AN: Hey everyone! Perhaps you know me from my commentary on Twila, perhaps you just saw this and decided to click on it… Anyway, welcome to It's a Forbiden Fruit Commentary! Hope y'all like it :). Also, this is un-beta'd, and I'm not English, so any mistakes that don't belong to the story itself are mine.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or this horrible piece of Fanfiction (THANK GOD)
AN hey guys this is the new improved verson If this is supposed to be the IMPROVED version, I don't want to know what the origingal looked like… of my story, hope its better this time! Probably not btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok ! 1) If it's meant to be like that, why are you making excuses? And 2) So you actually WANTED this story to suck? Wow… no critisism pls! tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) If you EVER get concerned about not having a boyfriend yet, just remember this girl has one, so there's probably someone out there for you… amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) "We wanna sex him" Dear GOD! love &blood No thanks becky mac! Becky Mac? What's in a name, huh? xxx x x xx
UPDATE: I have a proofreader Is she fictional? I mean, she doesn't seem to do much… and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot Again, if you call this improved, I don't want to lay eyes on the original… as you will see (thank u vickie!) Who is this "vickie"? i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.
Chapter 1 – Altantiana Remember the way she spells it here. I guarantee you we'll see lots of variations on that before the chapter's over…
Hey, my names Atlantiana That's a NAME? Poor girl… Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa). You know, in Holland, donkeys say something like "i-aa", so I'll be calling you Donkey from now on :). No complaints? Great! It's settled! I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington! At least you know how to spell "Washington"… My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. Right, because that's not Mary Sue-like at ALL… My eyes are deep forgetminot blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight. So, let's see… Beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, beautiful skin… Definitely a Mary Sue I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, guys It's funny only the ugly guys think you are… The pretty ones probably think you're a whore… that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl Can I disagree? (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) They'd just make out with some random girl they don't know? Yeah right… but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. They're probably right… They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal What's that supposed to mean? and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, Is this still the character we're talking about? I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair Nope, we're not talking about the character anymore… who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!) Darlin', if I met this "Ellie Mayfair", I'd cheer her on…
Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE Oh, boohoo, you've got big boobies. You know how many people would kill to look like you? because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me! *Bangs head into desk* I have a lip ring Any chance you could put one through BOTH your lips at once? and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. Ew, UGLY! I smell like mint and cinnamon. WHY? WHY TELL ME THAT? I don't CARE what you smell like! I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue Yeah, 'cause that's TOTALLY gothic, ya know? and listen to COOL music! And what exactly do you call "cool music"?
It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. They are nice and all very hole What? some sweet people but it is not like having a real family. That's why they're called FOSTER parents, sweetheart I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much. Rude, Donkey. Very rude My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him. Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me And with reason… as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. No wonder they're staring when you're dressed like THAT. I mean, what did you expect? I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) Hold that thought, Donkey and told a ditsy What's ditsy? blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) Why put the ! between ( )? when she called me a freak! She was right Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye Okay, calm down. Only the first chapter, you can't scream already. Count to ten, slowly… Okay, I'm good. On with the action! Oh, right. There isn't any… cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky How can the sky be embittered? It doesn't have emotions… for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic That shouldn't have to matter. I always knew it was a crappy school and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,. *Bangs head into wall rather violently* You're not really making people LIKE you, you know. You're making them want to punch something…
My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) And you're telling me this, why? on my ankle and a Gothic cross Why? You're not gothic. Althought you get points for spelling it right… on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life. Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, YES! Actually, I've been wondering that since this chapter started… It's been nothing but boring, long-winded descriptions up 'till now… well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl. Nope, you're a Mary Sue I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret Is this supposed to capture my attention? Sorry, you failed… witch Is that a clue or just some misspelled word? I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! Then how do you remember dreaming it? I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot You SEE it get hot? Isn't that something you should feel? sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. nbh. Wah! What did I miss? I think I fell asleep there for a moment… With my head on the keyboard… I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, Why not? It's a perfect explanation I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. Not impressed, not interested. You're really doing something wrong here The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept! *Bangs head into keyboard* This is SO stupid!
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue Dark blue? I thought you said they were some kind of "deep forgetminot blue"? beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me. It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT I understood you the first time, you know dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. Ah, I was starting to miss the beautifully idiotic comparisons. Always good for a few laughs He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before I think you're just horny, Donkey but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! He's not THAT handsome A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant No comment… so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. Only maybe? I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, Who? The UGLY, SLEAZY, HORNY and not to mention OLD guys or the blonde cheerleaders? I mean, they kinda have different opinions… plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low. Hold that thought, Donkey. Because I GUARANTEE you, in a few chapters, that's exactly what you'll do. So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there. They'd still notice it, Donkey. It's the smell, always the smell… As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes How can EYES be musky? as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!
"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems) And why are you choosing this moment to tell me? Apart from that I still don't CARE!
"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven How the HELL am I supposed to picture that? "please forgive me my lady" Hun, Eddy's from the 20th century, not the Middle Ages or something…
It was the hawt pale guy! NO WAY!
AN: So, the first chapter. I nearly fell asleep about thrice while reading this through. Hope you enjoyed it more! Anyway, first chapter down, only 7 to go now! See ya later!