Tattooed

Summary: "I've lost everything to drugs, do you know that?" Sakura told him with tears in her eyes. "The funny thing is I've never even touched a drug in my life and yet it destroyed me. It took everything." She turned to face him then. "Please, don't let it take you away from me. I won't be able to handle it, not this time, not again." S x S.

Author's Note: Fashion Fairy 26, PrincessNevermore, Gina, SweetSeductionCherryB, deadflo, teru21, Zereith: Love is such a strange thing.

I'll be honest, I'm not a good person when I'm jealous. I once scared this girl half to death with my threats. She almost went to get a restraining order. Yeah. Not my best moments. I regret it, I really do. Felt good, I'll admit, but I still regret it.

Longest chapter yet. Tell me what you thought.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

xxxi.

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

- Perfect/Simple Plan

"Sakura!" the pounding on her door was incessant. For two days now it'd been the same way. The boy came to her, pounded on the door and finally took leave when he pleased. She'd ignored his texts, his voicemails, his emails and even him. She knew confronting him was in line, but wasn't sure what to confront him of.

Where had she given him the chance to speak at all?

"Sakura! I know you're there, Sakura. Open the door, please." He was begging. It made her shiver. He was begging her.

No.

"Please, let me explain."

Sakura was very, very tempted to open the door at that. Explain... he wanted to explain. Sakura wanted an explanation... and then what?

"Sakura," his voice was low now as he banged on the door once every three seconds. Yes, she was counting elephants in her head, warding off the urge to bring him into the apartment. His eyes would gaze into hers as they stood apart, the distance creating the familiar buzz between them. She could already feel it, the need to be with him.

"Open the door, Sakura!"

Sakura closed her eyes and put the earphones on before lying down on the bed. It did a lot to shut out the noise from the outside. She knew he was still out there, though.

The familiar cello music of Bach came on as she turned to her side and let herself cry. Every little tear that escaped made her heart sink even further into the place of no return. It was like someone died. It was losing family.

It was losing love.

Sakura felt tired, her eyes stung and her head throbbed. Yet, she cried.

This was one big messy mistake.

This... was this her fault?

Nobody can, sweetheart.

It was a premeditated warning, so long ago that it almost felt surreal now. So this was loss.

So, this was what misery felt like.

A long time ago, when the world was filled with butterflies and lush green grass Sakura had discovered the tip of the iceberg, the brief feeling of misery. She'd thought nothing could feel worse. The nights would wear on, and the days would bring no relief as she tried to survive and fight every second as it came on.

She'd lost, and she'd thought that that was misery.

Sakura closed her eyes and felt the burn under her eyelids, knowing Syaoran was still out there, banging on the door, pleading for her to open it.

At the end of it, it always came down to this.

She'd thought she knew.

She couldn't have been more wrong.

*.*

Between the many texts of Syaoran's filled with apologies, demands and requests came two texts from Mei Ling and Tomoyo. Sakura didn't want to know what Mei Ling's had to say. She checked Tomoyo's instead and promptly deleted them all.

I'm coming over tonight.

-T.

Sakura wondered if Syaoran had told Mei Ling... About whatever had happened. She doubted it a second later.

"...the last time I ever touch you."

Touch... just the word made her think of Syaoran. The boy had touched her in ways no one else had, made her feel so good... so special.

No, it wasn't just how good his skin felt on hers. It wasn't about kisses and embraces either.

Touch... was such a strong word.

Had he enjoyed their time together, touching her?

He'd had the red haired girl to touch... to love. Why Sakura then?

Sakura called in sick that day, for the second time that year, and spent time with Kero, pampering him with massages and treats as she flipped through magazines and browsed the internet for captivating games.

Tomoyo let herself in at exactly quarter to six, throwing her keys onto the table before walking into the bedroom. Sakura only had to meet her eyes before pushing the bed covers off to go hug her best friend.

All day she'd spent in bed. She didn't bathe, she didn't eat; she didn't bother with anything but distraction.

Tomoyo cooed as she cried.

It had been such a long day.

*.*

"You still haven't told me what's wrong," Tomoyo said as Sakura ate a greasy slice of pizza.

"I don't want to talk about it just yet," Sakura told her.

"If you tell me, it'll help you."

"I'll tell you when I'm ready." Sakura assured her. Tomoyo sighed.

"Come here, Kero." Tomoyo called out for the dog. He leapt onto her lap before licking her face.

"I'll go bring some wine. I want to be good and drunk by the end of the night." Tomoyo announced before picking up her keys and walking out the door. The door didn't even close before Syaoran's voice boomed through her apartment.

"Sakura!" he screamed before stopping short at the sight of her. She felt tired, angry, unsettled.

"Can we talk?" he asked her uncertainly.

Tomoyo stood behind him now, her chin high on alert.

"Are you clean?" Tomoyo asked him.

"Of course I am,"

Sakura huffed. Things were very different less than a month ago. Not even she could have guessed.

"Sakura, can we please talk?" he begged this time. Sakura nodded slightly after exhaling. Tomoyo shut the door behind her when she left.

"Look, Sakura, I need to tell you—"

"Did you sleep with her while you were with me?" Sakura asked first. It wasn't anything but confirmation. She already knew.

"I-don't—know."

Sakura looked up at that. "You don't know." She repeated dryly. "Tell me what you do know."

"Maybe," Syaoran said with his hands in his hair. Sakura narrowed her eyes.

"Maybe?"

"I was high, okay?" Syaoran paused to pace. "I was high and I was so lost, I think I did sleep with her. I don't know for sure, I have bits and pieces of that night in my head and I'm not sure anymore. I don't remember and I don't want to remember." He turned to face her now.

"I'm sorry, Sakura. I'm sorry I didn't tell you and I'm sorry I lied, but I did not want to be with her, Sakura, not then and not now. She was... she threatened me. She was going to tell you, find you, and I didn't want you to know. I know it sounds... I don't know how to tell you that I did not want to even be there that night."

Sakura stared at him blankly before letting the words sink in.

"I love you, and I missed you so much these past few days. I just wanted to see you, kiss you, hold you and be right here."

Sakura didn't realize how much she wanted that too.

"I know it sounds inconsequential, but it was not mutual, Sakura. I did not want her. I did not want to do whatever I did end up doing that night. It was not something I chose; I swear my life on that."

Sakura still said nothing, trying to process.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she finally asked.

"I didn't want to lose you,"

A simple answer to such a question... there was no correct answer though. Anything he'd said would be fallible.

"We..." Sakura started. Syaoran stopped.

"Please don't," Syaoran was now at her feet, kneeling. "Please don't leave me. I am sorry, and it will never happen again. Not if I was high, not if I wasn't. That was such an ugly and dark part of my life and I don't want to go back there, ever."

"How long have you known her?" Sakura asked instead.

"Three years,"

"And you've been with her before?" Sakura asked curiously this time. Syaoran sighed.

"We weren't... I was just—you'll think less of me. You will judge me. I can't stand for that. I'm not in that place anymore, please, you have to believe me."

Suddenly, it was all very clear.

"So you were having sex. Were you in love with her?"

"No," his answer came with a firm tone.

"Was she a friend?"

"No,"

Not a friend, not a lover.

Syaoran was so much worse than Sakura had first thought.

"So you used to get high together," Sakura realized. That's why. "You used to get high together and have sex."

Syaoran looked away.

Sakura finally understood.

"How many people did you sleep with under the effects of a drug?" she asked.

"Just her,"

"How many people have you slept with?"

"Two,"

"Were you having unprotected sex?"

"No, never,"

Sakura said nothing as he sat on the floor now, right next to her feet.

"Who's the second girl?" Sakura asked, knowing it wasn't her right to ask or to be the least bit jealous or disgusted.

She'd be number three.

He would have number one.

For her, he'd have been the first.

"Alicia Gerardy. We dated in senior year in high school. She was my best friend's sister. A twin, actually."

Sakura didn't say anything more. Syaoran held her hands in his.

"Please, Sakura. I know things look bad and I look weak, but I'm trying to change for you. You mean everything to me; you know how I feel about you.

"I love you. Please... let me be a part of your life. Please," he begged again.

Sakura felt sickened.

He loves her?

He'd never said that before today.

Today, he'd said it twice already.

"I don't think it's a good idea anymore,"

"Sakura, please,"

"You were in pretty deep before I came along. How can we go back now? I'd never look at you the same way. You could do it again, and I'd never know. I'd be paranoid about it, suspicious about it. I'd never let you breathe easy. Is that what you want? For me to doubt you all the time?" Sakura asked without looking at him.

"Have you no faith in me now?"

"I don't think faith has much to do with it."

"If I can stay clean, will you consider being with me?"

Sakura looked at him then.

"I don't think I can ever look at you the same way again," Sakura said again. "You're... different. I thought we could try. I thought you and I could try being happy. I thought I could help you, love you. I thought I had the strength. But I thought you were someone else."

"But I am that person, Sakura." Syaoran sobbed in her hands. Sakura felt tears falling quietly down her cheeks. "I am that person, and I can be that person with you. You, Sakura. You make everything worth it. You make life worth it.

"You made me worth it."

Sakura cried quietly as he spoke. Her resolve was unbreakable.

"It doesn't matter, I don't think I can trust you now." She told him with finality.

If it happened again, Sakura wouldn't forgive herself for trusting him.

If it happened again, she'd have been a fool to trust him.

Sakura knew better than to trust a drug addict twice.

All things considered, they had a good few months together. How long had been they been together? It didn't matter, it was a good time.

Love was never forever anyway. Nothing was.

She let Syaoran cry in her lap for hours before letting go and retreating to her room. She closed the door, snuck into the covers and sank into the pillow when she heard the front door open and close.

He was gone.

Probably, forever.

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back

I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

QUESTION: What's the worst way to break up with someone?

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