Tattooed

Summary: "I've lost everything to drugs, do you know that?" Sakura told him with tears in her eyes. "The funny thing is I've never even touched a drug in my life and yet it destroyed me. It took everything." She turned to face him then. "Please, don't let it take you away from me. I won't be able to handle it, not this time, not again." S x S.

Author's Note: Fashion Fairy 26, PrincessNevermore, Gina, SweetSeductionCherryB, deadflo, teru21, Cascada Azul, lhaine07, xXBlossomofShadowsXx, Finespun, SexyJilliane12: You guys have officially blown me away, with your compliments and words. I can't believe how many good things you've all had to say about me and this story.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

184 reviews and 14000 views. Can't think of a better way to tell you how much this story's gotten in these few months of publishing on FF.

The worst way to break up is to lose touch, not talk it out and just break... without reasons, without explanations. Relationships, feelings, is all we have left sacred. If that were taken away, what we have that's worth living for?

Disclaimer: Not mine.

xxxii.

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake
Oh
The weight of things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

-Won't Go Home Without You/Maroon 5

Syaoran sat alone and miserable in his room for days. Life had become a very depressing ordeal all of a sudden, in a matter of minutes really. Unpredictable was a good word to describe it now.

For days he kept himself idle, hoping and waiting for something... anything that would lead him back to Sakura. It was all so clichéd, the familiar ache in his chest, the hurt and discomfort he felt thinking of the most important woman in his life. Granted, it took only six months, lesser in fact, to make Sakura that important to him. Did it matter, really, how long it had been?

She was gone, and she had made no indications of wanting him in her life again.

Classes were a bust, as Syaoran could barely keep up with his professors or his paintings. Truth was he had no zest left to paint. As far as he could tell, his painting career was as good as over. The Exhibit was around the corner, and Syaoran was moping around Glasgow. The grass wasn't as green anymore, and neither was the rain beautiful. Now, the rain held no real feeling, only cold and wet was left in its wake. The rain had become too painful to bear with.

The urge was back with a vengeance.

Group sessions were going on as usual, and while Kaho had guessed that something was amiss with him, he divulged nothing. Not when there was still the smallest glimmer of hope that Sakura might come back. It was a small shred of insane hope, but it was worth living for.

Back at home he sat facing the balcony, waiting for Sakura to come out and gesture for him to come see her. It'd take him less than thirty seconds. He should know. He did test runs.

Paint brush in hand one dull, rainy Thursday afternoon Mei Ling had had it.

"That's it," she flung her bag down on the couch before flopping heavily on it. "You have to tell me what the hell is going on! Sakura won't talk to me, Tomoyo won't fucking tell me what the deal is and I'm so sick of seeing you like this.

"Why did you guys fight?"

Syaoran didn't bother turning around from his empty canvas. Was it so long ago that he couldn't paint without the high from a drug? It felt like eons ago... and he craved for it now more than ever. On it, he saw green grass and blue skies with Sakura turned away, far away from where he was. Sakura was in a place he could no longer get to.

She wasn't his anymore.

"Xiao Lang,"

The name made him clench his eyes shut for a few brief moments. It was true; he took Syaoran as his official name after his dad had told him everything. Two women, there had been two women who'd abandoned him. Both of them were supposed to be the most important, the most vital. Both of them left.

Syaoran debated his mother's reason for leaving now. After all, he was the reason why Sakura had left.

One of them stood in the painting he set out to paint. The brush touched the grassy green on the palette and made it to the canvas with a smooth feel. It was going to be beautiful.

Mei Ling sighed and left the room, slamming the door behind her for added effect to show she was pissed with Syaoran.

Syaoran painted in an unfamiliarly eerie quiet.

Brush.

Stroke.

Paint.

Fill.

Every blink drove him closer to wanting the high once again, and this time for very different reasons. This time, it wasn't just for inspiration. This time, like some other times, it would be a distraction.

Paint.

Brush.

Stroke.

It was a cycle he repeated on and on before completing the painting six hours later. He wanted to start on the one with her in the rain again. Was the one he painted on the ceiling of the subway ruins a good start?

He would need to visit there soon.

*.*

Lillian Fitzgerald's number was listed, thankfully, and that's how he'd been able to get hold of her. Mei Ling was at a shoot, and he knew he couldn't trouble her. They had yet to sort out their issues and Syaoran contemplated on whether or not he should tell his cousin the truth.

A small conversation and a fifteen minute drive later, Syaoran found himself walking through the subway to the familiar painting spot with the girl with pink streaks in her long blonde hair.

"Thanks for this," Syaoran told Lillian as they walked through the passageway to the spot. "I didn't have a ride."

"It's alright Syaoran. What're friends for?"

Syaoran sighed. Lillian was a friend.

Were Sakura and him ever friends?

"So what's going on with you these days?" Lillian tried to make small talk. Small talk was always such a dangerous endeavour. Syaoran learnt that the hard way.

Nakuru became an acquaintance because of this useless small talk.

Syaoran sighed. "I got selected for the Exhibition."

Lillian slapped his back. "Dude, that's fantastic! Well done," she paused before frowning. "You don't sound too happy about it though. You do know what a great opportunity this is going to be for you! Have you decided which paintings to put up?"

Syaoran shook his head.

"Hmm," Lillian stopped and put her things down on the ledge before shuffling through her things. "Why not?"

Syaoran didn't bother with an answer to that.

"I think I'll try doing some work,"

Two hours later, he'd done no work.

"That bad huh," Lillian observed as he forced himself to paint something. An ugly hue of what looked like a yellow canary stared back at the both of them from between a parody of the Mona Lisa and an abstract collage.

"Is that supposed to be Big bird?" Lillian asked. Syaoran thought she must've been joking.

It took some time to realize she wasn't.

"I have a strange feeling that this has something to do with Miss Sakura,"

Syaoran looked at her.

"So it does," Lillian confirmed. "Did she reject you?"

Syaoran looked away.

"Oh," Lillian pursed her lips. "That's far, far nastier. I feel for you, boy. The timing couldn't have been worse."

"I don't really care about that," Syaoran stated. "If not anything else, I'll work on something I've already put together... make it worth the Exhibit. I'll do it... somehow."

Silence engulfed them both. Breathing the musty smell of rot and rust was beginning to become tiresome. The air should not smell like death down here.

"So you miss her."

"Like you wouldn't believe,"

"Oh, I'd believe. She is a charmer, Miss Sakura, weasels her way under everyone's skin." Lillian sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

"Miss Sakura met me here about two years ago, when I was still in senior year trying to decide how to tell my scientifically inclined father that my interests were elsewhere. She was so supportive about it, even offered to talk to my parents. In the end, I was the one who did it, but I couldn't have done it without her."

"I thought Sakura taught English,"

"She did. I took English as my 'easy' elective. Miss Sakura makes English anything but easy, though." Lillian chuckled throatily. "Total pain in the arse that teacher is when it comes to grading, by the way. Don't be fooled by the angelic green eyes and nerdish looking glasses,"

Syaoran smiled. Sakura did look nerdy in glasses.

"Let's walk back. You don't seem to be getting much work done here."

"Actually, I feel a lot better but I guess we should make a move back." Syaoran agreed before grabbing his things. Lillian did the same.

The walk back was less awkward, but still rigid. Somehow, there was something else left to get out of the way. Syaoran couldn't bear to make more conversation though.

"You're kind of cute," Lillian told him. Syaoran groaned internally.

"I hope you're not hitting on me now. You know I'm in love with Sakura," He didn't need some student of hers hitting on him, not now, not ever probably.

"Get your head out of the gutter! I just meant that I see what Miss Sakura sees in you. You're passionate about art; you've got this whole mysterious aura thing going on and you're not hard on the eyes. Girls love that kind of thing, obviously." Lillian put it out as though he was woman hunting man whore.

"I'm not some mystery to solve, everything's pretty much out there." Syaoran said grumpily, realizing the only real mystery about him was the drug he hid behind. He clenched his eyes shut, feeling guilty for wanting to use. He breathed deep and easy, thinking of his family, of Sakura, of the promise he'd made. Was he willing to throw away all this work? Finally, he'd got ahead of it and this was how easily it snuck back?

Was it only Sakura who could make him a man worthy?

"I wish Sakura saw me that way though, as a mystery. Or I wish I wasn't a total dumb fuck when it comes to her."

"That's hard," Lillian broke him off. "Miss Sakura's too smart to not be intimidating, so don't worry about it."

In the car Syaoran wondered if there was a time when Sakura did not intimidate him. From the time they'd met to the time she'd found out about Nakuru, Sakura was calm, composed, and that was irritating as hell. There was no way that woman felt anything but proud, standing on her pedestal and looking down on the others with a laugh. She was perfect. Nothing had ever gone wrong with her life. She'd had no glitches at all.

She was fucking perfect. Suddenly, everything he loved about her, he wanted to hate.

"Do you want to paint together?" Lillian asked as he moved to get out of the car at his apartment entrance. Syaoran sat back in.

"I don't mind giving you company while you wallow in your break up. I kind of feel bad for you. You have the Exhibition coming up and you're wasting your time. Besides, I don't like painting alone. My recent painting partner left the country, so if you don't have a problem with—"

"Okay,"

The girl could talk. A lot.

Lillian grinned.

"Okay then, you have my number. Give me a call."

Syaoran couldn't find it in him to smile. He got out, shut the door and waved goodbye, all the while eyeing Sakura's balcony.

So this was what he was reduced to. Finding people who could distract him from the hideousness he'd become. Was that why he'd met Sakura in the first place, because he was hideous? How could she say she loved someone like that? Did she ever really love him at all?

Did Sakura hate him now?

There was no real way of knowing. Sakura kept her secrets hidden well. No matter how much of her weaknesses he knew, keeping things safely locked behind flesh and blood seemed to be what Sakura bested at in college... or high school.

Or maybe she was simply born with the gift. Keeping secrets, hiding things...

Syaoran shook his head. As if he didn't know how to keep secrets himself.

Sakura would hate him now. He was sure of it.

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

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