Vern woke me up, my mouth felt like shit. His hair was damp, "Gordie, I'm leaving for breakfast with my mom and dad." His breath minty. "You don't have to wake up but you might want to go home." He left without saying bye. I threw my arm over my eyes; it was too bright out this morning. I silently vowed never to drink whiskey again and rolled onto my stomach.
Images of last night flashed through my head. I felt like barfing all over Vern's bedroom rug. I was such an asshole. Not one part of me felt proud in the slightest. I pushed all those feelings away focusing on my horrible headache. I left Vern's quickly, locking the door behind me on the way out. I was shitty for making Vern take care of me.
My dad had the lawnmower out when I got home. The whine of the motor felt like daggers in my temples. I needed that cold floor I needed last night. "You look awful." Mom frowned, her arms crossed as I slinked in. I was willing myself not to go lay on the kitchen tile. "Go get a shower; I'll make you some breakfast." She pushed me toward the stairs. I stood in the iciest shower I could stand. I did not want breakfast. I did not want to talk about the party like she was going to ask me. I wanted to lie in my bed until tomorrow, graduate, and then patiently await college in the fall while avoiding everything and everybody.
Mom set a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me; I took measured bites as she eyed me from the stove. "So what happened last night?"
"You know, just a graduation party mom, it got a little out of hand, sorry I didn't call." I shrugged avoiding her eyes.
"Well Chris showed up here looking for you. He said you had stormed off and left the party." She scratched the spatula in the bottom of the skillet. I dropped my fork.
"I didn't leave the party." I hurried to tell her.
"He said you were pretty drunk. He was worried." She turned to give me stern eyes.
"I'm sorry mom." I focused on the egg yolks pooling on my plate, Chris Chambers was going to be a dead man. The phone rang; she shot me a look and went to answer it. This was my chance to make a break for my room and spend the day sleeping.
"Gordie, the phone is for you." My stomach did a somersault. I slowly got up to answer it. She passed the receiver to me and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"Hello?"
"Gordie!" Kelly's bubbly voice was on the other line.
"Oh, hey." I lean back to peer into the kitchen, Mom wasn't looking at me.
"I was thinking maybe we could get together after graduation, maybe go out to dinner with our parents together or something?" I could tell she had practiced her wording this morning. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to make her mad.
"I'll have to get back to you; I don't know what mine is planning to do yet." I told her have a couple beats of air space.
"Oh." She deflated. I didn't really know what that meant. I didn't want to be mean to her.
"I mean, I'd love to, you know but it's really what they have planned. Maybe after all the celebrating is over, we could hang out?" I rushed to tell her.
"That sounds good." Kelly chirped. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow." I expected the line to go dead but she hung in there for a few seconds before hanging up. I put the phone down like it was suddenly hot and made my break for my bedroom. I shoved the door open. Chris sat on my bed, his mouth in a tight line. I was going to have to chop that tree down; I glared at the open window.
"I think we need to talk." He said evenly. I wandered past him, digging in the desk drawer.
"We always need to talk." I spat back at him. "I don't think we should talk here." He got up and headed for my bedroom door.
"Then let's go for a walk." He pointed at the door.
"I'm tired Chris, I'm hung over. I don't feel like talking." I flopped onto my bed.
"Gordie, please." His eyes looked desperate to me. I was so sick of us.
"I'm tired." I snapped.
"Jesus, you can take a fucking nap later." He came over and hauled me up by my arm with surprising roughness.
"Ouch!" I ripped my arm away, "God fine." I stormed past him and down the steps without stopping to acknowledge my dad coming in the door sweaty. Chris close behind me. I headed for the path where our fucked up situation began. If it was going to be the path where it started, I was going to end it there. We both stomped along the trail not talking until we were far enough away from my house. "What do you want Chambers?"
"What the fuck Gordie? What is your deal, why did you do that last night?" He was trying not to put his hands on me. He had them shoved in his pockets, the muscles in his forearms flexed.
"I was just taking a page out of the Chris Chambers playbook. I was being normal." I practically waved him off. It was okay for him to screw around but if I did it, it was wrong.
"Gordie, I thought you would handle this differently." His brows knitted together. "I didn't think you would stoop so low."
"It's not like we're together. We were trying to cool off remember? Or I know you have trouble remember what's what every once in a while. You fucking ruined me, and when someone is willing to give me attention you act like a jealous fucking boyfriend." I took a few steps close to him. "Do you ever think about the shit you put me through? Judy? Marlene? Dan? You have a lot of fucking balls to try and lecture me when all you've done is use me and fuck up my head." I pushed him hard. He wouldn't look at me.
"But you didn't fucking think of that when you kissed me, right goddamn here. You didn't think that you would just play with my feelings because it's about what Chris Chambers wants. All the time, it's always about you. The bullshit you put me through, you're just like your fucking old man Chris. Sure you aren't as abusive but you hurt people just as much."
"Gordie." He sighed, he wouldn't look me in the eye.
"What you can't fucking take the truth Chambers?" I turned my back on him.
"I didn't think any of this would happen." His voice was defeated. "You always saw me differently. You understood what I was, and where I came from and you still gave more than two shits about me. I'm so sorry, Gordie. I didn't think I would destroy us like this."
"I don't think we can ever be us again, Chris. You can't take the same flak you dish out." I looked at him. "I don't even know who the hell you are anymore." I had a sudden pan of sadness that made my stomach hurt. My chest ached. This was really happening. I couldn't take it. I couldn't do this anymore. I needed to leave.
"I sorry any of this happened." He took his hands out of his pockets finally and reached out to touch me. I slapped his hand away.
"Don't touch me, Chambers." I hissed.
"Gordie, please." His eyes pleaded with me. I turned my head away as he cradled my cheek in his hand. I was full of rage, hate, and anger. I swung at him. I landed a good one on his mouth, he fucking lied to me enough. He dabbed the blood away from his split lip. "I deserved that." He looked at my shoes. I didn't want him to accept it so easily. I wanted him to hit me. I shoved him.
"Come on Chambers." I kept pushing him, roughly. "Be a big man and fight me."
"Stop it." He tried side stepping me, but I hit him again, and again. Chris finally fed into what I was trying to get him to do. He wrapped his hand around my throat and shoved me against a tree. "Why can't you just listen to me?"
"Because you're a fucking liar." I choked. "Tell me what I want to hear and then don't follow through, go on." His grip on my windpipe got tighter and tighter the more I told him the truth.
"I don't know what you want from me!" He squeezed and let go and stomped away from me.
"The goddamn truth Chris. You think I can't fucking handle it? At this point I'm not even sure if you'll do me the favor of telling me the truth." I pushed him. I wanted him to get away from me, he being on the opposite side of the world wouldn't be far away enough. I glared at him, half begging for him to tell me, half begging for him to just disappear. He shook his head at me, his eyes searching mine. He didn't breathe a word. I hit him, "You fucking asshole, I hate you so much. You fucking ruined everything!" I belittled him with every blow. Finally he knocked me back, and held me down.
"Calm down, you asshole!" He hissed in my ear. His elbow in the back of my neck, my face in the dirt, "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"Well good luck with that bullshit." I mumbled, my cheek being jabbed by a rock.
"Do you every think? Like actually think?" He asked me, letting go of me. He propped himself up against a tree trunk. His face was bloody. I instantly felt horrible. I hated myself, goddamn Chambers pulling at my heart all the time.
"Are you stupid?" I sneered. "All I do is think."
"Judy was a test for our relationship. Marlene, was me trying to save our asses, do you realize what the rumors were floating around? No you don't you're fucking stubborn and oblivious to everything that everyone around you is doing other than me. Dan was a mistake but you kept pushing me away, and we saw how that ended. Did I ever actually have sex with anyone but you? No. I didn't, Gordie. I couldn't bring myself to." He smeared blood onto his cheek after he wiped his mouth.
"Do you think that means shit to me?" I waved him off. "You didn't have to do any of that shit."
"I know, and I'm awful. I'm sorry Gordie. I'm so fucking dumb." He was trying to blink back tears. "And then you gave me a dose of my own medicine." I swallowed hard. I had pushed the idea of sex will Kelly out of my mind, just not everything else in the last year.
"It feels pretty shitty doesn't it?" I bit my lip.
"Everyone makes bad choice right?" Chris was going to have bruises for graduation.