Tattooed

Summary: "I've lost everything to drugs, do you know that?" Sakura told him with tears in her eyes. "The funny thing is I've never even touched a drug in my life and yet it destroyed me. It took everything." She turned to face him then. "Please, don't let it take you away from me. I won't be able to handle it, not this time, not again." S x S.

Author's Note: Fashion Fairy 26, xXBlossomofShadowsXx, PrincessNevermore, Gina, TaraRae89, amelancholicangel, SweetSeductionCherryB, deadflo, teru21: I'd first watched CCS when I was 11, and I haven't gone back since.

I don't know what a world without CCS is like.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

xxxiv.

When your love is pouring like the rain
I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you
I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breaking every time
I look into your eyes

If only I could get through this

- Gotta Get Thru This (acoustic)/Daniel Bedingfield

That day at school had been tough. One of her students had been in possession of heroin.

Sakura sighed. His locker was being searched.

He was such a bright kid.

It was déjà vu.

At lunch, she'd found him sitting with a cop in the principal's chambers.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked him, sitting next to the two now.

William Grant was a good looking seventeen year old, brilliant in her English class, and in the Math class, she was told.

Why did it happen to the best of them?

"Why do you want to talk to me?" he asked her defiantly. The cop sat looking at her strangely.

"Because I know what you're going through,"

Will snorted.

Sakura sighed. "After you're done with jail time, and the drugs, come see me."

She stood up.

"Wait, that's it?" Will looked at her like she'd lost her mind.

"Is there something else I should be saying?"

Will shrugged.

Sakura brought out a business card and gave it to him. "If you think you can't talk to me about it, you should call this number."

Will narrowed his eyes at the number.

"It's my brother. He'll help you out,"

Sakura felt numb during the car ride home.

How many, Sakura wondered. How many before she would finally crack?

Her life had been meaningless, a mess, a useless nothing. Her childhood had been a grimy one, her love life had been sad if not nonexistent, till Syaoran...

Till Syaoran had come along to change that.

"I just wanted to see you, kiss you, hold you and be right here."

Then, he took it all away.

Sakura would never forgive him for it.

*.*

Grocery shopping had been liberating. Sakura had bought all the junk food and chocolate in the world. It was fun.

She hadn't had fun in a long while.

At the frozen foods section she ran into Yamazaki.

Of all the rotten luck.

"Hey, Yamazaki." Sakura smiled in greeting as she picked up some ice cream.

"Hey, Sakura. Fancy meeting you here,"

Sakura wondered if the day could get any worse. "Just grocery shopping. What're you doing here?"

"Can't say. Top secret stuff." Yamazaki made to zip his lips. Sakura laughed.

Secrets were always top secret, weren't they?

"Okay, I won't ask."

They chatted about things that didn't matter, their jobs, their professional lives. Things were as superficial as could be. It was always easier that way.

After paying their bills they parted ways. Sakura exhaled in relief before making the long walk home.

"Sakura!" Yamazaki shouted from a little ways down. Sakura's shoulders were tense as she turned around.

"What're you doing tomorrow?"

Sakura stood still as he walked toward her.

"Let's go bowling," he told her. "Bring your friend from the other day,"

Sakura growled low. "We broke up."

Yamazaki backed up. "I didn't realize... I'm sorry."

"It's fine,"

"Bring Tomoyo then," he tried again. Sakura wanted the ground to swallow her up right then. "Come on, Sakura. We're friends, aren't we?"

She nodded reluctantly.

"We'll meet here and go together."

Sakura walked away before giving into the urge to stab her ex-boyfriend.

Manslaughter wasn't good on anybody's resume.

*.*

Syaoran and Lillian had gone to a little taco stand for dinner. After a long day of painting in the ruins, the two had decided they needed a little time before getting back there again.

Syaoran realized he painted best in the ruins. He shifted his painting material there, along with his canvases. He only ever went home to have a bath and pick up some food.

He'd avoided Mei Ling like the plague.

"What colour would you give my aura?" Lillian asked between bites. They now sat in her car with the heat up. Syaoran shrugged. It'd been two weeks of Lillian's strange questions and weird etiquette. It wasn't... all that unbearable to bear with. She was a good person, of that much he was sure.

"Maybe pink?"

Lillian laughed obnoxiously. "Pink?" she tugged on her hair and held some strands up. "Seriously? Could you be anymore clichéd?"

Syaoran smiled. The pink in-your-face streaks made it impossible to say any other colour. "Okay, what do you think my aura colour is?"

The girl looked thoughtful.

"Brown."

Syaoran laughed.

Lillian shook her head furiously and changed her decision.

"No, no. Will you stop laughing, you nincompoop? I take it back; your aura is green,"

Syaoran stopped laughing at that.

"Why green?" he questioned her.

"I don't know... wouldn't you say your colour was green?"

Syaoran sat stiffly with his taco in hand.

Green... like Sakura.

"It's just a colour, Syaoran." Lillian assured him as she wiped her hands on some tissue and offered him the tissue box. Syaoran took it and sat quietly as they drove back into the city.

Syaoran looked out to the black, cloudy sky. It hadn't rained in a while.

At every signal Syaoran noticed how the colours changed from red, to orange, to green. Green... Green was the colour of growth, of prosperity, of growth, of fame. Green was the colour that said yes, that allowed you to go through traffic signals.

Green was the colour that defined Syaoran's life.

It used to be, anyway.

Now, his aura was just shades of grey.

*.*

The weekend brought with it drizzles of rain, cold and wet against Syaoran's skin as he ran to Lillian's car with his painting material. Lillian slammed her door shut just after Syaoran had entered the car, both of them heaving and laughing.

"Damn, that was cold." Lillian said before turning up the heat and then turning to face him. Syaoran smiled.

"Tell me what you loved most about Miss Sakura," Lillian spoke low. Syaoran's smile faltered.

"Her eyes," he told her without missing a beat. "She had the most beautiful, green eyes."

Lillian smiled. "She is very pretty. I love her skin,"

They sat in silence after that.

"I think it's time you made up with your sister," Lillian suggested as she revved the car to start. "You've avoided her for a week now,"

A week was nothing. Syaoran had gone years without talking to his family. It was a door shut firm, a door that sealed away the best parts of life, his life.

He thought that had been the loneliest part of his life.

"I guess you're right."

The drive home was relaxing. Syaoran knew he'd have to talk about everything this time, and he was preparing himself for it. Mei Ling would listen. She was his sister, his favourite sister. She was there for him, always. She would understand him.

She always did.

At a stop sign Syaoran looked at the people crossing the road, umbrellas overhead.

A couple stood out the most to him.

He sat up straight in his seat.

"Is that—"

Yes, yes it was.

In the familiar peach coloured coat Sakura crossed the road... with the ex-boyfriend. Syaoran tried to remember if Sakura had ever told him his name. She hadn't.

Syaoran watched as the two walked, steps in sync, laughing at something together. Syaoran felt the anger instantly. He made to open the door.

"Don't." Lillian's voice was stern. "Don't go out there, not now."

"She's—"

"Listen to me, Syaoran." Lillian ordered after locking the doors. "Going out there and throwing a jealous fit won't win her back. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever."

Syaoran grit his teeth.

He wanted to go out there. He wanted to punch the man that was holding Sakura like she was his. He wanted to kill him, in fact.

Syaoran closed his eyes, hating that his sense of peace had been taken from him in a matter of thirty seconds.

He wanted to get high. Yes, that was what he wanted... to forget, to let go, to cover up. He wanted a distraction, something that would rid this sting.

How long had it been since he'd last seen Sakura, been with her? More than a month now...

How long had he been clean?

Too long.

It'd been too long.

"Take me home,"

Lillian drove without another word.

*.*

Syaoran found his pipe and stared at it for many minutes. He wanted to feel the high the pipe promised, the good and long feel of delusion that would allow him to forget everything. It was well over nine in the night.

He then went on to looking at the portraits of his parents on the wall.

Syaoran felt the familiar prick in his eyes before he cried.

So this was what he was reduced to.

Tears rolled down mercilessly, making him feel worse than he had when he realized his own mother wanted nothing to do with him.

"Xiao Lang?"

He closed his eyes at the name.

His father would be so disappointed.

"Where were you? I've been worried sick." Mei Ling sat next to him now. "Why are you crying? Why are you—give me that." She took the pipe from him without another word. Syaoran let his tears fall.

"I miss her," he told Mei Ling. "I miss her so much that I just want to forget, Mei." He turned to face her then.

"Let me get high, just this once."

Mei Ling looked taken aback.

"Please. I can't take it anymore."

"Xiao Lang," Mei Ling started.

"She's moved on, Mei!" he screamed in agony. "She's moved on, and she's happy!

"She doesn't miss me. She doesn't think about me. She hasn't thought about me. And here like a fool I thought she'd call me, maybe talk to me... maybe want me back? But no, that wasn't it. All this time I'd been patient, and she's done.

"It feels like... it feels awful, Mei. I don't feel good. Nothing feels good anymore."

Mei Ling looked scared when she pulled Syaoran in for a hug, letting him cry on her shoulders as she tried to comfort him, for what had been the umpteenth time in all his life. Syaoran thought he was over her, that he'd finally accepted it. No, he hadn't. All along he'd simply been waiting for her to come back to him... to see things the way he saw them.

Suddenly, though, he saw his ex-girlfriend, his only ex-girlfriend, in a new light. It'd been something of a revelation really, something that made him see. She was fallible, stupid, weak. She had gone back to the ex-boyfriend, to her ex-boyfriend. How many had even been there? While she'd managed to weasel information out of him, he'd never had the chance to ask her those questions. How many people had she been with before him? How many of them did she love? Did she kiss them, touch them, let them touch her?

Suddenly, Sakura Kinomoto didn't look all that perfect.

Maybe it was while Mei Ling soothed him with words he wanted to hear, or maybe it was while he was forced to walk to the kitchen for food. He couldn't be entirely too sure when the thought had crossed his mind, but it had. And now, it was there to stay. The thought that maybe she didn't want him as much as she said she did, the thought that maybe she'd been waiting for him to stumble and fall, just so she could have that look of righteousness in her eyes.

Mei Ling and Syaoran ate some dumplings for dinner before they both settled on the balcony with some covers. It was freezing cold, with winter setting in slowly. Syaoran had insisted they sit there. Mei Ling complied.

Syaoran told her then. The truth, everything that he'd kept from her.

The details were gory to listen to, even though he'd heard it in his head over and over.

Mei Ling did not judge him as he'd thought she would. She didn't say anything, to be exact. She only listened and then patted his hand... in understanding?

"I'll tell you something I think you should know," Mei Ling told Syaoran. It made him fearful. This didn't sound too good.

"Sakura... isn't exactly wrong." Mei Ling said cautiously. "I guess... I guess I wouldn't trust you too."

Syaoran blanched.

On the inside, he felt his blood run cold, his heartbeat furious.

Mei Ling didn't say it, but the words were clear as day.

Sakura wasn't coming back.

Syaoran registered that it had started to rain when they went back inside. He stood for many minutes with hands outstretched, feeling the rain fall softly against his skin.

Many nights ago, on a rainy night like this one, Syaoran had met the love of his life. True, he'd never realized it then, but that didn't change the fact.

On this rainy night, he'd realized that she was gone, for good. There was nothing he could do to change that. There was nothing that could make him feel good anymore. Not family, not painting, not the drugs.

Nothing was worth it.

So why couldn't he just get high anyway? It wasn't like he had anyone to disappoint. Sakura wouldn't even know, wouldn't care even if she did know.

"You will say no."

For the first time in a long while, Syaoran didn't want to say no.

"You will say no even if it means dying, even if it means losing everything, you will say no."

Syaoran forced himself to not think of the things she said, to not think of her voice, her lips, her skin, her. The kisses they'd shared in the dark as he felt her touch on his chest, his belly, his hands. Being angry with the woman he loved, with the only woman he'd ever loved, was far, far harder than one would think it was. He couldn't stop thinking about it, whether it was the angry, irrational thoughts, or whether it was the easy, loving ones. Most days he chastised himself for thinking of her so.

Tonight, though, was a different story. Tonight he would think of her how much he pleased.

It was all he had left of her, after all.

Mei Ling stood behind him quietly, watching him watch the rain. He could feel her gaze on his back.

"With or without Sakura, you have to choose to fight," she reminded him. "I wouldn't blame you if you gave in now, but I know my brother isn't a quitter,"

Syaoran begged to differ. He was a coward, a loser, a quitter. He wanted to cower behind the drug so badly that he almost did two weeks, or so, ago. He'd been lucky. Would he have used if he'd gotten hold of John?

Syaoran stood in the rain for hours, just like he had that night.

The only difference was that that night had held the promise of Sakura in his life.

Give me just a second and I'll be all right
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

QUESTION: Who would you say you have hated the most in your life?

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