sexual) abuse. This chapter also contains a fair share of choice words. As a heads up, I will again refer to an experience Jim had as a fifteen year old, en route to find his mother. I believe it is mentioned in Chapter 27 and another chapter later on.
These chapters wouldn't be the same without my beta, Rubyhair. She's terrific! And, so are her ideas which, in turn, give me ideas! :) I am incredibly grateful for her assistance and inspiration. All remaining errors are mine, of course. :)
"Amazing," Dr. Sheffield breathed as both he and McCoy watched the screen above Jim's biobed.
Sheffield's nurse held Jim's head steady as a machine scanned his eyes. The nano-technology already relayed the information that the optic nerves were fully functional but this was one more step to determine exactly how permanent this re-firing actually was. Sensing the captain's desire to move from his reclined position and see the image for himself, McCoy kept a firm hand on Jim's shoulder. In fact, even before they'd left Jim's quarters McCoy held him back, for as soon as McCoy had calmed down, he'd realized the amount of strain the chess game had actually placed on Jim. Much to Jim's dismay, he'd refused to let him slip away to look at his beloved ship or comm his mother. The reason being? Simply put, Jim's vitals had gone haywire. When Jim's sight returned his body flooded with surges of adrenaline and cortisol. The mental exercise and meld, along with the sudden return of his full vision, had taken their toll. Before anything else, even giving Jim time to walk through his beloved ship, they had business to take care of first - business here in sickbay.
Sheffield shook his head in disbelief. "I have never seen anything like this in my entire career."
"Could this have happened without the surgery?" McCoy asked.
Dr. Sheffield, who had been typing furiously into the keyboard attached to the scanning device, looked at McCoy, then Kirk as his eyebrows waggled animatedly, like each was a living thing, "Honestly, can't say for certain but I am apt to believe it would have been impossible. The nerves had been healing at a remarkable pace this past week. Therefore, the surgery did increase the potential for the nerves to fire correctly. Mr. Spock projected the energy of the bond in the right direction." He looked down at Jim. "You, Captain Kirk, are a walking miracle."
Jim smiled, "Whatever you call it, I'm just grateful."
"I know you are," Sheffield nodded. He turned to the nurse. "That's all for now. I'll run another test tomorrow before we leave."
"Thank you, doctor," Jim said and stuck out his hand, his eyes roaming the doctor's face before looking at the still of his eyes on the computer screen.
McCoy smiled to himself. Jim's wide-eyed, childlike curiosity was no surprise. He acted like he was seeing things for the first time and the more McCoy thought about both that and the Re'an influences, Jim really was seeing his world for the first time. When Jim looked Sheffield in the eye, McCoy couldn't help but wonder if Jim's close observation of the doctor included the grey of his eyes, the beginning of laugh lines along the edges. McCoy had already caught Jim staring intently at Spock's ears like he'd never seen the points at the top before. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if the captain actually asked Spock later today if he could touch them. That thought alone provided more entertainment for the doctor than he'd care to admit.
Smiling, Sheffield shook Jim's hand firmly. "You are welcome, captain, I am pleased with this outcome."
"I'm free to go?" Jim asked, anxiously tapping his fingers on the bed.
"Yes, you are," Sheffield hesitated and glanced sideways at McCoy. "That is, unless Dr. McCoy has anything additional to say."
"You about covered it, including the limited physical activity for now so we don't accidentally reverse what just happened," McCoy said. He looked pointedly at Jim. "All I need to do is to double check Jim's vitals within the hour, making sure all levels are still normal."
After Sheffield and his nurse left the small room, Jim slipped off the bed. "I can't change your mind about the sparring? I'm dying to move around some more, Bones."
"And risk your pretty face getting smashed into the mats so soon?" McCoy replied, smirking. "Not on your life. We need to give this more time."
"Fencing?" Jim asked, eyes wide with hope.
"Nope," McCoy said as they walked out the door. "I can just see Sulu being a bit too zealous now that your sight's returned - and you being overconfident."
"Punching bag? That's a solo sport," Jim argued. "And no fists flying at me."
"Absolutely not," McCoy retorted, imagining just about anything going wrong with that one. Jim slipping or falling, included.
Jim made a face, downright sulking. "All that's left then is the boring stuff."
McCoy rolled his eyes upward. His captain was still a kid. Imagine that.
"Jim, you can lift weights with a spotter and run. It's plenty for most people." McCoy paused, knowing Jim was far from being 'most people.' He needed something - today. Especially today with his mother leaving. "What about...stargazing?"
That was calming and stationary - two things he'd like Jim to be about right now. Calm. Still. But Jim's eyes opened wide and bright and in an instant, he was dragging McCoy by the arm to the lift. "The observation deck. Why didn't I think of that before?"
"Wait, Jim..." McCoy protested.
"Maybe Mom can meet us there," Jim said.
"We just got your heart rate regulated. I don't want to see what almost happened earlier repeat itself," McCoy argued, almost tripping over his own feet as Jim manhandled him into the lift.
"Please, Bones? I don't have much time with mom leaving," Jim urged. He took out his comm, oblivious to the way McCoy now crossed his arms, scowling.
"Spock needs to speak with us before your mother leaves. Now, remember?" McCoy said, trying another approach.
As the lift door was closing, Jim commanded, "Deck six." Jim glanced over at Bones and smiled, saying, "That will be very convenient, then."
McCoy raised his arms in frustration. "Jim, that's not what I meant."
"Hold on, Bones," Jim said, lifting the comm. "Kirk to Captain Spock."
"Yes, Captain."
"Captain Spock, if you are agreeable and can spare them from the bridge for a short time, I would like the senior command crew to meet me on the Forward Observation Lounge in five minutes," Jim said, the smile lighting his face making McCoy feel like the biggest fool for trying to slow him down. Could he really blame him for wanting to see his home among the stars? And, damn if he was being all polite about it to Spock, too.
The lift stopped and they got out, heading for the lounge just as Spock replied, "Captain, I can allot you twenty minutes before I must speak with you and Dr. McCoy, along with your mother. I will gather your senior crew promptly."
McCoy frowned, the ominous tone of the Vulcan's request affecting him more than anything. But... Jim's mother, too?
"Twenty minutes? That's plenty of time," Jim said, seemingly unfazed. "This invitation goes to you, too, Spock."
"I will be there, Jim. Would you like me to also include your mother in this invitation?"
Jim immediately referred to McCoy. "Kid, that's up to you," McCoy said softly. "Do you want to do this now or see her for the first time alone?"
Jim hesitated. "Not sure but I do know we're short on time this morning." Jim moistened his lips licked his lips, biting on the bottom one for a few seconds in his indecision. "Spock, that's fine."
"We will arrive shortly."
"Good. Thank you, Captain Spock. Kirk out."
Jim slowly closed the comm, sending McCoy a sideways glance that was so compassionate that McCoy wasn't completely sure he was ready for what was coming. "So, Bones."
"What's on your mind, kid?" McCoy muttered.
"If I didn't say this already, it's good to see you," Jim said softly, his hand stopping McCoy in the corridor.
Jim's head tilted curiously as he watched McCoy. The mannerism was so unlike the old Jim that he had to glance twice at his friend. McCoy cleared his voice and his mind before he thought about that too much. It had taken a good thirty minutes for them to somewhat calm each other down, mostly for McCoy to stop being a foolish, blubbering mess as he realized Jim had regained his sight in the midst of his personal meltdown. "You said it more than a dozen times, Jim."
Jim had reiterated the heartfelt sentiment to each person, time after time already, so much that McCoy was sure that just by virtue of hearing it, none of them would ever take their sight for granted again.
Jim's expression quickly changed as he perused McCoy from head to toe. "If my sight hadn't returned..." Jim's voice faded.
"Don't say it, kid," McCoy muttered. He knew exactly what Jim was thinking, saw it a million miles away. McCoy hadn't given his own appearance, let alone his health, the time of day since Jim returned to the Enterprise catatonic. The tables were now turned. Now that he could see, Jim's obsession with McCoy's health was increasing exponentially.
"Bones," Jim said softly and crossed his arms.
"I'll shave tonight."
Jim shook his head. "That's not what bothers me, although it is a direct result of what worries me. Bones, I think you should let Dr. M'Benga examine you."
"Alright, alright," McCoy admitted, hoping his captain would drop the subject. "I haven't handled things well."
"That's an understatement," Jim said, unblinkingly. "But, it's also understandable, Bones."
"Maybe I should have taken another day or two off the past few weeks," McCoy hedged.
"Yes, you should have," Jim agreed. "But you have to focus on now, Bones. You will take a few days off, right?"
McCoy hesitated. Between barely getting his own paperwork done, taking care of Jim's needs, handling as much as his regular shift as he could, he wasn't sure he could make himself slow down yet.
"Bones," Jim's eyes held the warning of a captain. "I'll talk to Spock if you don't at least agree to two days."
"I want want to wait at least one more day, alright? Make sure everything's alright with you," McCoy explained. Jim threw him a speculative look. "It's a lot of excitement for one day, Jim, or did you forget that your body was under great stress already?"
McCoy smugly reversed the roles to what they should be - and what McCoy was most comfortable with. He, the doctor and Jim, the patient.
Jim flushed and began striding away as if to skirt around the topic. "I didn't forget. I'll take it easy, Bones, because I don't want to add to your stress. Thank you… for coming with me even though you need to check a few things soon. I guess... I guess I got too excited," When McCoy caught up and matched his stride, Jim looked at him sheepishly. "It's been so long, Bones... it's been..."
Jim stopped mid-sentence and stared ahead, expression completely dazed. McCoy had to smile to himself. Jim's unparalleled anticipation to see the stars dissolved any irritation McCoy may have had. He really couldn't deny Jim this, or anything else for that matter.
"Pushover," McCoy muttered. He added a fully performed scowl, giving Jim the grumpiness Christine had said he missed.
Jim grinned, a marvelous sight when his eyes sparkled with a happiness McCoy had long-since seen from Jim. "It was your idea, you know."
"Yeah, right. Just what I want to do. Look out into the depths of space, where there is endless disease and darkness..." McCoy paused for effect. "And now snakes."
"You know you love her," Jim said with a straight face. "Kinda hard not to, you know?"
McCoy would beg to differ but he wasn't going to argue with a man whose world had just been reopened to him much like the sun as it breaks through darkened clouds.
Jim half-smiled as they approached the Observation Lounge. "She's a little rough around the edges but when she curls up and relaxes against me, she's as soft as silk..."
McCoy's brows shot up. If he didn't know any better, Jim had literally fallen for his snake. Not that McCoy was surprised. He knew from the way Jim talked about pets in the past that whenever Jim had a pet, a rarity in itself, he'd loved the hell out of it before it was taken away from him. Jim's stepfather had a nasty habit of eradicating anything that had given Jim any happiness from his life. Friends, comms from his mom, food, books, music, movies - and Mudflap. Mudflap, the mutt Jim had rescued from starvation and hid in the abandoned Kirk barn, hadn't lasted a full month before Frank realized where the extra food was going.
Seven years old at the time, Jim paid for that one with a thick and wide, black strap. There'd been others, each and every single one ending similarly and tragically, except for the one time which had ended with a punishment worse than McCoy could ever imagine.
McCoy's stomach soured. Just thinking about it made his blood boil, and he wondered if that was one memory blessedly gone from Jim's mind forever. The Re'an could've used that one, much like the Tarsus experiences. As much as he hated to think about it, it was something McCoy needed to question Elise and Spock about. As Jim's physician, McCoy had a responsibility for both the physical and emotional needs of the captain. If that 'punishment' was still engrained in Jim's mind, McCoy needed to know, for up until the Re'an got their hands on Jim, it still haunted the young captain and affected him in a myriad of ways. And, there was no way in hell was he going to ask Jim if he remembered ever being molested. McCoy had already reduced himself to the title of 'worst best friend' for what went down during the Re'an mission. Reminding Jim of another horrific childhood experience, one that was incredibly damaging, would sink him lower than the Rinaxian sea bug, otherwise known as lightning lice. Maybe even lower.
Frank really should have suffered longer in prison rather than falling down the stairs and breaking his neck, and McCoy really should have built that doghouse on the no-good, stepfather's grave the last time they'd been in -
"She's also a little shy, Bones," Jim continued, breaking through McCoy's internal ramblings. "Or else you're too grumpy around her still because she hides her head under my arm when she hears your voice. She's..."
The snake was afraid of him? McCoy could hardly believe it.
Jim paused, directing a frown at him.
"Yeah, kid?" McCoy grunted.
"Bones, what does Sam look like anyway?"
McCoy looked at him in disbelief. "You're telling me that you know all that about your snake but you don't know what she actually looks like? And don't use the fact that you were blind as an excuse. There were other ways you could have find out."
Jim reached the door to the lounge first. He scratched his cheek, the creases along his brow deepening. "Well… no?"
"I don't know whether to laugh... or cry."
Jim gave a short laugh. "You have my permission to laugh at my expense, Bones. We haven't had too much of that lately," Jim said, grin easy and loose.
"All ya had to do was just ask," McCoy drawled.
"It is a bit ridiculous, isn't it?"
"I assume the thought just never crossed your mind?"
"I guess I was trying to get used to her just like everyone else. And I was too distracted today after my sight returned. Then we left for sickbay. So, tell me, Bones." Jim looked at him eagerly. "What does she look like?"
McCoy met Jim's gaze straight on. McCoy hated snakes like no other creature alive but he tolerated Jim's. Therefore, this was a pleasant question. It was not about a fucking, abusive stepfather. It was about a snake. About Sam. This was good, considering, and most definitely something best left to Jim to figure out on his own for the positive anticipation it would give him. "Well, Jim, you're going to have to just wait... and see."
Soon, the most wonderful seven days she'd ever had with her son would end, but she had a few moments left, at least. A few bittersweet moments, Winona amended, as she was halted by Acting Captain Spock outside of the Observation Lounge.
"Immediately following the captain's brief visit with his crew, I will first inform Dr. McCoy of your actions. He must be sufficiently prepared to assist Captain Kirk if necessary. Only then shall we proceed, Commander," Spock stated as they lingered.
"Yes, sir," Winona said.
"Have you reconsidered telling him yourself?"
She'd changed her mind the second she'd heard about his sight returning. It must have showed on her face for Spock did not wait for her answer.
"I believe that to be best in this situation and I will make the point to inform the Captain that it was your desire to do so," Spock paused, looking at her carefully. "He will take that in consideration as he listens."
"It won't change anything," she said, although she hoped that it would. She wanted Jim to eventually trust her again. She wasn't exactly coming clean of her own accord but at least she would not be cowering in a corner as she revealed her deception.
Winona never wished to end their relationship this way but if she stepped back and took a good look at the grander scheme of things, it was all that she could do. For at least a little while, she expected that her son would wash his hands of her. Things would never be again as they were now and the thought pained her so much that she closed her eyes and practiced a mental exercise to regain her emotional control. A minute later, she drew one more deep breath and opened her eyes. Spock had not moved a muscle in his wait.
She didn't apologize for keeping them outside the lounge, neither did she give the security officers now standing guard a second glance. Her first discrete perusal had already showed her they were two officers she would not manage to overcome own her own even if she'd wanted to do something as stupid as flee, and the Vulcan before her had a fierce commitment to her son that would prove a futile challenge. Instead, she followed Spock through the doors, dependent upon her training to keep her emotions and thoughts from straying.
But when Winona spied Jim, her heart lurched. It caught in her throat as she realized that pulling away from Jim would be one of the hardest things she'd ever done. Standing tall on the deck, his confidence truly having returned with his sight, her son was everything that she imagined he would be. He was everything his father would've wanted him to be, had he been alive. Jim's senior command crew surrounded him, the formalities vanishing as all, save Acting Captain Spock, touched their captain. Jim had managed to crack a smile from Lieutenant Sulu but the exuberant hug from the beaming Chekov elicited a quiet laugh from herself. As Winona hung back, the two women, Nyota and Carol, for she was now on first name basis with them, each hugged Jim warmly.
"This doesn't mean you're off the hook if I ever need fashion advice again." Jim's teasing filled the room.
Nyota gave him a sisterly smile, affectionate and doting. "Captain, I wouldn't dream of letting you down."
Winona rooted herself to the floor, standing apart even as Jim's laughter trickled around the room. He replied in a quiet voice, a murmur to Winona, but she strained to hear and caught his thanks. It appeared that he'd appreciated their help with his clothing, an incident Winona decided she wanted to know more about for she had never seen her son blush like that before. Nyota embraced him again. Mr. Scott was last, his remarks well worth the wait when a seamless grin filled Jim's face.
Jim was happy. He was happy and she, his own mother, was going to shatter this perfect ending in mere minutes. Jim would learn of her deception from her own mouth, how her absolute love for him literally drove her from his life. He would learn of many things and many other things she would keep to herself, such as the communique she needed to make to a certain enemy-turned-ally and, well, still enemy.
Lying came second nature as did skirting around the truth in order to keep her son from harm's way.
Then there was revenge - and Jim's snake - and that was a different matter altogether, she mused.
Her goal when she first spoke with Mr. Spock had been to instill fear. It was what they all were ordered to do should they be caught, no matter the situation. If the organization was feared behind closed doors, their enemies would fear them. If she was feared, in turn, her enemies would be less apt to try to control her by using the ones she loved.
Like Jim.
Winona always knew that if Jim ever joined Starfleet, they'd cross paths. She'd only hoped it would be when she was on her way out of Starfleet and not smack dab in the middle of it. And ironically, the only way to keep him from getting caught in the middle of the dangerous cat-and-mouse-game more than he already was, was to play her cards right. She had to make them afraid. Make them believe the organization would harm Jim if he didn't cooperate, or Jim's crew. It wasn't the question of whether or not her superiors would truly inflict harm. They only needed to look like they would cross that line, for on occasions, even the best of them had.
Winona pushed her hair back, vaguely observing her son as she turned her focus inward and fine-tuned her offense. First things first, Jim had to keep his mouth shut. If Archer or anyone else other than Jim discovered that there existed an organization whose sole purpose was to sabotage certain aspects of Starfleet, she might as well aim a phaser at her own head and pull the trigger. Then how would anyone ever manage to avenge those who'd suffered on that forsaken planet, their much needed supplies having been intercepted and destroyed ? Hers was a unique position and because of Jim, doubly gratifying.
"Mom."
The handsome, youthful face of her husband came to her mind as she looked into her son's shining blue eyes, and it was that on which she focused to begin the game.
Once the senior crew's brief celebration with the captain ended, Spock accompanied McCoy to sickbay. The moment of decision was quickly drawing to a close, the captain regaining his sight an unforeseen development that thereby demanded Jim's involvement in the situation at hand. But, first, Spock had to convince McCoy of this fact.
"What is the captain's current status?" Spock asked politely, both he and the doctor now in McCoy's office. He clasped his hands behind his back in an effort maintain his patience. Jim and Winona remained on the observation deck, two security officers hovering right inside the closed doors as the mother and son drew their visit to a close. Spock sensed Jim's growing unease about his mother, a frustration as he observed her behaving in a manner contrary to the past seven days. Distant in her emotional attachment and withdrawing from him with each passing moment. For these very reasons, Elise was on her way to the Forward Observation Lounge in order to remain near Jim until Spock returned.
Indeed, the issue of the captain's command required immediate action.
McCoy kept his attention on the device in his hand, his eyes moving rapidly across the screen. "His health? He's perfectly fine, now that the chess game is over and the adrenaline has dissipated. The visual exercise placed stress on his body, as did the meld, but now that he's received the proper treatment, everything is within normal range and steady."
"The bond between us strengthened beyond what I expected."
"I'll say," McCoy gave a dry laugh. "From what Jim described, combined with the adrenaline that shot through his body, it's no wonder his stats were almost off the charts. I should've been paying more attention."
"You were not in error."
"No?" McCoy cocked an eye. "You asked for me to watch over Jim and I did no such thing."
"No harm was done." Spock said quickly. "Therefore, I believe it is time to consider reinstating Jim's command."
"What?" McCoy's eyes grew wide.
"I am suggesting, doctor, that you declare him fit for duty."
"You gotta be kidding me! I'm all for Jim taking his rightful place, Spock, but he needs a psych eval. His stamina isn't even where it was before all this shit happened and did you forget that less than two hours ago he was still blind?"
"Both you and Dr. Sheffield have already confirmed that his optic nerves are fully functional."
McCoy swung his gaze from the readings to peer at him. "What is this really about Spock? There has to be a reason why you want Jim back in the chair so soon."
"A present issue demands his immediate attention."
"And you have to involve Jim?" McCoy crossed his arms.
"I must," Spock explained. "It is the logical thing to do."
"I don't like it. Are you sure that this issue isn't one that you can't handle on your own? His mother leaves today, Spock. He just regained his sight and that chess game...it was intense. I'm not sure I can agree to this, not unless I know the specifics. If it's a stressful situation, and I have a feeling that it is, you know what my answer will be."
"He must be given his command," Spock said again.
"If you tell me why," McCoy challenged, "perhaps I will grant it."
"His mother," Spock said, unable to keep his eyes from drifting briefly to a spot beside the doctor's shoulder. He again contemplated the amount of grief the captain would experience. It was inevitable. It was also unacceptable that Spock could not do more than soften or delay the hurt for his friend when the time came.
"What about his mother?" McCoy's voice gained a sharp edge for which Spock was prepared to hear.
Spock forged ahead, enunciating each word as much as possible. "The intentions behind this visit are not pure."
"What do you mean, not pure?"
"She has an ulterior motive," Spock said.
"That's impossible," McCoy's eyes flared with emotion. "She hasn't been anything but focused on Jim, and Jim... he needs this, Spock. If this visit isn't what it he thinks it is, what we think it is, it'll hurt him. What the hell is she up to?"
"I will explain her intentions in their entirety but only if you agree to speak only when I am finished. You must listen attentively to understand the situation in full."
"That's asking a lot, considering I have a bad feeling already about whatever it is that you have to say." McCoy frowned, sullen as he stared hard at the PADD in his hand.
It would be difficult for the doctor to hear. It would be worse if Spock was not given the time to explain the situation thoroughly. "We do not have time to stand here and speculate, doctor," Spock said to break the silence.
McCoy seemed to understand the urgency and relented. "Fine. I'll keep my mouth shut."
"Very well. Commander Kirk is here on behalf of a secret organization unaffiliated with Starfleet but one that she claims works to 'balance the powers.' Her ulterior motive is to gain intelligence regarding the Re'an's apparent involvement with the Orion slave trade. The Re'an traded dilithium for slaves, who were then used as memory resources," Spock said. "Commander Kirk is under the impression that Jim learned details about this agreement during the Re'an mission. She believes that to protect their secret, the Re'an were forced to twist this knowledge in Jim's mind, using Dr. Jahnas' death as a cover up and thereby relying on the assumption that he would feel anguished by her death and therefore never again recall their secret."
He paused, having seen McCoy's expression morph from bafflement to shock at the news of Winona's deceit. As the word 'dilithium' crossed Spock's lips, McCoy looked as if he would interrupt, but then he clenched his jaw, keeping his promise to remain silent.
"The commander is under orders to gain as much information as possible, for it is assumed that the reserves are great," Spock continued. "Furthermore, Commander Kirk informed me that if she does not acquire the intel demanded of her, they will send someone who may resort to other efforts in order to succeed. It is possible that this is a tactic to propel us to give her information. However, as their methods are clearly unorthodox, the captain must be informed of the dangers involved."
McCoy's mouth dropped open. He blinked his eyes four times at Spock, then clamped his mouth shut. It wasn't long before McCoy swallowed, took a deep breath, and opened his mouth to speak for a second time only to chose to seal it as before.
"I concur," Spock said softly. "This is a shock, as it will be for Jim."
McCoy rubbed the stubble covering his jaw, a nervous gesture, Spock assumed, or one to ground him before he responded to this precarious situation. But then, with a narrowing of his eyes, as if suspicious of Spock himself, McCoy uttered his first question with a rabid snarl. "So you're telling me that all of the love she's shown Jim this past week, it's all been a complete lie?"
Spock formulated his response carefully, for he must satisfy McCoy's curiosity but also convince McCoy to reinstate Jim's command. "It was not Commander Kirk's intention to hurt Jim after being so attentive to him these past few months. On the contrary, her actions reveal her affection for her son. She acted in an effort to prevent him from being harmed. Her actions over the past two decades also explain her absence in Jim's life since he was a small child, as her desire was to place distance between her and her work - and the ones she loved most."
"Distance, you say?" McCoy's eyes blazed, reflecting his rising fury. "And you want to tell him this before she leaves...because I'm pretty sure you haven't told him yet, right? About his deceitful mother, who is using his love for her in this twisted, fucked up way?"
"You are correct. It is my intention to speak with them both immediately following our discussion, with both of us present as support," Spock said quietly. "I became aware of her deception prior to the candlelight dinner that Jim arranged for his mother, having overheard her questioning Elise. I used the time since then to meditate and consider the possible actions we could take, coming to the conclusion that Jim must be informed of his mother's deception before her departure. There is too much at stake, doctor, and Jim is the only one capable of handling this unfortunate situation in its entirety."
"The dinner was your idea in the first place," McCoy said, eyes narrowed upon Spock. "You set her up, didn't you?"
"Indeed," Spock nodded. "It was my intent to corner her where she could not make a scene but be forced to reveal the truth."
"And did she? Tell you the truth?" McCoy asked, his words wound tightly around his anger. "Because there are a lot of fucking holes in what you just told me. She sure sounds a lot like Section 31 to me."
"I do not believe that is where her loyalties lie."
McCoy laughed bitterly. "I doubt she has any loyalties, if you ask me. And if she really tried to protect Jim, she had a pretty funny way of doing it. Almost his entire life, Spock. His whole damn life his mother's been gallivanting around the black as a traitor? In the name of love for her sons?"
"I concur that there seems to be more to her story but her actions appear to have saved Jim from harm up to this point."
"Have you thought about melding with her to find out the truth?"
"Due to the nature of the bond I have with Jim and the fact that I have recently suffered from mental attacks because of that bond, my very ability to properly and safely perform a mind meld with another party has been negated. I cannot risk it, doctor. The potential deleterious effects for both myself and Jim far outweigh any benefits that could be had. As far as utilizing Elise's telepathic powers, I have also determined that the risks far outweigh the benefits based on her relationship with Jim."
"So, you're telling me that this is the only way," McCoy scowled. "Placing Jim in the center of everything."
"Ironically, Commander Kirk's future must be placed in Jim hands."
"I can tell you right now where he should put her future," McCoy snapped. "Where the sun don't shine, in hel - "
"Leonard," Spock interrupted softly. "He must to be the one to make the decision about his mother. His heart is ready, doctor. He is of sound mind."
"This is his mother, Spock. He'll be emotionally compromised. She lied to him, got him to trust her, to forgive her... and then used him horribly. After all the progress they've made and now to see it thrown away? Their relationship will never be the same. So tell me, how is he going to be able to be in control of his emotions? Of anything? How will he be thinking clearly about this at all?!"
"His mind is focused on the good of the crew. You know this, Leonard," Spock reminded him. "It is a fundamental thought, the basis of his every action. It is, in fact, inherent in his nature as a Re'an as well as human. He will protect those for whom he is responsible, taking the task upon himself to do what is first best for his crew."
"That may be true, but it will affect him and we can't possibly predict how except to know that he will be devastated. Hell, with this new nature of his, he may place the blame entirely on himself for loving her in the first place, which ultimately has called more attention to his crew, endangering them," McCoy protested. "This week has been one of the happiest times in his life, despite his blindness. His mother, Spock. His damn mother has showered him with the affection he never received but always deserved. This could almost destroy..." McCoy's words seemed to died in his throat, but then he swore softly. "Dammit."
"Her deceit will not harm him irrevocably. I will not allow it," Spock said. "I will use our bond to calm him and steady his emotions. Dr. McCoy, please be advised that I would not suggest this if I did not have complete confidence in his abilities."
"I have confidence in Jim, too, but bond or no bond, Jim's very emotional health is on the line - again - and after all he's been through, after we've finally reached a point where I can actually breathe and you can function normally and he can be happy, I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it." McCoy set his jaw.
"This situation will not reach a reasonable or sufficient conclusion today without Jim's intervention," Spock said. "It is logical, doctor, to first reinstate Jim as captain of the Enterprise and give him this responsibility since she is his mother. He is also in the direct line of danger."
"I do realize that he needs to know about this. He probably could make more sense of this than us, having given thought to Winona's actions his entire life. But, this is this Jim, Spock, and I..." McCoy sighed and sank into his chair. "If this isn't a fucking variety show. Our very own Captain Pirate, Sam the Snake, and now... Mother Spy." He tapped his fingers on his desk, muttering, "Spock, I don't want to see him hurt."
"You also fear that he could lose parts of himself and the man he has become, broken once more," Spock said.
"It's possible," McCoy nodded.
"He will endure, doctor. The trials the captain has experienced will not go to waste."
McCoy stared at him curiously. "That's one way to look at what the Re'an has done to him."
"It is the only way," Spock confirmed.
"If he can handle becoming Re'an and everything that got him there, you're right. He really is capable of doing this," McCoy murmured. "He has proven that he can endure. Still, I would feel much better if you can help him in some way. Are you sure you can prevent him from feeling the pure agony of all of this? At least until he can make a sound decision - and get her off of his ship?"
"I am certain of it."
"It's gonna hurt," McCoy warned.
"Which is also why I believe giving Jim his command will strengthen his resolve," Spock explained firmly.
McCoy's eyes flickered with remembrance. "Resolve, huh? I suppose you're right...again. What I wouldn't give to see him order her off of his ship. Damn." McCoy rubbed his temple in circular movements. "It's gonna hurt like nothing he's ever experienced before. I don't think what he experienced in the manifestations will even come close to this, but maybe having some control will help him."
"Although I concur with your observation, if we delay, this only has the potential to harm him even more at a later point in time," Spock said.
"I'll do it," McCoy straightened his shoulders and began typing on his PADD. "It will be the fastest recovery-to-reinstatement in the history of Starfleet captains, but on two conditions." The doctor looked up with both brows raised high.
"Proceed," Spock said.
"Condition one? It's probationary," McCoy said simply. "He still needs those evaluations and he can't work full shifts for at least two weeks. My second condition is this: you will not get in the way if I see that he can't handle the stress. Neither will you prevent me from declaring him unfit for command."
More than satisfied with the doctor's decision, Spock nodded. "Those conditions are logical. Agreed."
Time passed all too quickly for Jim. More fascinated by his ship than ever before, Jim could hardly keep his eyes on one spot for very long. He felt like he had been reborn. He was enthralled by absolutely everything, from the simplicity of watching the smiles grow on his crewmembers' faces to the grand sights beyond the viewscreen. Though it was sad to see his friends leave so soon, Jim understood and promised them that they could spend more time together later tonight. Once the doors to the deck closed behind his senior crew, two security guards remained behind and conversed between themselves. He thought it odd but did not wish to intrude upon their conversation. It didn't matter to him that he and his mother weren't alone. Jim sat down beside his mother, both quiet company for the other. They'd said so much to each other already and what was left to say, Jim felt his mom already knew. He was thankful for this time with her and especially this - sharing their love for the stars. After all this time, it seemed fitting to end their visit this way.
Jim engrossed himself with the view beyond the screen, somewhat bothered by the continued silence when the air between them seemed to thicken all on its own. Finally succumbing to his curiosity, Jim glanced sideways at her in concern. He even squeezed her hand. She did not respond except for a weak squeeze back and a weaker smile. Feeling something that was too close to panic, Jim grasped at explanations that were reasonable but ultimately resorted to a numbing of his mind to ward off his anxiety, almost settling into the same safe place that Spock had provided him weeks ago. But then Elise entered not one minute later, slowly calming his nerves. Winona visibly tensed beside him.
"You and Elise don't get along, do you?" Jim asked Winona quietly, seeing that Elise had stopped to speak with both officers.
"I wouldn't say that, Jimmy," Winona murmured. Her cheeks dimpled only slightly and the smile never reached her eyes. "It's a bit complicated."
It was then Jim knew. This was intentional. This was distance that his mother was putting between them as they sat, silent. It wasn't contentment. It wasn't anything but a lie. His shoulders sagged, bearing the weight of something he'd felt countless times before. Abandonment. Sighing, Jim averted his eyes. He should have known she would show her true colors as she always did before and lie to him. He should have -
Captain Kirk, be mindful of your thoughts. There is much to learn here and I will take you through it.
Jim breathed out slowly. Elise, this is why you've stayed away. It's my mother. You sensed something. Her lies... her deceit.
Elise was silent.
What was she even she lying about? Her concern for him? Something else? Her very reason for being here? Was this why Spock wanted to talk to Jim and his mother?
"Dammit," Jim whispered, the world around him in slow motion as he stood up and moved away from her. "Dammit."
He walked closer to the viewscreen, bemoaning his desire to be loved.
She does love you.
He could never believe that again.
Don't lose your hope, Captain. But I must warn you. I will not be staying. You must do this on your own.
Elise, I don't understand.
I must go now. Commander Spock will be here with Dr. McCoy shortly.
Elise - wait... Jim turned, eyes cast towards the door but she was already gone.
And his mother standing next to him, somehow having put her hand around his arm without him knowing. "Jim, no matter what happens, I'm glad we had this time together. I love you - and nothing will get in the way of that."
Her words curled gently around his heart, kneading it and making it malleable to her love and direction. Pushing away her affection hurt. It hurt but it was necessary. He had to rebel against his mother and be prepared, as Elise had warned. Besides, the old him wouldn't have fallen for this. The old him wouldn't have allowed himself the luxury of feeling a mother's love. The old him had the unsavory memories of abandonment, of a false affection, ingrained. The new him did not.
He'd made a big, big mistake.
Jim pulled away from her. How could he have been so stupid? So...senseless to believe that it could last?
"Jim," she said quietly.
He didn't know how long he stood there, stoic and silent. His mother said his name again. He ignored her, and he shouldn't have ignored what the old him had learned about life. He should have been smart enough to ask Spock or Elise or Bones or someone else to drill those things into his head. Self-reliance. His mother's lack of interest in his life. The pattern of abandonment. All of it.
"Jim, I've declared you fit for duty."
Baffled that he hadn't even heard the doctor slip onto the deck, Jim spun around to also find Spock, standing next to Bones. "What? Are you crazy?"
Face drawn into an expression Jim couldn't decipher, Bones handed him a PADD. "You're back in business, Captain."
Jim took the device from him, confused. "You declared me fit for duty?"
"Read it," Bones said, indicating his head towards the PADD.
Still skeptical, Jim arched a brow at Bones but glanced down. Out of habit his fingers followed the letters, word by word, line by line. The official report confirmed it all. And then he read it again. Both Bones' statement and his signature were staring him in the face but Jim still glanced up in question. "Bones?"
"It's real, Jim," Bones confirmed, voice quiet.
Jim rubbed his jaw, feeling a flood of emotions. They really had reinstated his command. "But...why?"
Focus on me, Captain.
Jim searched his first officer's face and latched on to his warm expression as he requested.
"We have an urgent matter to discuss," Spock said, his eyes soft.
It is your mother, Jim.
"Commander Kirk has asked to speak with you," Spock continued, gaze holding Jim, beckoning him.
She has come here as a spy, wanting information that you may have learned while on the Re'an mission.
A Spy? What? How? What information?
"Because of the nature of the situation, I have asked security to stand outside these doors," Spock stated.
Coveted dilithium reserves. The Re'an traded their dilithium for Orion slaves. For memories, Jim...
Jim's world came crashing down around him. No. Spock-
Listen to me, Captain. Allow me to shoulder the hurt for you until you can make your decision.
"I never meant for this to happen, Jim, but I had no choice," Winona said.
She is conflicted. She is mournful of this situation, but she will continue to use you to get what they want.
Spock's strength of mind in his mind the only thing holding him together, Jim met his mother's tormented gaze. "Then tell me," he said. "From the beginning."
However, Winona didn't start at the beginning, as Jim had anticipated. And when she finished, all he wanted to know was - why? Jim silently swiveled his chair so his back was half-turned to her. He looked through the transparent aluminum windows seeing the reflections of three pairs of eyes upon him. Leaning an elbow on the table, with hand under his chin, he took his time developing his response. He paused in his decision-making entirely when the desire to feast his eyes on his Silver Lady and the star field beside her hit him like a phaser bolt to the heart. Irony had struck again. It seemed the universe just couldn't allow him the pleasure of enjoying even one good thing for very long.
After one last look at the world beyond him, Jim swung the chair back around and clasped his hands on the table. He'd based his reply on the few facts she presented to him. She was not forthright with their allegiance, nor did she allude to any solid fact about the true purpose of the organization. What little she did give him only fanned the fire within Jim to seek the truth.
"Your deception makes you a traitor, whether or not your intentions, as you so call them, are for the benefit of those you say you love," Jim finally said, his quiet voice still commanding.
Captain, I received the same explanation. Nothing more, nothing less.
Even if this really is a balance of powers, as she said, they are still dangerous. We don't know which side she is working for. More than likely she plays both of them.
I concur. Proceed cautiously.
His mother shifted in her seat. She bit her lower lips, losing her poise. "Jimmy..."
"Not only that, but you have managed to endanger both my ship and my crew," Jim said through clenched teeth. "I cannot possibly accept anything else you have to say."
Her eyes filled with hurt. "If it hadn't been me, my superiors would have sent someone else would have come to find you."
"No, that's not it." Jim said with a dry laugh, getting up from the table and starting to pace. "That isn't what has put us in danger. It's you. You let down your guard months ago. You got too close to me and allowed them to take a closer look."
"You're George Kirk's son. My superiors have watched you the minute you showed up on the Academy grounds, Jim. Just by the merit of your name you've been watched closely," she said, already out of her seat and following him. "What else was I supposed to do?"
Jim halted in his tracks by the windows. He spun around and stepped forward, his body towering over her. "First, I don't believe for a moment that you have many superiors - if any at all. You have tossed that idea out far too much for it to sound credible to me. Not only that, but you had too much freedom to come here as quickly as you did, even with Archer's assistance, hinting at a superior whose cover may be a captain. Or, am I to believe that you somehow managed to convince Captain Roark of the Isis to warp halfway here before Dr. McCoy even contacted you?"
Winona's resolve matched his own. "You can think anything you want, Jim - "
"You will refer to me as captain or Captain Kirk, Commander," Jim said coldly.
"Captain," she repeated.
Jim narrowed his eyes at her. She'd grown far too quiet too quickly after he reprimanded her. "Archer - does he know what you've been up to? Sam?"
Something flickered in Winona's eyes. "Sam doesn't know. He has a family now, on Deneva, Jim. And neither does Archer know, at least not to my knowledge."
"The old man's too old to get into this business," Bones muttered. Jim stole a glance at the doctor. He had great respect for Archer, even more so since he'd allowed Jim to remain on the Enterprise. Bones lifted his chin. "Well, he is. I'm not sure how he's even managed to live as long as he has but I doubt that he wants to spend the remaining days of his life dealing with the stress of a spy business from the view of his retirement home - when somehow it seems he isn't really retired. I don't understand how the hell that one works," He finished mumbling.
Jim nodded. "I believe that, at least."
"You believe a lot of things, seeing that I'm not in the brig," Winona said and looked pointedly at Spock.
Jim glanced sideways at his first officer. She was right, he considered, half-amused. And if it had been Jim who had known of this deception from the beginning, she would be pacing in the brig at this very moment. "I trust that my first officer's decision was based upon logic and not about providing you comfort."
"Indeed, Captain." Spock arched a brow. "It was my intention to provide security for the entire ship as well as keeping her deception from you until my decision had been made. She was no physical threat. It was sufficient."
"I understand this is a shock, Jim, but I still have my orders. I must talk with you about the Re'an and their dilithium reserves," Winona said.
"I know nothing," Jim gritted. "Both Spock and Elise can also attest to this."
"We need something. Anything. You need to try harder to remember -
"Have you learned nothing about Jim and his experience with the Re'an this week?" Bones' voice oozed with sarcasm. "In your search for intel, did you forget what they did to him? If Jim says he doesn't know, he doesn't know. And he won't be able to do any trying."
Winona shook her head. "He has to try."
"No, I don't," Jim said vehemently, surprised at his own passion. "I will not bend at will to those who work in secret, especially when they refuse to explain the reason behind their cause."
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I can't tell you."
"Then, Commander Kirk, you shall tell your superiors that I have no knowledge that would be of use to them. My guess is that neither does Soona, and if you or anyone else harms a single hair on her body..." Jim straightened his spine and broadened his shoulders as he allowed his unspoken threat to sink in.
When Winona made no effort to reply, Jim stepped towards her. He clutched her arm, glaring down at his mother and furious that she'd even hesitated.
"She is an innocent woman in all of this," Jim said through clenched teeth. "I swear, if you harm her, the woman who is like a sister to me, you will rue the day you ever stepped foot on my ship."
"I won't harm her and they won't, either," Winona amended quickly as his grip involuntarily tightened. "I have some sway. Not always, but some."
He released her carefully. "Still not the truth," he said, much calmer than he was a few seconds ago, thanks to Spock. "But it'll have to do for now."
Spock. It's not enough.
Understood, Captain.
"I would like clarification, captain," Spock interjected, leaning to talk softly in Jim's ear. "Otherwise, we will need to contact Admiral Archer immediately regarding the danger to Soona's life, thus revealing your mother's participation - "
"Wait," Winona said swiftly.
All three turned their heads.
"Jim is right," Winona said, glancing at them one by one. "He's right."
"Care to elaborate?" Jim clenched his jaw.
Winona drew a quick breath. "I don't have many superiors. It has given me the freedom to watch out for Jim - and also come here so soon, yes."
"But you do have plenty of friends," Jim said slowly as thoughts of his teenaged years raced through his mind, finally halting at age fifteen when she was one step ahead of him. She couldn't have done that… the thought was sickening.
Spock? Could she have?
It is a logical conclusion, Captain.
Winona nodded, hesitant. "We have those, yes."
"Pirates, for example," Jim sent her a sardonic smile. "Pirates who attacked this ship I happened be on after Tarsus, when I was fifteen and stupidly looking for you."
Her face fell. "Jimmy..."
Bones stepped forward beside him, his expression enraged. "God help me, if you were the one who -
"Bones," Jim warned.
He stopped the doctor with a firm hand, shooting a glare at Winona.
"Don't," he swallowed, narrowing his eyes, and when he continued there was an edge of danger in his voice that hadn't been there since Re'an. "Do Not Ever call me Jimmy again," he ordered, as the sounds of terrified children tore through his ears like a thousand crashing starships. "You no longer have the right. Children were frightened, Commander Kirk. I was frightened."
"They never harmed anyone," she said, raising her voice in earnest. "I did what was best for you and the other child - "
"No," he accused. "You did what was convenient for you, forgetting that you had nearly one hundred blind children's lives in your hands. Children, Commander, who may not have been able to see but they heard; they felt everything."
"It was all - "
"I can't accept that it was your only option," Jim railed, anger surging into every fiber of his being. "Do you know what it's like to feel fear when darkness presses all around you and you can't escape it? To feel helpless with your eyes open? To hear danger approaching you, to feel the fear shooting down your spine, knowing there is literally nothing you can do to stop it? To not know when the danger will strike? Or which part of your body will feel the pain first? Do you even know how it is to be fucking blind and terrified!"
Winona flinched away.
"Well, I do, Commander Kirk. I fucking do, and I'm twenty-seven years old," Jim snarled down at her. "If I was afraid, now imagine a three year old named Gracie pulling at her ears until they're red and swollen, a six year Inam so frightened that he pisses in his pants, and a ten year old Brenna who stands in shock until a man four times her size runs her over because she didn't know she had to move out of the goddamned way!"
"God, Jim, " she whispered. "I'm sorry. So - "
"I'm not done, Commander," he raged, chest already heaving.
She widened her eyes, lips pressed together tightly as they stared at each other. He wanted her to understand their differences. That he, the Jim Kirk who'd survived the Re'an, could no longer see the world as he once had. He'd understood the gray areas of life since he was a child, that knowledge becoming clearer as time went on and his own experiences had worsened. He'd even done questionable things himself, even bending the law to save others as a child, as a teen, and as a captain - and probably still would to save his crew, if he was to be honest with himself. But things had changed. He had changed. He didn't see the world as he once had - and he wasn't sure that he'd ever see it the same way again.
"Imagine dozens of blind children in the midst of what seemed to be a hostile attack, their screams haunting your dreams for the next twelve months just as you imagine their dreams were haunted. The horror that the others, who were truly blind, had been handed the same fate as you- kidnapped. Yet, you were the lucky one that could see and later save your own hide. You were scared and terrified and abandoned. But you were the lucky one," Jim rasped, voice thick with emotion. "That is why, Commander Kirk, I cannot accept your excuses."
"I'm sorry, Jim. You were the only one taken from that ship," she said. Her eyes filled with remorse. "The only one, Jim, because that was what they were told do, and you don't know what the other side of that star system held in store. But I - we - did, and the ship with the children -"
"Limped back to a Starbase, with terrified blind children in tow?" He accused harshly. "Far away from danger, right after a hostile attack by pirates? As if your excuses negate the experience, wiping it forever from their minds."
"You're right. It doesn't make any of it disappear, but you're all alive, Jim. And you were taken by them because I couldn't have you following me, because, damn..." She said with a dry laugh. "You were on to me. You were so determined and smarter than ever because of Tarsus. I knew you'd find me eventually but I couldn't let that happen, not with what we were uncovering."
"To protect us - and your cause," he said with a mocking smile. He didn't know if he could ever come to grips that this was her excuse for being absent all his life. He had never felt loved by her until recently - and now he was forced to try to find that love in this mess she'd woven around them. A mess he had no idea how to untangle. And some twisted part in himself wished that he did know how to untangle this mess and feel that love from her again.
"Yes," she answered heatedly. "We had no choice but to do what we did. You, of all people, know that sometimes you have to make decisions that are downright messy."
"Don't give me that," he hissed, furious that she had belittled the harm inflicted upon those children. "You should have found a better way. I would have found a better way."
"There wasn't one that wouldn't give away our leads," she said, her voice raising. "We're not with Star..." Winona clamped her mouth shut and looked away.
Captain, I believe that we can now ascertain that she is telling the truth regarding the organization's leadership. They do not operate according to Starfleet standards.
But they were Starfleet. His mother was an officer, leading him to believe there were others like her, treading the line between black and white. There are more, Spock. She can't be the only one within Starfleet working for this organization.
I concur. There must be others. Proceed with caution, Jim.
"And what exactly would your 'superiors' do to find out if Soona has the information you need?" Jim taunted. "If you'd frighten innocent children and order strangers to haul me away to keep your secrets, I assume you'd stoop to an even lower level to uncover more secrets from one woman."
"If you can give us one thing to go on, maybe I can prevent her involvement."
"Could you do it?" Jim questioned. "Could you ask her?"
"My methods are usually straight to the point, Captain Kirk," she said, face impassive.
"Explain," Jim ordered.
"I begin aggressively," she said. "But, I usually deal with more... volatile people."
His mother was one of the worst of them? Again, he was not surprised. Perhaps revenge had been a catalyst of her own involvement in this organization, wanting to avenge her husband's death. Revenge would give her the drive for utilizing such interrogation methods. If she didn't have something to spur her on vindictively, Jim would simply have to settle for the explanation that his mother was insane.
"Except when it came to me and this very visit," Jim stated coldly. "Then you seemed to have some sense of self-control. Why? And don't say that it is because you truly care for me. Or that I was blind."
"If I cannot state the truth that I love you and never wished to harm you," Winona said quietly, "then I will say the other part of the truth. You look like your father."
A biting chill swept over Jim's body, and he couldn't help himself. Stunned, he took a step back.
And then another.
"Oh, that's rich," Bones snapped from beside him.
"It's true," she replied. "It is one of the reasons."
"You just had to throw that in there, didn't you," Bones said and stepped in front of Jim, blocking his view of his mother.
Still, Winona's softly spoken sentiment cracked something in Jim, as it had when she mentioned it when she'd first arrived. A whimper began to creep up his chest, threatening to undo the all the control he'd maintained.
Spock came beside Jim, shoulder to shoulder. Captain, breathe.
Has she any love for me at all, Spock?
Yes. Elise senses it.
Jim breathed, in and out, not knowing how he was going to maintain any semblance of control now that his mother had played that card.
"What do you mean?" She asked, voice growing even quieter.
"What do I mean?" Bones asked incredulously. "You're telling me that the thought never crossed your mind that you resented your son, Jimmy, because he looked -"
"Bones," Jim whispered, seeing himself deage before his very eyes, hiding his face when his mom looked at him like that.
" - like his father. Have you convinced yourself - "
Jim was four. The air rushed from his chest. No...no. He was not a naive child. He was...was an adult...a captain... "Bones..."
" - that Jim never even noticed how you stayed away from him? That as a child, he didn't notice the resentment?"
"I'm sorry. Jim...I..."
Jim shook his head slightly but forced his hands at his side. He clenched his hands, feeling every muscle taut as he willed himself not to feel sorry for her, the woman whose face had gone pale as she realized her own ignorance.
"Bones," Jim said, finally finding his voice as he nudged the doctor aside.
"Jim, this has gone on long enough" Bones argued. "Especially if she's going to play dirty like this."
Jim shook his head once. He had to find out more, get her to the point where she was so desperate that she would begin to fill in the holes he saw in her story.
"I...no, surely you never misunderstood that. I loved your father and seeing him in you. It never was resentment. It was love that hurt, but it was love," Winona pleaded. "Jim, I never wanted to hurt you like that."
"It's Captain, Commander Kirk." Jim said shortly, holding her apology at arm's length. He didn't trust her, not yet. She'd told him lie after lie, and he had a duty to his crew, first and foremost, and not to his heart. "Do I need to remind you yet again?"
She first glanced tentatively at Bones then back to Jim. "No, sir," she pursed her lips. "Captain."
"Is there anything else you wish to say before I inform you of my decision?" Jim asked.
"No, sir," she said and after a short breath, met his own nearly impassive stare. If he hadn't recognized the pleading in her eyes, her face would now be completely void of emotion.
He inwardly sighed. So they were finished, and he would be forced to utter the very words that could, quite frankly, completely dissolve their recently cultivated relationship. The pain of this severed trust settled in his heart but he didn't fight it as Spock finally allowed the feeling to wash over Jim. He needed the reminder, to feel the very thing which would then propel him to protect his crew.
"Very well, Commander," he said quietly, signaling that he was ending their conversation.
"Ji... I mean, Captain, sir," Winona said, his name broken on her lips. He couldn't help but flinch. "Please. I know this is hard, that it hurts, but I don't want to leave with you angry with me. I can explain-"
"Now you want to tell the truth?" He mocked. 'Hurt' was a small word to describe what she'd done. Her actions were so twisted, underhanded as she'd pledged her life to some organization all this time to keep him safe, abandoning him as a child and never once looking back except for a few days each year and irregular comms. All of those days, all of those years, empty. Empty but filled with a child's pain because of something he had yet to understand. The ache stroked slow, settling deep despite Spock's shielding, but the matter at hand was the safety of his crew. As of now, he would never know if they would be looking over their shoulders indefinitely.
No one would. His mother was just as stubborn as he was.
Winona's eyes fluttered downward. "The truth is dangerous, Captain Kirk."
"More lies, then, Commander?" He asked his mother softly.
Her silence damned her.
Jim exchanged a glance with Bones, whose normal scowl was replaced with the cold fury of a protective friend, and then with Spock, whose unflappable expression also offered Jim comfort.
Captain, you must proceed. It is the only logical course of action that has the desired outcome that you seek. Further delay will arouse suspicion of your actions.
Jim suppressed a frustrated sigh. Yes, he was stalling. He only wanted the truth. He wanted a lot of things. He wanted to believe that the love his mother had for him was pure and good instead of tainted with lies and bruised by betrayal. Her lies were destroying that already fragile bond between them, their relationship decaying before their very eyes, but call him a fool. He wanted his mother and everything they'd had before. The truth may be dangerous but he craved it, and he would go as far as he possibly could to get it.
Even if it meant playing a card of his own.
"We're done," he said, his voice like steel.
He ignored the softening, pleading eyes of the woman before him. He ignored the voice in his head begging him to brush this all aside and trust her and the other voice screaming at him to send her to the brig and turn her into the proper authorities. Instead, he relied on the calm resolve of his first officer and the instinct he had to protect the most important people in his life - his crew. If he called attention to his mother and this organization, if anyone else knew they were looking for this dilithium, including their enemies, he may be placing his crew in even more danger. There was no way of knowing for certain and Jim would not take that chance.
But maybe, just maybe, in doing this he would get lucky and both his mother and her superiors would see that Captain Kirk, although far different than the Kirk who'd last commanded the Enterprise, was a force to be reckoned with. He would not give in and hand over what they wanted, even if he did know something about the dilithium. It didn't matter to him whose side this organization was on. Their ways were not his nor were they his crew's - and they never would be.
"At this time, this knowledge goes no further until I decide to speak first with my senior command crew and then Admiral Archer," he said firmly.
"Jim, please..."
"No, Commander. I've had enough."
"Jimmy- "
"Enough!" Jim snapped as Spock relinquished his control over Jim's emotions. The feelings stirred, Jim's ability to purposefully use those emotions now returning. He allowed his anger to swell at his mother and at whomever was behind this deception, ultimately pitting his own mother against him. It was time. He wanted the emotional anguish. He wanted it to become pure rage directed at this woman who professed that she loved him yet used him, severing his trust. He wanted the power of holding her very life in his hands. He wanted those she worked for to squirm for a little while. Only then would she or anyone else see that he and his crew were not to be toyed with. "My visit with you is over, Commander Kirk. Mr. Spock?"
"Yes, Captain."
Jim looked at his mother with a heart of stone. "Please escort Mrs. Kirk off of my ship."
Author's Note: This one was hard...hard to write, hard to share because of the hurt in it, and quite frankly, a little messy with what's going on between Jim and his mother. But, now we are set up for the final chapters. And if you are thinking you smell a sequel? You may be onto something...but I can't give a timeframe for it. Two more chapters left!
This story wouldn't have been the same without you all, so thank you for reading and reviewing! Link to my tumblr account is in my profile. Sometimes I do post things in reference to this story or other fics I'm working on.
One final note: the Rinaxian Sea Bug/lightning lice is a real thing, at least according to the ST cookbook.