Chapter 4

The sun was starting to get later in rising, as Hanayo stumbled about in the pre-dawn darkness outside her house, navigating by the dim porch light alone. The morning mist hung heavy in the air, a thick cloying atmosphere that clung to her and made everything feel heavier than it really was...

Or maybe that was just her body protesting from lack of sleep, and her tired muscles that ached after a day of practice and insufficient rest. After what had happened yesterday, sleep was all but impossible. Hanayo had pretty much stayed up the whole night, drifting in and out of nightmares where all she could see was Rin's back that got further and further away while she stood there paralysed. And whenever she woke up from one covered in sweat, all she could do was cry, sobbing into her pillow so that she wouldn't wake anyone else up.

She didn't want to lose her childhood friend. Just the thought alone made her feel like her heart was breaking apart.

Before she knew it, it was nearing daybreak. And she had to get on with the tasks of the day if she didn't want to be late to meet the rest.

Hoisting her watering-can, she began the work of watering the many potted plants placed just beside her home's door. The plants were barely holding on now as the weather got colder; the flowers would likely drop off soon, but she still wanted to see them struggle to hold on as long as they could.

It would have been better if I had never confessed to Rin-chan... Then all this wouldn't have happened. We would still be laughing and talking together each day, without this awkwardness between us...

Rin hadn't told her why she rejected her in the first place, but after those few days following her question, Hanayo knew it was just the fact that it was her.

Because it was her, the girl who was never good enough for anyone.

It had always been like that. She was weak, cowardly, untalented, clumsy and most of all, absolutely normal; a girl who never stood out in any way. Ever since she was a kid she had always been the last in the class to be picked for anything, be it sports or projects. When that hadn't been the case, it had only been because Rin, who attracted people to her easily, had been inseparable from her. If it hadn't been for the orange-haired girl, she would've just faded into the background.

Even being an idol she had always been on the sidelines, never the centre for any of their songs. It wasn't something she was really bitter about: Muse was still a fledging unit and as an idol fan she knew just how risky it was to put someone with no appeal in the centre. It was just her own fault for having no presence at all.

And now, it seemed like she was finally experiencing the life she was supposed to have from the start. Now that Rin and her were in this state...

I should never have confessed!

Dropping the watering-can and falling upon her knees on the porch, the brunette began to cry once more.

One step after the other. And another. And another.

Rin had long since lost count of how many laps of her usual districts she had run in the past week. For that matter, she couldn't even remember when or how long she had been running. All she knew was it was way better than sitting around, where the thoughts would just gather in her head.

Running was simpler. Even though she knew she would regret it later, it was the only thing she knew how to do, keeping herself moving. Sports were more fun, but Rin knew she just wasn't mentally engaged enough to provide a good match to any of her opponents. So every bit of spare time she had this week, she found herself donning her running shoes and just hitting the streets.

During the last week she had been in a condition close to that of the living dead, half-dazed from lack of sleep and aching muscles. It had been so bad that many of her classmates had approached her to ask what was wrong, since she was lacking her characteristic energy. Even the teachers had sensed her state and didn't call upon her in class, a fact she was thankful for.

It wasn't really something she could keep up forever, she knew that. But that was something she could deal with later. Right now it was just her running along the pre-dawn streets: the solid sensation of the ground underneath her feet, the cold wind rushing past her, the slight sweat beading on her forehead, the bittersweet ache in her thigh muscles. A whole variety of sensations to distract her from the thoughts in her head.

Even now, Rin still wasn't sure how she felt about her best friend.

When Kayo-chin had asked her what she thought about her back on the rooftop that evening, the question had utterly caught her off-guard, enough that she had blurted out the stupidest answer possible.

It was something she had thought about before, but in the last few weeks after watching the rest of the team, her world had turned upside-down entirely.

Kayo-chin and her, together? Like Maki and Nico?

It didn't even make any sense. The two of them were nothing like the other pair.

But then how about the second-years? They were all childhood friends too, right? Just like them.

No, that wasn't it either. She had caught the secret glances the three of them exchanged when they thought no one was looking, those eyes full of secret meaning and passion. She couldn't possibly imagine giving Kayo-chin one of those.

Though just imagining that look on Kayo-chin's face, directed at her, made her legs feel somewhat wobbly. Just like that day when she had accidentally fallen onto her best friend. It had been a strange feeling; she hadn't really hugged Kayo-chin for ages, and the brunette was just so soft, especially around...

The thought made blood rush to Rin's face, and she was acutely aware that she was starting to over-think things yet again. Even while running.

"Arrrgghhhnyaaa!" she yelled out in frustration, scaring a couple of snoozing cats on a nearby wall.

Maybe if she ran faster, she would be able to stop thinking so much.

Shaking weakly and weeping with her eyes tightly shut, Hanayo was startled when a hand placed itself gently on her head.

"You're going to drown the plants if you keep that up, you know?"

Hurriedly wiping the tears away from her eyes, the brunette turned towards the source of the voice only to find Eli standing there, wearing her training outfit.

"Eli...chan?..."

The senior sat down beside Hanayo, wrapping her arms around the distraught girl. "I had a feeling this would be the case. Or well, Nico and Maki did anyway. We're friends, Hanayo, so there's no need for you to bear this pain alone. Tell me what's wrong."

In bits and pieces interrupted by choked sobs, Hanayo confided in her senior everything that had happened in the past week. All the while Eli only rubbed her back soothingly, holding one hand with her other to give encouraging squeezes when the pain was too much for her to continue.

For the bespectacled girl, it was a liberating feeling to finally let out the issue after bottling up all her emotions for an entire week. She hadn't known who to turn to for this, the closest person had been Maki-chan and even she was somewhat aloof. And so she had kept it in, all the thoughts and feelings that just kept racing around in her head.

"It's like Rin-chan and I aren't even friends anymore... She's just so distant from me, I can never catch up to her..."

"Hanayo, what do you want to do?"

"... I don't know. I just want to be friends with Rin-chan again, I can't bear being apart from her."

Eli shook her head disapprovingly. "Hanayo... Think about this carefully. Do you want to remain childhood friends with Rin, or do you want to become something more?"

Hanayo's expression distorted in pain at the thought. "But Rin-chan already turned me down..."

"Rin's just as confused as you are. You've listened to their mini-unit's main song, haven't you?"

The brunette stopped all movement as she struggled to recall the song, dragging it up in her emotion-befuddled mind. "Yes?.."

"According to Nozomi, it was Rin who wrote the lyrics for it. And we all know who she wrote it for."

The sharp intake of breath from Hanayo was a clear sign she understood its implications. "Then why..."

"You'll just have to ask her, wouldn't you?" Eli smiled as she reached over to the nadeshiko plant and delicately snapped off one of its flowers' twigs, handing it to the first-year. "Sometimes it's scary to abandon something you've been so used to up till now, but if you don't break away from your old definitions, you'll never be able to give new life to anything."

Hanayo gazed at the nadeshiko flower, rotating it in her fingers. Pure love... and bravery...

"I understand."

"That's a good girl," the senior gave Hanayo's hand one last squeeze before standing up. After a glance at her phone, she spoke. "Rin should be at the shrine right about now. We'll see you two later on, okay?"

Before the brunette could even gather her voice again to say thanks, Eli was already jogging off into the distance. Biting her lip, she headed back into the house to change into her training outfit as fast as she could.

Now that Hanayo was a lot calmer, she realised just how absurd the situation was. Eli-chan must have gotten up much earlier just to come visit me before practice... And it was Nico-chan and Maki-chan who told her...

Everyone is working hard to support me. I have to make these feelings come true!

For the first time since she had joined, Hanayo felt that just like everyone else, she truly was the centre of Muse.

Author's Note: Flower language is a very beautiful thing. The nadeshiko flower is an autumn flower that is often used to symbolize the epitome of womanhood in Japan.