AN: Hey everyone! Not dead, I promise! Just busy… Anyway, Thank you I'm awesome and y'all know it for reviewing!
Warnings: Sort-of-blowjob at the end of the chapter. I'll put in an extra warning before that, though :)
Now, on with the chapter!
thanx for the revews! No, YOU thank you for this beautiful source of entertainment…
Chapter 7 - Surprises! Oh, boy. I hate surprises…
I woke up sheepishly How can you do that? and wandered where I was for a minute. I got out of bed, Wait. When did you get in bed? wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. In that case, it would have been a nightmare… I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. When did they get home? THey look at me and smiles adoringly.
"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie Not creepy at all… with her face all bright and happiness.
I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! NO SHIT! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before. But… You thought it was ugly (I agree, by the way. Still ugly, by the way…) My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows, Oh, god and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, Oooh, god with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac. No. I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. NO. My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY BUCKET! WHERE IS IT?! I was amazed. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked What? me out of my silent staring. Dave answered it.
"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" This is… What exactly? and he hung up
"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling Her cheeks must be hurting! Seems to me smile is all she does…
"uncle larryis died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother"
I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school. Right. Not suspicious at all… I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist Why is he a racist? I don't get it… and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him! You just gave… 4 reasons why you should… I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear - a big panda bear! PANDA BEARS? IN WASHINGTON? WHAT THE… it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen. This whole story is weird…
"greetings atlantaina!" A new one! I hadn't seen this variation yet! it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? Something I'd like to know And since when did they SPEAK? Don't ask me, it's your story… I was totally confused
"WTF?" i screamed!
"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna What kind of name is THAT?but you can call me Snoofles." What?
"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiously
"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. DON'T MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL! She's got enough of an ego as it is… No need to make it even bigger… You can talk to animals. Stop it You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet" No seriously, stop it!
"like watt?" i said
"I dunno, touch that tree" Why? said Snoofles, smiling at me. I don't think I like this… I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. What. The. Fuck The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. As does everything else then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. OI! Poor tree! It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling! No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"OMG, how is this possible?" i said
"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol" Riiiiiight… said Snoofles with a big grin Creep. and he raised his eyebows, Does a panda have eyebrows? "but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! But… You just said she's not human… will you be my human friend?" SHE'S NOT HUMAN!
"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"
"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"
I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles. Trust me, honey. You're not the only one I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less. But you still note the fact they make comments…
in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes. And here I was thinking you'd be wearing a bikini… i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light. I'm having an awful flashback to that point where Twila does the same with her hair… Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls and I slapped her in the face.
"WTF you freaky goth tudor I happen to LOVE the Tudors! Stop it!bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag Ew. Gross
"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever And again she somehow finds the time to remind us how INCREDIBLY good looking she is…
"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, Is that an insult or a compliment? your so pale and delicate I'm pretty sure calling someone "delicate" is a compliment… its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!"
I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way What? and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. What? She wasnt dead or anything Riiiight… but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.
I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren. I was sat there wearing NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it. Why would ANYONE want to wear THAT? Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me
"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward. What the **** is he doing in the LADIES changing room? i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. SO charming… I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. Dear GOD. PLEASE stop it!He got up in a minute.
"I fainted Tiaa, What? thou is so sexy and exqisite No she's not. i lost my contentioness. Your what? Your senses, probably, since you seem to have got the impression Donkey's PRETTY Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, BUCKET! I NEED YOU! I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT HERE TOO! and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward Everything is wrong with her
"I killed someone Ewadrd! Yay! Another new one! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning" Oh, you THINK?
"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren" Edward says Such a nice guy… to comfort me and he put his arms round me
"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" Wow, sudden moodswing! i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"
"I'm sorry! What for? I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" Oh, please he cried and threw his hands up and weeped *Facepalm*
"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! No, not really Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever *Screams for five uninterrupted minutes* or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!"
"I choose thee Atlantnina! YAY! The best one yet! Bella is a big mean cow *Facepalm*and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!" *Bangs head into wall* Seriously though. This is SO INCREDIBLY STUPID!
He started to cry He already was crying and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, Please don't. I could barely handle that one time. Had nightmares for the next week I'd never seen anybody look so perfect. Lestat. Harry Styles. Louis Tomlinson. Niall Horan. Liam Payne. Zayn Malik. Murtagh. Jaime Lannister. Draco Malfoy. Fred and George Weasley. Tom Riddle. Sirius Black. Spencer Reid. And many more! Many perfect examples of people even BETTER LOOKING than Eddy… And by the way, people against horrible lemons, stop reading NOW I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.
"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"
"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice Oh, PLEASE stop!
I found some handcuffs on a bench What? I don't want to know how those got there… and I tied him to a hook. he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing. Oh no. I thought we were past this. "throbbing lavender man-fruit thing". Dear GOD MAKE IT STOP! It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical. Not really the word I was looking for… Sodenly a voice came from behind me
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT What? PEOPLE?I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" Please do, whoever you are, although I have stinking suspicion. Please do.
It was Bella Swan! I KNEW IT!
AN: Well, thank GOD that's over. Anyway this was the second to last chapter! Only one chapter to go now! Please review and see you later!