Running...running. Through the rooms, along the corridors and up steps. Feet pounding on metal plating and grates.. The acrid smell of fear and sweat mixed with the funk of petroleum and ocean. We're on the decking now, in open air. Get to the railing, wave them over the edge, never mind the drop. Count, count. Bodies as they fly over the pipe railing. One, two, three...on and on. Is every man out? Every man. Good. They're out. Safe...The explosions rushing through the enclosed corridors sound like a beastly roar. The building itself is screaming in rage at our intrusion. The shockwave pushes a wall of hot air in front. On your back,almost like someone urging you over the rail. Turn just in time to see the flames, then they're on, around, over. Everywhere. The shockwave hits a second faster. It kicks worse than Papa's stallion ever did. Right over the rail. Falling...slowly, debris everywhere in the air. Down, down, but all there is to see is the platform above, growing smaller, slowly smaller. There's water down there somewhere. And then, pain. Blooming in his back. A sharp, red flower.
Duke started awake. He was in his basement room, not back on the oil platform. Safe in bed. In a pool of his own sweat. He sat up and rubbed the back of his neck, looking around to reassure himself that he was awake. Sometimes the nightmares grew into and around each other. Duke was never entirely sure he was completely out of it, not until he could go a few minutes sitting in his own bed without any new horror oozing out from the cracks in his psyche. Everything was calm, peaceful.
Duke slid out of bed and walked to the bathroom. He rinsed off his face in the sink and filled up his water glass. He drained it and filled it again, walking with it through his room and out to the main basement room. Everything glowed oddly in the dim moonlight from the small high windows. Duke drained the glass a second time, set it down on the coffee table in front of the big screen, and climbed the stairs to the kitchen. The kitchen clock ticked softly, the refrigerator hummed as they had unceasingly done for years. Sounds he never knew he missed when he was on base. Looking at the clock, he saw that the sun would soon be up.
He wandered across the linoleum to the back door, pushing out to the porch. It was a warm enough night that he didn't feel a chill, despite being bare-chested, in just an old pair of sweats. Duke leaned against the porch railing and stared out across the yard. A few lingering lightning bugs danced over the grass, desperately trying to attract a mate, accompanied by the melody of the crickets and a frog or two. A ways off in the cluster of outbuildings, the horses drowsed in their stalls, taking turns standing and laying, instinct guiding them to appoint a watch in shifts. Everything was calm; everything peaceful. Upstairs, everyone was cozy in bed. Mamma and Jack probably wrapped around each other; Duke didn't think too much about it, but he knew there was still a fire there. Rabbit would be clutching her bear, perhaps mumbling in her sleep. He'd heard her have entire conversations before. Jennifer was happily dreaming of romance and dances and whatever she hoped the summer would bring. Vincent was sleeping off his drunk, maybe grinning with thoughts of shy girls in peony pajamas.
Pretty soon, he'd pay enough for his fun. Mamma would chide him when he stumbled into the kitchen, green and hungover. Then she'd fix him some eggs and a large glass of juice and send him back to bed with aspirin and an ever refilling tumbler of ginger ale. She'd done it for Duke on more than one occasion. Once of twice in high school. More times than he could count in the short time after Vietnam when he'd tried to find peace at the bottom of a bottle.
Duke watched Pirate the one-eyed wild barncat stalk across the grass; back from a night of catting around. He must be around ten, but still held his own with the local moggies. Duke remembered when he and Jennifer found the litter of kittens in the hayloft, Mamma's favorite manx Bess proudly standing by as they examined her brood. She was a good mouser, and all the kittens found a home except for Pirate, born with one eye. No one assumed he'd be good for much, but Jennifer demanded he be given a chance. The tom had proved himself worthy. He'd kept the outbuildings mouse and rat free for his entire run, and probably fathered his own dynasty of progeny all over the district. The big tom had held his own and fought off every feline challenger, and quite a few dogs to boot. He'd never settled down, never demanded a pet or a cuddle. Jennifer was the only one who could get near him, and he would purr and fawn over her alone. For the rest of the time, he stayed well out of anyone's way.
Duke looked west. The Joes would already be greeting the sun. The last night shift would go a few more hours, overlapping with those just going on Duty. Soldiers would be getting morning PT and hitting the commissary, the chow line snaking along as they chose from whatever was offered and made their ways to tables. He could practically hear the din of chatting soldiers. Many a morning he'd sat at his customary corner table and watched the flow of men and women. Most times, if she hadn't scraped herself off the sheets to accompany him on his morning run, Scarlett would join him, dropping her tray with a clack and a smile.
Duke grinned to himself, knowing full well that without him there, the red head would find no excuse not to cling to the extra half hour of sleep and run later on; maybe in the evening, or perhaps on a treadmill in the gym. But, by now, she would be diving into her yogurt and granola, probably with berries of some sort, cup of coffee placed just so above and to the right of the bowl. Every morning, she greeted him with the same question.
"Sleep well?"
Whatever the truth, Duke smiled and answered affirmatively.
"Of course. Like a baby."
Some morning's they'd chat, some they'd sit in companionable silence. Both were fine with him. Duke found mornings where one or the other of them was on a mission rather lonely. If any other Joe cared how he slept, they never bothered asking. He wondered for the first time if she sat at another table when he was gone.
Probably. She's probably there now, just scraping the last bits of granola stuck to the side of her bowl. Does she asks anyone else how they slept?
It struck him as an oddly possessive thought. He shouldn't mind who she asked anything, and it was a perfectly normal question. And yet...
Duke noticed the sky was starting to lighten. He turned and walked back through the kitchen and den to the front porch, lowering himself onto the porch swing. Across the gravel drive, over the gently rolling hills of the front yard and pasture, the world was slowly waking up. He could hear birds rousing in the trees along the windbreak. Slowly, the light crept over the grass. The sky over the trees shifted from dark, to dusky, to light as the sun pulled itself up above the horizon. Duke swung himself, just a little, as he watched the rays spread themselves over the land. His land, pretty much.
My land...that I'm never here to enjoy. There's the bit put aside for Mamma to live on...with Jack and the kids. But it's mine. And I'm hardly here.
The land was a part of his family heritage. Here and in Germany, his ancestors had found a way to carve a living from it. Grew, raised, or hunted food on it. Bred and raised children and horses on it. Fought and, in some cases, died to protect it. The land was important.
It'll be here for me, when I'm ready.
But Duke wasn't entirely sure when that would happen. He knew that he could easily be in the service for life. However long that ended up being.
The front screen shut. Duke didn't bother turning to see who it was. He slid over and made room, and wasn't surprised when Mamma lowered herself next to him. She was in her robe ans slippers. With four children, she managed to get a new fluffy robe and slippers every Christmas for almost thirty years, along with gallons of perfume. The old ones were usually good enough to donate to the Salvation Army. Drew had taken over Robe and Slipper Duty the last few years. Duke now tried to find his mother pretty indulgences whenever he visited a new country. This year, though, he was considering going big and finding someone to install one of those fancy hot tubs on the back porch. He'd been quietly looking into it for a few months.
"Good sunrise?"
He nodded, and turned to see her holding out a large steaming mug of coffee. She smiled at him. Duke took the mug in both hands and then hooked his fingers in the handle. "Nice one. Sometimes it's nice to get up and see it. Enjoy the quiet, take a few minutes to just sit and be peaceful." Duke gazed again at the sunrise.
"Mmm. Yes." She sipped at her own mug and looked out over the front acreage. "But you didn't just get up. You've been awake for a while." Duke felt her hand on his shoulder. She rubbed at it, then made her way up his neck to scratch the back of his head lovingly.
"Have I?" The coffee was good; cream and sugar like he preferred it.
"I saw you out on the back porch." She stopped scratching and slid closer to turn his face to hers, her hand on his chin. "Bad dreams?" Duke didn't bother answering. She already knew. Whatever she hadn't guessed she could read in his eyes. "You got your brother home and to bed pretty late. Or should I say early? How much sleep did you get after that?"
"A little."
She released his chin and put a hand on his cheek. "Are they getting worse?"
Duke broke from her gaze, taking her hand in his to remove it from his cheek and hold it, trying to reassure her. "Not really. They change is all. It used to be the same one. Over and over. Now, different things come in. Sometimes it's all mashed together. Sometimes it's just one event."
"Almost every night?"
"No, Mamma." He patted her hand and smiled. "No."
"Stop it, Kleiner." She shook her head. "You never were very good at lying to me."
He sighed. "They're just dreams, Mamma. That's all." Dreams that seem so very real. Dreams of blood and noise, explosions and dead men's eyes. Bits of bodies. Sometimes in some Cobra temple. Sometimes in 'Nam. Sometimes...the quarry. Sometimes all three. Now, the platform. Just dreams.
"Do you ever have good dreams, Conrad?"
"Sure!" He leaned back and glugged his coffee. "I do. No lie, I have some great dreams." Oh yeah. That one a few nights ago. Too bad I woke up before it went from great to fantastic.
"Really? Look at me and say that."
Duke leaned forward to look directly into his mothers eyes and smiled. He spoke slowly, making each word count. "I have some amazingly nice dreams, Mamma."
She reached around his head again and pulled him close, kissing both cheeks. "Good. Sometimes I worry that you miss out. Tell me about your nice dreams."
"Well, I can't tell you about all of them, Mamma." Duke chuckled.
She slapped him on the shoulder. "You can keep those to yourself, dear. Pick one that you can share with your mother."
"Boy, lemme think. Ummmmm." Duke stuck his chin out and pretended to have to think hard.
Mamma slapped him on the shoulder again. "Don't give me the wrong idea, Kleiner. You may be almost a foot taller than me, but you're still my little boy."
"Well, there was this one in which I was competing in an Olympic Biathlon competition, only it was held in the woods back there." Duke jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards the woods. "A lot of the Joes were there, so were you guys. I was pretty sure I would win, because you'd given me these special bullets made from you earrings."
"My earrings?"
"I didn't say it made sense."
"Right, go on."
"So the earring bullets worked pretty well. I was hitting all the targets dead on, and in good time, too. The cross-country skiing was hard, though. See, I had to carry Jennifer on my back the whole time, and she was in a snit about something." Duke rubbed his nose with the back of his hand.
"What was bothering her?"
"She refused to say. Kept telling me I was supposed to know already. She grumbled the whole way around. But the Joes were standing along the way, cheering me on, and you were off to the side, tossing me a fresh biscuit now and again to keep me going."
Mamma laughed. "Were was Jack and your brother in all this?"
"Jack was at the starting line. He fired the gun. Vince was competing, too, only he didn't have magic earring bullets." Duke used his feet to push and pull and make the porch swing sway slowly.
"Now, why wouldn't I make you share with your brother?"
"I don't know, you never said. You threw him biscuits, too, though. He seemed happy enough."
"And Drew?"
"She was on his back most of the time. But she'd get off and somehow manage to run across the trail ahead of me now and again. She was singing that song she uses to annoy people. You know the one that is about knowing a song that gets on everybody's nerves." Duke had actually taught it to her, a fact he kept from everyone once she'd started to use it as a weapon.
"I know it well." Mamma laughed. "So, what happened?"
"Well, there was a waterski part to it, which I suppose made it not really a biathalon. I'm not great at waterskiing, but I made it through OK. Jennifer was complaining about her hair getting wet. Then we went back to the snow." Duke wrapped his arm around his mother's shoulders.
"Did you win?"
"I did, actually." Duke grinned. "Got to stand on that three level podium and everything. The three Joe women handed out the prizes. Red gave me mine."
"You mean medals. You won a gold medal." Mamma finished her coffee and set the mug on the small round table next to the swing
"No, I mean prizes."
"What did you win?"
Duke grinned to himself. "Yeah, well. That part, I can't tell you." He finished his own coffee, his eyebrows raised.
Mamma socked him lightly in the stomach. "Kleiner."
"Sorry, Mamma, I actually had forgotten about the end bit till I got there."
She sighed. "Oh, it's normal, I guess. I suppose I should worry if you weren't having those types of dreams. In that light, your brother is exceedingly normal." She laughed, then grew quiet. "I thought we could go today. Together. Would that be ok?"
Duke's stomach felt odd. He looked at her. Her smile had grown wistful. "Sure, Mamma. Today would be fine. I was wondering when you'd want to go."
"Conrad, you should have just asked. I'm always happy to go with you."
The front screen slammed, and Duke and his mother both leaned and looked to see Drew standing in her yellow smurf pajamas and bunny slippers. "Mamma, where'd you hide the Cocoa Puffs?"
"If I show you, I'll have to find a new hiding place, and I don't have many left, now do I?"
Drew tried to look innocent. "I wouldn't know."
"Right. Stay here, I'll get them down for you." Mamma stood, grabbed both coffee mugs and walked past Drew to the door. She stopped, looking back around the screen. "Come inside and at least put some socks or slippers on, Conrad. You'll catch cold." She continued through the door, grumbling to herself. "Thirty three years old and wandering around outside in bare feet and no shirt." The screen slapped shut behind her.
Duke turned to Drew. "Rabbit, why up so early on the first day of your summer break?"
"The cartoons start now. I want to watch Thundarr. It's going to start in ten minutes. After that, Super Friends. Then Muppet Babies." She climbed up on the swing. Duke pushed it a little farther and faster.
"The muppets had babies?" Did Kermit and Miss Piggy finally do the deed? How much did they explain?
"No, it's the muppets as babies." Drew rolled her eyes.
"That doesn't sound real fun."
"It's weird, and funny. After that's Dungeons and Dragons, then a little Smurfs." She started counting off shows on her fingers. "Then the Chipmunks, Kidd Video, Mr. T and The Incredible Hulk Spider Man Super Show."
"How many hours are you pasted to the screen these days?" Duke looked down in shock.
"Four or five, if I can get away with it. Probably not today. Mamma usually sleeps in."
"How did I not notice this already this leave?"
"You were running. Or asleep. Or doing chores." She shrugged. "One of those."
"Right." Duke stood up, snatched her off the swing and tossed her on to his shoulders. "Pick three shows in a row you like the most."
"Why?" She wrapped her hands under his chin and huddled down as he walked through the door.
"After that, Rabbit, I'm shutting the TV off. You can keep Mamma and me company. We have to do some stuff out. Besides, I want to show you something."
Drew was quiet until he reached the kitchen and set her down. The Cocoa Puffs box was on the counter. Duke could see Mamma out in her flower beds, cutting an assortment for the bouquet he knew she'd take an hour putting together with care.
"Sure, Duke. I'll go with you I guess. Where are we going?" She pushed her chair over to the cabinet, climbed up and got herself a bowl. She grabbed one, and then hesitated, turning back to look over her shoulder at him. "You want cereal?"
"No thanks, Rabbit. I think I'll warm some of Grammy's zucchini bread." He found the loaf in the refrigerator and brought out some milk for her.
"You sure? Mamma only brings out the Cocoa Puffs on Saturday." She poured herself a massive bowl, then hopped off her chair and pushed it back to the table. Drew opened the drawer for a spoon while Duke added milk to her bowl and switched on the oven.
"I'm sure. Go watch your shows." Duke unwrapped the heavy loaf and sliced off six thick pieces. He was about to put the knife down when he had a change of heart and cut one more. He found the foil, tore off a piece and put both it and the slices down on the rack, figuring they'd warm up with the oven.
Drew took her bowl downstairs to the big screen in the basement. Duke got out two plates and poured himself a second mug of coffee. He was getting the butter out of the refrigerator when Mamma came in with an armful of flowers. She laid them carefully on the counter and filled the sink with fresh water.
"We have lillies, roses, begonias, alstroemeria, mums, and ruscus." She clapped her hands and then found her kitchen shears in a drawer. "Grab me a vase from the cabinet above the fridge, Kleiner."
Duke reached up and opened the cabinet doors, selecting a large, clear vase. He knew his mother liked to make as big a bouquet as she could. She took it from him, filled it partway with water, and then set about trimming and arranging the flowers. He watched for a while, sipping at his coffee. She wouldn't stop until every stem was just so. Duke opened the oven to check the zucchini bread. It was just warm enough. He quickly used his fingers to toss three slices on one plate and four on the other, then slathered each with a thick layer of butter. Duke set the three-slice plate next to where Mamma was working.
"Here, Mamma, grab a bite of breakfast while you're at it."
She didn't stop cutting and arranging. "Thank you, Conrad. I'll munch as I go, shall I?"
"However you want to do it, Mamma. Do you want more coffee?" He reached for the pot.
"Yes, please? Can you re-fill it? Jack will want some when he gets up."
"Sure." Duke found her mug on the counter and re filled it, added sugar and cream, and then turned to dump out the old filter full of grounds. He set the machine to go again, but didn't turn it on, figuring Mamma would do it right when she heard Jack up and about.
"I'll leave you to it, Mamma." Duke knew she needed to do this alone. Putting the flowers together from her own garden, taking the time to make it perfect, was part of the whole process for her. Showing how much she still cared. How much love was still there. "I'll be ready to go by the time you're done." He paused, not quite sure how to put the next part. "I asked Rabbit to come. I hope you don't mind."
"Your sister?" Mamma put down her shears and looked back at him. "Did she want to come?"
"She said she did. She wanted to spend the morning with us."
"Did you tell her where we're going?"
"No." Duke hadn't wanted to. He was reasonably sure Drew would have wanted to stay home, but he needed her to come with him. He might not get another chance. "But I'd like her to come this time. The others have, more than once. She's never been. She's going to start asking soon, you know. I mean, she already knows. But now she's going to start asking harder questions. And I'm not always here to help answer." He stopped for a while, rubbing the knuckles of one hand in the palm of the other. "I kind of feel I should be here to help answer..."
Mamma's face softened. "Of course. She should come. She's old enough now to really understand. It's a good idea. We can all find some lunch afterwards."
Duke felt his heart lift. "Good. I'll make sure she gets dressed in time." He took his plate and his mug down the basement stairs to find Drew absorbed in cereal and the TV. He sat next to her, just to see what was offered up on Saturday mornings these days. He watched a blonde barbarian in a fur onsie with a lightsaber ride around a post-apocalyptic world with a scantily-dressed hot wizard chick, accompanied by some sort of bear/lion/wookiee cross. The bear/lion/wookiee rode the apparent result of mating a horse to a chicken which had a loaf of bread as a tail. Together, the three bashed the crap out of mostly android henchmen to save the weaker inhabitants of post-apocalyptic Earth from some freaky bad robot thunder person with glowing eyes and no neck.
It was pretty satisfying, as far as cartoons went.
The show ended, and Duke decided to leave Drew to a screen now dominated by comic book superheroes. He was well aware of the Super Friends. Jennifer and Vincent watched it ever Saturday morning back in the seventies. He was home from 'Nam. It killed him how they had taken his favorite comic book heroes and blanketed them with the dumbest name ever. Not that there was anything wrong with having friends. Or being super. Duke just assumed they'd want a less Doug Henning kind of name for their association. Plus, he'd always thought of Batman as a vigilante, not the somewhat goofy character from the latest live action show.
But guess which version they went with for the Cartoon? Guess they had to, really. Who would put a real vigilante on TV? Not on Saturday morning.
"Rabbit, when is this one over?"
"About an hour, why?"
"That gives Mamma time to finish and get ready. Do me a favor. When this is over, run upstairs and get yourself dressed, OK?"
"What's Mamma doing?" Drew looked away from the screen.
Duke knew if he told her, she'd figure out where they were going, and might change her mind. "Don't worry about that. Breakfast. Paper with Jack. Gardening. That kind of thing. But get ready after this show, right? Mamma said we'd get lunch out after."
"Sure. OK. Sounds good." She let herself be sucked back to the screen.
Duke went to his room, shutting the door behind him and peeling off his sweats. It seemed like he hadn't really been in bed at all. He was used to functioning on little sleep. He climbed into the shower and let the hot water run over his back, hoping it would strip away some of the fatigue and his own trepidation about what the day was going to bring. In the end it wasn't ever as bad as he worried it would be. In fact, it was usually nice. Some private time to spend with Mamma. A chance to go back to how it used to be, if just for a little while, maybe only in his head. It would be different, with Drew there. She wasn't part of the original equation, not by a longshot. So young... She would eventually fill the role he had occupied in the very beginning; sole child in the house. In that, they were alike; bookending the years as an only child.
Duke scrubbed at his skin, thinking about how he would explain everything to her. She usually had a lot of questions about most things. Some of them, he couldn't answer, and a few, he didn't want to. Yet, she really should know. Duke wanted to share what he could with her.
I am a part of you, yet I am separate, in this way. We are the same, but we are different. I need you to understand the things we don't share, because they're important to me. If you understand them, you might understand more of me. Just because it's from long ago, doesn't mean it doesn't matter.
Duke knew he needed to show her, as he needed to show Jennifer and Vincent. She needed to know, not just from Mamma, but from him. As much as he could bring himself to tell her. Because there might be another bomb, or another bullet that could come and end it all. If he waited, "later" would be too late.
He grabbed the shampoo and quickly washed his hair, rinsing it and letting the suds and water trickle down his face. Finally, he faced the water head-on. Clean, he grabbed his towel, rubbed his head till his hair stood up on end, mopped at his skin, and wrapped it around his waist, just in case Drew decided to pop in unannounced. She'd tried before. Duke found his shaving cream and gave himself a careful, close shave, this time using his old straight-edge razor, which he'd sharpened to a keen edge the last time he was home. This was his ritual, the same as Mamma's flower arrangements. When he was finished, he rinsed, dried, and slapped on some aftershave. Then he carefully combed his hair and brushed his teeth.
Right now, I'm as clean as I'll ever be.
Duke grinned at his reflection. Then he put on his NCO face. He tried a few Drill Sergeant snarls. He cocked an eyebrow. He shot a nonchalant glance at himself. Shrugging, he stretched, cracked his neck and went back to his room to get dressed, slipping on a fresh pair of boxers and a clean white t shirt.
"Rabbit! Get upstairs and start getting dressed! Brush your teeth and hair, right?" He yelled through his shut door.
"Right, Duke. I'm on it."
The TV went quiet, and Duke heard her pounding up the stairs as he opened his closet.
Without a second thought, he pulled out his Class A. It was what he always wore when they went, since he'd enlisted. Before, he'd worn a suit. It just felt like the right thing to do. It sounded stupid to say aloud, but Duke wanted to make a good impression.
Duke grabbed his clothes brush, and gave his jacket a good going over, double-checking his ribbons and badges to be sure they were straight and properly spaced. He brushed his pants, too, for good measure, and then slid into them. Then he took out his shoe polishing kit and set to work getting his shoes to a high shine. Satisfied, he slowly and carefully finished getting dressed. Shirt buttoned and tucked properly. Belt buckle polished to a high sheen. Black socks, then shoes, tied with a neat, even knot.
He walked back to the bathroom to do his tie. Some men got lazy and went for the Velcro, pre-tied thing Marlowe White offered. Some even sank down to the level of the clip-on. Duke looked down on the practice. He quickly tied a sharp windsor knot, checked his reflection again, and went to get his jacket. He slid into it, buttoning it up and removing his cover from the pocket. He looked down at himself.
Why is it these days, I feel more myself in uniform than out of it? When did this start happening?
Ritual complete, Duke slipped his wallet into his pocket and his Medal of Honor Society ring on his middle finger. His hand was on the doorknob when he stopped himself.
Why not? It would be right.
Duke went back to his top drawer and pulled out Papa's watch. He fastened it on. It was easier this time than it had been for dinner out. This time, it mattered even more to him.
Washed, dressed, combed and polished, Duke left his room, shutting the door behind him and climbed the stairs to the kitchen. Mamma was waiting in a pretty summer dress, holding an absolutely massive arrangement of flowers. Seeing him, she cracked a huge smile.
"Don't you look handsome! I know I said I didn't want you in uniform until you left, but...well, you make me proud." She put down the vase, came up to him and gently fingered his medals, lingering over the Congressional Medal of Honor. "My son." She looked up into his face. "Don't you dare put your beret on over that hair!"
"I don't have much choice in the matter, Mamma. I'm required to. "
"You're not on duty, dear. Will anyone see? Does it matter?"
"Yes, Mamma, you know it does." Duke slid his cover between his fingers. He didn't want to put the thing on.
She sighed. "Of course I know. I know."
The swinging door slapped open, and Drew bounced into the kitchen. "I'm ready! Vince and Jenn are just getting up. Vince ralphed in the bathroom." She stopped when she saw the vase of flowers, then looked over to see Duke in uniform. "Oh, you're going there. I'm missing cartoons to go there?" She dropped her smile like a hot rock and flopped down on her kitchen chair. "I thought we were going somewhere fun. "
Duke felt more than a little stung. "Right. You don't have to come, Rabbit, if you really don't want to." He pushed his hat into a pocket and grabbed the vase with both hands. "Mamma, I'll carry these to the car for you." He left the kitchen and strode to the garage. He carefully set it on the passenger seat of the Crown Vic and went to pull the door open. Sliding into the driver's seat, he buckled in and gripped the steering wheel with both hands.
One morning. Just one morning out there with me. Is it really all that much to ask? Maybe she doesn't care. After all, she never knew-Forget it. Just forget it. I was a fool to think it'd matter to a little kid. What's taking Mamma so long?
A good ten minutes later, Mamma came through the big door. Drew was following meekly along behind her. She climbed into the back seat while Mamma lifted the flowers and then sat. Duke held the vase while she strapped in, then carefully handed them back to her to hold. There was no way she could see out the windshield over them. Duke glanced back at his baby sister in the rearview mirror.
"Coming after all, Rabbit?"
"Yes." She said quietly. She didn't look up.
Duke glanced over at his mother. She stared straight ahead into the flowers, her jaw set.
"Well, I'm glad. Let's go." Duke started the engine. They rode in an uncomfortable silence. Duke wasn't sure how to break it, so he didn't. It was an excruciating half-hour until he reached the gates and drove in, guiding the Crown Vic through the winding lane till he reached the right spot. Duke parked and turned off the engine. They all sat for a few minutes under an itchy blanket of quiet. Duke yanked the keys out of the ignition and popped open his door. He walked around and opened the passenger door for Mamma, and leaned down to take the vase so she could get out. Drew unbuckled her seat belt and opened her own door. Mamma climbed out, arranged her dress, checked her hair with her fingertips and held out her hands for the vase.
"Ill take them dear." She smiled.
Duke knew she liked to set them down herself, taking away the old arrangement and generally tidying and neatening everything up. He gave her the vase and turned to take Drew's hand. He shut the door to the back seat, then smoothed on his beret. Mamma was already making her way through the headstones and up the hill. "Come with me, Rabbit. This is your first time."
"But we were here for Uncle Robert's funeral."
"Yeah, but this is your first time here. This is different."
"I don't like graveyards." She looked around nervously as he lead her after Mamma.
"They're not bad places, Rabbit. Peaceful really. Pretty, a lot of the time. Listen. All you can hear is the breeze and the birds." Duke guided her up to where Mamma crouched. Drew glanced at the markers around her.
"Hauser...Wolfgang Gerhard Hauser. Wait, who's that?"
"You've heard of Cousin Wolf before, Rabbit. You never got to meet him."
"He went to Vietnam with you." She let go of his hand and went to look more closely.
"Not exactly with me, but around the same time. Earlier. He was drafted almost right after high school. I enlisted after my Freshman year in college. I went to Special Forces school. He shipped over first, right after Basic. He almost made it through his second tour. I came back in a plane. He came back in a box." Duke regretted saying the last bit. It's nothing but the truth, though.
"What happened to him?" She traced the lettering on his tombstone.
Duke walked up next to her and laid his hand on the smooth marble. "His unit ran into Charlie, that's the North Vietnamese Army, on a patrol. They shot him, Rabbit. Shot him to pieces. I'm told he took a few down before they got him. A guy that was with him wrote me a letter, recently. Said he died fighting, but died pretty quick." Duke rubbed the top of the tombstone. Hey Wolf, I'm going to hope that's true. I remember al the letters you wrote me. You said you hated it there. Who didn't? But you were really in Hell.
"That's awful, Duke."
"That's battle, Rabbit. Armed conflict. You're trying to take down the other guy. That's what a soldier faces."
She turned and looked up into his face thoughtfully. Then turned away to look around. She pointed at a very old tombstone. "Who's Orman Conrad Hauser?"
"My great-grandfather. All the land we live on originally belonged to him."
"How'd he die?"
Duke Crouched down to grin at her. "A very, very old and ornery man. His daughters had all moved away, and they paid nurses to look after him. The story is, he died in the shower being washed by a pretty young nurse."
"That's naughty!" Drew laughed.
Duke winked. "It's not a bad way to go, I imagine."
"Duke!" She giggled again. He picked her up.
"Come here, Rabbit" He carried her over to where Mamma was still crouched. She had taken away the old vase, pulling out the wilted flowers. She'd yanked a few weeds and used a small cloth from her purse to clean off the headstone. She was talking quietly as they came up behind her.
"There, all better. No sense in letting it get messy. Nice and neat, Mein Liebe."
Drew touched Mamma's shoulder. "Mamma? Who're you talking to? There's no one here but us."
Mamma stood up, brushing off her dress, then her hands. "Of course there's someone here. There are a lot of someones here. Well, maybe not the way you think. But people come here often to talk to the ones they've loved and lost. Look." She pointed to the marker.
Sebastian Werner Hauser
July 30th 1928- June 13th 1958
Beloved Son, Husband, Father
Duke watched his baby sister read over the inscription. She looked back at Duke, then to their mother. "Mamma, that's Duke's Pop!"
"He rests here. You know I was married to him first." Mamma's smile didn't falter. "He was a wonderful man. I met him when I was very young."
"You married him before you met Pop."
"Yes, I did. He asked me, and I couldn't refuse. He was a little older, but we were very much in love." She turned to fluff the bouquet.
"He died..."
Duke put his hand on her shoulder. "He did, Rabbit. He died..." Duke cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "Papa was murdered, Rabbit. He was killed when I was younger than you. He was a great Papa."
"He was killed, and then you met Pop." Drew looked confused.
"I did, darling. I was lonely, so was your brother, and I met your father, and he was a wonderful man, too. He is a wonderful man, and I love him deeply."
"So you love Pop now..." Drew nodded.
"I do, but I love Sebastian still. I love him as much as I ever did."
"But...how...? How can you? How can you still love him and love Pop?" Drew walked towards the marker and peered at it.
"Love isn't like a cup of sugar. It doesn't get used up. I will always love Sebastian. He was a good man. A loving man. He loved me, and he loved your Big Brother. He did all he could to take care of us. He made me laugh, and he kept me safe. He was very strong." Mamma put her arm around Drew. "You love your Oncles and Tantes, even if they're not you're blood. Sebastian was their big brother. He was taken from them. They loved him, just like you love your Big Brother."
Drew looked at Duke. "But...If he hadn't died..."
"He did die, Rabbit." Duke nodded to the grave. "That's not changing. He died, he died saving me. He died in a not very nice way. In the quarry. I was there with him then. I saw the whole thing. So I can't go there, anymore. You know that. I wish I could, but I can't."
"How did he...what happened, what did you see?"
"It's not something you're ready for, Rabbit. There were bad men. Bad men who wanted to hurt me and streak horses who wanted to do worse. They broke my arm. They tried to break more. Papa stopped them, but he died."
"How?"
"I can't tell you. I wish I could, but I can't. I can't make myself say. Not like that. And I can never go there. Not to the quarry. You understand? It hurts me too much, Rabbit. Even being there hurts. But you see...what Papa did...it was for us. Mamma and me."
Drew looked to Mamma. "You love him the same now as then?"
"More, baby. More every day. I visit him as much as I can to tell him."
"But you love Pop?"
"Yes. I love Pop in ways you won't be able to understand until later. And your Big Brother loves him, too." Mamma caught Duke's eye. Drew matched her gaze.
"Duke? You do?"
"Sure, Rabbit. In a different way than Papa, but it's really strong. Your Pop isn't my Papa...but he raised me, he cared about me and raised me right. I owe him a lot. I wouldn't be who I am without Jack...and Papa. I needed them both to be who I am now. I was lucky. Not every stepfather is as good as mine. Most aren't. Plus, without Jack, there'd be no Vince or Jenn. There'd be no Rabbit." Duke put his hand on her head. "How would my life be without all of you?"
"Are you sad he's gone?"
"Of course I'm sad. It was awful. It was the worst part of my life. I was there, Rabbit. I hope you never have to ever go through something that. I miss my Papa. Mamma and I were alone for a long time. We were sad. We were scared..." Duke swallowed. The image of him as a little boy, clinging to Mama in bed at night, too afraid to try and sleep alone. Mama's tears, her arms holding him tightly. He took a minute to compose himself. "But, you know, good things happened, after all. Jack is a good man. Poppy and Omi are good people. I learned a lot from all three of them. You and Vince and Jenn...you all mean a Hell of a lot to me."
Drew touched the tombstone. "If you could go back, and give me up, to get him back...would you?"
Duke stopped. Would I? Would I give up everyone and everything to get Papa back? He glanced at Mamma, and then at Papa's tombstone. Forgive me, Papa, I love you...
"No, Rabbit. I can't tell you I would. It's not really fair...not really, to ask me that. But I would never give you up. Nor Jennifer or Vincent. Would you be able to choose between me and Jack?"
Drew's brow crinkled. "I...I... don't know."
"This is where we are, Rabbit." Duke pulled her to him. "I can't go back. There's no going back. People die, Rabbit. They die sometimes when we don't want them to. It's terrible, and it leaves sad people behind. But we move on, and good things happen. Good things like Jack and Mamma. Good things like Vince and Jenn. Like me and where I am now. You're one of my Good Things, Rabbit." He hugged her to him. "It was sad, and it still hurts, but I'm happy now, Rabbit. Mamma, too. We're both happy."
"Drew. Think about this. I married Sebastian, and we had your brother. But he died, and I know he wouldn't have wanted either of us to be lonely. When I married your father, I knew Sebastian would be fine with it. Would have wanted it. Because he loved both me and Conrad, very much, and wanted the best for us, always. Pop was the best for us with Sebastian gone. Sebastian would have liked Pop."
"Would he have liked me?" Drew looked between both of them.
"Oh yeah, Rabbit. He would have liked you a lot." Duke picked her up. "You wold have made him laugh."
"What was he like? Was he like you?"
Duke shrugged. "I guess. It was so long ago, Rabbit. He was tall, and strong. Stronger than all my Onlces. Stronger than any man I know. He used to toss me so high in the air, way up in the sky. He would sing when he was happy, and he was happy most of the time. Songs in German. He had a gruff voice, but it was kind, and he loved to sing, like Mamma does. At night, he'd hold me in his lap and read to me." Duke looked again to Mamma. "He taught me to ride a horse, all about horses. To ride a bike... to climb a tree and shoot a rifle...How to read...all sorts of stuff. He could carve wood into anything with his pocket knife."
"Was he a nice man?"
"He was a very nice man." Mamma sighed. "Drew, back then, there were people who were so full of hate. They hated other people for foolish reasons. Sebastian wasn't like that, and he couldn't tolerate any man who was. Conrad's Opa sent Sebastian and his brothers and sisters here so they could get away people full of hate in Germany. He could never understand the foolish reasons some people had for hating others. It was fear, and Sebastian couldn't abide a coward. In the end...it caused him some problems. Pop is the same way. You know your Pop is a fair man. Sebastian was, too."
Duke picked Drew up again, holding her in front of him so he could touch his forehead to hers. "Rabbit, do you understand? Sometimes, even though you love someone, sad things happen. But you move on, Rabbit. You move on because the loved ones you lose want you to...You have to live for today, and for tomorrow, Rabbit. There is no going back in time." He saw tears gather in her eyes.
"But... but what if you don't want it to happen?"
"We can't control that. You don't ever have to forget them. Mamma and I will never forget Papa, we love him, still... But that doesn't mean we can't live for you. And Vince and Jenn and Jack, too. All the people I care about and work with now...would I have ever met them if Papa had never died? Probably not. I can't even imagine life without you, or them." He kissed her. "I don't want to."
Drew snuggled into his chest. Her muffled voice drifted up to him. "I love you, Duke, and you Mamma. Pop and Vince and Jenn, too. Please don't die, Duke...ever."
"Oh, Rabbit...I'll try my hardest."
Mamma came and wrapped her arms around both of them. They stood like that for some time. Duke's stomach growled. Mamma laughed, and the moment was done.
"Every few hours. I've had to feed you every few hours since the day you were born, Kleiner." She stepped back, wiping at her eyes with a tissue.
"Yeah, well, I put it to good use." Duke set Drew down, keeping his hand on top of her head.
Mamma checked her watch. "It's just about lunch time. It will be, by the time we get anyplace to eat."
"I'm hungry, too, Mamma." Drew stepped away from Duke, grabbing his hand to keep contact with him.
"We should go, then." Mamma nodded, then went to crouch by the marker. "I'll come back again soon, Mein Liebe. I love you." She kissed her fingersand then touched Papa's name. Standing, she took Drew's hand. "Let's give your brother a few minutes, OK? There are some pretty statues over there, we can look at them on the way to the car."
Drew looked up at Duke. "You want to be alone with him?"
"A little." Duke tried to smile. I can't talk to him in front on anyone. Hardly anyone. He handed the car keys to Mamma, and watched them walk off towards the road. Eventually, he felt safe enough to turn to his father's gravestone.
"Papa. I'm sorry if any of that hurt you. I can't go back. I can't." He stood with his head hanging. "I can't...I can't choose." Duke noticed a flower a sticking out from the others. He squatted to tuck it in, then looked over the blooms to see his father's name inscribed in the cold, hard stone. "Did you see it, Papa? Did you see me? Did you see the fall? It hurt, Papa. Hitting the water hurt. The fire, it hurt. I thought that was it. The end. On the way down...I had time to think. About all the things I should have done. It seemed so slow, falling did, Papa. Thinking about the end... But then...then I thought...at least you'd be waiting for me. I'd get to see you again. When it happened, there'd be you waiting for me on the other side. I don't want to be alone." Duke put his hand over his eyes, pressing into the lids with his thumb and forefinger. "Sometimes I get so tired...Give me the strength to keep this up." He dropped from a crouch, sitting on the cool grass.
"Scarlett, I told you about her... She's a good woman. A woman as good as Mamma. I thought that was Maddy. I thought I'd blown it all when I lost her. But, I think...I think I'm supposed to go another way, Papa. She's smart and she's strong and she's...she's beautiful. I've tried so hard to ignore what I feel, because I thought it was the right thing. I'm not supposed to touch her. So I shove it all down. But I can't do that anymore...I can't do it, Papa. I don't want to lose the one chance I have to have a good woman. Right or wrong, I think I have to try. I don't want to do things that would make you ashamed anymore." He stared at the ground in front of the vase. "What should I do? Everyone tells me to...to try...what would you want me to do?"
Duke stared at the ground for a long time. Finally, a rustle and a loud twitter made him raise his head. A cardinal stood atop the tombstone, flicking it's crest. It looked right at him, hopping a few times, and fluttering its bright red wings. Duke watched the bird, then looked back down at the inscription in front of him.
Thank you, Papa.
He stood, scaring the cardinal away. Duke had never been one to believe in signs. But in the last few years, he'd seen more crazy shit than he ever thought existed. The cardinal was not a coincidence. He knew that people had ascribed some degree of meaning to them. He'd ask Spirit about it when he got back to base, but he was familiar enough with the spunky, loud little things to guess. They were steadfast, never flying away for the winter., sticking to it all year through.
Plus, you know... red.
It was enough.
Duke put his hand atop the gravestone, just for a minute. "I'll come back, Papa. I promise. Maybe...maybe one time soon, she'll come with me." Duke turned and started for the car. He stopped and turned back after a few steps. "I'll keep fighting, Papa. I will. I hope you're proud of me. I don't know what you wanted me to be, so I hope this is good enough."
It was peaceful. Just the birds and the breeze. The sun shone down happily on the Hauser plots. Each grave was well-tended. Every soul remembered and loved. Duke smiled to himself. He turned and made his way back down to the car.
They had lunch on the back patio of Hendel's Cafe in Florissant. It was a perfect day. Warm, not a cloud in the sky. The dappled shade from the elm trees kept them comfortable. A nicer afternoon Duke could not have hoped for.
What he had forgotten was just how much a six -two blonde Master Sergeant in full Class A's could attract in the way of unwanted attention. Especially when that Master Sergeant had been blasted out of anonymity by the news media several weeks before. Every time he looked around, he caught people at other tables quickly turning their heads away. A few pointed and nudged companions. The boldest just stared at him outright. He did his best to ignore them all and focus on his club sandwich and his family.
Drew had mowed through her fries and was doing her best to cram a half pound of chicken salad into her mouth. "This is good." She beamed. "They put nuts in it and everything. I've never had chicken salad with nuts in it before."
"Rabbit, please don't eat and talk at the same time. I can see the nuts for myself, now." Duke grimaced and offered her his napkin. "How do you get mayo on your eyebrow?"
"I don't know, how?" She dabbed at her forehead. Duke shook his head.
Mamma laughed. "This quiche is very nice. I haven't had quiche in so long. It's not something people ask for at home." She stopped and put down her fork. "I know, Conrad. Let's have some wine. At lunch! How long has it been since I enjoyed a glass of wine with my lunch?"
He chuckled. "Not as long as me, I'll imagine. Maybe the rare lunch during budget meetings in D.C., but never on base. Mind if I have a beer? They have Schlafly. Or did you want a bottle?"
"I'll be fine with a glass of Riesling."
Duke motioned to a nearby waitress, who smiled and rushed over. "Yes? What can I bring you?"
"A Schlafly and a glass of the Riesling for the lady, please." He smiled at the woman, one of the few servers who didn't look like a college student with a summer job.
"Sure. And for your little girl?" She smiled at Drew, who was bicuspid deep in her sandwich again.
"She's my little girl," Mamma sounded more amused than upset, "and I believe she wants another lemonade."
Drew swallowed. Duke watched the huge lump make it's way down her throat. "Uhm. Yes, please. Another lemonade. Duke's my brother. People always think he's my Dad."
The waitress brightened perceptibly. "Oh, I see. I thought you were a whole family."
Drew looked confused. "We are."
"No, I mean you, and your father and his mother."
"You think Duke would have me with Mamma?" Drew furrowed her brow.
"No! I mean... not that there's anything...well, I mean, not that your mother looks too ol..." The waitress stopped herself. "I'll get your drinks, now."
Duke put his hand on her arm before she scurried away. "Don't worry about causing offense. Trust me. There's little chance of that. People mix it up all the time. I know, my mother looks so very youthful, you thought we were a unit." He raised his eyebrows.
The waitress laughed, relieved he'd given her a way out. "Yes!" She gushed. "I can't help it, I just can't believe she's not thirty! What's your secret, Ma'am?"
Duke knew the smile on Mamma's face was about as genuine as a mock turtleneck, but the waitress didn't. "A daily glass of Riesling, believe it or not."
"Well, I'll bring you one right now!" The waitress escaped inside to the bar.
Mamma let the smile slip. "She's lucky you threw her a rope, Conrad."
He dipped a french fry in ketchup. "That's my job, saving lives." Duke chewed the fry. "You are beautiful, Mamma. You do still look young. You are young. Most people don't think there's anyway you could be my Mamma."
He watched the color touch her cheeks. But he really did think she was still beautiful. She had always been beautiful. When he was younger, he had seen men watch his Mamma, appreciation in their eyes. She never wore a lot of make up, or wore long painted nails, or overly expensive flashy clothes. Hers was a simple, honest, fresh beauty. She made up her face to enhance what she had, not look like a painted lady. Her clothes were pretty, but she didn't look packaged up. Her hair was neatly kept, a natural color; still light auburn-blond. She relied on her smile and her confidence, not cosmetics and fabric. Her skin glowed and her eyes twinkled because she was happy and healthy. She took care of herself. She took care of them all.
"Conrad. If there's one thing you've learned, it's how to flatter."
The waitress brought beer, wine and lemonade. Drew transferred her straw to the new glass. "But Mamma, you are young. You're the prettiest. I want to be pretty like you when I grow up."
The waitress turned to Duke. "Can I help you with anything else? Thinking about dessert after that sandwich? We have really amazing cheesecake."
"Mamma?" Duke looked to his mother.
"Oh my gosh, let me finish this delicious quiche, and then maybe I'll be able to decide."
"Sure. I'll leave you all to it." She smiled again at Duke.
Mamma bristled. "I think, Kleiner, she was just happy to see you were unburdened with wife and child."
Duke took a long swig of his beer. "Possibly. Doesn't matter. I'm at lunch with two lovely ladies and can't be bothered."
"That doesn't work on me, I don't care." Drew inhaled the last bite of her sandwich. "I'm immune to your charming ways."
Mamma's laughed happily. "One of the few, it seems."
Duke blinked a few times. "Where'd you come up with that Rabbit?"
"Some movie somewhere. Can we have cheesecake?"
"We have pie at home. How about we save dessert till after dinner and have it with everyone?" Mamma finished he quiche and dabbed at her lips with her napkin. She leaned back in her chair with her glass in hand.
"I guess. Do you think Vince is done ralphing?" Drew swallowed the last chunk of sandwich
Duke dropped his napkin on his plate and nodded. "Probably. He'll be green around the gills most of the day, but he's emptied out by now.
Mamma pursed her lips. Duke knew she wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he was also certain it wasn't entirely new to her. Still, his own last major benders hadn't been pretty. That was after Vietnam. A few of them had been frightening for the whole family. Duke remembered the time he'd come to in the emergency room, his hand being stitched in multiple places. He'd put his fist through the one of the car windows when someone had tried to drag him home. Or so Jack had told him. He'd passed out in the parking lot. Mamma couldn't bring herself to speak to him till the next day.
"Duke, can you show me pictures of your Papa?"
"You've seen some, Rabbit." Duke was happily surprised. She'd even begun to refer to him the right way. "You can always see his big picture by the fire."
"Are there more? Are there pictures of you all?" Drew's eyes gleamed behind her glasses. "I want to see him."
Mamma finished her wine. "Yes, I have some albums, sweetheart. I can get them out and you and Conrad can look through them, if you wish. Would you mind that, Kleiner?"
"Mind?" He looked from one to the other. "No, I don't mind. Why would I mind?"
"I just thought you might be bothered, seeing that all again."
"What bothers me is the idea that no one would want to see him." Duke turned as the waitress returned with a runner to gather their plates.
"So...Can I tempt you?" She smiled prettily at Duke. "Something sweet? Coffee?"
"No thanks. Just the check." Mamma reached for her purse. "My son's quite satisfied with what he has."
"Oh." The waitress's smile grew tight. "Of course, right away."
"Mamma," Duke pretended to reprimand her. "That wasn't very nice."
"Wasn't it, dear? How unlike me. I must be getting catty in my old age." The check landed on their table, and Mamma held up her hand when Duke reached for his wallet. "Now, please. Let me pay. I insist. You bought us all dinner."
Duke shrugged. "Thank you, Mamma. It was a nice lunch."
Drew belched loudly. "Pardon. Thank you, Mamma."
"You're both very welcome." She left several bills in the little leather-like folder. "Let's go home and see about those albums."
Mamma went right up to her bedroom when they got home and soon returned with two old leather-bound photo albums. "Sit down on the couch, Drew, these are precious. Are your hands clean?"
"I washed them after lunch, Mamma." Drew climbed up on the big couch. Mamma carefully put an album on her lap. Duke took off his cover, loosened his tie and slipped out of his coat, draping it over the back of his lounge chair. He lowered himself next to her. Mamma sat on the other side and slowly opened the first album to reveal their wedding picture.
"I started this album on with the first day of my life as his wife." She looked fondly at the black and white print. "Sebastian was such a handsome man." Drew looked down at the picture, then up at the big portrait next to the fireplace. She glanced at Duke.
"You look a lot like him."
"Thanks, Rabbit." Duke grinned.
"You smile the same way!" Drew pointed down at the wedding picture.
Mamma's own smile was soft. "He does. He's a bit taller than his Papa, though. Much stronger, too."
"But you said he was stronger than any man." Drew put her hand in his.
"In my memory, he is." Duke looked to Mamma.
"Conrad, your father was very strong, but I've seen you do things he could never do. You're far stronger, you know. Broader, too. I doubt you could button one of his shirts over your chest."
"Laura's right, Con, you're a stud." Duke felt a slap on his shoulder and looked back to see Jennifer behind him. "What're you guys doing? Are those your old albums, Mamma?"
"We're looking at Duke's Papa! Turn the page." Drew kicked her legs excitedly and Duke reached over to flip to the next page of pictures.
"This is our honeymoon. We went to London, Paris and Vienna." Mamma sighed and touched a few of the pictures.
Jennifer leaned over the back of the couch, resting on Duke's right shoulder. "I want to go to Paris. The city of love. How romantic!"
"To be honest, it's probably much nicer now. Back then, there was a lot of rebuilding going on in both London and Paris. There was still so much damage to fix from the war."
"Poppy's war?" Drew asked.
"Yes, Rabbit, World War Two. But Poppy was on the Pacific Front. Great Uncle Robert was in Europe. He was in France."
"Not Grampy?"
"Grampy didn't get drafted. He had me and Uncle Timmy to look after, as well as the management of the land, and he watched after Sebastian's younger brothers and sisters when they came over." Mamma turned another page, then another.
"Who's that?" Drew pointed to a large black and white picture of a baby on his stomach on a blanket, face plastered with a gummy smile.
"That's Con!" Jennifer giggled. "Haven't you seen that before?"
"No...that's you?" Drew looked astonished.
"Oh, yeah, there I am. Check out those gums."
"He was a big boy, over nine pounds." Mamma pointed to another picture, one of her holding him in a rocking chair, looking enchanted. "He was a loud one, too. I'm not saying he was fussy, but when he wanted our attention, he could make himself heard from one end of the house to the other. He had a good set of lungs on him."
"That hasn't changed." Duke grinned. "Ask my troops." He winked at Drew and pressed her nose playfully with his index finger.
"There's your dad holding you, Con." Jennifer pointed out a picture on the next page.
"Oh, yes, Sebastian was so excited when I went into labor. He was excited the moment we found out I was pregnant, really. But the day Conrad was born, he was over the moon. On the way home from the hospital, a few days later, he kept stopping to show him off to anyone he even remotely knew. Once we got home, he introduced your brother to his brothers and sisters, my parents, the hands, all the horses, the dogs, the barncats. It was all I could do to stop him from taking off with my new baby to visit all the neighbors."
Drew and Jennifer laughed. Vincent stumbled down the stairs in his robe. He had dark circles under his eyes. "Hey, what's so funny?"
"Vincent, I hear you're unwell." Mamma looked to him on the landing.
"Uh, yeah. Must've caught it at the dance last night."
"Possibly. Everyone drinking repeatedly from the same flask is a good way to spread germs, young man." Mamma kept her voice mild.
"Sorry, Mamma. You going to punish me?" Vincent came the rest of the way down and stood in front of the couch.
"Later you'll help me with a few chores. But I imagine how you feel today is a good start." Mamma patted the couch next to her. "Sit. We're showing your little sister the pictures of Sebastian."
"Oh, nice." Vincent dropped down next to her. Duke looked over at him across his mother and sister. He'd seen the album a few times already. Drew turned another page. This one showed Duke as a laughing toddler in the lap of a man with a great bushy beard, Papa standing behind them both.
"That's Opa!" Drew gushed. "He's younger, but you can tell it's Opa."
"It is! That's our first trip to see Opa and Oma in Germany." Mamma showed them a picture of Oma sitting on a blanket on the grass behind a toddling Duke. "The first thing your brother did when he met his grandfather was to yank his beard." She laughed. "Sebastian nearly died, but Opa and Oma both thought it was funny."
They flipped through a few more pages, looking over smashed birthday cakes and pony rides, a few posed portraits and many, many candid shots. Drew lingered on one picture of Duke being held on his father's lap. Duke sat, held close in his father's arms, half asleep, half looking at the chessboard front of both of them. Their cheeks touched.
"Did he teach you to play chess?" Vincent craned his head to get a closer view.
"Honestly, I don't know what was going on that evening. He would play all of my Oncles at family gatherings. I remember mostly sitting on his lap and watching the games happen. That's probably how I learned." Duke slid the album into his lap for a closer look. "There were some pretty intense games, I do recall that. Some of them lasted hours. Lots of strategizing."
"And you watched it all, Kleiner." Mamma slid the album back to Drew and turned the page. "Here's another picture of a game. See Conrad? That time he climbed onto the back of the chair to watch over his Sebastian's shoulder."
"He's climbing like Drew." Jennifer chuckled.
"Conrad climbed everything he could from a very young age. He loved to climb. But chess...chess fascinated him." Mamma reached to touch Duke's leg. "He'd sit in Sebastian's lap when he was very little, quiet as a mouse, watching entire games unfold. When he got older, he'd just perch like that, so he could see the board from above. Sometimes, he'd take turns climbing behind Sebastian and his opponent, going from one end of the board to the other. By the time he started to play himself, he'd learned every strategy Sebastian and his brothers knew, just from watching." She laughed lightly. "There was one time, years later, General Wheeler challenged him to a game at the Bragg Christmas party. I believe he thought it would be a cute, short game with a little boy. Your brother destroyed him in under half an hour."
Vincent caught Duke's eye from the other side of the couch. "I remember that."
"Vincent, you were tiny then." Mamma was surprised.
"Maybe, but I remember. There were presents for all the kids under that giant tree, and we all got those Life Savers storybook packs. When Con won, Pop pretended to be embarrassed, but he really wasn't. Everyone was really quiet till the General laughed, then they all joined him. You had a green dress, Mamma."
Duke grinned. "That was it, Kid."
"Your Papa was gone then?" Drew sounded confused.
"Yes, Rabbit. That was years after he'd died." Duke turned another page.
"Hey, there's Ulf!" Jennifer reached a hand down to hold the page open.
"Good old Ulf." Duke had loved that dog. Papa found him as a puppy, huddled by the road. Someone's prize german shepherd had spent an illicit night with a great dane, or maybe a mastiff. The results were abandoned as an unwanted mongrel. If there were any more from the litter, they never turned up. Ulf grew up to be a huge, shaggy, mostly gentle giant. Never showed fang or growl, except for the one time he was really needed. "He was Papa's dog, but he followed me pretty much everywhere. When I was smaller, I could ride him. Do you remember Ulf, Vince? Jenn?"
They looked at each other. Jennifer spoke first. "Yeah. I remember sitting with him on the floor at Christmas."
Vince nodded. "Yeah, I remember how he'd stand next to me and knock me over with his tail."
"He was an old man, by then. But he was always Papa's dog, to me." Duke showed them a picture of Papa carrying him on his back, Ulf on one side, Mamma on the other.
"It was hard on you when he died, Conrad. And then when we lost Blitz."
"Blitz?" Drew looked up at Duke.
"Papa's horse. Wally's Grandpa." Duke thumbed over to a picture of Papa on Blitz, holding him before him in the saddle. "He lived to be thirty-three." Duke sighed. "He outlived Papa."
So did I.
Duke felt Jennifer shift and slip her arms down over his shoulders. She wrapped them around him and gave him a slow squeeze. He reached back and softly stroked her hair. It was quiet for a few minutes.
"Your Papa seems like a really cool guy." Drew's voice seemed tiny in that big quiet. Jennifer relaxed her hug, but didn't let go. Mamma pulled a Kleenex from somewhere to dab at her eyes.
"Thanks, Rabbit."
"I guess him and Mamma's where you get it from."