Chapter 12
Trigger Warning: thoughts of suicide
Sometimes life has to get worse before it can get better
I watch the Glee Club meeting from my usual spot against the wall behind my Uncle, whom I was happy to see at a meeting for once. He's really going to have to work harder at actually running the Glee Club if he wants me to join.
"Okay guys, Sue and the Cheerios agreed to help us run a car wash to raise money to hire Montana-"
"Dakota," Rachel interrupts and Uncle Will turns to me and rolls his eyes before continuing.
"Yeah, him, so we'll have the car wash after school tomorrow. Let me know if you won't be able to make it."
"Please, it's n-n-not like w-we have lives." Tina muttered and a few of the others nodded, excluding the Cheerios of course.
My Uncle chuckled as if she had told a joke before dismissing us and wandering out, humming a song he had been working on for the Acafellas under his breath. I couldn't wait to see their show, the guys had really improved since they first started.
I walked across the room towards Kurt and Mercedes, sitting down on a chair beside them.
"I can't believe the Cheerios agreed to help us," Mercedes says to me as we watch Quinn prance across the room and kiss Finn. Oh right, keep forgetting they're a thing.
"Do you think we have to wear bikinis?" Mercedes asks. I just shrug, not caring. I would be going in a t-shirt and shorts whether they liked it or not. Though I didn't really want to go anyway. It's not like I wanted to hire the dude. If only Lily was here so I could hang out with her instead. I know it's only been about a month and a half but it feels like we haven't seen each other in years.
"Forget the car wash, I have a paper due and I haven't even started yet," Kurt says, voice panicked, and I turn away and zone out as he and Mercedes start to rant about the amount of homework they both have.
My thoughts turn back to Lily and how much I miss her. I know I can always count on her to be there when I need her and I will do the same for her but it's so much harder to keep our friendship going when we can't just hang out whenever we feel like it. We used to have movie nights every weekend and my mom would join us. Dad would usually fall asleep on the couch, snoring through the entire film…
Anger and sadness suddenly washed through me and I wanted to scream. Kurt and Mercedes thought some stupid essay and what to wear to a car wash were such major problems and they're complaining as if the world was ending and how dare they! I lost my parents and had to leave my home and my best friend and they have the nerve to be worried about stuff like this?
I clench my fists at my sides as I slowly breathe in and out to keep myself from blurting out anything I don't want heard. I quickly grab my stuff, hissing a good-bye as I walk out. I know Puck told me not to cry at school and it's not like I want to but the tears are already starting so I rush as far away from the practice as I can before running into a bathroom.
Thankfully it's empty as I go into one of the stalls, locking the door behind me. I'm sobbing before I can do anything to try and calm down. I had been doing so well, wearing this fake armor and keeping myself from breaking down in public. Crying is for when I'm alone at home where no one can see.
But I can't do it anymore, they're in all of my memories. No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about them and I don't want to stop. "Why did you leave me!" I scream, not caring if anyone walking by hears me. I don't give a damn anymore. My parents are gone and they won't be coming back.
I don't know how long I spend crying on the floor in the girl's bathroom. Eventually my tears run dry and I stop sniffling. Grabbing the stall door, I pull myself up and walk over to the sinks, splashing water onto my face. As I check the mirror to make sure no trace of my breakdown is visible, I reassemble the armor around my heart. I force a smile onto my lips before going out to face the world.
"Are you okay? You've seemed a bit out of it since we got home." Uncle Will tells me as we eat dinner. I shrug as I play with my food.
"My stomach hurts," I reply. It's not entirely a lie, just not the reason I've been silent since we left school.
"Oh do you want some medicine?" He asks as he automatically assesses me.
I nod, milking it as much as I can, "Yeah, I don't know if I'll be able to go to school tomorrow." He nods sympathetically at my words and I almost feel bad for tricking him. He's so trusting he'll believe anything I say.
"You know what, I think I'm going to go to sleep early. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning," I announce as I head to the kitchen to wrap up my untouched meal and stick it in the fridge. I hug my uncle and then give my aunt a kind-of-arm-touching-awkward-hug before walking back to my room and lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I close my eyes even though I'm not tired, blindly hoping in the back of my mind that maybe this was all a dream. I was still at home, my parents had just said good night, Lily and I were going to go to the park in the morning. The illusion starts to fade and I close my eyes tighter, grasping as the thoughts slowly vanish, leaving me alone once more.
My uncle wakes me up but I tell him I still don't feel good so he grabs some medicine and puts it on my bedside table for me before heading out. Aunt Terri gets up 30 minutes later reminding me that she'll be home around 5:00 and that Will would be late due to the car wash. I can't find the energy to feel guilty about leaving the glee kids to wash cars on their own.
I stumble out of my room and towards the couch, skipping breakfast because I still don't feel like eating. I sink onto the couch almost mechanically and immediately shut my eyes. I'm just so tired. I sat like that for a while, letting time pass without me. Eventually my stomach growled and I glanced up at the clock, it was 4:00 in the afternoon. I silently stood up and walked to the fridge, figuring I had to eat eventually, but looking at the food just made my stomach hurt more.
Maybe I could use that medicine after all, I thought as I headed to my room. I grabbed the bottle holding the medicine and opened it but nothing came out. I looked inside and found that it was empty. I trudged towards the bathroom to check the medicine cabinet. When I looked inside I found some stomach medicine, I turned to leave before stopping and looking at the other contents on the shelves. I reached up and slowly grabbed a thing of sleeping pills, looking at the directions and peering inside. It was full.
I took both bottles and headed back to the kitchen. I stared at the sleeping pills, not sure why I had grabbed them. Another pang went through my heart at the thought of my parents. Whenever I had been sick my dad would stay home with me. My eyes settled back on the pill bottle. It would be so easy, there were enough to take it and just be done.
It wouldn't hurt to remember anymore, I wouldn't feel like crying all the time, I could be with them. I poured the pills onto the counter and stared at them. They looked so little, so harmless. They could save me. No, something in the back of my mind protested. I remembered my mom's voice after she had read an article about a 15-year-old boy who had hung himself, telling me years ago that suicide was never an option, that there is always hope for the future. I started crying, she didn't know how hard it would be. She didn't know she would be leaving me alone. It's too hard. It hurts too much. She would understand. Would she? I shook my head and reached for the pills. Lily.
I stopped. She deserved a good-bye. I moved back to my room and grabbed my phone, dialing the number. As it rang I immediately regretted it. I was about to hang up when she answered.
"Hey Jess"
"I'm not strong enough" I whisper, immediately Lily's voice is cautious.
"Of course you are, tell me what's going on?"
I fell quiet, not sure why I had called her in the first place. I didn't feel like talking to anyone right now. You need her, talk, the voice in the back of my mind nudged and I obeyed. "It just hurts so much,"
"I know Jessica, I know. It's okay to be in pain"
"I don't want to hurt anymore,"
"It'll fade eventually, just keep talking to me. Maybe it will help to get it all out"
"No, you don't understand. I don't want it to hurt now"
"Jess, please listen to me. You're so strong, don't give up, keep fighting."
"There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough," I whisper, listening to her faster breathing on the other end. Her voice was thick with tears as she replied.
"I love you Jess. I'm here. Before you give up, think of the reason why you held on so long,"
I thought about it but couldn't come up with an answer. "I don't know."
"Keep thinking, please."
"I guess… You and Uncle Will kept me going." I fell silent as I realized this to be true. It had hurt but they had always been there for me to lean on, even when Lily lived states away she had never ignored a call or text.
"We're still here, we're always here for you. I love you, I wish I was there with you. Hey you know I'm crap at singing so I want you to look up a song called Keep Breathing by We The Kings. Listen to it and know it's from me."
I nodded before remembering that she couldn't see it, "Okay, I'm going to hang up and find it on my phone." I told her.
"Wait!" She said, panicked. "Just, please, please promise me you'll call me back…"
I started to cry and gave a small smile, knowing she was right. I couldn't give up. "I will, I promise."
Something in my voice reassured her and she exhaled in relief. "I love you," she repeated once more.
"I love you too." I said before hanging up and searching the song on YouTube and hitting play. I laid down on my bed and shut my eyes as the music started.
(Just Keep Breathing: We The Kings)
When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
Without the dark the light won't show
Remember that you're not alone
When you watch the world just turn away
And break the promises it made
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go
Whoa whoa whoa
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa whoa
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
2 AM too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone
The beginning's just another end
It's not too late to start again
When hope is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go
Whoa whoa whoa
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa whoa
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Ooooooh
When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it
Go whoa whoa
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa whoa
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Tears slowly traveled down my face as I called Lily back. She picked up before the first ring could finish.
"Thanks for calling me back"
"No thank you, for reminding me that I want to live." I started to cry harder and she soothed me over the phone. "I feel happy sometimes," I explained, "but then the guilt crushes me for being happy without them"
"There's nothing wrong with feeling sad, just remember that it's okay for you to be happy. Your mom and dad loved you, they would want you to live your life to the fullest."
As she said the words I remembered that they were true and wondered how I could ever have forgotten. They wouldn't want to take me down with them. I headed back out of my room and to the kitchen, finally hungry. Lily and I were still talking 20 minutes later when my Aunt walked in.
"Hi Jessica," she greeted as she walked through towards the kitchen. I quickly remembered that I had left the pills on the counter. "Hey Lily I'm going to go, my aunt's home. I'll call you tomorrow." After she said good-bye I hung up and nervously followed my aunt.
I found her staring at the pills on the counter. I lingered in the doorway and she saw my puffy eyes and pieced it together. She opened her mouth but shut it again, unsure what to do or say.
"I'm okay, I promise. I called my friend, she talked me through it." She pursed her lips and opened her mouth, about to say something before she changed her mind and strided across the room to me. She took me in her arms and hugged me. I stayed stiff for a few seconds, surprised, before hugging her back.
"It's okay, you're allowed to be feel like this. I know I would be hurt if I lost my sister," she told me in a gentle voice that I had never heard her use before. At least not towards me. "Just remember that everything is going to be alright. Maybe not today, but eventually. You just have to stick around to see it." I hugged her again and we went to sit on the couch together. I had always disliked her… but maybe I was wrong.
I was about to say something when the front door burst open and my Uncle rushed in. Aunt Terri stood up, "Will, what are you doing here? I thought you had to stay for the carwash."
"I left Emma and Sue in charge." He said as he walked over and hugged me. "Lily called, told me what was happening. I came as fast as possible."
I relaxed and rested my head on his shoulder after he sat down next to me on the couch. Aunt Terri sat down on the other side of me. "I'm okay now," I mumbled into his shirt.
"I don't want to lose you Jessie. You have all of us to talk to. Don't keep it all bottled up inside."
I nodded, realizing how serious this all was. "I'll have more meetings with Ms. Emma. I won't let it get this bad again. I promise."
"Okay baby girl, just remember we're always here. Look, I know you said you wanted to come to the trial this weekend. It's okay if you can't handle it. You can stay here, Terri will look after you." I looked up at him as I thought about it. Did I really want to deal with all the old memories that visiting home would dredge up? I turned and saw Aunt Terri looking at me. She gave me a smile and put her hand on my shoulder.
"It's up to you," She said gently.
"I want to go," I told him, thinking about Lily and the people that kept me going. I would go and I would move forward. I have to be able to remember them in happiness, not just in sadness. Maybe this will be a first step towards it. I closed my eyes as I laid my head back down on Uncle Will's shoulder.
Will POV
Will looked at Terri who smiled at him and got up, giving him a kiss before leaving them alone. His eyes rested on Jessie once more. She was so strong, just like her mom. She had always been the stronger one growing up. Katie had protected him, made sure he was okay. It was his turn to be strong, to take care of her daughter since she couldn't anymore. He started humming softly.
(Chorus of Safe and Sound: Taylor Swift ft. The Civil Wars)
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright no one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
His voice faded and he stopped singing as it was clear that his niece was asleep, snoring quietly on his shoulder. He had never imagined that it was this bad for her. He should've been more attentive. As he looked down at the sleeping figure he vowed to make sure she would get through this. They would make it together. He smiled gently down at her, her face looked so much younger when she was asleep. That innocent little girl he had played with years ago was still in there. All he could do was hope that she wasn't completely broken, that she would be able to put herself back together.
A/N: I understand it was a long wait but this was really hard to write. I've never been through anything like this myself and I wanted to get it right because it's such a serious issue. Just remember, you're never alone.
It might be a while until the next chapter, Jess is heading home for the trial and while she won't be there for the trial physically I need to figure out how a real trial like this would work so I can portray it in the story.