4
Without him, Dodge was a desert to her soul. The landscape loomed dry and barren, but like a pilgrim, she traveled the first miles with determination and zeal.
She kept herself busy, rearranging the furniture in her suite of rooms and picking out fabric for new draperies and cushions from the sample book at Mr. Lathrop's store. She talked with her handyman about ordering the plumbing for her new bathroom and at night, alone in her room, she fought the demons of sleep as they tried to rob her of sane thought and rationality. The night demons won and she would awake in tears and a cold sweat, the dark vision of Matt Dillon dead in the street, etched so deeply in her psyche that no amount of sunbeams and daylight could purify the image.
By the end of the week any interest in her projects waned. She cancelled the work on her bathroom. Moved her furniture back where it had been and sat alone in her room. Outside, the skies were bleak behind sun trapped layers of clouds. Her friends did their best to keep her spirits up, but, they were busy with their own occupations. Festus had the demands of the jailhouse and helping out at Hank's. Newly was pulling triple time, keeping his own gunsmith business running along with helping both Doc and Festus.
A late January thaw brought influenza to the residents of Ford County. Doc ordered all public places closed before the situation had a chance to take on epidemic proportions. Three of Kitty's girls came down with the illness and she spent several days nursing them through the worst. The temperatures plummeted and the disease abated.
Doc, returning from checking on the recovery of the Ronniger family, among others, saw a dim light burning at the Long Branch, late one evening. After stabling his horse and buggy at the livery, he made his gimpy way to the saloon. The doors were closed, but not locked. He opened one and shouted in, "Anyone home."
Kitty was sitting in the shadows at a back table with a glass and a bottle of whiskey. "Come on in Doc and join me." She responded. "Grab a glass from the bar on your way."
He did as directed and sat in the chair next to her's. "Well, you do look like you could use some company." He scrutinized her with a medical eye. She was gowned in a robe, but her hair was still up in the style of the day, although several locks had escaped the pins giving her a disheveled appearance. Her tired eyes were rimmed with the kohl she used to darken her lashes, "Trouble sleeping or haven't you been to bed yet?"
"My head hasn't hit the pillow if that's what you're asking." She poured him a drink. "It's mighty cold out there tonight. I wonder where he is."
"Matt Dillon can take care of himself. Don't you worry Kitty."
She swirled the liquor in her glass. "All these years Doc … you still sing the same old tune. Don't you ever get tired of it?"
He shook his head, "No."
She downed her glass of whiskey in a gulp and poured another, "Well, I do. I wonder — will it ever change, will he ever change?"
"At one time I thought he might."
"Not anymore?" She asked with plaintive tone.
"No, I don't think so. Are you familiar with the works of William Shakespeare?"
She heaved a shaky sigh, "Can't say I'm a student of his works, why?"
"There's a line from a play of his, Richard II, I believe, that has always seemed to me to apply to Matt, it goes like this, 'Mine honor is my life; both grow in one; Take honor from me, and my life is done.'"
"Take honor from me, and my life is done." She gave thought to his words, "So, what you're saying is, this is just the way it is, the way it will always be as long as he's alive. At this late point in time, I have to find someway to live with it and if I can't … "
The old man studied her, as a parent might a child, "He made an oath to that badge a long time ago, to betray it now, well, he's not going to do that. He is honor bound. You aren't going to change him Kitty, you know that, but you can change yourself."
"How?" The room was spinning around her and her words were starting to slur, "My knight in shining armor is slaying dragons and I can't even do away with a few nightmares …"
"I think you can, it won't be easy, but then you've never done things the easy way. There may be some hard choices for you to make. You've never lacked for courage and I've never known you to back down from a challenge. I promise you this, any time you need to talk about things, I'm here."
"Wait a minute Curly, Are you saying I should leave?"
"For a time, maybe." He ran his hand across his eyes. He was tired to the bone, but there were some things that needed saying before he could go home and rest. "I love you like a daughter — Matt like a son and it would break my heart to see you go. But, I think there's a limit to what any woman can be expected to do, even in the name of love and loyalty. You know, I used to think that someday things would change for the two of you." His voice cracked; his tears hidden by the glooming light, "I even pictured myself as an adopted grandpa. Imagine that!" He gave a small chuckle, "I would have been a good one too."
"You bet you would've." Her words were a whisper.
"Still, it's been a lot of good years, hasn't it Kitty?"
She nodded and looked at him with blatant affection, "I'd say Dodge City has more than one knight in shining armor in residence."
He leaned over and took her face in his age gnarled hand, "Dodge City does and she happens to be sitting right here with me."
"A woman can't be a knight."
"I say she can ... you going to argue with me young lady?"
In answer, she took his hand from her face and kissed it, holding it tight in her grasp.
What Doc had said about hard choices hit home and she started to earnestly think about her options. She realized this time apart from Matt was in fact, just what the doctor ordered. Matt had his path set and as long as she remained in Dodge her path was set beside him, to wait with him, until just as in her nightmares, the final bullet hit it's mark. Did she have the courage to start a new life, without him? Did she have the courage to stay?