Chapter 29.
Once on board, everyone except Sandor, Shalene and Bronn went to their cabins. Bronn was making final preparations on the second vessel. Sandor was with the Captain, making sure the ship would be ready to leave as soon as possible and to make sure The Unsullied were stationed in the most strategic areas. When he was finally satisfied, he went to their suite, thinking to spend a few hours with Shalene. She wasn't there. He wandered the vessel, looking for her, silently hoping that she hadn't chosen to stay with Tomaerys this night. He found them at the very bow of the ship, he was about to turn away when Shalene called to him. He wasn't sure he wanted to share her with Tomaerys but he sat on the deck, beside her. She leaned against his shoulder and Tomaerys laid his head on Shalene's lap. She ran her fingers through his hair, urging him to relax. Sandor pulled her against his chest, all of them at ease, now, and relaxed. Tomaerys said softly," Sandor, it is wisest if you never look back the King will be dead in less than a moon, he owed a life to The God Death, now a life has been given. One day you may want to tell the Lady Sansa that her father has been avenged. He wrapped his strong arms around Shalene's legs and captured one of Sandor's in the process, Sandor didn't move. As the noise of the sailors making ready to leave on the tide awakened him, he found the three of them entwined together, where they had fallen asleep.
The Captain informed them a few days later that it would take about a moon and a half to get to Emerald Bay. It had been decided that they would stay there to re-supply, wait on Prince Oberyn, let everyone rest and for Sandor to finally see his palace and holdings and to meet the steward who had been and would continue to care for his assets until his return. It was while they were on deck, sparring that a red hawk appeared and flew to Tomaerys. Shalene told Sandor that it was one of the Prince's. Tomaerys took the message from it's leg pouch and as it flew up, he threw a fish that he had just caught, into the sky and laughed as the hawk dove for it, catching it in it's talons and flew away. Tomaerys read it and told Shalene that her father and the Dornish troops had left King's Landing as planned but there had been a small skirmish, only a few Dornish lost but many Lannister men would not return to their wives. He expected to be at Emerald Bay in three moons or so, unless there were more attacks from the Lannisters. Also, Prince Doran had sent a garrison to The Marches. Sandor wanted to be there, he hadn't had a good fight since the night on The Blackwater and he missed the feeling of the rush of battle. He had no way of knowing he would get his chance.
Some storms had hit the vessels, slowing their journey as repairs were made, otherwise the next month passed uneventful. He watched OnIeese's belly grow, she was close to her sixth month, she had come to him at times, sitting on his knee and placing his big hand over her belly, he looked at her in amazement the first time he felt the baby kick, he had never felt anything so wonderous. Jaxell watched with pride. Sandor always enjoyed this but he tried to keep in his mind that this was Jaxell's child, even though he fathered it. He didn't want to take anything from him. He began to think about having a child with Shalene, he wondered if he ever would. She had not voiced any desire to have one but she was still young. She seemed content to allow him to have his children with Kolenee. He was happy with Kolenee, he loved her, but not as he did Shalene. He had been watching Lucian and Jonete', he knew that Lucian would soon be four and ten, but Sandor didn't want to let go of the boy just yet he wanted him to enjoy being young before he took on the responsibility and often confusing world of women.
It seemed that the ship came out of the mist. The alarm was sounded and when Sandor made it to the deck, Tomaerys was grinning, weapons ready and looked at Sandor, " Pirates! Are you ready to let your new blade have a kiss? You have yet to tell me her name, maybe today will be the day!" Sandor felt his blood rushing through his body, old familiar battle nerves started thrumming, he felt his muscles tense and said," Aye, Tomaerys, it's been a while. Let's feed these souls to your God of Death!"
He went below deck and made sure that Sansa, Tyrion, Jonete', Kolenee, and OnIeese were safely guarded. Lucian was old enough so Sandor allowed him to join, as long as he stayed close to him, Bronn, or Tomaerys. Lucian agreed but Sandor saw much of himself in his Son, he knew he would fight his own battle and protect the ones he loved. Shalene was another matter. She would not be treated like a woman, no matter how much he raged, she wouldn't listen. Didn't she understand that he had to protect her? Finally he slammed the door to their suite and barred it from the outside. He was doing it for her own good.
Once on deck, Tomaerys looked at him with a smirk on his face as if he had just made the worst mistake of his life but Sandor dismissed him, he didn't understand. Tomaerys turned away from Sandor for an instant and when he faced him again, Sandor was highly shaken, it was not Tomaerys, it was someone else. Sandor would have sworn that his eyes shown red in the faint sun peaking through the mist. There was not time to think about it as the Unsullied manned the rail and the oars were pulled in, the fighters readied the throwing lines and boarding planks and as the pirate vessel drew near, it began. Sandor had not battled on the water before but he knew how to kill, he watched as the Captain shouted orders and the grappling hooks were thrown and the ships smashed together, in an instant, the boarding planks were slid into place and men swung from both ships, each boarding the other, Tomaerys jumped aboard the other vessel and Sandor lost him in a haze of sword strokes and blood. Sandor had his Valaryian steel in hand, with one mighty swing, he stepped into the fray, he moved with such grace and agility it was hard to match his massive size to the grace of his movements. Body after body fell at his feet, his blade cut as if it were a razor. As he turned, he saw Shalene as her blade cut the throat of a man, he fought his way to where she was at but she had moved. He was in a rage not only in bloodlust but at her for defying him and putting herself in danger.
It was soon over, a new ship was acquired. The Captain gave the orders for the servants to strip the dead, toss the bodies overboard and the captives were brought to the main deck of the new ship. As Sandor looked for Shalene, he found her and Tomaerys side by side, covered in blood and gore, giving the gift of mercy to those who wouldn't see another day. His already seething anger boiled over. He grabbed her arm and drug her towards their suite, Tomaerys stood but didn't move, it seems he knew Shalene so much better than Sandor, let him find out on his own. Sandor kicked open the door and threw her in the room. He removed his armor and turned to her, yelling,"I told you to stay put! What in the Seven Hells do you think you were doing? How can I protect you if you disobey me? He pushed her back onto the bed and immediately backed away as he felt a burning from his hip diagonally up to his neck. When he looked down, he saw Shalene's dagger dripping blood, his blood. She had cut him, not deeply but enough that he would require stitches. He gaped at her, she was poised, ready to pounce on him, palm knife in her right hand. Her hair was falling all around her, her black eyes were angry, deadly. He knew that look. She would not hesitate to cut him again. He hadn't seen a woman in battle rage until now and he could see the same killer in her eyes that he had so often in his own. He felt warm blood oozing down his body and heard it drip on the floor. She moved off the bed and circled him, causing him to turn away from the door. He thought he could overpower her, but he wasn't sure he'd live to see the next day. She crouched and growled at him," You will not touch me again. You do not command me, you cannot tell me when I will kill someone. I don't need your protection. I never have. I am not your wife, do not ever presume to think you can control me." She left him standing there raging, bleeding and knowing that he probably very well had lost her because of his temper.
Shalene had gone to the Captain's cabins, on the way, she sent the healer to Sandor. She had guards posted outside the door, no one except Tomaerys was allowed to enter without her leave. The Captain would travel on the new vessel for a few days to arrange the crew and dispose of those who chose not to change sides. Then a new Captain would be chosen for that vessel.
She felt her world fall piece by piece. How could Sandor think he could treat her as a possession after all of these months together? She regretted cutting him but he should have known better than to attack her and especially so soon after them fighting. He was a seasoned warrior. He knew the pitfalls of battle rage. She needed to be away from him. The voyage would be over soon. She would make sure that everyone was settled and that Kolenee and her babe were comfortable, then she would go to her other palace, Jade Mist. It was three days hard ride from Emerald Bay. Sandor didn't know about this palace nor that she had planned to gift it to Lucian when he came of age and took a wife. She would go to Essos as planned but she had to get her mind straight about Sandor. She really thought that she had made it clear to him that she didn't need his protection. He was not her husband. His possessiveness was too much, maybe she just needed to turn away from him. He had all he needed, Kolenee and a babe on the way. Why couldn't he just let her have her freedom as she did him. One day she would have had children with him. Tomaerys had talked to her about having a child with her, he understood her desire to wait, why didn't Sandor. She sent for a bath and for her and Tomaerys. That's what she needed right now.
Lucian came with the healer but Sandor assured him that he was fine, His body was covered in scars, this was just another one. Sandor had already started on his wine. He didn't move or flinch as the healer tended to his battle wounds and stitched the one Shalene had given him. He drank to get drunk, then drank more to forget. It was so easy to fall back into that routine and he gladly welcomed it.
The days went by in a drunken haze. He roared at anyone who came to his rooms, he barely ate. He wouldn't allow the servants to clean nor did he care to bathe. Day after day he drank until he passed out. Shalene never came to him. He woke one day to find Sansa sitting beside his bed staring at him. His head was pounding, the sunlight hurt his eyes. He could see that she had had the maids clean his room and bring in a meal and a bath. He sat up and the side of the bed and held his pounding head in his hands and told her to leave him alone.
She just sat there and looked at him and said," You know I'm not scared of you right? You can't order me around like I'm a servant. I'm your friend and I care about you. What do you think you're doing? We'll soon run out of wine at the rate you're going. Your Son is worried about you and misses you, OnIeese is approaching her seventh month and Kolenee her sixth month. You will soon have two new children. You have responsibilities to your holdings as well as those in your service. You are a Lord now and this behavior is unacceptable."
He didn't care. He just wanted to be left alone. He rasped, "Sansa, go away, I don't care. It means nothing now."
Sansa walked to him and started pulling his tunic off and when he tried to stop her, she slapped his hand and said," You are such a fool, Sandor Clegane. Shalene gave you the world and all you can do is drink it away. It's your fault. If you weren't so stubborn and selfish, you would've seen that she is like that horse she rides. You may tame it enough to ride it, but you will never break it. It is as free as the wind. Have you never asked her why she truly rides him the way she does? Knowing you, it never occurred to you. All you have ever done is watch how she rides then think about bedding her! Quit looking at me like that! I am soon to be six and ten. I may be a maiden, still, but I'm not stupid. You have three women and you bed them all as regularly as a man starving. It doesn't take a far stretch of the mind to know you have a healthy and well above average stamina. Yet, Shalene never says anything. You have your freedom to do as you please, to mount as often as you like. To move through life answering to no one. Unbroken, unfettered, free of spirit and will. Yet you have the audacity to bind her, break her and try to force your will on her. Who do you think you are? If you lost her, you deserved it. She isn't me. She never needed or desired your protection. What made you think she did? You have watched her as well as trained with her. You stood by and observed her poison a man, and if it hadn't sunken into that thick, hard head of yours, her other lover is a Faceless man. Whatever were you thinking, Sandor? I don't know if you can fix this. I couldn't even tell you where to begin. I do know that I'll be back in one hour and if you haven't bathed,I will do it my self. Try me, Hound!" And with that, she stalked out of the room with Sandor gaping after her.
Sandor decided that it was probably in his best interest to follow orders, like he used to. He undressed and eased into the bath. His chest was red and sore, he hadn't allowed anyone to tend to it. As he soaked and tried to clear his mind, he thought about how he treated Shalene, what he had said to her. He focused on Sansa's words. He had to admit he had been the sole cause of this, again. How could he ever fix this. First it was about Tomaerys. This time because he couldn't control himself and let his anger direct his actions. As he was wrapping a towel around himself, Kolenee came into his room. He had missed her, he smiled at her as she moved to stand between his knees. she ran her fingers over his face and through his hair as she pulled his head against her swollen belly. He leaned his forehead on her and wrapped his arms around he waist. As she stroked his hair he felt his babe kick exactly where his head was. He kissed her stomach and rasped, "Even my child thinks I need a swift kick." Kolenee laughed, sadly. He apologized to her for ignoring her when she needed him. That's when he found out that this was the twelfth day he had been drunk. He asked her about Shalene and she replied," She will never show anyone there is a problem. I have known her my entire life. It isn't in her to show weakness, Tomaerys has been the only one ever to see it. She will talk to you as if no time has passed. She will treat you the same as she always has. She may even share your room again, maybe even your bed, but, Sandor, she may not return your passion. Why did you not know that to try to possess her is to try to own her and break her. I love you, she would never do anything to destroy your honor or integrity. I can't tell you that you can fix this, all I can say is that if you truly love her, give her time. Now, you need to dress, you have duties to attend to and we will be at Emerald Bay in two days. She kissed him lightly and left the room.
Lucian came to help Sandor dress and helped him clean and cover the wound on his chest. Sandor was ashamed of how he had done Lucian again. The young man had grown so much. His body was filling out, he was tall and muscular. His eyes were so blue and expressive. Right now full of sadness and loss. It hurt Sandor to see it because he knew he was the cause of it. When he was dressed, his weapons strapped on and his head clear, he turned to Lucian and he couldn't find the words. Lucian asked him," Father, will it always be like this? Will you always leave me to be drunk? Just tell me if it will be, that way I can be ready the next time. It's not just you now. You have me, Jonete', Kolenee, and your new babe. We need you, but if you don't love us enough to take care of us like you promised, then you should tell me. I'm a man now. I will care for them and keep them safe while you stay drunk."
Sandor felt his chest go tight. Why was it so hard for him to think about others before himself? He had never asked for any of this yet when it was given, he didn't turn it away. He had chosen to make Lucian his son, to accept Jonete' and Kolenee, he chose to allow her to carry his child, he chose to do all things that led him to this point and yet no matter what he was blessed with, he took more then did his best to hurt what he had. He didn't deserve any of this. He looked at Lucian and said," I am always the fool. I don't deserve a Son like you. I'm sorry is not enough for what I've put you through again. I was never good at being around others, it was easier just to run from my mistakes and problems. I was never responsible for anyone but myself. I want you in my life, I need your help, Son. I don't know how to be a father or any of this."
Lucian patted his father on the back and said," I have been with you for many years. I have seen you at your worst, you always forget that. We'll learn and do this together. Don't leave me like this again, I need you."
They arrived on deck and Sandor saw Sansa, Bronn, Shae and Tyrion first and sat down at the table with them. They were eating so he and Lucian joined them. Sansa looked at him and sniffed, " Well, you smell better. I'm glad you didn't make me bathe you, I would have, but I'm glad you did it yourself."
Sandor smirked," Me too, Thank you, Little Bird. Forgive me. You already know I'm an ass."
Tyrion laughed at this and said," Glad that nothing has changed! Lord Clegane, we will be at your Emerald Bay day after tomorrow. Are all plans still the same with you? We've been talking, in your absence, and I suppose we need your input. OnIeese and Kolenee are too far along to venture out and be caught at sea giving birth. Since we had decided to stay a few months anyway, and these stubborn women refuse to leave their men, maybe we should stay a few extra months. You can get more acquainted with the duties of your new title during that time."
Sandor agreed. He was looking around for Shalene when he saw her walking towards the table with Tomaerys. She sat down beside Sandor and as he leaned towards her, he saw her body tense and he pulled back, and just touching her back. Tomaerys, smiled at him like an old friend and slapped his shoulder. Sandor wondered if this was his real face or not. but dismissed it, he had caused enough problems. Jaxell moved into place behind Sandor, as if he hadn't spent the past half moon hidden away from the world. He watched Kolenee and OnIeese approach and he laughed softly at how big their bellies were. Shalene looked at him, a smile on her face that he didn't see reach her eyes, and said, "What are you laughing at, Sandor? Cute, little fat bellies full of babes? You did it! It won't be long and we will have sweet smelling babies to kiss! Maybe Lucian was right, we might need to stud you out as virile as you are!" Everyone, even Sandor, had a great laugh.
They all had a long, enjoyable meal. Sandor caught up on what he had missed in his irresponsible behavior. Though Shalene occasionally touched his arm or placed her hand on his knee, he could tell it was an action that had no feeling behind it. He asked her to walk with him when the meal was done but she shook her head, and he didn't press the matter, he watched her walk away, totally out of his element. He wouldn't go to Kolenee, though he knew he could still make love to her and she wouldn't deny him, he wouldn't burden her. He wouldn't turn to Jonete', he had not made love to her since he had seen Lucian take her hand, dance with her and the way he looked at her. He wasn't so vile a man as to take the woman again when he knew Lucian cared for her. As far as Sandor was concerned, Jonete' had returned Lucian's affections and he wouldn't break that bond. He knew he could take any handmaid or wench on the ship and nothing would be said, but he didn't he deserved to be alone again. He knew that Shalene had taken the suites next to the Captain's cabins and as he approached, he saw Tomaerys enter the rooms so he turned away and went to sit at the bow of the ship where he had fallen asleep with Shalene and Tomaerys. He laid back, hands crossed under his head and just looked at the stars and listened to the sound of the ship, the wind, and felt the silent tears of loss and frustration slide from his eyes.